Recovery Nation

Well this is day 1 for me. Started to start last week but didn't quite get up and running for various reasons. Before starting my exercises I wanted to make note of the Alias I am using for this journey. And since it is a journey, I wanted an alias that reflected that reality. The alias comes from the title to a song written by Michael Murphy and performed by the Nitty Gritty Dirt band. An excerpt of the lyrics:

There's a lost river that flows
In a valley where no one goes
Where the wild water's rush
Rumbles deep in the hush

Gone far from there now
Lord, I'll be back somehow
To where the wild water winds
In the shadow of the pines

Now every body knows
Where that lost river flows
It's some place he's lost
Behind the bridges that he's crossed

And he'd like to return
But the bridges are all burned
And he's much too far down
To return to higher ground

Oh, lost river, now I'm coming back
........
Where the lost river winds
In the shadow of the pines

Oh, lost river, far over the ridge
Now is it too late
For me to build me a new bridge?

To the bright golden time
When love was still mine
And the world was still wild
Like the heart of a child

So this is the beginning of my journey, back to the lost river of innocence, joy, peace and tranquility, love and light, reality and faithfulness!

Lesson 1 Exercise:
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) Actively committing yourself to change
2) Not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) Allowing yourself time to change.
Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.
1. I have committed myself to change so many times, I’m not sure I really know what that means or takes, or if I believe that it is even possible. But having read through this program, it resonates with me in a way that previous efforts have not. I definitely have more confidence in this program at the outset than I ever have upon expressing a commitment to overcome this addiction. A note – I have always focused on the words “committing” and “change,” but having just re-read the first key, the words “Actively” and “Yourself” seem to be jumping out at me. So that must be the real key for my focus. ACTIVELY committing MYSELF. OK. I get it.
2. Not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage my commitment – my first reaction is to almost bypass this entirely. I have realized for a long time that guilt and shame only get in the way and actually make the problem worse. In truth, the guilt and shame are always there. So I will need to remind myself of this key regularly. Got it.
3. Allowing myself time to change. Ok, now getting to the hard part. This one is tough. I have given myself YEARS to change already. I am ready to get beyond this addiction and on to the life I am meant to live. How much longer do I have to give? But, yes, I do understand this so I will try to channel my impatience into a sense of urgency and “ACTIVE COMMITMENT” to this program.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. List these in your recovery thread.
1. To be the man I am meant to be and can and should be
2. To be a great husband
3. To be a man of virtue, admired and respected by others.
4. To be free of this addiction
5. To better focus my day and to organize and complete tasks
6. To live the life I want to live, and to live it to the fullest
7. To get my life back under control
8. To have the natural joy and happiness I had when I was young
9. To have a lively faith, and to give God thanks for all the blessings he has given me
10. To love being in the light and look forward to each new day
11. To be a role model for my children, and even for their friends
12. Ultimately to be able to help others to overcome this addiction
13. I want to succeed and excel as I am capable, not underperform and fail as I have become

Hi Lostriver
great name

welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

some of your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you

however there are a few that are about others, your wife and daughters, other sex addicts and tend to be worded negatively
positive reasons stand the test of time and stress so much better than negatives

Because I am not the man, husband, father I want to be

could be more positive by saying I want to be the man that I want to be

3. Tired of being enslaved

could be I will be free from the enslavement of this addiction


remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you, and your reasons for change will change and become more you focused as you progress

remember that as an addict you are much less of a value to others so be a little selfish (sex addicts tend to be anyway) put you and your recovery first

looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Kenzo, thanks for the words of encouragement and the positive changes you suggested. I have made some changes based on your recommendations, and I feel a lot better about the revised list. I really appreciate the feedback, and knowing that someone cares enough to offer support. LostRiver

Lesson 1: Exercise C.
With the picture in hand, look into the child's eyes. Feel their innocence. Acknowledge that this child is you at a point in your life. Feel how vulnerable you were. How trusting. Recognize the lack of addiction in your life...and the desire for little more than love, compassion, teaching and support... Now if you would like, share your experience with this last exercise in your thread.

