Recovery Nation

1) actively committing yourself to change
It has been 6 months since I have looked at porn and three months since I have masturbated. I am actively committed to change. My final hurdle is not sexualizing those around me. I am having a hard time with that. I am not checking people out anymore, but I have a hard time not noticing when I see someone attractive. I am trying not to look at women through “porn eyes.” I still have times when I think it would be nice to look at porn and act out, but I have not done it. It is usually at high stress times. I know it will only make things worse, instead of better. I remember what it is like to act out and feel guilty for acting out, only to act out again and tell myself it will only be this “one last time.” There is no one last time. There is only a last time.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
I feel a lot of shame. I lied to my wife for over ten years about porn. We built this vicious cycle of her catching me, me lying about it and then finally telling the truth after I had no other option. I can’t live that way anymore. I have never told the truth to her about it without first lying. The last time I had been feeling very guilty and wanted to tell her before she confronted me, but I would not do it. She finally confronted me about it and I still lied to her. I am not sure what will happen with my marriage, but I am sure I don’t want to be that person anymore. I am tired of living that lie. Even with the guilt and shame I feel, I won’t allow it to sabotage my desire to change. If anything it feeds the fire to change.

3) allowing yourself time to change.
I am fully committed to taking the time to change. I don’t care how long it takes. I am going to recover. I want to continue to work on my recovery and continue to make progress. I know everyday cannot be great, but I am striving to make it as best as possible. I know with time things will get better, both for my wife and me. I want to have a happy marriage and a happy life.

RBH

Hi RBH and welcome to RN.

From reading your first post I might make an assumption that your sobriety at this point is what we would call "white knuckling", basically not acting out through sheer force of will. That's OK, sobriety is important as we start recovery because it allows us to clear our head and body a bit of the chemicals our body produce and all that noise in our head but it is not a recipe for long term health. Like others on RN, I don't really worry so much about counting days of sobriety because if you are becoming healthy, you are learning, you are making progress and then you have a slip, you are NOT back to step one but have simply stumbled on the journey to healthy living. You can't "unlearn" what you have learned in recovery. This does not give us license to slip but in later lessons you will learn not only how not to slip but how to recovery from a slip. Shame is the enemy, you are not a bad person, you have simply done immature things.

As far as your honesty issue, if you are not yet seeing a therapist who is certified to work with sexual addiction, I would strongly advise you find one. They can help you work to a point to have a FULL disclosure with your partner and stop the death of a thousand cuts your partner is occurring now. It also sets a line in the ground for you. Once you have crossed it, honest with your recovery is absolute.

Good luck and hope you stick with it my friend.

Hi roadtobeinghappy (also known as recovery as that is a journey rather than a destination)
let me add my welcome to that from honeycat

RN is a great vehicle for your journey but you have to drive it
the path is well trodden and help is always on hand all you need do is ask
nobody here is alone
we usually suggest about 3 lessons a week with the first ones taking a little longer, but it is not a race, getting it right is much more critical than getting it finished

be honest while you are here just as you have been on your first post
great start



you have been in abstinence now with the help of RN and commitment from yourself you will transition into recovery


keep that right at the front of your mind


unfortunately this is common with we sex addicts it actually cost me everything so I hope that others will learn from my mistake and quit any thought of withholding
it is simply abusive and very counter-productive



start with you as the old you is no good in any relationship
I hope yours works out but that is really her choice
you must give her that choice and the best way , no the only true way forwards is your recovery
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

I see myself growing old with my wife. We have lived a full and enriched life. We have supplemented and complimented each other. We have raised our kids and help raised our grandkids. Throughout our life I have always worked on recovery. I knew that recovery is the key. I see myself really listening to her and being the man she needs me to be. She knows that she can once again trust me. She does not need to worry about when she is not around. I have understood the beast will always be there, but I do not need to be controlled by it. I moved past “white knuckling” it and lived up to my recovery goals.

RBH

Thank you both for your replies. It has been a rough week, but we are working through it. I was not being completely honest with her about the sexualization of other people. She will not tolerate that and I can understand. It is hard to be totally honest and tell her I still have porn fantasies pop in my head. I still sexualize people. I have put in the place a mechanism I hope works with this. It has helped the last two days. If they start to creep in my head, the word "moral" pops up instead. I would like to think I am a moral person. I like to think I used to be a good person. I want to be that way away again.

The beast has been trying to persuade me it is too hard. He keeps trying to tell me I am losing out. I won't be able to watch movies. I won't be able to go to a swimming pool. I know there are alternatives. I keep focusing on those instead. I want to live a life that is not a lie. I love the feeling when I tell my wife the truth. It feels better than anything.

1. Living an enriched life
2. Supplementing my wife.
3. Complimenting my wife
4. Being a good husband
5. Being a good father.
6. Being someone who is trustworthy.
7. Dedicated
8. Being a good listener.
9. Understanding intimacy
10. Not being afraid of being intimate
11. Not being selfish
12. Not lying to myself
13. Not lying to others
14. Not losing my temper
15. Understanding life’s priorities
16. Being happy
17. Bringing happiness to those around me
18. Empowering those around me
19. Feeling empowered, without using sex
20. Communicating my feelings
21. Being a moral person
22. Being a good person
23. Being someone I would want to be around
24. Being someone I would want my kids to be around
25. Having my kids respect me
26. Having my kids have a better understanding of my role as a parent.
27. Being a good listener
28. Helping others
29. Being thoughtful
30. Cherishing my wife
31. Intelligent
32. Hard worker
33. Reliable
34. Compassion
35. Thoughtful
36. Being a better friend
37. Realistic
38. Loving
39. Humble
40. Resourceful
41. Kind
42. Open

Dark Side Values

1. Selfish
2. Insecure
3. Distrust
4. Uncaring
5. Inconsiderate
6. Mean
7. Dishonest

Lesson 4
1. Open
2. Communicating my feelings
3. Being happy
4. Being a good father.
5. Understanding intimacy
6. Being someone who is trustworthy.
7. Being a moral person
8. Not being afraid of being intimate
9. Cherishing my wife
10. Living an enriched life
11. Supplementing my wife.
12. Complimenting my wife
13. Being a good husband
14. Reliable
15. Being thoughtful
16. Not being selfish
17. Not lying to myself
18. Not lying to others
19. Being a good person
20. Loving
21. Understanding life’s priorities
22. Empowering those around me
23. Having my kids respect me
24. Dedicated
25. Being a good listener
26. Kind
27. Being someone I would want my kids to be around
28. Being someone I would want to be around
29. Bringing happiness to those around me
30. Not losing my temper
31. Helping others
32. Being a good listener
33. Compassion
34. Thoughtful
35. Humble
36. Feeling empowered, without using sex
37. Having my kids have a better understanding of my role as a parent.
38. Being a better friend
39. Realistic
40. Resourceful
41. Intelligent
42. Hard worker

Lesson 5 Exercises:
A. In previous exercises, you identified and prioritized a list of your personal values. This list should represent those aspects of your life that you want to use to define who you are and how you will be managing your life. Take a moment to look over that list with a fresh view. As you read through it, ask yourself, "Does this reflect the person that I am committing myself to becoming?" If so, continue on; if not, add those missing values that are congruent with the life that you want to lead and remove those values which are not.

I have reviewed the list and those are the values that are congruent with the life that I want to lead.

B. Consider two or three major decisions that you have made in your life (i.e. marriage, career, getting a dog, etc.). Examine the values involved in the decision-making process that went into your options. Consider having to make those decisions today. Does your current prioritized values list reflect the choices that you would make? If so, then you have done a good job of creating a practical values list. If not, then you may still be leaning more towards 'idealistic values' than practical ones. You want...no, you NEED this list to function on a practical level. Continue refining it until it does.

I think my list reflects my values today, not necessarily my values from a while back. When I had major decisions to make in the past, such as a new job, it was made under a more selfish guise. It was generally all about me and what will it get me. While I did care about my family and how it affected them, I did not listen to my wife when she really talked about the true effects.

C. Finally, examine the list one more time for its realism. Do this by briefly grasping each value and thinking about the role that it would play in your day-to-day life. This does not mean that you must use the particular value on a daily basis, only that it can serve as a realistic, functional part of the identity that you are building. For instance, if I choose 'spirituality' as a top priority for myself, but in reality I am only listing that value out of fear and/or social acceptance...then my list is not real. It is not practical. On the other hand, if I list 'Strengthening my relationship with my brother'--whom I have not had any contact with in twenty years and with whom I would like to rebuild a connection with...then that is practical. Also, remember to examine the values that are not necessarily socially accepted/idealized. This is critical. If you build a life based on what others expect from you, you will fail in your transition. If you build a life based on a mastery of what it is you truly value, then you will succeed. So examine values such as 'sexual gratification', 'being sexually adventurous', 'feeling sexually desired', 'being promiscuous', etc. If these are important to you, then prioritize them within your list. Leave them out because they don't 'sound right' and you are dooming yourself to that dual-identity that pervades sexual addiction.

