Recovery Nation

Lesson 37: Personal Boundaries

Become aware of my feelings and express them honestly
1. I will recognize when I’m experiencing an emotion.
2. I will determine if I’m emoting what I think someone expects of me, and if so, stop.
3. I’ll identify the emotion I’m feeling, and get below anything I’m using to cover up that true feeling (like anger to cover pain).
4. I will determine whether expressing myself is appropriate to the situation I’m in.
5. I will own my feeling and not blame someone else for “causing” it in me.

Develop empathy and compassion for the experience of others
1. Recognize when someone is experiencing something difficult or challenging.
2. Remember that their experience is not necessarily related to anything about me.
3. Set aside my own reactions to whatever is happening for the other person.
4. Attempt to imagine how I would feel in a similar situation.
5. Acknowledge what I hear to be the other person’s experience.
6. Share the feelings that come up for me about the situation for the other person.

Become secure and present enough to not get defensive in the face of challenges
1. Embody the Serenity Prayer in daily practice.
2. Realize that I deserve to be treated respectfully.
3. It is never acceptable to seek revenge for perceived slights or offenses.
4. It is never acceptable to go into rage, regardless of provocation.
5. It is ok to withdraw from a confrontation.
6. Withdrawing from a charged situation is preferable to acting out defensively or aggressively.

Lesson 38: Healthy Boundaries

I’m going to focus on two situations that actually happen with some frequency.

1. My wife gets triggered and starts to attack me verbally, calling me names and showing extreme anger by getting loud and approaching to close proximity, yelling in my face. I think my rules and values could establish an adequate boundary to deal with this situation.
• I could recognize that she’s experiencing something difficult or challenging.
• Remember that it’s not necessarily about me (even though she’s screaming that it’s all about me).
• Set aside my own reactions.
• Acknowledge what I hear to be her experience.
• Realize I deserve to be treated respectfully.
• It’s never acceptable to go into a rage myself.
• It’s ok to withdraw from the confrontation if it doesn’t recede.
• Withdrawing from a charged situation is preferable to acting out defensively or aggressively.

2. I start to worry about what my wife is thinking, since I haven’t heard from her, and I begin to feel anxious and fearful that she’s going to leave me.
• I need to recognize that I’m feeling anxious and fearful.
• Determine if I’m covering up some other thought or feeling.
• Determine whether what I’m feeling is appropriate to the situation.
• It’s never acceptable to seek revenge for perceived slights.
• Embody the serenity prayer.

Lesson 39: Sexual Boundaries

Step 1: Inventory of Current Sexual Values
• Having sex with my wife means she loves me
• I haven’t satisfied my sexual partner if she doesn’t have an orgasm
• My wife doesn’t want sex as often as I do
• I shouldn’t “need” sex
• My expectation of sex with my wife turns her off
• I should always be responsive if my wife wants sex
• Sex is the ultimate way to celebrate special events
• It’s better to be the giver than the receiver of sexual acts
• The best sex culminates in having orgasms together
• It’s not ok to resolve emotional upsets with my wife through sex
• Sex should involve mutual openness and joy
• Sex should involve a spiritual connection
• “Quickies” are ok and fun on occasion
• Sex with my wife without an emotional connection is “wrong”
• Affection is a prelude to sex
• Doing things for my wife, like housework and gardening, is a prelude to sex
• Sexual energy is always latent in our relationship and it’s good to play with it through affection and touch throughout the day
• Sex equates to connection
• Looking at other women doesn’t detract from my sexual energy for my wife
• My wife wants to know I find her sexy
• It’s important to my wife that I enjoy her sexually
• It’s important to me that my wife enjoys sex with me
• It’s important to me that I completely satisfy my wife sexually
• I want to always respect my wife’s boundaries and needs sexually
• It’s “normal” to have sex 2-4 times a week
• Anal sex is not as satisfying to my wife as vaginal sex
• Disclosing details of my sex with my wife is never permissible except in therapy
• Sex and/or affection with my wife in public places is exciting and shows she loves me

Lesson 40: Boundaries of Others

I. I'm choosing to do this exercise about my wife's boundaries. I think it's highly important for her to feel respected, and a boundary issue for her is feeling that her values are being respected and observed. It is particularly distressing to her if I disregard her values by my actions; e.g., my acting out with porn violated her values regarding respect for women and concerns about male dominance. It is important to her that I respect her emotional experience, i.e., don't try to talk her out of what she's feeling or judge it as "inaccurate." She has a strong boundary about her personal safety, both emotional and physical; she needs to know I'll respect her need for separation and space, as well as that I'll defend and protect her. I could help her maintain her boundaries by letting her know I see and hear what's so for her without judging those feelings, and by abstaining from arguing with her about whether she's wrong or right to be feeling them, or by not trying to talk her out of what she's feeling: just let her know I get it. As to her safety boundaries, I can make myself submissive or actually withdraw if I become angry; becoming submissive could be lowering myself physically or stepping back, especially from doorways or corners where she may feel trapped. If I take a time out and withdraw from her space or from the house, I also need to let her know I will return, so she does not feel abandoned and unsafe in that regard.

II.

Hi Ulunick,

You have been doing rather well without receiving much feedback aside from Shaw's last post. How are you doing in general? What are you still struggling with? Just a couple comments on your last message back to Shaw:



Why do you think this is? Why do you think the "pull" to compulsively look increases when you are frustrated with your wife? The answer is there, but I want to see where you are in terms of your understanding.



In my mind, the best way to tell as to whether you're doing it for yourself (if you're "getting it") is if your recovery is generalizing to all areas of your life and if you're actively pursuing your health, aside from just trying to improve your relationship. To give you a personal example here: in earlier recovery for me, the main focus of my recovery centred around my sexuality and my understanding of relationships. This is probably how most people start. Stop the porn, stop the masturbating, and things will be fine. Then somewhere along the way, it really did click with me that this was a foundational life management problem, rather than just a problem with porn. So rather than just focusing on identifying compulsive rituals and stopping them, I began to actively look at ALL patterns in my thinking and behaviour that were compulsive/unhealthy. This made me realize "Wow, this really does extend to all corners of my life." Despite this being discouraging, as you recognize how deep your problems really extend, this also puts you in a place to start actually solving them...as stress in one part of your life carries over into others, just like happiness in one part of your life carries over into others. If people maintain the myopic view of "abstinence-only" and focusing solely on their behaviours (ie. sexuality/relationships), they miss the fact that the stress driving those compulsive behaviours typically comes from ingrained patterns completely unrelated to the behaviours themselves. Until people realize this and start improving all areas of their life, they will continue to struggle, even if they can maintain abstinence.

Only you can tell whether you've gotten there yet or not, but if not, don't worry. And once you've gotten there, that will start to clear up concerns about your second two questions, as you will begin to filter and become aware of your intentions, and do things because you know they're right, not how they'll appear on the outside. As you go, just keep checking your intentions and ensuring they're as pure as possible and coming from your values. One thing though that has to be expected in this, because it is a learning process, is that occasionally, you will get burned. You will do things with the best of intentions and it may be the wrong action, or you may realize after the fact that your intentions weren't totally pure, even if you thought at the time they were. As long as you take these instances, learn from them, and revise your values, boundaries, plans, and understanding, while taking responsibility for what you did regardless of the consequences, then you are on the right track. It's when you keep getting burned in the same way repeatedly...or worse, you know what you're doing is wrong but do it anyway...when you should be most concerned.



Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Hi Boundless - PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS MESSAGE IF YOU CAN. I NEED HELP RIGHT NOW. Last night my wife was reactivated/traumatized around the one year anniversary of D-Day. She went online and read through my postings to this recovery thread and got even more traumatized by the level of detail I'd written about the chain of events in my compulsive rituals around porn and ogling. It was a horrible night. She became exceedingly angry and distraught and accusatory and was convinced I preferred the addictive fantasy to the reality of her body and sexual behavior. I told her over and over that my addiction is not about her, not about her, not about any presumed deficiencies in her or our relationship. She got more and more worked up, and I thought I'd try a technique to calm her trauma that we had done before: lying on top of her. But I totally botched it by not telling her what I wanted to do and just pushed her down on my bed, when she got terrified and was falling off, so I tried to hold her legs to keep her from falling, but then she got even more upset. Then I told her what I was trying to do and held her arms, but she was frantic and bit me. I thought I could "fix" what was going on for her, but I made it far worse. This morning she told me she felt like I was going to rape her. That was not anywhere in my mind, but I can see how she felt that way, especially since she was molested as a young child. I'm feeling extremely hopeless about our relationship, that she could think me a rapist, that she has polluted her mind with these images that she now compares to our lovemaking, that I am powerless over her traumatization and at the effect of her rage and distress. I try continual prayer to give over this situation to God, but I'm still in the middle of it. ANY HELP?

Hi Ulunick,

Okay, first of all, what both you and your partner must do is take the time to calm down. Neither of you will be able to make rational decisions while you're both emotionally chaotic like this. I would say, if possible, that you should get some space from each other, at least for a few hours, so that you can both calm down before you try to move forward.



This is a boundary issue. Had you guys previously discussed boundaries around reading of your thread? Some partners are okay with it, others don't want each other to read their threads; you guys must determine what your boundaries are around this. While you should be being open and honest about yourself with your partner (I am unsure if you have fully disclosed yet), you also have the right to privacy in regards to your thread, if you've established this boundary. Obviously, this isn't a discussion you would want to have right now, but it is something to talk about once you've both calmed down. It's understandable that given it was the one-year anniversary of your D-Day, she would be feeling very upset. However, she still remains responsible for what she does, just as you remain responsible for what you do.

At the same time, she is entitled to her feelings, and what's done is done in regards to her reading your thread. What I'd recommend in this situation if this happens again is not to try to "talk her out of it." If you're dealing with a person who has gotten explosively angry, you will not be able to talk them out of it. All you can do is try to get them to calm down and prevent the situation from getting worse, or separate yourself from the situation if at all possible until they do calm down. You should only converse with each other when you're both in a place of relative calm and control. Obviously when it comes to this, emotions will flare. But you want to separate yourself whenever someone gets to the point where they are clearly acting solely based on emotion.

When you talk about this from a point of calm, you should lay down boundaries for if this happens again ie. if either person gets so upset that they are irrational, you should both have the ability to say something like "I don't think we should discuss this now until we are both calm" and walk away...even if that means leaving the house for a bit, going for a walk/drive, etc. What you don't want to happen is for things to escalate because decisions were made based on irrationality or misperceptions that can be even more damaging. I would not recommend attempting to hold down anyone who is emotionally charged like this under any circumstance. It's understandable that this would be very upsetting/scary for her, and could be for anyone.

Also, remember: you can't fix your partner. You can only fix yourself and find health. At this point, your partner's recovery rests with her. You can aid that recovery by moving towards health yourself, but you can't fix her or be guaranteed to fix the relationship.

So what I would say is, wait until you are both calm, and use that time to prepare what you are going to say. I would suggest that an apology, at very least, is in order, and a recognition of her feelings. If the conversation escalates again with emotions, separate until you are both calm again (and lay that out from the beginning). And, continue with your own recovery and making values-based healthy decisions.

I am going to confide with CoachCheryl/CoachMel in regards to your post to see if they have any more advice in regards to your partner/relationship, as that is not really my area of knowledge.

Hope that helps.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Thank you so much for the reply, Boundless. I freely admit I was wrong to attempt to physically restrain her, and I understand why she went into fear of rape, and I have apologized and will continue to apologize. I was able to talk to my therapist who gave me very similar advice: calm down, set boundaries when we're calm enough to do that rationally, and get separation however I need to when I feel the energy getting out of control, either hers or mine. Of course, I'm wide open to the counsel of the Coaches you mentioned if they have additional advice. It's awfully hard for me to abstain from trying to fix the relationship, but I realize I must. I'm very close to wanting to get away from the relationship because of the drama and mutual verbal abuse that took place last night. I dearly love my wife and I want our marriage to endure, but you're right, I can only work on fixing myself. Thanks again for being there for me today. Nick

Dear Boundless - THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE FOR ME YESTERDAY. My wife and I had a couples counseling session yesterday evening that she was able to arrange. It was very deep in drawing emotional truths from us each. I could see how shattered she has been in her discovery of my behavior, how she doesn't know who I am, and the grief she feels about losing the husbank she thought she had. I go in touch with the deepest feelings of being unlovable. I think we're still digesting that experience and we haven't been able to talk about it (is there anything even to say about it? The feeling just are...). We did discuss some basic boundary issues. I will not touch her physically without her permission, and she will not intrude on my space when I want separation. I have found a place I can go at a friend's house if I need to leave the house.

To respond to some of the questions you raised in your initial post, I think my pull to ogle is a definite reaction to feeling anxious or fearful and a pull to cover over that discomfort with familiar, pleasureable behavior. As to my distrust of my motivation in recovery, I do realize that the addictive patterns I want to cure go far beyond the sexual acting out. I'm much more concerned about the ways I present myself to maintain some image of "perfection" rather than being honest in acknowledging my flaws and mistakes, a behavioral syndrome that extends beyond my marriage into all my relationships and activities. Upon reflection, I'm sure my motivations at this point are a mixture of authentic sincerety and some degree of manipulation, but mostly an honest projection of my desire to live in true connection.

Thanks again for your support and continuing encouragement.

Hi Ulunick,

Glad I was able to help and that things have calmed down and you've set some basic boundaries with each other.



Right. The "pull" comes from your emotional state at the time (anxious, fearful, hopeless, etc.), not the women that you're looking at. They may very well be attractive, but that compulsive pull is due to you trying to manage your emotions through scanning.



I'd say we all probably deal with this (trying to create an image of perfection rather than just being ourselves). This results from insecurity. We have become so tied up with what people think about us that we change our behaviour to how we "think" we should act, based on how we want others to perceive us. This creates a conflict between our values and our behaviour. The more confident you start getting in yourself, the more your values, emotions and behaviour will align with each other, and the happier you'll be.



This is okay; it's better that you're aware of this and being honest than just saying that everything is fine and your motivation is pure. Just keep your awareness high and realize situations where you are trying to manipulate other's perceptions of you (or even manipulating yourself), and course-correct as necessary while taking responsibility always. As you go along, look for these manipulations and get to the bottom of why you're doing them...write it out if necessary, write out action plans if necessary. As you untangle the web and live by your values, slowly this will work itself out.

As well, here is CoachMel's response to the incident which is similar to mine, though stated in a bit of a different way.



Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Thanks for the continuing feedback. Yes, I was trying to control her emotions, her hurt and anger, and I just wanted her to stop. Telling myself "I'll lie on her to calm her trauma," though based on a real prior experience, was lying about my lack of control in the face of her accusations and upset. I have promised her I'll never touch her again when she is activated without her permission, and I will never touch her when I am in anger. In addition, I completely acknowledge her right to summon the police if she feels unsafe, and I know that would really screw up my life.

I have a question: Is this response being accountable? I really don't know. As to making amends, I also don't have a clue about how to do that beyond what I've outlined above. I do indeed feel terrible about my actions; nothing justifies that physical abuse, regardless of whatever she may do (she has hit me, kicked me and scratched me before without my provocation). I am resolved to withdraw when she becomes charged with retraumatization, as well as when I'm activated with anger/rage. I need to leave the house when those situations occur. I want to assure her of her absolute safety, but that's hard to do after jeopardizing her safety like I did.

Thanks again for the perspective and feedback.

Lesson 40: Boundaries of Others

I. I’m starting over writing about my wife. I think her primary concern is to be seen and acknowledged for who she is, meaning what she does and says. This is kindred to her desire for respect that I initially wrote about, but is more fundamental for her. Being ignored is really painful to her, and to have someone (like me) substitute their own ideas about what’s going on for her is infuriating. She sometimes feels that I make up my own story about her needs or motivations and project that distorted vision onto her instead of recognizing accurately who she really is. Another basic issue for her is safety; she needs to feel protected and know that her safety is being assessed and guarded. She also wants to know that HER assessment of her safety needs will be acknowledged and respected, not to be over-riden by my minimization of risk/danger.

I can help her reinforce these boundary issues by letting her know that I hear what she says, checking with her for the accuracy of my understanding, and by physically contacting her so she knows I am aware of her presence. I have a tendency to withdraw into myself and be quiet and not make eye contact sometimes, which exacerbates her fear of having this boundary issue violated. As to safety, I could recognize her feelings and responses to situations and act to address her concerns.

God, I've been so completely absorbed in process with my wife, mostly engagement with her trauma episodes, with intervals of loving connection. I feel like I've neglected my active recovery work, though, and this post marks my commitment and intention to continue the Recovery Workshop process. It's interesting that I've gotten stuck at the lessons relating to boundary issues, because both my wife and I are very poor at recognizing one another's boundaries, let alone establishing our own. I will start reveiwing the set of intentions I wrote out and kept next to my bed along with prior Lessons, to play some catchup before starting in on the next Lesson.

I'd appreciate any advise on starting up again after a long hiatus. Thanks.

I've noticed that a very fundamental lesson from the Recovery Nation work has taken root in me: I am now aware when a habitual, formerly unconscious behavior arises in me and I can intercede to make a choice about going with it or turning from it. This may sound simple, but I think it's remarkably liberating. I thank the lessons outlining the chain of behavior for instilling in me a sense of awareness and choice.

Now, I can feel my energy rise to look at women (on the street, at events, on billboards or TV, wherever), be aware that my attention is shifting to looking, and then decide to not indulge the thoughts and fantasies that would previously habitually follow.

Another example involves my tendency to isolate. The other night my wife and I had an upset while in bed together. Since her discovery of my use of pornography, I would go off to our spare bedroom if I sensed her anger and resentment with me. This time, I thought to myself, "I don't want to create any more distance between us than exists right now. I don't want to voluntarily go off to sleep elsewhere. I want to let her know I want to be closer, not more distant." I told her I wanted to stay in bed with her and not withdraw, unless she wanted more space. She said "ok" to my staying, and though she wasn't immediately enthusiastic about connecting with me, we did end up cuddling. I recognized a choice point in my chain of isolating behavior, and made a different choice.

THANK YOU RECOVERY NATION FOR CULTIVATING SUCH A REALIZATION.

Lesson 44

A. My core identity establishes a connection for me with my authentic being, my beliefs and desires (not cravings, but what I desire to do with my life energy). When I am grounded in my core identity, my actions and behavior can flow from decisions I make about how I want to manifest my self in the world, rather than being reactionary to external events and trying to be what I think others want me to be. When I don't know "what to do with myself," I'm vulnerable to addictive behavior. When I'm in touch with my core identity, I can decide to behave in conformance with my values, a much more satisfying way of living.

B. I think my core identity will become a more familiar part of my everyday life the more I am able to make decisions to act in conformance with my values. These value-based experiences will create a positive reinforcement loop, strengthening my awareness of my core identity as the foundation for decisions to behave in satisfying ways.

C. I'm still very much acting out of co-dependent motivations to not lose my wife much of the time. Of course, that's a self-defeating pattern; she's told me she's really turned off by my weakness and pandering to her, and most attracted to me when I'm acting from my own motivations. So I'm coming to realize more and more that I can identify my own desires and needs and communicate them clearly, and then accept whether she agrees or disagrees with what I might propose. When I'm not in touch with my core identity, I am more dependent upon her initiatives. When I am in touch with my core identity, I can be proactive with her as well as authentic in responding to her overtures.