Recovery Nation

Sharing fully (From one of Coach Jon’s comments: I am responsible for sharing myself in a way that people know what is in my heart and mind.):

at work - listen fully to others, allow myself time to review information, to come to an honest opinion, share the opinion as appropriate (each day)
at work - keep people informed each week on the direction I am taking, consult with others and share my progress weekly or at appropriate times (once a week or more often, depending on situation)
at work - involve self in one non-work related conversation with rotating coworker, once a day, share my interests, show curiosity in their lives and experiences
at home - call my parents once a week, let the conversation hit the awkward part after small talk has ended, continue talking to include more relevant conversation: strive for a half hour conversation


Leadership:
at work - once a day, weigh my thoughts on a situation, consult with others as needed, form a decision and own that decision
- I work best focusing on one task at a time, but for short periods of time, so I work best on several things over the course of a day - admit it and embrace it. Break tasks into smaller chunks to keep momentum (ie. 20-30 minutes if I am stuck), jot down ideas for other pieces as they come.
at home - be proactive about my situation at home, once per day about little things, even (ie. I am almost out of milk, if I don’t have milk for cereal tomorrow I will skip breakfast, therefore buy milk tonight.)

Last week I concentrated on a couple values with tangible commitments.

It seemed the easiest was physical fitness. I could easily track the healthy decisions I made and just have to show up to the gym to be coached through each session. As long as I can commit to showing up, the structure of the session ensures I'll get some quality motivation and exercise.

During the week I hit 80% of my fitness goals and did not worry if I wasn't having the perfect 100% week. My decisions for not reaching some of the goals were based on various situations throughout the week. (ie. I missed one of my three workouts and made up for it with a lighter version of it at home. I didn't eat as healthily one day because we had a work meeting with less healthy food, but I limited the amount of unhealthy food.)

I noticed a couple things from that week. First, I feel great eating well and working out. I feel energized and focused and more confident and like I'm hitting minor achievements each day.

Getting a foundation for one of my values under me feels good, but there were still two days this week when I had mini binges... not around fitness goals and eating, but I masturbated for a short while earlier in the week , and for quite a while yesterday. I also was very detached and isolated Saturday. Today I'm more engaged by far. It feels like I needed that day off, I didn't want to deal with the world, and did not want to hear myself try to convince myself to get out of the spiral. I wasn't going to listen to any debate from myself. I was going to wallow in filth and that was it. I needed that funk to get motivation back to pick things up again today.

Working towards one main value was quite valuable. On days I wasn't working out though, I definitely felt a vast emptiness, and I was determined not to do more than 3 workouts this week to compensate. Once all my values are engaged, I picture working out 3 times a week and didn't want to mess with my fitness boundaries in the first week.

To bring more values in this week, I made a check list of things I'd like to accomplish this week. It's quite specific and I'll do this again next week to build on the next steps of the things I achieve this week.

The basic list is something like:


Crossfit 3x a week (physical health)
1 long walk
get groceries, prep a healthy meal Sunday night for lunches
bring healthy snacks to work
car is filthy - wash car in and out, vaccuum (proactive)
dishes, laundry, clean bathroom
call Dave (connect)
call my parents (family)
get birthday present for Mom
coffee once with my brother (better relationship with him)
arrange something meaningful with brother
show leadership in the two big work meetings this week (leadership)
go to fundraising event (work commitment)
send test print to B (photography/creativity)
based on that send quote to 2 people
how to start 100 strangers project
photograph one stranger
Visit M at his cabin (relax, connect)
prep for cabin visit (proactive)

These really struck me from Jon's post:

You are who you share yourself to be.

Establish a boundary of being absolutely honest with yourself.
Establish a boundary of sharing your true self with the world around you.

Living your life in a manner where you do not need and do not want to use deception to help manage your life.

Meaning, when you face a decision...you filter the decision-making process through whether or not you would need to use deception as a part of that process. If you would, then it goes against your values and you must find a better option. If you wouldn't, then you hold your head up high and take responsibility for however that decision turns out. It was based on your existing values and you can have no sounder base with which to act.

That you approach others with vulnerability and a respect for their desire to truly communicate with you.

It is to accept responsibility for managing all actions that you take in your life. And accepting all consequences of those actions.

it is not enough that you project yourself as honest when you are approached. You need to be emotionally engaged. When you have feelings, you need to learn to share those feelings. When you have thoughts or experiences that are relevant to your life…that you share those thoughts and experiences.



I am mostly lying to myself. About the relationships I fantasize I could have with the women I am passively pursuing for sex. About not engaging my ability to be in actual relationships, until I have chased these women. About not committing any actual potential relationship with any of them. About keeping my fantasies of them alive, of fooling myself into believing I could act on these fantasies without considering that these women, except for living far from me, without considering that each of these women have kept on living since I first had sexual potential with them - they are in different situations in their life - some are in committed relationships, some would no longer be interested in me. I am lying to others through my absence and by not being forthcoming with myself.

2, 3: I am not involved in a partnership or counseling.



List of items:
Laptop with porn sites bookmarked.
Cockring, for use in actual sex, with concerns about ED, have used for mb a couple times.
Several books on erotic massage, etc. Have not looked at books in years, still want to keep some of the books.
Laptop at work for browsing more innocent sites like flickr, facebook sometimes.
Cell phone - have used to look at porn a few times.
Porn images in a folder on my laptop
Provocative images in a folder on my laptop, under the guise that I can use them as a guide for photographic modeling.
Images of my ex-wife, ex-gf, and women I know that I have had near or actual sexual encounters with, a few I am friends with who I have not come to near sex with. Photos are sort of a reminder and a cue for fantasy about them.
Small massager, used once for mb.



C: exwife, fantasize about things we did, sexual opportunities I could have had, and new things I would try with her
H: memories of se we had, fantasize about them and other things she wanted to do and now new things I’d like to try with her.
D: memories of sex we had, fantasies of conversations we’ve had and the sex that could lead to, fantasies of things we could explore together
Sh: fantasize about missed opportunities based on chats we had
Sh: fantasize about
Sha: memories of sex we’ve had, missed opportunities, things I’d like to try together
random women: fantasize about them
M: occasional fantasies, usually not fully sexual



Bedroom, shower: mb
Work: viewing provocative images,
Old, old work place, unsupervised: viewed porn, mb
Internet: search and mb to porn

“Obsessions are one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome in recovery and one of the hardest to identify PRIOR to their development. They are the purest form of the "all or nothing principle", as they allow the obsessed person to focus on a single element in its extreme, and tend to process everything associated with the particular element as black and white.

Obsessions, in a sexual/romantic context, involve the compulsive need to think about certain people, situations and/or behavior. Even if they want to stop (or slow down) these thoughts, they are unable to. Obsessions distract the individual from focusing on a balanced life, and so as the obsession grows, the life becomes more and more out of balance. Relationships are destroyed, other values are lost. The person's reality becomes consumed by one or two major events in their life.”

Fantasy:
I set aside times for fantasy, as one would for grocery shopping, excluding myself from events if an opportunity of alone time masturbation occurs.
I consciously use triggers to promote fantasy.

Obession:
Infatuation with people I am close enough to have sex with, have had sex with, or could get close enough to have sex with.
Inability to let go of former romantic partners, keeping and rereading old sexual emails or emails with some romantic interpretation, keeping sexually charged photos of them.
I know we have a connection and wish we could have tried sexual things we didn’t at the time, wanting to show off or share new abilities or activities.
Do not wish to be influenced or hedged in by actual relationship.

Romantic delusions:
Some information gathering, mostly through Facebook, keeping old emails, looking at partners’ old web sites or Googling sites with new information about them. Periodically using their password to log into email account to see what is happening in her life, seeing if she is dating, if she is interested in anyone, if my name is mentioned.
Fear of rejection, but leads to avoidance, not hyper-emotionality.

Masturbation: yes

Promiscuity:
A longing to be confident enough to be more promiscuous. A jealousy of, and despise for promiscuous people who seem to “get away with it” and a blurring of those people and people who are in tune with their natural and healthy sexual desires and sex lives.

