Recovery Nation

Well then. Here I go! I've already done a few lessons on my own, but without any feedback as of yet of course. Feeling a bit.. Anxious posting this to be honest.

Lesson 1:
A:
1) actively committing yourself to change
I hate the way I act.. The lies.. The manipulation.. The denial.. To go on like that is wrong.. Plain wrong.. It hurts others and it hurts myself, when I can be living a life FREE of those things, a life of being a decent human being enjoying my relationship with others, without having to "look good" or pretend I'm somebody I am not.
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
I'm not sure I understand this one.. Of course I feel guilty about what I have done.. Of course I feel shame.. Will I let this get in the way of my recovery? No. Yes, they are part of my motivation to recover, part of feeding my commitment, but the driving force behind it is the positive aspects of a healthy life.
3) allowing yourself time to change.
I cannot.. My lies *have* to stop. I cannot go on like this.. People say progress, not perfection, but I *have* to be perfect in this respect of my life. No, I cannot ever lie again.. No matter how long in the future, not one more lie. That change has to come immediatly.. I cannot give myself time for that.

B: 10-15 reasons for changing.
Being able to be my true self
Finding healthy pleasure in my partner
Not having to worry about the next time I'll lie
A closer relationship with my heart
Facing problems as they come instead of letting them grow when I procrastinate
No more pain of realizing my denial
No longer hurting the one I love
Building a better relationship based on honesty
A healthier body as I stop lying to myself about deserving the unhealthy things I eat.
Feeling the strenght of conquering a problem like my own
Standing up for myself
Having MY opinion, not anybody elses
Doing things instead of saying I cannot
C:
I don't actually have a picture of myself young.. My parents have some, so I might ask my mother to send me a copy. But I pictured myself as a young.. 4-5 year old boy.. Running outside with my little blue wagon.. I loved that toy as a child.. Wild brown hair, big cheeks and big front teeth..
He was so happy then.. Not a care in the world except the things his little wagon got stuck on.. He didn't care if he got dirty if he jumped in a big puddle of water or if I got mud in my wagon.. He had fun.. He was innocent..
Then I think about all the hell I've gone through.. All the horrible choices he'll make in his life.. All the pains he'll go through.. And it hurts.. It hurts so much to see that innocence spoiled and ruined so horribly.. To see that little boy grow up into a despised man is painfull to imagine..
And the truth is.. That's who I am.. I grew up into that.. I am that despised man.. I ruined that little boys innocense and killed him.. It hurts so much to say that.. But it is the truth.. I killed him.. Never again will that little boy smile like that again, and playing with his little blue wagon..
It takes effort for me to think about the future.. To think about what I can do to make it better.. I can never revive that little boy.. He is dead.. I can never regain innocence.. But I can restore myself to health.. To live with the memories of what I have done.. But to know I'll never repeat them again.. I want it so badly.. So terribly badly.. And I will get it. I will find the strength to reach that point in life..

Lesson 2:
My vision for the future..
I see myself as a strong person.. A person who has a view of what I want.. Of what I think about things.. And when asked something I can instantly give an answer instead of tiptoeing around the subject.. I'm willfull, strong, and independant.. But I am at the same time humble.. I listen to those who I love and those wiser than myself.. Not blindly following them but taking what they say into consideration.
I suppose my spouse. I stand up for her when she is insulted, and am humble enough to help her in her troubles.
I'm honest. I never tell a lie.. No matter the situation, not even white lies. I tell the truth, even if it hurts.
I'm independant. While I love my spouse and work hard to show her that love, I don't need anybody to live a normal life.

