Recovery Nation

Lesson 25

Compulsive Ritual – Porn Surfing/Online Chatting

1) Had bad experience/felt bad about element of marriage
2) Became depressed
3) Knew computer was nearby
4) Began surfing porn
5) Became aroused
6) Log in to contact site and/or check secret email addresses
7) Log into online chat service
8) Start conversations with contacts
9) Attention given to me made me feel better (even tho in most cases they were not talking to ‘me’ in the literal sense)
10) Search for new contacts
11) Establish new contact/s
12) Receive new images (accomplishment)
13) Felt important
14) Climax
15) Stopped behaviour, deleted evidence from computer
16) Mixed emotions on behaviour
17) Felt shame, promise myself not to do it again

I have also completed this exercise on some of the other rituals I participated in. Very helpful!

Lesson 26

1) Initiate romantic/sexual behaviour with my wife early in the day, seemed to be reciprocated
2) After children in bed attempt to begin romantic interlude
3) Wife seemingly more interested in other activity (in the case I’m thinking of phone game)
4) Feel unimportant/neglected/rejected
5) Want/need to communicate with someone who will give me the attention I desire
6) Awareness that there are people I chat to online who can give me this need
7) Begin to look at porn to quickly take away my bad feelings
8) Look at female body and couples images and videos
9) Become aroused, begin to masturbate
10) Log in to contact sites, assume alias
11) Log in to online chat service
12) Look for new messages
13) Look for new contacts
14) Either initiate conversation or respond to contact from others
15) Small talk to begin
16) Start to feel better, important, not rejected
17) Conversation turn sexual, feed this
18) Ask for images from couples or females
19) If I obtain porn from these people feel good as they must trust me with their private life (although there is deception here on my part, see below)
20) Continue with sexual conversation
21) Prolong conversation as long as I feel I want to
22) Climax
23) Keep conversation going long enough to be polite
24) Say goodbye
25) Log out of sites/chat
26) Remove evidence from computer – practical part of ritual finishes
27) Feel satisfied as I feel better than I did, but then guilt and regret start to appear (guilt primarily about what I have done to wife by doing this, but also about how I have sunk to a pretty low level)
28) Promise myself not to do it again
29) Go to bed, see wife, feel more regret, but also have feelings of disappointment that the night did not pan out as I had hoped

Lesson 27

Multiple Chains – looking at online porn and being promiscuous - having several ONS events and an 18 month affair.

Multiple Rituals – looking at online porn, masturbating, joining chat rooms to get access to more porn, developing online ‘relationships’ with real people with a view to getting more porn.

I think I have the above right, well at least the way I’ve read it works for me.

In the past as I’ve read through workshops I often very quickly find that I am reading a very accurate description of much of my behaviour, and more importantly the thoughts and feelings I recognise (now) that were going through my head at the time all this was occurring. This workshop however, probably more than any other, completely summed up my experience, my thoughts, my emotions and my behaviour throughout these last years. Being honest I actually very emotional while reading it, it hit me that hard. Why did I cry...well because as we all know we often feel that no one can understand how we could do the things we did, that no one else could or would understand the reasons why we did what we did, and because at the time we were behaving like we were we either didn’t realise why we were doing what we did, or at least were in denial about our reasons. Reading this workshop I can see exactly why I went from looking at porn to having a long term affair. The hopelessness of my situation became very apparent.

In my case I don’t necessarily think that everything mentioned applies to me, but I guess that’s the beauty of it. As an example right throughout the period I was behaving the way I was I never got to the point where I felt I had to engage or I would not “feel right”. In fact I had many periods of not acting out, and also times when things were fairly good at home but I was still behaving as I was on more of a “fun” level (probably not the right description, but I hope you get the drift). Of course I now recognise that this was still part of the addiction, so I’m not trying to sneak out the back door. The reality is the communication problems we had were always there, no matter how good other things were, and my lack of awareness of this area of my life didn’t allow me to do anything about it.

Overall though I found this a very confronting, and most importantly accurate description of what I have been through. It also makes me upset that I didn’t do more to better the communication we had, make my wife truly understand why and for what reasons I was upset, push through her denials and “not seem to care” attitude, seek counselling and if I had I have no doubt I would not be writing this. I might add I have always accepted 100% of the blame for the decisions I made to follow the path I did, no one else is responsible for that, however we both must share the blame for the issues we had in our marriage.

Lesson 28

I’m not too sure how much my answers to this lesson would differ from Workshop 26. I guess what I’ll try and do is actually the reverse of what the workshop asks, I’ll actually go back to an very old event as I see more benefit for me here. As I’ve stated earlier I am not acting out any longer, but am here for the understanding of how/what/why and how to make sure I don’t go back down that path.

Compulsive Chain
Look at online porn – made me feel good
Start to look for “amateur” porn – feels more ‘real’ so I feel better/different
Join dating site – used for conversational reasons as well as sexual (porn only). The conversation was to make me feel important.
Acted out by setting up false female profile with view to getting more contacts and therefore ‘real’ porn – made me feel better again (habituation setting on with “professional” porn)
Succeeded in getting what I was after – accomplishment
Orgasm – physical and some emotional release

Additional Elements which could have occured
Webcam or chat room sex
Physical meetings (did not happen with online contacts in my case)

Lesson 29

Sadness, Regret and Despair
1) for the situation our family is now in
2) for the people I have let down with my actions
3) for the fact that we will live with this for the rest of our lives even if we are able to reconcile (though this is looking less likely, however I have not given up all hope)
4) for the fact that the man I was for so long would not have considered doing what I have done as prior to this I always lived with high values
5) that if I had told my wife everything from the start we may not now be in this position (see Fear below)
6) for how we let our relationship change

Loneliness
1) how I feel now when I am alone (it’s different now).

Anger and Frustration
1) that my wife would not listen to me when I tried to tell her I was unhappy with things (e.g. how she spoke to me at times)
2) that my feelings were not important enough to her at times to change the way she acted towards me in these cases
3) that she felt she could say something like “well if you don’t like it, leave!” when we argued about something, before she knew of my acting out and affairs, and think that it would not upset me
4) that when I did try to rekindle the romance in our relationship I was met with literally no reaction, either positive or negative
5) that I fell into the routine and rituals that I did
6) towards myself for taking the easy way out
7) for not being strong enough make what I knew were the right decisions
8) that there are some blatant double standards in place, both within our own family unit and also within our extended family

Fear
1) before I made my initial disclosure to my wife
2) was the reason I did not make a full disclosure at that time, or the second time
3) that we will not reconcile
4) of the future if that happens
5) to a lesser extent how things will go if we do
6) that my children when they are older will respect and love me less because of my actions

Happiness
1) how we were (generally) on our overseas family holiday last year (post disclosures 1&2)
2) how we have been for most of our lives together
3) how we felt when our children were born
4) how I’ve felt when I have achieved something good in my life
5) on the day we married, the happiest of my life

Love
1) what I felt on the day we married
2) the first time I told her I loved her
3) what I truly felt on the day we married, and every day since (it’s true)
4) the look she gave me so many times
5) how I’ve always felt when I held her
6) the look in my children’s eyes
7) the support our children are giving both of us in this traumatic time, despite them not really knowing much about what has gone on, and they are probably very confused themselves
8) by and large we have always enjoyed unwavering support for each other in any endeavour

Anxiety – I’m most anxious about trying to save our marriage. My wife has said that she can’t see it happening, but as I said above I have not given up all hope. In many ways I can’t. Our trial separation earlier this year has also produced financial worries, which while they are not critical are making life any easier. Throw in work pressures...well you get the picture.

I guess it’s been a long time since I’ve felt little or no anxiety, at the very least there has been work pressures or dissatisfaction with where we were living (in another city). I’d probably have to go back 10 years or so, we were both working and earning good money together, no kids (not that I would ever not want to have them), and life was good. We still had our moments, but in general life was easy.

The exercise with a mild compulsive behaviour was really a non-event. I did try it, but wasn’t tempted.

Lesson 31

A) Stressors
1) Facing possible divorce – extreme
2) Less contact with my wife – extreme
3) Our approaching anniversary (yesterday) – extreme
4) Not knowing what I can do to help save our marriage - extreme
5) Not seeing my children as much as I want to – extreme
6) My own loss of self respect because of my actions – severe
7) Financial pressures due to separation - severe
8) Work pressures for results – moderate
9) Insufficient time to do all I need to – mild to moderate
10) Having to assist those I shouldn’t have to with work issues – mild
11) Keeping my physical health intact - mild

B) To be honest I don’t see a lot of my stress reflected in those values. Although there are some of these values related to the stressors the situation of our marriage has changed a lot since then, and I guess it’s the stress of not being able to live with these values that is the difference here. In saying that things like fidelity, being of strong character, being a good father, being honest, trustworthy and reliable I’m living by, and other than point 6) above they are not really affected by the stressors. Then again I could look at it another way and as many of my values are related to having a successful marriage, perhaps they are more related to the stress U have that I first thought.

C) Yes I see this pattern in my life. Although I am for much of the time consumed with my thoughts of my relationship and where my life is going, I do take the time to accept praise from others, and most importantly from myself when I deserve it. I am living by my values listed and feel very proud of this fact as I was in a deep mire for so long. I am living my life now based on the values I listed so from that point of view am taking a great deal of stimulation and meaning from how that side of my life is going.

As a side note when I started doing these I did wonder if I would still be doing these lessons I did wonder if I would still be doing them a) this far in, and b) if it looked like my marriage was not going to survive. I’m pleased to say that I am getting a lot from them, very positive feelings in a very dark time, and am actually enjoying a lot of them. I have no doubt I’ll finish them and reap the benefits completely...and I still haven’t given up on my marriage

Lesson 32

1) Stay healthy in mind, body and spirit
Managing this very well in my opinion. Looking through the list of things I wanted to achieve here I am following them as I had hoped I would. I do still dwell on how my relationship is going (which makes me feel bad), but find this is more when I am doing things like falling asleep, driving the car, etc. where my mind is working on its own time, but once I am busy with work or playing with the kids that helps. If bad thoughts come in I can usually push through them.

2) Commit fully to those I love, particularly my family
This is fine.

3) Fidelity
A no contest, not even remotely interested in breaking this.

4) Have integrity
If anything outside my addiction my integrity has strengthened during this time. Within my addiction, and as mentioned in the lesson my self esteem, I’m still having issues here as I try and improve how I feel about myself. For the first time in a long while I was able to feel good about praise I received two weeks ago, this was a positive step.

5) Be honest
Not having a problem here. I am being honest.

6) Be trustworthy
As above.

7) Be reliable
As with my integrity outside my addiction I think this has strengthened over the last two months. In many ways back to the old me.

8) Be of strong character
As above.

9) Have control of my life
Define “control”. If I have control over the things I can influence then this is going pretty well, save for my self esteem which I’m working on. There are aspects of my life beyond my control which naturally I can’t control, yet they are very important to me. I guess the things I can control are the most vital, and I’m OK here.

10) Pride in myself
I’ll get there. Still some way to go, and I can take heart from efforts I’m making as a recovering addict, an employee, a father and a friend.

11) Be a strong husband and father
1 out of 2 – praying for the chance to prove the 1st.

12) Improve the way I communicate with my wife
I wrote this action plan when things were somewhat different in our relationship, and while some of the things I listed have been able to be put into place others have not as yet. Again I pray that I’ll be given the chance.

13) Be receptive to her needs
Trying here, need to be more mindful at times but it’s only when I’m reeling in the ‘pit of dispair’ that I weaken.

14) Communicate my needs to her in a non-demanding way
I think I’m doing well her in as much as our situation will allow.

15) Be a thoughtful and generous lover
Again, have not been able to follow through with this. Still a major priority for me.

Adjusted Action Plans - I have only adjusted two plans as the rest I am happy with and they are still the most important things to me.

Have control of my life
1) I will have a value system in place that is high in integrity that I can live by
2) I will not waver from these values
3) I will not give in to temptation
4) I will be fair in my dealings with others
5) I will remind myself regularly how easy it was to lose my way, and how much better it feels to be healthy
6) I will have an understanding that I can control many aspects of my life, however for those I cannot control I must learn to work through these areas with them bringing me down

Pride in myself
1) I will celebrate my success in reclaiming my life
2) I will remember what I have beaten to get my life back on track
3) I will not allow thoughts of my old life to drag me down
4) I will keep a positive mental attitude
5) I will look for opportunities for positives when negative thoughts invade my mind
6) I will pride myself on ensuring my children are educated to grow into fine young people or high moral and ethical fibre
7) I will treat other people with the respect they deserve
8) I will accept praise gratefully when deserved and allow myself to enjoy the feelings

Lesson 33

It’s been a while since my last post due to my internet connection being slowed to the pace of a snail, and this has not allowed me to use the internet effectively enough to post. It seems to be improving slightly so giving it a shot...hopefully I’ll get these posted.

