Recovery Nation

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change

I no longer want to feel like I am out of control when it comes to my destructive behaviours. I have always known that much of what I was doing was “wrong” in many ways, and I also knew deep down that it was destructive to my marriage, my family and my life. No matter the motivation for me feeling how I did when I started acting out, making the choices I did was in some ways the easy option to avoiding confrontation with my wife over how I was feeling, and as hard as that may have been at the time it is nothing compared to where I/we find ourselves today now that things are out in the open.

I am seeking to make a recovery as I want to be the man I always have strived to be, the man I was years ago before all this started. In other areas of my life I am looked up to, admired, I am successful and a strong and good friend. I want to be that person, again, to myself, my wife and my family and friends. I no longer want to feel like I have a terrible secret I am hiding. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud, again, of who I am. I have pulled myself, and by default those around me, down with my behaviours and I now see it as my primary goal in life to lift us all up again.

The person I was may always be in our mind, that is unavoidable, but the person I choose to be now is inevitable.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change

Nothing can match the guilt and shame that I have experienced over the last nine months, and in some ways years longer than that. I have hurt the person most dear to me in unimaginable ways, and we are both experiencing mind numbing pain as a result. In that way guilt and shame have become strange bedfellows to me, and while I do not enjoy their company I am comfortable with it, and am fully aware that they will be with me while I recover my health.

3) allowing yourself time to change.
Change for me is necessary, not only for my relationship but also for my health, and my life moving forward. As I said earlier I no longer want to be the person I became, and while I have stopped the behaviours I know I need to combat them through the exercises in these workshops. This will take time and effort, but I know the benefits will be worth it.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. List these in your recovery thread.

1. To rediscover the real me
2. To make those closest to me proud of me again
3. To stop living with lies
4. To lead a more fulfilling life
5. To re-establish the principles and values that I was raised to respect, and did so for many years
6. To be able to live a life where the only secrets I have do not require me to feel guilt (like Christmas presents)
7. To make my children see me as a great dad, not one that has upset their mother so much over something they will not really understand until they are older
8. To make my wife understand that the man she married was a good man, the man she thought she married, and for many reasons lost his way
9. Because I will get more happiness from leading a healthy lifestyle than I ever got from my behaviours
10. To repay the understanding and flexibility my employer has given me even though they are only partially aware of my situation
11. I will see permanent change as one of the major, if not the major achievement in my life
12. I don’t want to be a Sex Addict. To have to say those words to myself was gut wrenching
13. To repay my wife for the love, trust and hope she gave me/us after my initial disclosure, and yet through my lies I only managed to hurt her more
14. Because being what I was sucked!

C. I feel so sorry for this child as he had the love of two wonderful parents who gave him all the love, support, teaching and compassion he could ask for. They raised him to always do the right thing, and it was with this intention that he always wanted to live his life. I feel like I have let him down, but as I have now made the commitment to a healthy lifestyle I want to be able to look at the smiling image before me and imagine that it is him smiling at me because he is proud of what I have achieved in my recovery.

Hi Betterdays
welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality

Remember that RN is a vehicle to help you on the journey and the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading


Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

you have started open and honestly and that is great
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness
use any tool that is available that can add value to your efforts, not to make the journey easier but to make the journey permanent

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are mainly positive and mainly about you, it has to be that the main reason for wanting to change needs to be you, doing it for others opens up the way to failure
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Vision

I will be the man I always aspired to be in my youth, a person who is strong of character, who has integrity in all facets of his life, and is a leader who sets a good example to all those who look upon him.

I will continue to have a strong commitment to maintaining my health from both a physical and emotional/spiritual perspective. This will allow me to look, feel and be positive in all aspects of my life.

I will continue to dedicate myself to my work to ensure I achieve the best results possible, however will be more aware of the work/life balance. This is crucial to ensure my family know I place them first, above all else.

I will no longer be a “gunna” kind of guy. If I say I’m going to do something I will ensure a plan is made to make sure it is done, and within a defined time frame where appropriate. This will apply to fun things (like improving my guitar playing) through to the more important things in life (household chores, work duties).

I will be well planned yet spontaneous, strong willed yet compassionate, decisive yet flexible.

I will make more of an effort to interact with my children, introducing them to new experiences (in many cases for all of us), and helping them grow into even better people than they are now. I will be a role model for their behaviour, their protector from harm, the person they can laugh at or with, and in short their hero.

Finally I commit myself wholly and solely to my beautiful wife so that she knows she is the most special person on this earth, someone I would do absolutely anything for. I will be open, honest and loving with her, spiritually and physically, and ensure that we communicate at all levels so that we can grow as individuals and as a couple. I will be more sensitive to her needs, and be open with her so that she can be aware of mine.

I will enjoy and have control of my life.

Lesson 3

List of Values

1) Be of strong character
2) Have integrity
3) Lead by example
4) Be inspirational
5) Eat well
6) Stay healthy in mind, body and spirit
7) Exercise regularly
8) Keep a positive attitude even in tough and difficult times
9) See the good in every situation
10) See negatives as opportunities for improvement
11) Be conscientious
12) Work hard and efficiently at my job
13) Work hard and efficiently in my life
14) Word hard and efficiently in my relationships
15) Dedicate myself to the task at hand
16) Be the best I can be at whatever I do, and be satisfied that I have done so
17) Look to improve things next time
18) Balance my life so that I do not neglect important tasks and roles
19) Give respectful to all people I am in contact with
20) Commit fully to any task
21) Commit fully to those I love, particularly my family
22) Love with all my heart
23) Be a good friend
24) Be honest
25) Be trustworthy
26) Be reliable
27) Be a role model for my children
28) Be a friend to my children
29) Improve the way I communicate with my wife
30) Be receptive to her needs
31) Communicate my needs to her in a non-demanding way
32) Be a thoughtful and generous lover
33) Understand that everyone is different and respect that
34) Allow time for myself and my own needs
35) Be happy
36) Self discipline
37) Redevelop a thirst for knowledge
38) Challenge myself in different ways
39) Have control of my life
40) Enjoy each day as I live it
41) Feel good about myself
42) Earn the respect of the people I know
43) Fidelity
44) Be a strong husband and father
45) Feel appreciated
46) Be appreciative of others
47) Do not be dismissive of others needs
48) Do not be dismissive of my own needs
49) Like, even love, myself
50) Be humble
51) Take risks
52) Be adventurous
53) Being fun
54) Pride in myself

Dark Side

1) Dishonesty
2) Disloyalty
3) Inconsiderate
4) Selfishness (big one for me)
5) Going against my lifelong values
6) Disrespectful

H betterdays
you have made a reasonable start with your life vision but I do suggest that you don't consider it finished
it should be a work in progress something that you refer back to and check out your progress
I see it as being a little on the general side so maybe add in some more specifics with targets
also could you find room for other elements, the more you have the better it will withstand trauma
for example you could cover health, spirituality, security, friends

just a thought
it is your life and your recovery so the vision must be yours

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Hi Kenzo,

Thank you for your feedback and support.

I agree that the vision isn't finished and I will be adjusting from time to time as my life changes. For that reason, and others, I have not set targets for anything as elements of my life will also change (at least I hope...reconciliation with my wife for example) and there is no set timeline for that. I saying that my recovery is paramount in my life at the moment and I will be working towards it in a timely manner.

I see what I have written as the first chapter as it were, I have been able to stop the behaviours I was exhibiting, now to fully regain control of my life and understand what sent me in the direction I followed.

Regards

Betterdays

Lesson 4

Prioritise Values

1) Stay healthy in mind, body and spirit
2) Commit fully to those I love, particularly my family
3) Fidelity
4) Have integrity
5) Be honest
6) Be trustworthy
7) Be reliable
8) Be of strong character
9) Have control of my life
10) Pride in myself
11) Be a strong husband and father
12) Improve the way I communicate with my wife
13) Be receptive to her needs
14) Communicate my needs to her in a non-demanding way
15) Be a thoughtful and generous lover
16) Be a role model for my children
17) Be a friend to my children
18) Be inspirational
19) Work hard and efficiently in my life
20) Word hard and efficiently in my relationships
21) Work hard and efficiently at my job
22) Like, even love, myself
23) Love with all my heart
24) Balance my life so that I do not neglect important tasks and roles
25) Be the best I can be at whatever I do, and be satisfied that I have done so
26) Look to improve things next time
27) Self discipline
28) Feel good about myself
29) Allow time for myself and my own needs
30) Be happy
31) Eat well
32) Exercise regularly
33) Keep a positive attitude even in tough and difficult times
34) See the good in every situation
35) See negatives as opportunities for improvement
36) Be conscientious
37) Dedicate myself to the task at hand
38) Give respectful to all people I am in contact with
39) Commit fully to any task
40) Be a good friend
41) Understand that everyone is different and respect that
42) Lead by example
43) Redevelop a thirst for knowledge
44) Challenge myself in different ways
45) Enjoy each day as I live it
46) Earn the respect of the people I know
47) Feel appreciated
48) Be appreciative of others
49) Do not be dismissive of others needs
50) Do not be dismissive of my own needs
51) Be humble
52) Take risks
53) Be adventurous
54) Being fun

Lesson 5

1) Stay healthy in mind, body and spirit
2) Commit fully to those I love, particularly my family
3) Fidelity
4) Have integrity
5) Be honest
6) Be trustworthy
7) Be reliable
8) Be of strong character
9) Have control of my life
10) Pride in myself
11) Be a strong husband and father
12) Improve the way I communicate with my wife
13) Be receptive to her needs
14) Communicate my needs to her in a non-demanding way
15) Be a thoughtful and generous lover

Lesson 6

Stay healthy in mind, body and spirit
1) Remind myself each morning that I’m going to have a good day (I’m still alive despite all that is going on in my life)
2) I will not dwell on things that make me feel bad, which in the past has led to mistakes
3) I will not take for granted that which I have in the past
4) I will be honest, truthful and sincere
5) I will exercise more regularly
6) I will eat better, while still enjoying less healthy foods in moderation
7) I will ensure that decisions I make are morally and ethically sound
8) I will remind myself of mistakes I have made and the effect they have had on myself and those I love, but will find strength from my efforts to change for the better

Improve the way I communicate with my wife
1) I will be completely honest with her
2) I will be proactive in finding discussion time
3) I will choose the appropriate time and method of communicating my feelings to her
4) I will be completely open with her about my feelings and needs and why they are important to me
5) I will not be afraid of her reaction
6) I will make her aware if she has upset me and why
7) I will be responsive to things she needs to communicate to me
8) I will discuss constructively things we don’t agree on to find a suitable compromise (if needed)
9) Once agreed I will do what we have discussed
10) I will ensure that this is a regular occurrence (weekly/fortnightly) or as required
11) If a scheduled time for discussion becomes inconvenient I will reschedule
12) I will understand that communication for her means many things, not just verbal or physical communication

Be a strong husband and father
1) I will display my love and commitment to my family openly
2) I will dedicate more time to family situations/activities
3) I will schedule, as much as possible, those things I need to do so as to not clash with family time
4) I will foster an environment within the home that will encourage us all to do more things together
5) I will take note of the things that I can do to make them happy and do them
6) I will ensure they are aware of my needs and help them to understand why they are important to me

Lesson 7

Commit fully to those I love, particularly my family
1) I will place my family’s needs first (aside from my own health needs)
2) I will constantly reassure them through my actions and words they are my highest priority
3) I will ensure my own health (mind and body) is in peak condition
4) I will ensure my work/life balance is maintained at a level where I do not neglect my family in favour of work
5) I will remain faithful to my wife in all aspects of our life
6) I will repay their faith and support

Fidelity
1) I will remain faithful to my wife in all aspects of our life
2) I will place her on a pedestal so that she feels as special as she always should have felt
3) I will communicate with her openly and honestly
4) I will prove to my wife that I am the man she married and always thought I was
5) I will publicly renew the vows and pledge I made to her, and honour them for the rest of my life

