Recovery Nation

OK, here we go ... I posted a little "introduction" to myself and my issues here: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=20089&p=191522#p191522

and about to get going down this road. Here goes nothing ...

Initial Reactions: Great, a Lewis Carroll reference. "Sarah," my "affair partner," and I used to talk about Lewis Carroll, as well as all sorts of other literature. Oh well, moving on ...

What is my primary motivation? Gotta be honest here, it's somewhere between "consequences" and "no longer wanting to live the lifestyle." The consequences of the things I've done suck. I hate living with them. There's a ton of pain involved, and I hate the fact that I've caused that pain to others. But "no longer wanting to live the lifestyle?" That's tougher. A big part of me really LIKED the lifestyle. It seemed liberating on several levels. Part of me feels "justified" in my actions, because I felt so much pain and didn't think I had any other outlet for it. And I look "on the other side of the fence," so to speak, and it seems like so many "normal" people are able to look at porn, etc., and not be negatively impacted at all - heck, it's become so "mainstream" now. Why can't I have a part of that, so long as I can control it? I'm hopeful that I can move my motivation along here, but I needed to get that out of the way.

I also like the idea of "active" vs. "passive" recovery. Having dealt with depression for several years, I know I've relied way too much on medication, and to a certain degree therapists, in my efforts. I haven't been able to really "take charge" of my own recovery. I'm seeing a psychiatrist semi-regularly and a counselor every two weeks, and it's helping some, but not much - I still can't seem to admit several of my problems to them, or at least face them head-on.

So, on to the Exercises:

A. Where am I on the commitment level? I feel pretty "actively" committed, but I know I've had problems sticking to things and following through in the past. That concerns me some.
On the "guilt/shame" question? Trying to strike a balance here - I feel pretty ashamed right this very minute, but I'm still doing the exercises. On the other hand, I don't want to keep telling myself "don't feel guilty, don't feel ashamed," and then end up using that as a license to look at porn.
Allowing myself time? I used to be patient, but lack of patience and the resulting frustration has been a big issue for me. I'm working on convincing myself that perserverance will be necessary and ultimately beneficial.

B. Why do I want to permanently change my life? Let's see ...

- I want to feel like life is worth living
- I want the respect of others, and therefore want to enable them to respect me
- I want to eliminate obstacles to fulfillment
- I don't want to feel "fake" or "dishonest" or "like I'm hiding something" all the time
- I don't want to be "scatterbrained" and have the associated stress of so many distractions, I want focus in my life
- I want to set a good example of a well-balanced life to my child
- I don't want to be defined by my addiction
- I want to feel accomplished
- I want to feel "real," whatever that means
- I want the ability to enjoy and get excited about things again, especially non-sexual things

C. How has addiction played a role in my development?

Well, I guess I could say "lots." Like I said in my introductory post, some level of "obsession" with sex has been with me since adolescence, I guess. I've also dealt lots with feelings of rejection. I do not have a picture of myself as I child, but I have some images of those photos committed to memory, and also can easily think of pictures of my son. I have looked at these and felt the innocence, the lack of addiction, the trust ... sometimes it's peaceful, but at this very moment it's a bit threatening. I feel like I have screwed up that innocent child that was once "me." I feel like my problems will have a good chance of messing up my son. I see how carefree he is, and it scares me to death to think of the challenges he'll face as he grows older. I wish he could stay young and innocent forever. I hope he does not deal with the rejection I did as a child, when I had friends turn their backs on me for being different. I wish he will never have to deal with feelings of non-acceptance, or inadequacy, or not being loved. But I know he will at some point, and I want to give him better tools to deal with those emotions.

There's no doubt my feelings of rejection have impacted my self-esteem and confidence even to this day. I think that's a big reason why I turned to porn - it made me feel accepted, like my desires were normal and acceptable - or, if they weren't, it was a secret I could keep that no one would know. Same thing for my affairs. I feel better after writing this, but still scared and a bit anxious on some levels. I guess it's knowing how hard it's going to be, but knowing there's a reward out there, too.

Hi LostinTX,

Just a couple more comments on your Lesson 1.