I have been doing the exercises, and to summarise the days since I started is a little difficult. The weekend in particular as there was two major blow ups with my wife which were very emotional, very intense and very soul destroying in some ways, for both of us. If there was anything good (not that there was anything good in them really) it was that many of the emotions these blow ups brought up in me would be the things that would have led me down dark paths in time gone by. They didn’t. Thank God I play guitar...

Not all the emotions I’ve listed below resulted from these encounters, in fact only a few did. These are very much “in the moment” observations.

1) Fear – in many degrees. Fear that my marriage will not survive, fear that I will lose contact with my children, fear at how my/our friends will feel if they learn of my behaviour, fear about how my wife will react when she comes home (we are living separately, but I was with the kids at her place until she got home on Saturday). The anticipation in most cases was far worse than the reality...the fear of the unknown. In the past fear was not one of the main driving factors to my behaviour but it no doubt played a part. When experiencing these fears over this period it only served to strengthen my resolve to fight harder to help our relationship survive, even though at times the odds seem insurmountable. They also led to another emotion...

2) Sadness/Despair – if ever I was going to fall off the wagon then these would be the emotions that would cause it. I recognise that these are the reasons I travelled down the path I took, caused me to make poor decisions, and kept me there even when I really didn’t want to be there. As has been discussed previously it is so easy to fall victim to the joy/happiness that you feel when you are behaving badly to cover your hurt/pain/anxiety and even fear. This has been made even worse this week as my thoughts included not only how my behaviour has affected our family, but also how it has affected our extended family. In the past when I have felt bad emotionally I would allow myself the “pleasure” of my behaviour, and all this did was feed the addiction and place me in a position to extend this behaviour, it led to the ONS’s and affair. As weird as it sounds I took strength at times through these emotions, resolved that they (the emotions) would not drag me back into the pit I was once in, and I anticipated that even if I did I would only end up feeling worse than I was if I relapsed. In the hell hole I was in at the time this was a ray of sunshine. It was good.

3) Anger/Frustration – so similar in some ways, poles apart in others. For me I can be frustrated without the harsh feelings of anger, and I can be angry without being frustrated at something/someone. I was never someone who had a lot of anger inside, but I do think this has increased over the time I have been with my wife. I’m not totally blaming her, but I have struggled at times to get my point across, to have her accept a variety of opinions, and get her to understand how her actions have had impacts of many types. This is still a frustration today. It is hard when even in our current situation she does not think about the impact something she has made public will affect me also, so when I asked her to remove it from public view I was the bad guy. I respect her right to do as she needs, but there has to be a modicum of consideration for other parties involved. Again this is something that could have unravelled my recovery, an “I’ll get her back” moment, but once I rationalised the incident and was able to somewhat deflect the anger inside me and channel it into a place that allowed it to dissipate safely.

4) Happiness/Achievement – all the above and what I achieved at the end of each occurrence did give me a sense of achievement and a deal of happiness. Sure some of that was tinged strongly with those other emotions but achievement is the goal here for me. In addition I had some wonderful moments with my eldest son on the weekend with his sporting achievements. Never the most naturally gifted player he always gives his all and was rewarded with some great results and recognition from his coach. While his determination to do well is a key to this so is the work he and I had done together, particularly on the mental side of his game. I have also taken great pleasure from the results and feedback from both our boys’ teachers at the 1st term assessment. Outstanding results and you can see the teachers enjoy teaching our kids as much as our kids love learning from these particular teachers. It brings more than a single tear to your eye...Oh, and the solos in Sweet Child o’ Mine are awesome when you nail them!

All in all I probably didn’t spend as much time as I’d have liked doing these assessments, unfortunately the week that was has been so totally frantic that it was easy to get caught up in the here and now rather than being able to reflect for a few moments. Definitely a worthwhile exercise however and one I will continue to do.

Lesson 34

A) Immediate Gratification – As mentioned earlier from a young age I used to start reading a book, and then after a short number of pages, perhaps 20-30, I would skip to the end and read the last few paragraphs of the book. I have no idea why I did it, and certainly I don’t recall there being a “need” to do it, it was just something I did. It wasn’t until Coach Boundless pointed out how this was an example of Immediate Gratification that I could see the link. I still don’t think I had a need to do this, I guess it was more just a curiosity. I might add I stopped doing it about 12 years ago when I ruined the story in “The Day After Tomorrow”...have not done it since.

From my addictions point of view I can see a million examples. When I was not having my needs met in my relationship I used porn, and then ultimately personal contact to fulfil the needs I was missing. It is as clear as the nose on my face. What started as a simple process (looking at porn to fulfil a short term physical need) eventually developed into having a long term affair to fulfil the emotional need. This is a classic example of habituation as well.

B) I am going from memory now as I have not had these urges for almost a year. The best way I can describe the feeling of trying not to act is probably frustration. Frustration that my emotional and/or physical needs were not going to be met, although this was probably not my conscious thought. I sense there was also some frustration in some ways that my relationship was not fulfilling these needs. There was also guilt in some ways as even though I was trying not to act I was thinking that I HAD acted in the past and knew it was wrong.

C) In a bizarre way I would say the feeling was peace and calm, or more precisely relief along with the feeling of importance which I was also missing. Relief that the emotional needs were being met. I think as my addiction progressed through the years and the behaviour became more destructive it was again an example of habituation, fuelled by the emotional connection in our relationship reducing. This was heartbreaking for me as I truly didn’t want it to, but I chose the easy way out, or more precisely the way that would not result in confrontation, when it came to confronting it, and took comfort in what I was achieving through my behaviour. When my behaviour became worse (i.e. physical contact) I believe what resulted for me was still a feeling of peace, calm and relief, however it evoked different emotions, i.e. love, which I now know was an illusion. This again fuelled my emotional database until I came to a point where I could no longer, and didn’t want to sustain it.

This isn't really habituation so much as it's increasing the intensity of your rituals in order to add emotional stimulation to make up for the emotions from your relationship decreasing. Habituation can be involved...but typically when an escalation in the addiction occurs due to specific life events, it wouldn't be due to tolerance, so much as managing the emotions and stress you are feeling due to that life event. Tolerance would be more like the slow habituation that happens over time.

As the lessons on emotions show, everyone needs a certain amount of emotional stimulation to both feel positive and to balance stress. If we feel overwhelmingly stressed, and don't have the skills to balance that in healthy ways, it is almost a survival mechanism that we find ways to deal with it, in this case, with compulsive sexual rituals. Consider this over the course of your entire life: almost without fail, you can usually see that the times that your addiction significantly escalated (ie. your rituals started lasting longer, became more intense, or you added new rituals and chains with new behaviours), were times in your life that were particularly stressful, emotional, chaotic, etc. Usually when people start recovery, there is almost an exasperated "How did I end up like this?!" reaction. But when you look back over your life, it is usually relatively easy to see your patterns progress over time. These are important connections to make, in terms of accepting your past and rebuilding your identity and future.



Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Thank you for corrcting me there Boundless. You are correct, the escalation in intensity is more correct than habituation, particularly based on the events that caused it.

I understand what you mean about looking back over my life to see patterns forming. In my case this is really the only highly stressful situation I've had (unbelievably so), so I can't see a pattern over previous events. I'm sure something has occured, but I am fairly confident I approached dealing with it in a more "normal" way.

Thanks for the insights. :)

Lesson 35

I’m using a combination of my Proactive Action Plans and Weekly Health Monitoring items as I think these are the best places for me to focus.
1) Today I’m going to look for opportunities to feel better about myself and the direction I’m heading in.

This is based on the fact that I am still very down on myself about my behaviour and the effect it has had onme, my beautiful wife, our children and those around us.

Weekly Agenda

1) Did I ensure I spent time each day exercising, learning something new on the guitar, doing something new with the kids or improving my work performance? What from this list worked best at the time, or was there soething else I discovered that worked just as well?
2) Looking back over the week what issues did I have to deal with (work/private)? Am I happy with the way these were handled and did a positive result occur?
3) What did I do to balance my emotions if things did not go as planned? Did I seek a positive way to deal with these issues?
4) Ensure I look over my diary for the following week, don’t just look one day ahead?

