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PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 1:34 pm 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Exercise 36 - The Role of Boundaries
I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

At one point during my years long online sex-chat affair with D, I decided that I wanted to "be a better husband and father" and communicated this to D and said I wanted to stop doing the online sex-chat thing with her. Which she disagreed with and because I didn't want to hurt her feelings I didn't break off contact from her completely. So every now and again when I was online late in the evening, a chat window would pop-up from her. I should have been clearer about what I wanted and broken if off completely.

II. Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

I found this one tricky because I'm generally OK with being assertive and communicating what I want and what I don't want so I don't really feel that other people impinge on my value system - it's just my behaviour that bothers me (and other people!). I looked up some other threads (thanks especially to NewMe) for guidance. So it's a bit obvious after L and I working on the couple's contract together, it's now written down that I won't send any emails to any female 'old school friends' without checking with L first.

 Post subject: Journal Entry
PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 2:02 pm 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Had a very mixed few days there. On the one hand L and I took the kids off to a lovely seaside town for a few nights, but I blew up on the way there after (as I saw it) 3 hours of her having a go at me (and got really losing the plot shakey after I told her that I was struggling with it and she (again as I saw it) complained about something else that was annoying her about me) then we had a huge screaming match in the car which necessitated pulling over the car emergency stop style. So that was pretty difficult.

Had something of a breakthrough though (and I added this back to lesson 33) in terms of me starting to think about how upset L is when she's complaining about my previous sexual behaviour and me trying to bear that in mind rather than just holding on to the mind-set that "she's having a go at me".

Also was working with the daily health monitoring goal of "Today I will seek out opportunities to consider what L would think about anything I experience" which I felt I made good progress with, although one evening I forgot about doing it and ordered myself a drink without considering what L might like -- finding my inherently selfish nature is really getting held up in front of me at the moment. Again quite glad that my sexual addiction has come to light because it's giving me a chance to really work on all these other problems in our marriage that were just drifting along.

PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 2:07 pm 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Exercise 37 - Identifying Personal Boundaries
I. List three of your highest values (values prioritized within the top five).

II. For each value, list at least five concrete boundaries (rules) that you will use to protect that value.

III. Absolute boundaries are those boundaries that under no circumstances will you ever cross. These must be realistic AND you must hold them in reverance. Typically, everyone should have at least three such absolute boundaries. List three that you will use to help manage your life.

I recently modified my list of prioritized values which can be found here.

  • Working at being the husband my wife deserves
    • Rule 1: I will apologise and attempt to make ammends whenever I realise I've failed to be considerate of my wife.
    • Rule 2: My wife has the right to complain about things she's not happy with.
    • Rule 3: My wife has the right to feel safe, secure and cherished.
    • Rule 4: I will not touch my wife for what I get out of it. Touch should be a giving, not taking.
    • Rule 5: I will not "sneak off and go on the computer"
    • Rule 6: I will ensure that I maintain a sufficiently healthy mental and physical state to allow me to give the children the attentive care they are entitled to.
  • Being an active engaged parent
    • Rule 1: I will try to work out what's causing the children to act up before I start "dealing" with them.
    • Rule 2: I will apologise if I fail to hear / respond to the children talking to me.
    • Rule 3: House rules stay the same regardless of which parent is implementing them (ie no staying up late watching DVDs when L is away for work)
    • Rule 4: Criticism should be about me rather than them eg "I'm finding it difficult that you're making so much noise" instead of "You're too noisy".
    • Rule 5: I will not "indulge" one child more than the other.
  • Honouring my commitments conscientiously esp marriage vows, Being dependable, extending that to being dependable to myself.
    • Rule 1: I will make sure to discuss where I'm going with my wife before I "disapear"
    • Rule 2: I will do (in good time) the things that I've committed to doing.
    • Rule 3: I will immediately remove my self from any non-safe touch (eg subtle or hidden contact) or touch that I'm finding exciting from anyone other than my wife.
    • Rule 4:
    • Rule 5:

  • Absolute Boundary #1: I will tell my wife about everything that I think she'd want to know about.
  • Absolute Boundary #2: I will not hurt the children, mentally or physically or knowingly put any member of my family into a dangerous situation.
  • Absolute Boundary #3:

Edit: Added enhanced boundaries evolved in Exercise 38.

Last edited by Guided on Thu Nov 03, 2011 3:00 pm, edited 7 times in total.

PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 2:54 pm 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Couple's Recovery: Common Obstacles

Rules: In whatever forms you choose (writing them out, recording them on your answering machine, etc.), hide ten compliments/meaningful thoughts for your partner in places you anticipate them accessing over the next week.

I've been really enjoying both thinking about these compliments (have been trying to spread them over all the "hats" my wife wears - professional, mother, lover, daughter, friend, domestic goddess, explorer, spiritual aspirant, althlete, model) and also giggling to myself as I think up more and more places she going to look. I've also generated a few extra notes and hidden them in places that she's not going to look in for several months.

If she doesn't get 10 this week, then we're all going to know that she's not flossing her teeth. ;)

PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 3:23 pm 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Couple's Recovery Lesson 9 - Understanding Addiction Through Your Partner's Eyes.

Ask your partner to read the above lesson and share their thoughts openly. Encourage them to talk about the similarities and differences between what they have read and what they have experienced. Your job is the most difficult: listen. Just listen. Listen with compassion and with empathy

After this conversation, each of you take a few minutes to share your individual thoughts in your couple's thread. Share only constructive observations of how you felt, what you thought, feelings you experienced, etc.--even if painful.

L didn't really discuss the similarities and differences between the Business Partner passage and her own experience, mainly she just talked about trying to understand my addiction. Regarding the boundaries of the exercise - that I would just listen with empathy and compassion - she complained that all I ever do is listen to her, and "nothing comes of it". Generally if I don't respond to what she's saying she just gets more and more worked up until I do something to stop her (which might be by blowing up and storming out). So I did give her some feedback on what she was saying, but after a short time she decided to try just going with what the exercise had suggested.

She talked about the different things going on with my addiction. I think she finds it much easier to understand and accept the "love addiction" side - coming from my early childhood of a mother with post-natal depression who wasn't tactile and I was kept in an incubator for the first few weeks and then - later on - she used to drive me around in the car to get me to sleep. So seeking acceptance and love and jumping from relationship to relationship as the honeymoon period wears off, she "gets". The side she doesn't like hearing about is the "weak, selfish" addict who apparently valued the buzz of a sexual high over the integrity and wellbeing of his family.

L made a good point that it's she (as the innocent party) rather that the addict that has been put in prison - she sees my position as one of "win win" - if we breakup then I can go off and sleep with whoever I want, and if we stay together then I get to keep the kids and the great life we're currently living.

Differences I noted was that - from L's perspective, she didn't get any of the warning signs of a business in difficulty - she just turned up for work one day to find her building burning. So I suppose that must be worse in a way, more of a shock thinking that everything is fine and then suddenly finding out that the solid foundation for the last 5 years of marriage turned out to be completely hollow.

In terms of how I felt and what I experienced during the conversation...I did feel that my ability to empathise is improving. I think a large part of that is that I'm gaining some confidence that it's not "the end of the world" and I'm not being utterly rejected, so there's a bit more space for me to take in what L is feeling. I think having the dicussion within the context of a RN exercise also made it feel a little less threatening.

It was interesting for me that, reading the paragraph, I came away with the thought "no way would I ever go back into business with that guy again" and having it really starkly clear to me that that's exactly what I'm asking L to do. Incidentaly, she was of exactly the same opinion about the (hypothetical) situation.

PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 2:30 pm 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Couple's Recovery Exercise 10 - Understanding your Partner's Needs

Ask yourself the following: “If my partner did the things that I have done—exactly as I have done them—what would I need in order to rebuild my trust in him/her?” Really think about this. What would you want from them, expect from them, demand from them? Share these thoughts in your Couple's Thread.

I think after such a long time of being so secretive, I'd really need them to open up and be transparent about what's going on with them and in their lives. And after being so self centered, I'd want to see some indication that they're working to move away from that.

I'm not being very honest here; mainly I'm giving the answer that I think the teacher wants to hear. When I think about L doing these things I think that I'd be delighted to be out of the "hot seat" myself and would use her behaviour as leverage to get what I want - back massages and oral sex every night. <sigh> I've got a lot of growing up to do. I'm sure it'd be true that if I was facing these sorts of admissions for real I wouldn't be so happy about it. L was describing potentially having sex with a neighbour the other day (in order to help me feel empathy) and I got really angrily worked up about that.

PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 2:59 pm 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207

Recovery Workshop 38 - Developing Healthy Boundaries

I. Review the boundaries created to protect the values listed in the previous lesson.

II. Consider at least two situations where this value may be threatened. Are the existing boundaries enough to protect against this threat?

III. If not, evolve your boundaries so that they are capable of allowing you to manage those situations.

Situation 1: L is going away for work next week and there's a danger that my behaviour will slide; staying up late, watching movies and playing computer games, drinking in the evening (which keeps me up later) which after a few days leaves me feeling a bit ratty, detached and spacey. This threatens my value of being an active engaged parent.

Boundary 3 was specifically put in place to address this - ie when L is away I don't just put the kids in front of a DVD for the afternoon and watch one myself. I think that I could bolster the boundaries protecting this value with an addition:
#6 I will ensure that I maintain a sufficiently healthy mental and physical state to allow me to give the children the attentive care they are entitled to.

Situation 2: It's not happened yet, and as I'm living in a very small (not to mention foreign) village where everyone knows I'm married with children it's very unlikely to happen but I'm concerned about how I'll handle it if anyone ever made a pass at me - for example pressed their leg against mine under a cafe table - especially as this has happened in the past and I know that I'm very susceptible to touch. This threatens my values of "Being the husband my wife deserves" and that of "Honouring my commitments conscientiously esp marriage vows" .... as I've been struggling to find boundaries for the latter value anyway, I'll add in there: I will immediately remove my self from any non-safe touch (eg subtle or hidden contact) or touch that I'm finding exciting from anyone other than my wife. Ha ha, appropriate time for this smiley: :no:

I'll pop back to the relevant previous posting and add these two new boundaries.

PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 4:07 pm 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Crikey, has it really been a week since I last posted? That's not very good. I got a job Friday so I wanted to make a good impression there and was working helish long hours until today. Can take some time to focus on RN tomorrow. Been thinking a bit about this Lesson/Exercise 39. I read it last week but haven't yet tackled the exercise. It's a big'un which might have been putting me off getting stuck into it.

Also did the couple's exercise on building trust at the end of last week. That didn't go so great and ended in an argument about half way through the list. Instead of it "being great to get to know each other better", L took it as "6 years and you really don't know me at all. You've no interest in me, you don't care who I am". She's got a point, it has "all been about me"

PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 4:11 pm 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Recovery Workshop: Lesson Thirty-Nine - Healthy Sexual Boundaries

Step 1 Take Inventory of Your Current Sexual Values

Your first step in redeveloping healthy sexual values is to brainstorm a list of all sexually-related values that you currently hold. Don't worry about how socially acceptable this list may be, nor concern yourself with whether a particular value is healthy or unhealthy. Your goal here is only to identify your current thoughts/attitudes relating to your own sexuality.

I'm finding this list of beliefs really difficult to come up with, and I've been stalling on it - perhaps also because this exercise is such a long one (14 steps!?). Often a phrase will come into my head that I think might be a belief but when I say it, it's so obviously ridiculous that I can't say I hold it as a belief. Most of what comes to mind are sexual preferences, rather than actual beliefs.

  • If someone wants to sleep with me then they "like me best"
  • Having an orgasm reduces my available amount of "vital energy"
  • I find I don't stay "satisfied" for very long after sex
  • I like variety in my sex life
  • I'd like my wife to want sex whenever I like it
  • I shouldn't get upset when my wife doesn't want sex
  • Sex should be an expectation or considered a right (this is a recent change for me as before now I've expected sex on my birthday, or an anniversary or when away for a night in a hotel).
  • Sex is better when both parties are uninhibited
  • Sex works best when both parties focus on giving the other pleasure, rather than on receiving it themselves.
  • When issues arise in a relationship, the sex life is often the first thing to be affected.
  • If a couple aren't having sex, they might as well be in a friendship
  • Contraception is a joint responsibility
  • Partners have a duty to be honest about their sexual history / current status
  • Sex is best when you can lose yourself in it.
  • I don't necessarily feel any closer to my partner after the glow of sex has worn off, and may even be a bit more tired and irritable the next day.
  • "Quicky" sex is fine occasionally, but is less satisfying than taking time over it.

Last edited by Guided on Sun Nov 13, 2011 2:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.

PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2011 3:14 pm 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Recovery Workshop: Exercise 40 - Respecting Boundaries of Others

I. Choose someone in your life that you feel close to. A spouse. A child. A parent. A friend. Rather than assuming what boundaries they have; or what values they want protected...take some time to step into their lives. Refresh those perceptions that you have. Consider how you can HELP THEM reinforce those boundaries. Post a few thoughts about this in your thread.

II. Consider what you could do should YOU become aware that you have violated a boundary of theirs.

III. Consider your reaction should they tell you that you have violated a boundary of theirs. Think beyond defensiveness...keep working until you grasp a healthy reaction.

Because she's someone I'm very keen to protect, and somewhat more vulnerable in society because she's female, I'll think about my daughter LR who is 2. LR doesn't like strangers to touch her and is scared of dogs coming up to her. She needs prompt help when she says she needs the toilet and isn't happy when children her own age take her toys. She likes to join in and try things for herself ("No, I do it!"), and doesn't like to be told off. She is gradually becoming more affectionate and cuddly as she grows up.

Generally I don't "present" LR to strangers to be kissed or touched and I'm always pretty quick to either pick her up or get myself between her and any strange dogs that approach her. She's getting used to a few of our neighbours dogs...I do encourage her to stroke the docile ones.

If I violated a boundary of LR's I'd apologise, maybe feed back how I thought that would make her feel and say that I'll try and make sure it doesn't happen again. Have a think about what was going on for me at the point where I violated the boundary - was I in some particular state, was I acting selfishly, was I just being thoughtless?

If she were to tell me I'd violated a boundary, I'd follow the same course - apologise, make a committment to not do it again, perhaps ask some questions around the subject to better understand what's at stake - what value the boundary is protecting. Perhaps try and think up some practical steps to take to ensure the boundary isn't accidentaly violated - fitting a lock to a door for example. I'd also (because I've committed to being completely open, and also because it would provide additional protection for my daughter) tell my wife about the incident.

PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 3:49 am 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Exercise 41 - Mastering Boundary Awareness

Over the next month, keep a log of the moderate to major events that occur in your life and assess your ability to deal with these events in terms of your existing boundaries. Family arguments, decisions, chore assignments, etc. All are related to your values and all should have boundaries that protect those values. With each event, identify the event itself, the values that were infringed upon, the existing boundaries that were in place to protect those values and any additional rules/boundaries that may help you the next time you face a similar situation.

In the previous lesson, you took time out to explore the value system/boundary system of someone you care about. Someone who is important to you. This exercise in 'empathy' is valuable if you were indeed able to connect with that loved one's value system. However, even in your best effort, you will still be limited by your own perceptions, values, skills, etc. To master this boundary awareness, you will need to allow THEM to share their values/boundaries unfiltered.

If it is safe for both of you, ask this person to explore these things with you. Ask them to share their values and boundaries openly and with pride...with you taking a passive, inquisitive role only. If it is not safe to do this with that person, choose someone else. Someone non-threatening. Your primary goal here is to sit back and listen to how someone else is striving to manage their life.

I asked my wife to share her values and boundaries. She's doing the Partner's course at the moment, which is great because the language being used is familiar to her. We didn't really discuss boundaries as much as I might have liked, so really I'm just inferring that anything that obviously threatens her values would be impinging on a boundary.

  1. Value: Honesty
    • Boundary: My wife doesn't accept being lied to.
  2. Value: Loyalty
    • Boundary: My wife doesn't accept anyone making negative comments about her family, that have an air of gossip - rather than helpful intention - about them.
  3. Value: Family. My wife is very close to her own family (mum, dad, brothers) and is in regular and close contact with them.
    • Boundary: My wife wouldn't allow any activity (or me) to take priority over her family time, unless it was an emergency.
  4. Value: Fairness. My wife has a strong need for everything that she has any illusion of control over in her life to be fair. Both in the way that she treats others and in that others treat her.
    • Boundary: Nobody likes to be ripped off.

PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2011 8:16 am 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Exercise 44 - Urge Control: Your Core Identity

For a moment, imagine your life apart from your physical being...apart from your possessions...apart from your friends, your family and every other living being. What you are left with is your core identity. It is who you are. It is this identity that then allows you to relate to your physical self, your friends, your family... As you know by now, part of the role you must fulfill in transitioning away from addiction is to rebuild your core identity. This core identity--and your ability to isolate the addiction from it--is critical to urge control.

A. Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life.

B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.

C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?

A. Where I really want to get to is a sense of integration and integrity, of knowing what my "machine" consists of and how each part contributes to the whole. Basically I see my core identity as the part that knows what is right and healthy, and I want to get to a place where when I decide to do something, I do it. And when I decide not to do something, I don't do it.

I was discussing - with my wife - my thinking process around visiting a prostitute. She said that my sense of right and wrong wasn't involved. I disagreed; I knew about the risks and the betrayal and the reasons for not doing it, and they did have a say in my decision making process, they just didn't have the "weight" that they should have done.

B. In terms of values based experiences, well just now I'm very much going through a laboured mental process of thinking through my values. In fact pornography I'm finding quite easy to abstain from - it comes up as more of an impulse rather than an urge which I note rising and then falling away when I say to myself "No, I'm not going to do that". Alcohol (especially this fortnight with my wife being away) is really sitting with me as an urge. So I'm asking myself some questions - why do I want a drink? Am I avoiding some feeling, why am I experiencing it as a craving rather than a 'fancy'? And I suppose "will" is like any muscle, it strengthens as you exercise it.

C.As I wrote about visiting a prostitute above, my core identity does have a say in all my decision making processes, but it appears to be just a vote - one voice among many. It's like I can say to myself "Ok, I've decided I'm not going to have that beer, but in fact I know that I'm going to drink it anyway". I don't beat myself up about it (certainly not to the point of not enjoying the beer). It's just bizarre really, that the decisions I make verbally using (I assume) my neo-cortex doesn't translate into actual doing. I think my core identity is just a bit perplexed about the whole thing.

PostPosted: Sat Nov 26, 2011 11:21 pm 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Exercise 45 - Urge Control: Isolating the Emotions

Identifying the impact of emotions in compulsive urges is essential to objectifying that urge. In previous exercises, you have identified compulsive rituals that presented a linear look at your emotional state across a single action. In this lesson, you are being asked to isolate those emotional elements to the point where action can be taken that will break the chain itself.

A. Map a compulsive ritual that is based on your unique behavior. Ensure that you identify at least five elements that are involved in stimulating your emotions during this act.

C. At what point in the chain is the 'point of no return'? The point where you know that you will be completing the act. Share this in your recovery thread. In the previous exercise, you were to reinforce your ability to identify separate emotional elements in a single compulsive ritual. Here, you will begin to isolate those emotions from your core identity.

I'll refer back to "Pornography with Masturbation" that I detailed in Exercise 24, and looking over that sequence I decided to swap the first two elements around - feeling flat is the first thing experienced, the sense of freedom (with the possibility for acting out) is how I'm coping with / altering that situation.

Viewing Pornography w/ masturbation
  1. Feel a bit flat, often related to not feeling connected to my wife, sense of abandonment
  2. Find myself on my own with no immediately pressing task in hand (some more analysis needed about how this came about. Sometimes my wife would leave, sometimes I'd leave wife and kids for some "space", to check email, etc.
  3. Thought pops into my head that looking at porn would be a good thing
  4. Get tissue organised
  5. Open browser, move into private browsing mode
  6. Flick through favourite still image sites
  7. Open up main video image site
  8. Decide if "today's" selection is enticing enough, or if search is required
  9. Select about 5 videos to run, open all in separate tabs to flick between
  10. Flick through videos - Mastubate lightly, letting sensation build up slowly
  11. Enjoy seeing pre-ejaculate fluid, which adds to excitement
  12. Select most exciting video to orgasm to
  13. Work up to orgasm, time to coincide with on screen orgasm (male or female)
  14. Clean up

Relating those elements to their emotional components:

  1. Flat, low. Background sense of abandonment.
  2. Free, spacious, sense of opportunity and potential
  3. Excited
  4. Physically sensual
  5. Mundane, business like, unstimulated
  6. Comfortable,
  7. Anticipation
  8. Like, the pleasure you get from having a selection of nice things to choose from at the supermarket, abundance.
  9. Comfort at sense of order, having things set out correctly
  10. Comforted/Excited/Longing
  11. Virile satisfaction
  12. Emotion here will be dependent on what's happening on screen - might have component of discomfort if woman has been tricked or paid or scene is obviously "acted". Frustrated desire that I'm not actively participating.
  13. Desire, excitement
  14. Sense of loss, waste, relaxation, sense of a knawing niggle or pressure having lifted.

Found that quite tricky because as I was putting myself back into that place to see how I'd feel about it, I felt more negative emotions connected with watching that behaviour in myself rather than what I would have experienced if I wasn't "looking on".

C. I'd say in that #2 item of having space and possibility, I make the decision to masturbate. Or not - I've mapped out this ritual as pornography with masturbation but if I was short on time I might decide to just check out "today's" still images and in that case I wouldn't get the tissues ready. But that would still be compulsive act. Either way, the decision is made in that feeling of freedom and space.

PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2011 12:12 am 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Exercise 46 Urge Control: Isolating the Decision

This next step in urge control is quite simple. It is the transition in thinking from the identification of a time where action can be taken, to the realization that action will be taken. It is the realization that you are in control over whether you continue engaging in your established compulsive ritual, or whether you engage in alternate behavior that will establish new chains--preferably, ones based on values.

A. In the long run, addiction is eliminated by altering the existing compulsive behavior (destructive, based on immediate emotional needs) to more stable, constructive chains that solidify the foundation of your life in a progressive manner. Before such compulsive chains can be reversed, it is necessary to begin mastering the ability to reverse single compulsive rituals. Begin this process now by considering a previous compulsive chain, identify the element immediately preceeding the 'point of no return' and then rewrite the remainder of the chain so that your actions are based on healthy values, rather than immediate emotional response. Share this in your recovery thread.

The thing is that that point of no return for me is right at the start. Basically when I've had that flat feeling and I've got a bit of space, then when I decide to go and turn on the computer I've already decided to masturbate to pornography. So I guess what I'm aiming to do is bring that feeling of flatness, of rejection and abandonment up into my conscious mind and say "ahh, look, here's me feeling flat" and recognise that I'll be trying to aleviate or avoid that feeling with acting out in some way - pornography, beer, chocolate, a movie, playing a computer game.

So in that space, in that feeling of expansive freedom I'd be free to do just about anything I want - hopefully something related to my values that I could form a connection to. Some things that come to mind are:

  • Bring my connection to the Universe to mind and really feel it in my heart. Perhaps have a wee talk to myself about what caused me to feel low (was I actually rejected, did someone not give me the attention I was looking for?)
  • Breath. Feel my body, feel my feet on the floor.
  • Go and find one (or more) of the children and hug them, tell them I love them.
  • Find my wife and tell her / do something nice for her.
  • Really engage with the next person I meet. Take time and effort to have a conversation with them and get a feel for how their day is going.
  • Consider my "ToDo" list - are there any quick-wins that I could do, some DIY that would give me a feeling of satisfaction?
  • Think about my friends/family. Is anyone due an email or a phone call? Do that.
  • Have a tall glass of water.

PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 3:15 pm 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Exercise 47 - Practical Urge Awareness

1. Just as you have with your values and your emotions, it is time to transfer the knowledge that you are developing to a practical application in your day-to-day life. This cannot be done without first developing an awareness of the times when such information is applicable. Over the next 48 hours, envision at least ten different REALISTIC scenarios where you may encounter a compulsive urge in the future and document these in your recovery thread.

2. With each scenario:
  • Identify how you would know when that urge/ritual would likely begin, when the likely 'point of no return' would be and when you would 'create the break'. Do this in your head.
  • Anticipate the emotions associated with that particular ritual, isolate those emotions from your 'core identity' and prepare yourself to make a values-based decision (versus an emotions-based decision). Do this in your head.
  • Choose one such scenario and document it in your recovery thread.
  • If you are in coaching, you will be asked to review several of these to make sure that you understand the concepts involved. If you are not in coaching, feel free to post additional scenarios for review.

Possible scenarios
  • Picking kids up from school, possible compulsive urge to stare at some of the other mothers picking their kids up
  • Stepping outside the house, possible compulsive urge to stare at neighbour wearing t-shirt without bra or tight leggings with visible labia
  • Christmas house party - alcohol being consumed - possible compulsive urge to lean against colleague on sofa.
  • Going swimming, possible compulsive urge to look through holes in changing rooms walls when getting changed.
  • Sitting in sitting room and spotting neighbour changing clothes - possible compulsive urge to watch
  • Visiting other people's houses, possible compulsive urge to rake through their laundry basket if happens to be in the bathroom / room I'm left alone in.

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