Recovery Nation

51 - Decision Making

Compulsive Chain:
1. Wife and I argue
2. I say something mean and place more distance between us emotionally
3. Wife goes to bed
4. I am feeling frustrated
5. I stay up and watch TV
6. I channel surf for something to watch
7. I see something on the guide that is sexually alluring
8. I say "to hell with it, I am going to indulge myself"
9. I click on the channel and watch
10. I spend the next few minutes clicking on and off of different channels
11. I find something to masturbate to
12. I masturbate to orgasm
13. I clean up and go to bed feeling guilty
14. The next day I withdraw and let her make all decisions for the family
15. Relationship gap widens with every moment that I keep my secret

I should begin considering my options between 7 and 8
Options are:
- Turn TV off and go to bed - crisis averted, however, no communication has been made to my wife about my struggle
- find something that is not sexual to watch
- Turn TV off and do something else (read, pray, think about how to right the situation) - again, I made a better choice than to engage in a compulsion, but I did not include my wife. If I combine this decision with calling a friend and telling my wife either now or in the morning, I would derive the most meaning from this
- continue with the ritual (filtered out because of values)
- fantasize about something sexual without watching tv (filtered out)
- wake my wife up and tell her about the temptation - I will have communicated effectively, but without the thought and prayer, or guidance from a friend
- call one of my accountability partners - this combined with the other 2 above would be my most meaningful, healthy and rewarding option

Hi Lud,

Just read over your last few posts and sounds like you're doing well - this post in particular emphasises that you're really connecting with your values and 'getting it'.



This is what happens when recovery becomes something more than a chore to do, lessons to tick off or a list of compulsive situations to avoid. The separation between recovery and life starts to blur and you only see opportunities to practice acting from our values, or not. It's wonderful to hear the positive changes filtering into your life and the lives of those around you, despite inevitable imperfections.

As for your response to Lesson 51 your healthy options look good but rather than considering them between stages 7 and 8 it might be more beneficial to consider your options at number 4 when you start feeling frustrated. There may even be a case for considering them before option 1 as your frustration might have been running under the surface and factored in the resulting argument. In that scenario being open with your wife that you feel stressed or frustrated (even if you can't fully articulate why) will not only likely avoid the argument but draw you closer to her and strengthen your values - escaping to the TV won't even enter the picture.

Anyways, good work and here's to more positive changes

Newme

Thank you for the response Newme. You are right about considering the options before arguments happen. That is/should be a part of my anticipating certain inevitable events. Which I must say I can do better at.

Lesson 52 - Isolating emotions

One example of isolating emotions comes from doing my job. As a firefighter, I have to do this on a regular basis. Being able to set aside, and isolate emotions that are natural to me when I see a devastating event to another person, is something that I must do. Whats interesting to me is that when I do not isolate these emotions and deal with them appropriately, rather pushing them back and ignoring them, I get stressed out, and it causes problems elsewhere in my relationships. I see this when I am faced with the temptation to lust after a woman, or to fantasize about sex unhealthily.

53 - Making the decision

Masturbating while by myself, as a sexual act deliberately excluding my wife from it, is against my values and her boundaries.
Masturbating with with her there, or with her knowlege is not a violation of either.

Value conflicts- Fantasizing about things that violate her boundaries and/or my values while having sex with her. Using her as an object to fulfill my sexual needs, rather than engaging with and valuing her as a person is also a conflict.

Constructing Action Plans #58

5 Situationschoices that I will most likely face in the next 2 years

#1 Fantasizing about sexual situations
- Recognize the signs
- Realize that I have a choice to make
- Begin processing the choices I have through my values

#2 Objectifying my Wife
- Recognize the signs of what is going on
- Does seeing her as an object for my pleasure strengthen my values?
- Make my choice
- If I violated my values or her boundaries then be honest, if I did'nt, then discuss with her the situation

#3 Lusting and/or fantasizing about other women
- Recognize that when I am at certain places or in certain situations that the opportunities to lust or begin a fantasy can be stronger than others
- When I am in these places or situations that have caused me issues, adjust my focus
- When I see a woman that I am tempted to lust after, realize my choices and act on my values rather than reacting to the stimulus
- If I fail, then truth and openness is the only way to live a healthy life

#4 Complacency
- Put in place a time/day when I can be alone to take inventory of my life, values, and commitments.
- If complacency has set in, then I know what to do.. assess my situation and be open with my wife, counselor and accountability partner.

#5 Stress
- I must be honest with myself about the stress of my job, raising kids, and being the leader of my family
- I must be open about these stresses with my wife
- adjust the values I am focusing on to reflect handling stress appropriately

This was my vision as posted in Lesson 2...
My Vision:
- To lead my family with courage, compassion, and conviction
- To be able to stay focused and not allow failures that I have along the way to derail my vision
- For my wife to be able to look in my eyes and know that I see her as worthy
- For my children to have learned from me how to have depth in their relationships before it hurts them and the ones they love
- For my life's story of success to help lead others to a healthy life where they have vision
- To have lived a life that was full of triumphs over failures and circumstance as evident by meaningful, full, close, and deep relationships with my wife, and then children, grandchildren, brothers and sisters
- Finally, for God to say to me "Thanks for listening, you did a good job, son."

** I am wanting to document this in my thread to help in my Mentoring **

My Vision now includes:
- Including physical activity as a regular part of my life.
- Active pursuit of physical health by eating a healthy diet, exercise, and relaxation/meditation.
- Being financially responsible every day. This includes living within my means.
- Incorporating music that I love as a healthy part of my day.
- I want to be an example of health to my kids, not perfect.

Today I tried to manipulate my wife for something stupid. I was not being self aware at all today. I am posting this because I am going to be mechanically monitoring my self awareness for at least the next couple of days or so.

My monitoring has become very fluid. It is strange and awesome to me at the same time how stuff comes together. I am enjoying my life, and the current health of my family!

Lesson 64

One thing that really stuck out with me in the questions was how much less time I spend trying to control my urges. Learning how to separate my emotions from the ability to make decisions based on my values has revolutionized my life. Really! Where once I would whit knuckle my way through days, weeks, and months, only to find that I have become so stressed that I give up for a while, has been replaced with a cognizant ability to use my awareness, face the decision by exploring all options (including engaging in compulsion), and then follow through with my plan.

I have enjoyed searching through the posts of other people, like myself, and offering them support through honest evaluation and sharing my own experiences with them.

Hi Lud

Can I add one quick thing to what the excellent advice Newme gave you about working on breaking compulsive chains.

Ideally we want to break them as quickly as possible - in your example, not getting into a row with your wife or saying something mean.

But if there is one thng we all know here, life aint that easy. We need to aim for perfection, but prepare for our actual frailties.

So it is always worth questioning each stage of your chain and asking, What could I do here to trigger awareness, stop the progression, move away and begins some positive thinking.

I found this really helped. It is worth sitting with the list and almost role playing this.

If I dont stop at stage 1, then what?

and so on.

I will have a proper read of your thread which looks good. But I wanted to add that.

Shaw

Lesson 66

This morning I left the station feeling drained emotionally because of "triggers" that I had experienced. I texted my wife about it. When I read the lesson... I got it. I have always thought of my triggers as being in the range from annoying all the way to controlling. But very few times have I allowed them to be a tool in my recovery. This really takes a huge leap for me in my recovery! The underlying fear that I have in me saying "better watch out" for what is around the corner is dying. It is nice to have thought controlled actions, rather than emotionally guided ones. This I have embraced. I believe that men have struggles in every day life to try to be sinless. (and that is not going to happen). But I know that my compulsive behavior is not necessarily the same thing as a second look to a pretty woman, or lying to someone, etc... And that it is an unsuccessful way of managing my life and emotions. I can use this.

Triggers --
Visual porn of any kind
Random thoughts of sexual situations
Flirtatious talk from a woman
Anger at my wife

Lesson 67 Poly Addictions

I will be monitoring my ability to handle stressful situations in my life, particularly the kids and some of the decisions my daughter is making currently. I lost it with her the other night. The other situation that is going on right now that is stressful is that my wife is going through some health issues that are unknown. She has been very stand offish with me lately. There has been no sex in quite some time and she is not really opening up to me about these things. I sense that there is something between us. I have spent a lot of time trying to prepare myself for a discussion with her and how to be understanding, loving and not critical. These are listed on my weekly monitoring.

Lesson 68 Anger and Rage

Mapping:
Wife and I are discussing forgiveness. I ruined some of her shirts in the wash accidentally. I told her I was sorry. She mentioned it several times after that. I finally asked her why she has not forgiven me and her reply was that I have not replaced the shirts and she will not be forgiving me until an effort has been made to replace them. For some reason, this made me angry. I felt the anger begin to well up inside me. After a brief exchange where I tried to make a parallel situation (that did not work), I shut down and did not talk anymore. It was a conscious response because I knew that the emotion was too high and I did not think that I would be able to control it if I spoke anymore. I sat there for a while and tried to process the situation. I came to the conclusion that although I do not agree with her way of forgiving me, I would do no good trying to change her. I made the resolve to meet her where she is on this and take her shopping for some shirts this weekend. I want her to forgive me, but my main motivation is for her to be able to "close the window" on this. In order for that to happen, I must make the effort to right my wrong, and not just ask for the thing that I need.
Elements:
- made several attempts to say I am sorry
- felt unappreciated and disrespected that she was not forgiving me
- became angry that I did not receive forgiveness
- tried unsuccessfully to change her mind to my way of thinking
- felt anger well up
- stopped communicating
- resolved within myself
- did not communicate myself to her about this