Recovery Nation

just wanted to write a little bit of something about isolating the emotions when urges come up.


had an urge today and thought i dealt with it pretty successfully, considering the big changes that are happening inside me still.

the reason why i thought i dealt with it well was because, i quickly realized that i simply had to "isolate" the emotion.

to recognize that the thought/feeling i was experiencing was induced by stress and needed to managed in a more healthy way.

wow. that's a good way for thinking about it actually. i don't know if i thought of that before.

i basically took a nap today late in the afternoon and woke up feeling quite aroused. i think i would have probably engaged in some way to stimulate myself, as i started to, but then i quickly realized that i needed to isolate the emotion.

and i think an easier way to think of it--instead of some overwhelming force. that this is an UNhealthy way of managing of my life. yes, i'm stressed out. but there is quite a list of toolbox that i've used/am learning to manage my emotions in a better way.


and so ya i just have to realize that...this is an unhealthy way of managing my emotions. and when i thus experience it...i have to break it down, isolate it, that this feeling/elation that i'm experiencing, is not good for me.


but that instead of just that, i know i can manage this stress in other ways. and to recognize that this proves that i'm stressed out right now. but to also be aware that this can be managed in many different ways.


so ya. first step is in isolating it. but ya, i would definitely like to do some more work for this in the upcoming days.


but ya for example, i just saw this girl's sexy picture on facebook. no nudity involved, but voluptuous body/attractive face. and it's just a picture, but i recognize that this type of visual stimuli has been a sinister way for me to manage my emotions. and every time i have thought about something like this, or seen an image about this, or find my mind traveling to a girl and objectifying her like this...

even though other people may do it, that's not the important tthing. i have to recognize that and be aware that these type of ways of living my life has been poison to me. they have all been poisonous and unhealthy means that i've used to manage my life. but ya. to now move past that.

-lk

Hi LK
how are you
how is the job going?

I wonder how the action plans to not scan is going
I used to be very mechanical and deliberately "bounce my gaze away from women, but reality you cannot stop seeing people
but you can stop objectifying them
I recall how relieved I was when I discovered that I was no longer scanning
I was seeing all people as people
I was not seeking out that bit of flesh
I was not seeking recognition or attention by forcing eye contact

I knew then that my mind set had evolved

regarding your latest post you seem to be stressed but remember stress is only a finite measurable emotion and there is no need to avoid it
deal with it healthily, you know how

so you got to lesson 60, well done
Please now complete the course and continue on your journey

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

LESSON 44 REVISITED:

A. Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life.

well, as I am on the road in recovery right now. my core identity is everything that I truly have. it helps guide me to make the right decisions more so and more so. interesting, because I think my core identity was really upset before though. it was really upset when I wasn't doing well or when I was giving into masturbation. it would be angry for doing something that was wrong. and that's whati know what my core identity is.

and at the same time. it does things that gives me fulfillment. that gives me a sense of pride. and now, at least, i know it's not based off immediate gratificaiton. yet at the same time, i'm so concerned and defensive with what is good for me or not good for me. i'm so concerned with what isn't healthy and what is healthy that it actually doesn't let me try simple and basic things. for example, i had some ice cream earlier today, yet i was very reluctant to have it because i know i had a strong urge yesterday and i was afraid that was a way of giving into an urge.

even tho ice cream has no association with my addiction in the past. but as soon as i had it, i realized that there was nothing to be afraid of. and of course, this is very different with masturbation and pornography - where i know I KNOW there is no line to cross and things like that. but even when i do cross it, i find myself having compassion for my actions and understanding that was the amount of emotional capacity that i can handle at that moment before my mind had to run away, which is understandable, but proves that i still have some work to do.


B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.

well it's everything that i have again. from weightlifting and becoming stronger, to trying new ways of meeting people, to reading an article, to cooking for myself, to being organized/clean, these are all senses of pride that are actually becoming more and more natural to me as time goes on.

it does feel really good to be able to cook for myself and keep my room neat and pay for hte majority of my bills. but it will feel even better when i continue this process of development -- and hopefully can pay for everything wihtout finc support, and can really bulk up hopefully in due time. and other ones as well.

interesting. i should most definitely revisit my list of values -- of what i would want to do again. to keeping that spice of life-- finding a new activity to do instead of being caught in the same loop.

for example, let me try a new way for meeting people. i've tried some online dating websites that didn't work out too well but let me try a few more that i've used in the past and know about. yes, i've met people in person but i would like to try to the online dating for a bit. and to see if i can develop these friendships that i'm making at my new job. it's nice but ya.


that makes me feel really happy actually. because i can kind of see how it's almost natural to want to get caught up in the same routine - day after day- which kind of feels like the past few weeks. and even tho it's been nice trying to find some stability -- maybe add or throw in a little activity that could bring the spice of life again! kind of when i first started recovery and felt like i was walking in a candy shop. i'm just wondienr gwhat that oculd be.


a club? a meetup.com event? going on a hiking trip with a friend? something like that could work. just something social this time. i think i would like that. a lot of my past activities were so involved with myself, which weren't a bad thing because i needed time to gain a little bit of a foundation -- but now i would like to find something that would make me feel good when being around people and things like that. something that would ya...make things worth it :) so ya that sounds really nice.

so like different activities that way. trying to become more socially involved. i've definitely given myself an effort, but i know i'm much more comfortable with myself, and i'm hoping that things can take off easier if i give them a try.

just like:
trying to find a social dating website and meet someone that way
or with people that i know in my current social circle-- try to set up a fun outdoor activity that would be really good for everyone.
or making sure that i'm there for my uncle when he needs to move out -- and helping them move into their new home.

just something that would make me know that i am a part of this world. that would be really good actually. i would like that. :) so ya ya.
C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?

CONT OF LESSON 44 REVISITED


C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?

i've never been so in tuned with myself than ever. it seriously grows day by day. now when i find myself involved iwth an unhealthy thought, i find myself reaching outt o myself. giving myself compassion instead of blaming myself.

picking myself up and understanding where i've been and where i'm going. and understanding that i gave into a slip because of the combination of all of these events.

but even bigger than a series of events that unfold that leads up to a thought-- maybe it's related with this underlying notion that i just believed that this would all FAIL.

i mean it makes perfect sense.

why wouldn't i complete these RN lessons? sure, i stopped doing them once my recovery took off, but isn't that reverse circular logic? if i'm doing well in something, and this guidebook has helped me along the way, why would i stop doing something that has been good for me. that doesn't make any sense at all!


wow. that's something i should really, really think about. something i should really take into heart...for the reason why i still have slip ups from time to time. i mean not like masturbating lsip ups, but some other thoughts i'd rather not share. sometimes just a thought or a scan or an internet search when my porn blocker malfunctioned.

and that's the thing. i definitely, REQUIRE to do some more work on understanding my addiction. past addiction btw i wanna call it. i need to know what this band aid really is in and out if i'm to completely move away.

and it makes sense. it's like i've stopped putting in some basic, core work that still needs to be done...because hidden deep inside is a belief that i will fail. wow. wow o wowo.


it's so intense. that's why my therapist wants to see me twice a week! hah. i've definitely done a lot but i think i'm ready to bring RN back into my life.

and it takes courage to be on this website. because you DON'T want to do it, because it's easier to believe that you will fail than succeed.

and not giving your best shot is setting yourself up for failure.

for how can you succeed when you don't truly give your best effort? then you can always blame yourself and feel bitter and alone.

wow. good talk with myself :) bed time now.

