Recovery Nation

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:

1) actively committing yourself to change

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change

3) allowing yourself time to change.

Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.

1) My committment to change was there but I let my own ego get in the way. When I didnt understand something I read then I would skip over it and not ask for help. This is not helpful in my recovery and I will no longer do this. I want to be a better person for myself and for my family. I want my family to stay together and my children to look up to me. I need to and will be a better person and husband and father. I will actively seek help when needed and pursue my goal of recovery.

2) The guilt/shame that I feel shuts me down emotionally. When others bring up what I've done it rushes in and I don't know how to handle it. But I cannot let anything get in my way this time. I have a partner to share my problems with and I have this forum and another and will use these tools to help me in my recovery so that I can be better.

3) Although I know change will not be overnight I need the change to start now. I have been not seeking active recovery only passive recovery and that does not help me. Even if I end up alone I still want this change and will continue on this path until I am changed.


B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. List these in your recovery thread.

To be a husband
To have a fulfilling life with love going out and coming in and being able to accept it.
To be the man I was meant to be. The man i want to be. For me and for my family.
To be an honest man. One with integrity and conviction.
To feel connected to my wife. To be the man she thought I was.
To feel. To not distract or numb any feelings but to actually experience them.
To have a healthy sex life with fun as the main ingredient.
To be a role model for my children.
To put others needs ahead of my own.
TO be happy.


My Lifes Vision

I want to be the man people used to think I was. I want this for me. I want to be caring and fun and loving and honest and sexual and healthy. I want this for me and my wife. I want to feel good about what I've done at the end of the day. I want this for me. I want others to feel good about what I've done at the end of the day. I want this for my family. I want others to feel good about themselves when they are around me. I want this for me. I am not trying to be selfish but I want to make myself and others happy and I was not doing that. I want to be excited to live my life not ashamed of the way I was living it. It would be pretty cool if I knew others were happy that they got to be a part of my life. a Real part. Not kept on the outside.

Values

honesty. to be honest about me and to only accept honesty from others.
empathy. to feel for others on a deeper level.
loving. so my family has no doubt that they have a supportive man around.
friendly. having people to be close with.
straight forward. to let others see me for me.
integrity. do what i say and say what i do.
happiness in others. feel the joy i can bring to others.
happiness for myself. let others bring joy to me and be willing to accept it.
fun. only here once no point in sitting around.
sharing. letting others have a piece of me in hope for a piece of them.
laughter. want my belly to hurt.
sexuality. I want to be close to my wife and explore each other.
intimacy. to be transparent and share everything.
courteousy. if you dont have anything nice to say......
parenting. raise my children instead of tv like i was raised.
mentoring. helping others be better.
talking. letting her know whats on my mind when its on my mind.
being a leader. take control of situations that affect me if need be.
accepting help. if someone is offering dont be to proud to accept.
asking for help. if i need it then bloody well ask. no ego.
caring. being there for others when they need it.
curious. trying to figure stuff out instead of letting others do it for me.
intelligent. asking questions will actually help this one.
hardworking. feel a sense of accomplishment and not need praise.

A. In the previous exercise, you identified a list of the majority of your practical and universal values. Now, prioritize this list. This should take you about fifteen minutes at the most. If it is taking you longer than that, you are thinking too deeply. The deep thought was in constructing your vision and extracting the values...this is the 'easy part'. Simply identify an initial order of prioritization that 'feels right' to you.

Honesty
Integrity
Loving
Talking
Caring
Intimate
Sexuality
Empathy
Happy
Asking and receiving help
Sharing
Friendly
Straight forward
Fun
Laughing
Parenting
Mentoring
Intelligent
Hardworking
Courteous

A. In previous exercises, you identified and prioritized a list of your personal values. This list should represent those aspects of your life that you want to use to define who you are and how you will be managing your life. Take a moment to look over that list with a fresh view. As you read through it, ask yourself, "Does this reflect the person that I am committing myself to becoming?" If so, continue on; if not, add those missing values that are congruent with the life that you want to lead and remove those values which are not.
Honesty
Integrity
Loving
Talking
Caring
Intimate
Sexuality
Empathy
Happy
Asking and receiving help
Sharing
Friendly
Straight forward
Fun
Laughing
Parenting
Mentoring
Intelligent
Hardworking
Courteous

Theses values are all good.



B. Consider two or three major decisions that you have made in your life (i.e. marriage, career, getting a dog, etc.). Examine the values involved in the decision-making process that went into your options. Consider having to make those decisions today. Does your current prioritized values list reflect the choices that you would make? If so, then you have done a good job of creating a practical values list. If not, then you may still be leaning more towards 'idealistic values' than practical ones. You want...no, you NEED this list to function on a practical level. Continue refining it until it does.

