Recovery Nation

So...day one. I am committed to recovery. To healing what is broken inside of me. I commit to following the steps, to doing what it takes. I accept what I've done in my past. I have forgiven myself and will keep my eyes focused on the road ahead, not on where I've been. I know complete healing will not happen overnight. I know and understand that true change will take time, effort and work.

Hi Pixie

welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

looking forwards to reading your posts which should be full and complete not simply ticks in a box , wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

My Reasons for Wanting to Change...

1. I want to have internal pride in my behavior.
2. I want to feel any relationship I am in is healthy for both of us.
3. I want to keep myself safe.
4. I want to be a good example to my children.
5. I want to feel light-hearted.
6. I want to feel well-pleased with my life and where it's heading.
7. I want to feel like I am in control.
8. I want to feel valuable and worthy.
9. I want to feel good about how I conduct myself.
10. I want to be able to stick to boundaries I set for myself.
11. I want to know that I'm making the right choices for the right reasons, not letting this thing control me.
12. I want to know I am healed.

As I gaze into the eyes of myself as a child, I feel all the pain and anguish that child has suffered through her life. The emotional abuse her father heaped upon her, the neighbor who molested her, the day her father decided he would ask if he could have sex with her, the boys and men that followed. My heart aches for her. I make her a promise this day, to heal my heart, for her sake. She was an innocent child who never deserved any of the abuse she had to suffer through. She is worthy of so much more. She deserves a heart that is whole and healthy. She deserves all the hard work and effort that this journey through recovery will ask of me.

Lesson 2: My Vision for the Future

Standing at the pinnacle of a new life, a new me, I am envisioning what I want the new me to look like. I believe she will have a beautiful heart that loves to serve others, she will treat others with dignity and respect, she will love and respect herself enough that she will have clearly defined boundaries that she will not cross herself and will not allow others to cross. She will show love before other emotions, she will endeavor to never stop learning and growing, she will maintain a healthy lifestyle, including diet and exercise. She is a good mother, who deeply loves her children, she chooses to be a good role model to them, to show them through her actions more than her words how to love and respect themselves, she will protect them as best she can. She will base her decisions on what she would advise her daughter to do if ever she was in the same situation. She is a good daughter and a good friend. She is a Christian, a hard worker, dependable, honest, trustworthy. She takes pride in doing a job well. She spends time and effort on keeping her relationships with friends and loved ones growing, healthy and strong. She sets and works to achieve goals in her life, like buying a home, returning to college, getting a new car. She is deserving of love and commitment from a worthy Christian man. She has dreams, like traveling to England and Scotland to see a castle, that she will develop into a goal and work towards. She will continue to develop her bucket list and to actively work on accomplishing things on that list, as time and money permit. She will explore new activities, like gardening, hiking, outdoor activities and jewelry making, to discover what she enjoys and will pursue those interests that intrigue her.

Lesson Three:


My Practical Values:

1. To never through words or actions intentionally hurt another
2. Filter what I say
3. Control anger
4. To show love to others
5. Be giving
6. Help when/where I can
7. Listen
8. Give advice only when asked for
9. Protect my children from negative influences
10. Show my children healthy ways to express emotions
11. Be responsible
12. Handle my money in a responsible way
13. Keep bills paid on time
14. Keep food in the house and provide necessities as needed
15. Maintain an organized home
16. Strengthen my relationship with my children
17. Strengthen my relationship with my mother
18. Strengthen my relationship with my siblings
19. Strengthen my relationship with my friends
20. Read my Bible and pray daily
21. Seek new friendships
22. Explore new activities, like gardening, outdoor activities, jewelry making
23. Learn Spanish
24. Read books that will teach me, not just entertain
25. Discover new music artists
26. Spend my time on worthy pursuits
27. Define my boundaries and write them out
28. List consequences of not sticking to my boundaries
29. Listen when others talk
30. Care about what they are saying
31. Limit my sugar intake
32. Limit other unhealthy foods
33. Exercise daily
34. Get enough sleep every day
35. Take care of my body
36. Go to church on a regular basis
37. Learn more about healthy relationship
38. Learn how to develop and maintain a healthy relationship
39. Watch for signs of addiction in my behavior
40. Show others compassion
41. Find ways to serve others
42. Be a hard worker
43. Be reliable
44. Be dependable
45. Be honest
46. Be trustworthy
47. Stand firm for what I believe in
48. Show joy daily
49. Be playful
50. Be light-hearted
51. Be spontaneous
52. Be responsible
53. Work as part of a team
54. Love others
55. Let others love me
56. Develop emotional maturity
57. Stick to what I say
58. Face challenges head on
59. Deal with life’s trials
60. Develop a healthy relationship with a man
61. Maintain healthy boundaries with men
62. Feel healthy sexual desire
63. Show healthy sexual desire
64. Enjoy a healthy, intimate relationship
65. Put effort into maintaining my friendships
66. Don’t place more importance on any relationship than it should have
67. Listen to my inner voice
68. Stay connected to how I feel and think
69. Base decisions on how I would advise my daughter
70. Recognize I am a survivor
71. Forgive others
72. Forgive myself
73. Enjoy nature
74. Get out more
75. Learn what I enjoy doing
76. Pursue new activities and goals, like gardening, outdoor activities, jewelry making
77. Serve others
78. Love myself