Hi lostkid,

Excellent work. Sounds like things are going well for you, and particularly good thoughts in regards to compassion for yourself.



I know exactly where you're at. Most likely, at this point, your acting out behaviours are (more or less) in the rearview mirror (except for, as you say, the occasional slip, which I'll get to). You understand your emotions, decisions, and thinking (again, on a basis that is improving daily). You know that you will never return to the way that you once were. Where your attention should turn to now is almost a "seek and destroy" mission, where you actively look for and eliminate the patterns that led you to turn to compulsive behaviour in the first place.

Most likely, for where you are, many of these patterns still exist, except that you've now learned to manage your emotions and make healthy values-based decisions, so the addiction has been essentially eliminated. Now what you should do is start systematically identifying and attacking the underlying patterns that still exist that prevent you from fully realizing your values. Remember, your addiction developed in response to these patterns; the patterns did no result from the addiction. So once the addiction is gone, all that remains is these patterns, which as I've found myself, continue to contribute to underlying stresses and anxiety that I had just gotten used to or covered up with my addiction. Once I came to the point where I knew my addiction was gone, I then started to eliminate these patterns...and with each one that I resolve, my internal stress level lessens, I feel a bit lighter and happier, and I feel more capable of fully realizing my values. This is the way that you end the addiction forever. Once those patterns are removed, the addiction will be gone for good (barring complacency in normal life management, severe trauma, or a willful return to addiction).

Anyways, glad to see you back and that you're pushing yourself forward to get even better. You have now left "recovery" and are just in the process of constantly improving your life and health. But in reality, both are one and the same.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

LESSON 45

A.

stressed out after parents try to reach out to me -- sending me gifts, visiting me, lecturing me, advising me, etc.
see roommate, after saw her intoxicated and flirtatious, and realized how attractive she is to me, and that it’s okay for me to have sex with her because I cannot be hurt.
fantasize different ways about approaching roommate -- going out drinking with her, watching tv, etc.
making moves, because I know she won’t reject me.
transitions into objectification of her and not who she actually is. lose her identity in lieu of stimulation. fulfill sexual fantasies

B.

Anxious. Stressed. Uneasy
Arousal. Control. Safety.
Increase in visual stimulation creates excitement. Happiness. No rejection.
Control. No fear. Happiness.
Pure bliss with objectification and orgasm. Pure control. No pain. No hurt.





wow. it should be noted that this is a chain that I just created in my head, thus it has never happened. I’m also creating this fantasy with my roommate a chain because I learned today how flirtatious and open she becomes when she’s intoxicated.

This personally does not fall under a pattern for managing my emotions in the past, because I never really even hooked up with people at all. Pornography was my haven! But considering that pornography is becoming less irrelevant, I definitely should do something with that. I thikn I will. But I just wanted to analyze these emotional parts.

Wow. I cannot believe how control factored into the equation. It’s like....I’ve truly lived life feeling I had no control. It’s like I was so hurt in my past that the only way I can manage was to have complete control over my emotions. And it becomes this selfish and distorted perspective of life because it’s all about saving me. It doesn’t become about love or about sharing with others, but about saving me in this euphoria.

That’s so interesting to me. It’s like. I must have been incredibly...incredibly anxious my entire life that the only way I thought I could manage was not in reality, but in complete fantasy.

And in fantasy, I have control. Control over all the pieces in my mind. And when I have control, I am happy. I am happy when I am in control of my life.

But it’s like I felt that there was zero control of my life in reality. There was no control over my future, over who i was, over even events in the past. And it makes sense - as someone who has just discovered that i was raised with controlling parents - it particularly is logical that I had this incredibly strong need for control.

This need for control and domination in a way because I felt I had no control over my own life. Over my own existence, which is truly all I have. I was just like this lifeless vessel going through life hoping to not drown. Even though I was already drowning because I was...just drowning.

But that makes so much sense about this need for control. And I never connected this before in the past. I never connected that


That with control - I cannot be hurt. I cannot feel pain. It’s my world in a way, my own world of feelings, and I control everything I have.


But it’s so incredibly ironic because it’s like this terrible lie I’ve believed my entire life though...

as if I couldn’t control my life in reality. but that I would search for it in fantasy. as if I wasn’t deserving for my own happiness, and I would search for it within my mind, even though it wouldn’t exist.

I would be searching for a happiness that I knew wouldn’t exist. I would be searching to control something that actually was never there.

It’s like...


there are these primal needs that we all have -- to have a sense of control over their own life, to live for the pursuit of happiness.

and it’s like....I genuinely believed these were not mine for my own self worth. I genuinely believed that I could not find it.

And so, even though they wouldn’t be mind, I would still try to search for it. Try to search for it and find it, blindly, because it wouldn’t exist though except for reality.

And it’s like I knew all of this. I knew I was searching for happiness that wasn’t possible. I knew I was searching for something that wasn’t real.

But I believed this voice so strongly within my mind, as if I had no choice. No other choice than to search for something that wasn’t ever there.


Gosh. That’s quite sad to know that.

And so it makes perfect sense that I would live in sexual fantasies because this is where i can control my life. Where I wouldn’t feel a sense of....loss or pain or failure.

It’s like wow....


that pain. that failure. that the idea of being alone forever.


it’s like i had NO control over these notions. they were simply embedded within my dreams during my sleep, and I could not change my destiny.

that’s why this has been so soososos hard to overcome.


it’s like I’m fighting against a black wall inside of me. it’s quite insanely crazy how evil it is.


how much evil is inside of me. how much evil is inside of me.


:) evil. I thikn I’m starting to love it though :) this evil. embracing it. should continue therapy, short on cash but still should go.


so ya. that is so important though. so important though. I’m really happy about that actually. I’m really happy about that actually. Really happy about that actually. So ya.





that was the whole control. that was the issue of control. that I had no control that I was going to be alone forever, or feel like a failure always. and that at least, even though that would be true, at least I could have control over my sexual fantasies.

and escape the pain. escape the pain and live in happiness. except that this happiness wasn’t real, yet at least I could live in a dream that didn’t define me.

And I believed i was defined by...such beliefs. I believed that i was simply...worthless and that there was no way around it. about being defective. about never being good enough for my parents.

it’s quite insane. quite insane indeed the words that have paralyzed my existence.

so wow. so ya.

time for bed though...excellent work though :) really, really should continue more on this lesson, and definitely will finish these lessons.

LESSON 46


I just thought this lesson is interesting that the emotions are not our core identity but a way of communicating with our core identity, and it’s about isolating the emotions from the decision making so that you won’t be controlled by the urge.

