Recovery Nation

Hey All - as most here I'm sure, I wish my reasons for being here didn't exist, but I am deeply grateful that this place exists. Thank you all for providing such a positive, valuable tool I'm excited to be starting on this journey.

OK, lesson 1 - and as with all my posts here, ANY feedback, notes, criticism is welcomed - by anyone. I can take it - just point me in the right direction!!!

A) 3 Recovery Keys:
1) Actively committing myself to change
2) Not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) Allowing yourself time to change

Where am I in relation to these three?

1) I hate to talk about what I am going to do. Ever since jocks and bullies started poking me in the chest and telling me all about how they were going to kick my ass, I determined never to be like that. If I am going to do something, just do it, don't talk about doing it. Poop or get off the pot so to speak. That being said - I think I have been ready to change, and earnestly determined to do so, many times and for a long time. I have submitted myself to real repentance and humiliating confessions countless times. I cannot discount those times as being insincere. Thus, I am afraid, I have to admit. I know that I have been ready many times in the past to extricate from my life this tarry, black substance I have somehow nurtured and drug along since the second grade, but I think I just have not had the tools to do it long term. I am trusting that those tools will be found here and I will utilize them to the best of my ability to free myself from compulsion and to the richness and productivity that would be and has otherwise been my life.
2) I don't think this is my problem - in fact, I don't recognize guilt/shame as aught but a motivation to change, so - unless I'm missing something here, I think I'm good.
3) Wow -time. Again, I am a bit afraid of time if I am to be totally honest (and that is what I am to be here and IRL). Because time will wear away at my latest, freshest utter determination to permanently change - I have no doubt about that. But as it stands now - only a few weeks old - I still don't even recognize that other guy - the one who would even choose or want to obsess over p. - I can't even identify with him. And so time is both my friend (on this side of my determination - not too far from the undeniable knowledge that P. offers me absolutely nothing of value and robs me of incalculably valuable elements from my life) - and a threat. Promising to eventually steal from me this real perspective about p. that makes a transformation so easy and obvious. I can allow myselftime to change, but I must use that time effectively and efficiently so that my new insights and skills/tools can be put into effect before this true perspective gets dim and I am left to myself again to battle the resurging "other guy".

B. Reasons to change
1) I truly love my wife and I know that this robs me of my ability to love her completely
2) I don't want to feel or to be unworthy of the blessings that God has given and continues to give me.
3) Because I truly want to live in the real world. I cannot be of as much use to others or to myself as an addict.
4) Because I know that this hurts my wife terribly and I cannot stand to hurt her.
5) Because my kids need a dad that is attentive, patient and inspired and I can be none of these when hopped up on p.
6) Because I have been given, and believe I will continue to be given, singular opportunities to succeed and live out my dreams and my dreams become unimportant and distorted when infused with fantasy and lust.
7) Some of my greatest joys are in creating and my creative faculties wither under the influence of p.
8) I want/need to feel comfortable in the company of good people. I want/need to feel like I belong in their company.
9) I owe it to my God.
10) I don't want to have to feel like the reality of post binge letdown is where I am supposed to live - that that is the "real" world. Bullcrap. It certainly does not need to be.
11) I know that p. actually makes me stupider. I cannot afford that. I need to be free to expand my intelligence. My family and those of my partners depends on it.
12) I do see this getting (albeit slowly), worse. As bad as this crap is, I can't even imagine the devastation in my life and my family if I went further down the road of SA.
13) I have a family member in the UK who has thrown it all away for his SA. Gave up everything to be free to pursue his addiction with no strings attached. He is pathetic and miserable. I know from his experience, as if I needed more proof - that there is nothing but misery here.
14) I want to be free. Free to be who I know I can be - who I set out to be in the first place. Free to be who I want people to think I am. Free to be all that my wife and kids need me to be. This stuff is utterly incongruent with my life with them.

C) I appreciate this exercise a lot - quite insightful. I was amazed to find that, though I had many photos to choose from, I could not find one that I really wanted to look at. I kept thinking - "Nah, not that one - I can't feel much for that stupid-looking kid." I never thought of myself as not liking me much, but I've never spent much time looking back on any phase in my life either. It was weird at first, but I found one I could stand and it was when I was about 8. As I think the seeds of my addiction started when I was in the second grade, I'm sure I had already been exposed to p., but I had so many other interests in my little life - many of which have become even more central to my life now. I do love that little runt and feel a definite sense of duty and desire to make his life all that it should be.

Lesson 2

I have lived a very blessed life. My life has been rife with generous blessings, advantages, second chances and opportunities that many people never get. I want to give all of this back with interest. I want to be one whom people feel comfortable leaning on. I want to inspire others to live their dreams, to become a a little kinder, a little more courageous. I have been put in situations in my life where I could exert this kind of influence in one degree or another, and I anticipate these opportunities for infulence to continue or to increase. I want to never waste another such opportunity.
I want to love my wife with as pure and devoted a love as I am capable of. I want to help make her life as fulfilling and rewarding as it can be. I want to inspire my children to find joy and fulfillment in living happy, full, pure and good lives. I want to inspire them to greatness in their personal lives - whatever that means to them.
I want to acheive excellence in my work. I have it in me to do exceptional work - I intend to produce the kind of work that I can be proud of and that will be noted and appreciated by others.
At the end of my life, I expect that it will be said of me that I led an unusual life filled with singular opportunities. I cannot take credit for much of that, so the legacy I hope to leave is one of love. Where strangers and family members, friends and employees can say truly that they( to one degree or another) knew me and that they felt that I loved and/or cared sincerely about them. That I helped them, even in a small degree, to feel their worth and reach a little higher.
Most of all, I want to be able to stand before my God one day, and see Him pleased with the work I've done, even as I worship Him for covering the multitude of my sins and taking my lashings for me. I want, for the remainder of my live, to move in as direct a line as I can, towards being more like Him.

Lesson 3

OK, Values:

