Recovery Nation

Lesson 28

1. Develop a compulsive chain of your most recent acting out behavior.

2. Upon completion of this chain, review it to ensure that you can recognize the way that each element affected your emotional state.

3. Thinking as an addict, look for areas within this chain where you could add additional destructive elements that would have (most likely) increased the overall stimulation of the event. The actual events that you add should be realistic, and related to the chain itself. For instance, someone viewing porn might add the element of setting up a Power Point slide show of the images. Someone engaging in escort services might add the element of videotaping the encounters. Share these in your recovery thread.

While this is not my most recent acting out behavior, it is the one that I feel that I could have expanded on in the way that the lesson calls for.

Ritual: Masturbating while looking at pictures of my S/O

01: Feel sexually aroused emotionally.
02: Begin to feel like masturbating might help.
03: Internal struggle with self about behaving in a healthy manner.
04: Begin looking at pictures of S/O to become physically aroused.
05: Begin to masturbate while looking through pictures.
06: Fantasize and remember sexual encounters with S/O while continuing to masturbate.
07: Masturbate to orgasm.
08: Clean up.
09: Feel shame and guilt for having masturbated.

I can see in this chain where adding into it looking at other pornographic material and possibly adding the act of watching video into it may have been a way to add more stimulation.

Lesson 29

The role of emotions in motivating behavior is a critical aspect of understanding addiction. Without emotions, addiction does not exists. Without that intense need, that desire, that craving...addiction does not exist. To better understand this principle, you are going to be asked to do something that will require a signficant emotional effort on your part.

A. Find a place where you will be alone and safe. Ensure that, for the next fifteen minutes, you won't be interrupted for any reason. Fifteen mintues (or longer, but not less than). Then close your eyes and just feel. Think of things that are important to you. Think of your values. Think of your regrets. Think of trauma that you have experienced. Think of wonderful moments. Let yourself experience whatever emotions that come freely. Focus on each of the emotions, and DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES! (this is an important part of the exercise). Stay in touch with the feelings. Experience the emotions that come with these thoughts. Forget about your physical self...focus only on the emotions that you are experiencing.

Now, consider one of your milder compulsive behaviors. Try to get in touch with the feelings that are generated with this behavior. If you find yourself getting triggered to act, forbid yourself. Then focus on the anxiety that is produced with that decision. Really allow yourself to get in touch with the stress that is building. Consider the reality that, either during this exercise or soon thereafter, you will face the challenge of deciding whether or not you should act on these feelings. Begin to feel the consequences of both your decision to masturbate, and your decision to remain committed to recovery.

After you have done this for fifteen minutes (or longer), and before you engage in any compulsive behavior, open your eyes and complete the following:

A. Describe the emotions that you experienced and the thoughts that triggered them.

B. In assessing your own anxiety, describe the extremes of your personal experiences with anxiety. What has been the least anxious state you have experienced and the most extreme anxious state you have experienced?

A:
The first thing that came into my mind was my S/O. I had feelings of happiness and warmth. I remembered time that we spent alone just absorbing the love that I feel for her. This led me to thoughts of my children and the joy that I feel in watching them grow up. In the memories of them as babies and playing in the park with them when they were younger. This made me think of my family and my childhood with them, how innocent and full of joy and naivety I was.Remembering riding bikes through the streets together and going to the pizza place when my dad would get paid. Just feeling happy in all of the good memories that I have.

I then considered my porn addiction and tried to allow those feelings. I felt all of the happiness and joy begin to slip away and it became replaced with loneliness and fear. What if something happened to my children, my family, my partner? I felt shame at not being able to help them. I began to feel sad and alone. The same helpless feeling I got on the first days of school in a new place. What if nobody likes me? What if someone did hurt or try to hurt them? Am I strong enough? Am I brave enough to stop it? What if someone assaulted them like I was? What would I do? Would my kids end up with my addiction too or could I protect them if the same thing happened to them? I feel so scared that something bad will happen and I won't be there to help, or even worse I won't be able to help. This led me to think about things that I could do if that ever happened. I need to get better. I need to be a better person so that I can make sure that the people that I care about can be safe.