This really is a powerful exercise (even though I didn't find the picture I wanted). This child loved to laugh and play and craved learning, especially math and reading. Absolutely devoured learning. Never at rest. At the same time, hated to be alone. Always wanted to be with friends or family. Got really excited about events and activities and parties and games. Very happy almost all the time. Felt life was to be lived and explored and relished. Excelled at most games, sports, academics. Shy around adults and new people, but adapted pretty quickly to most situations. Loved summer. Boy I would love to go back to that time and begin again!

Lesson 2: My Personal Vision

I see myself as one who has the life experiences, skills, understanding, caring, knowledge and empathy to be an advisor, counselor, mentor for my family and friends, in matters of faith, knowledge, culture, love, and life. Furthermore, I desire, enjoy, and perceive this as a big part of the person God made me to be.

My vision then is to actually achieve my life's purpose by gaining control of my own emotions, by practicing self-discipline, by focusing more on others and less on myself, and by recognizing what is truly important in my life. To bring this to the practical level, I envision and choose a healthy lifestyle (food choices, physical activity, and moderation in all things). I envision and choose more time, attention and kindness to my children. I envision and choose more intimacy with my wife based on deeper and more frequent communication and more quality time together including a weekly date night. I envision and choose an internal life of regular prayer and devotion. Finally, I envision and choose success in my career / job by actually using, refining and executing my skills and knowledge in a more positive, pro-active, and focused manner each and every day.

Lesson 3: Values

Time flies. Lots going on in my life. Thinking about this every day, and have worked a bit on this each day, even when I'm not posting. But, have given myself over to lust / P/MB several times and need to get back on track, which means making this a priority and giving it some focused time each day.

Lesson 3 Exercises: Values List

1. Understanding, caring, and empathetic
2. Advisor, counselor, mentor for my family and friends
3. Knowledgeable about matters of faith, culture, love and life
4. Be the man God made me to be
5. Achieve my life's purpose
6. Gain control of my own emotions
7. Practice self-discipline
8. Focus more on others
9. Recognize what is truly important in my life
10. Choose a healthy lifestyle
11. Eat healthy
12. Take care of my body through exercise
13. Practice moderation in the use of alcohol
14. Give more time and attention to my children
15. Renew intimacy with my wife
16. Have deeper and more frequent communication with my wife
17. Quality time with my wife
18. Weekly date night
19. Internal life of regular prayer and devotion
20. Success in my career / job
21. Using, refining and executing my skills and knowledge
22. Positive, pro-active, and focused work effort each day
23. Living with integrity
24. Living with compassion
25. Sharing my true self with the world around me
26. Being an inspiration to others
27. Being dedicated
28. Showing appreciation towards others
29. Being tenacious in my pursuit of (add pursuit)
30. Being charitable, giving
31. Bringing joy to others
32. Providing quality in my work
33. Being respected as a professional by others
34. Being dependable / reliable
35. Honesty
36. Humbleness
37. Sense of humor
38. Being considerate of others
39. Putting other’s needs before my own
40. Role model for my family and others
41. Loving others
42. Being challenged; overcoming challenges
43. Competition
44. Developing emotional maturity
45. Pursuing a career change
46. Striving for excellence
47. Establishing financial freedom
48. Overcoming/surviving personal struggles
49. Passionate about life
50. Being respected
51. Being judged trustworthy
52. Developing patience
53. Sharing my true self with the world around me
54. Being identified by others as charming and warm
55. Connecting to purpose, meaning of life
56. Establishing my legacy
57. Instilling healthy values in my kids
58. Financial stability
59. Being a leader
60. Sacrificing for others
61. Fidelity
62. Intellectual growth, debate, communication
63. Taking care of others in need
64. Feeling happy and content
65. Accepting responsibility for living my life
66. Be known as truthful and honest
67. Sense of accomplishment
68. Friendship
69. Forgiveness
70. Personal growth, development
71. Selflessness/Altruism
72. Self-discipline
73. Detachment
Negative values to eliminate
74. Curiosity
75. Anxiety
76. Fear
77. Lust
78. Selfishness
79. Experiencing the forbidden
80. Avoiding conflict
81. Wasting time
82. Guilt and shame
83. Escape / hiding

Lesson 4 Exercises
The following is my re-ordered list of priorities:

1. Be the man God made me to be / Achieve my life's purpose
2. Renew intimacy with my wife
3. Foster an internal life of regular prayer and devotion
4. Overcoming/surviving personal struggles
5. Living with integrity
6. Achieve success in my career / job
7. Advisor, counselor, mentor for my family and friends
8. Achieve financial stability
9. More time and deeper communication with my wife
10. Choose a healthy lifestyle
11. Being charitable, giving
12. Understanding, caring, and empathetic
13. Practice Self-discipline and Detachment
14. Instilling healthy values in my kids
15. Give more time and attention to my children
16. Positive, pro-active, and focused work effort each day
17. Weekly date night
18. Fidelity
19. Role model for my family and others
20. Tenacious in pursuit of my faith
21. Personal growth, development
22. Sense of accomplishment
23. Gain control of my own emotions
24. Recognize what is truly important in my life
25. Eat healthy
26. Take care of my body through exercise
27. Practice moderation in the use of alcohol
28. Living with compassion
29. Being an inspiration to others
30. Feeling happy and content
31. Being dedicated
32. Showing appreciation towards others
33. Putting other’s needs before my own
34. Being considerate of others
35. Focus more on others
36. Taking care of others in need
37. Sacrificing for others
38. Loving others
39. Sharing my true self with the world around me
40. Bringing joy to others
41. Knowledgeable about matters of faith, culture, love and life
42. Using, refining and executing my skills and knowledge
43. Providing quality in my work
44. Being respected as a professional by others
45. Being identified by others as charming and warm
46. Being dependable / reliable
47. Honesty
48. Humility
49. Sense of humor
50. Competition
51. Developing emotional maturity
52. Pursuing a career change
53. Striving for excellence
54. Passionate about life
55. Being respected
56. Being judged trustworthy
57. Developing patience
58. Establishing my legacy
59. Being a leader
60. Intellectual growth, debate, communication
61. Accepting responsibility for living my life
62. Be known as truthful and honest
63. Friendship
64. Forgiveness

Negative values to eliminate
65. Curiosity
66. Anxiety
67. Fear
68. Lust
69. Selfishness
70. Experiencing the forbidden
71. Avoiding conflict
72. Wasting time
73. Guilt and shame
74. Escape / hiding

Lesson 5 Exercises
The following is my re-ordered list of priorities:

1. Be the man God made me to be / Achieve my life's purpose
2. Deepen my faith and relationship with God
3. Renew a committed, loving relationship with my wife
4. Help my children reach their full potential
5. Overcome my personal struggles
6. Achieve financial stability
7. Pursue physical, mental and emotional health and wellbeing
8. Be understanding, caring, empathetic and charitable to others
9. Practice Self-discipline and Detachment
10. Be respected as an advisor, mentor, role model for family and friends
11. Be passionate about life
12. Reestablish fidelity and sexual intimacy with my wife
13. Find a renewed sense of confidence and accomplishment
14. Experience what is good and beautiful in life
15. Share what I have to give with others

good work lostriver
your lifes vision has depth and covers many aspects of a life that should be capable of providing health and satisfaction despite the stresses that you will encounter during your journey of recovery


Feedback on your values:
a quote from coach Jon


The coach identifies two types of values


Universal Values
and
Practical values
if you combined some of your stated values you could then add in others, I see no reference to truth, openess, healthy sex, or fun
just a thought, keep up the good work

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Kenzo, thanks again for the extremely helpful insights. I will take a look at some possible modification before moving on to the next exercise!

Busy couple of weeks but ready to get back on track.
Beginning with a revised set of prioritized values, thanks to feedback from Kenzo:

1. Deepen my faith and relationship with God
2. Achieve my life's purpose
3. Renew a committed, open, loving relationship with my wife
4. Help my children reach their full potential
5. Overcome my personal struggles
6. Achieve home and financial stability
7. Practice physical health / exercise / Get in shape
8. Practice Self-discipline and Detachment
9. Be understanding, caring, empathetic and charitable to others
10. Be respected as an advisor, mentor, role model for family and friends
11. Be passionate about living a life filled with fun, happiness, truth and integrity
12. Reestablish healthy sexual desire and intimacy with my wife
13. Find a renewed sense of confidence and accomplishment
14. Experience true joy in the talents, gifts and opportunities I have been given
15. Share what I have to give with others

Lessen 5 Exercises:
A. Take a moment to look over that prioritized list of your personal values with a fresh view. As you read through it, ask yourself, "Does this reflect the person that I am committing myself to becoming?" Yes, absolutely.