1) Selfless, Christlike Love
2) serving those in need
3) creating, designing, inventing
4) showin my kids I love them be forgiving them quickly and having empathy for their pov.
5) proving through all my actions that my wife is my first priority
6) serving diligently in my church group
7) keep travelling
8) explore the natural world
9) push myself and my business into new frontiers of success and notariety
10) be known as a good friend
11) read more - increase my knowledge of the world, politics, and philosophy
12) come to know the bible better
13) find ways to sacrifice for my wife that will improve her life and help her to achieve her dreams
14) lead others to safety - whether spiritual, emotional or physical
15) become a better photographer
15) become a better artist
16) become a better leader
17) have more fun with my family and friends
18) learn how to relax!!
19) OK - this may seem to contradict all my other values (which are sounding suspiciously like goals) but I want to learn how to just let some things happen without trying to fix them all. Just be at the party without having to make sure everyone is having a good time so to speak. Bit of an undeserved Christ complex? Apparently.
20) It is tough for me to just enjoy my kids. I want to get over that and quit trying to fix them and always protect them from every little thing.
21) watch more movies
{UPDATED ON 2/3/12 More added}
22) fun dates with my wife
23) working out
24) getting stronger
25) being tough enough to protect myself and the vulnerable around me
26) looking good - at least when needed
27) being witty
28) being able to defend my beliefs or opinions in an intellignet way
29) feeling comfortable with myself
30) taking life as it comes - not having to steel myself for every turn
31) being loyal to those I love
32) being the recipient of loyalty from those I trust
33) sharing my vision for my business - infecting others with it
34) sexual excitement together with my wife.
35) fulfilling her sexual needs/wants completely
36) being courageous in the face of hardship/uncertainty
37) good music
38) good movies
39) being able to dress well when needed
40) being able to provide all the needs/wants for my peeps
41) being healthy
42) sleeping and dreaming
43) feeling guided by God and witnessing His hand in my life or in the lives of those around me
44) reading good books
45) eating good food
46) working on projects that demonstrably improve my house or surroundings
47) working with my hands
48) hanging out at my parents house
49) watching football
50) writing (for TV, books, etc)
I don't know - maybe I don't really get this exercise. I feel like I'm just vamping here to come up with 50 things. What I really value is truth, my wife, my kids, my business, my creativity, my mind, my body, my freedom, my autonomy, my individuality, nature, extended family, a few friends, goodness in general and my God and His Christ. To be honest, not a whole lot more that I can think of. I must be more boing than I realized.

OK, so - dark side values.

{UPDATED ON 2/13/12 - I did not get this part originally}

1) focus on me
2) mindless Diverson
3) thrill of hunt
4) the high of danger and rebellion
5) anticipation
6) sexual high - fantasy
7) avoidance of duties
8) escape from stress/boredom
9) intense emotions
10) thrill of the unknown

Again, I can restate the same thing several ways I guess, but I think that's it. Why then, has that stupid little list of two things come back every few weeks or moths to overwhelm me for the past 3 decades? Why indeed. That's why I'm here. I makes NO sense to me. I don't need that crap, I have a perfecly wonderful life - exponentially more so without p. So why the hell sabatoge myself every so often?! ANY comments from ANYONE out there would be most appreciated! I feel like this is already helping me a ton, but I'd love to know where I'm going off track. Thanks.

{UPDATED 2/15/121)
Old, retarted post below this more accurate, enlightened one.


1) 3) creating, designing, inventing
2) 58) hanging out with my wife without the kids
3) 52) playing/talking/reading/getting a treat with my kids
4) Feeling the Spirit of The Lord – esp. feeling inspired to act or move in a new direction
5) Intimate moments with my wife. Sexual, sure, but real oneness with her – even if it’s just hanging out together
6) Sourcing new materials/products for my company
7) Working out
8) Faith in the goodness of people and in the goodness of God and His plan. (this is more of a goal than an established value, but I think it should make the cut into the top 20 as this is definitely a direction I want/need to go in)
9) Inspiring music and movies
10) Being active in my church responsibilities and congregation – and fitting in because I am who they think I am.
11) Showing my wife that I love her in some demonstrable way.
12) Being a visionary leader in my company – taking good risks and working hard to realize their potential
13)
14)
15)
16)
17)
18)
19)
20)
21) Selfless, Christlike Love
2) serving those in need

4) showing my kids I love them be forgiving them quickly and having empathy for their pov.
5) proving through all my actions that my wife is my first priority
6) serving diligently in my church group
7) keep travelling
8) explore the natural world
9) push myself and my business into new frontiers of success and notoriety
10) be known as a good friend
11) read more - increase my knowledge of the world, politics, and philosophy
12) come to know the bible better
13) find ways to sacrifice for my wife that will improve her life and help her to achieve her dreams
14) lead others to safety - whether spiritual, emotional or physical
15) become a better photographer
15) become a better artist
16) become a better leader
17) have more fun with my family and friends
18) learn how to relax!!
19) OK - this may seem to contradict all my other values (which are sounding suspiciously like goals) but I want to learn how to just let some things happen without trying to fix them all. Just be at the party without having to make sure everyone is having a good time so to speak. Bit of an undeserved Christ complex? Apparently.
20) It is tough for me to just enjoy my kids. I want to get over that and quit trying to fix them and always protect them from every little thing.
21) watch more movies
{UPDATED ON 2/3/12 More added}
22) fun dates with my wife
23) working out
24) getting stronger
25) being tough enough to protect myself and the vulnerable around me
26) looking good - at least when needed
27) being witty
28) being able to defend my beliefs or opinions in an intelligent way
29) feeling comfortable with myself
30) taking life as it comes - not having to steel myself for every turn
31) being loyal to those I love
32) being the recipient of loyalty from those I trust
33) sharing my vision for my business - infecting others with it
34) sexual excitement together with my wife.
35) fulfilling her sexual needs/wants completely
36) being courageous in the face of hardship/uncertainty
37) good music
38) good movies
39) being able to dress well when needed
40) being able to provide all the needs/wants for my peeps
41) being healthy
42) sleeping and dreaming
43) feeling guided by God and witnessing His hand in my life or in the lives of those around me
44) reading good books
45) eating good food
46) working on projects that demonstrably improve my house or surroundings
47) working with my hands
48) hanging out at my parents house
49) watching football
50) writing (for TV, books, etc)
51) working on big, grandiose projects
53) reading with my kids
54) wrestling with my kids
55) talking with my kids
56) getting a treat with my kids
57) going on family outings to the beach
58) just getting into bed with the Mrs. Man, I love that.












1Lesson #4

So I've been out of town for a couple of weeks - and behaved pretty magnificently if I do say so myself. I know, I know, don't break your arm patting yourself on the back for not being a scumbag for once. But still.... Not that anyone seems care around here. I think I'm the only guy in this whole website that no one has commented on! I guess it doesn't matter, I'm doing this for me. (But some feedback would be great!)
I added a couple of values. I dont know if I'm doing this right, but I had a few that were not clearly enunciated and at least one I'd forgotten entirely.

OK, in order:

1)proving through all my actions that my wife is my first priority
2)developing selfless, Christlike Love
3)increase my faith in Christ
4)show my kids I love them by forgiving them quickly and having empathy for their pov
5)It is tough for me to just enjoy my kids. I want to get over that and quit trying to fix them and always protect them from every little thing.
6)push myself and my business into new frontiers of success and notariety
7)creating, designing, inventing
8)find ways to sacrifice for my wife that will improve her life and help her to achieve her dreams
9)serving diligently in my church group
10)serving those in need
11)be known (trusted) as a good friend, brother, son,
12)lead others to safety - whether spiritual, emotional or physical
13)I want to learn how to just let some things happen without trying to fix them all. Just be at the party
14)without having to make sure everyone is having a good time so to speak.
15)come to know the bible better
16)have more fun with my family and friends
17)read more - increase my knowledge of the world, politics, and philosophy
18)become a better artist
19)exercising
20)become a better leader
21)learn how to relax!!
22)explore the natural world
23)travel
24)become a better photographer
25)watch more movies

Hi Semperfi,

Sorry that it's taken a bit longer to get to you than normal; we try to get to everyone, but occasionally someone is missed. But it is good that you say that it doesn't matter, you're here for yourself. That's what really matters.

