Lud's Recovery Response Thread

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

This is my self help lesson response thread.

Captain1 · **Joined:** Sun Feb 06, 2011 12:07 am **Posts:** 138

Hi Lud,

Glad to see you have made the step towards recovery. RN is a program like none other out there and with hard work and dedication, you can and will recover. There are many mentors and coaches that can give advice and help you along the way if you run into road blocks. Be sure to stay on top of your lessons and keep posting them in this thread.

Good luck

Capt

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

Lesson 1
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change - I had become complacent in my revovery. I am now reaping the consequences of that complacency and failed commitment to my wife.
NOTE: I have only known passive recovery until now. I have only used negative motivation until now. It is a struggle for me to stay committed for me and not for her. But I now know that this is one of the main reasons for my failures in the past.
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change - I want to, and I am ready to. But guilt has been there for a long time. Always there to sabotage my efforts. The other day I had an interesting thought. I was thinking about the positive motivations I have for becoming healthy, and at the same time I felt guilty for not doing it for someone else. I thought this is crazy, I am actually feeling guilty for motivating myself to change for me. After more thought I realized that focusing on my own health is the only way that I will be able to give the people in my life the relationships that they deserve from me and that those things will eventually fall in line. Right?
3) allowing yourself time to change. - I am there on this. I think that my wife struggles with wanting it instantly. This is a source of contention for us. But when I think about it from her point of view, she has had to wait a long time for this. I would be doing the same thing.

B. 10-15 Reasons why I seek to permanently change my life:
NOTE: As I got further into this, the reasons became more about me and doing this for positive reasons. And they even changed a little now that I am thinking about them more.
1. To experience fulness in my relationship with my wife
2. To be able to live life without fear of losing the relationship with my wife
3. To be rid of the guilt of my past
4. To feel free to act like and be myself without shame
5. To be a father who has an open and honest relationship with my kids
6. To have a good legacy
7. To break the chains that have been holding me back from making a difference in other people's lives who are affected by pornography
8. So that I can serve other people
9. I want to be able to consistently put the marital needs of my wife before mine
10. So that I can see people for who they really are: as God's creation and not as objects for me to get things from
11. To not fear lust
12. To be a trustworthy person
13. To be consistent
14. To break the chain of sexual addiction in my family
15. To be free from the legacy of my father

I have a question if someone reads this... Am I objectifying myself? How do I reconcile that question?

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

My experience with the picture of me when I was a young boy...
I was in Pre-k at Children's World. There is one of my whole class, and one of me only. The one of me only strangely enough is a mirrored image. I looked happy. I was happy. It was only later that I looked to my parents to shelter me from the divorce they went through. They did not shelter me from that. It was a long and bitter custody battle. I don't really feel like putting into words what I am feeling now. Lots of tears. Remorse for being weak and not steering him in the right path. I think I was a cute little boy.

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

My Vision:
- To lead my family with courage, compassion, and conviction
- To be able to stay focused and not allow failures that I have along the way to derail my vision
- For my wife to be able to look in my eyes and know that I see her as worthy
- For my children to have learned from me how to have depth in their relationships before it hurts them and the ones they love
- For my life's story of success to help lead others to a healthy life where they have vision
- To have lived a life that was full of triumphs over failures and circumstance as evident by meaningful, full, close, and deep relationships with my wife, and then children, grandchildren, brothers and sisters
- Finally, for God to say to me "Thanks for listening, you did a good job, son."

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

Values from Vision:
Attending church consistently
Getting involved in ministering to others
Putting my wife/s needs before mine
Understanding others' point of view
Allowing differences of opinion
Respecting differences of opinion
Spending one on one time with each of my kids
Making time with my kids special and meaningful
Being more active
Achieve physical fitness
Be organized
Spending daily time in prayer
Spending daily time reading
Being honest
Being a soft place for my wife to fall
Affirming others
Motivating to family
Being stable emotionally
Being a good listener
Handle money efficiently
Modeling delayed gratification
Being humble
Being energetic
Being personable
Having personal boundaries
Being strong enough to stick to those boundaries
Communicating effectively
Being playful
Being childish
Having fun with life
Keeping in touch with my brothers
Keeping in touch with my sisters
Helping my mother
Being strong emotionally
Being strong physically
Earn respect from my wife and children
Earn respect from the men I work with
Live as one consistent person to everybody
Noticing when I am needed by my wife and kids
Noticing what I am needed for
Being pro-active
Being devoted
Making people laugh
Being dependable
Having sexual intimacy with my wife
Being patient
Being nice
Being vulnerable
Being content
Happy
Forgiving
Handling conflict appropriately
Handling conflict as it arises

Dark Side
Being selfish
Immediate gratification
Prideful
Need for acceptance
Center of attention
Connection at any cost
Fulfilling self only
Hide real thoughts
Being a chameleon
Being forceful
Out of control
Rude
Judgmental
Yelling
Being scary to kids and wife
Being dishonest
Modeling the opposite of what I expected
Needy
Entitled
Embarrassed
Shame
Guilt, Guilt, Guilt
Fear of losing relationships
Fear of losing things
Procrastinating action
Fear of disgust
Secrecy
Giving up
Anger at God
Anger at parents
Unworthiness
Pleasure
Euphoria
Getting away with something
Feeling trapped
Being mis-lead
Ignorance
Anger at failed attempts
Anger at myself
Disorientation
Depression

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

Values Prioritized
1. Being devoted
2. Being Dependable
3. Being Patient
4. Being Vulnerable
5. Being Humble
Being Honest
6. Spending time in Prayer
7. Being Stable Emotionally
8. Communicating effectively
9. Being Vulnerable
10. Being Pro-active
11. Enacting personal boundaries
12. Being a good listener
13. Live as one constant person
14. Handling conflict appropriately
15. Being organized
16. Forgiving
17. Being a soft place for my wife to fall
18. Spending daily time reading
19. Putting my wife's needs before my own
20. Making time with kids special and meaningful
21. Being active
22. Spending one on one time with wife and kids
23. Having fun with life
24. Having sexual intimacy with my wife
25. Allowing differences of opinion
26. Understand others' point of view
27. Modeling delayed gratification
28. Attend church regularly
29. Feeling content
30. Earn the respect of my wife
31. Earn the respect of my children
32. Earn the respect of my friends
33. Being happy
34. Affirming others
35. Motivate family
36. Handle money efficiently
37. Being playful
38. Keeping in touch with my siblings
39. Being physically fit
40. Being energetic
41. Make enough money to pay bills myselp
42. Bodybuilding
43. Making people laugh

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

Lesson 5 Top 15
Devoted to my health and family
Being Dependable in my commitments
Being physically fit
Being kind to my wife and kids
Able to deal with stress well
Honest
Forgiving of mistakes of myself and others
Taking care of/Protecting my family
Being Organized
Sharing Intimate time with wife
Enjoying meaningful time with kids
Serving others
Being a soft place for my wife to fall (someone she can feel safe with)
Being Compassionate
Being in control of my emotions

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

Exercise 6:
Develop Proactive Plans for 2 or 3 of my top 15 Values

1. Being Physically fit
Work out: lifting weights, cardio
Don't give in to discouragement
Eat healthy
Take advantage of benefits at the station
Understand my limits: time, other obligations, my health

2. Serving others
Having compassion for my patients
Praying for them
Helping my wife with her work
Helping around the house
Serving at church
Watch DOGS
Get involved with my kids

3. Being organized
Get a day planner
Start every day by giving myself 10 minutes to look over my schedule
End every day by looking at schedule
Make to do lists
Make a chore list for myself
Reward myself for getting stuff done on time
Fight discouragement and guilt for not getting stuff done on time
Understand my limits

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

Lesson 10

I do not have any items stashed away for sexually compulsive behavior. From the time that I stopped watching internet porn 6 years ago, I began to replace it with compulsive sexual thoughts/fantasies about my wife. I objectified her as a sexual object for my pleasure by making videos of us having sex,andeven videoing her without her knowledge or consent. Also, by fantasizing about her. I confessed this to her recently and I am working towards a healthy way to manage my relationship with her.
Occasionally I will "catch" myself looking at a woman's breasts or doing a double take. It has been hard for me to spontaneously and openly share myself with her. For years I have tried the "reporting" method and it has been a complete failure, and very frustrating for us both. The person that I have used as a compulsive or sexual object has been my wife. This has been devastating. I have replaced one thing for another.
Sometimes I will see women that remind me of a particular porn star that I used to watch and I struggle with fantasizing about them. When we are distant and like right now, when I am sleeping away from my wife, I have thoughts of looking at porn or whatever. The last time I was sleeping in the man cave, before starting RN, I masturbated to some bra and workout infomercials. I confessed that to her.
There have been many things that I have confessed to my wife over the years. I have given very specific details to her. She, through the process of discovering my addiction has come across some of the images that I was looking at. Also, because of the number of times I have "come clean" and not recovered from my addiction, it has devastated her trust in me and her trust in my ability to be honest. This has only been compounded by my inability to be spontaneously open with her about my thoughts. The other night I was at work and she texted me that she had received a very troubling email and that it was about my fidelity. Then she got bombarded with these emails. She asked me if I give my phone number out to patients. And if I knew... (a person's name). She is back to watching everything I do. Looking at phone records. Her mother called me about something this morning, I called her back and we talked about it (not related to this at all). My wife called me at lunch and asked if I had called her mom. We are in trouble. And quite frankly, this has been very distracting for me. I think I am pressing on through this for me. And even though I can look at this and say I am learning to anticipate things like this, it does not change the way it makes me feel...hurt. And that sucks.

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

Lesson 12
I have definitely been in group one during past recovery attempts/failures. But I do not find myself bored or being pushed at this time. In regards to the second group... I did begin the couples workshop for the negative motivation talked about in earlier lessons. I identified with that so much. It opened my eyes as to one of the reasons why recovery has failed for me so many times. In that, I found a passion within myself to change for ME. I am totally committed to my health, that I am confident I will be a healthy person. I will be able to manage my life in a healthy way opening the door to having healthy relationships with the people who I love.

The patterns that I identify in myself that are unhealthy are:
-Jumping from addiction to addiction
-Powerlessness over my urges
-Fear of triggers
-Focusing on controlling past behaviors
-Seeing my life in episodes
-Measuring my recovery by abstinence (namely from viewing pornography)
-Experiencing extreme emotions - this has been very damaging to my relationship with my wife and kids. I have not been protecting them from my outbursts and hurtful comments. I also disconnect from them in a way that leaves them guessing and fearful of the unknown
-Hyper-analyzing my thoughts constantly (and then guilt follows)

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

Lesson 13- Healthy patterns

At one point or another I have identified with most of the items on the list of early recovery. My recovery has been cycle of failures, commitments, failures. I have lost the trust, and love of my wife because of this. I am very confident in my recovery. I am having to separate my marriage from my recovery. Although I love my wife very much, she has decided on divorce. It has been distracting to say the least. I am experiencing feelings for the loss of her and my family. But I am not doing this so that I will not lose that. Sometimes I think that I am doing this in spite of my relationship with my wife. My heart is broken because of the pain I have caused her, but I cannot slip back into the feelings of guilt and shame anymore.

Some of the things I am experiencing in the Middle recovery
I realize that it is not what i have done but what I am doing.
I am motivated by the future healthy me. I am learning to make decisions based on my values.
I don't make decisions based on what I can get away with
I still sometimes focus on controlling past behaviors, but I am also developing new ones
I do perceive my powerlessness as a lack of skills
On the spot sincerity is still very hard for me.
I struggle with feeling defective sometimes, but not much anymore
I have always viewed my life as a book of starts and stops. But as I think about this, I see how it is flawed
Everything is gone except my thoughts. How do I get rid of these?
It is too hard for my wife to hear committments because of the many failed ones in our relationship. But I do feel true remorse for the things I have done

II. Consider the values that surround both your healthy and unhealthy patterns. Are they consistent with your current prioritized values? If yes, wonderful. If not, how might this awareness alter how you are currently perceiving/managing your recovery? Share your thoughts in the community forum.
Yeah, most of them. I need to revisit my list of values and proactive plans often.

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

Proactive Action Plans

Being Devoted:
I. Prioritize my passions

II. My recovery/Managing my life

III. Prayer

IV. Relationship with my wife

V. Relationship with kids

VI. Be dependable

VII. Being Kind to my wife and kids

VIII. Deal with Stress appropriately

IX. Be Honest

X. Be a forgiving person

XI. Take care of and protect my family

XII. Share intimate time with my wife

XIII. Spend meaningful time with kids

XIV. Be a soft place for my wife to land

XV. Be Compassionate

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

HEALTH MONITORING I

Daily Monitoring List

1) Did I start and end my day with prayer and bible reading?
2) Did I engage in any sexual fantasies or lustful acts?

3) Did I foster a closer relationship with my kids?

• How did I do this?4) Was I dependable in my commitments to work on my marriage while separated?

5) Was I organized today?
6) Did I complete all of the things on my list that I needed to do today?
7) Did I handle stress well today?

8) Did I take care of my family?

9) Was I compassionate today?

10) Did I work out today?
11) How would I say I am doing emotionally?

Lud · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:27 pm **Posts:** 67

Lesson 15
I have learned so much. The one thing that I find I think of on a daily basis more than anything else is basing my decisions and actions on my values. As I think about my day in the evening and all of the things on my Daily monitoring list, I have an opportunity to remember back through the day. I think of the times I say to myself "are you making this decision based on your value, or as a reaction?" I also am able to think of those times where I did not proactively use my value as the reason for a choice.

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