I think my list is very realistic. Of course this is coming from a narcissistic selfish person. I think my list can continue to evolve and grow as other values become important, such as when life changes and we need to focus on different things.

D. Take the top fifteen values that you have currently listed and post them in your Recovery Thread. To be successful in recovery, you will need to learn to derive about 75% of your life's meaning and fulfillment from these values across any given week or so. It is okay if you are not currently doing this, because that is what the following two lessons are for: to help you develop this ability over the coming months.

My top 15 listed values are:
1. Open
2. Communicating my feelings
3. Being happy
4. Being a good father.
5. Understanding intimacy
6. Being someone who is trustworthy.
7. Being a moral person
8. Not being afraid of being intimate
9. Cherishing my wife
10. Living an enriched life
11. Supplementing my wife.
12. Complimenting my wife
13. Being a good husband
14. Reliable
15. Being thoughtful

Although I think the next five have a great amount of importance as well.
16. Not being selfish
17. Not lying to myself
18. Not lying to others
19. Being a good person
20. Loving

A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening your relationship with your wife" is complex. "Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog" (probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these plans into your recovery thread.

I am not sure I have simple ones for my top 15.

For right now, I am going to choose reliable and being thoughtful

Proactive Action Plan: Being more reliable
- Showing others they can depend on me
o When I say I am going to do something, following through
o Being proactive to the needs of those around me. This might include when others have asked me to do something and I follow up with them to make sure I met their expectations of what they needed or wanted.
- This goes hand in hand with trustworthy. I feel when I am being trustworthy I am being reliable. As my past has been filled with lies, this is somewhat of a new thing for me. One way I can bring it about it to be honest with my wife when discussing the addiction.

Proactive Action Plan: Being thoughtful
- Checking in with others to ensure I am fulfilling their needs and desires
o This could include my wife by making sure I am doing everything she needs as a husband. I know “everything she needs” is a very broad subject. I can start with the small stuff such as making sure I do my share of the housework and parenting. I can also check on her to see how her mental health is doing and if there is anything I can do different.
o It could also include my children. I can ensure I am being a good parent. One of the ways I can do that is by being attentive to their needs.
- Looking out for when I can help someone
- Talking to friends I have not talked to in a while, to ensure they are doing okay. I have a tendency to let friendships go by the wayside. I have not really cared if I had friends or not. I think this goes hand in hand with being a selfish person and wanting to be alone. This is probably a little more in-depth than this exercise intended, but I thought it was good to mention.

I have decided to do 2 at a time.

Open
- Being vulnerable
o Trusting those around me to not let me down
- Not being afraid of what happens if I am open
o In the past I have been afraid that someone might use it against me if they knew something about me. If they knew I was not perfect. I want to be trusting of those around me, which in turn should help them to trust me.
- Feeling comfortable in myself
o Having the knowledge that sometimes we fail. That I can pick myself back up and get where I need to be.
- Embracing the positive aspect of being open with myself and my wife.

Communicating my feelings
- This goes hand in hand with being open.
o I can’t be open without communicating my feelings
- Explaining what I am thinking or what I have thought, even when it might not be what my wife wants to hear. Or better yet, even when it is not what I want to hear.
- Having daily “check in” with my wife. We have been doing this for a while now. We had a knock down of it a couple of weeks back. I was not being completely honest about how my progress on scanning and mental thoughts was going. I think a part of me worried about letting her down. What I have realized since is I think a part of me was probably worried about letting myself down as well.
- Not just communicating when I am upset. In the past I have been great at expressing when I was upset about something. I need to work on communicating when something is good as well.

I don't have anything stashed. My addiction has been online porn and fantasizing.

V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.

I am no longer using specific people as compulsive sexual or romantic objects. I used to use the women around me or someone I owuld see out in public. This is something I struggle with daily. I am working on becoming more focused. I believe with more focus I won't get bored and my mind won't start to wonder. When I let my mind wander is when I tend to think more sexual thoughts. I have not looked at porn since September and have not MB'ed since Jan. The porn thoughts are less and less. I had a slip the other day when I saw a magazine with a women who has been in a sex tape. I allowed myself to go down the path and think about her in the tape. I tend to look at people as I am driving or billboards. I have been working very hard on not doing that and staying focused instead. This, I feel, has helped my addiction immensely.

Like the previous list, it is important to include all sources of compulsive sexual/romantic stimulation--no matter how long it may take you to complete.

VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.

Online for porn. Out in public to fantasize. I tended to go to less hard types of porn sites. I think the thought was it was not as bad. I would then fantasize about them, which made it just as bad. In public I would objectify women. I would do the same with the women around me.

Being happy
- Admitting I am an addict.
- Working on recovery everyday.
- Truly working on it, not just going through the motions.
- Enjoying being alive.
- Looking forward a new day.
- Being honest with my wife.
- Complete honesty with her
- Looking forward to the time I spend with my wife.
- Treating this like the treasure it is.
- Looking forward to spending time with my kids. This leads to the next one. I know there is a lot more I can put on this. I am going to continue to think about it and come back and post more

Being a good father.
- Listening to their needs and helping them achieve them.
- Being actively engaged when I am with them. In the past I let porn control my life and did not want to be bothered by life. Sad as it, it included my kids.
- Being goofy when they need goofy. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine.
- Loving them.

Understanding intimacy
- Being able to accept that is okay to be close to someone, that it is okay to trust someone and have them trust you
- Being comfortable when I am that close with my wife.
- Understanding intimate is not just another word for sex
-
Being someone who is trustworthy.
- Being honest
- Having others know that I am not trying to lie by omission
- Saying the truth first.

Lesson 12 Exercise:
I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to an unhealthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.

Their motivation for recovery comes from an attempt to appease others (e.g. to save a relationship; to deflect attention from the behaviors)
- This is where mine started. Initially it was to appease my wife; however, after realizing I have a real problem and that I am addicted it changed into helping me. I do want to appease my wife; however, the only way I could ever do that is if I actually seek recovery for me, as I have started doing.
They believe that they are uniquely defective and/or damaged as human beings
- I believed this at first. It has been a great relief to find out I am not alone in this.
They believe that they have suffered so many consequences from their compulsive behavior, that it will be impossible for them to reach their lifetime goals.
- There are times when I feel this. I know it is irrational, so I tell myself it is. It wants to creep in from time to time.
They believe that what they are experiencing is their fate.
- I don’t believe it is my fate; however, I do feel shame and feel I deserve to be treated poorly.
They often attempt to convince others of their recovery by offering their "new identity" as proof.
- I don’t do this. What I do is associate stuff that I used to do with the “old me.” I don’t think that follows the same path, but I am welcome to thoughts and interpretation.
Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction.
- I don’t know exactly what is meant by this one. I do fear triggers. I don’t want to be triggered. I want to live a normal life and be active in my recovery, not active in my addition.
They tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior.
- I find that I have a problem with them. Instead of learning new behaviors I tend to try to white knuckle it. I am working on learning new behaviors and new pathways. It is helping.
They tend to see life in episodes--with beginnings and endings--rather than as a process.
- I see both. I see where one part ended and another began. Likewise, I would agree it is a process. So, I am not sure if I fall exactly in this one or not.
They consistently measure the success of their recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.
- I have done this a lot in the past. I am working on being active in my recovery in order to achieve stability, rather than counting days since last I did X.
Significant others tend to experience these individuals as exhausting. Capable of achieving anything they set their minds to...though unsure of what it is they will eventually settle their minds on. The relationships themselves tend to be selfish, focusing on the "addict", more so than the partnership. While love and admiration and long-term stability can still be achieved, it is often at the expense of the partner's individuality.
- I know I exhaust my wife. She knows I am capable of anything I have ever wanted to accomplish, so she does not understand why I don’t just “conquer” this. Or rather, that I don’t put in the effort I would for other things to get them done. I have not been working as hard as I need to, but I have put in a renewed effort and giving everything I have.

Lesson 13 Exercises:
I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to a healthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.

I feel like I am in the middle of early and middle. I have some traits from both.

• In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness and suicide.
- I am not experiencing this as much. It seems to be receding as the weeks go by.

• In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life. Unfortunately, this tends to overwhelm them, distract them, etc., but it is fairly common...and a good sign that their desire to change is sincere.
- It has definitely been a relief to have my behavior understood.

• They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
- I wholeheartedly agree with this. Recovery is about the future. You can’t move forward if you are always focused on the past.

• Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
- I definitely want to be proud of myself and live a life I am proud of.

• They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
- This is important to me. I want to do the right thing. I don’t want to “get away with stuff.”

• They perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.
- I agree. I don’t think we can say we are powerless and then expect change. We will never hold ourselves accountable if we don’t admit what we do we have control over. It might take years to accomplish it, but it within our ability.

• They recognize failure as a learning experience--but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception.
- Deception will get me nowhere. I know I will fail, but how I deal with it is what counts.

• They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not "defective", but "deficient".
- This goes back to what I tell myself, “you are not alone.” Others have been here. Others have recovered. I can do it to.

• They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.
- I have made a great deal of changes to ensure I don’t relapse. I changed my email. I quit visiting sites that can be triggers.