Recovery Nation

I started the workshop and then panicked when it was time to open my own thread and start posting... Still nervous. Doing it anyway.

Lesson 1 Exercises:

A.
1) actively committing yourself to change: I felt very encouraged when I read that my chances for recovery are best if my primary motivation to recover stems from wanting a different life for myself. In the past I’ve tried to quit my addiction as a result of pressure from others, and went through the relapse-recommit cycle. I’ve recently realized that my reason for committing to recovery has changed – I can no longer stand to wait for my life to begin. It never will, not on its own. I have to do it myself, no one can do it for me. It was very encouraging to read that this means my chances are better this time.
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change: I think I start feeling guilty and blaming myself whenever I’m doing badly. Whenever I stay in bed longer, waste more time on my addictive behaviors and get fewer things done, I start feeling guilty about things that happened in the past, even before I became addicted. Things that weren’t actually my fault. It’s like picking at old wounds to feel the familiar pain again. It’s something I do a lot, and when I do it of course it leads to another painful cycle...
3) allowing yourself time to change: I feel like I don’t really have time. My studies have suffered as a result of my addiction and I feel as though I have to “get back on track” as quickly as possible and make up for lost time... But the truth is that I was never really ON track. I’ve only recently realized that I’ve spent my entire life moving from addiction to addiction, ever since I was a kid. The skills I need in order to recover and then live? I didn’t lose them. I never had them in the first place. I have to build myself from scratch. Somehow, this isn’t frightening but exciting. Maybe I’m just riding the initial high of committing to recovery...

B.
Reasons why I want to change my life:
1. I want to make music and perform it. It’s what I enjoy most, what I’ve always wanted to do, what makes me truly happy.
2. I want to be able to bravely express myself. Not just in music but also when interacting with people. I don’t want to lie to my friends anymore, I don’t want to be afraid of people getting close enough to hurt me. I want to be able to be vulnerable, take risks and communicate honestly with others.
3. I want to help minorities that are being hurt by society by helping the majority see things from the perspective of the minority. Yup...
4. ...Big dreams? I got ‘em. I don’t want to be afraid to say that out loud anymore. I know who and what I want to be and I shouldn’t be afraid of naysayers.
5. I want to be live openly so I can meet and share my life with other people who live openly, instead of just watching them from afar and stewing in my own jealousy...
6. I want to reach out to people through art and use it to teach and communicate.
7. I believe that I am special and that I have something to give. I don’t want to waste my life. I want to help make the world a better place.
8. I want a relationship. A real and honest one, with real intimacy. Every relationship I’ve had was based on lies. I want to be able to love someone and allow her to love me.
9. I want to have children someday, and when I do, I don’t want to be the kind of parent that either one of my parents was. I want to be able to love and support my kids and help them become healthy and happy adults who are capable of coping with the challenges of life.

C.
The picture exercise made me cry. It validated a lot of feelings I had that were always delegitimized by the people around me. Using words like “trauma” and “addiction” was frown upon. I was told it was nonsense, an exaggeration, or that I was being dramatic. I was told that I was fine, this is normal, everything is fine and normal. But it wasn’t fine. And maybe it was normal, but if this is the norm... then the norm totally sucks and it needs to change. I’m done pretending that everything’s ok. Denial never got me anywhere.

Lesson 2 Exercises:

My Vision:

Learning is important to me. I want to acquire thinking skills and knowledge that will enable me to reach my goals: to learn about music in order to make it, and to learn about interpersonal communication and rhetoric (effective use of language) in order to help people become less conflicted with each other and with themselves.
In my personal life, I want to be open in my relationships. To allow myself to want someone. To share my life with a woman and to develop emotional and physical intimacy with her, but also to be emotionally strong enough to give her and myself the space we will both need. To trust her with my heart, my past, my future, and my daily decisions. To grow as a person by her side and to watch her grow. I want my passion to be more controlled in its release, but I know I’ll always be a passionate person. I want to be able to share my passion with her without fearing rejection at every turn. To be loving and supportive even when I have to swallow my pride to do it, even when it means saying I’m sorry and making a genuine effort to change the things that matter.
I want to raise children the way I wasn’t raised – with love and support. I want to teach them the skills I learn in life so that they can feel safe, and happy, and have the emotional stability and the confidence to succeed in whatever they choose to do. I want to teach them that their mistakes don’t define them, and that learning from their mistakes is the true meaning of success.
I want to find a balance between investing all my emotional resources in others and disregarding other people’s needs for the sake of staying in my comfort zone. I want to be tolerant and respectful and never judge people just to make me feel better about myself. I want to be able to say no when I’m not interested and yes when I am. It might sound obvious, but it’s never been easy for me.
I want to have the strength and skill to keep learning throughout my life, even though change is always uncomfortable, and growing always comes with growing pains. I want to forgive myself and my parents for the first 24 years of my life, and learn to live with my mistakes, learn from them and move on.

Hi aclearday and welcome to recovery nation



good on you
do it and do it for you
We are all nervous when we start out, we all believe that we are unique in our problem filled lives and that our issues are different and mostly worse than that of the "normal" guy

well its not the case
we are all similar in that we have sexual compulsive behaviors that we believe we cannot control nor live without
well we can and this workshop and this community will show that to you

if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you

your lifes vision is also reasonable but it could be more,
that is not a criticism as it get said to most new members by all coaches and mentors
the fact is the life vision is and will continue to be a work in progress document that you will use and refer back to
it should not simply be seen as another exercise that needs a tick in the box

I suggest that you refer to coach Mels "how to" at the top of the community help forum and also perhaps refer to the vision of others
it can and should contain everything that will make your life the best that it can be and as said it will evolve

consider health fun sex security vocational ambition etc etc
as said a good start but................
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Thank you for your reply!
I think I knew my vision was incomplete but I posted it anyway, because I felt like I didn't know if I could do everything I wanted to... Anyway it's a work in progress as you said, so I'll probably post a new version soon. I feel like I need to wait a few days though, so I can review it from a distance.

At long last-

Lesson 3 Exercises:

C.
1)
Accepting responsibility for my life
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Living an exciting life
Personal growth and development
Balance
Adaptability, embracing change
Learning from my mistakes
Passion
Intellectual growth
Debate
Communication
Curiosity
Being a teacher/mentor
Creative self-expression
Establishing a partnership w/someone
Sexual intimacy
Trust
Vulnerability
Connected to my own feelings
Emotional stability
Coping with conflicts
Self-confidence
Forgiveness
Tolerance
Patience
Being considerate of others
Being supportive of others
Showing appreciation towards others
Compassion
Helping others
Experiencing parenthood
Raising a healthy child
Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
Instilling healthy values in my kids
Nurturing their creativity
Loving and supporting them
Being considerate of myself
Taking care of myself
Improving my social interactions
Being identified by others as charming and warm
Strengthening my role as a sister to my siblings
Loving others
Being loved by others
Developing sustained friendships
Dedication
Self-discipline
Integrity
Resourcefulness
Being tenacious in my pursuit of my goals
Being challenged
Striving for excellence
Being recognized as an expert in my field
Being a role model, an inspiration for others
Being a leader
Being a survivor
World-wide recognition
Establishing my legacy
Sense of humor
Physical health
Financial stability
Personal independence
Respecting Mother Earth

2) The dark side of my decision-making:

Internalized homophobia
Shame
Fear of intimacy
Fear of rejection
Fear of failure
Dishonesty
Lack of integrity
Fear of confrontation
Control
Self-harm
Wanting to please others
Inability to trust
Loneliness
Self-pity
Pleasure-seeking
Avoidance

Lesson 4:

Prioritized list of values:

Accepting responsibility for my life
Being tenacious in my pursuit of my goals
Taking care of myself
Personal growth and development
Intellectual growth
Coping with conflicts
Creative self-expression
Self-confidence
Being considerate of others
Self-discipline
Patience
Resourcefulness
Improving my social interactions
Connected to my own feelings
Communication
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Strengthening my role as a sister to my siblings
Developing sustained friendships
Striving for excellence
Personal independence
Tolerance
Physical health
Financial stability

Integrity
Trust
Dedication
Living an exciting life
Emotional stability
Balance
Loving others
Being loved by others
Adaptability, embracing change
Being challenged
Learning from my mistakes
Passion
Debate
Curiosity
Being a leader
Being supportive of others
Showing appreciation towards others
Being identified by others as charming and warm
Being recognized as an expert in my field
Being a role model, an inspiration for others
Being a teacher/mentor
Vulnerability
Forgiveness
Compassion
Helping others
Being considerate of myself
Being a survivor
Sense of humor
Respecting Mother Earth
Establishing a partnership w/someone
Sexual intimacy
Experiencing parenthood
Raising a healthy child
Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
Instilling healthy values in my kids
Nurturing their creativity
Loving and supporting them
Establishing my legacy
World-wide recognition

Lesson 5:

My top 15 values:

Accepting responsibility for my life
Being tenacious in my pursuit of my goals
Taking care of myself
Personal growth and development
Intellectual growth
Coping with conflicts
Creative self-expression
Self-confidence
Being considerate of others
Self-discipline
Patience
Resourcefulness
Improving my social interactions
Connected to my own feelings
Tolerance

Hi onaclearday and welcome back

a comment on your values

some of these could be joined together making room for others
for example

how about joining self expression and self confidence

personal and intellectual growth

Your values are those principles in your life that you use to derive meaning and fulfillment. They form the foundation of your identity, hence they should cover a broad spectrum
if you joined a few there would be room to include
Honesty
Intimacy
Family
Love
Sex (yes healthy sex)
Spirituality
just a thought

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Thank you for your comment. You make a good point.
I chose to include both self expression and self confidence because they mean very different things to me. Same goes for personal and intellectual growth. But I think by "personal growth" I mean "emotional growth", which is similar to being "connected to my own feelings", so that may indeed be redundant. I'll re-review my list.
As for the values I didn't include... I tried to focus on what my current challenges are. For example, to me, "being considerate of others" and "tolerance" is what family means at this point in my life. I guess what I want is to be able to exercise patience and tolerance with the people who don't afford me the same courtesy.

There's one thing, however, that I'm not so sure about. The reason I deliberately kept sex out of my top 15 is that I'm afraid of having to take steps in that direction. I didn't want to commit to a value and then not follow through. Should I give myself time to grow as a person before I tackle this? Or am I just lying to myself and letting fear control me again? I feel like it should be OK to be afraid, but then again, I'm so used to making up excuses, I feel like I can't trust my own judgement anymore... And now that I've taken the time to think about this, I realize how painful it is to even think about. Just writing about it now is making me cry and I don't know what to do.

Hi Aclearday



having a value relating to sex, sex with love, healthy sex is OK, nobody suggests that you need to be sexually active in particular during the early stages of recovery abstinence is recommended



this usually involves sex

seriously these are your values and your reasons to change it is your journey of recovery
learn from the lessons
learn from your and other peoples mistakes but do keep learning



fear is an emotion it is finite as you will learn as you progress
dont fear fear dont hide from it dont deny it

recovery is painful as we accept and admit but believe me its so much less painful than continuing in addiction, you do know what to do
recover
good luck with it and remember the path is well trodden but you need to do more than follow it

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

At first, your reply really pissed me off. Then I realized my anger didn't make any sense, so it must be a product of defensiveness... When I tried reviewing my values I realized just how dishonest I had been about certain things. I let my fears keep me from writing down what I truly want. So thank you for the input.

My top 15 values, version 2.0!
Accepting responsibility for my life
Patience
Dedication
Resourcefulness
Creative self-expression
Self-confidence
Taking care of myself
Physical health
Sexual intimacy
Intellectual growth
Tolerance
Coping with conflicts
Improving my social interactions
Strengthening my role as a sister to my siblings
Being a leader

Lesson 6 Exercises:

Physical health
• Brush my teeth every morning, even if I don't have to go anywhere.
• Double my morning yoga session.
• Jog 3 times a week.
• Eat more protein.
• No more than 3 cups of coffee every day.
• Schedule a doctor's appointment when I need one.

Taking care of myself
• Notice when I'm having victim thoughts and listen to a song that'll snap me out of it.
• Make a list of tasks that scare me so I don't have to keep them in my head.
• If external factors prevent going to bed on time, honestly estimate how much time I really need (and deserve!) to sleep.
• Schedule time for cat-petting in the morning.
• Always shower in the evening so I don't have to do it in the morning.
• Get rid of one thing every day.
• Not let laundry overflow.
• Go through my closet and get rid of clothes that I'm never going to wear.
• Hang out with friends at least once a week.
• Lunch/dinner with grandma every once in a while.
• Weekly Artist Date.
• Drawing Time with mom every weekend.
• Take the long way around the engineering building at night whenever I can.
• Leave my house 25 minutes before I'm supposed to get on the train so that I have time to enjoy the walk instead of running to make it on time.
• Keep scheduling dance breaks throughout my day.
• Keep devoting time to RecoveryNation lessons every day.
• Take a sandwich to school on long days.
• Make my own grocery shopping list and check it weekly for things I want.
• Make comfort food more often.
• Restock on spices.

hi ACD



good awareness, great honesty

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Lesson 10 Exercises:

IV. Places where I have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior:

220 pictures in a folder on my computer.
20 links on My Favorites to fanfiction/porn websites

V. People that I use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object:

Characters from a TV show that will not be named: read fanfiction about them, look at pictures, rewatch episode clips, fantasize.
Imaginary women: fantasize.

VI. Places where I act out my sexually/romantically compulsive behavior:

Internet: surf for fanfiction, pictures, videos, read people's discussions about the characters/fic.
Pretty much everywhere: fantasizing.

Lesson 12 Exercise: Patterns that I currently recognize in myself in relation to an unhealthy recovery:

I think this is what I did when I first started recovery:
"The first group propels themselves through the first several weeks of the workshop on pure hope and enthusiasm" "Why do people in this group usually leave? ...they felt panic at the thought of truly ending their addictions..." "Though they are sincere about wanting to recover, they keep the workshop separate from their "addictive identities"...in that, they intellectually try to understand what they are learning...and physically try to apply it to their lives, but only in appearance...not in substance."
However, when I returned to the workshop, I wasn't motivated by that initial enthusiasm anymore. Lately I've been trying to honestly examine my life, my values and my choices.
"They go the extra mile to ask questions, or to return to previous exercises and update them" - I've done this recently. This is encouraging...
"At some point, an epiphany occurs, and they realize that it is not the workshop that is changing them, but their own decisions and actions."
While I have yet to take responsibility over everything (somehow I doubt this happens all at once...), I think I already understand that it's up to me. I think I might even be enjoying the fact that I've found a program that asks me the right questions instead of giving me answers (ones that may or may not be right for me, but either way being spoon-fed doesn't encourage growth). The exercises scare me sometimes, but not so much that I'm paralyzed with fear. I've been seeing subtle changes in how I handle small challenges in different areas of my life. I think sticking to this program even when I'm scared is slowly teaching me to cope with fear without panicking completely.

Those Who Will Continue to Struggle With Relapse:
"They actively prepare their environment for successful acting out by: setting a preliminary foundation for excuses/alibis; seeking out times/situations where they will be unaccountable to anyone but themselves"
I've done this a lot and I think I still do. Very bad idea. Goes hand in hand with evaluating the risk/reward of everything...
"They believe that they have suffered so many consequences from their compulsive behavior, that it will be impossible for them to reach their lifetime goals"
I have to be careful with this. I have a tendency to wallow in thoughts like "I've wasted too much time, I'll never be as good as I want to be at this or that" while comparing myself to other people in my age group. Which is bullshit because I'm 24 and I have my whole life ahead of me. It also makes me impatient, because if I've wasted so much time already, then I need to see results NOW. That’s also very harmful, as it makes me quit whatever I'm trying to do if my desire for instant results isn't fulfilled.
"They are inflexible in re-evaluating their lifetime goals (e.g. "Since I have failed so far at being a professional actor, athlete, writer, etc., I can't be successful at anything." "Since I cannot be around to raise my children, I will always remain unfulfilled as a parent.")"
This sounds like something I should keep in mind, even though I can't put my finger on any specific thoughts right now.
"They find comfort in being able to use "powerlessness" as an excuse"
I've been doing this my whole life. Using fake, real or exaggerated weaknesses as excuses. Whenever I’d feel shy, I'd pretend to be even shyer than I am to garner sympathy or so that people won’t expect me to interact with them. I've begun to see a shift in my thinking lately, and I'm looking for powerful role models. Depending on others while claiming to be powerless does not make me feel good about myself. And it completely prevents growth.
"Relapse triggers are seen as opportunities to act out." I've done this.
"They often attempt to "prove" their sincerity to others through... making promises, rather than through their actions." And this.
"They often experience selfish thoughts when caught acting out (e.g. ..."Why do I cause myself so much pain?")" I have these thoughts whether or not I'm acting out.
"Emotional experiences that are usually presented in their extreme." Every bad day is a really bad day... Every good day is a really good day...

Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle with Relapse:
"They tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior." I feel I should probably watch out for this, even if I can't put my finger on any examples right now.


I’m not sure I understand what these mean:
"They put out fires by refocusing on other areas of their life. When these areas involve compulsive behavior--their use of addiction to manage their lives continues."
"They tend to hyper analyze their actions, thoughts and feelings...and make the possibility of living a "normal" life all but impossible."
Can anyone explain, please?