Recovery Nation

Lesson 24: Identifying My Compulsive Elements

I. Sensory (sight)
Sensory (sound)
Orgasm
Accomplishment
Other Drugs (alcohol, weed, viagra)
Fantasy ("natural" "blond" "mature" "couples")
Danger
Anticipation

II.
A.) Masturbation to on-line porn
1. anticipate an opportunity
2. if enough time, take a viagra
3. turn on the computer
4. make a drink
5. get tissue for cum
6. get alternative "safe" site ready in case I have to switch suddenly for secrecy
7. switch onto in-private browsing
8. bring up site
9. check opening screen for something interesting
10. go to a favorite category
11. start checking out clips for a promising one
12. while looking for the "right" one, start stroking myself
13. when I'm excited by a video, try not to cum right away
14. get to the edge of cuming
15. look for another exciting video
16. if the woman is cuming convincingly, take out my cock
17. start over when woman is begining to come, and try to come with her
18. cum into tissue and fold it up
19. close private browsing and check browsing history to make sure it's clean
20. throw tissue in garbage and cover it up

B.) Bringing Home a Porn DVD
1. anticipate an opportunity when my wife's away for the night
2. enter video store and case it to see if anyone I know is in it
3. enter the porno section
4. search for a "good" one, among the zillions of possibilities
5. go to the checkout while still looking for any acquaitance
6. minimize interaction with clerk
7. put DVDs in the trunk so they can't be inadvertantly discovered
8. be sure no one is home
9. bring in the DVDs when ready to view them, not before
10. take a pill, make a drink
11. change into nightshirt, get a tissue ready
12. have a normal TV show on in case I have to switch suddenly if someone comes
13. start the DVD
14. skip anything I don't like
15. when I find one I do like, start stroking myself
16. if she is exciting coming, go to the edge myself but don't cum yet to prolong it
17. keep track of where the "good one" is so I can come back to it
18. find another exciting one and go to the edge again
19. I'll either find one so exciting I can't help but cum myself, or I'll get bored and return one of the ones I liked before to make myself cum and end the session
20. throw the timmue in the garbage and cover it up
21. take out the DVD and put them back in my car trunk

Lesson 25: Compulsive Ritual

This is actually the hardest behavior for me to manage, much more than seeking out pornography. It's looking at women compulsively, on the street, in the store, at work sometimes, in groups, you name it, I'm oggling.

1. realize I'm feeling anxious, or bored, or even joyful
2. feel a woman's presence - sometimes it's even before I see her
3. get a general idea of whether she's attractive or otherwise interesting (nice hair, colored clothes, physical attributes, smile, face)
4. say to myself "ah, that's interesting" or "wow, I wonder what that would be like"
5. turn away to survey the area for whether I'm being observed
6. take another look at the woman, confirm "yea, that's really nice"
7. look away to feel non-chalant
8. go back to looking and stay fixated on her until I have to move or she moves out of sight
9. think to myself "my, my - that was nice"
10. feel good about what could have been

Lesson 26: Compulsive Elements

1. I had a skype session with my wife where she was critical and demeaning.
2. Became preoccupied with obsessive thoughts about how estranged she is from me
3. Began sarcastic, cynical and resentful dialogue with my wife in my mind
4. Take a walk to get out of the office for lunch to clear my head
5. Start noticing women are all over the place, crossing my path
6. Remind myself of abstinence commitment not to look at anyone three times or over 3 seconds
7. Find myself having to turn away from one woman after another
8. Feel angry about having to deny myself this behavior
9. Reflect on my state of mind and remember 12 steps tools: serenity prayer, 3rd step prayer, purification breaths
10. Return to the office after prayer and grounding practice

Lesson 27: Compulsive Chains

I. Simultaneous Rituals
1. On the way home, anticipate going on line to masturbate to porn
a. stop at the store to buy some gin
2. Once home, turn on the computer
b. while it warms up, make a drink
c. load up the pipe with weed to get high during the session
d. take a viagra pill
3. Go to a favorite site and start searching for something "good"
e. drink while going through the boring part of finding an exciting video
4. Start to get an erection and responding to a woman into sex
f. smoke some week to get more into the fantasy on the screen
5. Masturbating starts to get more intense
g. stop short of coming by using drink/smoke to increase stimulation and delay climax
6. Find another exciting video or replay a "sure thing"
7. Masturbate to climax, timed with woman's coming
h. celebrate success by making another drink

II. Back to Back Rituals
1. Spend the day checking out women in passing, anticipating masturbation session at night
2. Go from one to another in continuous "hunt" scanning for women to look at
3. "What would that be like?" over and over with each woman
4. Be in surveillance mode all the way home

1. Start on-line masturbation ritual outlined in I. above.

Lesson 28: Developing Chains

My last relapse behavior went as follows:

1. I got upset by messages from my wife while she was away that were reacting to and criticizing my prior addictive porn use.
2. I became convinced she was splitting up with me by reading it into her message.
3. Sadness and fear saturated my emotional state.
4. I started thinking about my recovery work, reflected on my recently completed 1st Step.
5. Thought about making amends to my old girlfriend Carolyn.
5. Thought about looking her up on-line to see if I could even locate her.
6. Started thinking about other old girlfriends, Vicki and Nancy, once I went to my old high school class webpage.
7. Looked up other old girlfriends.
8. Didn't find them and left the sites.
This was a relapse because I had defined sobriety, among more obvious things, as not looking for alternative relationships while married and working on my marriage.

I could have looked up images of my old girlfriends on the class website, and started fantasizing about them.
I could have masturbated at the memory of my relationship with Carolyn.
I could have tried to communicate with Carolyn to see if she was currently available.
I could have tried to connect with Carolyn whether or not she was in another relationship.
I could have continued to search for her many times over until I did find her instead of leaving it at the one night.

Lesson 29: role of emotions

A
Extreme regret, despondency and despair after Andrea's discovery of my porn use. I was a puddle of pain, completely disintegrated as a man, no sense of dignity, integrity or even identity apart from the monster she perceived.

Joy at the embrace of my beloved, pressing our hearts together and feeling the love orgasms emanating from our chests as we hugged one another close, with no thought to anything beyond "now," this breath.

Self satisfaction and pride in Andrea's approval of things I've built or repaired over the years.

Contentment while being with our grandchildren, feeling warmth and love at sharing this tender grandparenting as a partner to my wife.

Fear at the prospect of Andrea leaving me, feeling bereft of her validation of my being, feeling I'm a failure for losing her love.

Anger at being continually blamed for everything wrong in our relationship, now justified by my identity as a "sex addict."

B
I have felt an intense sense of anxiety lately after my wife told me she had sex with someone while on her business assignment. I imagine her engaging with him, showing him the same kind of loving openness she has shared with me, even though I know it was a one night stand that she has promised she will not repeat. He's even gone, yet I imagine her finding a new lover, and I sink into anxiety that disturbs my gut, tenses all of my muscles, and leaves me obsessed with thoughts of dismissal and abandonment.

My least anxious state has probably been related to work and the time taken in communicating with my wife when she's obsessed with my addiction.

Lesson 31:

A. The emotional stressors I experienced this past week were just about all related to tension with my wife.
1. Upset at her change of mood from Sunday night to Monday morning, and the rejection I felt - moderate stress.
2. Anxiety over not hearing from her on Friday night, raising bad memories of her acting out on a Friday night - moderate stress.
3. Reaction to Andrea saying "whatever" in response to my saying "I love you" - mild stress.
4. Some discomfort interacting with my older granddaughters and son while out to dinner to celebrate Madison's birthday - mild stress.
5. Feeling somewhat behind and negligent at work - mild stress.

B. Some values I am emphasizing and acting out in everyday life, and I think they help to stabilize my emotional response to stressors..
1. I want to be aware of and express my feelings.
2. I want to acknowledge other people's feelings, especially my wife's.
3. I want to remain present and not go unconscious to avoid difficult situations.
4. I want to maintain a regular spiritual practice and attitude.
5. I want to engage in physical self-care regularly.
6. I want to nurture myself with activities like playing music.

C. I think that I can stabilize my response to the stressors, particularly with my wife and our relationship, by actively pursuing activities in line with my values.

Lesson 32: Evolving Values

Looking back at my proactive action plans, I think I have done pretty well at implementing them. I really appreciate writing out the main things I want to do daily and reviewing them as I retire for the night; it's like doing a daily 12 step inventory, but focused. I am doing well in maintaining a regular spiritual practice, taking time at work to spend some meditation time in the spot I've found under the redwood trees. I haven't been meditating before eating, though.

Lesson 33: I'll post over the next few days as I deepen my awareness of my emotions.

I have just lost my writing TWICE on this damn site! I wrote 4-5 paragraphs once, and had it disappear, then I just wrote again, hit "submit" and the site made me sign in again and wiped out all I had written. Someone needs to fix this problem.

I figure I've done the exercise and written about it twice, so I'm moving on.

Lesson 34: Obstacles

A. When I had been married for about 4 or 5 years to my first wife, and our first son was 1 1/2 or so, I found myself alone at a spiritual retreat camp we had both attended many times. I met a woman who was a tantric yoga instructor, and I fell in lust with her. I was fascinated by the prospect of "spiritual sexuality" even though I realized it would be a betrayal of my marriage, a marriage I considered to be true love of the deepest spiritual quality I had ever known. I convinced this woman to have an affair with me for those few days at camp, though I felt enormously guilty. I felt I simply could not pass up that opportunity. It's also the case that I was angry with my wife for staying at home instead of coming to camp with me that year, because she found caring for our toddler child too difficult in the camp setting, but I didn't even acknowledge to myself that I was angry, let alone that I was acting out this betrayal as a way of getting back at her.

B. I still occassionally feel a pull to ogle women, and I struggle to resist that impluse. I get very anxious about controlling my urge to take a second or third look at a woman I find attractive or interesting. In the midst of this struggle I sometimes have negative thoughts about my self control and ability to recover from this compulsivity. The worst anxiety I feel, however, is in relation to my wife when I worry that she is leaving me, usually a fear not based on anything real. I become compulsively obsessed with thoughts of where she might be, what she might be thinking, who she might be with, how she's feeling about me - all a paranoid fantasy.

C. When I have viewed porn to masturbate, I become obsessed with finding the "right" woman on video, someone who is "natural" and "passionate" and even better "amateur" so I can feel good about the wholesome choice I make. Then I admire the beauty and passion like a connoisuer, while getting excited at the association with such a "good lover." As my own arousal heightens, I feel like she's loving me.

Lesson 35: Health Monitoring II

Daily Monitoring:
1. Today, I am going to look for opportunities to deepen my awareness of my needs and feelings, separate from what I think is wanted from me in relationship.
2. Today, I am going to look for opportunities to calm myself through breath practice, meditation and prayer.
3. Today, I am going to look for opportunities to pay attention to Andrea's health, feelings and needs.
I'll read my list each morning before going to work, and I'll assess this monitoring each night before I go to sleep.

Weekly Monitoring:
I particularly want to monitor whether I choose unconscious activities over healthy activities, such as watching TV over talking, writing, music or reading. In addition, I'd like monitor my reaching out to family and friends. I'll perform my assessment on Sunday each week.

Hi Ulu

Very interesting to read your thread. First up. I share your frustration with the site. I just wrote a lengthy post that vanished. It is advisable to write in a Word document and then copy over. I know we addicts tend to ignore this sort of good advice - I am doing so right now - but it is handy in this case. In fact, I am going to copy this over right now. A chance to learn a good lessson. Hi Ulu

What I lilke about your lessons is the sense of honesty – especially about your rituals. It can be hard to face the practical nuts and bolts of what we do. I hope that seeing how you go about creating a ritual – from emotion to start to porn to masturbation to orgasm – makes the ritual seem more fragile and easy to break.

The big question is how do we break it. First, look from afar. See each link in the chain as a chance to insert your healthy self. Each chain should not trigger the next stage in the chain, it should trigger your awareness. This can be guilt, embarrassment or something purer – a clear sight of what you are doing, and later why.

This first stage should be just practical. All about doing. But this should lead to deeper thought later

For eg

1 Emotion

2 Porn ritual

3. Awareness

4 Stop the ritual – this is hard

5 Stand up – move away – get somewhere away from emotional overload via porn

6. This creates a second stop – it also creates a space for clear thought

7 THINK – about what you arre doing, why and whatt you can do differently. Use your values. Ask – is what you are doing in line with those values.

Make monitoring a part of each day. It only takes a few seconds - ask basic questions. AM I ok? HOw am I feeling? Am I acting according to my values? What can I do if I feel I am acting against my values?

Reading your posts, I see a lot of anxiety surrounding your wife and some friction from conversations with her about your addition. I relate. Is your relapses due to the feleing of, What the hell, I am useless, there’s no hope, I might as well act out?

Or are you still connected to those sexual rituals? Have you not managed to break your reliance upon them? Be clear on this. Have you made some breaks with your sexual compulsions? Is it only under stress that you reach for them?

I guess I feel tthat division between your addictive self and the person you want to be? As we go through recovery, our relationship to our addiction changes, and it is worth analysing this. I would relapse in part out of frustration, anger and defiance. Also through a sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

The way out of this new cycle is to read about those compulsive chains. See how we created them – from negative emotion to fulfilment. That is how we see we can take control of them. Take responsibility for your bad actions and you can take responsibility for your positive ones.

Finally I think you are right to look at your broader behaviours. There is nothing wrong with watching the TV, as long as you are not doing so compulsively. I personally worry if I watch too much – it makes me passive, it connects me (however loosely) into that fframe of mind where I procrastinate and fantasise.

Reading, being creative, listening to music are good for the addict. They require (to my mind) a different and more active imaginative engagement with the world around you. We all want to break those cycles of self-attention. Fantasy is always about us and us only – when I used porn I was the only person in the room.

Seek those healthy activities. Seek contexts in which you can think clealy and calmly.

I hope this has helped slightly. I admire your honesty. I know you have some big issues. Seek ways to change your environment and the old ways of thinking about your emotions. If you do this, you can change your life.

Shaw

Shaw, I SO appreciate your message - I really need the support right NOW. I haven't relapsed with the explicity sexual complusive behavior that is the obvious manifestation of my addiction, but I am really more concerned about the emotional reactivity I get into with my wife. I get absorbed into fear and anxiety, then I act out emotionally with her, like being sarcastic, or presuming that any down feelings she's having are "about me," or thinking myself rejected when criticized and acting resentfully. You get the picture. I'm in a round of that with her right now. I get so frustrated with her focus on any reminder of my addictive self, so that she distrusts or discounts anything I do, even those things that I think well up from my healthy love and devotion to her. I am afraid that our marriage is failing, from my betrayal and her trauma - it's been almost a year, and we're still struggling.

Shaw, I didn't address some of your questions. I have broken my relationship with most of my compulsive behaviors; I feel free of pornography and flirting, and mostly free of checking out women in passing. I still feel that pull, but I am pretty immediately aware of the pull and can redirect my attention. There have been times when I think "aw, fuck it, why not let yourself enjoy the sight of women," particularly when I'm frustrated with my wife and feeling like it's hopeless to have her see in me anything but the addict now. That sense of hopelessness really fucks with my mind - I start questioning my motivation for recovery (am I doing this for her or for me?), for my loving gifts to her (as I just trying to manipulate her, or is this a pure expression of love?), and for my reasons for staying with her (am I addicted to sex with her, is that why I surrender my boundaries to her humiliation of me?). I'd love to hear back from you about these questions. I think they're probably basic to the process of recovery, but I'm freaked out about seeing such thought arise now, after many months of recovery work. Thanks again, Nick

Lesson 36: Boundaries

I. In the weeks after my wife first discovered my internet porn sites, she relentlessly insisted on knowing everything I had done, and in detail. My boundaries were so weak that I acquiessed and admitted to any and every thing I could remember, despite advise from my therapist to be very deliberate about these disclosures and to do them in a structured way. I really regret divulging details that I believe further traumatized my wife and that were not pertinent to being honest about my behavior. I also think I went overboard in my admissions and counted anything in my behavior that had the slightest shred of compulsivity about it; now my wife has a distorted view of what was truly active in my behavior. If I had the strength of boundaries to say "I will disclose all of my addictive behaviors when I have had a chance to better recall and understand them, and I'll do it in a therpeutic environment that will give you better support in absorbing it, I think we could have avoided some of the turmoil we've experienced this past year.

II. My wife can be very demanding and aggressive at times, sometimes in response to my immediate behavior, sometimes in reaction to her memories/trauma of prior experiences. I can feel attacked, blamed, belittled and mocked, which triggers immediate defensiveness in me which can turn to anger or rage if she doesn't relent and I can't escape. I need to establish a boundary so that when I feel my defensiveness or anger arising, I can withdraw physically from her. I state it as I did in order to take responsibility for my reactions rather than imply the reason for my need to take leave is solely her emotional outburst. I would like to be able to accept her feelings and expressiveness with understanding and acknowledgement; sometimes I can do that. Sometimes, though, I get activated and it never leads to a good resolution.