Recovery Nation

Lesson 1 Exercises:
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.
Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.
1) I believe that the only chance I have of fullfillment in life it to change and I am certain this program is the a way that I can do it. I am nervous about it, I am very scared I will fail and I have an empty feeling inside that I think comes from just” being”, that is not eating or fantasizing or acting out or reading ot drinking or watching television. I have been passively working on change for many many years and see that it isn’t enough just to want it and let somebody else do the work. I know the next stop is the abyss, I am cautiously optimistisc and even sometimes excited about living and thinking like “normal” people. I know there is no silver bullet, commitment and lots af work are the only way.
2) I believe I understand the insidious nature of additiction and that guilt and/or shame can be an escape from changing. I and will be vigilent in seeing it for what it is and work to overcome the temptation of the easy way out of the work.
3) I believe that I have to press on and consistently work at it but I am not in a hurry to finish. I am hoping that this process will become a journey to connect with myself and become the person I want to be and my wife and daughter deserve. Progress is important, completion can happen when it happens.
B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. List these in your recovery thread.
1) I want to feel things.
2) I want to know who I am.
3) I don’t want to be afraid of people anymore.
3) I want to be proud of who I am and how I behave.
4) I don’t want to live in a secret world.
5) I desperately want my daughter to grow up to be a healthy and happy person and I am afraid that, unless I change, I will not be able to model or teach her either attribute.
6) I want to be the person that my daughter thinks I am, I want to earn her respect, admiration and gratitiude.
7) I don’t want my daughter to feel like she has to watch out for me.
8) I have a wonderful wife and I want to be the type of person she deserve, a good person that honors her, prioritizes her needs over my own, takes care of her and makes her feel like the “beautiful” person she is for the rest of her life.
9) I want to pay my wife happy that she stuck with me and pay her back for all of her efforts to help me and start to make up for the heartbreaks she wemt through with me.
10) I want to have a healthy, happy and active sexual realtionship with my wife.
11) I want view woman as daughters, sisters and mothers and not as sexual objects.
12) I don’t want to be scared all the time.
13) I want to be comfortable with people, see them for sho they are inside evaluate them fairly and objectively without letting my insecurities and fears drive my conclusions or actions.
14) I want to be happy
15) I want to treat my family members without all the baggage from my childhood and insecurities.

C. One of the most powerful insights you can gain in establishing a foundation for permanent recovery is to come to see your addiction within the scope of your life span. In other words, to not just see your addiction as it is now, but to look across the span of your life to see the role that addiction has played in your development. Much of this will be explored throughout the workshop, but to put yourself in the right frame of mind to develop such a perception, do the following:

Find a picture of yourself when you were a small child. An innocent child. For those with early childhood sexual abuse issues, do not mistake this abuse for a lack of innocence. You were absolutely innocent. It will be hard to derive the full value from this exercise without an actual picture so if it is just a matter of needing to find one...wait. Wait until you have the picture in your hand. If such a picture does not exist, try envisioning a moment in your life when you were 3, 4...perhaps 5 years old--but only do this as a last resort. The power of this exercise rests in your ability to look into the eyes of your own innocence--something that is very hard to do through memory alone.

Now, with the picture in hand, look into that child's eyes. Feel their innocence. Acknowledge that this child is you at a point in your life. Feel how vulnerable you were. How trusting. Recognize the lack of addiction in your life...and the desire for little more than love, compassion, teaching and support. Think of the trauma you faced throughout your life. Think of the times when you felt alone. Confused.If you feel like it, cry for this child. Allow yourself to feel love for this child. Do whatever you must to emotionally connect with this child because it is for this child that you are now reclaiming your life. It is this child who lost their way and you are the one now showing the courage to guide this child, who is you, back to health.

If you would like, share your experience with this last exercise in your thread.

I am looking at a couple of pictures of me when I was very young, one at age three with two of my brothers all of us in the same outfit sitting on the coffee table I recall as being in our living room, the other a school picture right after I grew in my two new front teeth. We/I look okay in the first, certainly I was still innocent then, and am smiling in the second one. As I stare at the pictures, I am starting to feel very hot,sweaty and naucious, not sure if it because of the pic’s or something else.
I feel ashamed and guilty, I was a happy kid and was born with many gifts…health, two parents, brothers, food on the table, a good brain, cute…yet I grew to live a secret, self protective, make believe world where I self soothed every chance I had. I lured people deep into my life with the appearance of being normal and happy only to turn my emotional and/or sexual back on them as soon as they got close enough to possibly see what is really inside. Again and again I did the same think somehow believing it would be different but it never was.
I have burned up many years and, in some case, other’s last chances at happiness by my careless, self centered and futile attempts to have a real relationship. I kidded myself, deceived others and I let the little boy in the pictures down every step of the way. And here I am almost sixty years old and still hiding inside myself.
I am struggling to do this exercise, I keep thinking about how lousy a person I have been and can’t seem to concentrate on the innocent I once was. I have a wonderful life…a loving and giving wife I have hurt terribly, a beautiful, sweet, loving adorable daughter that worships me, a beautiful home, a great job, money in the bank and my family and I are healthy…how can I possibly need to self soothe, why am I always tripped up by hiding inside rather than opening up once and for all. I want to feel but I just can’t seem to.
I was an innocent little kid just like my daughter is, maybe I should think about myself as a little kid like I think about my daughter. I always worry about whether my daughter will grow to be a happy, secure, well adjusted and fulfilled person and I feel scared and worried whenever I think that something could happen to my wife and I and my daughter would be alone in the world without us. I always feel that nobody but nobody could do as good a job loving and comforting and nurturing my daughter than my wife and I and sometimes I literally shudder when these thoughts occur. When I was little, my biggest fear was that my parent s would die or otherwise disappear and I would get sick to my stomach (sounds like how I feel now) and also how I feel about my daughter.

I also feel like I would be embarrassed and ashamed if I met the little kid in the pictures, like I didn’t do enough to make his life what it could be and, knowing what he is headed for in life, it makes me want to cry

Lesson 2.

A Life Vision

The highest priority in my life is to be a good husband and father/stepfather.

-I want to be a real husband and partner, to become emotionally connected at the very deepest level, to share intimacy open and often, to make my wife feel wanted, loved, honored, defended, protected, appreciated, beautiful and sexually fulfilled, to become a mature husband and support my wife in her interactions with and the raising of our daughter, I want my wife to be happy that she is married to me again. I want my wife to feel like I am absolutely devoted to her, that her happiness is more important as, and integral to, my own.

-I want to be a good and responsible father, I want to behave in the way that is in the best long term interest of her rather than what will make her like me – my daughter’s not my friend, she is a young person that I am responsible for and I need to have the maturity, discipline and patience to do what will make her the best, most secure and fulfilled she can be even if it means I don’t get everything I want . I want my daughter to look back when I am gone and feel that I was devoted to her and helped her see how a good life should be lived.

-I want to be a good stepfather and make the emotional and time commitments to make a contribution to their lives (so long as I think they want it or will accept it) I especially want to be the father that my stepdaughter feels she never really experienced.

I want to learn how to be a good friend and to have real friends.

-I want to drop my defenses, be willing to take some risks and develop friendships based on mutual respect, interests, enjoyment of each other’s company and commitment to service the friendship as required for it to grow.

I would like to be a respectful and compassionate family member to my father, step mother and brothers.

-I want to drop the baggage, develop minimum standards of demonstrating a mutual commitment to each other and be available to be a friend and resource for my brothers. I want them to feel that I am honest, consistent, caring, non-judgmental, mature, fair and open. If that doesn’t appeal to them, so be it.

I want to be physically fit so that my life will be as long as it should be.

I want to be finacially responsible.

I want to be a conscientious, hard working, loyal, open, courageous and POSITIVE employee.

-I want to be a positive force for my company, one that works hard and tries his best and uses his intelligence to make things happen rather than complain about why they don’t happen, a person that people like to work with and makes others feel respected, valued and appreciated.

-I want people to look back on my contribution as being overwhelmingly positive.

I want to give something back to the community, something that really costs me something.
I don’t know what it will be or should be but I would like to think I devoted some portion of my time, money, intelligence, elbow grease or something that is a real sacrifice for the good of others.

Lesson 3 Exercises:
A. Note: In the previous lesson, you were asked to write out your vision for the life that you want to live. If you have not yet completed this task, do so now, before beginning this exercise.



B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have created and list them. Your goal for this lesson is to create a single, comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to derive stimulation from. Most lists will contain between 50-100 items. When you are done, post this list in your recovery thread.



If you feel you need some guidance as to what you are looking for, or for examples of how to list each item, see the example values list.

1. Be devoted to my wife
2. Be devoted to my daughter
3. Being open with people
4. Talk to my family members regulary
5. Be kind to my family members
6. Pursuade with posaitive arguments
7. Culivating real friendships
8. Doing things with the guys
9. Live with integrity
10. Be totally honest and open with my wife
11. Develop heqalthy sexual relationship with my wife
12. View woman as people not sex objects
13. Carve birds
14. Make bread
15. Enjoy work
16. Assert myself at work positively
17. Make every interaction a positive one
18. Always be positive
19. Exercise regularly
20. Push myself emotionally, physically and sexually
21. Be in touch with my feelings
22. Always listen to and honor the voice inside me
23. Be a role model for my daughter
24. Take care of my wife and daughter
25. Take risks
26. Be brave
27. Be compassionate
28. Share my bounty with those in need
29. Act, act, act
30. Live in today
31. Honor my family members
32. Require my family members to honor me (nicely)
33. Make everyone I talk to happier than they were before
34. Read
35. Minimize meaningless TV
36. Eat healthfully
37. Spend time thinking about nothing
38. Spend alone time with my wife
39. Spend alone time with my daughter
40. Let me friends know I care about them
41. Write more letters
42. Surprise my wife regularly
43. Forgive myself
44. Listen, listen, listen
45. Be grateful for and happy with all of my gifts
46. Be kind
47. Always do what I say I will do
48. Never give up on things that matter
49. Take the long view
50. Be prepared
51. Always be there when I say I will
52. Relax without
53. Spend time outdoors
54. Look for adventure
55. Pursue interests
56. Be passionate about everything
57. Forgive my father
58. Call my father regulary
59. Remember my mother
60. Call my stepchildren regularly
61. Try to be a stepfather as well as a friend
62. Be a good step grandfather
63. Work hard at the office
64. Go boating
65. Visit Centerport
66. Be empathetic
67. Always put myself in others shoes
68. Don’t fantasize about sex
69. Tell my wife how wonderful she is every day
70. Eat only when I am hungry
71. Humility
72. Always have a sense of humor
73. Financial responsibility
74. Buy gifts that count
75. Make others happy, feel good
76. Be happy
77. Get enough sleep
78. Wake up early
79. Try to be creative
80. Always be helpful
81. Think then act
82. Maximize personal contact over emails
83. Honesty
84. Responsibility
85. Remember important things
86. Wisdom
87. Respourcefulness
88. Originality

Hi Bluebird
and welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid and generally about you
however one or two of them could be more positive if slightly re worded
positive reasons so much stand the test of time and pressure better than negatives

could be I want to live a life without fearing people



could be I want to live in an open world, I will be honest and transparent in my thoughts and actions

just a thought
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Kenzo, Thanks for the feedback, being positive is not natural or easy for me but i understanbd why it matters...I want to be a positive person! How was that?

3)2 Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and list them as well.

answers to Lesson 3)2
1. feeling good is being good
2. avoidance of pain is a positive
3. don't take risks, ever
4. there is only downside to being exposed
5. people can hurt you or abandon you
6. when people are angry, I feel like I have done somehting wrong
7. self soothing get me thru
8. there is no pain during sleep
9. being alone is safe
10. reality is painful
11. people will not like me if they really knew me
12. I don't like me
13. I am ashamed & embarrased by my family of orogin
14. I am ashamed of myself and the way I have lived
15. I have hurt the people i love the most
16. the more important it is to be honest, the less likely that i will be
17. I find it unbearably painful and uncomfortable to be in trouble
18. I value being "high" over being real
19. I cannot just think
20. I cannot tell what I am feeling
21. dishonesty
22. i am weak
23. i would rather be liked than respected
24. i have trouble accepting responsibility for my actions
25. I lack integrity
26. i view woman as sex objects
27. i am petrified of intimacy
28. I cannot cry
29. I cannot concentrate on anything involving self reflection

Lesson 4 Exercises:
A. In the previous exercise, you identified a list of the majority of your practical and universal values. Now, prioritize this list. This should take you about fifteen minutes at the most. If it is taking you longer than that, you are thinking too deeply. The deep thought was in constructing your vision and extracting the values...this is the 'easy part'. Simply identify an initial order of prioritization that 'feels right' to you.

Live with integrity
Be devoted to my immediate family, tell them how wonderful they are every day, take care of my wife and daughter
Develop healthy sexual relationship with my wife.
Be totally honest and open with my wife
Be a role model for my daughter
Always be positive
Exercise regularly
Always listen to and honor the voice inside me
Be in touch with my feelings
Humility
Honor my family members
Eat healthfully and only when I am hungry
Culivating real friendships, let my friends know I care about them
Listen, listen, listen
Be kind
Be empathetic
Push myself emotionally, physically and sexually
Think then act
Be kind to my family members
Forgive my father, call him regulary
Be a good step grandfather, call my stepchildren regularly
Take risks, be brave, be compassionate
Carve birds, make bread
Enjoy work, work hard at the office, assert myself at work positively, be prepared
Share my bounty with those in need

Beyond the top ones
Always do what I say I will do
Spend alone time with my wife
Surprise my wife regularly
Spend alone time with my daughter
View woman as people not sex objects
Require my family members to honor me (nicely)
Talk to my family members regulary
Remember my mother, visit Centerport
Be grateful for and happy with all of my gifts
Being open with people
Pursuade with posiitive arguments
Make every interaction a positive one.
Act, act, act
Be passionate about everything
Make everyone I talk to happier than they were before
Doing things with the guys
Read, minimize meaningless TV
Forgive myself

Take a snapshot of where these values lay in terms of helping you to achieve your vision. DO NOT worry if a particular value is a few items above or below another (for instance, don't worry about choosing between 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Son' and 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Daughter'). You should be looking for a general sense of prioritization--not an exact representation. Remember that values change. Priorities change. And so, to try to imagine all possible situations for which prioritization may apply would paralyze you. So don't. Think only in the current moment--and in relation to what you believe would be the most direct path to building that vision in your day-to-day life.

Lesson 5 Exercises:

A. In previous exercises, you identified and prioritized a list of your personal values. This list should represent those aspects of your life that you want to use to define who you are and how you will be managing your life. Take a moment to look over that list with a fresh view. As you read through it, ask yourself, "Does this reflect the person that I am committing myself to becoming?" If so, continue on; if not, add those missing values that are congruent with the life that you want to lead and remove those values which are not.

B. Consider two or three major decisions that you have made in your life (i.e. marriage, career, getting a dog, etc.). Examine the values involved in the decision-making process that went into your options. Consider having to make those decisions today. Does your current prioritized values list reflect the choices that you would make? If so, then you have done a good job of creating a practical values list.[b] If not, then you may still be leaning [/b]more towards 'idealistic values' than practical ones. You want...no, you NEED this list to function on a practical level. Continue refining it until it does.

Visit often and then move to current home/location - I would not do this today. I was thinking of what the move meant to me and was suppressing the issues and concerns raised by my wife. She was depressed after our daughter was born and I pushed the frequest visits and ultimately the move because it made me happy. I am very sorry about what I did and would happily undo it if I could.

Talking to my wife about my SA issues, before I was discovered and afterwards - I would behave differently going forward - I want to be open and honest and behave in the exact opposite of the way I did before I was discovered...the more I feel bad about myself, my thoughts, behavior, eating issues and other struggles, the more I would want to talk about it...no more secrets.

Discussions and behavior at work - I want to be positive and approach everything with the glass half full rather than half empty and don't personalize anything, everybody is trying their best and should be honored for doing it.

C. Finally, examine the list one more time for its realism. Do this by briefly grasping each value and thinking about the role that it would play in your day-to-day life. This does not mean that you must use the particular value on a daily basis, only that it can serve as a realistic, functional part of the identity that you are building. For instance, if I choose 'spirituality' as a top priority for myself, but in reality I am only listing that value out of fear and/or social acceptance...then my list is not real. It is not practical. On the other hand, if I list 'Strengthening my relationship with my brother'--whom I have not had any contact with in twenty years and with whom I would like to rebuild a connection with...then that is practical. Also, remember to examine the values that are not necessarily socially accepted/idealized. This is critical. If you build a life based on what others expect from you, you will fail in your transition. If you build a life based on a mastery of what it is you truly value, then you will succeed. So examine values such as 'sexual gratification', 'being sexually adventurous', 'feeling sexually desired', 'being promiscuous', etc. If these are important to you, then prioritize them within your list. Leave them out because they don't 'sound right' and you are dooming yourself to that dual-identity that pervades sexual addiction.

D. Take the top fifteen values that you have currently listed and post them in your Recovery Thread. To be successful in recovery, you will need to learn to derive about 75% of your life's meaning and fulfillment from these values across any given week or so. It is okay if you are not currently doing this, because that is what the following two lessons are for: to help you develop this ability over the coming months.

Live with integrity
Live and act with kindness/empathy and from a positive view, don't let insecurities drive behavior
Be devoted to my wife and daughter, honor and take care of them and tell them how wonderful they are every day
Always listen to and honor the voice inside me, be in touch with my feelings
Develop healthy sexual relationship with my wife.
Be a role model for my daughter
Be a good step father and grandfather, call my stepchildren regularly
Push myself emotionally, physically and sexually, take risks
Eat healthfully and when I am hungry and exercise regularly
Culivating real friendships, let my friends know I care about them
Listen, listen, think, think and then act
Honor and be kind to my biological family members, forgive my father
Enjoy work, work hard at the office, assert myself at work positively, be prepared
Carve birds, make bread
Have down time

Lesson 6 Exercise:
Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening your relationship with your wife" is complex. "Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog" (probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these plans into your recovery thread.
Note that your goal here is not to map out perfection. You only need to map out the next few steps in the developmental process of strengthening and/or maintaining this value (if it is already at full strength).
Live with integrity
Live and act with kindness/empathy and from a positive view, don't let insecurities drive behavior
Be devoted to my wife and daughter, honor and take care of them and tell them how wonderful they are every day

Always listen to and honor the voice inside me, be in touch with my feelings
• Keep my mind open for the voice
• When the voice is speaking to me, immediately stop what I am doing and listen
• Think about what the voice has said relative to my Prioritized Values
• Don’t ignore the message, recognize that no change in behavior is not being true to PV’s
• Do the right thing
• If I don’t listen sometimes, don’t give up…start over

Develop healthy sexual relationship with my wife.

Be a role model for my daughter
• Aways remember that my daughter needs strong parents more than another buddy or friend
• My primary parenting job is to train my daughter to be tehbest person she can be
• Think about my behaviors as examples of how I would like my daughter top behave, if it would bother me for her to do something, don’t ever do it
• Do not use any language that I would not be happy if she used it
• Always address my daughter respectfully and in a calm and quiet voice
• Do not act frustrated or annoyed even if I am
• Demonstrate a loving realtionship to my daughter by acting in a loving and supportive way towards her mother
• Demonstrate assertiveness and valuing oneself and loved ones by acting that way at all times
• Make sure my behavior supports how much I love and value my daughter
• Always, always, always show my daughter how important it is to be good to ones you love (always tuck my daughter in at night no matter how late it is)
• Forgive myself if I mess up…apologize and start over


Be a good stepfather and grandfather, call my stepchildren regularly
Push myself emotionally, physically and sexually, take risks

Eat healthfully and when I am hungry and exercise regularly
• Only eat when I am hungry, not when I am restless, bored, stressed or depressed
• Allow only two hors’ derves a dinner…that’s it
• Split each dish before I start eating and leave on part unconsumed
• Never have dessert at a business dinner
• Plan for unhealthy food intake, like a business dinner, earn the food by moderating before rather than after the situation
• Keep track of unhealthy or fattening food intake and moderate, restrict it to once every few days
• Weigh myself every day no matter what
• Tell my wife how much I weigh every day
• Exercise at least five times a week, at least three walk/runs and two weight workouts
• Exercise at least one day each weekend
• If I screw up…start over right away


Culivating real friendships, let my friends know I care about them
Listen, listen, think, think and then act

Honor and be kind to my biological family members, forgive my father
• Always be kind and supportive of my family members, if I can’t be nice, don’t interact with them
• Call them regularly, at least once a month except my dad, call him once a week
• Tell them I am happy to be talking to them, tell them I love/care about them
• Call them on their birthdays
• Call Harry and Peter
• Don’t judge then or behave negatively towards them because of how I feel about myself
• If I screw up…start over right away



Enjoy work, work hard at the office, assert myself at work positively, be prepared
Carve birds, make bread
Have down time

Lesson 7 Exercise:
A. Take the next week (start today) to develop initial action plans for the remaining 'top priority' values. It is essential that you develop plans for at least the top ten, but if you can reach fifteen...wonderful. These plans will be used to form the basis of your health monitoring system (which you will begin at the end of next week). Post these plans in your Recovery Thread.

Do NOT allow yourself to become overwhelmed with this task. Each action plan should probably take you between five and fifteen minutes. Some of the most complex (like those pertaining to partnership) may take you up to thirty minutes. What you share in these plans will not be used all at once--so don't worry about what you 'can and can't do'. Focus instead on what you think needs to be done.

Over the next week of lessons, you will be switching your focus to other areas of recovery. These lessons will be important (especially if you are in a relationship), but not critical to your recovery. This is by design. If it takes you a week to complete all of your proactive action plans, so be it. The goal is to have them done by the time you get to the Health Monitoring I lesson. But, to work simultaneously on other lessons as you go...not to put your efforts on hold until they are done.


Live with integrity
• Always be honest, even if it hurts, and be absolutely honest with my wife
• Be open with loved ones, don’t conceal feelings or thoughts
• Think about and do what Jesus would do
• Never blame others for my issues or mistakes
• Think about what I say that I will do… and then make sure I do it


Live and act with kindness/empathy and from a positive view, don't let insecurities drive behavior
• Think about and do what Jesus would do
• Always try and be positive, think about and take action from a positive perspectiv
• Always think about what the other person is feeling or thinking before acting
• Stop and think…and say it positively
• Don’t say mean things about others or make fun of people
• Don’t talk behind people’s backs
• Don’t get laughts at other’s expense
• Never blame others for my issues or mistakes or feelings
• Treat other people as if they are honest
• Ignore the insecurities, override them
• Never speak with anger, even if you are angry

Be devoted to my wife and daughter, honor and take care of them
•Make them my top priority over everything
•Protect them from unfairness, hurt & pain no matter how uncomfortable it makes me
•Honor them by being a good husband and father
•Think about how they are feeling
•Ask them if there is anything they would like me to do differently
•Make it a point to share my feelings openly with them at least once a week
•Tell them how wonderful they are every day
•Tell them how lucky I am to have them every day
•Treat them like they are wonderful and I am lucky
•Always act on what’s good for them


Always listen to and honor the voice inside me, be in touch with my feelings
• Keep my mind open for the voice
• When the voice is speaking to me, immediately stop what I am doing and listen
• Think about what the voice has said relative to my Prioritized Values
• Don’t ignore the message, recognize that no change in behavior is not being true to PV’s
• Do the right thing
• If I don’t listen sometimes, don’t give up…start over

Develop healthy sexual relationship with my wife
•Do not be afraid of her
•Think about the pleasure, not the risks
•Tell her how I feel
•Always tell her if I am struggling to be “there”
•If we go w/o sex for a weekm, say something about it
•Talk, share my feelings and wishes
•Always consider how my preferences may reflect on my addiction

Be a role model for my daughter
• Aways remember that my daughter needs strong parents more than another buddy or friend
• My primary parenting job is to train my daughter to be tehbest person she can be
• Think about my behaviors as examples of how I would like my daughter top behave, if it would bother me for her to do something, don’t ever do it
• Do not use any language that I would not be happy if she used it
• Always address my daughter respectfully and in a calm and quiet voice
• Do not act frustrated or annoyed even if I am
• Demonstrate a loving realtionship to my daughter by acting in a loving and supportive way towards her mother
• Demonstrate assertiveness and valuing oneself and loved ones by acting that way at all times
• Make sure my behavior supports how much I love and value my daughter
• Always, always, always show my daughter how important it is to be good to ones you love (always tuck my daughter in at night no matter how late it is)
• Forgive myself if I mess up…apologize and start over


Be a good stepfather and grandfather, call my stepchildren regularly
•Give them all that they give me or want and then some
•Ask them about how they are feeling about things, people events etc.
•Don’t get nervous and rush to get off the phone
•Always call on their bdays, not after them
•Aways remember that they needs strong parents/grandparents more than another friend
•Think about my behaviors as examples of how I would like them to behave - if it would bother me for them to do something, don’t ever do it
•Make sure my behavior supports how much I love and value them
-Do not use any language that I would not be happy if they used it
-Forgive myself if I mess up…apologize and start over


Push myself emotionally, physically and sexually, take risks
•Don’t act from fear, think positively and don’t dwell on potential failure
•Consciously push myself emotionally and physically at least once every day
•Make that phone call I am afraid to make, don’t assume that people will be unhappy to hear from me
•Set physical goals, exercise so it always feels hard
•Whenever I am afraid to say something, say it
•Whenever I want to touch my wife, act on it
•Make/improve one new personal and business relationship a week
•If I fail, don’t give up, figure out what happened and try again



Eat healthfully and when I am hungry and exercise regularly
• Only eat when I am hungry, not when I am restless, bored, stressed or depressed
• Allow only two hors’ derves a dinner…that’s it
• Split each dish before I start eating and leave one part unconsumed
• Never have dessert at a business dinner
• Plan for unhealthy food intake, like a business dinner, earn the food by moderating before rather than after the situation
• Keep track of unhealthy or fattening food intake and moderate, restrict it to once every few days
• Weigh myself every day no matter what
• Tell my wife how much I weigh every day
• Exercise at least five times a week, at least three walk/runs and two weight workouts
• Exercise at least one day each weekend
• If I screw up…start over right away


Culivating real friendships, let my friends know I care about them
•Think long and hard about who my friends are
•Call or see my friends at least twice a month
•Tell my friends that I value their friendship
•Ask them how they are really doing
•Don’t be uncomfortable with silence
•Share my feelings openly and often

Listen, listen, think, think and then act
•Listen to people, let them finish and then some before talking or responding
•Take my time in figuring out what others are saying
•Ask questions in a nice way to be sure I undertand what people are saying
•Think about things before acting, it’s okay to take my time
•Don’t feel the need to respond immediately
•I will learn more listening than talking
•Don’t talk just because I am anxious
•If I screw up…start over right away


Honor and be kind to my biological family members, forgive my father
• Always be kind and supportive of my family members, if I can’t be nice, don’t interact with them
• Call them regularly, at least once a month except my dad, call him once a week
• Tell them I am happy to be talking to them, tell them I love/care about them
• Call them on their birthdays
• Call Harry and Peter
• Don’t judge then or behave negatively towards them because of how I feel about myself
• If I screw up…start over right away

Enjoy work, work hard at the office, assert myself at work positively, be prepared
•Put in a full days work every day
•Prioritize the work I like the least, the other stuff can be the reward
•Think about the next question, be proactive, ask the questions K would ask
•Always be positive, and even tempered, even when there is a problem
•Always be prepared, better over-prepared than under-prepared
•If I screwup, learn from it and start over

Read good books make good bread and start carving birds
•Make time for creative/intellectual hobbies
•Do it, learn it, do it better
•Strat slow with t hebirds, a simple project w/ minimal start up required
•Spend at least two days a month pursuing bread making and carving
•Read for stimulation, not to hide
•Do it with others and share the outputs with real friends

Have down time
• Always make time for relaxation, its important to recharge
• Don’t feel the need to fill up time with activities
• Spend time on hobbies
• Think, feel, visit, chat
• Try yoga/meditation

Lesson 10 Exercises:
I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean. No need to do anything about these thoughts...just have an awareness of them.

II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them in certain areas. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are willing to jeopardize the future of that relationship by maintaining the deception; AND, admit to yourself that you are intentionally sabotaging your own healthy foundation by allowing such a huge crack to remain. –I choose to be absolutely honest and live the values I have identified but I am scared to death about it.

III. If you are involved in professional coaching (or outside counseling), choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving those whom you are working with. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are not fully commited to ending your addiction. Acknowledge that you are choosing to 'go through the motions', rather than actively pursue real change. –I choose to be absolutely honest and live the values I have identified but I am scared to death.

IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread. If you are uncomfortable sharing this in the forum, email or PM the list to me directly. None, my addictions are fantasy, objectification and masturbation to fantasy, pictures or movies.

V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.

• Women I see in public – objectify
• Women in movies and on television - objectify
• Women I work with – objectify and fantasize about (and used to masturbate to fantasies involving them
• Women I know well that like me - used to masturbate to fantasies involving them
• A young woman I know - objectify and (and used to masturbate to fantasies involving her)
• Woman service providers/vendors – I enjoy their attention
• My step-mother – I used to masturbate to fantasies involving her
• Windows with no curtains, especially bathrooms – I think about whether I might see a woman naked in there but I have never peeked in a window
• Men that I know are homosexuals - I used to masturbate to fantasies involving them
• Looking down woman’s blouses or looking at them when they bend over and expose their breasts

VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.

Objectfication - anywhere in public where woman are present
Car - I used to masturbate to fantasy there
Hotel rooms - I used to masturbate to fantasy, movies, television and, a long time ago, pornography there
In my home, the den or my bed - I used to masturbate to fantasy, movies and television there
Adult movie booths - I used to masturbate to pornography there a long time ago
Internet - I used to masterbate to pornography on the internet
IPad - I have masturbated to Utube videos of drunk girls on the IPad

Lesson 12 Exercise:
I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to an unhealthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.

Patterns that I recognize in myself will be in italics and additions in bold

Those Who Will Continue to Struggle With Relapse
General Behavioral Pattern: Individuals who attempt recovery yet continue to struggle with significant patterns of relapse that may last for years at a time. Often it is an "on again/off again" recovery pattern, with the "on again" being triggered by their being caught engaging in unhealthy behavior.
Those who struggle with major relapse, tend to exhibit the following patterns:
They often feel forced into recovery (e.g. legal consequences, social expectations, treatment demands)
Their motivation for recovery comes from an attempt to appease others (e.g. to save a relationship; to deflect attention from the behaviors)
They minimize their behavior (e.g. "It's not how it seems"; "It's not that big of a deal.") I am trying not to do this anymore but it is a struggle
They actively prepare their environment for successful acting out by: setting a preliminary foundation for excuses/alibis; seeking out times/situations where they will be unaccountable to anyone but themselves; laying the foundation for the emotional manipulation of others who may pose a confrontational threat (e.g. their spouse), etc.
They believe that they are uniquely defective and/or damaged as human beings
They believe that they have suffered so many consequences from their compulsive behavior, that it will be impossible for them to reach their lifetime goals
They believe that what they are experiencing is their fate
They are inflexible in re-evaluating their lifetime goals (e.g. "Since I have failed so far at being a professional actor, athlete, writer, etc., I can't be successful at anything." "Since I cannot be around to raise my children, I will always remain unfulfilled as a parent.")
They suspect that they will never be able to overcome their urges, and so their goals are to establish the appearance of change, rather than to pursue actual change.
They find comfort in being able to use "powerlessness" as an excuse for continuing to engage in their behavior.
Relapse triggers are seen as opportunities to act out...w/ food only.
They often attempt to "prove" their sincerity to others through voicing dreams, sharing words and making promises, rather than through their actions.
They find comfort in knowing that they can play the "relapse card" should they ever be caught acting out
They [sometimes] often experience selfish thoughts when caught acting out (e.g. "Why didn't I see this coming?" "Why didn't I cover that up better?" "Why do I cause myself so much pain?")
They tend to be experienced by significant others across the entire emotional scale. Emotional experiences that are usually presented in their extreme. From shame and embarrassment...to aloofness...to placing them on the highest pedestal--the relationship tends to shift, again, in the extreme. Which stage is currently being experienced by others will be directly related to the person's ability to manipulate others, how many times they will have been caught in contradicting behavior, and how willing/able the significant other is to leave the relationship.

They tend to be experienced by significant others across the entire emotional scale. Emotional experiences that are usually presented in their extreme. From shame and embarrassment...to aloofness...to placing them on the highest pedestal--the relationship tends to shift, again, in the extreme. Which stage is currently being experienced by others will be directly related to the person's ability to manipulate others, how many times they will have been caught in contradicting behavior, and how willing/able the significant other is to leave the relationship.

Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle with Relapse
General Behavioral Pattern: Individuals who attempt recovery yet continue to struggle with occasional mild/moderate patterns of relapse. Quite often, it is the abstinence that can last for many years, with relapse coming in binges, rather than sustained patterns. Though it is also an "on again/off again" recovery pattern, the "on again" is most frequently triggered by their own guilt and shame for returning to the behaviors, rather than being caught engaging in such behavior.
Those who find relative success in recovery over the course of many, many years, tend to exhibit the following patterns:
They often jump from addiction to addiction especially food and sometimes alcohol, and are particularly susceptible to hyper-religiosity and hyper-recovery. They put out fires by refocusing on other areas of their life. When these areas involve compulsive behavior--their use of addiction to manage their lives continues.
They believe that they are suffering from a disease that is beyond their control, but not beyond all hope.
They believe that they are defective in the sense that their emotions, urges, impulses, etc. are experienced with much more intensity than "normal people” especially anxiety. And this puts them at a disadvantage for living a "normal life".
They tend to confuse addiction recovery with general mental health issues--creating a hypersensitivity to all of the emotions that they experience. Depression, anxiety, anger--they are all tightly related to "recovery" and an imbalance in one often leads to an imbalance in the other.
They perceive "powerlessness" not as absolute powerlessness over their life, but a limited powerlessness over their urges.
They often attempt to convince others of their recovery by offering their "new identity" as proof. Again, most often seen with hyper-religiosity and hyper-recovery situations.

Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction.
They tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior. I have done this in the past but am not doing it now
They tend to see life in episodes--with beginnings and endings--rather than as a process.
They consistently measure the success of their recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction, I used to do this but not nearly as much anymore

Hi Avians
some good work here, keep it up but also perhaps consider posting a little more regularly
I say it is not a race and it is better to do right than do fast but
practice makes perfect

A little feedback on your vision
This was a good start but remember it is only a start it should be a work in progress
you will refer to it later in the programme but it is useful to re visit regularly, use it to measure your progress and add to it as you go

Your vision is general and specific as it should be
it is quite broad and has several pillars of support
I see many aspects of life, family, friends, self, security, health, ambition, honesty, respect, love, charity, discipline and healthy sex with intimacy - well done

what I did not see was fun, I know that as we addicts come out from our addiction we leave our "fun" behind, but even as we suffer and miss the acting out, even as we fight with ourselves, we still deserve to have fun , healthy fun that is

as said well done do keep it up but do so regularly

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Thank you Kenzo for your feedback, have had a bunch of family commitments keeping me away fr teh libraby where I do my work and I am very happy to be back online.

Lesson 13 Exercises:

I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to a healthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.

The items below come from lesson 13 and reflect the ones that I recognize in myself with BOLD being added to make more applicable to me.

Early Recovery: "Understanding/Recognizing the Behavior"
•In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.
•In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness and suicide.
•In early recovery, they tend to explore many different trigger situations to see how well they can handle themselves. To see "how far they have come". This is a behavior that is often witnessed in adolescent wound care--where the adolescent almost compulsively tears open their bandages to "check the wounds". Of course, just like with addiction, such behavior is often problematic--as it opens the individual up to additional infection. But it is a behavior that provides comfort to the adolescent--no matter what stage of healing the wound may be in.
•In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life. Unfortunately, this tends to overwhelm them, distract them, etc., but it is fairly common...and a good sign that their desire to change is sincere.
•In early recovery, these individuals may be all across the board in terms of treatment, and may display many similar traits as to those in the "Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle With Relapse" category above.
•In early recovery, they perceive "powerlessness" as "helplessness" and "desperation".
•In early recovery, significant others tend to experience these individuals as very needy, pathetic, "lost souls".
Middle Recovery : "Actual Recovery"
•They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
•Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
•They TRY TO make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
•They are not ALWAYS focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but ALSO on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.
•They TRY TO recognize failure as a learning experience--but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception.
•They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
•They see their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").
•They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.
•They tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have affected on others--especially those closest to them. This frequently triggers true remorse, temporary depression, temporary helplessness--but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to people in other, more healthy ways.
•Significant others tend to experience these individuals with cautious optimism. They can see the changes taking place, but remain unable to commit to their partner's fully--as they continue to doubt their own judgment (a consequence of the shocking discovery of the addiction's reality).

Late Recovery : "From Recovery to Health"
•They tend to see their past as something rather unbelievable.
•They ARE TRYING TO AND SOMETIMES have developed the ability to produce the same emotional stimulation from value-based actions as they once derived solely from impulse-based actions.

II. Consider the values that surround both your healthy and unhealthy patterns. Are they consistent with your current prioritized values? If yes, wonderful. If not, how might this awareness alter how you are currently perceiving/managing your recovery? Share your thoughts in the community forum.

I will put this in my thread as well as in the community forum...

As I think about my unhealthy and healthy patterns, the biggest conflicts I see are:

I still look forward to food, alcohol, socializing and being entertained (like a movie) to soothmyslef even though I know that I must learn to find satifaction from within. IN addition, despite my most heartfelt desire to be absolutely honest with my wife, I seem to still qm keeping her out of my head by not sharing the the little struggles, the ones that have and may again lead to the bigger struggles. I am afraid to open myself up even though I have told myself many many times that not opening myslef up insure failuer of our relationship and opening up is the only way I can hope for it to succeed. I have a hard time explaining why it is so hard to be open, its just words. I am am alway sos afraid of being exposed that even when I am open, it is often hedged or shaped to llok as benign as possible as opposed to just letting the truth out and hoping it can help me grow. Am I the only one that has som much trouble being open, sometimes even with myself?

Exercise Fourteen

I. Develop your Daily Monitoring list. Construct it in some sort of word processing document (Word, Notepad, Wordpad, etc.) so that you may update it as needed. Post this list into your Recovery Thread.



Note: If you are in personal coaching, I will help you build this in Session II. It will then be converted to an online form so that I can assist you in accountability. Please have your initial monitoring plan ready for review by that second session.



II. For the next two weeks, select a particular time each day (typically, right before going to bed or, just after awakening) and complete this monitoring. It is not intended as a checklist to measure your success/failure. It exists instead to provide you with ongoing focus and awareness. And, to establish a mechanical monitoring process that will eventually become an internalized, natural monitoring process.



Remember: Spend no more than five minutes in reviewing your Daily Monitoring each day. While it may seem beneficial to spend fifteen minutes or more going over your behavior...this has historically proved to be destructive in the long run. You are establishing a pattern of monitoring that should be quick and natural. Not drawn-out and complex. Also, remember that this list will evolve as you evolve. If you require the same item on your list for more than thirty days in a row...and you have not either 1) ingrained that issue as an area to monitor internally; or, 2) resolved the issue...then you are doing something wrong. Post the issue in the community forum for assistance.

Exercise Fourteen

I. Develop your Daily Monitoring list. Construct it in some sort of word processing document (Word, Notepad, Wordpad, etc.) so that you may update it as needed. Post this list into your Recovery Thread.


HEALTH MONITORING
Was I absolutely honest with my wife today?
Did I take responsibility for my actions or mistakes today?
Was I positive in all of my interactions and messages today?
Did I speak with anger or frustration today?
Did I speak negatively about others today?
Did I make my wife and daughter a priority today in thoughts and actions?
Did I ask about or think about how they are feeling?
Was I open with my feelings to them?
Did I put their emotional and physical well-being above my insecurities and fears?
Did I listen to and obey the voice inside me today?
Did I model mature, appropriate and positive attitude, behavior and speech for my daughter today?
Did I avoid any action or interaction out of fear?
Was I positive in all of my interactions and messages today?
Did I speak with anger or frustration today?
Did I speak negatively about others today?
Did I waste any time at work today, did I earn my pay?


II. For the next two weeks, select a particular time each day (typically, right before going to bed or, just after awakening) and complete this monitoring. It is not intended as a checklist to measure your success/failure. It exists instead to provide you with ongoing focus and awareness. And, to establish a mechanical monitoring process that will eventually become an internalized, natural monitoring process.



Remember: Spend no more than five minutes in reviewing your Daily Monitoring each day. While it may seem beneficial to spend fifteen minutes or more going over your behavior...this has historically proved to be destructive in the long run. You are establishing a pattern of monitoring that should be quick and natural. Not drawn-out and complex. Also, remember that this list will evolve as you evolve. If you require the same item on your list for more than thirty days in a row...and you have not either 1) ingrained that issue as an area to monitor internally; or, 2) resolved the issue...then you are doing something wrong. Post the issue in the community forum for assistance.


Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 6:40 pm

Post subject:

Re: Bluebird's Recovery Thread


Revised Health Monitoring List

HEALTH MONITORING
Was I absolutely honest with my wife today?
Did I take responsibility for my actions or mistakes today?
Was I positive in all of my interactions and messages today?
Did I speak with anger or frustration today?
Did I speak negatively about others today?
Did I make my wife and daughter a priority today in thoughts and actions?
Was I open with my feelings to them?
Did I put their emotional and physical well-being above my insecurities and fears?
Did I listen to and obey the voice inside me today?
Did I model mature, appropriate and positive attitude, behavior and speech for my daughter today?
Did I waste any time at work today, did I earn my pay?



Lesson 15 Exercises:

I. Take a minute to review what you have learned over the past two weeks. Of what you have learned so far, think of one example of how you have actively integrated that information into your day-to-day life. Share this in your personal thread.

Dishonesty, whether thru omission or deceit, precludes the building of a foundation for recovery and relationships and is much worse than any consequence of being truthful. I may not get what I want from being truthful but I might, I will never get it if I am not truthful. I have also learned that in order to be the man i want to be, i have to act like the man I want to be and that is what i am trying to do. Health monitoring helps me keep track of successes but more importantly it highlights my shortcomings!!!

Lesson 16 Exercise:

I. Consider the POSITIVE role that addiction has played in your life. What purposes has it served (think short-term, not long)? Understanding the functional role of your addiction is important in removing the power, mystery and fear from that addiction. To begin seeing it in terms of practicality, rather than supernatural. Share a few positive aspects of your addiction in your recovery thread.

My addictions are food and sex. I am also very insecure with low self esteem and usually don't feel worthy as a friend, husband or anything else. For many years I was very active in the single scene and, based on my behavior, my clear preference was for superficial sexual realtionships and I rarely saw anybody more than once or twice. I think the positive role that my addisction palyed for me, and I have a hard time saying that it was positive, was that teh type of person I targeted was also interested in casual sex and so it enabled me to have physical and social interaction with another human like a worthy person might even if only for a short while. I eventually came to realize that i was considered attractive, I am intelligent and had a good job so I gave the impression of being a squared away person and began to use that. I came to beleive that so long as I was never really serious with someone and only saw them a few times, I could play act as the person they thought they were with and could interact, function and perform sexually. Whenever I was with a "real personm" or one of the other relationships progressed beyong superficial, I became uncomfortable and would have difficulty performing sexually. I didn't believe the real me was adequate and i shriveled up and withered.

I also became very focused on my appearance and, having struggled most of my adolescent and adult life with food, I was lsways dieting and then gaining. I woudl gain weight, reach a point that I was discgusted with myself and start an exercise and diet regimen. It would work really well as I beleived that everything would be better if only I was skinny. Long story short, i got skinny, theings wer only better for a while as i got compliments for looking better/good but I was still teh same person and eventually I needed the food to feel good so I ate. Food & casual sex kept me going until I got amarried...I eventually felt unworthy and withdrew from my wife sexually and emotionally and lived in a world of fantasy and masturbation so I coudl feel good about something.

Fantasy was my substitute for intimacy, food was my substitute for emotional interation. I guess in a screwed up way, i got something out of it but it wasn't positive for me or my wife and family.




Exercise 17

I. Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual and post them in your recovery thread. It is important that you understand the principles involved in identifying the stimulating elements of compulsive rituals...so if you are not comfortable with this concept, ask questions! Also, recognize that the elements listed above are not the only elements associated with compulsive behavior. And so, you will want to identify those elements that are specifically related to YOUR compulsive behavior.

The most frequent sexual addiction behavior in my world was masturbation to sexual fantasy or pornography. The elements are fantasy (imagery), sensory (sight and sound), sensory (touch) and orgasm.


Exercise 18

II. Consider one of your own compulsive rituals. Identify circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) have come into play. Make sure that you understand each filter to the point where you are able to identify them as a ritual is being performed. Post these personal examples in your recovery thread.
My longest standing and most common rituals involve masturbation, it started when I was a very young boy and the most common element was sensory as I did things that felt good even though I didn’t understand why. I have no solid recollections of why I sought relief but I do know that I did not feel at all secure. I have four brothers, we lived in chaos far away from the rest of our families and I believe it was as hard on my parents as it was us. As I got older and learned more about sex, fantasy and viewing picture like Playboy became more important elements of my rituals was it habituation or simply getting older, I do not know.

Masturbation became an important part of my life, I wasn’t a happys adolescent or tee, may parents divorced in the early 60”s and I was thoroughly humiliated until we moved and all of my friends only knew me as a child of a broken home. I initially masturbated occasionally but by the time I was a teenager, I was doing it several times a day. I was relying on fantasy and pictures or movies with sexy or beautiful woman. I even masturbated as often as I could when I got married and I can say masturbation was a far more satisfying sexual experience than having emotional sex…that is sex with someone I knew and really cared how they felt about me.

I graduated to peep shows (habituation) and time, time, time and developed some pretty consistent “fantasy movies “ in my head to fill in the times that peep shows were not available, which was most times. When I discovered the internet, things went crazy and intensity and habituation accelerated tremendously. I discovered readily available porn, I snuck it in every chance I got, burnt up many hours and enormous emotional energy with porn moving from traditional sex to transsexual to gay to animals to never being able to see the same film or shots more than once and I was alsways ttrying to prolong the experience as long as possible (time and intensity).

It interfered with my social life after getting divorced, I was really oinly interested in having sex with someone once or twice, that way it was like an acting fantasy, I was who my partner thought I was and could function fine, once they started to get to know me, I folded and withdrew. Eventually, I remarried but withdrew from my wife and my entire sexuality existed only in fantasy land, and porn. My fantasies eventually started to follow the path of the porn selections and I was fantasizing about older women, gay sex, transsexual sex, and also some traditional sex with neighbors of other forbidden fruit.

I can see all fo the three filters and many of the elements as well.

Exercise 19

There is no written exercise associated with this lesson. Instead, there is only a call to deepen you awareness of how you go about deriving stimulation in your day-to-day life. For the rest of today...and for all of tomorrow...become 'hyper-aware' of the healthy and unhealthy rituals that you engage in--AS YOU ARE ENGAGING IN THEM.
Because you will not be held externally accountable for what you are being asked to do, it will be easy to chalk this up as a 'break' from having to do anything further with this lesson. That would be a very big mistake. Your success will be defined by the skill you will develop in personal awareness. So please, do exactly as you are being asked to here. By HYPERAWARE of ALL rituals you engage in over the next few days. Do not limit this awarness to sexually compulsive rituals...or even to compulsive rituals. Explore all of your actions for their 'ritualistic' nature. Brushing your teeth. Eating. Driving to work. Become conscious of your thoughts/feelings as you complete these rituals.
Feel free to share any insights in your recovery thread, but you do not have to. TBD

I spent a lot of time thinking about rituals and it was very difficult to really get in tune with them. over time, I eralized that they are almost unconscious behaviors that usually start when I am alone and either unoccupied/idle or feeling stress. The ritual starts as soon as I alone and if I am somewhere where I can eat, I will be driven to eat something...anything, if I am alone but not naywhere I can eat, driving or walking for exercise, I will want to think about something sexual, usually a fantasy involving a sexual interaction with a known person. if I am with people, I iwll want to eat or drink, especially alcohol, as those behaviors are socailly acceptable and common, they will not be noticed as addiction and, in the case of alcohol, will reduce the anxiety.

I htink about why this happens and i feel that I don't like or respect myself so I am uncomfortable amnd very anxious when it is only me keeping me company. My wife thinks it is just rituals I have developed over time and, while it is true that these rituals and behaviors have been with me a long time, I don't thnk the need is a simple as it is a habit. I htink I feel driven towartds the rituals...I feel like a cat on a hot tin roof and am looking for something to take/puck the feelings away. I am not sure that I am capable of just sitting someplace with out smoking a cigar, reading a book, eating food, drinking a beer watching a movie or watching tv. I'm not sure whether I really like doing things or just like doing things that make me not feel anxious or bad. I am drawn to things that give me positive reinforcement and am not sure whether I really like doing them or just like being told that I do it well and therefore feel good about it.

I am confused about this but a bell is ringing inside...am I seeking immedialte gratification in the form of positive reinforcement from others to dull my emptiness and self contempt rather than acting and behaving as the person I want to really be (and have written about in previous exercises) and thereby achieving the long term internally generated gratification of being that person???

I need to think on this and try and avoid the sterile rituals that fill my days.