Have integrity
1) I will uphold the values I was taught by my parents
2) I will live by a strict moral code
3) I will be honest
4) I will think before I act/speak
5) I will consider the ramifications of my actions before acting

Be honest
1) I will not tell lies
2) I will be open about my feelings and not hide behind concerns/fears
3) I will not have secrets
4) I will not hide behind a false facade

Be trustworthy
1) I will not have secrets
2) I will not tell lies
3) I will be completely open
4) I will not hide behind a false facade

Be reliable
1) I will do what I have said I would
2) I will prioritise my life
3) I will give realistic timelines
4) I will complete tasks in a timely manner

Be of strong character
1) I will uphold the values I was taught by my parents
2) I will be a leader to my family, friends and peers

Have control of my life
1) I will have a value system in place that is high in integrity that I can live by
2) I will not waver from these values
3) I will not give in to temptation
4) I will be fair in my dealings with others
5) I will remind myself regularly how easy it was to lose my way, and how much better it feels to be healthy

Pride in myself
1) I will celebrate my success in reclaiming my life
2) I will remember what I have beaten to get my life back on track
3) I will not allow thoughts of my old life to drag me down
4) I will keep a positive mental attitude
5) I will look for opportunities for positives when negative thoughts invade my mind
6) I will pride myself on ensuring my children are educated to grow into fine young people or high moral and ethical fibre
7) I will treat other people with the respect they deserve

Be receptive to my wife’s needs
1) I will listen to, not just hear, what she says
2) I will understand that her needs may be different to mine
3) I will ask questions if I do not understand
4) I will check with her in time to make sure I am still fulfilling her needs or if there is new ones

Communicate my needs to my wife in a non-demanding way
1) I will be open and honest to her about what my needs are
2) I will explain them to her in a clear and concise way allowing her to understand the full reasons for them
3) I will be patient if she does not understand and try to make things clearer
4) I will not be afraid of her reactions
5) I will encourage her to speak to me at any time if she has questions/problems
6) I will remind her in a non-nagging way if there continues to be problems

Be a thoughtful and generous lover (“lover” in the holistic sense of physical and emotional love)
1) I will be a passionate and giving partner
2) I will make sure we schedule private time for ourselves
3) We will reignite our love/sex life by getting back to how we used to be, and even how things have been over the last year, but...
4) I will not allow things to stagnate
5) I will remember the things, big and small, that are important to her
6) I will surprise her with my thoughtful and sincere actions

Lesson 8

Unable to be completed at this stage

Lesson 9

I would expect complete and utter honesty about everything that has happened. I differ from my wife in that she has required some further details of my behaviour that I would not want to know if the situation was reversed, for example times, dates, names and locations. However for me complete honesty does not necessarily require all the minute details.

Insist that they truly understand and acknowledge the true depth and level of pain, humiliation and damage that they have caused to me, our relationship and to anyone else affected (i.e.: our family).

Complete honesty about what if anything I had done to contribute, either directly or indirectly, to the behaviour displayed. No matter how much it would hurt to find out I may have contributed in some way I would need this to ensure I was able to deal with my own issues and healing. If they can’t tell me these things then how can I expect honesty about themselves.

I would require an absolute assurance that these behaviours/occurrences have stopped, and then would require as much proof as possible to ensure that this is happening.

Understanding that I will have moments where I will feel it more than others and that this may require them to be close to me, or it may be that I don’t need them close. In my case it would probably be the former more often than the later as I would need the closeness for reassurance.

Constant words, signals and gestures of remorse for their actions, and also for my own reassurance and confidence.

Complete openness and information about any work trips that they went on, what their basic movements were and if there was any chance they would be in contact with the person/s involved in previous situations.

To be advised if any of the people involved in affairs or ONS situations ever made contact again, and if so what it was regarding and if they responded in any way. Any further contact initiated by her to them would be completely unacceptable.

Willingness to allow their computer, email accounts and phone records to me available to me if requested.

An acceptance that our relationship, even if/when mended to the point of being able to reconcile would never be the same as it had been, and that she would have to be as involved as me in recreating our ‘new’ relationship.