I just found this interesting. Because so many times when i had the need to act out, i thought i just couldn’t control it. i thought it was just a part of who i am -- and this was the only means that i can deal with stress in my life ie. jobs, relationships, school.


for example, i remember when i was going to school and was having exams. i remember that i would immediately get rid of my stress via pornography. it was right on my computer and was a perfect study break from anything, so ya that was an efficient process. and i was never caught because i was just “studying” quietly in my room. and i would even look at it as socially acceptable, because it looked like i was studying hours, well even though i was, i would be taking these pornography breaks to ease my mind.

interesting right?


so the final exam/studying was the life event that was occurring. and considering i managed my life through sexual means, and had a sexualized mind, that’s how I SAW the world. interesting.

because I SAW the world through sexual means, that’s how i was managing my stress in my life really. wow. that’s interesting. that’s why it’s so important to remove the sexual element from it really. because that’s how i was perceiving the world

but even still, i find myself scanning women, or wondering if that is scanning, or if i’m doing something wrong, even when i’m not looking, i know there’s a woman there and it’s like...? but sometimes i feel good when i don’t look, like a little hurray for me.



but it’s like woah. woah. that’s why it’s really bad for me to just scan all these woman really. because my mind is sexualized, and in a way i’m just continuing the addiction in a very subtle way. that’s interesting actually. interesting.


so ya. and i definitely realize the scanning is more prevalent than when i


woah. that is pretty crazy though. it’s about my perception though. that’s the biggest problem. it’s about my perception though. it’s about my perception though. that’s the biggest problem though. that’s what it’s about. my perception.


as soon as i change my perception, then i change my life, and that’s why people were saying there’s no meaning behind something unless you give it meaning before in your past. and that’s why the whole objectifying is so important and how it is prevalent in so many parts of your life.


things are only given meaning once you have a past emotion associated with it. yes, that definitely makes sense. and so when my mind is thinking of a sexual fantasy thought, wow, that’s so perfect for me to ralize that is when i am avoiding something. that my mind is wanting to numb something that i am terrified about. isn’t that interesting, how i can break it down that way?


so when i find myself perceiving an initial event through sexual fantasies, that is me referring back to my old mind of dealing with things in immediate gratification way because i am unable to deal with it in reality. but i just have to take a moment to process it and realize, what am i really afraid of? why am i really having these erotic thoughts, and what am i trying to avoid right now?

and it’s interesting. it’s like i throw my review options away because of the stimulus. i completley ignore the review options because i get so caught up in the immediate gratification of emotions that i just have these sexual fantasies. but a good way that has been helping me is when i find myself, wandering, and think like -- well would i feel this way if this event didn’t happen? and then i find myself, working to the front of the diagram, and understanding that it is the event that is scarring me, and nothing else.

and that the sexualized perception is just me reversing to my old pattern of dealing with problems immediately, instead of trying to find realistic options. but that’s why it’s so important for me to communicate with others to try to find other people’s perspectives, those that i trust, and what they think about this decision. that makes sense.


and so. so. so whenever i find myself thinking about those fantasy thoughts, the best way to think, is, well, would i have these thoughts if this even’t didn’t happen. and when i find out why i am thinking about the fantasies, then i’ve found my problem, and then i can find viable solutions for the problem that can benefit me as a person.


and i think that’s what isolating the emotion is all about -- making decisions based on your core values -- but it becomes impossible to think when you’re focused on running away through the sexual fantasies in your mind.

yet that’s why it’s important to think --- well would i be thinking about this if this didn’t happen. if i didn’t feel this way -- and that allows your mind to focus on the event itself, instead of what you’re feeling inside, which is to run away, and to then focus on the steps to achieve viable and healthy results for you :)

wow that does sound nice indeed. yes, it does sound nice to rework your life in a positive and progressive manner.

so, for example, if i find myself thinking when i’m at the gym -- why am i scanning these girls right now?

well, it’s probably because i feel like i’m going to be alone forever, and that at least i can dream about being with someone. because dreaming, immediate gratification, is easier than achieving in reality. and i have to work through the realistic steps -- well, you’re here at the gym because you want to develop yourself mentally and physically -- and that idea of being alone -- is rooted out of pain.


the reason why you’re scanning is because you’ve lived in pain -- that you’re going to be alone for your life, instead of believing that you are part of society -- and if you can just at the very least question the notion that idea of...hey, maybe i fell down, but i am still a part of this world, and im going through a lot of internal changes inside so i can be the best person i can be, and thus help make my mark in this world, would you have a need to scan at girls so badly?

or even when you aren’t looking, but still have that desire, you have to remember that the root cause of it is out of a painful belief that you’re supposed to be alone. now, sure, if you find something attractive, you cannot change that. but if you find yourself gravitating towards like anyone, looking for any relief, you know what ti’s rooted out of. but just for the short to long term, its best to not scan.


its best to not scan because you’ve lived this life out of pain and not out of growth. out of a belief that you do not belong in this world and that you need to belong in another world. where you cannot feel pain, but that world actually doens’t exist. the only world that currently exists for you right now is this one.

so you best realize that you scan out of pain. for there is no other world to save you. but you can get in touch with your pain -- that you do it out of loneliness -- and that scanning will not be your friend --- for it’s an unhealthy solution to solving your pain.

sure, it’s definitely efficient and numbs your pain, but it will not heal you.


you will go through life in pain if you continue to use these unhealthy means to get through your life.

and don’t lie to yourself. do not lie to yourself.


sure, you know you’ve made progress. but you know the little secrets why you haven’t completed RN. why you have still have sexual thoughts that pass by -- that makes you want to do something bad.

yes, you don’t physically engage with your past unhealthy management tools via pornography, masturbation, prostitution, but you have had some close encounters with your sexual fantasies, and have thought DEEPLY about making them a reality.

even though you know you can’t. for one step in that direction is so many steps backwards.

you know that’s not for you anymore. not even one time.

and thus...


you must always remmeber that whenever you have thoughts about engaging those sexual fantasies, about scanning around you, that you are hurting yourself. numbing yourself from a pain/problem that you want to ignore.

it is a poor and unhealthy choice for managing your life for it keeps you in the darkness. it lets you dream of acceptance in a world that does not exist. it lets you feel good about something that won’t be part of this world.

there is nothing good about dealing with these emotional scars through immediate gratification, which is why i’m so happy about my decision to not drink anymore. i feel so good when i don’t drink. it makes me--- so alive and control of myself.

but ya.


i’ve done, exceptionally well, EXCEPTIONALLY well with managing my emotions recently -- because i feel the growing pain. my mind doesn’t wander -- even though it tried to run away so badly to another place, i was able to catch myself just in time before any permanent changes were made (thinking about moving to another place because thinking it would be easier, thankfully talked to therapist and she helped me see the bigger picture) and it’s like...i’m starting to naturally become in touch with all of the healthy means of moving my life forward. and that is something i will continue to do. because i am worth it :)


but i guess "a point of no return" would have been when i got fired recently from a job i didn't take seriously because i've struggled to take myself seriously. and how i wanted to move back home. but instead of doing that, or turning to sexual fantasies, i decided to write about my pains in my journal, talk about it with my therapist, make food, do laundry, go to the gym...etc etc

just thought this would be important to share on this website, so how do i feel about everything right now?

definitely a bit on the worry side right now -- mainly because i just started new phase in recovery and health by opening to the thoughts of masturbation and trying to relearn my new sexual identity, that i've put on hold basically for over a year right now as i built up my own values in life.

and so how do i feel? a bit confused with everything. i realize that a lot of the same visual and sexual fantasies cannot be crossed still --- such as pornography, objectification in public, trying to meet people on the internet for sex, and trying to fulfill those deviant sexual fantasies in reality.

but what i do feel really good about is about masturbation when it is solely focused on myself. that has felt soooo good. but it's like i wasn't really sure what to do with these other parts, but now i'm realizing there are still many boundaries that cannot be crossed.

and just because i may open myself up for growth and took that leap of faith to try to be more healthy, that doesn't mean i need to open myself up to everything because there is so much out there that can hurt me. hmm. interesting to think of it that way.

but i guess i just wasn't sure about a lot of this. i knew that taking the step from masturbation to hooking up with someone would be good since before it was limited to solely pornography and taht was just a reinforcement that i'm going to be alone forever etc, but i didn't realize that even if i'm searching for a sexual partner on the internet, it's in a way the SAME thing like pornography.

for example, if someone is just giving a description of what they want in a partner, it's almost like pornography in a way because the words are creating a visual picture for me to identify with and control and thus create into a scene in my own mind. interesting. but --- that's the thing though. i cannot just start searching for sex on the internet because it's in the same way the same thing i was doing before. and i cannot hook up with those people who are part of those sexual fantasy


and evenw ith people that i meet -- i have to most importantly focus on what is happening between us right then and there. and eventhough i am interested in trying to have sex with people now instead of just having pornography, i have to realize that in a way it's like i'm keeping the pornography mindset with me if i'm having a conversatiohn wtih someone that i'm attracted to and all of a sudden i'm starting to have visions in my mind of having sex with taht person.

that is NOT healthy and that is me controlling a sexual fantasy to compensate for the belief that i'm going to be alone forever.


and that is not healthy, even though i'm opening myself up to relationships and healthy, it just proves how undeveloped they still are because they immediately go back to the old way of how i approached everyone before ---which is me controlling delusions in my mind that no one else will know about, because i'm supposed to be alone forever

so what would be the first step then to move along forward right now? well i already know about some boundaries that i have in place about decreasing on the controlling.


but what i think i have to do, from everything that i've learned, is that intimacy has to be mutual between two partners, and not just me and my imagination. yes, i need to ahve some rules i cannot cross such as those who fall under my deviant sexual fantasies cannot be fulfilled, but that those who are within my age range, and i get along with --- i think those are the people that i can try to have sexual intimacy with.


but hte intimacy --- i want it to be done to make that person feel good because i LIKE who they are--- or i may be attracted to that person.


but it's like --- i think it's still really unhealthy for me to just have sex with somone because i think they're hot? i would prefer to have sex with somoene because i like them, who they are, and i think it would be fun to get to experiment with them.

considering my age, 24, i'm still fairly young. i don't think it's necessary for me to have deeply romantic relationships as the only way for me to ahve sex with someone. but simply if i enjoy someone's company, and they enjoy mine, and we both are attracted to each other, then we can take it from there.


but in regards to making these fantasies all in my mind, that is unhealthy --- i truly think that would be a mistake of me for trying to build these relationships in my head. i know that would be wrong for me to do all of that. i know that would be very wrong for me to do that.


i know whenever i catch myself doing that -- just because i'm attracted to someone -- taht that isn't real. for example i was hanging out in a group last night, and there was someone that i was attracted to. but just because i want to have sex now with people, that doesn't mean the only way for me to do that is to have fantasies about those i'm attracted to. but to just talk to that person and see where it goes and if there's a mutual interest, then take it from there.

oh.

oh :)

that makes so much more sense actually and that's something that i would want to develop more --- so ya i like that a lot though. i like that a lot though. but what else though what else though, what else though what else though what else though what else though what else though do i need to have

i think that's personally excellent. to realize that whenever i find myself trailing in my mind, that that is still unhealthy.

and even though i'm opening myself up to the options of having sex with others in life, it has to be built and made on BOTH sides --- not just in my head --- and that's hard, because that means the other person needs to like me, but this is part of the communication skills that i need to develop, or else i'll be keeping myself in a cage my entire life and i won't be growing or moving forward.

interesting i figured that out. interesting i know about that.

but what else though right now right what else though.


just about the idea of, of,

that i need to...that i need that i need to.


that i cannot do these sexual fantasy things online as well --- i mena -- but that's the thing --- i'm thinking only if it's mutual.

but the problem with the internet is that you don't know th other person, because you're basing it off your imagination, which requries you to create visual and sexual fields. now to have a conversation with someone that i get along with or want to genuinely more know about, that would be better because then it's not based off just visual and sexual intimacy, but actually trying to get ot know someone and continue that in reality, and if there is some sort of attraction then bring that out.

but to for example to be creating sexual fantasies of somoene that i'm speaking with is unhealhty and doesn't allow me to be there in the moment.

however, if i take the risk to be there in the moment. if i take the risk to actually talk to someone --- and to be ther e--- and to not run away by controlling sexual fantasies in my mind --- that's not intimacy for that's me choosing to be alone.


and so ya. this is what i need to keep in my mind. i think it's great that i'm trying to rebuild my sexual health. but that it starts in a place of, connecting with other people around me, which is all about developing my communication skills and nothing else really.

as soon as i build all of that up --- that's when the intimacy will be able to happen. but the communication skills will only develop as soon as i continue to take the leap of faith of not being so afraid. so ya. it all works together.

but it's just interesting that my mind over the past week was kind of feeling like it was going backwards because i was trying to incorporate sexual interest into my life again but i was only reverting back to my own way. but it's importatn that i can masturbate though. that i've found something that is true to me and feels good. but i know that's not the only thing though and i have so much work to do though still.

and basically it comes down to the same thing --- whether it's the internet or someone in person --- i yes have to be phsycailly attracted to someone, but most importantly attracted to who they are, and WILLING to take the leap of faith to develop some kind of a relationship with taht person by being in the moment and not in my head. by speaking from my heart and not controlling the conversation. by listening to the words and expressing my thoughts, instead of diverting attention to something else so i can focus on the sexual fantasies...like all of those are unhealthy decision making sets.


but i know now though. i am much more prepared and aware of the importance of...really expressing my thoughts when i'm with someone. i can only share my feelings with someone. and if it doens't work out, then it doesn't work out. but i don't just create a sexual fantasy in my mind because i think it's never going to work out. or i just don't hook up with those who were part of my pornography sexual fantasies because i don't think i'll never be happy.

gosh this is SO important to be discussing right now, this is so huge, and so important for me to do all of this right now though. so yup yup yup.