Lesson 3:
My compulsive values:
Short term pleasure
Relief
Escaping
Forgetting
Running away
Selfishness
Making myself look better than I am
People-pleaser
Fear of being myself
From the examples list:
Dedicated
Dependable
Reliable
Feeling masculine
Being judged trustworthy
Adaptable
Self-discipline
Personal growth, development
My own:
Patient
Leader qualities
Romantically spontaneous
Having free time to spend at home
Physically strong
Healthy
A gentleman
Role model
Good humor
Inspiring
Good at my job
Creative interests
Being in touch with my inner self
Loving myself
Fighting for what I love
Protective
Seeing errors if I make them
Ammending them instantly
Respected
Spiritual
Elegant
Powerful
Considerate
Strenght
Self-respect
Self-confidence
Quick of thought
Willfull
Independant
Humble
Trusting
Respectfull
Loving
Wise
Thoughtful
Caring
Gentle
Selfless
Absolutely honest
Normal
Decent
Good career

Lesson 4 (My own values and the ones I took from the examples list, but this time put in order of how I prioritize them) & Lesson 5 (Added the values of sexual pleasure and feeling desires after consideration):
Absolutely honest
Normal
Being in touch with my inner self
Decent
Humble
Strength
Loving
Spiritual
Respectfull
Willfull
Self-confidence
Self-respect
Fighting for what I love
Romantically spontaneous
Protective
Role model
A gentleman
Trusting
Personal growth, development
Seeing errors if I make them
Self-discipline
Ammending them instantly
Quick of thought
Powerful
Thoughtful
Caring
Gentle
Wise
Selfless
Considerate
Dependable
Reliable
Inspiring
Dedicated
Being judged trustworthy
Respected
Adaptable
Having free time to spend at home
Elegant
Sexual pleasure
Feeling desired
Leader qualities
Patient
Independant
Healthy
Creative interests
Loving being a good person
Feeling masculine
Physically strong
Good humor
Good at my job
Good career

Lesson 6:
Absolute honesty:
-Remember that telling a lie causes the pain avoided expentionally worse in time.
-Allow myself to do wrong things sometimes.
-If a lie is told, if getting a feeling of uneasyness, don't wait for her to expose it, say sorry and take it back immediately.

Loving:
-Remember how much she truly means to me.
-Enjoy the love!
-Cuddle her often!
-Offer selfless support when she needs it.

Fighting for what I love:
-Spot when people offend her.
-Stand up to them, defend her against those who offend her instead of letting her fight the battle on her own.
-Ask if she's offended by something a person said, or if I misunderstood what they said.

Lesson 7: In progress, I'll post it when I have made recovery plans for all 15 items.

Lesson 8: When I have some free time with my girlfriend I will ask her to read the text.

Hi MrDon
and welcome to RN


no need to be anxious
you are amongst a supportive community
you are not alone albeit you must do the work

if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you

your vision needs a bit of work
it should be considered as a work in progress and you will refer back to it as you recover so it really is worth putting in those extra yards right now
Establishing a healthy vision for one's life is the single most important tool a person can develop in their recovery. That single vision--when backed by clarity--is capable of serving as both the beacon for change and, a means of contrasting what is healthy and what is a threat.



An ideal vision needs to be both general and specific, idealistic and practical.
can I suggest that you refer to coach Mels "how to generate the ideal vision

did you miss exercise 5 where you prioritise those values?
Your values are those principles in your life that you use to derive meaning and fulfillment. They form the foundation of your identity

so if you missed this please go back it is so important as you set out on this journey

looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Thank you for your reply!

I didn't miss the 5th lesson, the second time I list them (In the 4th lesson) they are in order by how much I prioritize them.

I've been doing a lesson a day so far, I would be doing more but I am fearful of getting addicted to recovery (I did that in the beginning of my 12-step recovery a month ago), and so far I feel it's a good pace, I don't have "urges" to work on recovery in the same way I did previously. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to do the lessons, but it's not compulsive.

Yesterday another one of my lies were exposed. I had been telling my girlfriend in the beginning of this new phase of my recovery I had been having increased memories due to self-pity and anger. The truth is that they were more than memories that were easily pushed away, they were urges. I wanted to go look at porn. I chose to want porn more than her again and again those nights..

Yesterday night I also relapsed. Late at night after she had logged off, I MB'd for about 10 seconds, choosing to ignore the fact that doing so would ruin everything between us, and putting my pleasure and "relief and escape" above everything else, including my love for her.

Today when arguing, she again and again gave me the choice of breaking the cycle I've been in of promising, failing, promising, failing, and over and over.. And time and time again I choose to do it "in the future", once again choosing to push her away..

Hi Don

you are quite correct recovery can become addictive
we are usually very compulsive by nature and we do get that buzz from recovery or even abstinence
good awareness should ensure that you dont get complacent and fall into that trap

as said its not a race it is a journey and truthfully it does not matter too much how or when you get there so long as you keep on the right track and achieve what you set out to do

regarding relapse, or more accurately slip
learn from it, be honest firstly with yourself
recognise the emotions surrounding the event

feel guilty know that feeling and then put it to one side to ensure that it does not hamper your recovery

accept that slips can happen but do not accept their inevitability
dont be too hard on yourself

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

My 2nd attempt of a vision for my future:

I see my self as a powerfull man in charge of my own thoughts. I still get memories of P as they are a part of the natural body but I deal with them in a mature and good manner, throwing them aside. I never lust for memories, I always feel disgust at them.
As a powerfull person I have a clear view of what I want to do. I make decisions based on my long term values, even if it means causing a bit of pain in the short term. If somebody asks my opinion I give it clear and direct, without tiptoeing aroudn the subject. But very importantly, I do not force my will through. Even more than I am powerful, I am humble. I don't assume directly that my view is correct, but rather listen to what others have to say and incorporate all of our needs and values into a suggestion. And even this plan, I don't force through.
I consider myself equal to each person in the world, no matter what. I don't hate who I am, nor do I see myself as a super-human. I make the right decisions, but I am in no way a better person than my neighbor becaues of it.
Honesty is key in my life. I never tell a lie, no matter how tiny or white it is, even if it means causing harm to the person.
I am respectful, feeling the pain of others and doing what I can to help them with it.
I have a good career supporting my girlfriend, who in my future is my wife, and making sure we live a healthy life with all our needs forfilled.
I am quick of thought, listening to my heart and saying what it thinks, without delay or repetition.
I prioritize things properly, seeing that my own needs don't come before everybody elses, and that others needs are just as important as my own. Within all of them, I see which are important and take care of them first.
My entire vision can be described by two words: Normal and decent.

Hi mrdon

that is better but do remember that your life vision should be a work in progress

refer to it and add to it as you go
life should be the best that you can make it
RN really is a life changing community, life can always be improved, and it is we who can and will improve it

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Here we go! My recovery plan for the first 15 values.


Absolute honesty:
-Remember that telling a lie causes the pain avoided expentionally worse in time.
-Allow myself to do wrong things sometimes.
-If a lie is told, if getting a feeling of uneasyness, don't wait for her to expose it, say sorry and take it back immediatly.

Normal:
-Take a step back every now and then, looking at my behavior.
-If I am acting like a super-human, pray for humbleness for a time.
-If I am wallowing in self-pity, take a moment to listen to affirmations and love who you can be instead.
-Practice asking the question "What would my inner self do?" when facing a decision.
-Remember that a logical way of thinking isn't always the right approach.

Being in touch with my inner self:
-Pray atleast once a day.
-Putting my hand to my heart for closer spiritual contact.
-Pray whenever difficulties arise.

Decent:
-Practice humbleness to avoid lies.
-If in a pressured situation I speak a lie, I'm to immediatly take it back and apologise.
-Value that which is dear to me, reminding myself when need be to see the importance of it.
-Take a part as active listener in my girlfriends recovery. Inquire, and not only when she's asking me.
-After arguments with my girlfriend, do the proper things:
-Don't neglect my other recovery duties.
-If it does not work, change what I am doing.
-Inquire about her day and how she is feeling, if she slept well, and mean the questions I ask.

Humble:
-Keep an updated list of your arrogant aspects.
-Watch out for such behaviors, understand the triggers and reasons behind them.
-Keep a daily list of recovery activities that need to be done. No room for "forgetting"
-Pray for humility.
-Listen daily 20 minutes to affirmations (Update them every two weeks), including humility.
-When expected to do something difficult, don't run away, but deal with the problem.

Strength:
-Staying with a thought when I know it is correct.
-Keeping a promise when it has been made.
-Spending time working the things I am meant to, and not neglect my duties.
-Behave in the way that is proper.

Loving:
-Remember how much she truly means to me.
-Enjoy the love!
-Cuddle her often!
-Offer selfless support when she needs it.

Spiritual:
-Pray the serenity and 3rd step prayer every morning.
-Whenever memories arise, pray for my heart to remove them.
-When not feeling in touch, take 10 minutes to just listen and talk to your heart.

Respectful:
-Consider peoples needs equal to my own.
-Understand that criticism isn't bad, but constructive.
-Put myself in their points of view to understand their own needs and what can be to help them with their needs.
-Listening without getting defensive and protective of what I do/am.
-Recognize my weaknesses and strengths.

Willfull:
-Once I have made a decision, to go to my greatest strengths to perform it.
-Don't confuse this with arrogance. If my decision is questioned, make sure it is the right one.
-Defend what I know is right, but be careful to know what I can't know.

Self-confidence:
-Don't confuse humility with humiliation. I am equal to everybody else, not less than.
-Recognize my strengths, not only my weaknesses. KEYWORD: Balance!
-Whenever I feel leaning towards more to either side (Especially in the morning), listen to affirmations on humbleness, consider if I truly am better or worse than everybody else in a calm state of mind.

Self-respect:
-Not putting myself down, thinking about how horrible and worthless I am.
-Staying humble, it's not respectful to myself to see myself as better than I truly am.
-Knowing my limits. What am I good at? What am I bad at? What can I, and what can't I do?
-Trusting my intuition and Higher Power to lead me to a path of happiness. Be humble enough to understand that what I can't do, I have to step aside from, to give my higher power space to work.

Fighting for what I love:
-Spot when people offend her.
-Stand up to them, defend her against those who offend her instead of letting her fight the battle on her own.
-Ask if she's offended by something a person said, or if I misunderstood what they said.

Romantically spontaneous:
-Don't write "automatic" loving replies, be creative instead!
-Be playful sometimes, teasing her in a loving way.
-Tell her just how much you truly love her.
-Write a romantic letter every now and then!

Protective:
-Let her feel safe.
-Never be completely out of contact with her.
-Help ease her worries.
-Don't put her in dangerous situations with other men I.E Making her walk alone through the night.
-Defend her when challenged
-If a person makes a suggestive comment, step in and tell them off.
-If a person stares, step in the line of sight and ask them to pay some more respect.

Lesson 9:

If the same had happened to me, and my girlfriend had done the things I had, and if we were to remain in a relationship..
I'd want as much control about what was going on as possible. I could not trust her one little bit, so her word would literally mean nothing.
I'd need to set up rules on what I deem to be risky behaviour, because once again, I can't trust her to set the limits herself.
I'd demand absolute honesty. I need to know EVERYTHING that goes on in her mind, and anything addiction related.
Any way that she got it, if it couldn't be controlled, if possible: Throw it away. No unecessary risks unless they're absolutely vital, like PC for work (Controlled with software)
I'd need to see change. Not just hear about it, but actually see it with my own eyes. I'd need to feel loved, and lusted for. And I'd need to see it to such a point I'd know it wasn't a lie, but that she genuinely feels it.
IF a relapse happened, it would devestate me.. But I'd need her to get back on the wagon with her full intentions, prefferably without any sort of self-pity or such. She made the choice, she needs to do something about it.

(We have not had a chance to do lesson 8 yet, due to long distance relationship, but we're planning to do it tonight, so I shall post tomorrow.)