Welcome to RN (finally). To comment on your first couple lessons:

Your active commitment looks pretty good. It's common to be afraid - addicts don't typically like change, since they don't know how to handle the emotions that surround it. But if you can push through that fear and really examine yourself and learn the necessary skills, you really can change your life.



This can be a motivation, but it shouldn't be your main motivation. You should want to change simply because you don't want to live the way you're living anymore and you want to build a new life for yourself. If guilt and shame is the main motivation, people will do well at the beginning, as the guilt and shame pushes them forward...then as they get healthy, that guilt and shame starts to alleviate, making them lose motivation. Then when stress comes along that they don't know how to handle, they relapse as they still don't know how to manage their emotions. This causes the very common recovery/relapse cycle that you see often in addicts who at some level do want to get better.



This is similar to the above. The guilt and shame from the consequences of the addiction can be extremely powerful as a motivator in the beginning...but over time, that will wane, because it's emotionally based, and we all know that emotions are transient. Therefore, you have to have that lasting motivation inside to simply live your life differently in order to make the real changes to your thinking and behaviour necessary to overcome this.

I would say, don't see time so much as a threat, but rather, see your recovery with a sense of urgency. That the time you have in your life is valuable and that the longer you spend indulging in compulsive behaviours, procrastinating on recovery or allowing yourself to lapse into complacency, the more time in your life you're wasting.

Your reasons for change look generally good. Just remember that positively phrased reasons for change are always more long-lasting and more powerful than negatively phrased reasons for change, which typically focus on things you "don't want." I actually just made a post on the community forum about this if you'd like to check it out.

The one area I think you should work on is your vision. Currently, it's idealistic and lacking in practicality, even though your values list is fairly practical. Your vision should be the outline for what you want in your life, and should be practical, specific, and measurable. It should also cover a wide range of what you want your life to include - career, religion, relationships, friendships, family, hobbies, travel, health, goals, dreams, etc. And you should be specific for what you want for each thing in your life.

For example, "I want to love my wife with as pure and devoted a love as I am capable of. I want to help make her life as fulfilling and rewarding as it can be." This sounds good in theory, but how do you plan to do this in a practical way on a daily basis? If you leave it vague, it's much easier to get lost in how to actually accomplish this. There's a huge difference between saying "I want to help her make her life fulfilling and rewarding" and saying "I want to get involved in her hobbies of gardening and swimming, and support her interests by joining her in them." Obviously, that's hypothetical, but hopefully you get what I'm saying.

As well, I don't see anywhere in your vision of your plans for photography, travel, increasing your world knowledge, etc. How do you want to increase your world knowledge and political knowledge? There's tons of ways to do this. "I will subscribe to a newsmagazine and read it every morning." "I will go to the library on a weekly basis, and read a book weekly." Where do you want to travel? What do you want to accomplish in photography? Your whole vision should be this specific. There's a big difference between "I want to become a better photographer" and "I want to buy a camera and book this year, and go on a trip to the mountains to teach myself wildlife photography." Or, "I want to enroll in a photography class." One is vague, the other two give you something to shoot for (no pun intended ). There's hundreds of ways that individual values can be developed. What you want to define in your vision is how YOU want to develop these values.

All right, your values:



Don't grasp for values. You want your list to be practical and meaningful to you, things that you truly care about. If it isn't, then it's just a list of words that won't be useful to your recovery. Ensure that these things are all in your list. If you can't come up with 50, that's fine. You will likely think of others as you go through recovery; when you do, add them.

One note is, some of the values in your list are actually ways you express one value. For example, serving diligently in your church group and coming to know the bible better could both be incorporated under "Religion". Or something like that.

Lastly, it's good that you're doing well while you were away. However, I would recommend speeding up a bit. Typically, we recommend working 20-30 minutes a day, and trying to get through at least 2-4 lessons per week. You'll find your own pace, but you should be working daily for the first couple months, even if you're not doing a lesson and just journalling. This will help keep you focused on your recovery and allow you to maintain momentum so that you can make the necessary life changes without falling into complacency, which is one of the biggest pitfalls facing those who are sincere in their wish to recover.

I wish you well on your path to health (and promise to drop by more often!)

FT

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha

Hey, thanks, FT! I really appreciate your post and your insights. I agree with them all. I just re-read my vison and I think it needs to be completely rewritten. I don't know why I am struggling with this so much. It is not that I don't know what I want for my life, it is that honesty want very few things (though my few things are very high ticket items). I think that is a part of the reason for my addiction. I'm just not interested in much at all. Outside family, church and work, I usually have to force myself to want to participate or get involved in pretty much anything. The very few hobbies and friends I have are all work related. I am not saying that I wish they weren't either, but I am saying that I at least wish I wished they weren't because I think that if I had more innate interests or passions, I would be able to move on more easily. It is largely a lack of a positive release or a healthy distraction or alternative passion that I think fuels my stupid "I deserve a treat for working so hard" bullcrap. That is at least part of it.

Anyway, I am re-committted to being much more active here. You are right again - picking along slowly is not the way to change. Ive been absolutely buried in work for the past couple of months, but I will make the time.

Thanks again. You guys are Godsends.

Hi Semperfi,



It's not so much that this is the reason for your addiction, but rather that this is a consequence of your addiction. As addiction progresses, your addiction becomes responsible for more and more of your emotional experiences. The emotions from addiction become more intense and more intense as your rituals progress...and with that intensity of emotion, the things associated with your "regular" life become less and less stimulating...until all the aspects of your "normal life" become bland and boring, just a show you're putting on, and all your significant emotions come from compulsive rituals and chains. At this point, your addiction has not only fused with your identity, but effectively replaced it. But that blandness is only within your perception, not reality.

It is unrealistic to recover with the notion that you will eventually get the same intensity from healthy activities as your compulsive activities. You won't. And, that's not the point. Compulsive behaviours bring intense emotions, but also emotional instability and chaos. Healthy activities bring less intense emotions that are ultimately more powerful, fulfilling and long-lasting. A goal then of recovery is to get the same emotions from a wide variety of healthy activities, as you previously did from your compulsive behaviours.



At this point...this is fine. What you want to do right now is identify what things you value now, and what things you wish to value in the future. So if you want hobbies and friends outside of work...make that part of your vision. That doesn't mean it has to happen immediately, but if this is something you want in your life, then include it in your vision.