The Values that go into the dark side of my negative behaviors:

1. Seeking attention
2. Seeking validation
3. Wanting to feel loved
4. Wanting to feel desired
5. Lack of concern about my safety
6. Lack of concern about my health
7. Receiving sexual pleasure
8. Giving sexual pleasure
9. People pleasing
10. Hunger for love
11. Filling the emptiness inside
12. Impatience
13. Insecurity
14. Emotional immaturity
15. Self gratification
16. Lack of self-respect
17. Lack of self-worth
18. Ignoring my boundaries
19. Seeking peer recognition
20. Emotional high
21. Drama
22. Excitement
23. Romance
24. Love
25. Self-delusion

My top 15 Practical Values:

1. Read my Bible and pray daily
2. To show love to others
3. Love myself
4. Listen to my inner voice
5. Have my boundaries and the consequences for breaking them written out. Read over them daily.
6. Maintain healthy boundaries with men
7. Stand firm for what I believe in
8. Be joyful, playful and light-hearted
9. Maintain a healthy lifestyle
10. Listen and care about what others say
11. Develop emotional maturity
12. Face challenges head on
13. Put effort into maintaining my friendships
14. Pursue new activities and goals
15. Get out more

Hi Pixie,

Just to add to Kenzo's message, welcome to RN.

Your reasons for change generally look good, though I do see a few negatives in there that could be rephrased, such as "7. I don't want to devalue myself." That could be rephrased as something like "I want to see myself as a person of value and respect." Of course, the reasons you come up with for yourself will be the most powerful.

For your vision, it is a good start, but I think it could benefit from being more specific in a number of areas. For example, you mentioned your family, your children, and your faith, which are all clearly important to you, but you should discuss other areas too: career, friendships, relationships, health, hobbies/leisure activities, goals, dreams, etc. The more practical, measurable, and specific your vision, the better it will be for helping lead you out of addiction. You want to avoid vagueness as much as possible (for example, in your top 15 values: "Pursue new activities and goals". What new activities and goals, specifically?)

For your values (which should change if you change your vision), I noticed a few values that are more like boundaries. For example, "Not bring men around my children until I have dated them for one month" would be more of a boundary, a rule that protects a value. The value itself would be something like "My Children" or "My Children's Safety" or "Responsibility for my Children," etc. Remember, like reasons for change, values should be positive. You want to be working on developing your values, not avoiding how you don't want to act.

Lastly, since you mentioned in the recovery forum that you struggled with love addiction, I have linked two posts here in regards to love addiction, the first which I wrote (back as a mentor) last fall, and the second is a supplemental lesson by CoachJon about Love addiction. I hope they are helpful.

http://www.recoverynation.com/bulletinb ... =2&t=19078
http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... iction.htm

Here's wishing you boundless energy, determination, and happiness on your path to health!

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Thank you, Boundless, for the two links. I printed them both off to keep and am reading through and highlighting the parts that really speak to me. They were both extremely helpful. I can see a lot of my behaviors in them. One thing that came to mind was that during my almost 20 year marriage I never cheated on my husband, even though the marriage wasn't emotionally fulfilling, but I read romance books at an incredible rate. I started reading them in junior high and got to where I could finish a 300-400 page book in two days. I believe now I used them to fill that emotional void I had. I had mostly cut them out of my life after my marriage broke up but now I've decided they are detrimental and will avoid them.

I went back and edited my vision and values. I am enjoying the process of getting to know myself. I'm very excited about the growth I'm already seeing in myself.

3 of My Top 15 Practical Values, broken down into workable steps...

To listen to my inner voice
1. I will, at least 3 times a day, be still and ask myself how I am feeling, what is going on inside of me, and how I am dealing with my problems this day.
2. Whenever a problem or issue comes up I will seek advice first from myself and only turn to others if there is a true need to.
3. I will remind myself that I will make mistakes along the way, but my choices are mine to make.
4. I will stop following the advice of others unless, after thinking it through, I agree with them.
5. I will take special care in who I turn to for advice, if I feel the need to seek the advice of others.

To read my Bible and pray daily
1. I will have a set time each day when I will have my quiet time.
2. I will remind myself that this is the most important thing and to not stress if something else isn't done because of it.
3. I will pray at least 3 time each day.
4. I will remember to ask that God's will be done in my life each day and to surrender each day to Him.

To have written boundaries with consequences
1. No sex talk.
2. No sexual touching.
3. I will not allow anyone to manipulate me mentally or emotionally.
(Once I start dating again)
4. I will not go to a man's house until I have dated him for at least two months.
5. I will not bring a new man around my children until I have dated him for one month.
6. I will only meet dates in very public places.

....the consequence of not staying within my boundaries...if I tell the other person my boundary and they will not abide by it after one warning I will end the relationship. I will not allow myself to be disrespected. If I break my own boundary I will apologize to the person and figure out why I broke it. If it is because I'm not ready to be dating, I will make myself take a break again. If it was because of a trigger, I will either avoid the trigger or find a way to deal with the urge to overstep the boundary.

I think this one will have a large learning curve and I will continue to add and modify it as situations show me where the problems may lie.

This will be my hardest post yet, but I understand the need for complete honesty and I see where this is a great place to begin that.

Places where I have items stashed...
My bedside drawer, Penthouse story books
In my safe, vibrators and other sex toys
Internet, two websites I use to visit
My cell phone, an app with erotic stories

People I use as compulsive romantic objects...
Strangers at work
Strangers at the store
Single male friends
Men at church
Men in passing cars
Neighbors
Pretty much any physically attractive man who I think is single

Places I go to act out my romantically compulsive behavior...
Work
Stores
Church
Driving

Sorry, it double posted.

Exercise 11: Defining my rituals…
Fantasy-
I experience very brief romantic fantasies often throughout the day. Pretty much whenever I see a man that I find physically attractive. If he is in my line of sight long enough I check his ring finger and if there is no wedding band I often make eye contact and smile at him. Turning him into a target. It gives me an emotional high when I do this.

My Fantasy Patterns:
1. Short romantic fantasies that occur when I am at work or in public (happens several times a day)
2. Daily sexual/romantic fantasy involving an ex-boyfriend (based on memories)
3. Using triggers to promote fantasy-people watching, texting, email

Obsessions: (I just realized I’ve been doing this in regards to the ex-boyfriend mentioned above)
1. Not wanting to lose the love of a romantic partner, during the relationship I placed pressure on him to prove his love for me, often needed reassurance of his love and overanalyzed day to day events
2. I’ve struggled to emotionally let go of him, even though at the end he treated me badly

Romantic Delusions:
1. Relationships often involve instant intimacy (sex on the first date)

Elements I Associate with Fantasy:
1 .Fantasy
2. Accomplishment (a kind of emotional high)

Elements I Associate with Obsession:
1. Fantasy
2. Suspense
3. Power

Elements I Associate Romantic Delusions
1. Fantasy
2. Power
3. Suspense
4. Accomplishment

Triggers I Associate with Fantasy:
1. Boredom
2. An emotional emptiness
3. Media
4. Visual attraction
5. Public places

Triggers I Associate with Obsession:
1. Breakups
2. Low self-esteem
3. It was a highly passionate, intense relationship (for the first 6 weeks)

Triggers I Associate with Romantic Delusions:
1. Visual and mental attraction
2. Social or public places

Boundaries I Violate Using Fantasy:
1. Intimacy
2. Meaning

Boundaries I Violate Using Obsession:
1. Self-respect
2. Intimacy
3. Love

Boundaries I Violate Using Romantic Delusions:
1. Identity
2. Integrity
3. Safety

Common Behaviors I Associate with Promiscuity:
1. Multiple sexual partners over the course of a year
2. History of multiple sexual encounters with people I’ve just met

Elements I Associate with Promiscuity:
1. Sensory stimulation
2. Accomplishment

Other Behaviors I Exhibit in regards to Promiscuity:
1. Danger
2. Suspense
3. Fantasy

Triggers I Associate with Promiscuity:
1. Past history of emotional neglect (from my father)
2. Low self-esteem
3. Emotional imbalance
4. Opportunity

Boundaries I Violate by Promiscuity:
1. Safety
2. Honesty
3. Self-respect

Patterns that might cause me to struggle with relapse:

I believe I am broken in the sense that I feel emotions, urges and impulses with more intensity than other people.

I believe there is something inside of me that can’t be fixed and it makes me question if I can ever truly heal from this addiction.

Sometimes the urges seem to control me.

I fear starting to date again, because I feel like it will be a real challenge to control triggers and urges in a relationship.