B:
The least anxious state for me is the one that I am or have been in most of the time. I generally feel so emotionally detached that nothing matters to me. In this state I experience very little feelings, good or bad, I just exist. Whatever happens is going to happen. I am learning now that this is generally how boredom is able to creep in and the desire to quell that boredom can sometimes lead to acting out.

The most anxious emotional state that I can think of, the one that comes to mind, is when I was sexually assaulted. The overwhelming fear and panic, the feeling of helplessness. Followed by the shame of not being able to stop it, and of having to hide it.

I know that these two extremes are connected. When I am feeling, I am vulnerable to feeling fear and panic, so I feel emotionally numb most of the time so that I don't. I have built up a wall around myself and not allowed others in. This has led me to feeling more isolated and thereby isolating me more. I have a hard time letting new people into my emotional areas and I know that this has caused many of the problems that I experience. I have been working on destroying this "mask" or dual identity that I present to the world and trying to become one whole person. As we all know, this is a very difficult endeavor.

Lesson 31

A) Stressors
Boredom:Severe
Recovery:Severe
Sexuality:Moderate
Not Seeing Kids:Severe
Chores:Mild
Money:Mild
Work:Mild
Loneliness:Extreme

B) Looking at my list of stressors, I can clearly see that all of them are related to my top 15 values. Whether it is being able to work on them or the inability to achieve them at this point in my life. I think that the majority of my stress comes from not being able to achive these values and the pursuit of them.

c) I definitely feel as if the meaning and stimulation in my life is being gained through my top values. However, right now the stress I receive from the pursuit of these values outweighs the meaning being derived from them. I know that as I get further into living my values and things begin to settle, that my emotional state will begin to level out. The removal of negative influences and coping mechanisms has left an imbalance and only through working within my values will a permanent balance be achieved.

Lesson 32

1. Early in the workshop, you created approximately fifteen 'proactive action plans' that were intended to list specific steps to take to strengthen certain values that are important to you. Return to these action plans and for each, review your progress. Summarize your progress on your recovery thread.

2. Update your Proactive Action Plans as needed.

Review your progress:

1: I want to be happy with myself.
I fell I am keeping up with some of the stuff here. My hygiene has gotten better. I have not been very good with the health part. I still drink soda, although I have cut it almost in half. My smoking has not improved yet (going to work on this eventually). I am trying to be honest with myself and be wary of situations where I may be unconsciously deceiving myself. I think I am doing very well with values based decisions. I haven't made any progress in the fun/spontaneous department, mostly due to the strain of recovery itself.

2: Be open and honest with my significant other.
I feel like I have made progress here, in being more open and honest. I believe that I am accepting responsibility for my actions and I'm trying to talk about recovery openly, although sometimes it's hard for me to do so.

3: Feeling connected to my own feelings.
I am felling more connected than before. I believe that being able to share has helped me. I do still need to find some books on emotions and emotional awareness.

4: Strengthening the relationships that I have.
Doing some work on this, but things are not going well. It always seems as if there is not enough time in the day to work on recovery, rebuilding a relationship, and everything else that needs done.

5: Self Discipline
I am using my proactive action plans and doing very well. I am still working on boundaries. Many are getting better, but some I haven't even touched. Gaming for one hasn't even come back into the picture, so there's no way to work on those boundaries. My finances are getting better but could use some work. There's not much time for hobbies, and my internet usage has drastically decreased, I rarely use the internet anymore and most of the time with an intent, such as checking movie times or paying bills, etc.

6: Spending time with my children.
Getting better, but it is definitely not where I want it to be. Summer is coming though and I'll be able to see them more during the week.

7: Live an exciting life.
Nope......nothing here, although I would love to work more on this. Just need to be aware of "instant gratification" mentality and try to work into excitement slowly and carefully. I'm not quite ready to tackle this yet.

8: Loving others
I'm progressing here. I've had some setbacks trying to be open with my older brother, whom I was very close to, so I've put the idea of being fully open to others (for clarity I mean people who are not aware of my struggles) on the shelf for now. I'm still trying to be open to giving and receiving love, I just don't feel that trying to be emotionally exposed to anyone new is the right thing to do at this point in my recovery.

9: Building things
I was doing well here, finding projects to do for fun, then I had to remodel the bathroom. Not a project for fun, it was a job that needed to be done. It caused some stress and some burnout, but I'm recovering and getting ready to find a fun project soon.

10: Honesty
I feel like I am doing good here. I'm unraveling my previous tendency to lie and mislead, and I believe that I am making progress in being honest to others. I am also making progress in being honest with myself. I am trying to look at things and think through them to see if there are situations where I am deceiving myself.

11: Patience
Doing very well here. I have become more patient and understanding of many things, not just recovery related issues. I think that it has a lot to do with genuinely caring about others for a change. I notice that the more I am able to feel my emotions and deal with them, the more I am able to understand others and thereby be more empathetic and patient.

12: Playfulness
Not a lot going on here. I feel so busy and wrapped up in everything that there really is not much time to relax and have fun. This should change as things begin to settle down and stabilize.

13: Validating other people
I think that this is getting better, also as a result of me feeling and dealing with my emotions in a healthier way. It still needs a bunch of work, but I think I am starting to understand validation more.

14: Developing sustained friendships
There is absolutely nothing going on with this. I have not me or tried to meet any new people and I think that it is a wise choice for me not to develop friendships until I am further along in recovery.

15: Having a healthy sex life
Nothing going on here either. I am working on rebuilding an intimate relationship and sex is not a part of that right now. We are barely in the fledgling stages of trying to rebuild a life that I destroyed.

So in summary; I think that I am working on a majority of my top values. Some of them have fallen to the wayside, but those are things that I think need a little more time and further progression before I can even begin to start work on them. I feel that my values and proactive action plans are where they should be, and I will continue to work on my values and living in a healthy way.

Hey Crow

Hope all is well. Some v interesting stuff in your recent posts. I thought I would chime in on a couple of issues.

Here is a big one:



First, don't stress on this gap between your values as abstract ideals and your values as you practice them. Or between your values and let's call them your vices. You have probably worked harder on yourr vices in recent times - like all of us - so it is not surprising they are stronger.

Think of those decatheletes that are great at running and jumping, but then find they can't throw the javelin more that 12 inches!!!

It takes time to turn your life around. In part because this stuff is hard. In part because we are out of touch with our values. In part because practice - trial and error - is the only way to learn anything.

That is why there is so much emphasis here on the practical nature of recovery. In my own case, I had no idea really what I meant by many of my values - time, integrity, honesty, love. The only way to learn waas to design action plans that I thought represented each one - givve them a try. See if they worked. And then refine the action plan if they didnt.

This is not an excuse to screw up. More tthat we have to risk a bit. We also have to do a bit. I found I actually would try out ideas on friends, family and strangers. I would use them to experiment with ideas and plans. Try out honesty - or time-keeping.

The other thing that struck me was:


These are all good practical targets that will help make you feel better. but don't overload yourself by doing all at once. Concentrate on what at a time. Don't create undue stress for yourself by aiming too high, falling short, feeling bad and then acting out.

Try one - master it. Take your time. Feel confident. And them move on. Luckily I had quit smoking before I cam ehre. I am not sure how hard both would have been,

At the same time, Values-based recovery can help you with all form of addiction. The first act is to stop. The second is to start positive plans.

Take your time. There is no rush. Learn to focus one at a time. And then brring all the skills together.

Well done tthough.

Shaw

Lesson 33 - Day One

Had a pretty emotional day yesterday. I found that when my SO is in a bad mood it tends to put me on the defensive still. I know that I hurt her and she has every right to be mad or upset at me, but sometimes I feel as if she is attacking me. I know this is not a good place for me to be in. I ended up walking away from the argument in the beginning to mow the lawn, that was probably not the best thing to do, but I was trying to give us both time to calm down. It ended up backfiring and we both ended up more angry. I am sad for her and all of the emotional turmoil that I'm putting her through. Looking back I can see some things that I could have done differently to help the situation. I felt ignored for a lot of the argument and I am pretty sure that it was just me and not what was actually happening. I know that I have a long way to go in order to reach a point where disagreements don't turn into arguments.

So I guess my insights for the day include; I am not healthy, I still tend to shut down when confronted some times, and just because I'm feeling ignored does not mean that I am being ignored. I need to slow down and listen more attentively and think through things more carefully, especially when I'm feeling upset or angry.

Lesson 34

A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:
When I was in my mid to late 20's often times the urge to look at porn would come up when I was driving around town for work. Once in a while I would give into these urges and allow my delivery route to take me near enough to a magazine shop for me to justify to myself going in and browsing the adult magazines. This was me allowing "immediate gratification" into my life and allowing me a chance to get into trouble with my partner and my employer. I allowed my need for immediate gratification to jeopardize my relationship and my livelihood, when I should have been making better decisions on how to use both my time and money.

B. As best as you can, describe the anxiety you feel when you are trying to NOT ACT on a compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Be specific. Compare it to other feelings of anxiety that you experience. The purpose of this exercise is to begin to define the limits of your emotions--and where your compulsive urges stand within those limits.
When I am trying not to act out it often feels like I am holding myself back. Like I am not doing something that I want to do. It feel fairly similar to the feeling I get when I need a cigarette, but am too engaged or too busy to have one. It's like an emptiness that needs to be filled inside of me. I know that acting out or having a cigarette is only going to fill that hole temporarily. I sometimes am able to shrug the feelings off, and sometimes it is quite persistent and will continually peek it's head in to taunt me for hours.

C. As best as you can, describe the feeling that you experience while you are engaging in a certain compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Is it a trance-like feeling? Is it a hyper-alert feeling? If someone could get inside your mind as you were experiencing such a ritual, what would they find?
When I am engaging in compulsive behavior it is often a trance-like feeling. As if nothing else that is going on matters. The thoughts seem to muddle everything to the point where I'm not thinking about anything else, not the consequences or the feelings behind it. It is not until after acting out that any of those things occur to me.

Hi Crow,

I wanted to drop in and offer you support as you prepare for your next lesson - Weekly Assessment. I reviewed your Daily assessment and it looks good. But I encourage you to really focus on the meaning of daily and weekly monitoring. This was an area that I must admit was difficult for me. It was difficult because I went through the lessons without really focusing on the values associated with the questions I asked myself. When I took inventory of my life, I found that I had been doing a pretty good job of completing the tasks, but I did not derive a whole lot of meaning or fulfillment until I made the decision to really grasp the meaning. When I did, I was surprised to find that I was uplifted and able to enjoy my accomplishments. Keep up the good work!

Lud

Hi Crow,
It looks like you have begun to grasp some of the elements involved in your rituals. And like Coach B said, the feelings you are experiencing as they begin. This will continue to be developed as you progress in the workshop. So great start! As addicts we learn to respond to certain uncomfortable feelings with compulsive behaviors. It seems that you are realizing that, and that's awesome! Keep it up!
Lud

Lesson 35 - Health Monitoring 2

Key Questions
Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment. Think specific actions you experienced, not general ideals.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go? As in, was there chronic stress/pressure I had to manage? Were there any major traumatic events? Any intense emotional events?

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage--how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior?)

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.

In addition to these I will be adding:
Question #5: Over the past seven days, what areas of communication did you work on? As in; Did you try to effectively communicate and with whom/about what? Did you feel that this communication went as planned? Did you see any areas where your communication techniques could be improved? What will you do to improve them?

Question #6: Over the past seven days, how much time did you spend on recovery work? Are you satisfied that you spent enough time working on lessons?

Question #7: Over the past seven days, how much time did you spend implementing recovery into your daily routine? Are you satisfied with the results of actively integrating recovery into your daily activities?

This, I hope is a good start to my weekly monitoring. I have also got a list of other things that need to be worked on and eventually rotated into my weekly monitoring. I included these questions first because I felt as if they wee the things that needed the most attention. As they become more ingrained I will switch them out with others. I will begin my monitoring immediately and post the first week sometime midweek next week and hopefully remain vigilant and post my monitoring up every week for the foreseeable future.

Lesson 36 - The Role of Boundaries

I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

I know that not having clearly defined boundaries about internet usage has allowed me to surf the internet for pornographic images. The consequence of not having these boundaries has been intense and very damaging to me. It has allowed me to create a pattern of unhealthy behaviors that I had struggled to maintain and am now struggling to correct.

II. Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

I believe that I have been using masturbation as a mood stabalizer and I have decided to no longer use myself this way. I will confront and deal with my feelings in a healthy and constructive way.

Hi all,

Just wanted to post an update and make myself accountable to this community for my lack of presence in recent months. I know that it has been a while since I have posted. Procrastination is a very important obstacle that has stood in my way for a very long time, and one that I aim to "nip in the bud." I have worked on many things in the last few months including both procrastination and passive aggressiveness. I can say that I wake up every day feeling a bit better than the last. Every day I feel myself getting further and further into this journey towards health. I may not be able to see the end yet, but I know it is out there.

This however is not a good reason for me to not do my lessons. I have seen in myself the importance of these lessons, especially after working through a couple more in the last week. If I do not complete my lessons, I know that I cannot expect to continue on this journey that has already increased the quality of my life and the lives of everyone I care for. So I have worked out some action plans for my recovery and for holding myself accountable for my actions. Hopefully, these plans help me to stay off of these plateaus that I keep hitting and allow me to consistently continue forward and climbing towards my goals.

Also, as a side note of recognition, over the last few months I have almost eliminated soda from my diet and cut my smoking down significantly. Thanks to the encouragement from this community for helping me see that I had the tools here to accomplish those two very important goals for me. Maybe that doesn't seem like much, but I have gone from drinking a 2-liter of soda a day, to having only the occasional sugary drink maybe once a week. My smoking has gone from nearly a pack and a half a day, to somewhere in the neighborhood of 3/4 of a pack a day. I know that it's not quitting, but I decided that I do enjoy my cigarettes and have decided to bring it down to a level that is more acceptable to me. My end goal here is to cut down to about half a pack a day. Maybe at some point I will feel the need to quit. I am feeling healthier than I have felt in a long time, now if I could just work out more consistently. I feel an action plan coming for that soon.

Thanks to this great community for helping me on this otherwise nearly impossible journey.
Crow

Lesson 37 - Identifying Personal Boundaries

I. List three of your highest values (values prioritized within the top five).
Personal Value 1. I want to be happy with myself.
Personal Value 3. Feeling connected to my own feelings.
Personal Value 5. Self Discipline.

II. For each value, list at least five concrete boundaries (rules) that you will use to protect that value.
1) I want to be happy with myself.
Rule 1-I will do things that I enjoy.
Rule 2-I will take care of my body.
Rule 3-I will make decisions that I can be proud of.
Rule 4-I will keep myself clean.
Rule 5-I will maintain my values.

3) Feeling connected to my own feelings.
Rule 1-I will acknowledge my feelings.
Rule 2-I will reflect on my feelings.
Rule 3-I will not be ashamed of my feelings.
Rule 4-I will learn more about feelings.
Rule 5-I will practice meditation.

5) Self Discipline.
Rule 1-I am responsible for my own decisions.
Rule 2-I will not give in to unhealthy impulses.
Rule 3-I will manage my finances better.
Rule 4-I will be responsible with my spare time.
Rule 5-I will spend my time with people in healthy, pleasant ways.

III. Absolute boundaries are those boundaries that under no circumstances will you ever cross. These must be realistic AND you must hold them in reverence. Typically, everyone should have at least three such absolute boundaries. List three that you will use to help manage your life.
Absolute Boundaries
1) I will treat people the way that I want to be treated.
2) I will be honest with myself.
3) I will succeed at living a healthy life.

Lesson 38 - Developing Healthy Boundaries

I. Review the boundaries created to protect the values listed in the previous lesson.

II. Consider at least two situations where this value may be threatened. Are the existing boundaries enough to protect against this threat?

Situation 1) Feeling guilt over making bad decision(s).
I do believe that there are boundaries in place for when this happens. I need to
1) Take responsibility for my actions. then
2) Acknowledge and reflect upon my feelings. and most importantly
3) Treat others the way that I would want to be treated in regards to the situation. Be honest and work through the situation.

Situation 2) Anger, or being in an argument.
I believe that these situations are the easiest for me to fall in to and the ones where I tend to cause the largest amount of damage to both myself and others. I know that the first thing that I need to do is slow down and think. I need to ask myself the following questions when I feel that these situations may be occurring.
1) Is it worth fighting about?
2) Am I taking things wrong?
3) Am I seeing things correctly?
4) Am I approaching things in a healthy way?

I believe that there are many boundaries in place for this. Many of my goals in recovery revolve around working on my anger and passive aggressiveness. I believe that conquering these things is paramount in all of my recovery efforts.

III. If not, evolve your boundaries so that they are capable of allowing you to manage those situations.

Lesson 39 - Healthy Sexual Boundaries

Step 1 Take Inventory of Your Current Sexual Values
Masturbation can be healthy.
I want my partner to orgasm when I have sex.
Sex should be enjoyed.
I only have sex with people I am in a relationship with.
I enjoy giving and receiving oral sex.
Women's underwear turn me on.
I enjoy being touched.
Anything consensual is ok during sex.
I enjoy being dominated sometimes.
I like to be told or shown what to do.
I like to take control sometimes.
Being sexual is perfectly natural.
It is ok to have sex without orgasm.
I like it when my partner initiates sex.
Sex can increase intimacy.
I become insecure if I orgasm too quickly.
I am afraid to express some of the thing that I want sexually because I fear being rejected.
Sometimes I feel like a pervert.
I worry about losing my erection during sex.
I like small breasts.
I think about sex a lot.
I would have sex almost every day, if I could.
I enjoy sex with my partner.
Masturbation does not keep me from wanting sex.
I like watching people touch themselves.
I have to see my partner enjoying sex to enjoy it.
I enjoy physical feedback during sex.
Toys are fun to use during sex.
I enjoy a lot of touching during sex.
I like my partner to be vocal during sex.
I like to have sex with the lights on.
Sometimes I like not being able to see what is happening.
I like being able to see what is going on during sex.
I like to wake up to my partner initiating sex.
Sometimes I cannot sleep if I want sex.
I like having sex when there's a chance of getting caught.
I would not have a one night stand.
I will only have sex with my partner.
I will only have sex if I want to.
Sex is an expression of love.
Sometimes after sex I feel insecure.
I get upset if I don't last long enough.
Sex can be a spiritual experience.
I like kissing my partner.
I like cuddling with my partner after sex.
I'm afraid to express what I want during sex.
The satisfaction I get from sex only lasts a day or two.
Variety is good for a healthy sex life.

Step 2 Define an Ideal Ending
I will be a compassionate, considerate sexual partner.
I will not engage in sexual behavior that I know or believe to be high risk for destructive consequences.
I will not engage in sexual behavior that violate the boundaries of myself or my partner.
I will only engage in sexual activities that are consensual to all parties involved.
To have a healthy and loving sexual relationship with my partner.

Step 3 Define a Beginning
Masturbation can be healthy.
Sex should be enjoyed.
I only have sex with people I am in a relationship with.
Being sexual is perfectly natural.
It is ok to have sex without orgasm.
Sex can increase intimacy.
I enjoy sex with my partner.
I would not have a one night stand.
I will only have sex with my partner.
I will only have sex if I want to.
Sex is an expression of love.
Sex can be a spiritual experience.
I like kissing my partner.
I like cuddling with my partner after sex.

Step 4 Define Your Existing Vulnerabilities.
My partner and I are both struggling due to my addiction and there is a lot of work for both of us to do in to recover and heal.
Feelings of rejection, feeling unappreciated, unattractive, undesirable, there is a lot of work for me to do to find myself and my sexual identity.
I have many insecurities to overcome.
An abundance of stress and lack of ways to relieve the stress.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development.
Being sexual is perfectly natural.

Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value.
Feeling aroused or turned on is ok.
I will only engage in healthy sexual behaviors.
I will not be resentful or angry if my partner does not want to engage in sexual activities.
I will not resort to compulsive or acting out behaviors.