Recovery Nation

Exercise 52

This exercise may be difficult for certain types of thinkers, so simply do your best.

1. Consider a situation in life (outside of addiction) where this 'isolation' of feelings/emotions has been known to occur and/or might prove beneficial. For instance, certain Eastern practices where people can isolate the physical pain they are experiencing from their spiritual selves and thus, manage that pain with ease. And no, you can't use that as your example! There are thousands of such potential applications--albeit not as dramatic. Share this in your thread.

What I am looking for is your skill in understanding the concepts involved with isolating emotions and what it will 'look like/feel like' in real life application. If you can't think of anything, say so in your thread and I will provide you with an example.

The best example I can think of for someone isolating their emotions is in the movie “Saving Private Ryan”. The lead character played by Tom Hanks has to isolate his emotions and his thoughts about the atrocities of war to mentally survive. He was a school teacher before he was drafted into the Army. Talk about a serious conflict of values vs. emotions.

Benmody I sent you a pm!!

Exercise 53

When it comes time to actually make the decision as to what action you are going to take next, it is not always easy to separate the healthy options from the destructive ones. The ones based on values versus the ones based on emotions. Often, these two areas overlap. This is where experience, time and a commitment to make what you believe to be the best choice at that time, comes in.

A. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbation to be against your values--and therefore, a destructive act. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbating to be within your values--and therefore, a healthy act.

Destructive Act
• Managing emotions through masturbation
• Feeling like I deserve it
• To help me fall asleep
• When engaged in sexual activities with girlfriend, using her for visual stimulation only

Healthy Act
• When engaged in sexual activities with girlfriend, but only when intimacy and emotions are part of the equation.
• When fantasizing about girlfriend, but only when she is viewed as a person and not just an object only there for my pleasure.

B. In your recovery thread, list other common value conflicts involving sexual and/or romantic behavior that you have found yourself engaged in? Or that you may find yourself engaged in, given your history.

While my girlfriend is asleep she sometimes puts her hand on my stomach and occasionally lower, I would sometimes push her hand or otherwise encourage her to place her hand on my genitals so that I would feel more wanted or attractive to her.

Telling her I love her just to hear her say it back. It makes me feel good that she still loves me.

While having sex with my girlfriend I would sometimes look at her for visual stimulation only, not really seeing her as the loving caring person that she really is.

I would sometimes ask my girlfriend to be on top during sex just to make me feel more wanted.

Hint: think romantic relationships, fantasizing, etc.

I also have a confession to make. While things have been going great for me lately, I did lose a battle with a significant urge yesterday. I was looking up something on the computer and I had the urge to view something. It was something that I had already deemed harmless, or maybe that was just my justification for looking; Anyway, I surfed for about 15-20 minutes before I caught myself and made the decision to step away from the computer. I caught myself when I began to masturbate. I felt so guilty and ashamed; I went and laid down to think about what I had done. To make matters worse, in all the compulsive behavior, I had completely forgot to cut the lumber needed for a project at my girlfriend’s house. I was supposed to show up over there around 5:30. I didn't realize it until I went to leave. Needless to say, I was late getting to her house. I did tell her about my struggle and what I did, but I think there will be a more in depth discussion of the matter tonight, which I am not looking forward to, but probably needs to happen for her sake.

Anyway, just felt I should document my mistake. I have already assigned myself some extra work to do tomorrow while I am at work. The homework has to do with Lessons 52 and 53. How fitting!!!

Exercise 54

In your recovery thread:
A. Select a VALUE-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some NEGATIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

I guess the hardest decision that I have had to make, one that is values based, is to come back to my house after I get off work to work on the lessons. I need the lessons. I need to keep working on my recovery. Unfortunately it comes at the expense of spending time with my girlfriend. So what I have come up with is this. I have to leave her house about an hour before I have to leave for work. I leave this early so that her kids don’t find out that I am staying there all night. We do this to protect the kids only. We don’t want them to start getting attached to me all over again, only to have our relationship not work out, and put the kids through another painful separation. Like I said, I get home an hour before I have to leave for work. I study on the lessons, write down on a scrap piece of paper things that I need to be thinking about while I am at work. While at work, I look at the homework and jot down anything that I will write down in my thread when I get home. Confused yet?

B. Select an EMOTION-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some POSITIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

One weekend that I had my kids, I was bound and determined to go to one of the local parks and go hiking on their trails through the woods. Of course when my ex-wife sent the kids to school on Friday she sent them in those fancy UGH boots. The kids don’t have any play shoes at my house and with me giving half of my salary to my ex in the form of child support I feel that she should be the one to buy the shoes. (Different story that I shouldn’t get started on) Anyway, I really wanted to go hiking, so off to the shoe store we went. After visiting only three stores to find the right shoes that were within my budget we were off to the park to go hiking. And just as my luck would have it, the trails were closed for repairs. All I really wanted to do was spend quality time with my kids, and I did, just shopping instead of hiking.

Lesson 57

Define the Situation

This is the preplan for when my girlfriend goes out of town for a week on business.

Evaluate all realistic options

1. Search for porn and cover it up with lies
2. Search for porn and be honest about it, pleading for forgiveness for another “slip”
3. Remain sober and free from the addition using family and friends for emotional needs
4. Remain sober using only will-power
5. Give modem to my girlfriend to reduce the risk of a “slip”
6. Give the modem to my girlfriend only as a comfort to her

Evaluate the potential consequences of the action(s) that I choose

1. Guilt, shame and a return to my old ways
2. Guilt, shame and not really moving forward in recovery,
3. Builds trust with girlfriend, pride in myself, one step closer to living without addiction
4. Managing life this way only adds to the stress that I am trying to overcome by acting out.
5. Makes her think I’m not strong enough to manage without her, uses her for a crutch
6. Builds trust and lets her know that I am concerned about her

Make a decision as to which value-based option you would choose

1. Not an option
2. Not an option because it would be preplanning a “slip” which makes it a relapse
3. This is how I will manage my life, this option will bring more trust to the relationship
4. Hopefully I have learned better than this. This way only adds to the stress of not acting out
5. This is using her to manage my recovery
6. I will offer her the modem, but make sure she knows that I don’t NEED her to hold it for me. I am only offering it to her to put her mind at ease, if only just a little.

I am continuing to work on more of these action plans but I just wanted to put something in my thread. This one particular action plan will be used next week while my girlfriend is away. I just want to make sure that things go well while she is away. I am very confident that I will do just fine managing the addiction. My main concern is her. She will be worried about what I am doing and what I am looking at so I am going to offer her the modem to my computer as a way to help alleviate some of her stress. She will just tell me there are other ways for me to access the stuff, but maybe the offer will mean something to her.

Exercise 58

Define the five rituals that you will most likely face in the next two years. For each, develop an action plan in five minutes or less...that focuses specifically on the immediate action you will take upon the awareness of the ritual; the anticipated emotions you will feel after you engage in that behavior; and the likely mind-games that you will play to get you to abandon your values-based decision making for emotion based decision making.
Post these in your thread.

Action Plan #1

Sitting alone at home and thoughts of previous movies watched and certain scenes play out in my head.

Possible Situation

While sitting there watching tv, thoughts begin to swirl about certain favorite movie scenes. I begin to fantasize about watching them, about surfing the net to find more favorite to view and masturbate to. As I sit there and try and justify my actions, or more correctly come up with the lies that I will tell to cover it up, stress starts to build about NOT looking.

Common Outcomes

The stress becomes too great and I give up. Saying what the hell, nobody will know, all I have to do is act naturally and nobody will know. I will log it down as a simple slip and go on with life like nothing happened. I will try and convince myself that I won’t do it again, that this is my NEW starting date. Or even worse justifying it by telling myself that I deserve to look.

Solution

The first thing I need to do is realize that I am not really stressing about anything going on in my life. At that moment, it’s not the kids fighting, work, or any other lame excuse for me to be stressed. The stress that I am feeling at that particular moment is from me NOT looking at the porn movies that I have been thinking about. To overcome this stress I need to find some other way to occupy my mind. Something else to obtain the sense of accomplishment that I get after viewing the porn. It wasn’t really the porn I was after, more or less, it is the hunt that I crave. The hunt for the perfect scene. Maybe that is what I need to do, get some word search games, Sudoku, or maybe even cross word puzzles. I feel that Santa will be bringing my kids an Xbox 360 this year, maybe I will get myself a game. I will also have to keep in mind that gaming can be addictive as well.



Action Plan #2

I have just had my feelings hurt by someone close to me

Possible Situation

While talking with my brother I realize that he has gone hunting without me. After all the work I have put into spending time with him, coming up with a place for me and him to go hunting, he goes with someone else.