Lesson 36

1) Although this event was in no way premeditated in its first instance I allowed myself to find emotional comfort from a person I had just met and who was showing interest in me. I did not at the time believe that there was any flirting going on, certainly not from my side, the interest seemed to be more of a general “getting along well with a new acquaintance’ nature. Unfortunately as the night progressed I allowed myself to break my boundaries and I slept with this person. Moving forward I did not contact this person, however when she contacted me again I did not ask her to cease all contact I continued to communicate with her, breaking further boundaries, and ultimately it ended up as an affair.

2) In social situations, whether they be for work, in my part time role as a musician, or in a purely social environment, I ensure I am polite, courteous, and do what is required to not come across as rude, however I ensure that I do not behave in any way that could be misconstrued as flirty, sexually interested or behave in any way that misleads anyone as to my intentions. In a sense I treat these situations as a purely business like way, allowing me to achieve what is required to present myself in a positive light without compromising my values.

Lesson 37

Value - Be Honest
1) I will be honest in all aspects of my life
2) I will not hide behind “little white lies” to lessen the extent of an event/occurrence
3) I will not ask or allow others to lie for me to cover my actions (and have never done so)
4) I will accept that lies I have told in the past make it difficult for some people to believe/trust me fully in the future
5) I will be an open book for those that require proof of my behaviour
6) There will be no omissions
7) When I have concerns or problems in a relationship I will make them known , in full, as soon as practical
8) I will ensure my value system remains the fittest part of my being
9) I will expect the same in return

Value – Fidelity
1) I will never again cheat in any form
2) I will not allow myself to even in the slightest way give anyone the impression that I am open to advances, or that I am flirting with them
3) I will conduct myself as a person of high values and virtues
4) I will not consciously put myself into situations where those with low values can try to have an effect on me
5) Should the above occur I will tell them politely but firmly that I am not interested and remove myself from the situation
6) I will respect my wife in all ways possible, emotionally and physically

Value – Stay healthy in mind, body and spirit
1) I will live my life with high principles and values
2) I will not compromise these principles for any reason
3) I will ensure I stay fit and healthy
4) I will take steps to find new interests that make me happy
5) I will take pleasure from positive feedback on my behaviour/performance
6) I will always remember the work I have done to beat my addiction and the positive effect it will have on my life

Absolute Boundaries
1) I will not do anything that I cannot tell my wife or children about
2) I will always do things that will make my sons proud of me
3) I will never return to the behaviours I have engaged in that have led to the situation I am in

Lesson 38

Situation 1 – My wife and I have discussed having a threesome with another woman on several occasions as it appealed to both of us, however we have never made any effort to take things further. After my initial admission and our subsequent attempts to rekindle our sex life this was brought up again, and although we only spoke of it it was decided that if it was to happen it would only be once we were on a VERY level footing again.

On the last night we were together it came up again and she was using “sexy talk” about it during our lovemaking, with us both being involved with the “other person”. It actually made me uncomfortable (we had not discussed it for some time) as I felt that for us to completely reconcile our relationship, and as fidelity had been a big part of our problems, it would probably not be the best thing for us to do.

As I see it now if we are able to reconcile and the subject came up again I would have a lot of trouble agreeing to it (my wife would have to bring it up). The only way I could see it happening is if I was completely passive in the experience, but even then I’d find it hard to be comfortable. If we are to reconcile then fidelity HAS to be one of the most important things in our life so this situation would not be acceptable.

Situation 2 – I work in sales (OK, no stereotypes please), so telling “little white lies” at times can be beneficial to results. Of course this can backfire if you’re caught out, but still it can be useful to, well, stretch the truth shall I say.

Realistically this situation occurs on a very regular basis, and at times it is hard to be completely honest. That said it is possible in almost all cases to address the issue completely honestly while still putting a certain amount of “spin” into your response/argument. There are also cases where it is just best to face a negative situation and accept the issue that’s arisen, but go about finding a solution that is suitable to all parties.

I have been putting this procedure into practice for some time now in my work, and without thinking about it I have been able to address all difficult situations effectively without the need to hide behind anything untrue. It will however be something that I continue to face while I am doing this role, so having this boundary will only give me further personal development, and the confidence to live by this value in all parts of my life.