Affairs:
No actual affairs, but fantasies about others while in a relationship. I don’t think of others while having sex and am happy to fully enjoy sex with a partner.

Prostitution: none

Rape and Violence: none
In my first serious relationship, my wife had more sexual experience than me, and I had a tough time accepting aspects of that. She had a normal sex life, and had slept with people I didn’t like, and with boyfriends she didn’t really love, and I held it against her. I was so rigid in my sexuality (a Catholic upbringing not helping me here) that I was fairly inhibited. I was also partly afraid that anything I suggested we try would be linked back to my guilt of pornography addiction.

One time, she deliberately made me angry to stir up any type of passion within me, and I got mad, and it scared her. But after that initial surge that of uncontrolled emotion, while I was still in a charged state, I wish we had had sex. I think it would have broken through my inhibitions and allowed us to have pure, passionate sex. She was scared of my reaction and the moment passed. That’s as close to violence or non-permissible sex I’ve gotten. I wish I had been able to convince her through my actions in that moment that I had transitioned from the anger she had induced to uninhibited, if urgent, sexual desire. She would have appreciated that type of sex, and that if would have opened doors for my sexual inhibitions and our sexual connections.



Voyeurism:
If I saw an attractive woman walking down the street, I would drive around the block so that I’d get a chance to see her walk in front of my car at a crosswalk. Mostly when I was younger, rarely now.

Exhibitionism:
I once shot a video of me masturbating with the hopes of sharing it with one of the women I obsess over.

Romantic stalking: above

I submitted the behavioural assessment. It was discouraging. I am in a state of not feeling like I have the energy or direction to make the types of decisions I need to make to progress in health and to have a pure identity emerge, so I have been trying to conserve energy, which has basically been a way of not committing to various things, and to avoid assessing my life and a way of passively moving into recovery.

Lesson 12 - Patterns in Unhealthy Recovery

I feel I’m in the second group, returning to recovery with a new hope or new reason every several months over a period of years.

The pain from the addiction escalates or becomes noticeable in a new situation I encounter and I don’t have enough of a grasp on my values or decision making process to cope with the new situation, so I begin another attempt at recovery. At that point, I’m hopeful that the workshop can teach me something, show me some perspective or help me handle my compulsion enough to get some idea of how to proceed with the situation. Even help me into a head space to create a gap in my compulsive thinking enough to leverage my own thoughts and feelings into action. Eventually the situation, through my inaction and eventual dissociation and loss of focus or interest in the situation, disappears. I am no richer for the experience, and I haven’t developed a way to cope with the situation should it appear again later. But I no longer need to react to a situation, so the urgency of recovery dissipates.

“Their initial enthusiasm with the workshop is transitioned into a developing confidence in their recovery...and this confidence then produces the motivation to continue with the lessons. “

Those who will continue to struggle:

-They minimize their behavior (e.g. "It's not how it seems"; "It's not that big of a deal.")

-They actively prepare their environment for successful acting out by: setting a preliminary foundation for excuses/alibis; seeking out times/situations where they will be unaccountable to anyone but themselves; laying the foundation for the emotional manipulation of others who may pose a confrontational threat (e.g. their spouse), etc.

-They believe that they have suffered so many consequences from their compulsive behavior, that it will be impossible for them to reach their lifetime goals

-They are inflexible in re-evaluating their lifetime goals (e.g. "Since I have failed so far at being a professional actor, athlete, writer, etc., I can't be successful at anything." "Since I cannot be around to raise my children, I will always remain unfulfilled as a parent.")

-They often attempt to "prove" their sincerity to others through voicing dreams, sharing words and making promises, rather than through their actions.

Those who will occasionally struggle:

-They tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior.

-They tend to see life in episodes--with beginnings and endings--rather than as a process.

-They often experience extreme emotions in relation to acting out--extreme guilt, extreme shame, depression, anger, hatred. Or, they experience very mild emotions--when it has become a pattern that they have resolved to accept as a part of their lives.

-They tend to hyper analyze their actions, thoughts and feelings...and make the possibility of living a "normal" life all but impossible.

-This is the way I see my addiction in the context of my past significant relationships: Significant others tend to experience these individuals as exhausting. Capable of achieving anything they set their minds to...though unsure of what it is they will eventually settle their minds on. The relationships themselves tend to be selfish, focusing on the "addict", more so than the partnership. While love and admiration and long-term stability can still be achieved, it is often at the expense of the partner's individuality.

The indecisiveness, and the self-centeredness. My past partners have invested a lot in “us” and I have been reluctant to. My investment in the relationship feels substantially less than that of my exes.

Lesson 13 - Healthy Patterns

Patterns found in early recovery:

In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness and suicide.

In early recovery, they often "test the waters" of recovery by attempting recovery for a few days, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few weeks, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few months, then acting out. A weaning behavior similar to a toddler giving up a security blanket.

Middle recovery:

They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.

They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not "defective", but "deficient".

They tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have affected on others--especially those closest to them. This frequently triggers true remorse, temporary depression, temporary helplessness--but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to people in other, more healthy ways.


2. Values associated with healthy patterns:

-am feeling remorse over loss of potential of self and relationships, friendships and with a partner
-knowing i could do better
-accepting a situation
-accepting that people struggle in life
-accepting that people do the same things I don’t like to do - maintenance, etc.
-accepting that I can leave my addiction
-accepting that i can return to my addiction if I need to, I can bring back the security blanket if I need it and can periodically evaluate my ability to live my own life
-realization that I can change my patterns
-loss of potential of friendships, full sharing of myself

Values associated with unhealthy patterns:

-protection of my secrets
-easy escape or purging of negative thoughts and feelings
-comfort
-not having to be accountable
-being able to react instead of making a proactive decision, including not accepting my current situation and being inflexible to re-evaluate my lifetime goals
-showing and sharing what appears to be progress, thinking it would be of actual benefit
-think a lot about the past, perhaps to validate it instead of being in the present and thinking of the future -experience a lot of guilt after acting out because I know the I’m enforcing a pattern I’d like to remove and am extremely frustrated with myself
-my brain is constantly on, looking for the “best” way to do something.

This was a good check, seeing what values are associated with each pattern in healthy and unhealthy recovery, and confirming I'm less interested in the values of my unhealthy patterns than my healthy ones.

Lesson 14: Daily Monitoring

First list

The follow-up question to most of these is If not, how many days has it been since I did?

1. Did I carry myself as a person worthy of respect today?
2. Did I engage in any compulsive activity today?
a. If so, did I remain in the moment during the activity?
3. Did I create a break in activity as soon as I noticed?
a. If no, did I conduct my behaviour in any way that will have a positive effect on my recovery?
4. What was my energy like today? Did it change throughout the day? Did I do anything to improve or maintain my energy level?
5. Did I take any action to balance my life today (ie. limit participation in one activity to ensure I could spread my day among values)?
6. Did I practice acceptance today by spending at least 15 minutes in constructive actions for home maintenance?
7. Was I proactive at home and work today, working toward at least one aspect that could have been put off for another day?
8. Was I present today? Was I present for at least 10% more of the day than I typically have been?
a. If I noticed myself disassociating, did I do anything to reconnect to the moment (ground myself, take a short break, refocus in some way)?
9. Did I take steps towards unurgency?
a. Did I make time for relaxation?
11. Did I initiate or participate in a playful and curious manner today?
12. Did I do anything physically active today?
a. If not, has it been more than 2 days since I have?
13. Did I create opportunities for belonging today?
14. Was I authentic today? Did I share myself in a meaningful, transparent manner?
15. Did I connect with at least one friend in a meaningful manner?
16. Did I initiate a meaningful conversation with my brother today?
17. Did I take a moment today to reflect on the aspects I appreciate about my life, talents, and situations?

Of everything in the first 14 lessons, the pieces with the most impact have been that healthy people generally make decisions on their values, it is up to me to share who I am with the world, as that is the only information people have when assessing their relationship with me, and people generally have the same options I do through any given day. Their confidence comes from making the right personal choices over time.

I am struggling with the person I want to put forth to the world, the person that reflects me, the person who is me, without a separate identity, and choosing my values has been tough, so making values based decisions and sharing my authentic self have been tough too. Those realizations have opened my eyes though. I have had the most success the past month or so by making almost a to do list that is in tune with my values and following it fairly closely.

My biggest challenge has been that I do not want to commit to a plan for the day, or for the week because I like the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want. I also struggle with sharing myself because I often don’t feel I have much to offer to people.

Lesson 16 Exercise:
Consider the POSITIVE role that addiction has played in your life. What purposes has it served (think short-term, not long)? Understanding the functional role of your addiction is important in removing the power, mystery and fear from that addiction. To begin seeing it in terms of practicality, rather than supernatural. Share a few positive aspects of your addiction in your recovery thread.

Addiction has kept me safe from the hurt of establishing deep friendships and connections, it provides mental relief from a constantly moving yet indecisive mind, it keeps me from being bored and it keeps me from dealing with unpleasant realities. I can scratch the surface of life without having to expend tremendous energy to live life. It allows me personal alone time and a way of maintaining my sexuality since I am not in a relationship.

Exercise 17
Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual and post them in your recovery thread. It is important that you understand the principles involved in identifying the stimulating elements of compulsive rituals...so if you are not comfortable with this concept, ask questions! Also, recognize that the elements listed above are not the only elements associated with compulsive behavior. And so, you will want to identify those elements that are specifically related to YOUR compulsive behavior.

My main compulsion is masturbation - stimulating myself while searching through online porn and usually transferring my sexual thoughts to one of my previous or potential sexual partners.

The elements of the wheel for me are sensory - touch, visual, suspense, accomplishment, fantasy, past, orgasm and power. I also identified collecting, which I think is a variation of power and another - focus.

Sometimes I’ll be doing legitimate computer tasks and will drift into pornography sites, other times I will sit down at the computer fully intending to masturbate. Sometimes I will begin masturbating (Sensory - touch) several seconds before I actually start looking at porn, just in anticipation (Suspense). Other times I will begin opening porn windows before I begin masturbating, but slight lead time hints that Suspense is part of the ritual at this point sometimes.

I begin looking at pornography, and seeing attractive women involved in sex (Sensory - visual) begins clouding my vision. The room, my responsibilities, any thoughts associated with reality begin to fade and I get tunnel vision, focused on the porn. (Focus) I am now in the zone, and it would take a major distraction (probably a fire alarm or something) to pull me from the mesmerizing glow of the computer’s images.

Now I begin the hunt. The images I see at first are enticing, but are they the “best”? Are they the ones I really want to get off to? What other images are around the corner? Maybe I’ll find an old favourite, maybe there’s a woman I like with a new set of photos, doing things I haven’t seen her do yet, or dressed in a way that really turns me on. Maybe I’ll discover a woman I haven’t seen before. (Suspense) I am masturbating the whole time that I search (Sensory - touch), but the masturbation is almost secondary at this point. I begin collecting images, looking at the full size version of ones I find most compelling and minimizing that image window for later. Putting it aside so I can savour it later when I am ready to orgasm, if I decide that’s still the one when the time comes. (Collecting, Power)

Usually, during an hour or more, sometimes several, I have been relentless. Hunting and searching and setting images aside and bookmarking image sets so I capture them, hoard them with vitality and urgency, for whenever I feel like seeing that woman again, doing what she does so well. (Focus, Power) I now have that woman. I can ignore her on my bookmark list if I want, or I can pull her out again whenever I want to masturbate to her. (Power)

Throughout the ritual, but especially now, I have these images. I see the women, attractive women doing things I want to do with them. And I imagine they are doing it for me. (Fantasy) They are posing for me, removing their clothes for me, looking me in the eye seductively as they move from pose to pose. I can watch them and see what else they do for me (Voyeurism). I imagine I am the man in the image and that we are having sex, that she is doing those things for me, with me. (Fantasy)

Sometimes I will choose one or two of the images, and stare at them intently and masturbate to the fantasy that the woman is doing these things knowing I am watching her. She is hot, and she is willing to do those things sexually, which turns me on, but she also knows that I will be watching, meaning she has another layer of sexuality. And I will orgasm to her image and these thoughts. (Orgasm)

Often though, as I am collecting images I will make associations between the woman in the photo and a woman that I would like to have sex with, usually either a previous sexual partner or a woman I know and chatted with about sex. It could be something physical about the woman - a smile, body shape or clothing - that reminds me of a physical feature of one of my friends, or it could be what she is doing sexually - a position we chatted about, a technique we tried or something that she or I mentioned wanting to do. THen the fantasy shifts from the woman in the photo to the woman I know and want to sleep with. (Fantasy) About half the time the fantasy is related to something we potentially could have done but didn’t. One woman and I chatted about oral sex and we never did it, so when I am reminded of her through porn I fantasize about what we could have done, but no longer can since she moved away and is in a long-term relationship, for instance. (Fantasy, Delusion?)

I haven’t moved these friendships or possible romantic relationships forward much in real life, but I have frequent sexual associations with them almost daily through porn.

To a lesser degree, there is sometimes also a thought of being caught when I masturbate, like my brother will come home or something like that. But usually it’s mild and it’s not often. I don’t feel it adds much to the ritual.

Lesson 17 - Time, Intensity and Habituation

Consider one of your own compulsive rituals. Identify circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) have come into play. Make sure that you understand each filter to the point where you are able to identify them as a ritual is being performed. Post these personal examples in your recovery thread.

Time:
The longer I search for that perfect image, collecting a group of them from various sites, shows the time relation to my actions. If I can ride that arousal for a couple hours, the release is better. If I find some photos that arouse me too early and I orgasm before I want to, the experience is lessened. I did’t get to do enough searching and I orgasm too early, say fifteen minutes into the experience. If I sense this is happening, I’ll continue to masturbate but will fight with myself, my inner voice essentially yelling “no, stop” and “not yet” to the hand doing the masturbating, but at that point I’ve reached the tipping point and have to orgasm. I feel frustrated when a masturbation session isn’t long enough.

Intensity:
There’s an urgency that must be reached. I can begin looking at images, then I’ll feel a tug at one of them. This one has potential, look at her, look at the way the her shirt hints at revealing her breasts. I’ll feel a pull, like I should bookmark this photo or open it up and save it for later or open another browser window so I can revisit her later in the session. This pull, this hint of urgency, this hint that I’d be remorseful to lose this particular set in the hundreds of images I will sift through, begins the intensity. I’ve had success. I’ve scored. I’ve captured my first image.

If I continue without finding images I find pleasing, the intensity subsides and I go to standby sites that I know have content that arouses me. This is less pleasurable, but boosts the intensity if needed. I’d prefer to find them by hunting through images naturally, stumbling upon sites that have content I haven’t seen or seen in a while. If the hunt produces rewards periodically I feel the intensity is maintained.

Habituation:
My addiction began with fantasizing about women I saw. I would take a mental photo of them and use it to masturbate to later. Then, I acquired a stack of adult magazines that a second-hand bookstore was throwing out. So the number of women and pornographic situations I had access to increased. When I got old enough I was excited to be able to buy magazines and rent videos. That added to the selection of women I could fantasize about. Then came the internet and the selection became staggering.

At times, to increase the sensations I have masturbated with lotions and various foods.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and my thoughts turned to my exwife and seeing her at an event the other day. I said hi and didn’t stick around. She was with her boyfriend (I think) and six months ago she told me hearing from me reminded me of the biggest mistake she made - marrying me. So I didn’t stick around. I let her have her space.

I feel like our relationship emerged and was an important part of both our lives, then we separated and so much time has passed that it sank beneath the san, never to be mentioned again by anyone and I feel this is not the way I want I want it to be. If I hadn’t been so self-absorbed I think I we could be decent acquaintances now.

Then I felt a sense of regret, of being sorry for putting her through all of this, of hurting her so much that she doesn’t want to admit we had a relationship. I am sorry. Sorry for running, sorry for not knowing what to do, sorry for being childlike and sorry for being cowardly.

I had a brief flash of a girlfriend as well. I am sorry that she gave me a chance to be her friend after we split and that I essentially ignored it, not really on purpose.

I am sorry exwife. I want to talk to you. I want to give you a hug and I want to reach a point where some of our former history and feelings for one another are apparent.

As I lay here with these thoughts the following instincts, compulsive prods, and urges come forth: I want to log in to RN, I want to scan the lessons, I want to know there’s something in the workshop that will pull me through this pain.

At the least I want to write up these feelings in response to the lesson talking through ritualistic thoughts. I want to read a book. Then a random thought of looking up camera equipment online. My brain is trying to come u with something justifiable enough that I can use it as an escape. But I’m not buying it. My thoughts haven’t been this pure in a long time and I’m afraid that even if I do something constructive like reading RN about other people’s comments or lesson 20, or writing my own out, that I’ll soon end up at porn or at least on some other time wasting site. So I stay with the feelings longer.

Who cares if I’m exhausted for a dentist appointment tomorrow. This is a huge chunk of why I’m not moving forward. And I need to stay with it if I am going to recover in any meaningful way.

I want to see a therapist. I feel trapped here, like the same options present themselves and I rotate through them. I don’t have a wife of kids to provide focus on values or value related goals for me to strive towards. I am somewhat jealous of those who still have these relationships regardless of their frailty. I don’t because of years of being selfish with them and because I let them die from neglect afterwards when there could have been an opportunity to continue a friendship on some level. THe person I want to be values these relationships and wishes there was a way to continue them as some level of friendships. I wish I had acted sooner.

A lot of ritutals stem from avoidance of this. I will often read before going to sleep. I think it’s a way to distract me from these thoughts so I can go to sleep and be rested for the next day, and at nightwhen there aren’t other work or home things to so is when these thoughts emerge if I’ve been able to keep busy enough to avoid them during daylight hours.

I also feel I’m letting another of my relationships starve and want to contact another of my friends to keep this from happening with her too.

Other rituals:

Earlier tonight I ate fast food. Felt like I had to.

At work I check email, hoping there will be minor work for me to do to distract me from the bigger pieces I am working on. I don’t have the focus for the long term, larger projects and need a break.

I take coffee breaks to break up my time, leave the building to get an actual break. I eat lunch out instead of bringing one, for the same reason. I need that break.

At the dentist, the hygenist was cute, and while I was laying back in the chair I looked up her eyes, and at one point could feel her hip pressing against me while she cleaned my teeth. I had thoughts of her, of what I could say to her to begin a relationship.

In the morning I feel an urgency around the morning routine, like a to do list. Shower, put on deodorant, choose clothes, did I already put on deodorant?, put clothes on, grab keys, wallet, phone, brush teeth, put gunk in hair, floss, I had my phone a minute ago, where did I set it down, am I going to be on time for work?, check the clock, find phone, put on shoes, out the door. Damn, forgot that paper I need to bring to work, go back in, get paper. Off to work.

I just feel so damn scattered. Like I can’t leave too early to get somewhere, because I’ll have nothing to do while I wait. And I can’t leave too late or I’ll be late. There’s like a “best” time to leave and there’s an urgency around me hitting that best time. Ugh.

I had a good day yesterday, despite being compulsive twice. In the morning, I acted out but was able to force myself to commit to a noon appointment at the gym and pulled myself away in time to make it to the workout. In the afternoon, I was compulsive again, but honoured a mid-afternoon appointment that I could have cancelled. This time I was compulsive but saw it through to the end instead of endlessly hunting and not necessarily climaxing. Then I kept my appointment to shoot some photos of my cousin. In the morning, my compulsion was from do I workout now, what if it’s too much strain like it was last time? It’s a lot of work and I feel great after, but I know there’s a lot of work to be done to improve my fitness, and I’d be more comfortable staying at home. So it was all mind games between staying comfortably at home vs challenging myself physically. For the photos it was I don’t know much about posing a model, especially a 9 year old girl, and I’m not great at visualizing my shots. Will this be a waste of time, will it not be fun for her, will I just suck all around? I could cancel this easily.

In the end I kept the shoot short (for both our sakes), had a bit of fun with it, wasn’t great at posing or direction, but got a few decent photos. So I’m glad I didn’t brush off the photo opportunity and stay at home masturbating most of the afternoon away.

I’ve lamented about my past for too long, so I’ll keep my thoughts brief. I’m more interested in looking at why I maintain the addiction and how to transition out of it.

I masturbated early, around six or so, rubbing up against a coffee table and sort of laying on top of it and rocking on it. My parents didn’t explain much about this to me, only that I shouldn’t do it. When I was a preteen I was sensitive and things would set me off and I’d cry and my classmates would bug me about it. When I was 13 I asked a girl out, and she was kind enough brushing me off over the phone, but the next day a good chunk of the class ridiculed me for it, and she gave me a drawing of me crying and almost an implied list of reasons she would never go out with me. When I was 14 one of the boys in my class essentially displaced me from my group of friends and pushed me from the group so he could have a spot (not sure why there was room for only one of us, but it was clear I had to go). At it’s climax he arranged a schoolyard fight against one of the schoolyard thugs and me. I should have pulled him out of the crowd and had an actual fight. Instead, I weathered these couple years by locking myself in my bedroom after school and turning to masturbation.

I continued masturbating and eventually convinced myself that I didn’t need anyone in my life. I was scared of rejection so I didn’t put my neck out there, did little to express or explore my interests and experiences, and my confidence never blossomed. I moved back home during a break in university and met my future wife who was in a vulnerable place as well at the time. Her vulnerability was temporary and generally she was much better suited to living a well rounded life, so in our life together she outpaced my ability to deal with the real world and my ability to be fully engaged in our relationship.

When we split up, I was more worried about how I would survive than trying to save the relationship and it dissolved. For the period after our separation I hit an all time low and masturbation controlled my life fueled by loneliness, unknowingness, and my acknowledgement that I had no idea how to reach any of my true potential. I felt so inadequate to face the world and relationships that I let compulsion carry me through the days, the weeks, the months.

Now I see people who have been living in reality their entire lives, they generally know what they value, and have years of setting, achieving and adjusting goals to reflect who they are, and I am stressed by committing to a goal, committing something that will define me. I’ve spent so long more concerned with my appearance to the world that I feel extremely underdeveloped, underequipped to reach the same level others have. The level I believe I am capable of, but in committing to something I have to reveal my actual inexperience to the world in some fashion. I am not ready for more judgement and rejection, or sympathy, or something. So I keep myself sheltered. Nobody needs to know how underdeveloped I am. I can keep my lacks a secret by not letting anyone into my life, or only a select few, and under certain terms. That way, they can still think I am at a certain level in my life without them seeing how far below that level I actually am. I’d rather not commit to anything at all, than have something turn out badly, rather than make a mistake and have that mistake be visible to all.

Looking into the future, any rejection major from those close to me, or the death of someone close to me would announce my lack of planning, commitment and reach of potential. I expect I would numb myself closed and go full spiral into addiction again at this point. I would hate myself for not reaching the full depth of the relationship that just ended (say in the death of a parent) and in anger I would seal myself shut, feel I deserved isolation and pain and plunge into the depths of depression and addiction.

New approach to reaction plan.

When I notice I am involved in or heading to ritualistic behaviour:
Stand up from the computer.
Five deep breaths.

Ask myself: If I masturbate now, I am rejecting everyone around me. I am robbing myself of opportunities for growth and a better life. I am telling myself that I believe I cannot be challenged; I cannot be in a fulfilling relationship. Do I believe this? Do I really believe I cannot improve? Do I really believe I am not worth trying another approach in this moment?

Decide to step away from the computer.