One of my favourite teachers I ever had gave me great advice once...it's a shame I didn't take it until recently. He said, "Go towards what you're interested in right now, and eventually, you will end up where you want to be." Basically, it is fine if you only see yourself as being interested in a couple things right now...as long as you are able to get enough fulfillment from those things in order to help you manage your stress and your life. If you can, you will do well. If you can't...you will need to ask yourself what is missing in your life and adjust accordingly. But basically, what I'm saying is: work on developing the values you currently value with depth right now...and as you move along, other values will pop up. There are things I value now (even highly value now) that I wouldn't have even considered when I began recovery. So work on what you truly value now, and work on developing the skills you need to manage your life...and other values will pop up as you grow and change as a person.

At the same time...you may look at what you value now, and realize that it is simply not sufficient to produce the value that you need in your life. Just remember though that it is a skill that takes time to derive value from your values. So don't get frustrated if it doesn't happen "right away"...as that's just another form of instant gratification. Work towards what you think your values are right now, and what you want them to be, and work on deriving value from them. Basically, you will eventually get to a point where, in absolute honesty, you will realize whether your values can produce the value you need...or whether you need further life changes.



If you need one, find one. It doesn't matter what "it" is, as long as it's something that matters to you. Remember, recovery isn't just the work you do here. It's exploring areas in your life and finding passions that you may have never taken the time to explore before. So don't be afraid to try new things. I used to have this fear as well...but it was borne out of a fear of failure. In reality, if you try something and don't find value in it...move on. No harm, no foul. At least you tried and learned something; the real shame is never trying. I was so afraid of trying things and failing...that I never tried anything, and therefore, never got interested in anything, which ironically caused me to fail more.

Anyways, sounds good with the re-commitment, put in the time here (and in your life) and it will pay dividends.

FT

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha

First of all, thank you deeply, Cheryl and Forward Thinker for taking the time to comment. I can't express how much it means to me.
No excuses from me - I just have been passing through the bottom end of the same hateful cycle that has ruled, to one degree or another, my life for the past 30 years. Going along perfectly for weeks or months, then a twinge in the stomach from - for whatever reason, some seeds feel planted. Trying to ignor them for days or weeks while they "germinate". Then finally succumbing to the tunnel vision wherein I don't even remember why I care about anything but having some fun with p. Then the devastation and heartache and sickness immediately thereafter. Repentance and the cycle starts all over again. I don't ever get more than a few weeks - 3 or 4 months TOPS, of peace. I know that my cycle is less frequent than many here, but I am here to testify, that it doesn't matter. And perhaps is harder to deal with because it always seems like such an aberration - at least it used to. It seems like clockwork now.

Anyway, I'm back and determined to remain here. At this point, making it - quickly - though all the lessons is my only hope. And man, do I need hope. So please forgive an old addicts pathetic lack of commitment and here's my re-mastered life vision. I'd love some feedback if anyone would like to comment!

My vision for what I want my life to be:

1) I want to make my wife as happy as I can make her and love her as perfecly as I can. 2) I want to be a worthy example to my children and a trusted friend to them. 3) I want my business to succeed gloriously. 4) I want to be a disciplined person. 5) I want to be a loving person. 6) I want to be a faithful person. 7) I want to be as consistently happy as I can be.

I can accomplish each of the above by:

1) Simply sharing everything with her. She wants to be one with me - for whatever reason - and I need to share all that I am with her - including the undesirable stuff. If she knows that she knows me inside and out, it will go a long way towards he being fulfilled. I need to make sure she takes the time/ has the time to excercise, dance, sing, write - to develop those sides of her that will fulfill her ourside of our family. What she determines to do will be her choice - I have to make sure she has the opportunity and encouragement. I will offer her at least one free night a week to persue her interests. Most of all, I need to be 100% faithful to her - emotionally, mentally, etc. If I am, I don't think she will ask for much more. If I am not, I will have failed.

2) Actually being worthy myself. I don't think that I can fool them for long. My girls are not stupid. I cannot say one thing and do another and hope they will get it. So a big part of what I want/need to accomplish with my kids is to learn how to eliminate P from my life and then to do it - completely. I also have to learn to take them in and enjoy my time with them rather than just trying to get them raised so I can check one more thing off my list. My kids are wonderful. I love them. I have to enjoy the time I have with them. I will do this by taking time to play with them more easily. When they ask to play a game, I will do it. When they ask to jump on the trampoline, I will do it. I will take a more sincere interest in their interests and will show them I love them by being interested in what they are interested in. I will also plan family events/excursions and follow through with them.

3) This I belive I will accomplish, but only if I can discipline myself enough to make time weekly to invent and create. If I will discipline myself to relentlessly develop my latent and needed talents. Expand my vocabulary, develop my public speaking skills. These I will do with a regularly scheduled regimen of practice and exercises. I must move forward in faith that I can accomplish what I have set out to do - and that confidence will come if I will remain worthy of it.

4) My mentality of "the rules don't exactly apply to me" and "I'm a little different than most people" has killed my abilty to stay strong, disciplined and competitive. I must return to good old fashioned laws of happiness and success. Get up early. Go to bed at a reasonable hour. Get enough sleep. Excercise at least 3 times a week. Read the Bible and pray daily. This is the least I must do to return to some semblence of discipline. Add to it a regimen of practice on vocational skills as enumerated above and I'll be happy.

5) Selfishness is the antithesis of a loving person. P. is my greatest fault and emblem of my damning selfishness. Eradicating this alone from my life, while learning how to control and subordinate my lusts in general, will move me dramatically in the direction towards being the kind of loving person I want to be.

6) I love the feeling (how seldom I have felt it!) of feeling worthy and faithful - especially when the tests come or I am called on to help or serve. Again, P. is my greatest impediment to feeling/being worthy. I do a lot of good otherwise - and though I have an awful long way to go, I would be content progressing along my current faith path if I could elimnate p. from my life permanently.

7) Consistent happiness is a bit more complicated. However, I do realiize that 95% of my unhappiness thus far in my life has come soley from inside me - no external forces have brought it on at all. Of those internal forces, P. is certainly one of, if not the most damaging. Again, this has to be eliminated in order for me to proceed to other, less severe, but more pervasve elements such as ambivelence about life in general. Fear/annoyance at getting involved or taking on responsibility. Needeing to control the elements of my life and/or family - and therefore reducing them all to the least amount of investment/commitment possible. Not being able to relax. The rest of these will be more difficult to change, I'll admit, but eliminating p. from my life will at least diminish the roller coaster cycle of emotions that put so much of my life and peace on hold. I only get even the chance of peace and working on all these other limiting elements of my life about 1/2 of the time. The rest of my life has been spent wallowing in regret or steeling myself against temptation - or occasionally giving in. WAYYYY too much wasted time. I can only hope to get to some of these more subtle, pervasive issues when p. is really gone.

Lesson #5
Updated 2/2312
Values in Order - Ok, not really in order, but at least the top 15 are the top 15 - I know how this lesson ends!

1) creating, designing, inventing
2) hanging out with my wife without the kids
3) playing/talking/reading/getting a treat with my kids
4) Feeling the Spirit of The Lord – esp. feeling inspired to act or move in a new direction
5) Intimate moments with my wife. Sexual, sure, but real oneness with her – even if it’s just hanging out together
6) Sourcing new materials/products for my company
7) Working out
8) Faith in the goodness of people
9) Inspiring music and movies
10) Being active in my church responsibilities and congregation – and fitting in because I am who they think I am.
11) Showing my wife that I love her in some demonstrable way.
12) Being a visionary leader in my company – taking good risks and working hard to realize their potential
13) Feeling comfortable with myself
14) sexual excitement together with my wife. fulfilling her sexual needs/wants completely. Me too.
15) Lifting and inspiring others
16) being courageous in the face of hardship/uncertainty
17) working on big, grandiose projects (these can be at work, home or other)
18) showing my kids I love them be forgiving them quickly and having empathy for their pov.
19) Faith in the goodness of God and His plan.






21) Selfless, Christlike Love
2) serving those in need
4) showing my kids I love them be forgiving them quickly and having empathy for their pov.
5) proving through all my actions that my wife is my first priority
6) serving diligently in my church group
7) keep travelling
8) explore the natural world
9) push myself and my business into new frontiers of success and notoriety
10) be known as a good friend
11) read more - increase my knowledge of the world, politics, and philosophy
12) come to know the bible better
13) find ways to sacrifice for my wife that will improve her life and help her to achieve her dreams
14) lead others to safety - whether spiritual, emotional or physical
15) become a better photographer
15) become a better artist
16) become a better leader
17) have more fun with my family and friends
18) learn how to relax!!
19) OK - this may seem to contradict all my other values (which are sounding suspiciously like goals) but I want to learn how to just let some things happen without trying to fix them all. Just be at the party without having to make sure everyone is having a good time so to speak. Bit of an undeserved Christ complex? Apparently.
20) It is tough for me to just enjoy my kids. I want to get over that and quit trying to fix them and always protect them from every little thing.
21) watch more movies
{UPDATED ON 2/3/12 More added}
22) fun dates with my wife
23) working out
24) getting stronger
25) being tough enough to protect myself and the vulnerable around me
26) looking good - at least when needed
27) being witty
28) being able to defend my beliefs or opinions in an intelligent way
29) feeling comfortable with myself
30) taking life as it comes - not having to steel myself for every turn
31) being loyal to those I love
32) being the recipient of loyalty from those I trust
33) sharing my vision for my business - infecting others with it
34) sexual excitement together with my wife.
35) fulfilling her sexual needs/wants completely
36) being courageous in the face of hardship/uncertainty
37) good music
38) good movies
39) being able to dress well when needed
40) being able to provide all the needs/wants for my peeps
41) being healthy
42) sleeping and dreaming
43) feeling guided by God and witnessing His hand in my life or in the lives of those around me
44) reading good books
45) eating good food
46) working on projects that demonstrably improve my house or surroundings
47) working with my hands
48) hanging out at my parents house
49) watching football
50) writing (for TV, books, etc)
51) working on big, grandiose projects
53) reading with my kids
54) wrestling with my kids
55) talking with my kids
56) getting a treat with my kids
57) going on family outings to the beach
58) just getting into bed with the Mrs. Man, I love that.







I'm afraid that all my fun ones are too low on the list to make it into the top 15. That may be one of my problems, but they are not as wieghty as the others, so here's the list.

1)proving through all my actions that my wife is my first priority/continuing to develop absolute oneness with her
2)developing selfless, Christlike Love for everyone I can
3)increase my faith in Christ
4)show my kids I love them by forgiving them quickly and having empathy for their pov
5)It is tough for me to just enjoy my kids. I want to get over that and quit trying to fix them and always protect them from every little thing - be a friend. Experience life with them, though we may be in different places mentally and emotionally.
6)push myself and my business into new frontiers of success and notariety
7) learn to find complete sexual fulfillment in reality - even when that reality ages.
8) Finally become converted to the fact that p. and fantasy is a lie that only serves to rob me of peace and joy. Become one of the faithful old guys I so admire.
9) creating, designing, inventing, delving onto new aspects of my career and mastering them
10) find ways to help my wife improve her life and help her to achieve her dreams
11) serving diligently in my church group - and enjoy it.
12) be known (trusted) as a good friend, brother, son, employer
13) lead others to safety - whether spiritual, emotional or physical
14) I want to learn how to just let some things happen without trying to fix them all. Just be at the party
without having to make sure everyone is having a good time so to speak.
15) come to know the bible better - read DAILY

Lesson # 6 -

Updated 2/23 - actually, I liked the first two - I'll stick with those again and only change #3 which is a copout anyway

OK, simple ones - not necessarily easy ones.

1) Read the Scriptures every day.
I will read the scriptures every day. I won't go to bed before I have read. I will allow that some days it may not be much, but at least a chapter a day will be the norm. I don't want to open the door for a single day without, so I will allow for less than a chapter when necessary, but reading every day is a must. I don't care what kind of a day it has been, what great or stupid things I may have done. I can and do commit to this.

2) Forgive my kids quickly and develop empathy for their POV. This includes helping them to become what they want to become.
A. - I am not sure how to put a time limit on how long I will allow for my kids to feel that Dad is mad, but I will not let them go to bed feeling that I am mad/disappointed in them. This will be a challenge as bedtime is usually tough, but I can do it.
B - I will tell them I love them daily.
C - I will express interest in what they are interested in by listening to their stories/comments/opinions until they are finished and will form an opinion only after they have finished.
D - If the time is not appropriate for them to express their opinons or talk about the subject of their choice, I will suggest a later time when we can talk and will make myself available for them at that time.
E - one of my kids wants to exercise with me. I will make that option available to her and will seek to involve myself more in the wants/goals of all my kids.
3) I'm going with sexual intimacy and fullfillment for both me and my wife. (Why not make this fun too?)
A - a 7 consecutive day sexual re-boot (already discussed it with wife). We will have some kind of sexual activity every day for 7 days
B - I will diligently keep all of my sexual thoughts and desires revolving around her.
C - I will work to unloosen my own hangups and worries about performance and/or being a charity case.
D - I will seek to deepen my understanding of her needs (remembering that her sexual needs extend way beyond physical intimacy)

I realize that none of these are complete, but I figure I better start small and make commitments I can keep.

Lesson #7 -
{Updated 2/24/12

1) creating, designing, inventing
A) whatever else has to be done, this feeds me, so stop what you're doing, take an old design or idea, or start with a new one, and rework, stretch boudries, explore, expand.
B) Listen to or find new music. Enjoy this most edifying aspect of my career.
C) don't just design virtually, actually handle raw materials and work them into something new.
D) share the design/new ideas with others who can appreciate them. Include clients.

2) hanging out with my wife without the kids
A) Kids wont die without us for an evening, weekend or week. Must have quality time with them when I'm around, but if I don't plan time alone with wife, it wont happen. So plan something NOW.
B) We are both so busy, so accompany wife while on her duties or invite her to accompany me with work duties.
C) Must agree on an activity we can both get excited about. If we have something we like to do, we're more likely to do the work of preparing time together to do it!
D) AT LEAST once a week dates are a must!
E) Treat her as the best friend she is. Write her emails and text her fun/funny or romantic stuff that I might if we were dating or I would a friend.
F) She has certain activities I KNOW she wants to do, Initiate them!!
G) HELP with locating a babysitter. HELP with planning dates/activities
H) She loves to work on the house - this can always easily be a together activity that is rewarding.

3) playing/talking/reading/getting a treat with my kids
A) monthly "dates" with each of my kids. Alone time, or even smaller groups is always best. When they're all together, esp. all the time, it gets rough with everyone vying for attention. So some kind of monthly outing with each -just them and dad, and every week, I will cycle through all 4 alone or in small groups to spend more time together without the craziness and competition between them.
B) First Sunday of every month, I'll have a heart to heart talk with each girl just to catch up and see where they're at.
C) I don't know how to quantify this one (either) but I will work with my wife to ensure that we are giving our kids more room to make their own choices and to take some small risks. We tend to smother them and be a bit overbearing. We have talked about our need to lighten up - I will make a more concerted effort to do that.
D) I will be more supportive and interested in their activities. I think the best way to do this is to, whenever possible, pick them up from their activities. Ballet, gymnastics, church group, whatever. That gives me some alone time, where their activity/interest is fresh, and I can just listen. I will turn off the radio and just be with them.
E) Look for times to laugh with my kids. I will do better at hanging out with them. Watch a comedy, or cartoons - whatever they want. Read with them and do funny voices. Laugh at the dinner table. When asking about their days, ask about fun/funny things that happen, not just if they were good or got something done.
F) Share with them about ME - my struggles, my accomplishemnts, my concerns, my happiness. I need to be as willing and anxious to share with them my life as they are to share theirs.

4) Feeling the Spirit of The Lord – esp. feeling inspired to act or move in a new direction
A) cant feel the Spirit if i am harboring guilt -so repent as needed with all that entails
B) Take a set amount of time and PONDER. Turn everything off, close the door and just think. Imagine what I might do if I knew what The Lord would have me do. Imagine meeting Him, leaving all this behind forever. Seek for, feel inspiration in an open, but dedicated way
C) Review my own goals, dreams, asperations. Do I feel promted to move in any particular direction? Where would I like to go? Where do I think The Lord would like me to go?

5) Intimate moments with my wife. Sexual, sure, but real oneness with her – even if it’s just hanging out together


6) Sourcing new materials/products for my company


7) Working out
A) Hit the gym - I can go anytime, day or night!
B) DO NOT let a week go by without at least 3 workouts.
C) If I can't get to the gym, pushups, pullups, leg workouts - whatever can count

8) Faith in the goodness of people


9) Inspiring music and movies
1) Indulge! This one is OK! Be aware of what is inspring to me, not inspiring in general, but also don't forget how inspring and meaningful and fulfilling more typically "inspring" things are to me. They may not sound like the most fun in the moment, but I rarely regret spenging the time and it almost always puts me in a good place.


10) Being active in my church responsibilities and congregation – and fitting in because I am who they think I am.
A) This always just requires setting aside time to think about my duties or opportunities to learn or serve. As I take the time to get creative, wonderful things happen. Remember the few times when I have given my all. How lives were changed and I was on a cloud for days.

11) Showing my wife that I love her in some demonstrable way.
A) Just go buy her something. It is fun for both of you.
B) Write her a note. Can be an email or paper, but write something down about how I feel, what she means to me, what she has done for me.
C) Plan a big date, outing or small trip secretly. When I have done this, it has been some of our most enjoyable times.
D) Get a babysitter and take her to lunch. Easy, but makes her feel good/included.
E) Go home for lunch (woohoo)

12) Being a visionary leader in my company – taking good risks and working hard to realize their potential

13) Feeling comfortable with myself
A) OK this always seems stupid and MAKE SURE no one is around, but have a conversation with me in the mirror. Complete and full honesty. Ask the questions and answer the questions. What do I like about me? What progress have I made? What evidence do I have in my life that God loves me? What am I most thankful for? What am most anxious to improve? What makes me happy? What depresses me? When have I been most happy? When have I been most miserable? Express belief that I can do it, that I can become who I want to be. Express compassion for my weaknesses and challenges and confidence that I can overcome them and will be better for them some day.
B) Practice being in a room, church, event, whatever - and being present, but only in a supportive role. Relieve the need to carry the conversation, just earnestly seek ot support/discover/understand others.

14) sexual excitement together with my wife. fulfilling her sexual needs/wants completely. Me too.
A - a 7 consecutive day sexual re-boot (already discussed it with wife). We will have some kind of sexual activity every day for 7 days
B - I will diligently keep all of my sexual thoughts and desires revolving around her.
C - I will work to unloosen my own hangups and worries about performance and/or being a charity case.
D - I will seek to deepen my understanding of her needs (remembering that her sexual needs extend way beyond physical intimacy)



15) Lifting and inspiring others


16) being courageous in the face of hardship/uncertainty
A) PRACTICE speaking positively to others, ESP. parents and siblings and wife. Practice looking for the bright side in imperfect situations, pointing out the positive aspects of whatever is going on.
B) When others are negative or pessimistic, seek to support and empathize WITHOUT joining in.
C) Read and dewll on stories of real courage throughout history. Dwell on the courage of He who faced every rotten thing this world could throw at him with love and patience.
D) When negative thoughts arise, try to shift focus to farther down the road (eternal perspective). Take comfort in the promise of a better world one day and the inklings I have had of what that will be like.

17) working on big, grandiose projects (these can be at work, home or other)
A) PICK ONE!! It almost doesn't even matter what - I am always blessed by the experience if not by the result!!

18) showing my kids I love them be forgiving them quickly and having empathy for their pov.
Forgive my kids quickly and develop empathy for their POV. This includes helping them to become what they want to become.
A. - I am not sure how to put a time limit on how long I will allow for my kids to feel that Dad is mad, but I will not let them go to bed feeling that I am mad/disappointed in them. This will be a challenge as bedtime is usually tough, but I can do it.
B - I will tell them I love them daily.
C - I will express interest in what they are interested in by listening to their stories/comments/opinions until they are finished and will form an opinion only after they have finished.
D - If the time is not appropriate for them to express their opinons or talk about the subject of their choice, I will suggest a later time when we can talk and will make myself available for them at that time.
E - one of my kids wants to exercise with me. I will make that option available to her and will seek to involve myself more in the wants/goals of all my kids.

19) Knowing that I am able and prepared to protect and provide for my family no matter what comes
A) start kickboxing
B) get emergency supplies in place to last at least one year including:food, water, gasoline, ammo, cash, warm clothing
C) pay off debts as quickly as possible. Save money each month for home and business.