To be honest, this is where a lot of people start, for the reasons you mentioned. It's where I started, and since it is starting at a crossroads in motivations, you inevitably end up at a crossroads in your recovery...where you must decide between letting the addiction go for good and committing 100%, and continuing to hold on to the vestiges of it "just in case" things don't turn out the way you want. So, for now, just keep moving forward as sincerely as you can, keeping this in mind, as most people reach this point naturally. The reason that the "consequences" motivator ultimately doesn't work long term is that it's still emotionally based. It's still rooted in stopping your guilt and shame. Once you gain a bit of strength in recovery and the guilt and shame dissipates...so too goes the motivation to live a life you're proud of. This would be fine if we lived in a bubble, but since we live in an uncertain, ever-changing world, the person still lacks life-management skills, so eventually relapses. That is why the true motivation to recover must completely come from within.

As far as your reasons for change...a good start, but several are negatively phrased. But you will never succeed in recovery through avoidance of how you don't want to act. You must define how you want to act. This usually can be accomplished by shifting your perspective and rephrasing in the positive. For example, "I don't want to feel "fake" or "dishonest" or "like I'm hiding something" all the time" could read as "I want to like a life of honesty and integrity" or something like that. Feel the difference there. All your reasons should be similarly positive. Of course, the ones you truly connect with are the most important.



These are also common thoughts in early recovery. A few questions to think about: how do you know these people are "normal"? How does one define "normal"? How do you know they're not negatively impacted? And does something that is done by a lot of people necessarily mean that it's healthy/good?

I would guess that the number of people who have problems with pornography (specifically net porn) is vastly larger than society currently wants to admit. It is also true that there are lots of people out there who use porn and have no issue with it...just as there are many who drink alcohol and have no problem with it. There's a lot of writing elsewhere on the forums and the site about this issue, so I won't regurgitate it here. But the two take-home points about this are:

a) Health ultimately isn't about doing behaviours that you feel you can control...it's about being in control. Considering the impacts of your thoughts/behaviour on your identity, the other values in your life, your emotions, the people around you and your relationships, your partner's boundaries, etc. It's about looking at the whole "you." Many people have the idea right off the bat that you're learning to manage your behaviour. But that's not recovery, that's abstinence. The problem isn't porn itself...the problem is the patterns that have developed that include porn, and the role that porn has come to play in helping you manage your life and your emotions. So it really isn't about controlling porn, but rather taking a fundamental look at who you are.

b) As early as possible, try to stop yourself from thinking in terms of "is what I'm doing normal?" Obviously, there's certain legal/ethical/societal/cultural boundaries and considerations we have to make when taking action...however, usually when those with porn/sex/love addictions think in this way (and we usually do it a lot), they are trying to gauge their behaviour by what others do, as a way to feel normal and "fit in". This approach, which makes sense when one considers how insecure we are in our own skin, will also leave you in confusion and anxiety, since you'll never really know if what you're doing is "normal" because such a concept is really only relative. So there will always remain a gap, an uncertainty, between your own true inner values, and those that you feel society demands of you.

So, what I'd suggest you do is, stop thinking in terms of whether something is normal or abnormal, and start thinking in terms of what is healthy or unhealthy, for you. Once you're clearer in your identity, you will be able to choose whether or not using porn can be healthy for you. And I don't say this with any sway one direction or the other...you really will reach a point where, if you plan to be healthy, you will have to choose what ways are healthy for you to sexually express yourself (in conjunction with your partner). But for now, it's pretty clear that porn would be unhealthy for you in any way. Stick with that until you achieve a deeper personal clarity.



Well, this is true from one side and untrue from another. It's true that you're probably far from where you expected yourself to be at this point in your life. But it is untrue that you are screwed up beyond repair. One of the most damaging beliefs in recovery that one can continue to hold (and it is one that probably everyone who has developed a sex/porn/love addictions holds at some point) is the idea that you're defective. You aren't, and everyone who recovers will see this for themselves. If you truly have an addiction (which plays little into whether or not you should seek help or change), what you're experiencing is a combination of delusion, ignorance, immaturity, a fractured identity, and a lack of skills and understanding. But those can be learned, that identity can be repaired, and once the delusion is lifted, you will no longer be addicted. Obviously the steps to that is more complex...but one of the things I have found in my own recovery is that after eliminating the addiction and the patterns that underlie that addiction, the "real me" has always been there underneath.



Well, it is not too late. The time it will be too late is if you don't commit to yourself and he grows up without you realizing your full potential.

Anyways, don't expect this much feedback typically! I was feeling generous tonight!

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha