Recovery Nation

Although guilt and shame may have helped in staying “sober” over the last few months, they do not provide me with healthy motivation.
My motivation needs to be rooted in positive gains of healthy living, not the negative consequences of acting out.
I have to choose not to act out, not out of shame or guilt, or the fear of these, but rather because I know that this behaviour is unhealthy and is damaging to me and others around me. I must choose not to act out because I want to be able to live my life fully, and engage with life, not run away from it. I must recognise that my addiction is a means of avoiding living, of masking pain and fear, and escaping from reality.
Escaping from reality leads to detachment from reality, detachment from friends and family, and even detachment from my own self. Engaging in addictive activity or thinking will lead to the total loss of my “self”, and the loss of those people and things that I hold dearest to me.
I have plenty of positive motivations in my life. Guilt and shame are not healthy motivators and can have disastrous negative consequences. Yes I am guilty of great wrongs. Yes I am ashamed of my actions and the way I lived my life. I must learn to accept the guilt and shame as reflections of things which cannot be undone. It is time to put away the guilt and shame and look forwards.
Guilt and shame feed fear and prevent honesty. They fed the fear that caused me to drag my heels in giving W__ the disclosure that she needed, and to withhold information even then. Through allowing guilt and shame to influence my thinking I did not act promptly or honestly to give W__ what she needed. This hurt her, it hurt our relationship and our efforts to grow as a couple. It also hurt me, as I allowed the fear, driven by guilt and shame, to affect my decision making and my actions. I allowed my feelings of guilt and shame to cloud my mind. I projected my feelings onto others, particularly W__. I found reading my own words, and considering my own actions, triggered so much guilt, shame and fear that the thought of relating them to another person, particularly W__, created a wall of fear. Fear of rejection, fear that it would prove too much for W__ to be able to overcome, and could so be the end of our relationship. This type of thinking is flawed for 2 reasons.
1. Even if the information disclosed proved to be too much for our relationship to withstand, that is a consequence that must be accepted. The impact of the truth on me, on W__, or on our relationship should not determine what should or should not be disclosed. Using this as an excuse is just way for me to justify and rationalise concealing things in the future.
2. Projecting my reaction to my activities, or attempting to anticipate someone else’s reaction to hearing the facts is unlikely to be accurate and will also just serve as a basis for rationalisation or justifying concealment in the future. I cannot predict how another will react to my actions. In fact, I am probably the least qualified person when it comes to putting myself in another’s shoes.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Those Who Will Continue to Struggle With Relapse

They often feel forced into recovery (e.g. legal consequences, social expectations, treatment demands)
There are occasions, usually fleeting, when I ask (Why am I doing this?”. With that thought comes a feeling of being forced/coerced. I counter this by re-reading (or recalling) my comments on Lesson 1, and other pieces of writing that reaffirm MY problem and the need for MY recovery. My big problem that I have to watch here is that I want recovery but can sometimes lack the motivation to keep up the pace of my work. I need to maintain a steady regular schedule to keep myself on track.

Their motivation for recovery comes from an attempt to appease others (e.g. to save a relationship; to deflect attention from the behaviors)
Although W__ is aware of my recovery activities, I started in recovery (Counselling/12 Step Group) while our marriage was over and to my mnd there was no chance of recovering it. I keep this in mind. MY recovery, first and foremost, is about ME. That is not to say that the chance to build a new relationship with W__ is not a huge additional motivation, of course it is, but it is not the primary motivator.

They minimize their behavior (e.g. "It's not how it seems"; "It's not that big of a deal.")
I have no difficulty in accepting how damaging my addiction and acing out in addiction were to me. I had continued to minimize certain behaviours to W__ and more importantly have minimized my rationalizations of withholding information from her.

They actively prepare their environment for successful acting out by: setting a preliminary foundation for excuses/alibis; seeking out times/situations where they will be unaccountable to anyone but themselves; laying the foundation for the emotional manipulation of others who may pose a confrontational threat (e.g. their spouse), etc.
When actively engaged in acting out I certainly did this. I have not acted in any way out in some months.


They believe that they are uniquely defective and/or damaged as human beings
Yes. I see this as an ego problem, and am working to overcome it. Reading other recovery threads, and listening to shares at 12 Step meetings helps help me to see that I am not unique and am just one more damaged person attempting to put his life back on track. I still however, particularly when things are not going well, try to present myself as unique, more damaged, more vulnerable than others. I need to stop this.