Yes these are the values I would use.

C. Finally, examine the list one more time for its realism. Do this by briefly grasping each value and thinking about the role that it would play in your day-to-day life. This does not mean that you must use the particular value on a daily basis, only that it can serve as a realistic, functional part of the identity that you are building. For instance, if I choose 'spirituality' as a top priority for myself, but in reality I am only listing that value out of fear and/or social acceptance...then my list is not real. It is not practical. On the other hand, if I list 'Strengthening my relationship with my brother'--whom I have not had any contact with in twenty years and with whom I would like to rebuild a connection with...then that is practical. Also, remember to examine the values that are not necessarily socially accepted/idealized. This is critical. If you build a life based on what others expect from you, you will fail in your transition. If you build a life based on a mastery of what it is you truly value, then you will succeed. So examine values such as 'sexual gratification', 'being sexually adventurous', 'feeling sexually desired', 'being promiscuous', etc. If these are important to you, then prioritize them within your list. Leave them out because they don't 'sound right' and you are dooming yourself to that dual-identity that pervades sexual addiction.

I would like to add:
strengthen my relationship with my wife
be healthy
adventurous
funny

Hi Crash

A belated welcome to RN. We are glad you are here and have taken this step on the road to recovery - and other Hollywood cliches. IN fact, little about Rn is a cliche. The onus is on you to take the lessons and resources here and mould them to your life and your character. There is much wisdom around - almost everyone has been close to where you are now, but not exactly.

The focus is on you getting in touch with the values that make you better, healthier person. One thing I noticed up front about your early responses. You talk a lot about being the person other people want you to be. Fair enough. But this wont help you recover. First you have to be the person you want to be. If you use other people's values, chance sare they will mean nothing to you when a crisis comes.

Find your own values. So:



Instead, be positive and more confident/ This is who you WANT to be.

I WILL be connected to my wife. To be a man she deserves, and who deserves her.

This is not motivational talk. Instread, it is about remembering that self-confidence that your sexual rituals have eroded over time. You have escaped your emotions. RN urges you to getin touch wityh them and learn how to control them.

Your vision too was full of external validation - a huge motivational factor for compulsives.



Think of it this way. When youy have a really important task in your life, do you walk off, find a stranger and ask them to do it. No. You realise you are thebest man for the job. So it is with recovery.

Finally. I see you joined some months ago. I am sorry no one has p[icked up your thread until now. But you are posting very infrequently. It is easy to fall off the first page.

More importantly, as with learning any new skills, you need regular, focused work. Think of learning to drive a car. Would you take a lesson once every 2 weeks? No, you try every day.

It is the same with recovery. It works best if you schedule 20 minutes every day for reading, thinking or writing. The knowledge builds up.

I am sure yoy have a busy life. But as someone said to me on these threads a couple of years ago, I never had a problem finding time for pornography. Why is it so hard to find time to learn why i had this compulsion?

In the end, it is up to you. Indeed, learning independence is one of the central tenets of RN.

There are lots of people here to help. Coaches, mentors and other recoverers. If you habe a question, ask it on the Community Forum. People will respond and from the heart. PM a Coach or Mentor if you need other help.

Read other people's lessons on the threads. There is help everywhere.

But you need to want to find it. I hope you will

Shaw

A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening your relationship with your wife" is complex. "Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog" (probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these plans into your recovery thread.

1.courteousy. if you dont have anything nice to say....
2.hardworking. feel a sense of accomplishment and not need praise
3.intelligent. asking questions will actually help this one.


1. be nice to others
do something nice for at least 2 people without expecting anything.
be polite to as many people as you can.

2. do some real work without being told to
I am good at my job and can work hard easily so I would like to transfer that to my recovery by being on my forums everyday and doing my workshop everyday I can and work hard at being open and talking to my wife.

3. learn something new everyday. my son is full of 'facts' learn one from him and share one with him.
listen and absorb from my wife because she is very smart about life
share one idea a week with someone on a way to improve something from my point of view.

A. Take the next week (start today) to develop initial action plans for the remaining 'top priority' values. It is essential that you develop plans for at least the top ten, but if you can reach fifteen...wonderful. These plans will be used to form the basis of your health monitoring system (which you will begin at the end of next week). Post these plans in your Recovery Thread.

Honesty. quit saying I don't know if I do know.
quit saying it doesn't matter if I have an opinion.
take the time to listen and think about her questions and then answer.
do what you say you are going to.

Integrity. be someone that others can look up to.
do what you say you are going to.
don't lie.

Loving. Share yourself openly.
be a giver not a taker
be romantic sometimes.
make her feel good about herself.

Talking. Write it down and then say it when you are together so you dont forget.
she wants to hear my opinions.
she wants to hear everything from me.
i want to hear what she has to say as well
start as many conversations as i can

Caring. I do care. i need to show this by listening and putting her first
do things for her no matter how it is for me
be romantic sometimes and let her know i am thinking about her and want to know what she has to say and what she needs.

Intimate. touch.
talk.
kiss.
be in charge of all of these.
make time for just us.

Sexuality. have fun
be playful
be open
make yourself and her feel sexy

Empathy. dont assume what others are thinking or feeling ask because i have probably felt the same. put her feelings first and see how what i do affects her. then make it better.

Happy. quit sabotaging mine and her happiness with shame. this is selfish.
she could be happy and so could i if ido this stuff.

IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread. If you are uncomfortable sharing this in the forum, email or PM the list to me directly.

I have none of these. I did not get rid of them all, my wife got rid of stuff.

V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.


I have only used my wife. I have watched the movies and then pornified her in my fantasies.



VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.

I watched movies on the computer and then acted out in the washroom. I also used to look at magazines in the shed and then act out in the washroom.

I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to a healthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.



I am obviously still in early recovery. Even after months of no P&M. I don't want to be stuck here forever. I want to move on. I need to move on for me and for my wife. Not all of the patterns match me but more than a few.

1.Did I carry myself as a person worthy of respect today? no
2.Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today? yes
◦If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved? yes
◦Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual? yes
◦If no, did I role play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?
3.Did I initiate at least one meaningful conversation with my wife today? no
◦If not, how many days has it been since I have? 11
4.Was I attentive to my wife's needs today? no
5.Was I truthful in everything I shared with my wife today? no
6.How much time did I spend with each child today? 1 hour
◦Was it quality time for each of us? yes
◦Did I remember to fully invest myself in the moment? yes
7.Did I yell at the kids today? Was yelling the appropriate option to choose in that situation? Or was it just the easiest? no
8.Did I follow through with everything that I said I was going to do today? no
9.Did I maintain a conscious awareness of how emotionally connected I was with each member of my family (e.g through conversation, shared activity, spontaneous affection or otherwise?) no
10.Did I roleplay at least one reactive action plan today? yes
11.How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment? shitty.

1.Did I carry myself as a person worthy of respect today? yes
2.Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today? no
◦If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
◦Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
◦If no, did I role play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals? yes. hardwork.
3.Did I initiate at least one meaningful conversation with my wife today? not yet
◦If not, how many days has it been since I have? 12
4.Was I attentive to my wife's needs today? no
5.Was I truthful in everything I shared with my wife today? yes
6.How much time did I spend with each child today? 1 hour
◦Was it quality time for each of us? yes
◦Did I remember to fully invest myself in the moment? yes
7.Did I yell at the kids today? Was yelling the appropriate option to choose in that situation? Or was it just the easiest? no
8.Did I follow through with everything that I said I was going to do today? yes
9.Did I maintain a conscious awareness of how emotionally connected I was with each member of my family (e.g through conversation, shared activity, spontaneous affection or otherwise?) yes
10.Did I roleplay at least one reactive action plan today? yes
11.How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment? today is better. more calm.

New lifes vision.

I am going to be someone that I can be proud of. Someone that is honest and hardworking and loving and caring and sexual. Not someone that lies and is lazy and is alone and selfish and fake sexual. All of these things got me where I am now. THis is not a good place. The new things will get me to a good place. The place I want to be. Not only someone for me to be proud of but also my wife and kids. I have destroyed more than enough of mine and her life. Parts that won't come back. But I will make the future a better place for all involved in my life. I will use the tools and the people that are there for me to use in making myself this better man. Love.

Hi Crash
I see you have re visited your life vision
that is good
it should be revisited and added to as you progress, it should be considered as a work in progress
your life vision should be a cornerstone of your recovery
it should be personal honest general and specific
I suggest , like most people's vision that yours still needs more work

Love.

I see honesty, love sex pride hard working but mainly centered around the family

I dont see fun, friends, security, happiness, health, spirituality, ambition charity...............................
Oh life consists of so much please consider embracing it



maybe you can personalise your vision by being specific, state your short term plan to achieve these targets, that will then allow you to better gauge your progress when you refer back, and you will refer back

just a thought or two my friend if useful use if not trash it
it is your recovery and your life, but I hope this helps
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo