Recovery Nation

Day 1

I told my wife that I would like to share what I am doing on RN with her.

She agreed and I shared what I have posted in lesson 34. I started to share lesson 35 and suddenly she lashed out about the first item that I have shared in lesson 34. We started a small argument and that was the end of my sharing and our conversation.

Family arrived that stayed the rest of the day so we could not continue.

I spend the rest of the day in a mild depression focusing a lot on the two evenings during the week where she lashed and scolded at me for hours. During these two sessions I did not lose my temper or walked out as in the past. I think I was still on a high of my self-worth due my handling of my operation.
I do not know why I expected her to listen to me, something that rarely happened in the past. Why would it change?

Her healing of the damage that I have caused is still the most important issue for me and I will continue with my recovery, for myself and to support her.

This day was successful in the fact that we talked. The result of the talk was not successful.

Lesson 35 Health Monitoring II

2) Create your weekly agenda. Post it in your Recovery Thread.
Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfilment?

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage--how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means?

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?

Did I initiate meaningful conversation with my wife?

Did I look after my body to recover from my operation?

Did I seek out opportunities to experience calmness, concentration and/or a sense of spirituality?

Did I share an event with my wife? Cooking initiated by me, cinema, show.

Did I have meaningful contact with each of my children?

Did I scan woman?

Day 2

My wife was out of house the whole day until 18:00.

I did not seek an opportunity to talk about her healing or my recovery as I was not ready for an emotional discussion, not vulnerable.

Day 3

I initiated a discussion on a couple of occasions about her healing and my recovery. We did not have in depth discussions but at least it did not end in conflict. I had a very emotional dramatic day with my medical recovery and received a lot of support from my wife.

Today I still feel emotionally drained but am positive about my life and circumstances.

Day 4

My wife made a remark on how long it takes to tear up a porn magazine. I asked her where this fit into our healing and recovery.

The discussion ended up in conflict where she started shouting at me about my past, I withdrew and we did not continue.

Although the day was successful in talking about our situation the result that it ended in conflict was not satisfactorily. I need to work on having empathy with her pain.

The exercises the past few days made me aware that this area of our relationship need a lot more development.

Lesson 35 Health Monitoring II

1) Evolve your daily monitoring as outlined above. Post the first thing you will be monitoring in this way in your thread for feedback and, share where you will be placing the reminder.

I will seek an opportunity to discuss my recovery and my wife’s healing with her.
I will post this on the inside of my closet door.

2) Create your weekly agenda. Post it in your Recovery Thread.
Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfilment?

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage--how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means?

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?

Did I initiate meaningful conversation with my wife?

Did I look after my body to recover from my operation?

Did I seek out opportunities to experience calmness, concentration and/or a sense of spirituality?

Did I share an event with my wife? Cooking initiated by me, cinema, show.

Did I have meaningful contact with each of my children?

Did I scan woman?

Lesson 36 The Role of Boundaries

I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

We had scheduled a family vacation to another country. My wife participated in a competition at home during the first weekend. She stayed home and we had arranged that she join us after the competition. She won the competition.
My boundary should have been to be with her and support her.

II. Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

My wife is my sole source of intimate and sexual satisfaction.

Sleeping alone away from home where there is a chance that I will feel lonely, with nothing to do and ease of availability of porn can lead to falling back to my SA.

I do not do business trips where I need to sleep away from home without my wife.

Health Monitoring II Week 1

Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfilment?

I drew up a cash flow document for our household as we have to decide when to start my pension. This was discussed with my wife and financial advisor.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?

Most of my energy went into thinking about what my wife said when she lashed out at me, thinking how I will get out of this mess and worrying about the possible effects of chemo therapy.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage--how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means?

I did not emotionally do well the past week. A very painful examination by the doctor, an exhausting car trip to the next city, the news about chemo therapy were all emotional events that pulled me into a dark emotional hole.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?

Visiting my daughter to say farewell as she is moving to another city. I need to prepare for my own emotions, my wife’s emotions and my stress visiting public places.

Did I initiate meaningful conversation with my wife? Yes.

Did I look after my body to recover from my operation? Yes.

Did I seek out opportunities to experience calmness, concentration and/or a sense of spirituality? Yes.

Did I share an event with my wife? Cooking initiated by me, cinema, show. Yes I initiated and prepared the meal last night.

Did I have meaningful contact with each of my children? Yes.

Did I scan woman? No. I was only on two occasions out of my home. Once visiting the Doctor and once visiting a hospital.

Lesson 37 Identifying Personal Boundaries

I. List three of your highest values (values prioritized within the top five).

1. Honesty.
2. Intimate relation with my wife.
3. Respect for myself.

II. For each value, list at least five concrete boundaries (rules) that you will use to protect that value.

1. Honesty.

1. I will be honest with myself at all times.
2. I will be honest with my wife at all times.
3. I will not do anything that I cannot openly tell my wife about.
4. If I have lied I will immediately put it right and accept responsibility for the consequences.
5. An omission of the truth is the same as a lie.
6. If I do not share my feelings with my wife I cannot expect my wife to know how I feel.

2. Intimate relation with my wife.

1. My wife is my sole source of sexual satisfaction.
2. I do not lose my temper with my wife.
3. I do not page through magazines that I think can have revealing photos of woman.
4. I do not watch TV programmes with nude/ sex scenes or woman with revealing clothes.
5. I will not do anything that can hurt my wife or delay her healing.
6. I will be aware and sensitive for her needs and feelings.

3. Respect for myself.

1. I will not talk negative about myself and my past.
2. I will not something that is detrimental to my health. Smoke, drink too much, and eat unhealthy foods.
3. I will look after my body to ensure that I heal from my operation.
4. I will act as a person worthy of respect.
5. I will not allow myself to be pressurised into changing my mind.

III. Absolute boundaries are those boundaries that under no circumstances will you ever cross. These must be realistic AND you must hold them in reverence. Typically, everyone should have at least three such absolute boundaries. List three that you will use to help manage your life.

1. I will not do anything that I cannot openly tell my wife about.
2. I will act in the way that I want my son, daughter’s husband and daughter’s boyfriend to act if they were in this situation.
3. I will be honest with myself.

Lesson 38 Developing Healthy Boundaries

Value: Intimate relationship with my wife.
Boundary: I do not lose my temper with my wife.

Situation 1. (Actually happened 2 days ago).

My wife and myself are siting after dinner watching TV. A picture on the screen triggers my wife and she starts asking questions about my past SA. My wife starts making statements about my past which I do not agree with. I sit my arms around her. I admit my past, tell her I am sorry about my past, I understand her pain, I cannot change the past but am working on my recovery. This carries on for 2 hours with her getting more and more emotional/exited. I leave the room as I can feel tension building in me as it is difficult to handle the situation. She came to me, put her arms around me and says let’s move forward. Later I lay in bed listening to music trying to relax. She dances in the room. I thought she was dancing to relax herself. Suddenly she lashes out at me for not looking at her because she is dancing for me and I would have looked if it was one of my whores. I got out of bed and did not want get into an argument and want to leave the room. She physically restricted me. I started shouting that she should leave me alone. I went into another bedroom and got into bed as I wanted to get calm and rest to recover from my operation. She came into the room and lashed again about my past. I went into our bedroom and put clothes on to leave the house, just to get away from her lashing. She physically restricted me again and locked the door. I shouted and swore at her that she should leave me alone. I wanted to get out of the house through the front door and she grabbed the keys from me. I was furious and shouted at her to leave me as I do not want to do something both of us will regret. She said that I should not leave as she loves me and needed me. I went out of the house through the back door. She went to bed and I went to my study trying to calm down. I eventually went to sleep in the other bedroom.

New boundaries.

1. I will not let my wife lash at me for longer than an hour.
2. When my wife lashes at me I will have empathy with her and not defend.
3. When I feel I cannot emotionally handle her lashing I will tell her.
4. When my wife does not stop lashing after I have told her that I cannot emotionally handle the lashing, I will get out of the house and walk around the block.

Value: Intimate relation with my wife and Respect for myself.

Situation 2.

Somebody ask me a question. Before I can answer my wife answers. I do not agree with the answer. I feel humiliated by the fact that she answers for me as if I do not have a say or do not have an opinion. I either do not say anything, not wanting to start an argument or not wanting to confront her in front of other people, or after she has answered give my answer. I afterwards spend a lot of time thinking about what happened and the way she treats me as if I am nothing. Thinking due to my ex SA, I actually I am nothing.

The boundary: “If I do not share my feelings with my wife I cannot expect my wife to know how I feel” should protect my values of an intimate relation with my wife and respect for myself.

I just need to execute the boundary with vulnerability.

Health Monitoring II Week 2

Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfilment?

My daughter visited me and we had an enjoyable, relaxed talk about life and general things.
I had a discussion with a friend about ways to read the Bible. He gave me a book which I have started reading. I feel that I am gaining in coming closer to understanding God’s will in my life and deepening my spiritual growth.
I did lesson 38 of RN. It was meaningful to think about boundaries that will protect my boundary of not losing my temper when my wife lashes at me. This put me a step forward on my recovery.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?

As during last week, most of my energy went into thinking about my reaction in completely losing my temper when my wife lashed out at me, thinking how I will get out of this mess and worrying about the possible effects of chemo therapy.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage--how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means?

I did not emotionally do well the past week. On Sunday I completely lost my temper after my wife lashed for hours. I took some days to emotionally recover from this. My physical condition due my operation also contributed to my negativity.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?

I need to have an appointment with the oncologist about my treatment and possible side effects of the treatment. My wife might share her emotions or even start to lash at me for my past.

Did I initiate meaningful conversation with my wife? Yes.

Did I look after my body to recover from my operation? Yes, I started walking down to the local park.

Did I seek out opportunities to experience calmness, concentration and/or a sense of spirituality? Yes.

Did I share an event with my wife? Cooking initiated by me, cinema, show. Yes. I took her to see her aunt who has Alzheimer.

Did I have meaningful contact with each of my children? Yes.

Did I scan woman? On occasion when I visited public places I was very aware of woman and was tensed when focussing on not scanning.

Health monitoring II Week 3

Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfilment?

Doing lesson 39 of RN. Thinking about the sexual boundaries I have.
Executing actions in our financial planning even though it required standing 3 hours in queues at banks.
Planning an overseas holiday with my wife.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?

As during last 2 weeks, most of my energy went into thinking about my reaction when I lost my temper with my wife, sulking about the way my wife treated me and worrying about the possible effects of chemo therapy.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage--how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means?

I did not emotionally do well the past week. It took me more than a day to emotionally recover from the fight I had with my wife. I felt alone with nobody to share my pain and concerns over my health.
I read a chapter in my book about anger, about forgiving my wife for her reaction and am working on it.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?

I will start my treatment for cancer on Wednesday and do not know what the side effects will be.
We have decided to start a discussion on our recovery and healing twice a week. Although we have set boundaries I need to prepare myself to stick to the boundaries and not react negatively when she does not stick to the boundaries

Did I initiate meaningful conversation with my wife? Yes.

Did I look after my body to recover from my operation? Yes, I walked down to the local park 4 times the past week.

Did I seek out opportunities to experience calmness, concentration and/or a sense of spirituality? Yes.

Did I share an event with my wife? Cooking initiated by me, cinema, show. Yes. We did some planning for our overseas trip together. She is not satisfied with my involvement.

Did I have meaningful contact with each of my children? No. I lost an opportunity when we visited our daughter and I sulked the whole evening after my wife lashed out at me just before we went there.

Did I scan woman? Yes.

Health monitoring II Week 4

Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfilment?

Continuing with lesson 39 of RN about my sexual boundaries.
Doing an exercise in a book about anger management on exploring the other person’s frame of reference.
Working out the detail of an overseas holiday with my wife.
Sharing our emotions between my wife and myself started off good and I learned a lot about her emotional experiences.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?

As during last 2 weeks, most of my energy went into thinking about my reaction when I lost my temper with my wife, sulking about the way my wife treated me and worrying about the possible effects of chemo therapy.
I also spend some meaningful time on RN and understanding my wife’s frame of reference.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage--how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means?

I did not emotionally do well the past week. My wife and myself had two sessions of sharing our emotions. Both sessions ended in an argument.
One evening my wife lashed out about my past. I did try to calm her down in the beginning but eventually lost my cool. It was a very sad occasion for both of us.
Doing the exercise about exploring her frame of reference was good for me and helped me to emotionally balance myself.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?

Possible side effects of my treatment for cancer may lead me to focus only on myself.
Last week’s discussion with my wife on our recovery and healing did not end well. I need to prepare myself to stick to the boundaries and not react negatively when she does not stick to the boundaries and to be vulnerable.

Did I initiate meaningful conversation with my wife? Yes.

Did I look after my body to recover from my operation? Yes, I walked down to the local park 4 times the past week.

Did I seek out opportunities to experience calmness, concentration and/or a sense of spirituality? Yes.

Did I share an event with my wife? Cooking initiated by me, cinema, show. Yes. I initiated and cooked meat for one dinner.

Did I have meaningful contact with each of my children? Yes. Today was father’s day and I appreciated their contact and interest in my health.

Did I scan woman? Yes. I am wondering about the definition of scanning and if I will ever be able to stop scanning. I realise that I should not challenge the definition but focus on my recovery.

Health monitoring II Week 5

Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfilment?

Continuing with lesson 39 of RN about my sexual boundaries.
Listening to my wife’s emotions about her view of my SA recovery.
Attending a discussion about a new job opportunity.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?

Most of my energy went into thinking about the exercise in lesson 39, planning how to convince my wife that I am on the right track with recovery, thinking about the fortune I have that despite my treatment I am not seriously sick and planning my new job.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage--how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means?

I did emotionally much better than the previous weeks.
My wife lashed at me on two occasions about my past. The first was short and I stopped it by telling her to taken a 10 minute break before we continue. The second time she did not calm down but kept on lashing. I sulked a bit the next day. It was the only day I spend a lot of time with negative thoughts.
The rest of the time I spend mostly pro-actively thinking about my relation with my wife, my recovery and my new job.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?

Possible side effects of my treatment for cancer may lead me to focus only on myself.
Last week’s discussion with my wife on our recovery and healing went good as we sticked to our own rules and boundaries.
I need to prepare myself not to react on her emotions when she is triggered by some evens and suddenly starts lashing about my past.

Did I initiate meaningful conversation with my wife? Yes.

Did I look after my body to recover from my operation? Yes, I walked down to the local park 4 times the past week.

Did I seek out opportunities to experience calmness, concentration and/or a sense of spirituality? Yes.

Did I share an event with my wife? Cooking initiated by me, cinema, show. Yes. I initiated and prepared one dinner.

Did I have meaningful contact with each of my children? Yes.

Did I scan woman? Yes.

Health monitoring II Week 6

Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfilment?

Continuing with lesson 39 of RN about my sexual boundaries.
Spending a whole day alone at home without having an urge to go back to my old SA life.
Not getting dragged into my wife frustration when she started lashing at me.
Working on my new job.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?

Most of my energy went into thinking about the exercise in lesson 39, planning how to convince my wife that I am on the right track with recovery, worrying about and suffering due the the side-effects of my treatment. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to carry on for another 4 weeks.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage--how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means?

I did emotionally much better than the previous weeks.
I am experiencing big side-effects from my treatment and this causes me to be physically uncomfortable and in pain most of the time.
My wife lashed at me on two occasions about my past. On both occasions I said that we should take a 10 minute break as per our rules for communication and left the room. On the second occasion she kept on lashing and I lost my temper.
We had a good discussion on this the next day with a plan to prevent it happening.
The rest of the time I spend mostly pro-actively thinking about my relation with my wife, my recovery and my new job.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?

Possible side effects of my treatment for cancer may lead me to focus only on myself. I know now what the probable side-effect are and should focus on long term issues.
I need to prepare myself not to react on my wife’s emotions when she is triggered by some evens and suddenly starts lashing about my past.

Did I initiate meaningful conversation with my wife? Yes.

Did I look after my body to recover from my operation? Yes, I walked down to the local park 3 times the past week. I gave fatty food away that I received as a present.

Did I seek out opportunities to experience calmness, concentration and/or a sense of spirituality? Yes.

Did I share an event with my wife? Cooking initiated by me, cinema, show. Yes. I initiated and prepared one dinner.

Did I have meaningful contact with each of my children? Yes with my daughters and no with my son.

Did I scan woman? Yes.