Common Outcomes

I would usually dwell on this for a few hours after first hearing about it. Thinking things like, I have put a lot of effort into spending time with him, spent a great deal of money getting into this hobby that he enjoys so much, spent time away from my kids to be with him. Usually turning to the only thing that made me feel good about myself. I would turn to the internet. I would talk myself into it during one of my vulnerable states. Or just allow myself to view it, not putting up much fight.

Solution

Tell my brother that I am glad he finally got to go hunting. Ask him all about it, see if he picked up any pointer that me and him could use on one of our hunting trips. Ask lots of questions about their location, guns, and anything else I could think of. Maybe even ask if maybe next time see if they had room for one more. After leaving my brothers house, call my girlfriend and let her know that I am stressed and need to talk. At first she will be worried that it will be porn related, so give her a heads up that it is not, but just let her know that my feelings were hurt. Talk more in depth with her that night. She could probably come up with some reason why he didn’t invite me. She has a way of putting herself in someone else’s shoes.

Realize that I needed a new hobby anyway, the old one was killing me!!!

Or call Mom, she can make him take me next time!!! Ha ha

Exercise 60

Engaging in these five actions will ensure that you maintain the most efficient skills for preventing relapse. Develop a plan that is unique to you. Post this plan on your Recovery Thread.

Prior to an Expected Trigger

I will come up with an action plan prior to the event. Such as the ones completed in the previous lesson number 57. My girlfriend leaving town or the possibility of me coming into contact with the OW are really the only two expected triggers that I currently have in place. Both of those action plans have already been discussed with my girlfriend, making sure that my thoughts are in line with her expected reactions.

Prior to a Spontaneous Trigger

These need to be mapped out in the role playing. I currently role play very little, as it still seems a little awkward to me. It will get better with practice. Most of my role playing has to do, more or less, with preplanning my day. I will write out a list of things to do, and analyze it for potential trouble spots, then come up with ways to make sure I don’t get into trouble.

On the Experience of an Urge

At my work we have this thing called the 6 second rule for safety. More or less it states, that before any action is to be taken, count to six and think about what you are about to do, make sure it will have the intended results or desired outcome. I am going to start implementing this in my life with unexpected urge, or urge that caught me off guard.

On the Discovery of Being “Off-Track”

Start over with the weekly monitoring, update my values list as necessary, confess anything that I have been hiding, basically course correct.

On Schedule

I honestly feel that I will continue with the lists. The sort of honey-do lists for me. These keep me on track and provide me with direction. These also serve as a weekly check list. I can run through the things I have done as well as reflect I what I didn’t do. And these lists aren’t as simple as “take out the trash, sweep the kitchen, vacuum the carpet” etc. they reflect more the life lessons I need to be working on like, “have the kids help with supper Saturday night or sleep late with my girlfriend Tuesday so we can enjoy each other’s company”.

Well I’m back!!!

After months of complacency, I felt the need to come back. Actually, my girlfriend and I were about to begin the couples part when I slipped. I then proceeded to follow up that slip with a lie and cover-up.

I had been struggling for a few months, basically just white knuckling sobriety. I was looking forward to starting the couples workshop, thinking it would help with my struggles, but a living room/kitchen remodel got in the way. I kept telling myself that “as soon as we get the project done” I will feel better. I was actually just using the project to keep my mind occupied. I should have just been open and honest with her. I should have told her I was struggling, that I needed to get back into the lessons but I didn’t. That was my fault. I wasn’t man enough to tell her I needed help. Then one night while I was at work, I slipped. I looked at porn on my phone, going against my financial value because I don’t pay for a data plan, it’s pay as you go. Anyway, I didn’t tell her about my slip when I got off work. She even asked me that night, ”when was the last time you looked at anything?” I lied!! I said it had been a really long time, like back in November, Lies, lies, lies!!! I finally came clean but the damage had been done.

So after a few discussions with her, I have decided to put myself first. My addiction made me sort of resent the recovery work because it took me away from her. I felt like I always had to make a choice between seeing her, spending time with her, and working on the recovery thing. That and where I was at in the lessons didn’t match what I was feeling on the inside. Even at lesson 58, I still felt like I was white knuckling recovery. At the same time, I was making up excuses on why not to continue with the lessons.

I have already gone back and re-read most of my previous work. My vision (2nd one) still looks right. The values list might need a little updating so that is where I will begin tonight. Updating my values list and coming up with my action plans to start implementing them. I am going to start by making these plans very practical vs. being universal. I am hoping that helps me implement them into my day to day life.