Lesson 8:

Well. I read the text. I asked her to read the text. And I asked for her thoughts about it.. And she agrees completely with it. She didn't understand what I was wanting her to say about it, because to her it was obvious that I had hurt her in the exact same way.. And when she understood that even this text didn't put me in the proper perspective of understanding her pain, she was hurt and offended because of me. So I didn't keep the rules.. I got defensive, selfish, and self-pitying at times, and over and over it all went back to talking about me instead of her. So I guess my thoughts are mostly centred around why I make it out like all of this is related to the way I act and think, why it's always about me and never her. She had to point out yesterday just how selfish that is of me, and how even more selfish it is of me to not see it.

I take her love for granted, while at the same time knowing I should see it as the truly best gift I have ever received. And it hurts her a lot to see that I can't even figure out how to show that gratitude.
She asked me if I would have stayed with the man in the scenario after what he had done to me.. And as hypocritical as it is, I would not have. I'd have no trust for that person.. I'd condemn them to jail for life if I could. I asked her why she had decided to stay, after all these chances. The first time it was because she thought we could work through it.. But every single time thereafter, she doesn't know why she stayed.
She has truly given me a deep deep gift in staying with me, and loving me.. But it annoys me it doesn't sink in deep enough to know how to properly express it..

Lesson 10:

List of places I stored porn:
All the porn I watched was on-line on the Internet through video or image sharing sites/forums.

People I used as compulsive sexual objects:
Porn-stars: Watching them on videos.
Artists: Looking at the nude drawings they made.
Writers: Reading the erotic stories they wrote.
Female characters in video games: Looking at them for sexual pleasure.

Places I used to act out in:
Computer: Looking for porn on-line.
Bed: Masturbating and fantasizing.

Lesson 12:

Their motivation for recovery comes from an attempt to appease others (e.g. to save a relationship; to deflect attention from the behaviors)
Especially my girlfriend, but also the recovery community. Was worse before, getting better at it.

They minimize their behavior (e.g. "It's not how it seems"; "It's not that big of a deal.")
I often have to have it pointed out to me, that my behaviour is acting out. A lot of denial around my bottom lines and when I cross them.

They believe that they are uniquely defective and/or damaged as human beings
Again, something I'm learning to become better at. I used to confuse Humility with Humiliation, but I'm learning to see my strengths as well as my weaknesses.

They find comfort in being able to use "powerlessness" as an excuse for continuing to engage in their behavior.
I have tried to use this excuse to why I have acted out, so now I take care to not think of myself as powerless any more.

They often attempt to "prove" their sincerity to others through voicing dreams, sharing words and making promises, rather than through their actions.
This is especially true considering the only close person (My girlfriend) knowing about my addiction is long-distance, our only communication is over IM. But even then, I use a *lot* of words rather than actions.

They often experience selfish thoughts when caught acting out (e.g. "Why didn't I see this coming?" "Why didn't I cover that up better?" "Why do I cause myself so much pain?")
I am extremely selfish when it comes to recovery, often needing it pointed it out that I've neglected the needs of others.

They believe that they are suffering from a disease that is beyond their control, but not beyond all hope.
A way of thinking I often return to without properly keeping an eye on my thoughts.

They tend to confuse addiction recovery with general mental health issues--creating a hypersensitivity to all of the emotions that they experience. Depression, anxiety, anger--they are all tightly related to "recovery" and an imbalance in one often leads to an imbalance in the other.
I relate a lot of my emotional problems such as selfishness and arrogance to my sexual addiction.

They perceive "powerlessness" not as absolute powerlessness over their life, but a limited powerlessness over their urges.
I think that I cannot stop myself from having say.. Memories of the pornographic material I have watched, but I have the power to decide what to do with those thoughts: Discard them.

They often attempt to convince others of their recovery by offering their "new identity" as proof. Again, most often seen with hyper-religiosity and hyper-recovery situations.
I often show a difference in my behaviour as "proof" of the fact I am recovering, often pointing to specific incidents where I reacted "normally".

They consistently measure the success of their recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.
I relate, and not relate to this one. I keep a track of soberness days, but I also feel much more satisfied with life when I have been sober from my bottom lines.

Lesson 13:

Early:
In early recovery, they often "test the waters" of recovery by attempting recovery for a few days, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few weeks, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few months, then acting out. A weaning behavior similar to a toddler giving up a security blanket.
This is something I did in the very beginning, deciding to test every 7 days, but at the last moment before the first "test" I decided to stay away from this behaviour.

In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life. Unfortunately, this tends to overwhelm them, distract them, etc., but it is fairly common...and a good sign that their desire to change is sincere.
Within a few first weeks I immediately thought I had it sorted, that I was "special" as I was already completely up to date with my addiction, without ever having to worry about relapse.

In early recovery, these individuals may be all across the board in terms of treatment, and may display many similar traits as to those in the "Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle With Relapse" category above.
Not in the very beginning, but after the first 2 months and discovery of my relapsing behaviour, I started looking all over the place for different recovery methods/programs/techniques.

In early recovery, they perceive "powerlessness" as "helplessness" and "desperation".
Mostly during arguments I felt an increasing amount of helplessness, becoming worse and worse until the point where I would actually give up for a second, before being brought back thanks to my girlfriend.

In early recovery, significant others tend to experience these individuals as very needy, pathetic, "lost souls".
My girlfriend very often remarked on how.. Helpless I seemed, always wanting the answers from somebody else, never taking responsibility for my actions.

Middle:
They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
I realize that the past is the past, and that the damage I did then is in avoidable. I used to have many many thoughts of "well maybe it wasn't cheating.." or thoughts like that, trying to justify what I used to do, rather than accepting it for what it is, and working on changing it.

Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
I want to be free from my addiction, living a responsible, honest person. Not just seem like one in public, pointing to that behaviour as an excuse when I relapse.

They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
This I'm not entirely sure I relate to, but I feel like I do. It's more about what decision is the right one, rather than say.. Watching a movie instead of recovery-work, believing I could get away with procrastnation.

They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioural patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.
Focusing on controlling/ending previous behaviour has always ended horribly for me, making the behaviour in question much much worse. Only after experience of failure doing that, have I begun working on new patterns instead.

They perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.
As it says, I did not have, and in some ways still do not have, adequate skills to deal with urges and life, but I am not powerless to learn these skills.

They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behaviour.
I've trained myself to use addiction as a first way of dealing with my issues, over and over, during a majority of my life, rather than to deal with problems, as it says, with healthy behaviour. This addiction is not a disease or a problem I was born with, this addiction is due to bad values.

They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.
I both relate, and don't relate with this. I have removed many unhealthy risk-filled activities from my life, but only after the risk of said behaviour has caused trouble or caused an argument.

Significant others tend to experience these individuals with cautious optimism. They can see the changes taking place, but remain unable to commit to their partner's fully--as they continue to doubt their own judgment (a consequence of the shocking discovery of the addiction's reality).
My girlfriend seems to be more hopeful about the future, but with caution and some worries still.


Late:
None, sadly.

Lesson 15:

I've come to see how my life is ruled by values, and how such the values I've chosen from engaging in my addiciton are very contradicting to the values I wish to persue in life.
I've come to understand that powerlessness is just describing a way of not having the tools/understanding to do something, and that it is not a way of escaping responsibility to learn said tools/understandings.
I've understood that just persuing ideas or values "A better relationship" without a clear image of what I can actually do to make my relationship better or stick with my value. Recovery plans for my main values have been a big help in this.
I've begun understanding that it is not only own values that have importance, but that other people also have values just as strongly as I do.

I practice humility and honesty according to my recovery plan, following intuition based on the things I have written there. I have begun seeking to take care of my partner in further ways than just the 2nd Couples Exercise.

Lesson 16:

My addiction brought me relief from the stress of life, or to simply have something to do to relieve boredom. It also brought me "satisfaction" with pleasure, relieving hornyness when my girlfriend was not there.. And when the things my girlfriend and I did weren't enough for me.
To put it simply, it forfilled:
Cravings
Relieved stress
Relieved Boredom
Let me forget upsetting things and run away from them.