I would also understand that I had to live by the same rules I was laying out to them. I would make it clear to them that this was the case and stick to it.

An addition to the above...

Seek help. Discover what the problem/s are that have caused these things to occur, acknowledge there is a problem (as well as possible external), and find the treatments that will help you restore your own health

Lesson 10

Reading through the forums it is interesting to note that people sometimes answer these questions in both present and past tense. As I have read the questions literally I will be answering them in the present tense.

I do not have a stash of any images, emails or any other items relating to the affairs or compulsive behaviour I displayed. I have not accessed email accounts, websites or kept anything relating to that time of my life.

I have not used anyone other than my wife as a sexual/romantic stimulant for many months. This is because that between the first of my disclosures through until our trial separation (after my third disclosure) our sex life had returned to, and in some ways surpassed, how it had been prior to the gradual deterioration of our sex life.

The only place I go to is my bed or the shower.

Lesson 12

Personal observations marked by **

Their motivation for recovery comes from an attempt to appease others (e.g. to save a relationship)
** When I first started reading RN I suspected this would be a category I would fall into. This is possibly why I did not start using the workshops when my wife asked me to, not sure on this, but it’s possible and was a huge mistake in many ways. As I read more and began to understand the depth of my addiction I realised that my primary motivation is and will always be my own health, and if I can become healthy I have a far better chance of saving my relationship.

They consistently measure the success of their recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.
** I felt this over the first few workshops, but now take a great deal of personal satisfaction from the choices in how I’m living my life. This has been more pleasing for me as emotionally I am at an unknown place as I’m not sure where I stand in my relationship. I am pleased that the emotional turmoil has not made me even consider acting out again or look at porn.

They continue to identify themselves with their addiction and cannot imagine a life without such an association.
** I still identify myself as having an addiction, but I can see clearly that I do have a life waiting for me without it.

Lesson 13

Personal observations marked by **

Early Recovery: "Understanding/Recognizing the Behavior"
• In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness and suicide. **never suicide!
• In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviours understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life. Unfortunately, this tends to overwhelm them, distract them, etc., but it is fairly common...and a good sign that their desire to change is sincere.
• In early recovery, these individuals may be all across the board in terms of treatment, and may display many similar traits as to those in the "Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle With Relapse" category above. ** so far so good

Middle Recovery : "Actual Recovery"
• They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviours that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
• Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
• They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
• They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioural patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.
• They perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.
• Relapse triggers are experienced not as a threat, but an opportunity.
• They recognize failure as a learning experience--but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception. ** Again, so far so good!
• They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not "defective", but "deficient".
• They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behaviour. ** AMEN!
• They see their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").
• They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged. ** Everything has been removed from my life that caused destruction.
• They tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have affected on others--especially those closest to them. This frequently triggers true remorse, temporary depression, temporary helplessness--but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to people in other, more healthy ways. ** I experience this daily, it’s finding the best way to make it up to my wife and children (wife in particular) that is proving more difficult at this stage.
• Significant others tend to experience these individuals with cautious optimism. They can see the changes taking place, but remain unable to commit to their partner's fully--as they continue to doubt their own judgment (a consequence of the shocking discovery of the addiction's reality). ** You’d have to ask my wife about this but (hopefully) this is where we are at the moment.

Late Recovery : "From Recovery to Health"
• They have complete confidence in their ability to manage their life and are moving forward with their dreams in a rational, planned manner.
** I’m under no illusions that I am at the “From Recovery to Health” step as yet, there is still much work to be done, but I am completely confident I am moving in the right direction.

Considering Values
I’m someone who for many years would start reading a book, then for some unknown reason, after the first chapter or so, I would read the last paragraph of the last page, at times ruining the climax of the story (eg: The Day After Tomorrow...if you haven’t read it DO NOT do what I did!!!!). As I was doing this lesson I was so glad I had not followed this pattern as it would have been detrimental to the observations I have made. I think that the above matches in very well with the prioritised values I created in lesson 4, and this has been a very positive experience, particularly as I have had a very difficult, emotional day.