B. Consider two or three major decisions that you have made in your life. Does your current prioritized values list reflect the choices that you would make? Yes it does.

C. Finally, examine the list one more time for its realism. Do this by briefly grasping each value and thinking about the role that it would play in your day-to-day life. Ok, I am confident this is the plan I can and will commit to.

D. Take the top fifteen values that you have currently listed and post them in your Recovery Thread. Done. Edited the previously posted list.

Lesson 6 Exercise:
A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones. Post these plans into your recovery thread.

Ok, I think I get it. I have chosen 3 to begin with:

Achieve home and financial stability
• Create and maintain a detailed family budget
• Create and maintain a daily family chores list
• Start a monthly savings deposit of at least $200 per month
• Increase sales commission by spending at least 4 hours per day on sales activities
• Plan evening meals with my wife and shop for groceries together

Practice physical health / exercise / Get in shape
• Walk / Jog / or Ride bike 3 times per week
• Maintain standard daytime meal plan for health during the week

Practice Self-discipline and Detachment
• Start the day by planning / organizing my daily schedule and tasks
• Start the day with a prayer / quiet meditation
• Practice a full or partial fast one day per week

Lesson 7 Exercise:
A. Take the next week (start today) to develop initial action plans for the remaining 'top priority' values. These plans will be used to form the basis of your health monitoring system.

Here are my first 8:

1) Deepen my faith and relationship with God
• Daily scripture reading
• Daily prayer of at least 30 minutes
• Regular participation in the sacraments

2) Achieve my life's purpose
• Pray, meditate and discern how to best fulfill my vocation as husband and father
• Pray, meditate and discern my role and relationship to others in my life
• Complete this workshop and execute my plan

3) Renew a committed, open, loving relationship with my wife
• Commit to a weekly “date night”
• Do at least one positive thing for my wife each day
• Spend at least 30 minutes each day in focused communication
• Make an effort to pray together
• Share what is going on in my work, good or bad, and ask about hers

4) Help my children reach their full potential
• Spend at least 30 minutes each day in listening to my children
• Spend at least 1 hour per week working with each daughter on sports or school work
• Create a daily jobs schedule

5) Overcome my personal struggles
• Continue this workshop, completing 3 assignments per week, reading each day
• Pray for strength

6) Achieve home and financial stability
• Create and maintain a detailed family budget
• Create and maintain a daily family chores list
• Start a monthly savings deposit of at least $200 per month
• Increase sales commission by spending at least 4 hours per day on sales activities
• Plan evening meals with my wife and shop for groceries together

7) Practice physical health / exercise / Get in shape
• Walk / Jog / or Ride bike 3 times per week
• Maintain standard daytime meal plan for health during the week

8) Practice Self-discipline and Detachment
• Start the day by planning / organizing my daily schedule and tasks
• Start the day with a prayer / quiet meditation
• Practice a full or partial fast one day per week

Action Plans Continued:

9) Be understanding, caring, empathetic and charitable to others
• Practice focused listening when another is speaking to me
• Look for someone to say a kind word to each day
• Offer to help someone each week
• Treat others the way I would like to be treated

10) Be respected as an advisor, mentor, role model for family and friends
• Start by modeling the kind of behavior I would like to see in my children
i) Moderation and self-control
ii) Kindness and Gentleness
iii) Laugh and smile often
v) Pray with my family
• Provide honest feedback and share practical experience with friends and family
• Live a life of integrity
• Treat others the way I would like to be treated

11) Be passionate about living a life filled with fun, happiness, truth and integrity
• Take a bike ride with my family each week
• Learn and repeat a new joke each day
• Practice greater honesty toward my wife in my failings

to be continued.....

12) Reestablish healthy sexual desire and intimacy with my wife

13) Find a renewed sense of confidence and accomplishment

14) Experience true joy in the talents, gifts and opportunities I have been given

15) Share what I have to give with others