Recovery Nation

* To be a man of faith, a gentle Christian-compassionate yet brave enough to challenge injustice and evil. To embrace joy, be generous financially and with my time and gifts. To be ever hopeful of the promises God has given us and to shine!
* To be a good father; supportive- both emotionally and financially to my children, to listen, teach and advise where appropriate and be prepared to be vulnerable and to change.
* As as husband I will be supportive, loving, understanding. To make sure I give time for her needs, to recognise she is my life partner and has made sacrifices for me and our children, that it is fine to have differences of opinion but to focus on what we have in common and diminish the differences.
* To live a healthy lifestyle and to bare illness with patience and humility while remaining hopeful and positive.
* To use my talents to serve my church and community
* To invest in my passion for the outdoors, sports, snowy walks, summers in France and to recognise I am a worthy partner for my wife.

welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
you say that you have been trying for recovery for the last 10 years, hence you need to ask how committed have you been? have you actually been protecting your addiction - just in case?

work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path
to make your thread easier to follow for you when you refer back and we to keep abreast of hit the reply key not the new topic

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
As in most cases your lifes vision needs work
it could include so much more than it does
it is very general and reflects little of you as an individual
Establishing a healthy vision for one's life is the single most important tool a person can develop in their recovery. That single vision--when backed by clarity--is capable of serving as both the beacon for change and, a means of contrasting what is healthy and what is a threat.
An ideal vision needs to be both general and specific, idealistic and practical. Very few are as we certainly are not in an ideal place, but most if not all can be dramatically improved, treat the vision as the first corner stone of your recovery, it is a work in progress so let it be so

looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Thank you Kenzo. I appeciated your comments. You are right, I think I have been protecting my addiction in case things get tough and I need it. I think this could be a reason why I have struggled to get going.

My values - both current and hoped for; Mostly good but some that lead me into trouble.

1. Being a man of faith
2. Faithful t my wife
3. Being brave about life situations
4. Being strong and dependable
5. Being generous of my time, money and energy
6. A loving husband, father, son and brother
7. Being a really good tennis player
8. A risk taker
9. Spontaneous
10. Playful at home
11. Embracing change and accepting adversity
12. Hospitable
13. Being respected at work by all or most.
14. Bringing Peace to others
15. Being inspirational at work
16. Becoming a better husband, father, son, brother
17. Producing quality at everything
18. Taking time to enjoy each day
19. Learning to appreciate simple things in life
20. Success for my business
21. being a good friend
22. Independent thinker
23. Making good choices
24. Forgiving others
25. Self-motivating
26. Self- discipline
27. Feelings of euphoria
28. Beig humble
29. Developing spirituality
30. Serving others intrinsically
31. Breaking the rules
32. Being naughty!
33. Challenger of the status quo
34. Loving being outdoors
35. Looking after myself and staying fit and healthy.
36. Embrace change
37. Having a go at something new
38. Having lots of future plans
39. Being resourceful.
40. Shopping with my wife
41. A trusted person
42. tollerant and understanding
43. To shock others from time to time
44. To be a better skier
45. Being competative
46. Being an active member of my church
47. Sexual intimacy
48. Being a better lover
49. Learning to meditate and to be a calmer person
50. Learn to be loved
51. To become a better teacher
52. Being passionate about my values.

Some of my values which have lead me towards my addiction;

1. Risk taking
2. Seeking euphoric high's
3. Needing to break the rules
4. Enjoying the feeling of being naughty
5. Wanting to be a better lover
6. Seeking sexual intimacy
7. Experimentation
8. Needing to be accepted
9. Needing to feel attractive and desirable by women

Being the best father I can be to my children
Being a good husband
Developing a simple but deep faith
Being generous with my time, money and energy
Bringing Peace and understanding to others
Self disciplined
Self motivated
Optimistic
Being brave about life's challenges
Being a good brother and son
Striving to be a good boss and to give of my best to my company

Hi Jonasw



just like your vision your values could do with a broadening
Your values are those principles in your life that you use to derive meaning and fulfillment. They form the foundation of your identity. If those values are consistent, your identity will reflect consistency. When reading your values I read idealistic concepts without any real practical value in helping you to manage your day-to-day life.
the majority your fulfillment should come from the top fifteen or so values on your list.
of course it is your recovery hence the values are yours and so is the life vision, but could you have included health and honesty, happiness and fun

coach boundless advises that new members focus with great depth on the first 7 or so lessons and this is great advice
if this helps use it if not trash it
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Recognise I need to think about making my ideal values a little more practically based in the day to day world.
1. Being the best father I can be to my children.
This means taking the time to take my kids to school, listening to how their day went, making sure we have fun as a family; making memories for them that are happy, such as days out, family meals; helping with homework, getting involved in their education and futures; being there to cheer them on at sports or drama events; be there when they need advice and to know when just a hug will do. Engage them in political conversation, seeking their opinions and helping them to have the courage to form their own. Provide financially, both now and as they prepare for college. Make sure they know they are loved, regardless of the life path they choose, never to sit in judgement but to listen, encourage and always seek the best for them.

2. Being a good husband.
Making sure I am 'present' in our relationship. Practically, making sure I do my fair share of the chores; listen to my wife and make a habit of asking about her day and genuinely caring about her response. To work as a team as we parent our children; to make time to have fun together, sometimes without the children; to discuss books, watch movies and take country walks together; to share our thoughts, even though this might be uncomfortable. To share when I am unhappy and discuss matters when we argue rather than sulk. Doing things that make her feel loved and wanted such as giving flowers, unexpected hugs, gifts or just a gentle word. To take time to plan our future together.

3.Developing a simple but deep faith
To pray and study on a daily basis even if only for a few minutes. To learn not to jugde others for their views but to seek to be a peace maker and be gentle in my dealings with others. To endorse the marks of a Christain and make them real in my life..'love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, self-contol. To volunteer at my local church and in the community in order to serve others, knowing that only in giving will I receive.

4. Being generous with my time, money and energy

To use my time wisely, it is precious and should not be wasted. less tv!!. To give money to charities as a gift and to be happy about it, to see it as an important gift.
I know that if I can give more energy to my family then it will pay dividends, so I will be positive about planning more time together.

5. Bringing Peace and understanding to others
To be understanding of my employee's, to listen more; to help those dealing with crisis; to live out my faith in all situations without being overbearing, just a practical, kind approach that others value.

6.Self-disciplined
Learning to do the right thing because it is natural and healthy. To reject my unhealthy patterns of behaviour and to do so with joy. Making healthy decisions will become a normal pattern of behaviour for me.

7. To be self-motivated.
Learning to rely on myself and my opinions and not seek the approval of others. To set clear goals both personally and at work. To recognise that I will listen to the opinions of others but I need to take greater responsibility for my actions, choices and decisions and not to blame past experiences but to see my future as bright and healthy.

8. Honesty, happiness and fun
To be open in all my dealings with others even if this makes me vulnerable; to take time to do things that make me happy as long as these activities fit with my values. To take time out to laugh, cook meals, go to a sports event with friends and plan great vacations...

Continuing with lesson 5 on values;

A)New Value to add to my life
1. Sports. I have always loved sports. Playing tennis, skiing, cricket; anything. When I play or run or walk I experience tremendous pleasure; problems are put on hold, I feel exhilarated, liberated and fulfilled; even if I lose or do not play very well. Playing sport and teaching others is a significant part of my move towards a healthy mind and I need to plant this as a practical value in my life. This means; joining a tennis club and playing at least weekly throughout the year. Teaching my son to play as he has just discovered this sport;
Booking a ski holiday for 2013, planning it and enjoy preparing and training for it.
2. Spirituality
Developing my spirituality. Practically, this means attending worship when I choose to and not out of duty or because of others expectation, reading books that will stretch my understanding; also recognising that I am far from perfect and that is OK. I will relax more about religion and feel comfortable in my own skin. Developing a link with the Franciscan Friary. I am fascinated by their way of life. Maybe I can learn what it is like to receive and give here. No more trying to fulfil others expectations about what I should believe or how I should practice. No longer bound by culture and religion but to live as a spiritually free man in every respect. Learning to be at peace with myself and the word. Practically being clear about what is ‘small stuff’ which is just about everything.
3. To work towards living simply.
Learning to place less importance on material aspects of my life. Simple things like saving water, generating my own electricity, using a wood heater, learning to live on less money and working to live debt free within 5 years
4. Being an optimist.
There is little point in being grumpy and down on life. Yes, the world can be a sad and miserable place but it can also be wonderful and exciting in spite of what is thrown at me. I choose to take the optimistic view, to look for good in others, to plan forward, to find the joy in situations, to smile and have fun and rejoice in the good that is to be found in adversity. Practically, that means starting everyday with a positive expectation of good things and ending the each day with a list of things to be thankful for.
4. Be brave about life’s challenges
Learn to accept that painful things happen in life and that is normal and can be expected. Learning to deal with personal illness and hearing loss. Also learning to accept my sisters illness. Again looking to take the positive outcomes from this adversity and accept the things I cannot change so there is little point being angry or sad or anxious for too long!
5.) Manage my finances well
While I have touched on money in a previous value I have now come to realise what an important value it is too me. I don’t mean having loads but using what I do have responsibly to maximum benefit. Practically, this means saving what I can. Usually £200 a month, using tax free saving allowance as well in order to plan for my kids to go to college. Also retirement plans both me and my wife. Big area of pressure here in my relationship as my wife is terrible with money and is always in debt. I have bailed her out but decided no more!
Lots of stress here for me and is the biggest point of anxiety in my marriage. This is a big value we don’t share. Learn to make it work by separate accounts but not ideal!

B) Options that I have made in my life.
1. Marriage. Given that I was only 25 when I decided to get married; things have worked out well. I wanted a woman who was independent, outgoing professional, pretty, sexy and shared my faith. If I met her again today, I would choose her again. Our relationship has it’s challenges and we do have have some different attitudes and values but at it’s core we remain best friends and know and accept all that is different.

2. Twice I have worked for over a year to save for an expensive holiday. Both times I would say it was not worth it. The expectations to love the holiday were too high and my plans did not fit with my value of being careful with money. Seeing that huge amount of cash disappear in two weeks left me unhappy and slightly resentful. I won’t do it again! Took away any joy.

3. Giving up my job to start my own company with a friend. Has worked out well and we have been successful and earn good money. The stress on my values is that that I have always worked for a low salary and felt a little ‘self-righteous’ about this. Now I have a big salary and drive a new car and feel guilty about this! I think this is more about having much materially, when others have very little; however the value in everyday life is learning to spend and give wisely. This is now a better fit for my values.
On reflection; if I had to make the same decision today- I would and am happy that it is in line with my values.

Lesson Six
Developing Proactive Action Plans
It is a challenge to choose something trivial. But have decided to choose my cat as an example. Duke is a seven year old tabby; rescued as a stray. He eats too much and I don’t particularly monitor his health well. My proactive action plan is to ensure I provide better care and so ensure his long-term health and to take my job as a cat owner more seriously.

1. Take out monthly insurance to cover him if he gets sick. I can afford this and it takes away any decision of whether to treat him or not.
2. Take him to the vet annually for a health check
3. Feed him more healthy food at set times so he gets into a pattern and so do I. This will be when I have breakfast and when I have dinner. Therefore, I will need to get in a regular supply of quality cat food.
4. Weigh him on the same day each week. This way I can check his progress to losing weight.
5. To make sure that I always treat him respectfully, recognising that he is an animal. This includes making a fuss of him when I come home from work and ensuring his basic needs (food, water, place to sleep, health) are met so that he does not suffer but leads a contented life.

OK, starting work on proactive action plans and will focus on this over the next week, starting today. These are not in any priority of order;

1. Sports Action Plan
Staying fit and healthy physically and improving fitness.

The purpose is to escape the stress of work, have fun, enjoy spending time with others in friendly social competition and to feel good about myself knowing I am caring for my body while I am able to do so. This will also boost my self-esteem and cause me to plan my time better.

• Join my local tennis club with my son who also plays
• Play at least 1 eve week socially in order to meet new people in a healthy setting.
• Play at least 1 session a week with my son
• Book some coaching
• Join an exercise class with my wife so that we can share this time together outside the home.
• Get fit for skiing by attending local slope on Tuesday eve’s
• Book Ski holiday for 2013 by end Oct
• Swim weekly, usually on a Friday am
• Cycle at least weekly.

2. Self-disciplined
I know what my rules for healthy and happy living are, so I need to make sure they are part of my weekly programme.

• Plan every day, especially when I will be on my own
• Review each evening what has been achieved and be glad
• Plan for the next day, even if a weekend.
• Remember that all time is precious!
• Look in the mirror each day and give myself 3 positive messages. Repeat each evening.
• List reasons to be thankful when I feel low.
• Learn to risk-assess situation that could make me vulnerable to temptation for example feeling stressed; at home alone for long periods; working away. Develop a plan for each of these situations to avoid emotional responses which if left too late will mean I do not make rational or healthy decisions.
• Reduce the amount of information I expose myself too. Stick to reliable trusted sources so I don’t overload. E.G only hearing news twice a day is fine; have some news free days
• Seek out true messages about the harm of porn; be clear and honest with myself about the truth of how damaging it is.
• Be honest with myself about my feelings, temptations, mental health and seek help from my wife, friends when I am feeling emotionally low.

Continuing the development of Proactive action planning
Being the best father I can be to my children.
This value is one of the most important values I hold and will continue to be important for the rest of my life. Enabling them to grow up in a loving, caring environment where they are valued as individuals, education and allowed to experience the world safely and with the skills to assess and manage risk, make informed choices and be free from repression of any kind. As far as possible they experience the world as a happy and positive place, created by God and aware of Christ’s life, death and resurrection. They may of course choose not to accept this view as they grow older. I will work to ensure they do not experience hardship or poverty but will not be shielded from how it can affect people in the world, including family and friends. They will value their health and wellbeing and value the health and wellbeing of others. I will be there as their guide and supporter as they grow older.
How will this be practically applied?
• I will invest monthly using my ISA, so they will having living expenses covered when they go to college/uni/other.
• I will encourage a strong work ethic from early teens onward, so they can earn their own income
• We will frequently talk about their dreams and ambitions at the dinner table etc
• I will be actively involved in their education; attending parent eve’s and school events/lectures etc
• Sunday afternoons will be a special time of walks, trips out etc as long as they wish to do this
• I will introduce them to healthy new experiences such as; Greenbelt Festival, new types of church, sports on holiday, family holidays in France, UK as well as US and Canada.
• I will encourage them to bring friends to visit at home and offer warm hospitality.
• I will encourage independence, not dependence in terms of finance, thoughts, opinions, argument and encourage them to develop their own value systems that may be very different to my own.
• To help them develop a strong self-esteem through praise, encouragement and self-belief
• To lead by example- my thoughts, words and actions

Use of the computer, phone, tv, internet and new technologies
To use these technologies respectfully and in ways that will promote my health and wellbeing and enhance the lives of others.
In practice this means;
• Plan my use before I engage so that I am visiting websites I know and trust or searching for very specific needs that are appropriate and healthy
• Ensure the current blocks and protection is in place as a back-up to keep me safe! Such as Google safe-search lock. Importantly, don’t rely on the blocks.
• Do not see ‘how far you can push the blockers before they break down’
• Avoid aimless surfing at all costs, even if I am feeling emotionally in control. It does not take much for temptation to kick-in and override rational thought processes.
• Work to reduce the amount of time spent on-line and work freehand too.
• Carry out a mental risk assessment every-time I go on-line. If I don’t feel healthy, stay away or use in a public area.
• Ensure all adult tv channels are blocked and keep the password at work so that I feel safe at home.
• Be especially aware that that long periods on my own are higher risk, especially if my wife is away or if I am working away.

Developing a deep but simple faith.
In many respects this value is the most important to me and drives all other values in my life; that does not mean to say I have not got a little lost or diverted at times from my main value. I do recognise that I am a flawed human being and this has lead me into unhealthy habits at times.
Reading and study.
I do well in this area so it is more about reaffirming the ideals and keeping them practical. Therefore I will work to ensure that 1 in 3 of my reading books is a book of faith. To ensure my reading list is wide and challenging while avoiding fundamentalist or narrow approaches to faith; in particular – Christianity.
Community
I will ensure that I fully participate in my Church Community by;
• Attending the monthly men’s group and fully contributing to debates etc
• Attend family services monthly with my family
• Attend other churches services monthly
• Be a regular visitor to the Coffee Shop
• Attend an annual festival such as Greenbelt, Keswick Convention or similar
• Continue to attend the Family Church Holiday
• Find time in my daily schedule for contemplation/prayer

Money and finance
Another very important value for me; I am not concerned with accumulation wealth but wish to manage and save where I can so that my family have some protection if a crisis arises, to save for college education or other when they reach 18;
Money has always been an area of stress in my relationship with my wife. It has often been in the dark and not talked about.
• Be honest with each other about savings, debts, fears, expectations
• Discuss and organise a monthly budget for essentials
• Review budget each week
• Stop and challenge if things go off-track
• Zero tolerance for over-spending unless we agree together
• Be prepared to be flexible about what is spent where and how
• Recognise we have different values about money due to upbringing.
• Recognise that we have to find a solid, reliable method of managing our money so that neither of us is stressed by lack of control.
• Plan for Christmas and holiday spending
• Be gentle with wife if she finds it hard to manage her spending.
To be a good husband.
We have been married for many years; we are good friends, share a faith and a similar sense of humour. We both enjoy bring up are children. It is a marriage of genuine partnership. We are both hard working professionals.
• I will ensure I spend time daily listening about her day
• We will find time to be together at least monthly
• I will share how I am feeling emotionally when and where necessary. I will not bottle things up, sulk and avoid confrontation
• I will seek confrontation if things need to be said and discussed
• I will seek to praise and complement her; and build her self-esteem, be gentle, forgiving and avoid being judgemental or critical. Will seek to understand more.
• I will demonstrate through my actions that I am a changed individual, that secretive behaviours are no more and that I can be relaxed and open about my life as I move towards better health.
I am sure there will be more to add; but it is a start for now.

Honesty, happiness and fun
• Learn to be very open about slips in my behaviours with my wife, even if this leads to short-term dis-harmony in our relationship.
• Accept that I am a flawed human being and this means sometimes I will make mistakes
• Learn to be honest with myself but to cease ‘beating myself up’ endlessly while knowing I am moving towards better health and healing with each passing day.
• Have fun with my kids. Laugh more often.
• Make Sunday afternoon a special time for family and make memories
• Embrace the seasons and celebrate the busyness and preparation
• Plan holidays well in advance and enjoy the prep
• Play tennis weekly. Sort out club membership this week!
• Ski next year. Book the trip!
• Go to the movies once a month.
• Plan and go food shopping weekly with my wife and then go out for coffee as a reward!

A view of others especially women
How I view others is important and therefore I am going to ensure this is a key value for me
• I see all people as children of God and therefore all are my brothers and sisters.
• I will seek to see good in all; to withhold my judgement and seek to serve them in small ways; through relationships at work and in my community
• I will only engage in activities that promote the health and wellbeing of all. In practice, this means recognising that activities such as viewing pornography are now unacceptable as this is de-grading, one dimensional and a lie. It causes suffering to performers and users alike. It has no place in my life
• Every individual is unique and special in their own right. I will challenge my desire to stereotype people based on my and society’s prejudice.
• Every woman is someone’s daughter, wife, sister, friend. They are not there to be my plaything or object of desire/fantasy.

1. I have always been very protective of my sexual habits and careful to avoid discovery. Porn stash includes viewing porn on the internet and viewing soft porn on tv. Magazines have been used in the past and then discarded as have video and DVD. Currently my home is ‘clean’ as are my DVD’s. My computer has been ‘clean for over a month. Romantic fantasy has also been part of my behaviour through women I might meet as part of work or in a public place. Overall, a determination in my behaviour to rid myself of any secretive behaviour and any behaviour or ritual that I would not want others to know about.

My cycle of sexual addiction. Tried to attach here but the system will not allow me. Any way it was quite an interesting exercise. Quite sobering. It has increased my understanding of how I act and particularly why I slip and fail. I know now that there will always be triggers. It is how I respond to those triggers that decides if the cycle continues. I can choose at that point if I let a fantasy run or not. Once the fantasy starts to form in my mind and I seek to make it concrete by viewing porn etc, then I am lost and do not have control until I come out of the trance.

Therefore I need to work on how I deal with the triggers and build up the healthy 'tissue' in that area of my life. Work on my values so that allowing triggers to become fantasies is completely unacceptable.

Patterns of unhealthy recovery include the following;

1. Focussing on counting days of abstinence and measuring success by the number of days achieved.
2. Spending time avoiding areas of my life that may result in triggers. If I take this to it’s ultimate conclusion I would be a recluse. It means that I can’t always relax when I am on a train or watching tv because I am worried that a situation might trigger a thought that might lead to fantasy and acting out behaviours.
3. Receiving conflicting messages by reading too widely. For example looking at SA methods of dealing with addiction; reading more extreme messages about sexuality such as ‘being gay is wrong’ God wants you to abstain from all sexual behaviour.; you are what you are because you are weak, a failure or because it is Satan tempting me...etc
I have recently become more relaxed about sexuality and what is acceptable and OK. For example’Being Gay is OK. Our sexuality is not fixed.

4. Staying up late and channel hopping, knowing that i might find some sexual content. I tell myself ‘this is OK because I have come across this accidentally. I know this now to be foolish and is dishonest with myself.

5. I have a strong set of values that do guide my life but I have been guilty of parking these values in order to act out! This makes me feel unhappy..

6. Allowing fantasies to develop which are not based on real life. The more ‘mini fantasies I have, the more chance I will act out.

7. Glancing top shelf magazines or even flicking through the pages. Again I suspend my values and lie to myself by pretending this is OK, it’s normal for a man but it does make me feel unhappy.

8. Telling myself I will never recover
9. My present period of not acting out and feeling happy will not last.
10. Always looking at 18 rated movies in shops rather than looking for a good movie. I get cross about this.
11. Giving myself negative messages such as; I wish I had been different or I am a bad husband and father.
12. Not being completely honest with myself about my habits. For example; only counting major relapses as
unhealthy rather than looking at the whole picture.