Recovery Nation

I guess today started out innocent enough, having just got home from work. I started by listening to some songs on youtube.com, and then drifted off to looking at Sanskrit symbols, which in turn led to Sanskrit symbols as tattoos. Pictures of tattoos are really not where I should be looking at this point in my life. Some of them are very sexy and provocative. Anyway, I felt I had lingered way too long. I could feel my heart rate increasing and my wanting and longing to see more. I was getting anxious at the very thought of looking at pictures and video’s on the internet. What I wanted to look at, what was gonna be my starting point in my search. My breathing had increased, I guess to compensate for the added pulse rate. I finally got up, sit down on the couch and took a breather, just a moment to gather my thoughts. I remembered the exercise suggested by FowardThinker. I got up from the computer, sat down on the couch right next to the computer and just sit there. Thoughts were still swirling in my head. My heart rate and breathing were both still elevated. My mind was running through all the justifications for looking, nobody would know, I am single anyway, I have made it about 5 days since my last slip, that has been long enough to call it progress. Anyway, just a whole list of reasons why I should look, but I just sat there. I felt like I was suffering some kind of panic attack. After about 4-5 minutes I began to think that I am in control of this, I am the one who is going to decide what to do, I am the one who is not going to look. A sense of pride came over me, that I had somehow won the battle. My breathing started to slow, the anxious feeling started to subside, I could feel my pulse start to slow. The anxiety attack from not looking was slowly going away. Once again I felt good about not looking. I began to wonder how I got myself in this situation in the first place. Was the thought of listening to a song on youtube my starting point for the justification process? Was it is because I am tired; I did just get home from working midnights?

That’s enough for this morning, I will work on some lesson work when I wake up this afternoon. I am also planning on maybe exercising when I get up. It might make me feel better; it also might be the start of a new value and action plan. I have felt overweight for some time now. I bought an elliptical machine after Christmas last year thinking I would use it. I didn’t lose any weight within the first week, so I pretty much stopped using it. Immediate Justification, I know. Anyway, I would like to start using it again and see if I can at least work towards a goal.

Just some thoughts written out in no partticular order!!

My father is coming in town this weekend. I can't figure out why he can't postpone his trip until next week. It is very very upsetting to me that he is knowingly coming in when nobody will be here. I am the only one who will be in town. My brother and his wife and kids are in Orlando, FL while my ex-wife has my two kids in Florida as well. They will both be gone all next week during fall break. And now my ex-gf is upset at me because I am unwilling to stand up to my father and tell him how I feel, like it really matters to him. Stress Level : Extreme

My ex-gf and I talked at her house for several hours tuesday night. The conversation was great. We discussed watching a movie together on Saturday night. I was starting to have these wonderful feelings again, that everything would be ok, that I haven't lost her completely yet, maybe there is a chance. Then we talked on the phone Thursday night and all hope was fading again. The conversation ended with discussions of the other woman and my inability to stand up to her too. Seems that anybody that I have any sort of relationship with, I cannot tell them how I feel about something. I am doing these lessons on boundaries and I can't seem to enforce my own boundaries. Case in point the other woman. I could care less if she fell off the face of the earth, but I cannot bring myself to tell her to quit texting me. She only does it once every several months, but even that is too much. Even if me and my ex-gf don't work out in the end, I still don't want to date the other woman. The reason I have come up with is this; I feel that by telling her not to call or text me anymore, it will hurt her feelings. It hurts my feelings to knowingly hurt somebodies feelings. It makes me feel bad to not give somebody what they want. I am unwilling to enforce my own boundary. My ex-gf thinks I just don't want to burn that bridge, which is not the case. I am really just hoping that the situation goes away when I transfer to another plant, should be soon I hope. That way I won't see her and won't have any more contact with her. Stress level: Extreme

After the discussion about the other woman my ex-gf want to meet again tonight and discuss it some more. She is also backing out on the whole movie watching night.

I haven't been doing very well this week, in my lesson work or my overall recovery for that matter. I have had a bit of a relapse today. I feel my stress level getting higher and higher with no end in sight.

Even Lesson 41 is depressing. I have to ask someone to openly discuss their boundary system. Really the only person I am close to is my ex-gf. I don't have anyone else. Here's a short list of everybody in my life list by initials or title only. This is everybody I would talk to during the month, excluding co-workers because I have no personal relationship with any of them.

HR: ex-gf
SR: porn addicted cousin
LG: porn addicted friend
GK: porn and sex addicted friend, haven't talked to him in years though
Mom: Part of the problem because of childhood issues
Dad: Self centerd asshole, also lives in CO
AL: other woman and co-worker
Brother: Because of his own failing marriage, seems to have shut off all emotions toward everybody
DH: co-worker I talk to the most but can't trust with anything personal, she's a blabber mouth

Again this is everybody.

Exercise 42

I. If there are any questions that you have about anything related to compulsive chains, rituals, elements and/or measuring emotions...ask them in the community forum and/or our next coaching session. It is essential that you have a working knowledge of these concepts--as they are fundamental to a health-based recovery.

I do have a very good understanding of my compulsive rituals. Unfortunately, I haven’t been doing very well at controlling my compulsive urges. I have been taking the time after to evaluate the slips. I have been asking myself basically, why did I get to the point of no return, why didn’t I create a break, and what was I trying to gain or accomplish with the acting out. I am getting better at identifying the beginning of the ritual and have started trying to take the breaks necessary.

The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. From the heart to heart talks with my ex-gf, to the realization that my father is a complete asshole. Funny, my ex-gf said we shared a lot of the same traits. We are both self centered and don’t take into account other people’s feelings.

As an example of my growing awareness, today while I was working on my trailer project, I could feel myself getting frustrated. I knew that my emotions were running high. I knew that the task at hand, which is supposed to reduce stress, was actually creating it. I decided to create a break from the project and go inside the house. As soon as I went inside I felt my mind beginning to wonder. Nothing really stood out as far as what I was looking for; i.e. I wasn’t craving the internet or porn or anything specific. I could just feel “out of balance”. I also felt that if I stayed at the house I would return to the only way I know how to manage my emotions. I felt vulnerable to compulsive thinking. So I left the house, headed to Home Depot for an inner tube for my mom’s two wheel dolly. It felt good to make the distinction and gather my thoughts of where I want to be and how I want to lead my life.

I also printed off my top 7 values and put them in my wallet for reference.

Exercise 43

I feel pretty good about my knowledge of the mechanical role of compulsive behavior and how they manage my emotions. I have been getting much better at identifying the very beginning of the rituals. I still occasionally have trouble creating a break before the compulsive thoughts and behaviors get too advanced to stop, but this is getting better as well.

A few sentences that I didn’t understand in this lesson are “i.e. you have completed the decision-making and action plan lessons” and “Throughout the early part of the workshop, you were asked to 'create a break' by taking out your values list and reading through it every time experienced a significant compulsive urge”. I don’t remember reading anything about the decision-making plans and I don’t remember the part about the break. I have gone back through a lot the lessons and can’t find it anywhere. Not to say it isn’t there, just I don’t remember reading it. I remember reading about the break in the forum. I also don’t know what a decision making plan is. I got the action plans down, just not the decision making plan.

Hi maninthemaze,



I think these were from earlier versions of the workshop when the workshop was in a different order, so I think it's just an editing inconsistency. There's a couple of them in the workshop. For you, the decision-making and reactive action plans are coming up next (lessons ~54-59) so you'll get there. For the break, I think that was originally part of lesson 7, but got taken out at some point though the reference was left in. What the point of this is, is to print off a list of your values, and carry them around with you in your pocket. Whenever you have an urge or find yourself entering into a compulsive ritual, you take your list of values out and read them over. This serves 2 purposes: a) most importantly, it "creates a break" in the beginning of your ritual, and allows you to think rationally about what you're about to do and engage in a decision-making process and b) it reminds you of your values and what you are working for. Eventually, you will want to get to a point where you can create this break for yourself without having to carry a list of values around with you. But earlier in recovery, it can be a very useful tool to help you make a healthy decision.

FT

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha

Thanks FT, I thought I was still missing something or at least not reading the lessons thoroughly enough.

Exercise 44

A. Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life.

I am slowly starting to believe that there is some good still left inside me. There is something worth saving. To date, I am starting to feel good about my recovery. I am starting to change the things in my life that I derive meaning from. I am slowly starting to see into my core identity. I am starting to see the good things about myself. Taking the time to recognize the positive things that I have going for me. All I really need to do now is to build on the value that my core identity filters my life through.

B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.

Value based experiences will slowly change my life filter. I will start to filter my life and all my experiences through values based decisions instead of the immediate gratification decision I have used in the past. Once I start to make values based decisions and start to enforce my own boundaries, I will feel better about those decisions, and kinda start a downhill snow ball of good healthy living. i.e. good decisions, feel better about myself, better decisions.

C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?

I think that it is my core identity that has both blessed and cursed me with a guilty conscience. In the beginning my guilt just made me feel horrible about myself. It wasn’t until I was able to separate who I was from who I am going to be, that my guilt subsided. I think that even now, I start to feel guilty about things before I do them. Like rubbernecking, if I catch myself looking too long at someone, I kinda berate myself a little. “what did you do that for”, “just go get the groceries” etc…

Exercise 45

1. Identifying the impact of emotions in compulsive urges is essential to objectifying that urge. In previous exercises, you have identified compulsive rituals that presented a linear look at your emotional state across a single action. In this lesson, you are being asked to isolate those emotional elements to the point where action can be taken that will break the chain itself.

A.Map a compulsive ritual that is based on your unique behavior. Ensure that you identify at least five elements that are involved in stimulating your emotions during this act.

Element #1 Feelings of stress or otherwise triggered by something
Element #2 Try and justify the use of the computer, check bank accounts etc…
Element #3 Start looking at the computer, bank accounts etc. at first (control)
Element #4 Thoughts of nobody will know, I’m the only one here (control, entitled)
Element #5 Feel like I deserve to look after the stressful day I’ve had (entitled)
Element #6 Make the decision to look, at soft-core stuff to begin with (excitement, guilt keeps me on the soft stuff, for a while)
Element #7 Gradually get to the harder stuff because, hell I’m already guilty (entitled)
Element #8 Find a suitable movie to masturbate too (accomplishment)
Element #9 Reach orgasm (accomplishment, relief)
Element #10 Begin clean-up process, computer as well (guilt, guilt, guilt)

C. At what point in the chain is the 'point of no return'? The point where you know that you will be completing the act. Share this in your recovery thread. In the previous exercise, you were to reinforce your ability to identify separate emotional elements in a single compulsive ritual. Here, you will begin to isolate those emotions from your core identity.

I think that somewhere around elements #3,4,5 is my point of no return. It is here that I will somehow justify the computer use and then feel entitled to look at porn. I feel that there is no turning back once I start thinking of my cover-ups that are sure to follow.

Recognizing my vulnerability in Element #1 of this cycle, and being able to create the break is how I stopped my last urge. Also, stopping the justification process in step #2 would be a huge hurdle in heading off the compulsive behavior.

Exercise 46

Element #1 Feelings of stress or otherwise triggered by something
Element #2 Try and justify the using the computer, check bank accounts etc…
Element #3 Start looking at the computer, bank accounts etc. at first (control)
Element #4 Get up and leave the computer immediately after looking at what I needed to
Element #5 Feel good about myself for having accomplished so much in my life already
Element #6 Take time to reminisce about Values that I live by, financially stable, loving father

Exercise 47

1. Just as you have with your values and your emotions, it is time to transfer the knowledge that you are developing to a practical application in your day-to-day life. This cannot be done without first developing an awareness of the times when such information is applicable. Over the next 48 hours, envision at least ten different REALISTIC scenarios where you may encounter a compulsive urge in the future and document these in your recovery thread.

Almost every one of my compulsive rituals starts off by seeing someone either on TV or in real life that reminds me of pornographic images or scenes from movies. These thoughts remain on my mind, but more or less on the back burner. They lay there and wait until I am vulnerable to rear their ugly head. When I am tired, frustrated, feeling depressed or even bored, I am more susceptible to the compulsive rituals. This realization of vulnerability has been my greatest break-thru in urge control. I am also slowly realizing that even if I am at the point of no return, there is still an option to stop what I am doing and take control of the situation.

Lesson 48

I have made it a point to sit down at least once or twice per day and do the "what if" scenario’s. Most of the time I think about this stuff while I am sitting there at work. Where I work it is sometimes very boring and doing this accomplishes two things, it's helps me and helps to pass the time.

I have also become more aware of weak moments. As an example. The other day while I was working on my trailer I became very frustrated. Nothing was going right. I just decided to take a breather from it and go inside. Not a good move. I felt that in my current state I needed to distance myself from the computer, so I got in the truck and headed to Lowe's. On the way there I began to, what I call, count my blessings. I was just thinking about all the positive things I have going in my life. This helped to settle my nerves and effectively calmed me down to the point I felt it was safe to return home.

Anyway, I guess the last few weeks have been very good for me. Unfortunately this as lead to some complacency on my part. That is why I am back here today, moving forward with the lessons, moving forward with life, life without the addiction.

Hi maninthemaze,

Sounds like things are going better for you. That's great. And good recognition of complacency...that's a positive sign too. When you can recognize when complacency is coming on and right yourself accordingly.

Remember: this is YOUR recovery and your life. If you have to take a break, take a break. At the point you're at, it's up to you to take charge of your ongoing recovery: continuing to refine your values and boundaries (and add/remove values), continuing to gain more experience in recognizing and handling your emotions, continuing to get more experience being vulnerable and using your values to make decisions...etc. And when you realize that you need more experience in something, that's when you should come back to the lessons (like now). That's when you know you'll really value them.

And every time you notice complacency (like now), don't panic...just come back to your monitoring and refocus.

Glad to hear things are going better

FT

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha

Exercise 50

Once you have applied effective urge control--once you have identified the emotional elements of a compulsive urge, isolated the element that exists just prior to the 'point of no return' and put yourself in a position to make a rational decision in what was once a compulsive moment--the next step is to make the decision and accept the consequences for whatever decision you make.

A. When facing a compulsive urge, what do you anticipate the consequences of using a healthy, values-based decision to manage that urge to be? (think positive and negative consequences)

Using a values based decisions to manage urges will be like taking my life back. Taking it back from the days when everything was based solely only immediate gratification and thinking only about the ways that decisions will affect me instead of putting other peoples feelings before my own. The only negative consequence that I can think of from making a values based decision is that some people don’t share the same values that I have. Some people might not like my decisions, and that is ok with me. I will know who I am and know what I stand for.

B. Now consider having made the decision to continue on with the compulsive ritual, what consequences do you anticipate? (again, think positive and negative)

Continuing on with the compulsive ritual might make me temporarily feel good, but guilt and shame will again take its toll on me. This would lead back to the double life that I had before.

C. For each decision (values-based; emotion-based), what long-term effects will these consequences have on your developing identity and values?

Every decision has an end result. Continuing to make emotions based decisions will lead to a solitary life, without friends, without feeling true intimacy with another human. Values based decisions will lead to, hopefully, a life I can be proud of.

D. Document your thoughts in your recovery manager.

Exercise 51

To make a healthy decision--to master the skill of making healthy decisions--you must gain confidence in quickly and accurately identifying what options are available in any given situation, recognize the consequences of those actions, and ultimately, trusting yourself to choose the option best suited to promoting your values.

Share the following in your thread:

A. Consider one of your specific compulsive rituals. Or, if you feel comfortable, consider an entire compulsive chain. Identify the point in that ritual/chain when you should begin considering the options that you have available. What are these options? (Consider reasonable options only)

1. See something either in real life that creates the initial urge
2. Justify reasons to look at computer, i.e. to check bank accounts, catalogs etc…
3. Start looking at internet
4. Gradually talk myself into looking at something “soft” online
5. Eventually graduate to more “hardcore” pornography
6. Start masturbating
7. Achieve orgasm
8. Feeling guilty and pitiful about what I have done
9. Delete all traces of the act, i.e. cookies, history, files download etc…

I feel the point where other options are available to me in between steps 3 and 4.

List of available options.

1. Don’t look at internet at all.
2. Look at the internet for only bank accounts, e-mail, catalogs etc…
3. Look at “soft-porn” and masturbate to that.
4. Look at the “hardcore porn” and masturbate to that.
5. Call girlfriend and tell her about my recent struggle with the computer.
6. Leave the house and start “counting my blessing, reviewing values and boundaries”

B. Of the options listed above, which would be automatically filtered out because of your boundaries? What would you do in the case of a value conflict? (i.e. when the same option would create both positive and negative influences on your value system)

1. Don’t look at internet at all. Definitely an option, sense of pride for having stopped the urge, recognized the urge in the early stages of development.
2. Look at the internet for only bank accounts, e-mail, catalogs etc… Definitely an option, pride again for having the ability manage urge.
3. Look at “soft-porn” and masturbate to that. No longer an option, violates boundaries, it would be something that I would not be comfortable telling my girlfriend about.
4. Look at the “hardcore porn” and masturbate to that. No longer an option, violates boundaries, it would be something that I would not be comfortable telling my girlfriend about.
5. Call girlfriend and tell her about my recent struggle with the computer. Definitely an option, sense of pride along with a sense of shame for having to tell her about the struggle.
6. Leave the house and start “counting my blessing, reviewing values and boundaries”. Definitely an option and the one I use most of the time. Still tell girlfriend about the urge in an effort to strengthen my honesty and help rebuild her trust in me.

C. Of the remaining options, what would be the anticipated consequences of the following:

i. You make the decision to act on this option:
ii. You make the decision NOT to act on this option:
iii. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision becomes known by others:
iv. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision remains secret:

Consequences for Option #1: I would feel a sense of pride for having recognized the urge early in its stages. I would be aware that not looking at the internet would also create some anxiety and additional stress in my life that I will have to find a healthy way to manage. Calling my girlfriend and discussing the days events would help with those stresses as well as calling my brother or mother for that matter. I also have a few hobbies that are going in my life to draw upon for stress relief, healthy hobbies that is. 

Consequences for Option #2: It would be chancy looking at the computer in that state of vulnerability, but it is still possible. I would have to set up some more specific guidelines for that computer session. I would still tell my girlfriend about the event but realize I might have to prove that I only went to approved websites. I would also have to answer the question to myself and to her, “was it worth it?” What was so important that it could not wait until the next day, or at least until I wasn’t in such a vulnerable state of mind.

Consequences for Option #5: I would have a sense of pride for having managed the urge. Feelings of shame and guilt for even having those thoughts and urges go through my head. It embarrasses me to have to tell my girlfriend about urges and struggles. She says she needs to know about them, so I tell her. Luckily for me she is very supportive and understanding. And telling her about my struggles relives the stress that was created by not looking at porn.

Consequences for Option #6: This is by far my most used option. There have been numerous times here lately where I was able to recognize my vulnerabilities before the initial urge actually takes place. Through my own self awareness I can spot my weak moments before an urge hits. Because if I am at a weak moment in life, i.e. stresses, depressed, bored, lonely, etc, urges have a totally different effect on me. Learning how to manage those stresses is how I have made it nearly 6 weeks of what I would call sobriety. And I know sobriety isn’t the measure we shoot for and I am not counting days on a calendar, this is just an observation on my part.

Hi maninthemaze,
It's encouraging to see someone like you sharing the matter I'm struggling on, and working to recover.
I just joined last week here, so may I ask you how do you feel about it so far? how long does it take till now? your first post was in April, but where do you see your self now?
I'm not having second thoughts about my recovery, I'm just asking to evaluate the challenge for recovery. because when I started here I was committed and I stayed sober for three days, which is an accomplishment. But after the euphoria was gone, I slipped again. I know i'm not gonna be sober forever overnight.. but I'm not feeling good about this slip after my commitment.

We Will Beat it whatsoever!

Good Luck,

_________________
Making a big life change is pretty scary. But, know what's even scarier? Regret.
"It's not failure itself that holds you back; it's the fear of failure that paralyzes you." Brian Tracy