I also want to add that I feel a little embarrassed, maybe even ashamed of the fact that I need to start over. I feel like a let down. I guess that is why lesson 1 is so important. These three things need to be a mantra I recite daily.

• I am actively committing to change by making a conscience daily effort to live my new life without my addiction. I will make positive daily choices.
• I will not allow guilt or shame to sabotage my recovery. I will see my mistakes as learning tools. I will use mistakes, both past and present, as ways to seek improvement.
• I realize that it took me 30 years to get me where I am today. Change won’t come overnight.

Here is my updated list of values and the action plans that intend on using to engrain them.

Recovery

• Put recovery first, above everything else
• Spend between 6-8 hours per week on active recovery
• Recovery is not measured by the amount of lessons that can be checked off as done
• Be willing to take recovery work to work or my GF’s house to work on.

Family

• Attend as many practices and kids games as possible
• Don’t let the fear of running into my ex-wife at those events deter me from going
• Be honest with my GF about my desire to attend those events
• Play at least one family game with my kids per week ( monopoly, mouse trap, checkers)
• Let my GF cry on my shoulder, even if it’s my fault she’s crying
• Help my kids with their homework
• Continue with those long talks with GF

Attention to detail

• Don’t rush projects just to get them done
• Make them the way you want the first time
• Be willing to redo things that are questionable
• Complete the projects so you can feel proud of them
• Ask for objective opinions
• Be willing to compromise with my GF and her perfectionism

Housekeeping

• Don’t leave clean clothes laying on the couch
• Make the kids put their own laundry away
• Don’t wash a load of clothes unless I am going to be there to put them in the dryer
• Vacuum the carpet at least once per month

Openness

• Be open with GF about what I need to feel good about myself
• If this includes going to rifle range/ kids games/ veg in front of TV. TELL HER
• Don’t build resents toward her without giving her a chance to right the situation
• If she asks how I am doing, the word “fine” is not an answer
• Start a daily journal, let her see it if she requests

More Food for thought!!!

This is to be my decision making process with everything that is questionable

• Would you be willing to do it in front of the kids or GF ( one or both)
• Would it embarrass you ,if someone found out
• How will this affect your vision
• Ask your GF for her opinion about it, she’s the logical one with good values engrained

How to deal with the Fantasy that follows a trigger

• Get out the list of values
• Remember those people your objectifying are someone’s daughter, wife, mother
• Sing along to the radio, put a CD in if necessary

3/21/2012
Lesson 10

I have reread this lesson and don’t really have anything to add to it. I still don’t have a porn collection or any items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. All I have is all the memories of all the porn I have viewed over the years. I refer to it as my “card catalog” just because it reminds me of the big filing cabinets that were in the public library directing you to whatever book you were looking for. I guess I’m telling my age, now aren’t I? I don’t reflect or fantasize about those memories; they are just there when I get triggered. An example would be, seeing a busty woman running. It reminds me of a particular scene, in a particular movie that I have seen before. Then the compulsive thoughts come about finding the scene again on the internet, finding the perfect camera angle, the perfect porn star and the list goes on and on and on.

The only thing I feel that I have been holding back on, when it comes to absolute honesty and openness, is one of my co-workers. Just the fact that I have a female on my shift would cause concern in my GF. The fact that the girl is 75 pounds overweight with a crew cut style haircut is irrelevant to my GF. The fact that I’m not attracted to her at all is irrelevant. The only relevant information, in her eyes, is that she is female and we work on the same shift together. I haven’t lied to my GF about this, but I also haven’t offered up the information either.

I did actually write out a list of all the wrongs that I have done, in my past and while with my current GF, and give them to her. It was actually kind of funny. We were taking a break from one another, trying to decide whether or not to stay together. I was building up the courage to just writing everything down on paper and give it to her. I felt she deserved to know the extent of the addiction. But before I could actually put pen to paper she called and asked for me to write it down. Anyway, I listed everything I could possibly think of in chronological order from childhood to present. Then at the end I had a section called random truths. It was a section of things that I couldn’t actually remember dates. i.e. I knew that me and the OW rode together in my 96’ model truck during the winter, there was snow on the ground, but I couldn’t remember which month it was. Needless to say it was a pretty long list, about 11 pages, mostly before we were together, but there were still several pages of stuff while we were together.

Well, I read lesson 11 the other night (3/22/2012) while I was over at my GF’s house. Reading the lessons over there was a way for me to spend time with her while I worked on me. Anyway, there wasn’t really anything that I felt I needed to jot down after the lesson. I have already learned how everything is intertwined in my life. I have been able to tell for some time now, that when I have a bad day, or I’m white knuckling it through the day, I feel like I rubber neck more while out in public.

Now Sunday night (3/25/2012) I am at home posting a few things that were saved on my hard drive. Kinda getting my thread caught back up and getting some more insight from Recovery Nation.

I read lesson 61 tonight and just had a few things I wanted to add about slips and slip prevention. While sitting on the couch watching a movie with my kids today I had a trigger. We were watching the movie “Sorcerer’s Apprentice”. Anyway there was a really pretty girl in it. I had a few thoughts run thru my head about looking her up on Google. Seeing what other movies she’s been in, any nude photos, stuff like that. Well I got in front of the computer and typed in IMDB. Figuring I would start my search there. I quickly realized what I was doing was wrong, that this is not the life I want to lead. About that time, both my kids got up and left the room, they went to play in my oldest girls bedroom. I looked at the computer and told myself that it doesn’t matter whether or not they are in the room. “That” is not who I want to be, and opened up the kid game website FRIV. I figured me playing the kids games would get my kids actively involved in what I was doing and boy was I right. “Watcha playin Dad, I’ve played that one before and Where’d you find that game” was what I heard. Music to my ears. We spent the next 15-20 minutes playing FRIV while each other watched.

Anyway, it was a successful outcome to a significant urge. I hope they will all be that easy in the future.

Glad to see you back!





Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Thanks Boundless

It's good to be back!!! I've known for a while that i needed to come back and start working again. I guess I talked myself out of it, thinking "it will get better" but it never did. So here I am.

Today I have been reading alot on the forum about the "proactive action plans" and trying to get some specific examples of how people brought them into their day to day lives.

My GF and I were talking about how to engrain living by the golden rule, in someone (me) who has never lived that way. Anyway, her suggestion was "Next time I'm at the drive-thru, before I order, tell myself that I will be courteous and polite no matter what." She said to "start with the fast food places, and slowly work towards waiters and waitresses in restaurants, next thing you know you will be courteous and polite in everything you do."

Anyway, I was just wanting suggestions on how others have practiced engraining their action plans. If I don't find what i"m looking for I might post a topic on the forum.

Ok, for some time now I have been struggling with idea's on how to engrain the vaues that I desire. Having done a pretty extensive search and not really find the epiphany moment I was looking for, I have decided to do this. I have printed off this list of values/action plans, I am going to carry them with me everywhere I go. I where shirts with pockets anyway, might as well put it to good use. I know this sounds corny, but I don't care. I will try this for a few weeks and see how it work. If this doesn't work, I'll try something else. Either way I will be pursuing ACTIVE recovery and not just waiting for it to happen to me.

Recovery
• Put recovery first, above everything else
• Spend between 6-8 hours per week on active recovery
• Recovery is not measured by the amount of lessons that can be checked off as done
• Be willing to take recovery work to work or my GF’s house to work on.

Living the Golden Rule
• Treat people the way I want to be treated
• Preplan situations to be polite (not flirty) i.e. drive-thru, restaurants, cashiers
• Be open and honest without being hurtful
• Put other people’s feelings before mine
• Put myself in other peoples shoes from time to time

Housekeeping
• Don’t leave clean clothes laying on the couch
• Make the kids put their own laundry away
• Don’t wash a load of clothes unless I am going to be there to put them in the dryer
• Vacuum the carpet at least once per month
• Keep the sink cleaned out

Openness
• Be open with GF about what I need to feel good about myself
• If this includes going to rifle range/ kids games/ veg in front of TV. TELL HER
• Don’t build resents toward her without giving her a chance to right the situation
• If she asks how I am doing, the word “fine” is not an answer

Family
• Attend as many practices and kids games as possible
• Don’t let the fear of running into my ex-wife at those events deter me from going
• Be honest with my GF about my desire to attend those events
• Play at least one family game with my kids per week ( monopoly, mouse trap, checkers)
• Let my GF cry on my shoulder, even if it’s my fault she’s crying
• Help my kids with their homework
• Continue with those long talks with my GF

Physical Health
• Make better choices, healthier choices when getting fast food
• Use the Elliptical machine at least 3 times per week
• Continue to take naps after working off last midnight shift, ( there are no healthy reasons for staying up)