but what else though, what else do i need to do though?


just to realize --- that rebuliding sexual intimacy in a healthy way will take years as well. it will take time for me to truly be there with someone in the moment.

and these are some boundaries i should definitely follow:
no pornography. that's an absolute.
no messaging or posting on the internet for sex. absolute.
no fulfilling sexual deviant pornography fantasies in reality. absolute.

i cannot cross these boundaries for they are all along the same line --- ME creating sexual fantasies to compensate for trauma that i'm going to be alone forever. and i can easily control these thoughts, and it's just really weak and unhealthy.

what are more healthy boundaries that i can slowly take the risk with:

in person:
meeting people in person and just sharing a conversation and expressing thoughts and holding eye contact and listening to their words and asking them more about what they mean about something and things as such. this is really good that i've been able to develop.
and whenever i have my mind wanting to control the thoughts instead of expressing the feeling, remember that those thoughts are unhealthy, and it's a reflection of me feeling connected with others around me. with whomever i'm speaking with...and if i want to feel more connected, i have to open myself up more.

and how? by focusing on listening to their feelings and thoughts, and allowing myself to express my own thoughts and feelings. that would be the best way.

and what about people if i meet on online dating websites:
to send messages to those you are attracted to physically and emotionally.

you CANNOT do only physically because then you are disregarding everything that you will want to be accomplishing, which is to feel connected with someone. there is no connection even when you can have sex with someone off the internet. there is nothing to fear--- for the fear is of being with someone in the moment. so ya. that is very, very important to keep in mind though.

but what can you do?
it doesn't change, except that you are trying to build something emotionally to someone you are attracted to. but if you find yourself daydreaming about conversations or sexual fantasies that you think you cannot live without -- just rememeber that that is unhealthy and a result of you fearing intimacy. you just have to take the internet conversations for what they are --- someone you may have a similar value with and also are attracted to. but that's it though and the real test comes in person when you need to express your thoughts to someone and things as such.

so ya. this is fantastic realignment of allowing myself to develop and open myself sexually with others.

it doesn't happen in a snap of a finger just because you want to have sex now. and it's definitely not healthy for you to fulfill those sexual fantasies, look at pornography, or to just have sex with strangers without getting to know them.

i thikn it's okay for you to have sex with people you are attracted to and get along well with and want to have fun with -- but that's it though --- not just for sex. i want to develop the emotional intimacy. and you cannot bullsh*t that though. you have to know if it's real. and you cannot be fooling yourself into thinking that it's all about sex.


i think that's what you have to be honest iwth yourself.

the sex should be a result of an expression of how you feel for someone. and should not be the result to escape your life or to imagine that is how it is to feel connected with someone. that makes sense though that makes sense though.

so if you look at relationships that way --- with the end result of building emotional intimacy, then everything else follows. but if you're so scared of what that truly is, and find yourself running away and looking at things that don't exist, then that is unhealthy.

that would be unhealthy and that was the thing taht iw as SOOOO confused about this week, but thankfully i'm taking the time to acknowledge and grow in a positive life so i can be happy with myself.

so i think that's my rule of thumb for now.


i want the goal for all relationships to be an expression of feeling and to listen to others feelings as well. that is really difficult, scary, yet important to do though. that is really difficult for me to do.

and everything else that follows -- the sex, the kissing, etc -- is a result of me feeling attracted to someone.

so you don't think it's okay to hook up with someone without being emotionally connected to someone? that really depends though. only if it's someone my age though. that's it. and not paid for of course. because i never thought i could do that. but that cannot be planned though or controlled through sexual fantasies such as the internet or things like that. it cannot because it's too much of a fantasy based. only if it's reality based and i have sex or fool around with someone who is within what i consider a healthy sexual interaction, which would be someone that i basically thought i could never have sex with...lol.

and no, no internet based sex. that's based off delusions though. but ya.

i'll consider the borders for this as the time comes, because i've never had experience with this section so i don't know how to actually adjust it.

but with everything else though, at least for now, i LOVE the idea of sex and physical intimacy is just an expression of how i emotionally feel for someone after being connected with someone. that sounds sooo good actually :) i would love that actually, so ya so ya so ya


and just for something like that --- it's okay to be attracted to someone --- but your goal is to build intimacy from the inside, and not the outside :)

okay. so this is an interesting period that i am going through as i am relearning my sexual identity in a healthy way.

basically, i'm upset and disappointed in myself for choosing to masturbate to pornography -- i knew a few weeks ago it was bad for me -- but i know there were many decisions that lead to me "trying/taking a risk" with this.

1) i knew i was angry at myself. i knew i was angry at myself for not doing 100% perfect in an interview recently and i've been dealing with it in a healthy way, but now i'm wondering if pornography crept into my mind as a way to punish myself.

2) yet the other side is telling me, that it just wanted to see if i've improved over the past 2 weeks and that if i can safely bring this sexual fantasies into my life. and to just stop if it wasn't any fun for me.

after having an orgasm last night, i realize that masturbating solo (without any sexual fantasies) compared to pornography does NOT even compare.

i've honestly had the best orgasms of my life over these past few weeks as i'm safely learning to masturbate to myself. when i was masturbating to myself, before switching to pornography last night, it was just INCREDIBLE how i was touching myself in ways i never even dreamed of before. talk about pure acceptance of who i am and loving myself and taking care of myself :) that's what masturbation is for me now :) and it's extremely scary to take the leap of faith and try this after over a year of abstinence, but i believe at my age of 24 it is healthy for me to move along and make this choice.

but when i orgasm to pornography last night, it just felt so numb. it felt like there was no joy or pleasure that i was giving myself --- because i was escaping myself and watching another scene take place on the computer screen. it's like i wasn't part of the action at all but just reaffirming my destiny with that violent voice that i'm going to be alone forever. that anger.

so maybe last night anger did get the best of me. maybe that voice tricked me into thinking i can trust what i thought i could have maybe pushed passed.

but that's the point. i do know what this is now though. i do know what this voice is. and that it doesn't need to bring me down. i can make the decision to love myself (healthy masturbation) or hurt myself (pornography & masturbation).

but that's the thing though! pornography is just so boring and so numb compared to the real masturbation i've been experiencing. it's like everything that i thought was so good before, such a great high, is actually really....really boring and even gross. it just doesn't even turn me on, even though i wanted it to. but the way that i was touching myself over these past few weeks without pornography, that is truly ecstatic.

so ya. it is quite amazing and things like that. it is quite amazing and things like that. so ya. just have to keep in check with who i am and what is healthy for me and will find myself moving along the right direction :)

well wasn't expecting to be posting here so soon again but it is necessary after last night --- this is just interesting because i feel like i should have seen this but i never saw this in hindsight.

just the notion that relearning my sexual self would not necessarily be easy. for example, last night i decided to masturbate to myself --- and it was going great --- until i made the decision to add pornography to it. i looked at pornography for maybe, fiveish minutes, before realizing that it was just not for me/boring, and then went back to masturbating solo/to myself.

the only thing i'm disappointed with was that when i orgasm, it wasn't very good at all :( but i know this was due to viewing pornography.

and it's like these tiny little reinforcements prove how pornography is for me. and i think this makes sense --- it's like masturbating solo to myself is a sense of INTIMACY --- it allows me to get close to myself in a way i thought was never possible before :) that's exactly what it is and that is why it is SO crucial for me to continue this :) so i can get closer to myself.

but at the same time, it's scary for me to do this, and that is WHY i think of pornography whenever i start masturbating to myself and trying to make myself feel good.


and i realized last night, the reason why i actually did not like it, was just to see how violent the performers with one another. how cruel and selfish they were against each other instead of something more --- caring?

i guess that is what i was looking for in pornography last night --- and i guess i realized in my mind that that they cannot give me that :) wow, that is why i don't feel bad from looking at it --- because i think i made progress with realizing that.


that they cannot give me a sense of caring and pure ecstasy/intimacy that i have been feeling whenever i masturbate solo.

and so that is why i stopped last night. because i realized its limitations.

but interestingly enough, even with all of this understanding, i STILL decided to look at pornography before coming back to myself and realizing that it wasn't for me.


and it makes perfect sense though now :) it's because of fear of making myself feel good. i've already learned a few times that pornography isn't good for me, and it's so peculiar that i would WANT to view it even though i know it doesn't even compare to making myself feel good.


it's so interesting. but this is part of the walls that i need to have in place though. this is part of the boundaries that i am REQUIRED to have in place, and it can only come from within though. it cannot come from writing this down on the internet or a sheet of paper above my bed. it has to come from within that love needs to be greater than hate.

and that's the reason why it's so difficult for me every time i masturbate --- it's because this sense of bringing myself together was actually used as a way to hate myself. to beat myself up and say i'm going to be alone forever. it wasn't my savior, as i thought it was, it was my black axe that pressed against my neck every time i did it.

interesting. but now i know ALL of this though. i know all of this. but what is holding me back though? what is holding me back though from really feeling this, and believing that i will not need pornography whenever i want to masturbate solo in the future? why do i feel like this right now though?

is it because of the hate that is still inside of me? and it's like i'm fighting this double edge sword --- it's like i'm fighting against something that is telling me i'm going to be alone forever and at the same time i'm fighting something that is trying to look out for myself and care for myself. it's so interesting.


so interesting.

so what do i do? i just think i need to understand. i need to understand and to feel how --- how --- terrified i am to be good to myself.

that even when i am being good to myself, it's because i'm trying to punish myself!!! wow. that makes perfect sense.

i'm trying to punish myself when i'm being good to myself. and that's what i have to realize --- how masturbation is good --- but pornography is definitely not for me at this time for me in my life. perhaps never who knows.

but it's interesting. even when i saw pornography last night --- i just realized it wasn't for me though --- i just realized the violence, the whole erotic visual fantasy, it just didn't make ME feel good. and yes i realized this after seeing it, but before i would have completely caved in and realized that this IS me --- that i DO need to punish myself for i'm going to be alone forever.

interesting how my perspective has changed after viewing something that used to bring so much pleasure. that i thought was my savior, and i'm starting to realize how it's actually not at all. how it's actually really bad for me and things like that. ya, i felt my heart racing a bit, but it's like...it wasn't taking care for me. it wasn't looking out for me. it was actually destroying me inside.

and when i've masturbated solo --- i have been looking out for myself. and that's the reason why i turned to pornography when i first started masturbation --- because i thought that punishing myself was the only way to make me feel good.


it was the only way to make me feel good right now. that is so weird. that is so weird and crazy. that is so weird and crazy. so weird and crazy. but what else though. what else though.


but i realize now that --- that it is truly being mean to myself.

and every time i start feeling that way whenever i masturbate --- to view pornography --- i have to realize that that feeling is my dark side. that's my dark side in trying to hurt ME. not trying to help me. and i guess it's just taking me a while to distinguish between these two sides that are a part of me. how there is something good inside of me as well as something bad inside of me. how weird. how interesting, right?

but what else though --- what else though. what else though. so ya. i just have to remember the violence --- considering i know the violence it represents --- and to not give into hate, but into love. love is so much harder.

love is so much harder and it's easier to hate myself. but maybe both take the same amount of work, and i've just chosen the latter. but you can change, as i am right now

so ya just wanted to write a little bit over this past week about relearning my sexual life and health again.


so what does this all mean? well i know masturbating solo is the most significant step forward for me. it truly feels like bliss :) for me to do this. it is so quite amazing indeed. it is so quite amazing indeed.


and i feel like sexual fantasies are not as bad even though i do recognize the reasons for when they are there


but there is something with pornography now. i'm actually extremely proud of myself for NOT choosing to do it --- yet i know that my mind wanders to WANT to view pornography such as when i was a bit drunk this past weekend or last night when i got home.

but instead i chose to do much more healthier values such as by spending time with others etc etc. but it's just so weird how since i've opened this door to relearn my sexual health --- the first door that opens up is pornography. and i have to realize the negative consequences that it will bring IF i choose to open this door a little more. how it really doesn't do me any good at all.

how it's violent. it's abusive. it's a representation of my hatred for myself. of my own anger how i'm going to be alone forever and things as such. that's what it truly represents for me, so it's not very fun. not very fun indeed. not very fun indeed. not very fun indeed.

not very fun indeed. but ya. what else though now? i just realize that to choose that is out of hate for myself.

and the reason why i think of that -- or strip clubs --- or my other sexual fantasies --- is because i used to hate myself deeply --- so of course it would make sense to do something that i used to hate myself.


but i'm not trying to do that anymore but instead trying to love myself. which is why masturbating solo is so important for me. yet anything else is extremely bad for me. any visual hatred to prove that i'm going to be alone forever is very bad for me. so ya. good talk indeed.

i literally feel disgusting right now. it is soooo gross indeed. so disgusting and gross indeed and i feel so nasty and yucky and disgusting it is soo vile and vomitting.



basically, i told my friend about this huge sexual fantasy that i used to have/still bothers/annoys me, and he basically told me the truth about what it is. the delusion behind what is the lie. what it ACTUALLY is though without this whole fantasy thing behind it.


and i just feel SO GROSS. it's like everything that i thought would be so nice and good to me is actually DISGUSTING!!! And it's like --- this fantasy that i thought would save me is NOT even real!!! it's just some phony, made up by some low self esteem disgusting people and it makes me want to vomit!

and i just feel very very gross indeed. very gross indeed for believing such a lie. and there's a part of me that actually makes me hate myself even more in a way for believing something so gross --- or maybe this is the side that is saying like --- how could my hatred bring me to liking something so unnatural and yucky??

it's like my hatred was leading me down towards a life so i could hate myself even more. so i can be more disconnected with myself and hate myself even more. it's like that's where my hatred was leading me and things as such. and it's so gross to know that's what i was thinking and feeling about myself.

like i'm just some gross and disgusting creature and there would be no place for me on earth. gosh, how disgusting is all of this!!!

so ya. i just feel very weird. but i guess i just have to understand that out of my hate side --- this makes perfect sense though for this was me believing that i was always supposed to be alone forever. and would hate myself and things as such. and to basically never be happy with myself



so ya. build yourself

Hi lostkid,



I'm going to be direct here: ignore this. The content of the fantasy means almost nothing other than for you to understand the emotional elements involved. What matters in terms of understanding and eliminating a ritual that feeds such self-hatred is understanding what role it played in your life...ie. made you feel powerful, in control, etc...whatever.

The reason I emphasize this is, the disgust you have with yourself in this post is quite evident, but it is misplaced and has the potential to knock you off track. You have come too far to beat yourself up about a ritual you used to have. If you are still having this ritual...you should know what to do by now. Or, you can review the relevant lessons.

My point here is, you did this out of ignorance and immaturity, not because you're some kind of disgusting person. You are no longer ignorant and your maturity has clearly been growing. So don't allow guilt or shame from the past to re-occur, because we all know where that leads...more struggles with rituals to manage those emotions. Deal with it, then move on. And there is no better way of dealing with it than figuring out the ritual/fantasy and putting it to bed forever.

how could my hatred bring me to liking something so unnatural and yucky??

Again, all it was: you felt strong negative emotions because of events and patterns in your life, and sought to balance those emotions out through ever-more intense rituals. That's it. Determine the role that this ritual played, so that you understand it (and therefore remove the emotional intensity around it). Then move on. Beating yourself up serves no purpose. Every time you start beating yourself up, stop...and use the exact same tools to get out of any other compulsive ritual. Because I think for many of us, the cycles of self-loathing can be just like a compulsive ritual.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

okay.


so as i am trying to move forward with my life, i am wondering how the affect of alcohol and pornography will steer it or affect it.

in other words, i got SO drunk last night :) and then i chose to masturbate to pornography.... ?

and i have no idea how that makes me feel which is why i want to write about it right now though.


so how do i feel about it? it's very interesting because i feel that getting drunk was fine, but about choosing to masturbate to pornography, i don't know yet. it's so interesting because i'm starting to understand, or seeing excellent reinforcements, how these artificial stimulations numb my feelings in a way.

for example, masturbating to pornography while intoxicated was NOT this incredible high that i used to feel when i was an addict. it was NOT this amazing high at all --- and it DOES NOT even compare to the high that i truly feel when i masturbate alone.

yet it was interesting, because i definitely did feel this sense of "rush" of excitement, right before i made the decision to masturbate.

but it's so weird. because this whole ritual is SO different than it was before. it was like the excitement would build before. you know i would watch a video, and i would feel so excited -- or like i would do it multiple times -- but after i made the decision to view it --- it's like ---- there wasn't really any rush at all. but it's not like i was expecting it or whatever. or disappointed, since i do not rely on it to manage my emotional stress as much anymore.


so in other words, i don't FEEL terrible at all right now, which is again extremely unusual. i will definitely monitor my sexual fantasy thoughts throughout the day and next day, as i always do, but try to see if there was any change in my perception of the world after one pornography orgasm.


but it's like --- this is one decision, out of so many that i've been making over the past few weeks and months. so how am i doing overall?

absolutely splendid. i am doing the things that i thought i could never do. i am moving forward in a way i thought was a dream.

i have a job, after 2 years of searching, in the industry that i've been wanting to work in! i've had a date recently as well and i may see this person again. i'm most definitely managing my life through meaningful means by continuing my writing, going to the gym, cleaning/organizing, cooking, opening up more with others, learning a bit more of politics etc.

i am without a doubt moving forward.

but in a way a part of me wishes i didn't watch what i saw. but at the same time, i feel like.

am i already past that again though? am i already past that stage where it doesn't even matter?

i think i'm questioning this still. and i think i need my feelings to guide me. and they're telling me it wasn't the biggest mistake in the world and that i'm NOT ready or whatever to do a bit of that ---- but it's just...


it's just so numbing though.


it's just so numbing to what i've been doing recently by myself and does not even compare. but that doesn't mean i'm running away from life, but trying to understand it, as i am doing right now though


but do i need to make a plan to avoid this though or to go around this? i mean i've already been extremely consistent with growing up right now.


and i think this is example to prove how having a fantastic time with my family with a little bit of alcohol and then experimenting ith my dark past doesn't prove that i am weak but how i am trying to....understand who i am and where i am in life.


but why don't i feel bad after masturbating to pornography when i was intoxicated last night? will i do it again? i mean, honestly, it's not like it's even on my mind.

i actually removed my porn blocker over the past two weeks because i need to bring my computer to work and i would rather not be able to use the internet/or certain websites because of my porn blocker popping up --- that would be most embarrassing at work!

but at the same time now though --- i feel like --- i don't feel bothered though.


i don't feel bothered for what i did.

i feel fine though right now though --- i feel fine right now though --- i feel fine right now though


so i will definitely keep this posted of how i feel throughout the next day or so.


but it's like --- do i plan on doing this again in the future?

i mean, pornography just doesn't give me the same FEELING that masturbating solo does.


masturbating solo, and focusing on myself, is an AMAZING high that i never experienced with pornography --- or if i did experience, it was driven out of hate.

but it's like --- it's so numbing with alcohol. and yes i'm glad i drank with my cousins last night since we hardly EVER get to see each other --- but it's like --- the pornography doesn't define me though.

it's like one decision out of so many hundreds of positive ones, that it doesn't even come close to outweighing me or bringing me down.

Now, that does not mean that i plan to do this on a consistent basis, because that would be bringing it back into my life. but i feel like, this can slowly fade from my life.

and it can be there. and i don't have to run from my fear.

it can be there.


and it won't have control over me. it won't have to be something that i will be afraid of or feel that i don't need to go to

so i understand why i did it though --- because that is always what i used to go when i was drunk.


Yes, finally, an HONEST response!

that's what i used to always go to when i was drunk, and i was so hammered last night, that's why it makes sense i went to it as well last night.

but i feel this is the part where i need to have control though, in order to change my life, but i have changed my life though! i have shown control though! what am i talking about then?

maybe this is part of my process of me realizing that yes it was part of my past, but i can let it go though.


i am recovering greatly. i am moving forward so amazingly. and it's like, having fun with cousins and then seeing pornography doesn't define me. it was my own experience.


then what does it mean? where do i want to be? honestly, i want to be at a stage where i won't have the need for it --- hmm. that would be nice. to not need to see it when i'm drunk.

or when i do have the need for it. to control it. did i have it control me? a little bit. yes. but does that mean i made a mistake last night? i don't know.


why did it have to be a mistake? why coudln't it just be a decision i decided to make? that's what it feels like...i made a decision to see it. and what else does it honestly mean than that?

does it mean i'm regressing or being maladaptive? lol, no. i understand my stress and fears associated with this weekend. i understand them.

maybe i'm trying to find a reason to beat myself up? i think so. gosh that would be good. why else would i be on this for so long?