END of most recent update







1) Read the Scriptures every day.
I will read the scriptures every day. I won't go to bed before I have read. I will allow that some days it may not be much, but at least a chapter a day will be the norm. I don't want to open the door for a single day without, so I will allow for less than a chapter when necessary, but reading every day is a must. I don't care what kind of a day it has been, what great or stupid things I may have done. I can and do commit to this.

2) Forgive my kids quickly and develop empathy for their POV. This includes helping them to become what they want to become.
A. - I am not sure how to put a time limit on how long I will allow for my kids to feel that Dad is mad, but I will not let them go to bed feeling that I am mad/disappointed in them. This will be a challenge as bedtime is usually tough, but I can do it.
B - I will tell them I love them daily.
C - I will express interest in what they are interested in by listening to their stories/comments/opinions until they are finished and will form an opinion only after they have finished.
D - If the time is not appropriate for them to express their opinons or talk about the subject of their choice, I will suggest a later time when we can talk and will make myself available for them at that time.
E - one of my kids wants to exercise with me. I will make that option available to her and will seek to involve myself more in the wants/goals of all my kids.
3) I'm going with sexual intimacy and fullfillment for both me and my wife. (Why not make this fun too?)
A - a 7 consecutive day sexual re-boot (already discussed it with wife). We will have some kind of sexual activity every day for 7 days
B - I will diligently keep all of my sexual thoughts and desires revolving around her.
C - I will work to unloosen my own hangups and worries about performance and/or being a charity case.
D - I will seek to deepen my understanding of her needs (remembering that her sexual needs extend way beyond physical intimacy)



19) Faith in the goodness of God and His plan.
A) Use sacred/insprint musci to set the tone for eontemplaiton. Feel my presence and the presence of God. Let my mind be led by Him. Work to discern what His will for me might be.
B) Review the blessings I have been given in my life.





1)"proving through all my actions that my wife is my first priority/continuing to develop absolute oneness with her" ...

A) I will pray nightly together with my wife.

B) I will talk to her with absolute frankness and honesty - daily if necessary - about my struggles and anything to be reported will be done so within 12 hours. If this behavior thrives in darkness, then I'm shining the light on it perpetually.

C) Our dates are usually whatever I suggest because she is not very decisive. I will make sure that at least 50% of them will be something that I know she would or does choose.

D) unless absolutely unavoidable, I will come home at 6:00 nightly to help with dinner, kids and will make together time.

E)



2)developing selfless, Christlike Love for everyone I can
A) I will act as though I love everyone I possibly can. For those that I can't, I will, in every reasonable case, attmept to address the issues/conflicts between us. (Like with my brother). In those cases where this is not practical, I will frankly acknowleged that the conflict exists, express my wish that it didn't and wish the person well.

B) I will consciously fight the temptation to fantasize about anything negative happening to anyone. This is not a big problem for me, but occasionally, if I have a conflict with a business competitor or other parent at my kids school, I find it hard to not harbor bad feelings. I will at least not harbor negative thoughts about them or replay the conflict in my head.


3)increase my faith in Christ

A) Talk to god through Christ, sincerely, at least twice a day.

B) Read His word every day - finish NT by April.

C)Go to church every week and work in my church service group weekly to the best of my ability.


5)It is tough for me to just enjoy my kids. I want to get over that and quit trying to fix them and always protect them from every little thing - be a friend. Experience life with them, though we may be in different places mentally and emotionally.

A) monthly "dates" with each of my kids. Alone time, or even smaller groups is always best. When they're all together, esp. all the time, it gets rough with everyone vying for attention. So some kind of monthly outing with each -just them and dad, and every week, I will cycle through all 4 alone or in small groups to spend more time together without the craziness and competition between them.

B) First Sunday of every month, I'll have a heart to heart talk with each girl just to catch up and see where they're at.

C) I don't know how to quantify this one (either) but I will work with my wife to ensure that we are giving our kids more room to make their own choices and to take some small risks. We tend to smother them and be a bit overbearing. We have talked about our need to lighten up - I will make a more concerted effort to do that.

D) I will be more supportive and interested in their activities. I think the best way to do this is to, whenever possible, pick them up from their activities. Ballet, gymnastics, church group, whatever. That gives me some alone time, where their activity/interest is fresh, and I can just listen. I will turn off the radio and just be with them.


6)push myself and my business into new frontiers of success and notariety

A) I am doing well here - business is booming and I am pushing us into uncharted waters pretty consistently. I will write more here later, but will continue thinking big and being unafraid of a challenge. It really helps me in my recovery as well.

B) I do need to be much better about following through with my projects. Im an idea guy and it is easy for me, once the ball gets rolling, to move on to the next thing without seeing the last project through. I hate lists (like this one) schedules and agendas, etc, but will have to start incorporating them better. Weekly meeting and goals with my assistant will help this a lot. I will incorporate that into our weekly meetings.


7) learn to find complete sexual fulfillment in reality.
A) This is what I am here for in large part. So I begin by coming here every day, even if only a few minutes when that is all that is possible, for me to remember what is real.
B) I have to find healthy means of recreational stimulation. I don't have nearly enough times or activites where I'm relaxing or persuing anything that does not relate to my business or duties. I will have to return to this because I honestly don't know what to persue outside of those parameters.
C) More needs to follow here. I just don't know what.


8) Finally become converted to the fact that p. and fantasy is a lie that only serves to rob me of peace and joy. Become one of the faithful old guys I so admire.
A) Be on RN every day. I have been, but I don't post most of the time. It helps me a lot to read on the other side. To keep fresh in my mind the reality of the pain and heartache that the sick, selfishness of p. causes to these poor wives and partners. Not that I am here for my wife - to the extent that I can be now, I am here for me. But a huge -perhaps the biggest part of what is meaningful in my life is her and my relationship with her. I love her. And it helps me to remember that among my greatest desires is to make her completely happy, and remembering viscerally how p kills her helps me to remember the toll it takes not just on me but on her, on us on our family. So, somebody correct me if I'm wrong and this is just some kind of crutch, but I find that reviewing the lives of others affected by p - on both sides - daily, helps to keep me in touch with reality and out of any desire for fantasy. Seems good to me, but I'm new here.
And of course, posting on my lesson and, as importantly, rereading and remembering them. I don't know about you guys, but I can get as much or more out of re-reading these lessons as I do the first time around.
B) Not to repeat myself here, but I will read the scriptures daily. This has a similar effect of reminding me every day of what I value and how precious my relationship with God is to me and how damning p is to that as well. In my little mind, memory is key. Remembering who I am, what I was created for, what I can become, what I value and what p does to destroy it all - daily remembering.
C) I will combine 8 and 7 and bring in a new value.