They believe that they have suffered so many consequences from their compulsive behavior, that it will be impossible for them to reach their lifetime goals
NO. I believe that active addiction prevented me from achieving many things. The consequences will not prevent me from achieving my goals, if it is within my power. I add this condition as I am aware of 1 case recently where the achievement of someone’s goal relied on independent 3rd parties, that goal/hope has been destroyed as a direct consequence of AS.

They believe that what they are experiencing is their fate
My big problem here is that I want recovery, but often lack the motivation to keep up the pace of my work. I need to maintain a steady regular working schedule to keep myself on track.

They are inflexible in re-evaluating their lifetime goals (e.g. "Since I have failed so far at being a professional actor, athlete, writer, etc., I can't be successful at anything." "Since I cannot be around to raise my children, I will always remain unfulfilled as a parent.")
I am in the process of re-evaluating a number of things in my work life (e.g. career choice, job fulfillment) but am prepared to give this time, and hold off on making rash decisions as I am not certain my judgment is not at its best during this period of transition/recovery.

They suspect that they will never be able to overcome their urges, and so their goals are to establish the appearance of change, rather than to pursue actual change.
No. I am not powerless. I am convinced that I can overcome this.

They find comfort in being able to use "powerlessness" as an excuse for continuing to engage in their behavior.
NO. I was powerless as I lacked or ignored knowledge and life skills. Iamachieving both and with them will come the power to change for good.

Relapse triggers are seen as opportunities to act out.
No they are not.
I almost never experience triggers to act out at present. The worst I get is an occasional fleeting thought, which is easily dispelled. I have not acted out since I started in recovery (I did not originally include masturbation in my bottom lines, but have for the past few months) however I am still subject to fear, guilt and shame which will hold me back unless I root them out.

They often attempt to "prove" their sincerity to others through voicing dreams, sharing words and making promises, rather than through their actions.
I believe my own BS. While I often speak with sincerity, I am inconsistent between my words and my deeper thoughts and feelings. Not in all things, but in the key areas around openness and accountability. I need to take ownership of my addiction and my fears to overcome this.

They find comfort in knowing that they can play the "relapse card" should they ever be caught acting out
NO!

They often experience selfish thoughts when caught acting out (e.g. "Why didn't I see this coming?" "Why didn't I cover that up better?" "Why do I cause myself so much pain?")
In active addition this would have been common. I do experience perions of self-pity sometimes; I try not to dwell on it but am still susceptible to it, especially when I know I am in the wrong.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Those Who Will Occasionaly Struggle With Relapse

They often jump from addiction to addiction, and are particularly susceptible to hyper-religiosity and hyper-recovery. They put out fires by refocusing on other areas of their life. When these areas involve compulsive behavior--their use of addiction to manage their lives continues.
This is a difficult one. Is suppose the major “compulsive” behavioral issue that would apply here is fear and the lies and lack of accountability that stems from that. I am trying to address this at present, although I allowed it to hamper my disclosure to W__ I did manage to throw it to one side yesterday and finally tell my mother why our marriage really broke up.

They believe that they are suffering from a disease that is beyond their control, but not beyond all hope.
Today I do not believe that this is beyond all hope and beyond my control. Controlling “acting out” is relatively easy. Controlling and modifying my fears and lack of self esteem is more difficulty but I am working to put that right. I do not believe now that this is impossible or beyond control, although it is big challenge.

They believe that they are defective in the sense that their emotions, urges, impulses, etc. are experienced with much more intensity than "normal people". And this puts them at a disadvantage for living a "normal life".

Yes I do.Despite exposure to others struggling with the same types of compulsive behavior, the same lack of self esteem, the same fear of living and engaging in life, I still sometimes believe this to be true.
[EDIT] In the last 24 hours I have come to see this as less of a truth. Disclosure to my mother, and explaining some facts about SA and how many people are caught in its grip helped me to see the light. An exchange this morning with a group member in which he described the fear almost exactly as I have described them, has also helped me to start the process of no longer seeing myself as somehow unique.

They tend to confuse addiction recovery with general mental health issues--creating a hypersensitivity to all of the emotions that they experience. Depression, anxiety, anger--they are all tightly related to "recovery" and an imbalance in one often leads to an imbalance in the other.
I am finding it difficult to “manage” some emotions. I have taken the approach of trying to sit with emotions rather than bottle them up. I also try to vocalize, to communicate my emotions with W__ or my group. I often have difficulty in finding the right words to express the emotions I am experiencing. On advice from our relationship counselor, I try to visualize them as colours, I find this helps.

They perceive "powerlessness" not as absolute powerlessness over their life, but a limited powerlessness over their urges.
No. I do not accept that I am powerless, of at least, do not have to remain powerless.

They often attempt to convince others of their recovery by offering their "new identity" as proof. Again, most often seen with hyper-religiosity and hyper-recovery situations.
Then I first read this I thought this was a bit of a Catch-22 on the surface.
Show change and be damned or show no change and be damned.
I think my best response here is that I do not try to influence/manipulate others through displays of “new identity”. I do a lot of things differently today than I did 10 months ago, and I also do things that I never did before, I do not do these things out of some ulterior motive, but out of the (imperfect) knowledge that they are right.

Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction.
I have introduced a number of “first order” changes in my life to allow myself room to recover. These vary from almost eliminating caffeine from my diet (to give my head space to slow down) to not having unrestricted or unsupervised access to the internet. I do not see this “fear of triggers”. I liken it (or rather a counselor did) to an alcoholic avoiding bars in early recovery. I do not “fear” triggers (surprising considering the amount of things I do fear) but I certainly won’t go looking for them. If I do encounter a trigger it is usually an unsolicited thought, which I slap down. I am focused on keeping my head in reality as much as possible.

They tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior.
I am learning new behaviours, but I have been living in the past through shame and guilt. It’s time to face up to them, and focus on the future.

They tend to see life in episodes--with beginnings and endings--rather than as a process.
This I will need to watch out for. I do tend to view things with a start and end point.

They consistently measure the success of their recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.
Abstinence is important to me, but I see and feel differences in my life in how I behave in certain situations and measure these changes as positive signs of recovery.

They often experience extreme emotions in relation to acting out--extreme guilt, extreme shame, depression, anger, hatred. Or, they experience very mild emotions--when it has become a pattern that they have resolved to accept as a part of their lives.
Yes, guilt, shame and hatred are common extreme emotions that experience, especially when discussing my former behaviours with W__. I have been using guilt and shame as a crutch, it’s time to let go and walk on my own.

They tend to hyper analyze their actions, thoughts and feelings...and make the possibility of living a "normal" life all but impossible.
This is something I am really trying to do less of. I used to contantly replay or predict things in my head, I am trying to avoid this now. I used to play out difficult future problems in my head, to the point that once I reached a conclusion in my head, I neglected to tackle the problem in reality. I am analytical, my job also demands this, but I am trying to confine analysis to those things that really require it.

They continue to identify themselves with their addiction and cannot imagine a life without such an association.
Having had a few “sober” months, I appreciate the more ordinary things in life at a level I would not have thought possible. I, at this moment in time, have no desire to return to what I was only a few months ago. I feel relief every day that I have escaped (am escaping?) that hell hole that I once thought was the centre of my existence. MY addiction is very real, but my addiction is not me!

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

This is a work in progress.
red = new.

1. Be Honest with Myself

--- Reflect daily on my thoughts and actions and assess them rigorously. Where I have fallen down in behavior that I aspire to, admit it to myself.
--- Take stock daily using the Daily Assessment Worksheet
--- Listen to my instincts, and evaluate them. Where the instinct appears flawed or otherwise not in keeping with my values, accept and be aware of this.
--- Accept compliments or praise when I know they are deserved.
--- Accept honest criticism and where appropraite, act on it.
--- Accept responsibility for my actions, where I am at fault promptly admit it to myself.
--- Open myself to my emotions. Not necessarily to act on them, simply honestly feel them.

2. Learn Patience with myself and others

Myself:
--- Take the time to enjoy the journey, whether it is the 10 minute walk to work, recovery, or the rest of my life.
--- Alternate my reading. Every second or third book should be a classic that requires slower reading and more attention to detail than my usual genres.
--- Reduce my multi tasking. Take one thing at a time (when possible) and focus on the task at hand rather than the next three.
--- In my work, plan each day and allocate time for each task, meeting etc. If circumstances require, modify the plan, don’t just go off on a tangent.
--- Learn something new. Don’t dive in, whatever it is, take it step by step.
--- Stop to appreciate the world around me.
--- Take the time to do tasks well rather than quickly

Others:
--- Learn to listen, without interrupting
--- Consider my responses and their potential effect on others
--- Accept that others do not think like I do
--- Accept that others may not connect with academic reasoning, be ready to explain things on their terms.
--- Accept that I do not hold a monopoly on wisdom, someone else just might be right
--- Avoid irrelevant arguments, they’re just not worth it
--- Accept that others are not perfect, someone being 5 minutes late is not a deliberate slight on me.
--- Call or visit my mother regularly (once a week and let’s see where that goes).
--- Initiate communications with my brothers more often, call, write, email once a fortnight.

3. Improve my emotional expression
--- Feel! Just feel! Until I can sit with my emotions I can’t hope to express them
--- Write. Record my feelings, to get used to forming them into words.
--- Talk. Speak to others about my feeling and emotions. Talk to S___, our counselor, my group, my friends and family.
--- Talk to family about my addiction, explain to them the real reason why our marriage broke up last year, and why it is still so fragile. (Have done this with my mother, but the rest of my family are still in the dark).
--- Express. Laugh, Cry, Smile. Give up the mask that I have worn for so long.
--- Allow myself to experience my surroundings and the emotions that might raise.
--- Moderate my sense of humour. I have often used jokes as a way of avoiding feelings.

4 & 5. Improve communication with my wife/Be open with my wife

--- Ask her how she is feeling, how she is coping and LISTEN to her responses.
--- Tell her how I am feeling; share my hopes and fears with her
--- Volunteer information. Do not wait to be asked about something before speaking.
--- Use the lessons I have learnt on communication skills to be attentive and really hear what she says.
--- Learn to express my thoughts, I have difficulty sometimes converting thoughts and emotions to words; she needs the words to understand where I am at
--- Tell S__ how much she means to me often. Use recent examples (I really enjoyed our day out etc) to affirm this.
--- Call her every day from work. I have been doing this for the last few months anyway, but I think it does deserve a place in the plan.
--- Make sure to check in with S__ every evening.

6. Personal Serenity – To be at peace with myself

--- Find a way to forgive myself. I cannot be at peace until I can let the past go.
--- Meditation. Take a small amount of time each for reflection, to let go of the world and look inward.
--- Take time to appreciate nature, to stop and look at the sunset, a flower, a cloud, a tree, a swan. Whatever it is, stop and take it in.
--- Live in the now. I do not have to spend every waking moment anticipating future events.
--- Take time every day, assuming he's willing, to stroke our cat. Apart from it being good for him to affirm the bond, it is very relaxing.

7. Experience my emotions honestly

--- This requires the same actions as 3. I may have to consider if these should be combined.

8. Be honest with others

--- Don’t lie. OK her bum will never look big in anything but I know what I mean.
--- Be honest in my work. Give my full attention to the job I am paid to do and approach each task honestly.
--- Say No! If I don’t want to do something, or I am uncomfortable with doing something, say No.
--- If I don’t know something say so. It’s ok not to know everything. Admitting a lack of knowledge about something is no shame, passing up the opportunity to learn something new is.

9. Be accountable for my actions

--- Accept that I will not do everything right first time and be prepared to accept responsibility.
--- When I do wrong, admit it at the first opportunity and try to make amends. Do not wait for someone else to point out my mistakes.
--- Think before I act, it’s easier to be accountable before the deed than after.


10. Be loving towards my daughter

My daughter, age 19, lives 4,000 miles away, so contact is limited but even so:
--- Listen to her on the phone, she prattles on sometimes but it is important for her that I show an interest in her life (important for me too).
--- Send her an email at least once a week, it doesn’t have to be long, just a way for her to know that I think about her.
--- Be supportive to her. Yes she will make what I consider to be poor choices, but I was young once and I survived.
--- Try to give good advice (when asked). Advice that will be good for her, not what I think I should say as a parent.

11. Be Present in my wife’s life

--- Communicate. Talk to S__ about the little things as well as the big ones.
--- Listen and let her know that I am listening.
--- Share my thoughts and feelings, don’t wait to be asked
--- Take her hand when we’re walking, touch her arm as we pass each other in the doorway.
--- Be emotionally present when we are being intimate. Do not let my mind wander, stay with her in the moment.
--- Play her a song. I practice playing regularly but don’t share it often.
--- Give her small gifts, a beanie, small chocolate treats
--- Take the lead some times when we go out, rather than prevaricating and forcing her to make the decisions.
--- Be demonstrative. What I know is not enough, it’s what she sees that counts.
--- Brush her hair regularly (S__ likes this). Same goes for neck rubs.
--- Keep the flowers on the living room table fresh.

12. Be supportive of my daughter’s life choices

This links in with 10.
--- Listen to her
--- Be happy for her I may not approve of her choices but as long as she is safe and happy that’s enough.
--- Money & career is not everything, let her be happy.
--- Let her make her own mistakes, offer to help but do not interfere.
--- Let her be the person she will be, and love her for it
--- Let her know that I will love her no matter what
--- Let her know that I will always be there for her if she needs me

This was tough. I think I could spend the next 6 months working on this but I am posting what I have for now. I will revise as new actions come to mind.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago while struggling with fear, particularly fear of guilt and shame. Rereading it every day, I finally managed to confront one of my biggest fears around guilt and shame, and told my mother about my addiction. What I did was start by posing myself a question, and then let the “conversation” flow. I tried as much as possible to not stop writing, to keep the flow as reactive as possible. It is a little incoherent in places, but I have to admit I was surprised at the conclusion and even more surprised that I actually acted on it.
I feel in a better place as a result, particularly as I had messed up so badly incoming clean to S__, and now feel I can really confront the fear and start putting my life back on track.

Why?

Why do you lie?
I lie to escape the consequences of my actions on myself and others.
Why ?
I fear the consequences of my actions
Why?
I try to predict the consequences. If I do not like how the result makes me feel, I fear it.
Why do you try to predict consequences?
I fear the unknown. IfI can predict the outcome then I think that I can control it.
What consequences do you fear?
I fear being seen as lessened by others.
I fear ridicule.
I fear anger.
I fear grief and sadness.
I fear anything that I cannot control.
I fear that S__ will leave. I fear that I will lose C__ (my daughter). I fear being alone again in the world.
I fear the unknown.
I fear Fear itself
You fear the fear?
I am afraid of being afraid. It paralyses me. It turns my thoughts in circles. I don’t know which way is up. I see a possibility and I fear it. I then fear the consequences of that fear, and fear them. And so on.
How does lying help?
If I lie I can control the outcome and avoid the consequences.
Can you?
NO. It just creates a newest of consequences. As well as the consequences of my actions, I must also now face the consequences of my lies. I make the feared outcome even worse than it should have been.
So why keep doing it?
I don’t know!
Try?
Because I am afraid to do something different?
Because even knowing that I will be found out is a predictable outcome?
Because fear is familiar? It is still better than leaping into the unknown?
Because fear is supposed to protect me?
Does fear protect you?
No. It locks me in statis. It hinders me. It prevents me from living.
How?
Fear seeks the familiar, the predictable. Fear thrives on the unknown.
Fear of the dark cannot survive the light. Better to keep it dark and wrap myself in the fear than to cross the open dark ground to reach the light switch.
Better to huddle in fear in the dark than risk a light and seeing what was hidden in the dark.
What was hidden?
Nothing this time. Or the previous time. But the fear says there may be something the next time.
Will there?
Probably not, but the fear says why take the chance? It’s unknown, even though there has never been anything before. Better to hide in fear in the dark than risk it.
Is it better?
No. I end up wasting all my time in the dark instead of enjoying the light.
So switch on the damn light???
But what if this time there is something hiding in the dark? What if this time the fear is right?
Has it ever been right?
No.
Have you ever heard a voice tell you that there is nothing hiding in the dark?
Yes.
Has it ever been wrong?
No.
So???
Get up and switch on the damn light!!!

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Early Recovery: "Understanding/Recognizing the Behavior"

In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.
I think this was true when I started on this journey last May. I now firmly believe now that I can change, and am changing.

In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness and suicide.
Recovery for me started the day after W__ told me that our marriage was over and asked me to leave. I experienced a number of extreme and overwhelming emotions: anger, fear, sadness, guilt, shame, anxiety and hopelessness. I am now in a more stable and balanced place, and while I do still experience most of these emotions, I am getting better at monitoring and managing them: not perfect, but better.

In early recovery, they often "test the waters" of recovery by attempting recovery for a few days, then acting out.
I’m not sure how much this would have applied. When I started recovery I went for a period of total abstinence, and then “allowed” infrequent masturbation for a couple of months. I think in retrospect that this was not healthy for me at such an early stage (if ever). Was this “testing the waters”? I honestly don’t know, probably it was. Either way, it doesn’t happen any more

In early recovery, they tend to explore many different trigger situations to see how well they can handle themselves.
On the advice of my therapist, I avoided trigger situations as much as possible; I still don’t have my own computer, or have unrestricted access to the internet.

In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life.
Yeah I think this is probably true. When I first started attending a 12 step group, I found it really uplifting, and was keen to drill into everything that I could perceive as being wrong with my life. Now I’ll settle for being “normal”, with “normal” defects and “normal” desires.

In early recovery, these individuals may be all across the board in terms of treatment, and may display many similar traits as to those in the "Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle With Relapse" category above.
It took me a while to find RN, I did try to embrace 12 Step but something didn’t quite sit right with me, maybe it’s the whole God/HP side of it, so I was a bit lost for a while in terms of what was best for me to do.

In early recovery, they perceive "powerlessness" as "helplessness" and "desperation".
It took me a while to perceive that my “powerlessness” was brought about by ignorance and lack of skills/tools to manage my life. I am gaining all three now, and powerlessness cannot be an excuse any more.

In early recovery, significant others tend to experience these individuals as very needy, pathetic, "lost souls".
I wasn’t sure about this so I took the “unusual” step of asking W__. Yes, I did come across as a needy pathetic lost soul, particularly in conversations that centered around recovery.

Middle Recovery : "Actual Recovery"

They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
Yes. I abhor my past behaviors, and am committed to changing myself and (finally) looking to the future.

Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
I want to Live, really Live. Despite all the hurt and the pain of the last few months, I have enjoyed being alive: feeling alive. I want to make this normal.

They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
O yeah this is the one that has tripped me up so many times. I think I’ve finally got the message on this one. I am really trying to look honestly at my options before making decisions, and acting on a value based judgment rather than one based on emotion or fear of consequence.

They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.
This is another one that I’m in the process of changing. I have spent too long focusing on avoidance of behaviors, now I am trying to focus on new behaviors and ways of thinking which are simply incompatible with the way I used to live.

They perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.
Yeah I see powerlessness as lack of ability to manage my life. As I learn more, I am less powerless. Knowledge is power.

Relapse triggers are experienced not as a threat, but an opportunity.
Triggers are actually quite rare, and I certainly don’t go trying to test myself, so I’m fairly neutral on this one.

They recognize failure as a learning experience--but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception.
Needs work but improving and have recently recommitted to this approach. I think I’ve got it this time.

They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not "defective", but "deficient".
Needs work, but again, improving. I am finding that contacts with other recovering addicts helps to make this clear as I find their descriptions of their feelings and circumstances resonate with my own.

They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
Yes. I see myself as living a healthy life, not living in permanent fear of relapse. Not “once an addict…” but “I was once an addict”. I still do see a place for long term vigilance.

They see their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").
Not there yet. I understand this intellectually, but find it hard to flow rather than step.

They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.
I have done and am continuing to maintain distance between my past and future.

They tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have affected on others--especially those closest to them. This frequently triggers true remorse, temporary depression, temporary helplessness--but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to people in other, more healthy ways.
Yes, although I have had reason to suspect its sincerity, but I believe the remorse is real. I guess I’m trying to allow true feelings of grief and remorse without falling into self pity.

Significant others tend to experience these individuals with cautious optimism. They can see the changes taking place, but remain unable to commit to their partner's fully--as they continue to doubt their own judgment (a consequence of the shocking discovery of the addiction's reality).
I believe this is close to where W__ and I are at present.

Late Recovery : "From Recovery to Health"
Not there yet, I’ll revisit.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
Yes.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
No. Today was a lazy day, and we had "treat" picnic which was not made up ofthe healthiest foods.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Will do before bed. I did take some time to meditate and reflect earlier today.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
Yes. I will be focussed on releasing anew build to QA, and meeting with P__ to discuss project status.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Yes. I played a number of regular songs and tried changing the arrangement of Desperado. Also from ear memory started working out "Everything I Own". I was relaxed and engaged with the songs. 45 minutes.

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Yes. Read the Sunday Paper, and watched 60s Batman Movie & Grease (teenage favourite) on TV.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
No.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. I went back to bed this morning and we snuggled for a while. I have initiated contact (arm aroudn her, hold hand) ona number of occasions throughout the day.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
No as we were at home together all day.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
RN Lesson 14.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
I feel quite balanced today.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
I didn't go very far today. I did enjoy watching the Heron fly in for landing on the river this morning as I was going for the papers. I also noticed the difference in the colour of the rocks in teh river that are normally exposed to the air .

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
Yes.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Walked to & from work. Leftovers from yesterday's picnic for lunch, not so good, but they're all gone now.
Dinner was fairly healthy.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Will do before bed.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
Yes. I will be giving presentations to visitors, doing a new 2.0 build and publishing the new build software.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Yes. I played a number of comfort songs Did more work on arrangemnt for "Everything I Own". I was relaxed and engaged with the songs. 30 minutes.

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Yes. Not mush free time today so far, did read on the way out to counselling this evening.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
Yes. Called Mom, arranged to do lunch Wednesday

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Initiated a number of physical contacts today. Told her how pretty she was looking. Snuggled up to her on the couch watching the news.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
Yes, twice.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Counselling with W__. Daily Monitoring.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
I feel very balanced today.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
Yes. There was a new water hen on the river this morning. The pruned trees on the estuary have finally sprouted leaves. A lot of bees on the walk from the office this evening, must be the warm spell taht brought them out. Dandelions are in full seed right now.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Doing this a little early today as I will be powering down the computer.

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
Yes (actually she beat me to it).

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Walked to & from work. Reasonably healthy dinner (fish & pasta). Working lunch, sandwiches & pop.
If my back stays ok (been stable for a bit now) I will start back to the gym this weekend.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Did yesterday before bed as promised. Will do before bed tonight.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
Yes. I will finish off the tasks I had planned for today, which didn't get done due to overruns on meetings this morning and shifted priorities beyond my control. I will release the build to QA, talk to D
__ on the CTLS testing and configuration and anlayse his results. I will try to corner __ for a meeting in TIDs. If I__ is recovered from the flu I will hold his Goals and Objectives meeting if he is ready.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Yes. I played for a short while after dinner (15 minutes). I will play again before I go to bed, maybe improv some blues. Trying to find a natural key for for "Everything I Own". I was relaxed and engaged with the song.

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Yes. Not much free time today so far, read while waiting for the train home and on the train. Will do some ofd that ***** jigsaw with W__ later.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
Yes. Called Mom to finalise lunch arrangements for tomorrow. Phone was out of charge so limited in call options.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Initiated a number of physical contacts today. Told her she had the face of a 21 year old which I think she liked
Spontanious hugs and told her I love her.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
Yes, only once due to work pressures and cell phone being dead.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Daily Monitoring.
Read Coaching Plan twice, I can see I'll be busy for the next few months.
Read Lesson 15 twice, I think I need to really understand this. Will reread tomorrow and post comments and complete the exercise.


12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
I feel very balanced today. Meetings this morning were difficult but not wholly unexpected and I coped well.
I'm finding the Daily Assessment a great tool for clearing down my mind before bed, which helps me start each day in balance.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
Yes. Walk to the train this morning I noticed the small "ivy" on the river wall has bloomed, small purple flowers. Herman (the local heron) was in an unusual spot this morning under some weeds near the bank. On the way home, the river was so still that I was able to clearly see the reflection of a jet trail in the water. The estuary beside work had a solitary swan in the water this morning, unusual it's usually a host or none. the village across the estuary this morning was covered in a light haze, it's actually quite a nice view.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
Yes.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Walked to & from work. Lunch out with Mom, not unhealthy. Fish & salad for dinner.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Did yesterday before bed as promised. Will do before bed tonight.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
Yes. Write update program for 1.0. Speak to __ about CT test problems. Raise Gateway issues with __.
Update repository for 2.0. Update Time Management system.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Yes. Played for a while when I got home from work, practiced some transpositions for songs, but mostly it was for relacation and enjoyment. Played a couple of songs for W__ tonight.
About 40 minutes altogether.

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Yes. Read for a bit before dinner. Played guitar.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
Yes. Had lunch wth Mom & W__. Contacted __ to see how he was doing and share how I am doing.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Physical contact, hugs, touches. Torl her hos pretty she is when she is sleeping.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
Yes, called this morning. Couple of texts this afternnoon.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Did part of Lesson 15 this morning (was up early).
Call with Cheryl.
Daily Monitoring.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
Balanced. Work was challenging today but I think I managed the problems and people well. Lunch with Mom & W__ was relaxed.
Think I managed work issues well. Spoke to W__ about leaving the computer on when she goes out, I'd prefer it to be switched off, I'm not afraid of doing anything, it's more to prevent the chance of any "false positives".
Had a good call with Cheryl, I have some things to work on and some good ideas to put into practice but it felt comfortable and positive.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
Yes. Walk to the train this morning I noticed 3 pairs of the black & white ducks on the river, they normally don't come down this far. It got me thinking I've never seen them with ducklings, either they hide them or else they are not good at protecting them from predators. There's a hole in the river bank under a dead tree, wondering if the foxes or possibly an otter are using it, it has a look of being used. This evening the photgrapher who frequents the river was perched across from it so there must be something in there. __ was very hazy this morning. Horse Chestnut tree beside the train station is blossoming, a bit later than most of the others. Hawthorn bushes by the office are starting to blossom as well.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
Yes. We were out til late but I checked in before we went to bed.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Walked to & from work.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Yes.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
No. 4 Day weekend ahead.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Only for a few minutes before bed as I didn't get home out til late.

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Went to a table quiz with W__. Read on the train to & from work.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
Yes. Sent message to D__. Texted D__. Spent the evening with K__ & J__ at the quiz.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Physical contact, hugs, touches. Held her hand or had my hand on her arm a lot during the evening.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
Yes, called once & she called me once, also a couple of emails.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Did work schedule this morning
Daily Monitoring.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
Balanced. Work was at times frustrating today due to software and hardware problems that prevented me from doing waht I needed to do. I did take control of a couple of stuations and managed them effectively.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
Ye. Unfortunatley, not everything I notice is nice. Walking to the train this morning, I noticed the amount of litter that is strewn along the lane. Also noticed from the train that locals near the emabankment are obviously dumping on the embankment.
The large field by the office park that kids use for riding their motorbikes has a notice up that they are goign to buidl a prooper motocross site there. Ducks were absent this morning, althought there were a couple around tonight when we were coming home.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

I. Take a minute to review what you have learned over the past two weeks. Of what you have learned so far, think of one example of how you have actively integrated that information into your day-to-day life.

Isolating a single thing that I have learned in recent weeks is difficult as I feel I have learned quite a lot, and probably have learned things that I do not yet even realize, however one thing does stand out, and that is what I have learned about fear and my relationship with it.

Fear is the key & only the truth can set me free. Clichés, but I am coming to realize how true they are for me.
Fear of consequences, fear of guilt & shame is probably the biggest obstacle on my path to health.
Fear prevents honesty.
Fear cloaks and clouds judgment. Fear will seek the “comfort” of addiction.

Although not acting out, fear had perpetuated “old” addictive behaviors: minimizing, withholding, lying, to myself and others.
Fear is not strong: fear is weak and feeds on weakness.
Fear is a bully.

By facing fear, and confronting guilt & shame, I have allowed myself to feel better than I have for a long time.
Whatever the consequences, once the truth is exposed, it cannot be put back in hiding, and so the truth is no longer feared.

The fear I have felt for so long is not fear of the truth, rather it is fear of the truth being revealed.

If I choose to reveal the truth, I gain control over it, and over my life.
When I choose to reveal an unpleasant truth, it frees me from fear.
Guilt & shame, while still emotions that will be felt, no longer have the same hold on me. I choose not to allow them to feed the fear of discovery.
Fear thrives on the darkness of concealment and cover up.

I have been taking steps in overcoming fear, but that is not to say that the war has been won, although I have won the recent battles. Lesson 12 demonstrates to me that there are still areas where fear of breaking free completely may still exist. I will confront these obstacles and work to eradicate them from my thought processes.
Lesson 13 indicates to me that I also have made progress, and have strengths and tools at my disposal: my values, my vision, my real desire for health, W__, D__, RN, family & friends.

Reflection and self-evaluation (Daily Health Monitoring , Daily Assessment, Journaling) have become important to me in maintaining my balance and a healthy outlook on a day by day basis. They help me clear down my mind and prepare myself to start each day fresh, or if not fresh, then at least with a clear understanding of the outstanding or unresolved issues or problems that need to be addressed, and what I need to do to resolve them.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
Yes.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Walked to the video store. We made homemade pizza for dinner, not the healthiest choice.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Yes.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
No work tomorrow.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Yes, played a few songs and jammed some blues. About 20 mins.

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Read for a while.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
No.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Physical contact, hugs, touches. Held her hand when walking to the video store.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
No we were at home together all day.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Posted lesson 15.
Read lesson 16.
Daily Monitoring.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
Balanced. SPent a few hours spring cleaning under W__'s direction Today was an extremely uneventful day overall.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
I didn't really go far today other than the walk up to the video store, which is a street away.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd