Recovery Nation

I came across this site searching for a way to recover from my lifelong addiction.

This the first step to recover my life and those people which lives I have wronged.

Lesson 1

A
1. I actively commit myself to change to a healthy life.
2. Guild and shame is sometime still sabotaging my life. I experience strong pressure from outside. In the past I have been able to see the bigger picture and I will focus on the wonderfull rest of my life.
3. I realise I need time to heal but want to start and get over it.

B
1. I do not want to live a life of lies any longer.
2. I want to life my real purpose in life - as God intended.
3. I want to have a fulfilled life with my wife.
4. I want to break the chain of PA.
5. I want to stop living a lonely life.
6. I want to stop lying to myself and those close to me.
7. I want to stop protecting my ego.
8. I want to stop feeling bad about myself.
9. I want to stop loosing my temper.
10. I want to manage and handle stessfull situations.
11. I want to support my wife in her recovery out of the pain I caused her.

C
What a traumatic experience. Looking into the eyes of this innocent child and my experiences of trauma and lonelyness through my life.

I do not think anybody in the world should have such a life.

I am doing this for us. Your eyes will help me through this.

Hi Avit
I am glad that you found this site and so will you be if you put in the graft, the time and the commitment

I welcome you and encourage you to throw yourself into the programme
you should try to complete about three lessons a week but also read and participate in the forums
read recommended books
spend time peeling back you own layers and be honest
use every tool in the box

if you can communicate with your wife again be honest and don't withhold, but don't simply dump on her either
take responsibility my friend it could be a long tough road but the path has been well trodden
coaches and mentors may well drop by now and again but if not then it should be taken that you are doing the right things so don't agonise
we are a community and we all have issues, do not think that you are alone, but do remember that you alone are responsible for your recovery
looking forwards to reading your posts

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Vit,

I also want to welcome you to the site. We, (mentors) are more than willing to help answer any questions, guide you and basically help in any way we can. Kenzo is very knowledgable in the program and is always full of good advice as well as the others here to help. Look forward to your lessons and adding your success to the list of the others that have succeeded.

Capt

Lesson 2 Vision

I pursue an emotional, romantic and sexual intimate relationship with my wife build on honesty, trust, respect and true love.

In my relationship I
• listen to her without defending when she shares her feelings and pain.
• am sensitive for her needs.
• am romantic and arrange special occasions and give her gifts.
• frequently tell her I love her.
• share her passion for drama and music.
• daily do something to show her I love her and care for her.
• arrange an occasion to confirm our wedding vows.
• Respect her views.

I grow spiritually by:
• reading
• spending time with God
• joining a spiritual study group.

I contact each child weekly and show interest in them as person. I tell them I love them.

I lead a healthy life by:
• physical exercising.
• not misusing alcohol.
• not smoking.

Lesson 3 The Role of Values

Universal Values
Universal values from the lesson that I have neglected:

1. Self-respect: Taking pride in who I am, the decisions that I make and the life that I am living
2. Social Acceptance: Having the ability to initiate and maintain healthy relationships with others
3. Meaning: Pursuing a reason for my existence (e.g. spirituality, progeny, self-awareness, etc.)
4. Intimacy: Sharing a special trust and vulnerability with my wife
5. Health: Maintaining optimum physical and mental health
6. Autonomy: Being in control over the direction of my life
7. Order: Having an organized plan for my life

Practical Values

1. Honesty
2. Trust in myself
3. Trust in others
4. Respect for myself
5. Respect for others
6. True love
7. Being romantic
8. Sensitivity for others needs
9. Appreciate music
10. Showing empathy
11. Showing love
12. Communicate feelings
13. Listen to others
14. Spiritual growth
15. Support my children
16. Financial care
17. Physical exercise
18. Intimate relation with my wife
19. Preserve nature
20. Enjoy nature, the wonders of creation
21. Enjoy life
22. Respect other peoples beliefs
23. Respect other peoples way of doing things
24. Belief in GOD
25. Pray to GOD
26. Integrity
27. Being playful
28. Sense of humour
29. Being loved by others
30. Creativity
31. Physical health
32. Looking after my body
33. Overcoming personal struggles
34. Sexual intimacy with my wife
35. Feeling appreciated
36. Develop patience
37. Companionship
38. Being organised
39. Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
40. Resourcefulness
41. Power
42. Control
43. Avoiding conflict
44. Intellectual growth
45. Feeling content
46. Forgiveness
47. Being realistic
48. Being practical
49. Self-discipline
50. Being perfect
51. Take criticism
52. Take responsibility
53. Improve communication
54. Not bear grudges
55. Providing for my wife
56. Achieving success
57. Keep calm
58. Communicate what I think and feel
59. Using logic
60. Never lose hope

Note: I have found this exercise difficult to grasp but have completed it with honesty and the believe that this is the way to my healing.

Very good start. You seem to have a good list that encompasses many of the things I feel are the foundation of a healthy life. In lesson 2 you mention that you want to be healthier. Exercise is one of the best stress relievers I have found, but have not stopped smoking. I would be careful taking on recovery and stopping smoking at the same time. Not that it is impossible, but I know I would get way more irratable if I had to stop smoking at the same time. If you feel strong enough to tackle both, by all means, press on, just be careful not to take on too much at one time. Right now RN is the main focus and other "lesser" evil addictions can be addressed at a later date.

Other than that, I think you are headed in the right direction. Stay on top of your lessons as good as you can. Recovery and a new you is right around the corner.

Capt

Capt,

Thanks for the advise. I agree with the general comments.

I have been smoking on and off for the last couple of years. My circumstances is right at this stage to leave it permanently and it will be good for my own motivation.

Lesson 4. Prioritising my Values

1. Honesty
2. Intimate relation with my wife
3. Belief in GOD
4. Respect for myself
5. Spiritual growth
6. Integrity
7. Physical health
8. Communicate what I think and feel
9. Support my children
10. Financial care
11. Showing empathy
12. Overcoming personal struggles
13. Companionship
14. Self-discipline
15. Never lose hope
16. Sensitivity for others needs
17. Being romantic
18. Respect other peoples beliefs
19. Feeling content
20. Forgiveness
21. Intellectual growth
22. Take criticism
23. Sense of humour
24. Take responsibility
25. Enjoy nature, the wonders of creation
26. Not bear grudges
27. Using logic
28. Being organised
29. Pray to GOD
30. Enjoy life
31. Respect other peoples way of doing things
32. Trust in myself
33. Being realistic
34. Being practical
35. Keep calm
36. Respect for others
37. True love
38. Preserve nature
39. Listen to others
40. Providing for my wife
41. Sexual intimacy with my wife
42. Showing love
43. Looking after my body
44. Being playful
45. Appreciate music
46. Physical exercise
47. Creativity
48. Develop patience
49. Resourcefulness
50. Improve communication
51. Achieving success
52. Being perfect
53. Trust in others
54. Being loved by others
55. Feeling appreciated
56. Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
57. Power
58. Control
59. Avoiding conflict

Lesson 5. Identifying Incongruent (contrasting) Values

1. Honesty
2. Intimate relation with my wife
3. Belief in GOD
4. Respect for myself
5. Spiritual growth
6. Integrity
7. Communicate what I think and feel
8. Support my children
9. Financial care
10. Physical health
11. Showing empathy
12. Overcoming personal struggles
13. Feeling content
14. Self-discipline
15. Never lose hope

Lesson 6. Building Proactive Action Plans I

Support my children

• Contact each one once a week.
• Ask about their personal wellbeing.
• Follow up on items they shared.
• Proactively contact them before important occasions eg. A – birth of child, B – teeth, C – own business.
• Help them when they request advise/support.

Physical health

• Train at least 3 times per week. Either gym or walking.
• Do not eat fatty food.
• Eat vegetables daily.
• Eat a fruit daily.
• Do not drink too much alcohol.
• Do not smoke.
• Do stress relieve exercise when feeling stressed.
• When having negative thoughts about things that happened make time to overcome it as soon as possible.

Spiritual growth

• Every day read part of a spiritual book.
• Daily meditate/pray.
• Join spiritual group.

Lesson 6. Building Proactive Action Plans I

Support my children

• Contact each one once a week.
• Ask about their personal wellbeing.
• Follow up on items they shared.
• Proactively contact them before important occasions eg. A – birth of child, B – teeth, C – own business.
• Help them when they request advise/support.

Physical health

• Train at least 3 times per week. Either gym or walking.
• Do not eat fatty food.
• Eat vegetables daily.
• Eat a fruit daily.
• Do not drink too much alcohol.
• Do not smoke.
• Do stress relieve exercise when feeling stressed.
• When having negative thoughts about things that happened make time to overcome it as soon as possible.

Spiritual growth

• Every day read part of a spiritual book.
• Daily meditate/pray.
• Join spiritual group.

Vitoria,

Your list looks great. These plans will be part of your life for a very long time, it is kind of like your daily compass to keep you on the right track. Mine are very similar and when it comes to exercise, I found it helpful to have a goal (I picked running. I started off with a mile and a half and have gotten up to 6.5) It is very good at relieving stress. As for Spiritual growth, I also re-devoted myself to God. To me, that was very important. If you have time, pick up the book, “The Love Dare”. It has 40 lessons that bring you closer to your spouse (if you are married) and to God at the same time. Great lessons in it.

Keep up the great work,
Capt

Lesson 7. Building Proactive Action Plans II

Honesty

• Analyse why I was lying about my addiction to my wife.
• Write down the damage caused to my wife.
• Discuss the damage caused to her with her.
• Never lie again.
• Feel remorse.
• Question myself at the end of each day “did I lie”?
• Question myself at the end of each day “did I tell the truth”?
• If the answer is no ask why and discuss with my wife.
• If I have lied immediately admit it and say I am sorry.

Intimate relation with my wife

Communication
• Listen to her without defending when she shares her feelings and pain.
• Respect her views.
• Share with absolute honesty/absence of secrecy.
• Answer her questions completely, giving all information.
• Express my emotions openly and spontaneously by communicating an “I” message. (I feel … not you are…. )
• Express my emotions with vulnerability (e.g. without fear of being judged or rejected)
• Do not lose my temper with my wife, even if she carries on for hours.
• Monitor myself for signs of frustration and act proactively to ask for time-out to get my emotions in line.
• Daily initiate discussing her progress in healing.
• Do not get drawn into my wife’s frustration.
• Accept that she does not always communicate the way I would like it. Translate her message.
• If it is inconvenient for me to communicate with her at a particular time, communicate this to her and give her a new time as soon as possible but within 24 hours.

Loving
• Daily tell her I love her.
• Daily do something to show her I love her and care for her.
• Arrange a romantic event once in two weeks.
• Arrange an occasion to confirm our wedding vows.
• Show empathy with her feelings.

Sharing
• Plan and prepare dinner together once a week.
• Ask her to teach me to appreciate drama and music.
• Plan social events together.
• Help in preparing and help during social activities with our friends at our house or wherever.
• Go to cinema/theatre once a month.
• Do a hobby together.
• Keep her updated with our financial status/situation.

Sexual intimacy

• Initiate sex.
• Show my loving emotions to my wife.
• Make my wife my sole source of sexual satisfaction.
• If my wife turns me down, reassure her of my love and commitment.
• Make my wife my primary emotional interest.

Belief in GOD

• See spiritual growth in Part I

Respect for myself

• Look after my body.
• Do not wear old worn out clothes.
• Wear fit for purpose clothes.
• Live according to the values I have set.

Integrity

• Be honest in all my communication and handlings.
• Respect other people’s views.
• Live according to the values I have set.
• Do not make promises I cannot keep.
• If I have made a promise and cannot keep it, communicate it to the person I have made the promise to.

Communicate what I think and feel

• Tell my wife what I feel immediately and if the situation is not right as soon as possible.
• Express my emotions with vulnerability (e.g. without fear of being judged or rejected)
• Be honest about my feelings when I communicate.
• Be sensitive for other people’s beliefs and feelings when I communicate my thinking and feelings.

Financial care

• Do monthly financial planning.
• Share planning with my wife.
• Manage my spending to be in line my financial plan.
• Revise my investments on a 3 monthly basis.
• Do not spend money on things that do not contribute my wellbeing, my marriage or the growth of somebody else.


Showing empathy

• See communication under Intimate relation with my wife.
• When somebody tells me something ask questions to understand more.
• Show them I understand their emotions and struggle.

Overcoming personal struggles

• Daily spend time on a program to help me understand and overcome my struggles.
• Monitor my progress in overcoming struggles.
• Seek help when I get stuck.

Feeling content

• Spend time with myself and what I am doing.
• Take time to appreciate all the good things I have in life.

Self-discipline

• Constantly analyse what I am doing to ensure it contributes to my vision.
• Plan my actions by writing it down.
• Concentrate on completing things.
• Don’t allow non-important things to become important.

Never lose hope

• Not be distracted by other people’s reactions and moods.
• Do not lose sight of my vision.
• Replace negative emotions with positive emotions by positively analysing what I am feeling and experiencing.

Lesson 9 Understanding my Partner’s Needs.

My first reaction would be to be furious and lose my temper and shout at her and leave her.

I will come back and then expect:

She must be absolutely honest, there must be no slips.
She must stop all addiction immediately.
I would like to know the extent of the addiction.
I would like to know why it happened.
I would like to know what I did wrong.
I would like her to understand what she has done to me and herself.
I would like to see she is sorry.
I would expect remorse.
I would like to be left alone when I am sulking.
I would like her to be available when I want to talk or have questions.
If she says she loves me, she must prove it.
I would like to know what she is doing to recover.
She must prove in her dealing with the children and other people that she has new values.
I would look for signs of her failure to live a new life.
I would like to see that she lives up to what she says.
I would like her to be emotionally stable.
I would not want to hear her problems.
I would want her to be there when I need her.
She must seek help if she cannot keep the recovery growing.

Lesson 10

I I am still sometimes deceiving (manipulating, minimising, cover up, omit and skew) when talking to wife and to myself. This exercise has opened my eyes for this.

II It is my utmost will and intension not to deceive my wife any more.

I am breaking the chain of deceiving myself and her by understanding my limitations and reasons for the deceiving life I have led and base my life on honesty within the following boundaries:
• tell the truth about what I have done
• do not omit truths
• do not tell half-truths
• do not add lies to help minimize or rationalize the situation

IV I have nothing stashed away but the following items that I have used until three months ago in the house are still freely around:

Computer.
Woman’s magazines.
Sculpturing books.
TV
My wife’s panties

V
This can be a long list as, although I have stopped, have been fantasising for a long part of my life.

Girls at school.
Woman at work. - 44 years.
Woman on porn sites – hard porn and pictures etc.
Woman in magazines – woman’s and general magazines.
Woman in porn magazines. In bookshops and books I bought.
Woman in books – sculpturing, sex book in wife’s wardrobe.
Woman in Portuguese class.
Woman on TV.
Woman on adult CD’s.
Woman on TV adult films.
My wife’s friends. 3 off.
Strange woman in shopping malls, beaches, gymnasium, street, offices, buildings, restaurants – starring and scanning.