My Greatest Enemy

captaindoc2 · **Joined:** Mon Sep 26, 2011 5:26 pm **Posts:** 195

I had a sort of break through today. I finally came to realize that my addicted brain or the portion of my brain that drives my addiction...not only lies to me ( just as it lies to other people) but doesn't care about me either (just as it doesn't care about any one else) . All it wants, all it needs, is to watch porn and masturbate. Not only does it not care about my wife and daughter. It doesn't care about me either. It doesn't care whether I lose my family or my friends. It doesn't care about anything at all. All it wants is porn and masturbation. Nothing else matters. Even if it means destroying my life. I came face to face with my worst enemy today...me!

Kenzo · **Posted:** Mon Jun 11, 2012 2:13 pm

great insight, awareness and admission captain
well done :g:

you are quite correct and this applies to us all
we are the ones to blame nobody and nothing else
coach B posted this on a thread regarding the beast
well worth a read

so now what are you going to choose to do?

yes choose
look over your reasons for change
look at your lifes vision
you cannot have the addiction and the acting out AND have the life that you want, that would be wrong for you and for your family, but you know that already
as said well done your addiction is not separate from you it is you, own it and live
great post great honesty :g:

captaindoc2 · **Joined:** Mon Sep 26, 2011 5:26 pm **Posts:** 195

Thanks for your comments, Kenzo.

Ever since I made that realization, things have begun to change for me. Shortly after I wrote that post, I dealt with a major urge (a really strong one!) Instead of giving in I created a break and walked away. I have never ever been able to do this. Many times I would walk away from an urge, only to come back to it a few hours later, and end up creating a compulsive chain. This time, I simply walked away. This has been a major step for me as it has given me a completely different view of my urges. They are only as powerful as I make them. And since they're being driven by the addictive portion of my brain...I know the end results of those urges can't be good.

It's funny, but after I walked away from that compulsion and decided to end it, I was flooded with a deluge of negative self talk. "I hate my life" "I hate this place" "Nobody loves me" "Your wife doesn't love you" "You're an idiot". On and on. I think it was the addictive portion of my brain fighting back. I used to think of the driving force in my addiction as something really powerful but now I think of it as a spoiled little baby boy. The little baby didn't get his porn and he was having a little temper tantrum.

In fact, a week later I had another major urge, started one of my rituals and then ended it. Walked away again. This time my addicted brain's tantrum wasn't as large.

I know this isn't the end, only the beginning of the greatest struggle of my life, but at least now I know I can beat this thing. It isn't the devil or some evil demon...it's just a pattern of behavior born out of isolation and immaturity. A spoiled little brat that lives inside of me. I just need to start teaching it (myself) how to behave.

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My Greatest Enemy

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