Recovery Nation

Hi, thanks to the late CoachJon and the rest of the coaches and participants who have built up a great resource here.

It's taken a while for my account to be registered, so I have a few exercises already done - posting them here might help me focus them a little more.

Here we go.

Notes on Workshop Orientation

points I found interesting in this and in the accompanying mp3.

1) let go of the idea that controlling, refraining from the destructive behaviour itself is recovery. Addiction --> active recovery is the first transition ; active recovery --> health is the second.


2) Still I question if porn is my primary addiction - surely mania is a more important one? Porn has been with me longer. [edit - I want to mention here that I'm certainly not relying on Recovery Nation to prevent mania...I'm at a quite stable stage of mental health recovery such that I can engage in the likes of Recovery Nation which points beyond recovery - I've no doubt that it's all related somehow]

3) This talk of endings, knowing in the back of my mind the old habit is still there just in case...that's how I think of M____, isn't it?

4) I like this idea of positive motivations, not just negative ones. What areas in life can I move towards as my positive anchors for recovery?

5) There will be setbacks - relapses can be prevented

6) I like this idea that I can't know what to expect from recovery until I've laid down a solid foundation with the first section.

7) Expect the emptiness phase, beyond the euphoria of starting, again, another recovery programme.

8) I'm looking forward to reading the next article tomorrow!

_____
A week later:
What strikes me on a second read is the idea that the belief "This time I will succeed" is dysfunctional.....whoa, that seems pretty deep!

Notes and responses to lesson one - laying the foundation

A)

1) Where am I at with respect to willingness to actively engage in recovery?

It sure would be good to think I can just read along, read more and more and when I look up from the page I'll be there. That's behind, isn't it, my tendency to read one book after another, almost compulsively checking out books from the library, each one will be *the* one that's going to 'work'. I'm aware that this process parallels the 'dangers' of mediation [through my study I'm reading Ken Cloke's 'Dangerous Mediation'] - am I too scared even to think what it would be like to be honest with my mother? Surely it's easier just to pretend all is okay. Avoiding honesty because I don't know how to control the chain reaction. And what if recovery meant, again, saying goodbye to M___, or at least saying goodbye to M___ as the blowjob on call, as the one I can imagine to be sharing a life with, the one I am under some obligation to call back -. It's challenging this recovery needs to be above all commitments, even a commitment to religion or family. That makes me think of a Scott Peck book, and I get the urge to go and re-read it - I can now see that urge as a sign of wanting to be passive in recovery. I also often get urges to tell others how great the latest book or programme I've read is - rather than solidly applying the new insights in my own life - I can see this as another sign of passivity.

2) Not allowing guilt/shame to derail this. Where might this tendency be evident in me? It's there when I cast my eyes down when I see an attractive woman. When I say "I'm fine" to F___ when he asks how the rest of my life is. When I just quieten down when people ask after M______.
It's there when I refuse or postpone applying for jobs or looking because of my mental health history, or don't talk to B____ when I want to because it's all just too painful.

3) Commit the time to recovery. Now that I only have one paper for the coming semester, it's a good time to let this be my 'second paper'. I have time each day to consider these things even if it has to wait until the evening. With the state of the world it's in, and feeling my age regarding relationships, I'm always in a rush to race through a programme and say I've mastered it. To undergo the persistent effort of an Everest climb is a steep one, to say the least.


B) Reasons for permanently changing

1. I want to be in a satisfying relationship
2. I want to fulfill whatever talents I have
3. I want to be able to look people in the eye
4. I want to be present to life.
5. I want to contribute what I can to the earthly and spiritual worlds
6. I want to come into relationship with others
7. I want a decent quality of life.
8. I want what's best for my nephew
9. I want to be out from under mum's shadow
10. I don't want to die still emotionally a child
11. I don't want to undermine my efforts just as I get going
12. I want to find a great work.
13. I want to relate to others with ordinary courage
14. I want to build a loving household with love-filled meals.
15. I'll never be an effective mediator and facilitator if I'm hiding a part of me, expecting others to do work I'm refusing.