but for the ohter times, i controlled myself from viewing pornography when i was drunk or home after a night out over the past few weekends. but i decided to not do that now.


but i don't feel bad though.

even though i know that there is hatred associated with viewing pornography --- but it was like it was driven out of an initial response to when i was always that hammered --- but i'm guessing.

i'm guessing i would like to see myself adjust this in the future when i am that drunk or just overwhelmed. to choose something else lol like bedtime instead of pornography

wow interesting --- i was lying in my bed last night, and then as i was lying there, ready for sleep, that's when my subconscious lost its defense, and thoughts of pornography sprung into my head

and i tried writing about my feelings --- but it's like i was so drunk i couldn't decipher them clearly at that moment. so i just went back to what i was used to always doing when intoxicated.

that's interesting.


that was like my immediate response --- but it didn't feel bad though --- i'm just trying to understand about this immediate response.

but it's like, there's a contradiction with this immediate response that my conscious drew from my subconscious out of many years of living in pain, and brought it to my current reality, which is widely different.

and it's like my conscious processes this information with slight confusion. because i am aware how pornography is fueled by running away, numbing the pain, and most importantly self-hatred. i understand these associations and accept the lifestyle i was living previously was driven by complex psychological issues like having a mild yet high functioning form of asperger syndrome and being talented with creativity. the combination with controlling parents who loved too much and gave me too little space to actually grow up created this self loathing environment where pornography was the most efficient means of feeling good about myself or filling up this empty void inside myself.

i'm aware of all of this, but after two years of consistent work, i've learned to fill this void up. yes, there is still plenty of work to do. plenty of work to do to truly fill up the blackness inside of me, but again, i highly doubt that will ever leave me. there is good and there is bad inside of me. thankfully i've filled the good inside of me, which took me so long to do with my life.

so i just think there is this interesting contradiction as my conscious is trying to process this pure evil that i've always used in the past ---and as i'm living my current state --- it's as if i feel more balanced.

i'm not saying i need to start hating myself and open myself up to evil. but what i am believing is that even if i do something dangerous, it won't kill me or ruin everything that i've worked towards. yes, it's important to understand the reasons for why i may feel a certain way, but it's not going to end everything.

and i know why i did it. it was my "go to" solution after so many years of living in pain. and i was able to access my subconscious as i became more relaxed and thoughts about falling asleep last night. and unfortunately there is this association with feeling really drunk and pornography.

so where do i move from here? first, awareness of how deeply embedded this process and ritual is, even though i may say how much i've changed, which is true. but there are still some unusual processes driven by hatred that are still wired into my brain. that come out when least expected -- when i am relaxed or beginning the cycle of the ritual via alcohol.


that makes sense for why it happened. because i was literally beginning the process of the ritual by getting super drunk.

now i didn't black out or anything i remember it clearly, but i was still SO drunk. like that perfect drunk state lol...


well i guess --- would it mean a lot to you to realize, perhaps you cannot drink as much as you wanted to like last night for future events? that you should just --- limit it to a few drinks, because you've proven to yourself you can control your decision makings after a few drinks.


that would be a good adjustment for the future so i can maintain myself in a controllable yet predictable fashion.

i don't want to step out of line and view pornography, even though i'm being honest with myself and say that it doesn't change anything.

because even though i've changed, there are still some unhealthy and embedded processes for managing my life still after doing it for so many years.

yes, i want to bring parties back into my life.

but why did i want to drhink so much last night? because it was a celebration! but does that mean celebrations will be associated with pornography then? i would rather not, especially if i get a girlfriend or have more dates in the future :)

there should be a limit. i still want to set limits and boundaries for myself. after feeling okay to brining alcohol into my life, i want to adjust it by realizing ishouldn't go off the wall like i was last night.

but have a few drinks to still maintain control. because if i lose control, i will be accessing unhealthy means of managing my life again. and i would rather not associate myself with any of that. but i'm just wondering why i drank so much though. are you sure it's not associated with the stress of this weekend?

of course it is - i'm not oging to lie myself. i am going through a lot. i just got a job, i'm home after not being able to visit for over 9 months, i met up with family and friends this weekend, it's A LOT.

so yes -- say it. you managed it through unhealhty means by getting super drunk/ a good drunk and then masturbating to pornography.

i'm guessing it doesn't feel bad though since i've learned to balance myself so much --- i've learned to gain control over my emotions. but that doesn't mean i want to use that as an excuse for hurting myself.

again these, are all little adjustments as they will continue to adjust for the future. but it would be ideal for me to not even want to access this dark and evil subconscious for the future. even though i don't feel a sense of hatred or failure like i used to, i feel there are ways for living a more meaningful life :)

Hi LK

Ages since I read your thread. I hope all is well. it sounds like there is some confusion surrounding this incident with masturbating to porn after the drunken night out. Oddly, i was looking through some of your old posts and saw this:


What is good here and in the old post is that you are interrogating yourself, that you are trying to distinguish your compulsive behaviours from your sexual behaviour. Depending on your own values, the occasional use of pornogrraphy may not be a problem. Masturbation may not be a problem. Be very clear here - I am not advocating. Maybe playing devil's advocate.

But - I do think you need to be clear on this quickly. You need to answer these question for yourself as well as ask them. I could read this drink ,then porn, then masturbabiton as a negative sign - a compulsive ritual.

Your own response suggests you got little from it. That you felt numbed.



I would say, Yes AND no. Don't just let your feelings guide you. Let your mind in - and your values and action plans. think closely. And also come up with some answers. The 'its just...' is ok ffor a while, but dont be vague. We tend to know what is going with us - dont delude yourself. At the same time, dont panic or give yourself a hard time. Be clear. Weigh this event and be honest with yourself.

It is not for me to say to you whether this is good or bad. But just be aware of the dangers - and in this cae the motivations behind your actions. We need to move past the compulssive rituals, to explore our sexuality opely5 and feely. But some of these expressions will be more dangerous than others - even if we are in full control our emotion.s

The same goes for the drinking. I think we can put too much pressure on things like drinking. but we need to be aware that after a few drinks, we may wwell make stupid - or stupider - decisions. The answer is not necessarily to quit alcohol - that may well reflect a compulsive's black and white thinking. But as with our sexual rituals, we need to monitor our motivations, be careful around booze and weigh its positive and negative effects. remember - quitting drinking might create more stress not less.

But pay attention to this:


So, is this a sign of a compulsive slip - or just an extension of a boozey mood? Are you able to act out from time to time, feel bad, and keep to your values. Or is this a problem moment for you to take stock?

this isnt any judgement, just a little head-up. I think you are aware of these issues, or you won't have posted.

Perhaps it is worth looking over your values and seeing how this particular night tallies, or not, with them. Where does this sort of 'one off' fit in? How do you respond?

Where you are in recovery, you can make these distinctions for yourself. Whether the 'acting out' was a slip or not. Whether you tried something or stepped over a boundary.

I tihnk you are doing well. It sounds like you are monitoring clearly. But make sure you can reach for this self-interrogating in the moment as well after the fact.

Take care LK

Shaw