9) creating, designing, inventing, delving onto new aspects of my career and mastering them
A) I'm doing well here right now also. I'm taking my business into uncharted waters regularly and with more than our share of success. I find that the thrill (and oddly, the stress) of really challenging myself in business realms that I have no real right to expect to be able to compete in, exhilerating and empowering. Of course, I run the risk all the time of falling flat on my face, and so I need an action plan to deal with that as well - that is the kind of stress that is more of a trigger for me. So, my action plan for those eventualities:
B) I have had a few experiences here lately. I was happy to find that, when all seemed lost (for no real reason, the crazy emotional roller coster I live on) I found myself thinking " well, I still have my wife, right? She still loves me." And that really worked for me. I was able to give up some of the disappointment and stress I was hanging onto and focus on her. So I will increase my daily communications with her. I will put pictures of her around my office - on my computer, so I can remember more frequently and easily what is most important in my life. I will add my girls as well.


11) serving diligently in my church group - and enjoy it.
A) Again, daily work on my relationship with God will help me to remember who I am, and who my earthly brothers and sisters are by extension. When I can remember what is real and what matters, work that serves others or helps ot redeem them or make them happy becomes readily desirable. When I can feel the Spirit, I want to serve and it is enjoyable.
B) I have had a few experiences in my life where I have gone above and beyond what was expected of me in my church group - where I have taken my assignments and run with them farther than I had even planned. I will make this a more regular part of my service. I will suggest an carry through with ideas that I might normally not venture into because of the time commitment required. I can and will work past these initial hesitations. I have done it in the past at times when I have been extremely busy and have always made it work somehow and have felt on cloud 9 afterwards for truly giving my all. I can and will make this a regular part of my service.
C) I will with my family return to regular, personal service. We have had times where we would randomly pick a person or family once a week to serve. I will return to that habit.


12) be known (trusted) as a good friend, brother, son, employer
A) I will harbor no ill will towards any of the above. I will have to start with a brother. I will continue to reach out to him - I will try one phone call a week. I will make time for my dad when he calls and wants to get together unless it is absolutely impossible. I will call another sibling with whom I have very little relationship at least once a month.
B) More to come


13) lead others to safety - whether spiritual, emotional or physical
A) More to come here...

14) I want to learn how to just let some things happen without trying to fix them all. Just be at the party
without having to make sure everyone is having a good time so to speak.
A) I have a tendency to feel like I need to keep the conversation going - for everyone - and this can be stressful. I will remind myself to relax. let others take up the slack, and just sit in silence if it comes to that.
B) i have a tyerrible time with names. I sometimes don't even recognize faces. I'm giving myself permission to just admit I don't know who I'm talking to. I will become comfotable with the phrase "I'm sorry, I can't remember your name". It is better to risk someone thinking I don't think they're important than to carry on conversations pretending I know who I'm talking to or what they're talking about.
C) I will stop pretending to know who/what people I DO know are talking about. If I don't know who or what some industry contact is referring to, I will give myself permission to just stop them and ask them to clarify. If it makes me look stupid, sobeit.
D) I have to remind myself, as part of my daily prayer/RN/reading/scriptures regimene that my fretting has never actually brought about any of the good results in my life. That I am not actually paying into some cosmic justice system with my worrying or depression to be able to get what I want later on. In fact, some of the best things in my life (wife, major career advances) have only come when I stopped trying quite so hard and worrying about them. I need to be a guy who is comfortable with moe than just the exciting, positive moments in life. The still moments, even many of the trials, can be and often are rewarding and joy inducing as well. That has to be part of my daily mantra.

Lesson 10

Wow - tough one - I'm grateful for it though. (And anything right now is better than spending more days on lesson 8!)

List of stuff I have stashed: I have none and haven't really since I discovered the internet. It's all there when I have chosen to go there and it disappears again when I have finished. I do have some sexy stuff of/with my wife, but I don't think this counts. However, I have talked to her about destroying it as well as for now, I need to be sure and see her as a whole person and not as an extension of my addiction. I will do that momentarily.

List of people: I'm just a p guy, so just regular p I guess. No real people were used in the making of this sick addiction. (though I did peek in some girls window in high school and again about 18 yrs ago.)

List of places ( I have viewed p.) Car on phone, work on computer, home on computer, but not for some time now. Partner's computer last year.

Hi Semperfi,



Depends. Do you use it compulsively? If so -- it's unhealthy. As you said...is your wife aware you have this? Is she okay with you continuing to have it, knowing that you're dealing with a pornography addiction? If she is, is she okay with you using it for masturbation/visual stimulation? All questions you need to ask yourself to ensure that you start to understand both her boundaries and your own.



Interesting...so people in porn don't count as "real people"? I say this not to make you feel guilty....but only to get you thinking about your own thought patterns and how your perceptions about people have been warped by the progression of your addiction.

Fact: everyone you've ever watched in porn is a son or a daughter; a brother or a sister; and potentially, a mom or a dad. They are as real as anyone who is related to you. And, many have been exploited, used, or are addicts themselves. I only say this to you so that you can begin to come to terms with the objectification, and radical alteration in sexual boundaries and empathy for others, that porn can create in a person over time...as an understanding of this is important in healing from porn addiction and beginning to see that even though you were viewing them at the time as objects who had a role in your fantasies, they truly are human too.

FT

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha

Howdy FT,

Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Yes my wife knows I had them, she co-produced them. No, I don't use it for m, - or haven't for a long time - a year? Years? but I fear there is some objectification there, hence they have all been destroyed.

Yes, I know that all those pathetic "actors" are people - and no, I don't use the term derisively. They are to be pitied for the same reasons you've enumerated. The comment was made in jest ala "No animals were harmed in the making of this film". I know that levity does not seem to exist on this site, and perhaps that is for the best. But on my thread, I will not curtail my style of writing or my personality. I do not belive in that hanging my head here or anywhere will help me, nor do I feel that striking the appropriate, contrite tone is needful for my recovery. If I can't laugh at myself, I'm screwed. Correct me if I'm wrong on the above.

Thanks for the reminder though, I love your unabashed forwardness, FT.

Semperfi.

Lesson 12. (I'd like to find lessons 8 and 9 - I'll have to look for them. I read lesson 11, but didn't do the assessment as I think I know where I am, but if anyone reading can advise, I'd be happy to do it if it is important in recovery)

I see at least parts of the below in me, though not all of any of them:

They minimize their behavior (e.g. "It's not how it seems"; "It's not that big of a deal.") - certainly not my mindset thase days, but has been in the past.

They often experience selfish thoughts when caught acting out (e.g. "Why didn't I see this coming?" "Why didn't I cover that up better?" "Why do I cause myself so much pain?") I'll admit, a definite part of what I feel after a relapse is a selfish, sickening guilt, but never "why didn't I cover that up better" I always or nearly always confess and start over - no desire to "plan better next time".

They believe that they are suffering from a disease that is beyond their control, but not beyond all hope. - I don't consider this a disease at all, but I have been unable to stop permanently to date, so I guess this fits.

They consistently measure the success of their recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction. I do feel more successful the further away I am from an episode, but I do understand that this does not translate into success. As 3-6 months out has been my max for the past decade or so, and always ends in relapse and failure. Though I do not see this as my future!!

I don't know, but I think that's it.