SimpleMan's Public Recovery Thread

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
Yes.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Leftovers for dinner. Went to the park this afternoonand chilled.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Yes.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
No work tomorrow.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Yes, played for a while this morning, practiced some scales and riffs. Played a few comfort songs. About 30 mins

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Took a book to the park and read for a bit.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
No.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Physical contact, hugs, touches.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
No we were at home together all day.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Finished and posted lesson 16.
Daily Monitoring.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
Balanced. Breakfast with __ was good, finished the cryptic x-word fairly quickly, spent a nice couple of hours in the park.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
A lot of people out shopping this afternoon. Larger retailers have a lousy stock of Easter eggs

Swan in the park seems to be brooding, hopefully some cygnets soon. The trees are all pretty much in full leaf now, I never noticed before how much shade they produce in the sun. Noticed a lot of people doing the same as us, just sitting or lying on the grass and relaxing and enjoying the rare sunshine.

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

Consider the POSITIVE role that addiction has played in your life. What purposes has it served (think short-term, not long)?

This was a difficult exercise for me. Even after reading lesson 16, it is hard to see any positive roles that addition played in my life. Even the list here is very much a case of the immediate “benefit” that was gained from acting out. I do not believe these to be real positives because as long as I relied on acting out to provide these benefits, I had no impetus to find a better or healthier way to maintain myself. However, not being healthy to begin with, I probably would have ended up with a substance addiction if I had not used sexual acting out to provide these benefits.

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
No. We were out til quite late and went to bed soon after we got home.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Took W__ out to dinner tonight, I did opt to walk into town (about 30 minute walk) rather than take the bus.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Yes.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
No work tomorrow.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Yes, played off and on during the day, mainly Clapton unplugged, and some blues riffs. About 30-40 minutes.

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Read for quite a while today.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
No.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Physical contact, hugs, touches. Told her how pretty & cute she is a few times.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
No we were at home together all day.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Read and started lesson 17.
Daily Monitoring.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
Balanced. Spent a lot of today quietly with W__ reading. I find I still get a little nervous when she is quiet for an extended period, I guess this is a throwback.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
The wagtail that is often on the river wall stood right beside me as I was coming back from the shop. The wasp that has been looking for a nest in the eaves of the house is at least 2 wasps, W__ not happy at that prospect. Sitting outside after dinner, I noticed that the area we were in was quite a quiet, nice area to sit out at night, I’ve never considered this area for this before.

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual and post them in your recovery thread.

The Ritual
Dressing in lingerie and viewing pornography online, as a prelude to engaging in sex chat on a gay website.

Elements of this ritual

Fantasy

Anticipation: Building up the experience in my head well before the actual acting out. This would reach a stage of almost total preoccupation.

Acting Out: Cyber sex/chat involved engaging in a total fantasy world of my making.

Sensory

Touch

The feel of the lingerie provided a strong sexual stimulus.

Touching myself while viewing porn/browsing chat rooms/engaging in chat.

Sight

Pornography , on screen text both provided a strong sensory stimulus.

Sound

On a few occasions session escalated to phone sex.

Danger

There was always a fear of getting caught, of my clothing stash being discovered.

Suspense

Waiting for the opportunity, often a date known well in advance, where I would have the house free for an extended period.

Browsing chat rooms, waiting for someone to show interest

Power

In this ritual, I was the seducer, using my profile and pictures to attract attention and never initiated 1-1 chat. I was the one to be sought out, which was empowering.

Accomplishment

Receiving a request for 1-1 chat. There was a real hit in the Private Chat window opening and knowing I had been successful in attracting attention.

Achieving orgasm.

Orgasm

The end result of the ritual. This was almost always followed by immediate disengaging from the ritual (shutting any open chat or porn windows, undressing as fast as possible) and a huge feeling of shame/guilt.

Past

Long drawn out episodic fantasy was a learned behavior form about the age of 5-6. It helped me cope with feeling so loneliness, fear, and inadequacy. The prolonged (from anticipation to acting out) use of fantasy in this ritual is a continuance of this learned behavior.

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

This is the closest I have come to going over the detail of an addictive ritual in quite a while, and it was very difficult to do. To actually see myself in that state, acting in that way, makes me want to throw up. I have to convince myself that this is real, that I really did these things. Having said that, I think the wheel demonstrates to me that I am in no way unique in this, I hit on most of the elements with one ritual.

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
She beat me to it again. The important thing is that we are making time for this every day.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Another lazy day before getting back to the rat race after the long weekend. Ate well, apart form the Easter chocolate.
Had hoped to get back swimming today, and maybe a bit of aerobic workout but wrenched a muscle in my back so I'll need a few more days.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Yes.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
Only 2 things on the agenda, that I planned for lbefore the weekend. Upgrade code for 1.0 and manage ctls issues.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Yes. Did some pick work for a change, I've been focusing on fingerstyle so it was nice to "hit" the strings for a change. Just jammed and ran through some scales and positioning. About 30 mins

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Read for quite a while again today. Had panned on looking at the jigsaw but we got into a discussion (good one) that took up quite a bit of the evening. It's good that we can though.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
Called out to mom. I was a little on edge for some reason, maybe some unresolved stuff there still that I need to look at?
Got a text from A__, only was it late as my phone was on silent, will have to text him back in the morning.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Physical contact, hugs (that's how I did my back in :s:

), touches and told her a few times that I love her.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
No we were at home together all day.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Finished and posted Lesson 17.
Daily Monitoring.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
Balanced. Was edgy earlier but we discussed it fora bit, and I need to look at why going to see mom put me on edge (if that is what it was?).

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
Again didn't venture far today. Moms garden is nice, if a little wild looking. Interesting spider webs in her conservatory, they seem to know the corners where the flys will get trapped between the web and the window. Was consious that I was feeling off for a while.

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
Yes, after dinner.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Rain and time beat me this morning I had to take the bus from the station. Ate reasonably healthy. Back is still sore limiting me. Did do some back stretches that my doctor recommended.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Will do so before bed.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
Yes. Release the latest 1.0 builf to QA. Debug uninstall custom actions. Meet with team to discuss ctls progress. Arrange chagne control meeting for release of 1.0 patch.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Not yet, will do once I'm done in RN.

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Read on the train. Despite it being a hectic day I took time for lunch to go to the canteen and read and engage with colleagues.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
Called mom, apologised for being a bit off yesterdaywhen we called. Texted A_.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Physical contact, hugs (being careful with my back :s:

), told her how with her looks she cant; be one of the "evil W_s" (you had to be there).

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
Yes, unfortunately had to keep it brief as I was snowed.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Started Lesson 18.
Daily Monitoring.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
Balanced. Felt better after talking to mom, still not sure if she will be honest with me. Also feel better after talking to W_.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
3 black & white ducks (2 male 1 female) on the river this morning. Why are they always in 3s? Those odd trees in the park are still at it, leaves dying off as new ones bud. Water was very clear this evening, and the pondweed has got very thick (not sure if this is good too much can kill off fish). Herman the Heron was out fishing as I was coming home. W_'s eyes really are a deep blue colour.

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

CoachCheryl wrote:

Quote:

This is the closest I have come to going over the detail of an addictive ritual in quite a while, and it was very difficult to do. To actually see myself in that state, acting in that way, makes me want to throw up. I have to convince myself that this is real, that I really did these things. Having said that, I think the wheel demonstrates to me that I am in no way unique in this, I hit on most of the elements with one ritual.

Exactly. One of the myths that comes with the addicted mind is one of uniqueness, that they are somehow special in how they approach their behaviors and play them out. Awareness in how common the elements of these behaviors are with almost all SA's is one giant step towards understanding how you can rid yourself of them.

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
Yes, after dinner.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Walked to work and did back exercises. Dinner was ordered in as we were both late home.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Will do so before bed.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
Yes. Review VF updates before lunch time meeting. Port 1.0 installer chagnes into 2.0. Facilitate I_ and D_ with ctls testing.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Not yet, short on time tonight but will try to at least twiddle for a bit.

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Read on the train. Not much time for anything else today.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
Sent D_ a message.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Physical contact, hugs.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
Yes, twice.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Meeting
Daily Monitoring.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
Fairly balanced. I think I coped well with a difficult situation in work, and took ownership of the problem.
A bit thrown after discussion with W_ about trust, I was seeing the full picture. I think I get it but I may need to process this more.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
Hawthorns are in full bloom now, stunning. Gorse is also blooming. Never realised how dark the city is when it's sunny, I guess the tall close buildings are to blame. Noticed myself taking responsibility and ownership of things today, not the first time recently that I've done it, but I think today I really did it from a considered values reason.

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

Consider one of your own compulsive rituals. Identify circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) have come into play

Taking the ritual identified in Lesson 17 and applying Filters:

Time

The preparation stage(dressing, logging onto computer, browsing to web sites)

Browsing chat rooms and waiting for someone to show interest again raised anticipation levels further

Browsing porn if there were no immediate responses

Chatting drawing out the conversation as long as possible to heighten intensity

In some cases, the time taken would stretch for so long that orgasm was almost an anticlimax (passed my threshold maybe?)
Intensity
Every part of the ritual was designed to increase the intensity.

Dressing in lingerie heightened sensations of touch

Became more aware of where to find “better quality” porn

Became more skilled at creating profiles that would be attractive to others

Became more skilled at engaging in seductive chat and prolonging it

Became more skilled at touching myself while postponing orgasm
Habituation
There are 2 elements in this ritual where habituation played its part.

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
Yes.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Walked to work and did back exercises. Wholemeal sandwich for lunch & salad for dinner.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Will do so before bed.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
Yes. Monitor QA testing on upgrade. Update status report. Complete 1.0 code reviews. Meet with M_. Start review of Replicator processes.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Yes started working a couple of new riffs, ine might fit an old lyric. Practiced some fingering and picking technique. Challenging. rather than purely emotional. 20 mins.

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Finished The Moonstone. Going to do some jigsaw with W_ now.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
Sent D_ a text. Dropped D_ a messaage on FB.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Physical contact, hugs, holding her hand, sitting close.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
Yes, twice.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Completed lesson 18
Daily Monitoring.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
Balanced. Coped well with ongoing pressure situation in work, did not let it get on top of me. Am more at peace today with what W_ told me last night.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
Buttercups are up in the lane behind the station. Saw the first flock of starlings of the season. Some signs of matting in the weeds by the hole in the riverbank there is definitely something living there. Very large intricate web on the neighbours gutter.

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
She beat me to it again.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Walked to work and did back exercises this morning. Reasonably healthy meals.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Will do so before bed.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
NO work tomorrow, 3 day weekend ahead :w:

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.
We had along discussion I'm still a little unsure of where it went, she was not happy with my approach to how the building of trust plays in my values/action plans. I did not however agree for the sake of placating her and stood my ground.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Yes. Not much time this evening, a couple of short calming twiddles. about 15 mins in total.

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Reading, went for a walk this evening with W__ ended up stopping in the movie store so will watch a movie together later.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
No. Had planned to call mom but it was a hectic day, had almost no time to myself.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Physical contact, hugs, holding her hand out for a walk, sitting close.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
Yes, managed to squeeze in a call.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Daily Monitoring.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
A little off centre. I think it's because of our disagreement earlier, I feel like I have to hold my ground and not give in to the temptation to agree just for the sake of it.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
Heard s a splash this morning, thought it was fish jumping but went back for a look. There was an otter swimming a few feet from me, I guess I was right about the possible den. Saw him again briefly on the way home. Saw some interesting bright violet flowers on a wall on our walk this evening. Smell of the river was salty, must have been a high tide.

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

[quote="SimpleMan"]1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
Not yet we've been out all evening and she's on the phone to D_ right now, I will check in when she's done.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Nothing specific, but nothign too bad either.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Will do so before bed.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
No work tomorrow.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Yes. Played some tunes earlier today, was fully engaged. about 30 mins

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Reading, went for a wander aroudn the city with W_, followed by dinner in TGIF. We will watch a movie in a bit.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
No, hoping to talk to D_ once W_ is done talking to her.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Physical contact, hugs, holding her hand out and about this evening. Felt close.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
No we were together all day.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Daily Monitoring.
Reread lesson 19, will continue to moniter and post observatiosn tomorrow.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
I feel quite balanced today.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
Little of note today. Statue guys seem to be multiplying around town. New spray paint artist on G_ St, has some nice work.
Unusual lack of buskers about this evening.

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
Yes.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
Walked into town today (abotu 30 min).

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
Will do so before bed.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
No work today.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
(i) Yes. (ii) No.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
Yes. Played some tunes earlier today, jammed some coutnry blues. Was engaged and in the moment with it. About 40 mins

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
Reading, we met K_ for coffee had a good time and got some sun. Will do some jigsaw later.

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
No, will be calling Mom later.

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
Yes. Physical contact, hugs, holding her hand out and about town. Told her how cute she is more than once.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
No we were together all day.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
Daily Monitoring.
Post week 2 Daily Monitoring Review.
Review Lesson 19 observations.
Start Lesson 20

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
I feel quite balanced today.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
Yes. Wind in the trees today, I realised how much I actually like that sound, it always reminds me of walking up the road at night in K_ when I was a kid. Some new flowers on the river wall, look almost like lupins but I don't think they are. Noticed a lot about how I behave (lesson 19 hypervigalence exercise).

SimpleMan · **Joined:** Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:31 pm **Posts:** 216

1. Did I check in with W__ about how she is feeling today?
Check In has become a natural nightly thing now I think.

2. Did I do something to protect/improve my health today (gym, food choices, lifestyle options)?
I need to look at this again and try to apply some planning to improve here. I am not doing enough to meet my goals in this area. My health is important (especially now with a grandchild on the way) and I need to be more proactive in this area of my life.

3. Did I take time to reflect and take stock of my state of mind and balance today? Did I complete my Daily Assessment?
The Daily Assessment is becoming pretty much a pre-bed ritual for me, it’s short and takes only a couple of minutes usually but it allows me to clear down my mind before bed, which helps me to sleep. It also helps me to put away any unresolved issues until tomorrow.

4. Did I plan tomorrow's work day? Is it manageable and realistic?
I need to be more realistic in my work planning, as far as I can be, as sometimes work can be very reactive. I am finding it useful to do this kind of planning though and when I have the freedom to follow through, iI can be more productive during the day.

5. Was I honest and open with W__ today? Did I lie, minimize, omit or cover up?
This is of critical importance, and I have not found any need or desire to lie or minimize. That is not to say that there are not times when it might feel easier to just agree or acquiesce against my judgment, but I have not done this and the couple of times it has arisen I have not been afraid to state my feelings regardless of the consequences.

6. Did I play music today? Was it mechanical or did I engage emotionally? For how long?
I am really starting to reengage with the guitar again, after so long. It is really great to be able to pick it up any time whether it is just a 5 minute window or a long spell of work. Playing is becoming really enjoyable and expressive again.

7. Did I take time to relax in a simple and healthy manner (jigsaw, reading etc)?
I am trying to consciously make some time for myself every day to relax. Sometimes it is hard (I don’t count flopping in front of the TV, unless it’s to watch something I really want to see).

8. Did I make contact (phone, text, email) with someone important in my life (D__, family, group members, friends)?
Getting better. It won’t happen every day, but it is important to avoid isolating. Plus, it’s nice to have people to share things with. Hmm Did I write that???

9. Did I show affection to W__ today? How did I demonstrate this?
This is getting more natural as well, in part because W__ is more likely to respond, and les likely to draw back. I think it is important that I continue to emphasise and affirm how I feel about her. Plus, it’s funand I like it.

10. Did I call W__ today? Was I attentive and focused on our conversation?
Calling from work has also become the norm now. If I am stuck in meetings all morning I am acutely conscious that I haven’t called and take the first opportunity to do so. I also usually try to let W__ know in advance if I am likely to be tied up.

11. Did I do any recovery work today (RN, Meeting, Journal etc)? What?
This is becoming easier to do. Not necessarily the work itself, but making time for the work. It’s becoming just something I do in the evening for a while.

12. How balanced am I today? If I'm not balanced, what can I do to restore it?
I measure my day by this question, which also concludes my Daily Assessment. Balance is the outcome that I am trying to achieve each day, and every balanced day is a good day and a step towards a healthy life.

13. Did I appreciate the journey today? Was I attentive to what was going on around me? What did I notice today?
It’s amazing the little things you can see. It’s not that I’ve never seen things before, I think it’s more about conscious awareness of my surroundings. I have also found myself becoming more aware of myself and how my surroundings affect me and my actions.

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