-----
The following week:
Well, spot the odd one out on that list of reasons!! Yes number 5 - I have a hard time distinguishing whether I'm uneasy putting it up because it's not really 'me', or because it is a part of my life that I expect to be misunderstood and viewed with scorn.
Number 12 reminds me of CoachJon's essay where he points out that many people caught in addiction expect to operate up at the Gandhi level of world-changing impact. That clearly applies to mania, too. So I want to remind myself that when I say 'great work', I mean the work that I am capable of, not Gandhi-great.

On reading and passivity - I spent time in the library today, and checked out a couple more books, and bought a second-hand book. This was about a mix of force of habit, not having anything else on hand to procrastinate with, and just my love of learning and interest in so many topics. Because of RN, I also spent time in the second-hand shop reminding myself,you are mortal, you are not going to read everything there is here. And when reading at the library, I wondered what values I was pursuing in reading.

Notes to Lesson 2 - A Healthy Vision

If I had doubts about whether this was a journey I needed to embark on, reading this has cleared it up. I wouldn't have thought my chronic answer of 'don't know' when any kind of goal-setting assignment came up was related to the porn, but of course it is. If I knew where I was going I wouldn't be drifting around looking for the next short-term buzz. If I were really satisfied with my life and relationships I wouldn't need to constantly, constantly escape.

And what more was my 'mania' than a refusal to accept the mortal bounds? To escape my frustration at being able to accomplish so little, by escaping into a fantasy where I transformed everything and knew everything.

Okay so here are some initial thoughts towards a vision...it's not there yet.

I want to commit to a 'third way' path, whose basis will be broadly Christian and anthroposophical. This path has room for others to have their own paths - 'voluntary living' is another way I might describe the path - but I don't need to belabour this point by constantly, passively reading about other paths, to compare, argue and to procrastinate over actively deciding what practices and commitments I am actually going to adhere to. I choose a way that acknowledges the spiritual aspect of life without losing the willingness to tend to washing the dishes, cleaning the guttering.

I want a life where I build capacity for ordinary courage, compassion and connection.I read a definition of justice as "that which is mine to do." I want to build a sense of what is mine to do, and do it.

I'm committed to doing what's best for my nephew - being someone worthy of emulation, yet at the same time caring for him as an individual separate to me. Doing what I can to offer him a life of freedom, but not a life of insecurity.

I choose to become skilled as a mediator / facilitator

I want to view other adults in a spirit of friendship, learning how to make space and time for conversation. I want to learn to initiate and maintain friendships...and I want to live in a way that leaves me open to the possibility one of those will develop into a lasting, intimate relationship.

I will have music in my life for fun, relaxation, expression and collaboration.


--------
Further thoughts:
I'm aware that some passivity is kicking in in not wanting to come back and revise this vision - though looking at it now it looks pretty good. Still that first paragraph is at the slightly grander level, and I don't know if I really *do* want to commit to a particular spiritual path, though there is something in there that is very important to me.

My values list


1. Living with compassion
2. Sharing my true self with the world around me
3. Strengthening my role as uncle
4. Showing appreciation towards other
5. Developing intellectual depth
6. Integrating religion into my day-to-day life
7. Bringing joy to others
8. Providing quality in my work
9. Establishing competence in my field
10. Being respected as a professional by others
11. Being playful
12. Being dependable
13. Being reliable
14. Working as part of a team
15. Honesty
16. Sense of humour
17. Sense of responsibility
18. Being a role model for my family
19. Loving others
20. being loved by others
21. Being challenged and overcoming challenges
22. Developing emotional maturity
23. Creativity
24. Establishing a partnership with someone
25. Passionate about life
26. Developing sustained friendships
27. Being respected
28. Being judged trustworthy
29. Developing patience
30. Living a humble life
31. Nurturing children's creativity/maturation
32. Being known as reliable
33. Wisdom
34. Connected to my own feelings
35. Companionship
36. Resourcefulness
37. Appreciating natural beauty/nature
38. Integrity
39. Connecting to purpose, meaning in life
40. Instilling healthy values in kids
41. Financial stability
42. Improving my social interactions
43. vulnerability
44. fidelity
45. walking the same path as equals
46. intellectual growth, debate, communication
47. communicating feelings
48. experienced in conflict resolution
49. accepting responsibility for living my life
50. being known as truthful and honest
51. sense of accomplishment
52. feeling challenged
53. friendship
54. forgiveness
55. respecting Mother Earth
56. openminded to the beliefs of others
57. self-discipline
58. raising a healthy child
59. guiding, teaching, role-modeling for children
60. living with ordinary courage
61. growing in connection
62. fun
63. relaxation
64. collaboration
65. tending to practicalities
66. commitment
67. conversation
68. intimacy


'Shadow' values

1. living an exciting life
2. experiencing euphoria
3. feeling masculine
4. power
5. control
6. feeling desirable
7. being recognised
8. curiosity
9. experiencing the forbidden
10. ecstacy
11. escape
12. refusing to accept limitations, aging
13. erotic arousal

Prioritised values list

1. living with ordinary courage
2. Living with compassion
3. growing in connection
4. trustworthiness
5. Sharing my true self with the world around me
6. Strengthening my role as uncle
7. Establishing competence in my field
8. Appreciating attractiveness and being attractive
9. music
10. Physical and emotional intimacy
11. gratitude
12. Developing sustained friendships
13. tending to practicalities
14. Appreciating natural beauty/nature
15. getting on with family


It's at this stage of prioritising and sorting a top fifteen that the passivity starts to kick in. The top three are great, but inherited from another author (Brene Brown)...

I have trouble distinguishing
a) What my values currently are, from
b) What I want my values to be, and
c) What I think my priorities should be.

...and it's with the action plans that I hit the wall. I have a few ideas in my head, but nothing firmly in place yet.

Right, simple action plans:

First steps:

Living with compassion

5 minutes breathing meditation daily

Music

At least 10 minutes each day engaging with my current music project.

Gratitude

List 5 things I'm grateful for each day

A revised prioritised values list:

1. growing in capacity for connection.
2. Sharing my true self with the world around me
3. trustworthiness
4. being financially sound
5. Developing and sustaining friendships
6. Grow in capacity for monogamous intimate relationship
7. gratitude
8. Refraining from acting out of anger
9. Establishing competence in my field
10. Strengthening my role as family member
11. music
12. tending to practicalities
13. fun
14. Devotion
15 Appreciating attractiveness and being attractive
16. Appreciating natural beauty/nature

More action plans:

Trustworthiness

Commit to a policy of absolute honesty
Maintain a list of current commitments.
Refer to said list in weekly planning session each Sunday
Don't take on more commitments without thoroughly thinking it through
Apply values-based decision-making.

Financial soundness

No transferring money from savings accounts without following procedure (yet to be written)
Plan the next day's spending the night before.
Apply values-based decision-making in making any purchase

grow in capacity for connection and intimacy

No porn
No titillating channel surfing
Refrain from masturbating for the rest of 2012.
Work on Recovery Nation Workshop
Pay attention to relationship fantasy aspects of workshop
Commit to a policy of absolute honesty.

Lesson Ten - Absolute honesty

I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean. No need to do anything about these thoughts...just have an awareness of them.

One big area I've already started coming clean about in the past few days is just how far behind I get on things I've committed to doing. Hiding my lack of competence, my inexplicable procrastination has been a problem for a long time. The risks are being thought poorly of, having the tasks taken away, being talked about negatively.

Another area is hiding some of my thoughts from some people for fear of enraging them - or even just bearing their displeasure. Risk of being rejected, kicked out.

Another is trying to hide when I'm unable to focus on what someone is saying, or have missed something. The risk is coming across as someone really defective.

I feel slightly dishonest even just answering the "what do you do?" question, or answering any questions about my present or past - I think this is not feeling confident about maintaining a distinction between privacy and deception...particularly when there are multiple stigma issues. The risks are rejection, discomfort and isolation.

With romantic and sexual issues, it's more about worrying that it's written all over my face. Again, rejection, discomfort, humiliation, isolation.

II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them in certain areas.

I stay with my mother.. I want to learn to move past anger and aloofness while maintaining privacy.

III. NA

IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior.

None in recent years. When I was a teenager I hid a Jackie Collins novel in the attic, and started a habit of stashing (and burning) magazines. I once owned Betty Blue on VHS.

I think the CD collection probably counted for romantic stimulus, though most of it's gone now.
I have a few notes from the long-distance-ex now friend.

V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.

It's mostly the long-distance ex now friend who I am back to skyping regularly after a couple of months break when I (again) ended it. - sexual fantasy when I masturbate, and wondering about a life together based on very little.
In the past year I have googled the ex who was 'the one' to try to get in touch with her.

VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior.

Internet surf for porn.

Hyperawareness of sex sections and sexual content videos in video shop, sometimes pick up a DVD case to look at. Occasional drive to to check out every video shop in town.
'Clocking' Adult Shops, strip clubs etc, just generally making sure I know where everything is.

My romantic patterns tend to be more about avoiding situations because, sometimes, the slightest conversation leads to a preoccupation with 'is this leading somewhere?' or even 'is this the one?'

Masturbation - bedroom, bathroom, toilet, sitting at computer, sitting watching tv. When I was younger, I was masturbating behind a bush when I got picked up and taken home by police. Once in the back of a van. Frotted my bicycle seat once when I was a teenager on the way home from looking at a porn mag for the first time. In my grad school office and at one workplace.

Lesson Eleven Behavioural Assessment


I've struggled with this and just realised my big relationship problem is a general failure to form a relationship with someone single, available and living in the same country as me, beyond 'relationships' based on bedroom visits. It's kind of obvious when I stop to think about it, but painful now that I do.


Behaviours I have had at least once in my life:

Common Patterns Associated with Fantasies, Obsessions and Delusions:
I. Fantasies
* 3-5 second sexual fantasies
* Numerous daily sexual/romantic fantasies involving a particular person, memory or act
* Setting aside time to fantasize where such time is considered an actual event in the person's life
* Increasing sleep patterns to trigger an increase in fantasy/dreams (e.g. naps, early to bed)

II. Obsessions

* Infatuation, when the infatuation involves the loss of one's own boundaries and balance
* Inability to emotionally let go of a former romantic partner

III. Romantic Delusions

* "Love at first site" fantasy is often triggered through public places, television (and other media), social engagements
* Person frequently lacks the interpersonal skills necessary to develop and sustain healthy relationships, displaying instead a pattern of "instant intimacy" with others.
* Extreme fear of rejection leads to fantastic displays of hyper-romanticism [e.g. the writing of intensely intimate and passionate love-letters to relative (or complete) strangers in an attempt to overwhelm them with emotion--as well as to decrease the opportunity for immediate rejection; sending poems, flowers, gifts "anonymously"]

I. Self-stimulation by hand, mouth, etc.

*
manually stimulating one's own genitalia

* stimulating my man-breasts
* consciously contracting one's pelvic muscles to produce sexual stimulation
* digital stimulation through the anus

[*] rubbing against floor, desk, bed

III. Stimulation by the use of living beings - once got cat to lick erect penis.

Common Behaviors Associated with Pornography:
I. Stimulation by the use of pictures

*
explicit pictures found in magazines such as Playboy, Playgirl, Hustler, trading cards, Internet, etc., involving sexual genitalia or sexual acts

* pictures found in books, catalogs, magazines, comics, newspapers, etc., which are not necessarily created to be sexually enticing, but nevertheless are perceived by the viewer as such (including computer-generated images)


II. Stimulation by the use of sexually explicit video

* erotic movies produced for public viewing (e.g. theaters, television, CD, streaming video)
* replaying, freeze-framing or putting into slow-motion those scenes which are found to be erotically stimulating

Promiscuity
[*]Most of my sexual relationships skipped the phase of developing a relationship outside the bedroom - completely detached from a publicly visible or committed relationship.














Elements Frequently Associated with:
Fantasy
* Fantasy (duh!)
* Accomplishment [when achieving temporary relief from an emotional imbalance (stress/depression, anxiety)] - escape

* Sensory (especially physical/visual) - also tactile.

* Orgasm

Obsession
* Fantasy (in creating an unending series of possible scenarios)


Romantic Delusions
* Fantasy (in selecting a target)
* Power (in not facing initial rejection)
* Suspense (in not knowing whether or not his/her target will reciprocate his feelings

Elements Frequently Associated with Masturbation
* Sensory Stimulation
* Orgasm
* Accomplishment (when fulfilling the "need" to achieve orgasm)

Elements Frequently Associated with Pornography:

* Sensory (visual)
* Accomplishment (in the attempts to find the most stimulating images)
* Orgasm

Voyeuring

* Sensory (visual)
* Fantasy
* Suspense


Triggers

Fantasy

* Pornography
* Stress (especially related to low self-esteem, trauma and/or depression)
* Boredom
* Media (TV, songs, books, Internet, etc.)
* Lack of intimacy
* Visual attraction
* Social situations/Public places

Obsession
* Conflict (especially as it relates to boundaries involving trust and honesty)
* Breakups
* Low self-esteem

Romantic Delusions

* Stress (especially related to low self-esteem, trauma and/or depression)
* Visual attraction; Mental attraction
* Social situations/public places
* Poor social comfort zone (Intense shyness)

Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Masturbation

* Life Stressors
* Emotional imbalance (especially depression, anger)
* Unfulfilled romantic/sexual encounters

Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Pornography:

* Life Stressors
* Emotional imbalance (especially depression, anger, anxiety)
* Boredom
* Curiosity

Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Promiscuity
* Past history of emotional neglect (parental)
* Opportunity (people, places, times and things)

Hi surprisedbyjoy,

You have done well so far without receiving a welcome, so, welcome to RN.

You look like you're doing well so far and that you're here for the right reasons, so I'm just going to briefly comment.



This is a great insight for where you are in your development. What you will eventually learn to distinguish is the patterns of addiction, and the underlying emotions and beliefs that actually drive those patterns. At the moment, it likely still feels like addiction is part of who you are, part of your identity. But what you will eventually discover, and see for yourself, is that your addiction is just a complex emotional (and life) management strategy. In the end, it has developed as a response to thoughts and emotions that, at the time you initially had them, were beyond your healthy capacity to deal with. So, once you stop your compulsive behaviour, then go back and deal with the underlying patterns that led to that compulsive behaviour (as well as learn the healthy skills needed to manage your life and make decisions), your addiction truly will be gone.



The setbacks in recovery (if you are sincere) mostly occur because recovery is a learning process. You really are re-learning how to live your life, and relate to both yourself and others. So most in recovery go through a period of "fumbling and bumbling" before they regain their bearings, since early recovery is usually a period fraught with confusion and uncertainty. This is also why it's so important to establish a life vision early on that you can use to help guide you until you start to re-learn how to interact with the world in a healthy way.



If necessary, don't think of this as recovery. One great danger a lot of people face in this process is thinking that recovery is separate from their life. They compartmentalize themselves and think that at times, they work on recovery, then they continue going about their life. These people tend not to make too many substantial changes, as they continue to think that recovery is the process of doing lessons, reading books, going to groups, etc. They also usually still see life in a series of steps and stages, where one day they will just be "recovered," and will then move on with life. Doesn't work that way.

Recovery is not separate from your life...it is just your life. All it is, is learning the tools and skills necessary to manage your emotions, make healthy decisions, and live your life as you want to. That's all. Now, there's more to it than that of course...you do go through a significant shift in your identity and perception. But really, that's what recovery is about. All the lessons here are really just ways to educate you, get you to think about your own life, and set you on the right track...whichever right track you decide that is.

So don't think that "recovery" is something that you commit to above your commitment to religion or your family. If these are things that you value, then incorporating them into your life is part of your recovery. Developing deeper relationships with your family -- that's recovery. Committing to your religion, however that is meaningful to you -- that's recovery. And, it is just your life.



Well, why limit yourself? You can be Gandhi great. Anyone can be. Gandhi was just some guy, like you and me. The reason Jon says this is that for those who've developed an addiction, this feeling of needing to be world changing is usually more paralyzing than empowering. Deep down, it tends to be created out of perfectionism and a fear of failing, rather than an actual desire to change the world. Many of us usually have grown up feeling like we have huge expectations on our shoulders. Thus, we develop huge expectations on ourselves that feel impossible to fulfill. We feel like everything we do has to be world-changing. But because the root of this is a fear of failure, I remember being paralyzed at the idea of doing anything, because I was never sure if it'd be "good enough." This has been one of the deepest perceptual flaws I've had to overcome.

So, just move forward doing what you like to do, what you truly value. In actuality, everything you do has an effect on the world, large and small. People who change the world tend not to think that they're changing the world. They just act.

For your vision: great start, but I think it would benefit from being a bit more specific in some areas. You want your vision to be practical, measurable, and specific. When I read your vision, I want to get a sense of who you are (or who you want to be) as a unique person. Right now, I can see a glimpse of it, but I think you could still be more specific.

Similarly, your values may be a bit on the idealistic side...but, it's up to you. Just make sure that when you look through your list of values, you can see how each value will factor into your life on a practical basis (even if it wouldn't on a day-to-day basis).

Action plans: great in terms of simplicity and practicality, but they may be a bit too simple. For example, what you have there would really only guide you for around 15-20 minutes per day. This isn't to say that you need your entire days planned out. Just that you should have enough to stay focused on what you want to develop, on a day-to-day basis. But, what you have now is practically useful, which is always good.



While these are okay, just ensure that your recovery is based on what you want in your life, rather than what you are avoiding. The reasons for this will be more clear as you move on, but basically, no healthy recovery is ever based in avoidance of your compulsive behaviours. If you poke around the forums and the site, there has been a lot written about this topic.

Lastly, we usually suggest here to work on between ~2-4 lessons a week, working at least 20-30 minutes per day on your recovery even if that's just journalling thoughts. You must find your own pace, but something close to the above will ensure that you stay focused on the changes you're making to your life and maintain momentum to avoid complacency and keep you going through the rough patches of early recovery. Occasionally coaches and mentors will drop by to provide feedback, but if they don't, that can also mean you're on the right track. If you ever want feedback on something specific, you can ask for it in your thread or post a topic on the Community Forum.

You look like you're off to a great start! Here's wishing you happiness, energy, and determination on your path to health!

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Hi Coach Boundless



Thank you! And thank you for the excellent feedback and encouragement.



I really like what you've written here. I can definitely relate to what you say about wanting to change everything coming out of fear of doing anything.



Thanks for this - I'm aware these all need more work - I just wanted to get something down to get some rubber hitting some road. I'm pretty disorganised, so getting those few daily things done is enough for me so far - and my values list and those abstinence 'boundaries' are already simplifying my decision-making considerably.

I've always really struggled with visioning exercises, I come across a big 'I don't know' in way that many people don't seem to. With my current commitments I have enough flowing my way that I'm usually more concerned with responding well.

But I know the 'I don't know' and the fear of failure are closely linked, too. Particularly with wanting to be in a relationship, a lot of energy goes into bracing for what seems to be the probability that it will never happen....and then there's the complication of not knowing yet how yearning for someone links into 'love addiction' patterns.

Thanks again!

Lesson Twelve - assessing unhealthy recovery patterns.

Group one/two patterns:

I may perceive myself as already quite advanced in my recovery, and that's it's not worth the work. I may resist really doing the work and prefer the workshop to do it for me. My progress might depend on what feedback (or not) I get. I could very easily rationalise that I need the behaviours I've said I'd abstain for, as a source of relaxation in a very stressful life, or that I don't have anything serious enough to be called an addiction. I'm still not sure that I've articulated a vision motivating enough to get me past the initial burst of energy. Yes, I could panic if it sinks in that I really have to change. I have tended to skip from one 'program' to the next, each time thinking 'this is the one'.

Group three patterns:

I feel close to this point, but still I resist going back and reworking my values and vision, preferring to go on to the next lesson each time.

Group four patterns I relate to:

"


'Struggling' patterns:



Occasionally struggling patterns:


I often used to imagine that I'd run into someone from my university years and they'd notice how much I'd changed.