Recovery Nation

Lesson 1: A. 1. I have committed myself to change through a 12 step program, starting last June, and I'm excited about the prospect of making fundamental changes in the way I behave in relationship, not just in abstinence from compulsive sexual behavior. 2. I've come to see that withdrawal into depression out of guilt and shame is just another form of acting out that takes me away from being present. I don't want guilt and shame to undermine my recovery to a healthy, grounded sense of being. 3. I'm impatient to change. When I started the 12 steps I wanted to go quickly through them to "get finished," but have discovered with my sponsor's help that it's the process that makes the difference, no matter how long each step takes.
B. Reasons: 1 I'm grief stricken at the pain I've caused the women I've loved. 2 I know I've got to find the inner resources and wisdom to "fill the hole" I've felt in my soul. 3 I don't want to continue to debase the way I think about women by fixating or objectifying them. 4 I don't want to support the porn industry. 5 I want to heal from the shame I feel about my compulsive behavior. 6 I want to become a trustworthy partner to my wife. 7 I want to actually let myself feel and enjoy the love offered to me, instead of deflecting it or closing myself off to it. 8 I'd like to create healthy ways to use my time instead of wasting it on sexual obsession. 9 I'd like to model healthy sexual attitudes for my children and grandchildren. 10 I like to model healthy attitudes towards women in the face of rampant sexualization in our society. 11 I want to be rigorously honest after a lifetime of habitual lying. 12 I'm motivated by the thought of establishing an intimate relationship with God. 13 I want to heal the divisions between male and female that rupture our culture. 14 I want to help heal my wife's trauma, and I need to become healthy to do that. 15 I want to connect to my feelings more readily and share them honestly.
C. I've been invoking the notion of pure innocence in my recovery work for the past few months, visualizing the white vortex spiralling down into my soul. I want to experience the joy and excitement of a child again in opening to life's experiences, as well as the spontaneity of feelings children express.

Thanks for the response, Kenzo. I've been absorbed in the drama of my floundering relationship with my wife, as well as primarily working on a Sex Addicts Anonymous 12 step program, so I didn't get started on this workshop right away. I'm determined and committed now to work the lessons regularly.

Lesson 2: My Personal Vision - I'm 65 now, so the notion of mortality is more real to me now than earlier in my life. I've been blessed to have had fulfilling work that allows me to achieve results that are satisfying and socially relevant. However, I can see how I have walled myself off from the love offered to me by my wives, children and friends, so my primary goal is to develop my capacity to love and be loved, particularly within my extended family. I want to be a kindly, protective and supportive husband, father, and grandfather. I also want to develop spiritually with a greater sense of presence and trust in the unfoldment of my life. I want to discover my purpose as a spiritual being, realizing my connection to the One while lovingly connecting with others. I would like to be of service to others struggling with sex/love addiction and to change the social norms of exploiting women sexually and economically. I want to bring an awareness of devotion to the balance of feminine and masculine energy in our culture, especially through outreach in my spiritual communities. I would like to recover a sufficient sense of sanity and emotional stability to be a mentor to others. Professionally, I would like to engage in third world development of safe drinking water and housing and community economic development, travelling and working abroad.

Hi Ulunick
welcome to RN
I do hope that you get the best out of the site but I wonder why it took you so long after enrolling to complete lesson 1

we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone

get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you
however



for now maybe it would be best to concern yourself and put your efforts into you

remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Lesson 2: My Personal Vision - I'm 65 now, so the notion of mortality is more real to me now than earlier in my life. I've been blessed to have had fulfilling work that allows me to achieve results that are satisfying and socially relevant. However, I can see how I have walled myself off from the love offered to me by my wives, children and friends, so my primary goal is to develop my capacity to love and be loved, particularly within my extended family. I want to be a kindly, protective and supportive husband, father, and grandfather. I also want to develop spiritually with a greater sense of presence and trust in the unfoldment of my life. I want to discover my purpose as a spiritual being, realizing my connection to the One while lovingly connecting with others. I would like to be of service to others struggling with sex/love addiction and to change the social norms of exploiting women sexually and economically. I want to bring an awareness of devotion to the balance of feminine and masculine energy in our culture, especially through outreach in my spiritual communities. I would like to recover a sufficient sense of sanity and emotional stability to be a mentor to others. Professionally, I would like to engage in third world development of safe drinking water and housing and community economic development, travelling and working abroad.

Lesson 3: My Values
1 Increase my awareness of my impact on others
2 Become aware of my feelings and express them honestly
3 Perceive clearly what my wife is experiencing
4 Acknowledge all communications directed to me
5 Be present with others when they are experiencing emotions, especially with my wife
6 Develop empathy and compassion for the experience of others
7 Communicate my love for others verbally and in my behaviour with them
8 Connect regularly with friends and family by phone and writing
9 Model patience and understanding for my children and grandchildren
10 Be respectful in my reactions to the opinions and behaviour of others
11 Develop regular habits of sitting meditation
12 Care for myself physically regularly through yoga and pilates
13 Nurture my own relationship with playing music
14 Connect with other musicians and play together
15 Become more engaged with the Sufi community
16 Participate regularly in Sufi events and teachings
17 Learn to pray in gratitude and humility daily
18 Be adept at managing investments to secure our retirement assets
19 Fully engage in my work with the County
20 Be of service within the 12 step community of SAA
Learn to play and have fun!
Make good use of my time by limiting unconscious/passive activities
Read more
Engage in conversation through exploring other persons' ideas
Become secure and present enough to not get defensive in the face of challenges
Respect the dignity and privacy of others, especially women

Hi Ulunick,

Great work on your vision and values. While short, your vision is to the point and covers several different areas of your life. As well, your values are similarly varied and look practical and realistic. You've started a great foundation for re-developing your life!

Keep up the good work.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Lesson 4: Prioritized Values

1. Develop empathy and compassion for the experience of others
2. Communicate my love for others verbally and in my behaviour with them
3. Be present with others when they are experiencing emotions, especially with my wife
4. Become secure and present enough to not get defensive in the face of challenges
5. Increase my awareness of my impact on others
6. Become aware of my feelings and express them honestly
7. Perceive clearly what my wife is experiencing
8. Be respectful of the opinions, requests and behaviour of others
9. Care for myself physically regularly through yoga and pilates
10. Model patience and understanding for my children and grandchildren
11. Acknowledge all communications directed to me
12. Learn to pray in gratitude and humility daily
13. Develop regular habits of sitting meditation
14. Connect regularly with friends and family by phone and writing
15. Learn to play and have fun!
16. Be adept at managing investments to secure our retirement assets
17. Nurture my own relationship with playing music
18. Connect with other musicians and play together
19. Become more engaged with the Sufi community
20. Participate regularly in Sufi events and teachings
21. Fully engage in my work with the County
22. Be of service within the 12 step community of SAA

Lesson 5: Revised Values to Live a Congruent Life

1. Develop empathy and compassion for the experience of others
2. Communicate my love for others verbally and in my behavior with them
3. Be present with others when they are experiencing emotions, especially with my wife
4. Become aware of my feelings and express them honestly
5. Pray in gratitude and humility daily, developing a constant spiritual attitude
6. Appreciate the natural environment
7. Be aware of my impact on the earth and try to minimize it
8. Become secure and present enough to not get defensive in the face of challenges
9. Increase my awareness of my impact on others
10. Have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with my wife
11. Perceive clearly what my wife is experiencing
12. Be respectful of the opinions, requests and behavior of others
13. Care for myself physically through regular yoga and pilates
14. Model patience and understanding for my children and grandchildren
15. Acknowledge all communications directed to me
16. Develop regular habits of sitting meditation
17. Connect regularly with friends and family by phone and writing
18. Foster respect and protection for women in our society
20. Be adept at managing investments to secure our retirement assets
21. Nurture my own relationship with playing music
22. Connect with other musicians and play together
22. Become more engaged with the Sufi community
24. Participate regularly in Sufi events and teachings
25. Fully engage in my work with the County
26. Be of service within the 12 step community of SAA

Lesson 6: Proactive Action Plan

Pray in gratitude and humility daily, developing a constant spiritual attitude
Get up early enough every morning to say the Morning Prayer and do the Purification Breaths
Make time at work to spend a few minutes meditating
Use eating as a reminder - meditate before eating lunch
Say the Serenity Prayer &/or the 3rd Step Prayer when I notice myself troubled emotionally
Practice surrender by putting my head to the ground (il la - la hu) - every night or when troubled
Use wazifas on the breath and in recitation to bring awareness present
Every night, say aloud a prayer before sleep

Appreciate the natural environment
Open my senses during the Morning Prayer
Contemplate some aspect of the weather every day
Take a walk or hike at least once a month
Make plans with Andrea and schedule ahead
Explore Marin County
Walk Sunshine daily and notice the trees

7. Be aware of my impact on the earth and try to minimize it
8. Become secure and present enough to not get defensive in the face of challenges
9. Increase my awareness of my impact on others
10. Have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with my wife
11. Perceive clearly what my wife is experiencing
12. Be respectful of the opinions, requests and behavior of others
13. Care for myself physically through regular yoga and pilates
14. Model patience and understanding for my children and grandchildren
15. Acknowledge all communications directed to me
16. Develop regular habits of sitting meditation
17. Connect regularly with friends and family by phone and writing
18. Foster respect and protection for women in our society
20. Be adept at managing investments to secure our retirement assets
21. Nurture my own relationship with playing music
22. Connect with other musicians and play together
22. Become more engaged with the Sufi community
24. Participate regularly in Sufi events and teachings
25. Fully engage in my work with the County
26. Be of service within the 12 step community of SAA

Lesson 7: More Proactive Action Plans

4. Become aware of my feelings and express them honestly
Pay attention to my physical feelings as indicative of something emotional going on
Realize that fear or anxiety usually covers up something deeper
Use the list of feelings that Tim gave me as a guide
Don't wait to understand the source feelings, or censor "bad" feelings
Don't blame someone else for what I'm feeling
Be willing to share my feelings, but pay attention to the needs of the other person

3. Be present with others when they are experiencing emotions, especially with my wife
Realize that the emotion of someone else is theirs, not about me necessarily
Acknowledge that they are experiencing an emotion and that it's ok with me
Ask her to verify or explain what she's feeling (don't assume I know what she's feeling)
Ask if there's anything I can do in response

10. Have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with my wife
Ask her if she wants to have sex (don't assume I know if she does or doesn't)
Risk surprising her with a sexual overture at some unusual times
Allow myself to be pleasured, as well as attending to her pleasure
Consider making a "date" for sexual union, then prepare with loving anticipation

1. Develop empathy and compassion for the experience of others
2. Communicate my love for others verbally and in my behavior with them

5. Pray in gratitude and humility daily, developing a constant spiritual attitude
6. Appreciate the natural environment
7. Be aware of my impact on the earth and try to minimize it
8. Become secure and present enough to not get defensive in the face of challenges
9. Increase my awareness of my impact on others

11. Perceive clearly what my wife is experiencing
12. Be respectful of the opinions, requests and behavior of others
13. Care for myself physically through regular yoga and pilates

Hi Ulunick,

Looking over your action plans, one bit of feedback is that you will want to be more specific in some areas, so that your action plans are easily measurable.

For example:



How often would you like to do this? What does regular mean to you? Twice a week? Daily? 45 minute sessions?



What's "early enough?" 6 am? 7 am?



For how long? How often (every day? every other day?)

Hopefully, from these couple examples, you can see how you should make them more specific. You want to concretely define such things while you're working to rebuild your life so that it's easier to follow, and harder to ignore or talk yourself out of. Avoid vagueness or ambiguities in constructing your plans as much as possible, as it just makes it easier to get confused or overwhelmed and not have a definitive plan. For example, I know that if I just said "Well, I'll wake up early enough..." there'd definitely be times where I'd sleep in and justify it to myself that "well, even though I slept in until 9, it's still kind of early..." Now, obviously, at times, that's okay...the point here is not to be a robot, but rather to add some structure and guidance to your life for things you want to accomplish.

Anyways, hope that helps. Your plans generally look pretty good, just could use a little refining.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Lesson 10:

I. Fortunately, I'm 8 months into 12-step recovery at this point, and I don't have any lies about acting out that I'm perpetuating. I'm rarely even tempted to look at attractive women now, thought that's the one area that is still sometimes problematic for me. I worry about looking at other women becoming a trigger for my wife if that should come up, especially while we're together. She is convinced the "reason" for my addictive behavior (pornography and fantasy) is that I'm dissatisfied with her, so any lapse in feeling attracted elsewhere becomes triggering for her.

II. I do NOT intend to continue to deceive my wife. I am learning to discern my feelings and share them spontaneously rather than avoid them as something to fear, and her response has been incredibly supportive. What's been a real issue between us, though, is her insistence on knowing "why" I acted out, and she doesn't buy the "I'm an addict" rationale. Especially troublesome was my fantasizing about women; I didn't visualize them naked or having sex, but I'd say to myself "I wonder what she would be like?" Or sometimes I'd just say "wow" or something similar at the sight of a woman particularly beautiful or sensual. I don't think I'm deceiving my wife about the reasons for my compulsive acting out - it was indeed compulsive and I lost control over the behavior. It was self-indulgence for sure, and disrespectful and hurtful to her, but I don't think my motivation was to hurt her, though she thinks it was hostility. I really don't know. So I don't intend to deceive but I really don't know if I am or not.

III. I have been in counseling for many years with many different therapists, and I always hid my addictive behavior. No more. I have been working recently with someone to whom I explicitly admitted my sexual behaviors and am working on understanding the foundation and source of my compulsive sexual acting out with pornography and fantasy.

IV. I don't have anything "stashed." I did, but I have gotten rid of the pornography VHS and DVD stuff - I ritually smashed them after praying for the release of all enslaved by the culture of pornography: the women and men actors, all those who seek out that scene, and the culture affected by that attitude towards women. I never had tagged those websites, and I wiped the computer clean anyway. I realize while writing this that I had withheld from my wife the password to a site I visited; I had forgotten about it, then found it in my office drawer and threw it away. The only thing remaining from my addictive period is some viagra pills, but my wife actually enjoys me using them with her sometimes and I had told her how I used to use them to masturbate.

Although it looks like I haven't been working Recovery Nation for awhile, I've actually been doing reading on more advanced lessons to prepare for my wife's pending departure on a 2 month business trip. I wanted to review strategies for preparing for relapse prevention and checked out Lessons 60 & 61. I realize it's out of sequence, and I'd appreciate some guidance on how to prepare for her absence while not damaging my progress in the program.

Hi Ulunick,

What I'd recommend doing is, rather than working on the relapse lessons (which almost implicitly assumes that you're going to relapse...so that the motive for working on these lessons is out of fear, rather than growth), what I'd recommend doing is taking the opportunity to plan for while she's away. 2 months is quite a long time, but it also gives you the opportunity to focus on your recovery, while also allowing you guys to work out a plan on how to maintain open communication while she is gone.

What's important here to realize is that in order to fully become responsible for yourself and managing your life, you will have to accept that there will be times that she won't be around, and where you'll have to become accountable to yourself for your own behaviour. So, see this as an opportunity to learn about yourself, rather than something to be afraid of. Make sure that you have your action plans updated, and that you know what you're going to focus on for the next two months. Make sure you do your daily and weekly monitoring. And, what you may want to consider is having reactive action plans for your rituals, to help guide your actions when urges strike. But, for the most part, proactive planning is what you want to focus on, so that rather than your focus being on preventing relapse, your focus is on self-improvement and growth.

Hope that helps.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Thanks, Boundless, your reply does indeed help. My interest in relapse prevention doesn't follow so much from fear that I'll relapse as it is a response to my wife's fears that I'll relapse. She has asked me how I plan to avoid relapse, and so I started looking into methods in the later Forum workshops.... I am looking forward to having more time available to work on this Forum and work my 12 steps program. My relationship with my wife has been incredibly stressful most of the time over the past 9 months. She was traumatized by discovering my internet porn use (on top of many other traumas throughout her life), gets frequently triggered, and I haven't done well responding to her when she's angry for sure, and even when she's really down sometimes. We plan to stay connected via Skype while she's away.

I've been away from Recovery Nation for a few weeks, during a particularly intense period processing issues with my wife. She left for 2 months work in Germany on Sunday, and my intention is to devote myself to intense recovery work while she's gone. She is reating more to underlying character issues in me now than anything directly related to my use of internet pornography, which caused the initial blowup between us. Now she's focused on evidence throughout our relationship of how I've been self-absorbed, deprecating towards her, resentful of her when in fact I was covering up my own discomfort with expressing myself truthfully, and especially my defensiveness in the face of her trauma, hurt and anger. I am still actively engaged in 12 step recovery work with SAA, though I'm stalled right now on my 4th step. I'm glad to be back into this material. Thanks for being here.