Recovery Nation

4/4/12

I’ve been feeling kinda crubby today especially after breaking through a compulsive ritual again. I’m glad I broke out of it while I was doing it. I just wished it would have been done before I even started the behavior. Because as of right now, even though I have returned back on the health track as I and others on RN might have put it, I still had that lasting emotional effect going on.
I can tell too from the thoughts that lingered in my mind up to now. I’ve received a vast majority of automatic thoughts, which I’m learning to manage through daily monitoring. I had an extreme negative thought talking about my own family. Much of it involved conversations about my own mother as being someone “I despise”. Or not being despised, but just simple imaginations of relatives like my own mother getting involved with an argument from me. I see myself engaging in a major argument between my mother and myself. I even had anxiety from just thinking about a heartfelt conversation from my Dad earlier today about the underlying reason why my father and mother split up. I guess much of my emotions in that circumstance still lingered to this day even though I moved on, the feelings may have not been managed to deal with this.

I guess this crubby feeling just comes on me like a rise out of hell. I don’t think I’m in hell, but kinda consider myself lucky or greatful to get out of dodge. I’ve done that a few times or at least a couple of times when I initiated or started a compulsive ritual. But I worry as much as making it through the next days with managing the emotions that come my way. I try not to think about it too much or I just end up thinking too hard if I do. Just knowing deep down that it is my emotions that I gotta worry about when any situation comes in is utterly a challenge.

To be honest, I don’t really want to worry about it. I recognize that as events come by, my emotions are influenced in some way. In fact, looking back at this journal entry I wrote back in Spring Break which was the week I actually struggled to deal with several emotional triggers, I think that the triggers themselves from thoughts to actions, others’ actions, earthquakes, weather changes, and other events aren’t the ones to be concerned about. That is the idea I’m seeing as I think about it more.

I admit my attitude at the moment I thought about this was a little “Yeah. I get it already” or What is it that is being said here? I already got it!!!” Well, it’s more about what I really got from a piece of knowledge. Reading that journal entry was when I felt this uncertainty on what I truly got from the experience. To deal with that uncertainty, I checked in on some information about that 5 day trip I took all the way out to Arlington, Texas for a 3 day Christian conference with a well-known pastor in Africa. The greatest remark that I’m sure CoachMel wouldn’t mind me quoting here is: “There will always be triggering events and stressful relationships in life, regardless of where you are or who you are around! It is your reaction to these triggering relationships and events, and how you manage yourself in face of them, that is fundamental to your recovery (or non-recovery)” Before that quote, I saw that whatever that was going on in my family life at home, indeed wasn’t the cause. It’s all just how I manage my emotions all my life. Not to write all this and make it sound like I’m making HUGE progress or anything, but this little thought to me is my sense of understanding.

I mean just taking a look at that trending graph from last week while I was looking into this helped me see this in a more clearer picture. There were like “frustrations” that disrupted my focus throughout that week. It indeed affected moments when I actually became calm. To me, it was like a bomb that has just cooled down only to explode immediately when another situation or event comes up; only that it’s the emotions surrounding the events that make it difficult to handle. I guess that I just didn’t quite build or develop fully some of those concepts I’ve learned from the Workshop as of late.

I could see that I get this information, but to be consciously aware of putting the information to work is where I have often struggled with over time. I’ve seen this happen to so many people for a long time and it is not a fun experience. I admit that knowing this has helped me see that I need to start DOING something with it. Yesterday was a wakeup call to that moment when during the compulsive act was either to allow the emotions to guide me in continuation or isolate them with an action that could put me in a place of clearer perspective. I believe yesterday came as the major step to actually putting the behavior in a more clearer perspective because from that moment of actualizing the situation in seeing what’s REALLY happening showed me that I was seeing my compulsive ritual in its functioning elements while doing it. Usually, I’d just give in to finishing the last few elements, but knowing where my mind is plays a part in how much aware I truly am.

In these compulsions, my head would be no other place, but inside my mind filled with fantasies, automatic thoughts, and many mental formations upon experiencing the immediate feelings from doing all of that stuff. Even to the point of thinking only of the immediate experience rather than the long-term consequences. I just think of random things when these happens and that is where I detract myself from wrongdoing. I stay inside my head for comfort. Not a good idea at all. In these thoughts, I ignore the effects the immediate emotional influences have had on my life in the past. I’d just be repeating all of my past exploits that I don’t want to commit to ever again. So, it is crucial, especially for my situation, to get the heck out of my head and think clearly.

I’m just doing my best right now to stay in line with what’s important and restore order in my emotions, so that emotional imbalances are cooled down so to speak. This crubby feeling from what I’ve wrote here is the representation of all these things I talked about. It’s like a feeling of breaking out of a disaster only to have to clean up after ourselves once we’ve made it out of there alive. Restore our minds and feelings from the effects that went on after getting out of there. Today, I am writing as a way to communicate myself out of this “disaster”, though I don’t really mean it was something so deep and traumatic. It’s just an event that needed to be managed, so I believe this event marked the moment of successfully breaking the chains of compulsive behavior. Now, it’s just me having to at least manage the other emotional events that come along from this day to the next.

4/5/12

Sleep

I noticed something that was going on this morning. I could describe it as a shift in my emotions. The emotional imbalances of my own drowsiness came to light today. I woke up this morning just feeling doozy and with those feelings came the perception that “I didn’t want to get up this early morning. I just wanted to go back to sleep.” Yet, knowing that by simply laying down, I’ll just sleep my way through unless I’m taking a nap that is. Knowing I would sleep my way those emotions means that I’d just turn down the opportunity to get up and have a nice breakfast, take a shower, and even waste my time trying to do the dishes which I did all those after getting out of bed.

Along with those feelings came on a residual moment which I call from the Bible, reap what you sow, is visual memories of pornographic/adult anime pictures I saw a long time ago. And I mean these images were a long time ago I tell ya that. Ya know, at that moment, I felt from interpretation that I’d better do something to manage the feelings induced by these memories. It’s not by coincidence they showed up. After all, they appeared while I still felt drowsy from waking up. Maybe, it’s the sleeping habits themselves. Maybe sleeping less on occasions seems highly problematic. Yet, I have a varied schedule of classes in four days a week that is the height of my sleeping problems. I have to manage the times I need to sleep pronto so I wake up early enough for school. Also, I do have other things I gotta do before bed and in the morning. I work by a to-do list schedule, so maybe I just need to learn how to make that time management schedule work for me. Do I want to get things done before bed or the next day? Do I want to have a fixed sleeping habit, so that when I wake up I have a routine fixed in? To be honest, Yes. I want to have a fixed-in schedule for sleeping.

Emotional Management

Well, I tried to deal with those drowsy feelings this morning. Sometimes managing the lows takes time. I tried to go to the bathroom to take a nice warm shower. That dumbed it down a bit giving myself some comfort. Then, I got dressed and worked on the clearing the dishes. That worked a little, but not as much as the shower. Primarily, there were some automatic thoughts that came about as I was doing this. Most of it were negative thus emotionally driven to handle the immediate triggers. I believe doing the dishes this early morning gave me the clue, but the whole event from the moment I woke up drowsy already tells me that the influence is all based on the “morning feeling”. If I had woken up refreshed and replenished from sleeping instead of feeling drowsy to perceiving that I needed more sleeping, would I have felt different while doing the dishes? It raises hairs asking this question, but it is worth looking at ya know. Then, here comes the breakfast which thanks to my Health Monitoring, I now know that I gotta eat me some breakfast though it wasn’t quite meaningful to monitor the traditional breakfast, lunch, dinner fiasco, but at least I knew that I needed to take care of my own body for starters. I gotta eat to restore energy and lessen the drowsiness, so that I have enough “MAN POWER” to wander outside to the bus and down to UC Berkeley.

I’d say I handled this situation probably with courage as I would have gotten away with another compulsive ritual which would have been masturbation or Prone masturbation. I saw that happening and coming up in my head while eating cereal and watching tv. I thought about that moment of thinking and wondered about the thought I had prior to that moment. I already started fixing my mind on the clock that very morning too. Maybe it wasn’t just the drowsiness, but the feeling derived from just thinking about the time I gotta make to get to the bus on time. And get to the school early enough to do what I need to do. Probably, throughout the sleeping morning feeling came this thought as well then there was anxiety. Calm and comfort came with the shower, but then dishes and breakfast came with more of this thinking. Probably at the moment of eating breakfast when I needed to hurry it up to beat the clock. I looked at the large clock a while eating breakfast and watching tv which this thought came to me in awareness. I told myself that maybe it would be best to consider the truth which was the bus wouldn’t come until after 7:10 pm. I was trying to get myself to understand that I’m not going to be late as there were two buses that come and one of them usually comes later than the other. And that I always make it on time regardless of which one I take. Although I didn’t think about the latter as much, but the former I thought of the most. The latter thought came just at this moment of writing this.

Thought Process

Along with all this emotional thing going on right here comes the moment of thought. The moment that I think of a lot of things, Automatic thinking. It’s a prevalent feature in my life that has proven to be a minor annoyance. My mind shoots all over the place. It starts to go to one direction and then to another. It becomes either negative, positive, visual, imaginative, and much more. Though I don’t have control over the automatic moment of thought, but I do have control over the emotions through managing by values. And with thoughts comes emotions. Sometimes emotions breed the thoughts. I remember times I got so anxious that I started having visual thoughts of the worst case scenario of a situation. Simply, managing the anxiety would stop the thinking pattern dead in its tracks. Then there is thoughts that come with the emotions, so I gotta manage the emotions to at least lessen the thoughts in the first place.

I got that throughout the bart station. Which is funny given that yesterday the same exact incident happened. I sat down with tons of thoughts going on that I ended up having memories of pornographic images. I tried to look into this brainstorm map for an assignment so that I get some ideas for the argument I wanted to make about it. Man, it is something I’m eager to look into with the instructor so I can’t wait. I do say that I fought it with words to bypass them with optimism. Then there is the moment of coming home to actually devise those ideas in the bathroom. Now I remembered a boundary that was being crossed on the train when those thoughts showed up because I couldn’t concentrate on the activity. The activity required some focus and attention, but I couldn’t get it from where I was. I decided to look at the map on the train intentionally so that I see if any value is challenged here. I understood that my value for peace which meant increased focus and concentration was indeed intruded upon. I responded with the boundary of saving that activity for a more quieter place to focus and concentrate via my bathroom at home as there are many siblings doing tons of stuff that I couldn’t concentrate on my work in.

Right now, I’m cool and getting ready to head for class. I do think that writing this is giving me some hope and insight regarding where I’m at right now in this process. What I’m doing and how I’m doing.

4/6/12

Them darn sexual fantasies were acting up again. Just earlier I got a sit in with visual thoughts of myself having sex with about 1 or 2 different girls I know at my university. Honestly, I liked these girls so much that I just imagined what it would be like to engage in a real intimate relationship with them. But at the same time, it is the looks that get me attracted and not as much as character.

Been around hearing a lot of different viewpoints on the beauty of women has often confused me. It is very subjective to someone like me on what makes a woman beautiful. I have a value that I’m using to “Be Courageous in my pursuit of a heterosexual relationship”. Yet it’s going to be improved as it has become a value with many issues that could not be mustered up other than the discouragement and anxiety derived out of approaching a woman. The funny part is that I have talked to many women since I was freakin born. I have engaged regular conversations with girls. And even made friendships, mainly superficial or long-term, with girls. The only thing I’m just realizing and having a EUREKA moment here is finding that I just don’t take a girl out on a date or attempt to ask a girl out. I have asked one girl out to a place to eat and they have brought me to a better place; which was okay assuming that I don’t need to be in a position to prove my male dominance by simply leading her around to places. But at the same time, it’s how to build that courageousness. What does it mean to be courage in this pursuit and how it works. Of course, I’ll talk to a dozen girls, but it’s not gonna do anything if I just talk, but don’t ask out.

Maybe the sexual fantasies that I had earlier today tread on the issues of shyness and lack of intimacy skills. Heck, I’ve not been on a date with a girl in my life. I have not asked a girl out on a date. Nor have I bothered to. I mostly preferred to continue with the amount of activities and work that I have been tasked to do while at school. It’s basically a VS battle in a video game. School VS Girlfried. Which is going to win? Neither if no balance is made when managing the values that support both. One value that supports school the most is “Developing effective study habits”. This value and the former can work out depending on how I base my choices in the situation. If I had to choose between going on a date with a girl vs. spending time at home to study for a midterm, I might do the midterm, but then again it goes back other values like “Time Management”. I think this is also teaching me the importance of having more than one value at work here. That is why I believe Coach Jon emphasis the 5 to 8 value active process, so that way we have more than one value to support our decision when we could have been struck with hardship trying to decide on two values; thus crippling the other leaving the rest of my life unbalanced until I come to RN with more values than two.

Sexual fantasies is like missing out on “The fun that everybody is experiencing”. Sex is indeed one of the prominent acts of human existence. It is not of a high value although for some it could be. For others, it could be just a brink of excitement and high emotions that it is just a “why not” phase. I don’t have anymore problems with sex when I haven’t engaged it. I’m not all for sex, but the engagement of it sounds exciting. Let alone feels excitement. It is more of getting to be with someone who I connect with that makes it more exciting. A random chick at a party who is sober for sex feels good then it is up to the person to figure out if it is a long-term relationship thing. Then I just am rambling on here about a lot of stuff that just seems to be my own interpretation from these sexual fantasies. I look back at myself and wonder maybe it’s time to change that value on relations into something that makes sense, more meaningful, and practical in nature so that I know for sure if it is workable.

4/7/12

I don’t know but I felt so much of burning right now. And so much of a slight head pain or something in between the eyebrows. And personally I don’t like this pain. My chest to throat area is like a fire that is just lighting up more and more as I continue to ponder in my head about something from my prayers. About saying something to my mother that I had just single-handedly thought to tell her and yet I ended up not only not saying it, but also receiving all these feelings and thought reactions. The funny thing is that I simply told myself encouraging words based on what the bible says then it continues. Then it goes on and on. The funny thing that is also coming out of this, is why am I experiencing this when I know deep down that some day a few family members are going to come to my church someday.

I consider this moment of emotional burst like the last one with less of a full throttle. The last one continued while I was on the internet nearly burning my eyes. This one is not burning my eyes; just adding some burning feeling near the chest. And some forehead pressure. But it just doesn’t add up to my value of faith. That I know deep down that anything I say or do or at least make a move on will not be too much of problem. It is a mind game right here. YA know what I mean.

When I think of mind games, this is got to be the big one. Though they are all not as worst as it feels and I know that when I feel something like this it doesn’t mean I’m at a loss. The one thing that keeps me alive as I experience this is knowing things. And with knowing things comes knowledge and of course, WISDOM. I mean wisdom tells me that whatever it was that had influenced this is not too much of a problem, but if it were to be looked further, I’d say a mix of all or nothing thinking is involved. This would mean I need to get my head into the right gears and started thinking the right way. Quit the self-doubts and get to steppin’ on this whole thing.
The influence of this is all down with how I look at things ya know. The perceptions that linger for long time after doing things. That go on and on until they are changed. I think things like these are not as threatening, but more enlightening. They inform me of matters that need immediate attention and changes within my value system. Like something within my value system is the reason why I got up like this. Some faulty thinking going on that stirred up my emotions. But I need to stop this and start thinking better from now on.

I felt this before many times. It goes way back to a moment when I once tried to convince my mother or somebody about things. At times, I felt this anxious need to try harder, yet whether I tried or not, I still end up like this. Especially when I’ve spent many days without acting out. Without getting myself into another compulsive ritual. Man oh Man, it just gets crazier and crazier after a while, but I am learning to get used to these emotional turmoil moments. I don’t know what else to call it, but I do understand that even though it gets to my mind at times on matters such as this when I start to place a mental force upon myself to do better on something. And even though I may have wisdom that tells me don’t do this so much, I still do it, so I’m going to learn from this and stop this mental battle system in its tracks. So, excuse me.

4/10/12

What went down the past two days?

As it is noticeable, I missed two days of journal writing (make that 3 days as Saturday I didn't write in my journal, but I managed to go through the day managing my emotions effectively with no relapse), praying, and much more as I lost myself from problems that I discovered which has less likely been resolved until I proactively and physically chose to do something about it. A problem can’t be solved if nothing is done to take good care of it. No action, no effect or influence at all. I relapsed for freakin’ two days straight completely dropping off the journal writing and other values that could have been developing those days. So, I look at this both with contempt and understanding.

Contempt

Knowing that I had fallen backward of the trail I was leading myself unto my vision. Knowing I have prioritized values at my feet abandoned once again by my actions. Knowing that I turned away from the moment I came face to face with an urge on my laptop, which happened to be where I relapsed, indeed is a problem that I must face. I accepted the consequences whole-heartedly yesterday though questionable how much I accepted it Sunday which with my own reactions to emotional troubles sparked from the consequences I brought back into my life that nearly intruded upon my mind and distracting me from a genuine life indeed sparked the trouble into my life once again. And with little role-playing last week and lack of practice on visualization and action plan development, and slow down on completing lessons on RN, this to my perspective almost came in as inevitable, though in reality, it is not inevitable nor is it unavoidable. It can be stopped.

Understanding

When it seemed like all has failed, I, having turned my mind into a wonderous laboratory openly aware of my feelings and how from my own feelings induce the shift in behavioral patterns or thinking patterns over time. I spent all of last week since I wrote in my journal entries, which has helped me a great deal in analyzing my own thoughts and feelings and interpretations or perceptions at the time I wrote them. I began to understood that it’s not the triggers or urges that I should worry about. It’s how I look at them and what I do about them. It’s my reactions as Coach Mel said in one of my threads. The very reaction I committed as soon as I experienced significant issues regarding urges or trigger situations and emotional imbalances indeed was to relapse. To simply go on a website and look at Porn. My reaction was that alone to the very thoughts and feelings experienced at the time. I could imagine easily now that if I were on the computer at that time without experiencing whatever triggers or the triggers said to have completely settled down where there is “no significant effect” occurring on my emotions, then I could safely say I’d probably wouldn’t bother looking up porn when I already “feel fine”.

Basically, the key I’m seeing here is balance. It’s just balancing our emotions so they are not as unstable as we “think” they are. Because in reality from what I’ve read, they are not unstable, but they can be influential in how we live our lives and the direction we have. They could become unstable when we heavily base our decisions and livelihood on pure emotion alone. Because if I’m at a job that I enjoy for a week and don’t like it, I might want to, IMHO, quit the job or come up with a faulty reason to sue just to get my money’s worth then jump to the next job then to the next job. I might even consider stealing as a hobby because it “feels good”. Or even switch hobbies when the previous hobby I used to have didn’t have the “satisfaction” I used to feel when I engaged it. So, now I engage porn, and that is my hobby. I kid on this latter statement, but it is a point that I understand on how simple emotion like excitement can play a trick on me which in the past, it has done so. I understand that both positive and negative emotions must be managed, not just the negative otherwise there is this sense of positive energy that a single thought that triggers the relapse could be “I feel so good right now and that I overcame it, I’m going on the internet to look at random videos” which could be a threat depending on ones highest values.

I have also learned that I have problems with a few relatives, neglect in praying habits, and problems concerning time management. I found the culprits so far at work on my day to day life. Time management has been that challenging value in my life I have been trying to master for years. With my laboratory at work, I found that the resulting relapse involved induced pressures from assignment demands and exams as well as last minute work, misuse of prioritization method, and procrastination. I reviewed my prioritization method and classified specifically which activities would fit into each category of Steven Covey’s 4 Quadrant grid so when I see myself doing something, I can tell if it is related to any of the URGENT-IMPORTANT or NOT-URGENT – IMPORTANT quadrants. I like this as I become aware of doing something I know I’m not supposed to do. Especially if it is wasting time on the internet. Then there is neglect in reviewing Bible notes, not praying when I have the opportunity to, and not studying my lecture notes.

In addition, I have lost much trust and comfort with at least two relatives in my life. I still talk to them it’s just that I had experienced much insecurity throughout the weeks when they were around. It all had to do with my emotional experiences with them in the past. So I decided to refocus myself on a new value, Rebuilding my trust and comfort in my two relatives (names partially hidden). I am concentrating on the little things that I already do with them and things I haven’t been doing with them which are baby steps for the time being. I have faith and hope that as this value evolves and strengthens, so will reduce/eliminate the emotional conflicts, perceptions and behaviors that I’ve induced in the past with my relatives for a long time.

4/11/12

Since yesterday, I still feel that mental pressure that just doesn’t seem to go away. I’m thinking it still lingers from looking at the computer, but then again it comes out of frustrations with engaging in behavior that conflicts with my values. Especially that of time. I’m grateful that I went into my boundaries to manage the intrusion and updated them today. It is very important to protect my values from getting interrupted ya know. I find that the more I get involved with changing and updating my boundaries and my values, the more I get to know them and personalize them. I mean, this head thing right now is just almost distracting, but I don’t care. It ain’t going to distract me for too long because after reviewing that nice little excel graph of last week, I’m beginning to understand the confidence I had last week that allowed me to see the emotions for what they really were, finite.

Honestly, I don’t what to say other than despite the relapse, I succeeded at seeing beyond the emotions. Paying attention to how they operate. Seeing how they correlate to my life. How I have used them all these years to manipulate my every move and to accommodate the damage that I continuously caved into whenever I felt the urge or experienced a trigger. I have had mental problems of different sorts that could have mislead me to be in fear of certain people or events in my life. In fact, I have a thought right now of the reaction I could receive if I bring up this topic to my mother, but I don’t give a shit.

I could laugh about this now because it is only a feeling that is left to interpret. And a feeling that is left to interpretation is left with my own interpretations. And if I interpret it in a way that doesn’t correlate to my emerging value system then I’m in a whole whirl of trouble. I mean, what could I do if I couldn’t gain anything from doing all this or what not. I mean come on. How could I gain anything if I just repeat the same whirl of trouble of acting out and giving in constantly. I’ve done that before and am tired of it. I just find myself right now ready to make a decision about something on going on home versus staying to eat while at a university. So, here I go.

4/12/12

Today I’m still recoverying and also thinking about a lot of things. I’m also considerate on the lot of things that come to be something I’m considering of looking into. In the meantime, I see that I’m back into that full state of awareness when I start to be more considerate of my actions and reactions and whether or not it is value related. I see the feelings like I did the week before when I started recognizing the underdeveloped life management system I had. I started to see the reactions and see if I’m truly acting in the values that I have in place. I’m sure I am now and also aware of any behaviors that I could be doing to violate my own emerging value system. In fact one of them was spending my time on the computer with something non-value based. Boy, that was a huge problem and now I’m free out of that problem. I think that maybe it is all come down to awareness ya know. The moment which we take our understanding and really dig deep into it. I’ve yet to explore more which is why this short in the first place, but I do know is the one key when looking at addiction which I’ll share in the lesson exercise on Perceiving addiction: it’s the conscious awareness of the things we do and how we act that makes my life more prolific and valuable than it is not knowing. And addiction takes that awareness away and limits that awareness from ever occurring.

4/17/12

I'm about to blow my mind right now. I am having so many thoughts right now that it just seems overwhelming. I'm just getting myself out of this mess for the time being. I'm just lingering onto false to true things ya know. I just can't seem to think ya know. Like I have no mind on anything except how I feel right now. Ya know, like a drug. A mind that is extremely focused on something specific and stays that way. I could control it or hinder it. But then I'd just be causing more pressure. I feel tired from all the hardwork stuff that I just gotta take care of given that I have been at it for a few days cramming on time that I'm struggling to handle so that I get my work done on time. That I have hit the last minute remark so many times in the past it feels or thinks like I just don't have it anymore.

I got around an all or nothing pressure today. It came automatically saying that I had to waste so much time on trying to change anything about what I do and why I do it. In my own head, it's looked at as “I just do it”. No need to change it. Just a “just do it” attitude that is blatently complacent and filled with boredom. “No need to change anything about me, I'm alright”attitude. No, I'm not alright right now with this kind of thinking going around. I get the idea that its my own thinking that counts and I'm responsible for what goes in my thoughts. I'm responsible for the content of my thoughts, but then again I can't hold myself accountable for every thought. Because the thoughts mostly are automatic. I can't stop the thoughts from coming in. I could turn to alternative activities more often while reducing the area in which the thoughts come from. I could make a difference in those perecptions turning them all down for there lack of clarity and forgetfullness of who I know myself to be. My integrity.

These thoughts are a way to handle most of my life. And do thing that make up my life. Negative thiinking and all or nothing thinking are indeed a way to manage a vast majority of my life. And I gotta change that to something that will influence me more better into doing the right thing. I gotta learn to do the right thin if I'm going to live right.

This is a note to myself but if anybody comes by and wants to leave a comment or something, feedback HELPS!!! Since I have lived my life throughout the years going from a daily unhealthy acting out cycle to a weekly relapse cycle, It woke up recently as a reminder to consider new strategies. Being at home on the weekends or presumably my "end of the week" relaxation from school are spots in which I have been most vulnerable. The events surrounding them from my family to my relationships to my other areas of my life have indeed played on the factors behind the relapses, and have been almost ignored during complacent moments. I recognized the seriousness behind these vulnerable spots after looking at missing journal days which just about all of the journals occur on the weekdays with at least one on a weekend in April. Given that I already have this information down I'm deeply concerned of a fake-out. A moment which has been recognized to me as the point in a given week when I start to look at something as if I just discovered it recently when it has been known about for the past few weeks. I had that happened almost on several occasions and I don't know why. Obviously, this is the addict talking, in my opinion. Right now, I'm getting myself out of my head to see this game that I'm playing with myself. And I don't like it when I find myself doing this. I know that this is all part of the consequences of addiction. To have some of the factors of my addiction like negative thinking, delusions, and more entrap me into "my own world". I get like this especially after rebooting my mind from a terrible relapse. Don't know if it happens all the time even when I'm not acting out, but it is just another one of those tricks I might be playing to get back into the order of addiction. I got a lot of things that I got clear up on my mind today as far as changing the way I'm doing things with values and much more. But I wonder that maybe posting this on here may indeed help me out

4/27/12

Ya know, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately. Earlier today, I have been thinking about some situations that has happened today. For instance, after doing all those good prayers earlier today and moving onto LMC for game day, I’m suddenly getting helpless thoughts on lots of things. For instance, I saw a girl earlier at the bart station crying on the phone. It sounded like she had some problems with a relationship or something. I’m one who doesn’t get involved with anybody else’s affairs as much though. I’d only get involved if it were involving me personally. I didn’t think of it as much other than try to give her a rhapsody. Although she was mostly on the phone as the bus picked me up, so I didn’t want to miss the bus after I just got back on it.

I don’t know what to say on this incident, but it is getting me to wonder about my thoughts. The way I’ve been thinking about prayer and after my prayer. When I pray in petition, I think to myself as if I’m helpless or powerless to do anything. But God can do all things. I think maybe if I think I don’t have personal control over something, I start to think that way. Maybe it is the perception that needs to change after all it has come from an addict mindset of giving up or thinking certain things were inevitable. I used to think like that A LOT and indeed it was not healthy. Maybe I just need to consider the problems I’ve been having in my thinking ya know. A similar helpless thinking pattern has occurred a lot when I just sat in the computer lab just now. And now I’m wondering about that too. I kept on thinking about what some people are doing and wasn’t sure if they were doing it, robbery or something. Maybe they weren’t but it was in my own head to think of it as such. It even got to a point when I started thinking to myself that I was helpless to do anything. Like I couldn’t stand against them or didn’t have a chance or I could have been wrong. It became a method of self-doubt.

I think this misses out on the idea and understanding that whatsoever things are pure, honest, true, of good report, of virtue, and of praise, we meditate on these things. This thinking may be a response or reaction to neglecting to read the Bible and study it further. I’ve stated the verses unto my life throughout the week and on various situations, but I have not gotten back to reading the Bible nor studying it. I am reading How to Pray effectively, but I still had these thoughts. I am responsible for dealing with my own mind and doubting, so I’ll do something about this. I understand that maybe I need to review Faith and Being an Inspiration to Others because those two values come into play in this as well. I don’t know about Being Part of a Team, but as I understand what values are involved with this, I will make the necessary changes possible.

I think the origin has been the life I have lead all these years. Helplessness is a pattern that has been developed in the Addict for such a long time. It becomes then a pattern of learned helplessness. I’ve gotten used to watching things and observing things, but to get involved in a lot of things to my mind was like a risk factor. A harmful factor. A death factor. That is the perception I have had on my own life for years. This goes back to what CoachJon says in the very first lesson on the workshop, concerns with our own mortality. That we may fear the length of time we have to live so we try to do things to “avoid” trouble and even death. But it’s funny how such things have lingered in my mind for years and now I see that this is the wrong thinking. Because Jesus Christ put the keys to death and hell in me. That means that I am in control of death and life. And because I only speak life and not death, death can’t take me down. It just can’t. And I understand this thinking because it builds in us wisdom on how to live longer. Wisdom on how to live a long prosperous life whether our lives taken from us. Even Christ spoke death near the end when he was on the cross. HE gave his life on that last moment. Now I look at this type of thinking as not of all or nothing or delusional, but with greater understanding that as one thinks of such things, so are they as such things. That the thinking can actually center around the person that we create ourselves to be. So, I’m understanding that if I’m going to get better in my life, I gotta start building my values and changing the way I think because with such thinking, I’m already making my life miserable or making it to the death that I may think, distortedly that I don’t want to have.

Lesson 15 – A Healthy Perception on Addiction

Take a minute to review what you have learned over the past two weeks. Of what you have learned so far, think of one example of how you have actively integrated that information into your day-to-day life. Share this in your personal thread.

Well, it occurs to me that what I learned can best be described based on a few lessons I reviewed and tools I used. And also some key things in connection with the Bible:

Urge Awareness

This is a topic that I integrated last week when I used the Urge Management Worksheets. I recalled beforehand, and years back, how I used to use this. I thought I barely got anything from it. I just used it for the sake of using it when I needed to see what urges happened, but I used it a few times then stopped. Here I am using the worksheets again, but fortunately, I’m starting to see something from this worksheet that is getting me to understand how awareness works. Recalling many of the lessons about absolute honesty, values, boundaries, and emotions, it comes clear that the awareness CoachJon wants us to have is not the type where you are just fully aware that you are engaging a ritual. It’s the awareness that involves both consciousness and physical. The kind of awareness that at the moment which the urge comes, you recognize this and quickly bust out those Proactive Action Plans. The awareness that you are engaging your values and conscious of those value opportunities than just the compulsive ritual opportunities.

Lately, I’ve been taking out my proactive action plans willingly and more often just about every moment I run into a difficult decision and when the urge feeling arises. Why? Well, I have a value that is called “Making my own Decisions”. That is the point in which this lesson became very important to me not just for managing urges and developing efficient urge control skills, it is going to be part of my entire life. I mean, throughout my life, I have made decisions only by just emotions or spur of the moment scenarios. In fact, it makes sense to ingrain this method when we as addicts in our past has relied on emotions for so long to make choices (primarily addictive and unhealthy) because of the PONR. I understood that this PONR is not real, but in our minds. And how it got into our minds was based on the experience we developed growing up relying on those emotion-based choices that has made up our compulsive rituals of the now. The effects engaging addiction has had an impact on our value system. This is something that I find so important right now that I still have my proactive action plans near me just about wherever I go, so that I have a backup plan to turn to when I run into challenging decisions.

Developing Emotional Maturity

The things I said previously indeed backup much of the learning in this emotional maturity lesson. Creating a break provides me a more rational, clear perspective on the amount of power I have when making decisions. When I focused so much on the act, I felt the urge or emotions to drive me to look into it or engage it. In other words, the more I thought of the act, the more I drove myself emotionally to want it. Once the break is created, I am given a straight guideline that will provide me enough benefits so that I don’t lose focus or awareness as I make the right decisions.

Next to this connection comes the application of emotional maturity, I learned something from this lesson that is most valuable that I wish I could have grasped earlier. It’s a perception. It’s a perceived intensity of our emotions that although subjective proves that it is our own addictive, ingrained perceptions about our emotions are false. That it’s beyond our own control, and beyond one’s capability to cope and handle. This I could say still would have supported the PONR if such ingrained thoughts were to continue.

In connection to that perception, it is the conscious reality that all our emotions that we
experience are finite. That these emotions can never be as intense as we believe they were to be.
Although our response maybe intense to certain stimuli, but it is not out of the ordinary. It is the
center of all human behavior. It’s the same emotional response to a stimuli with no difference at
all. (I.e. two stimuli events trigger anxiety -- although one might be described as more intense of
a response than the other, they are relatively the same.) Because there are so many people in the
world, the intensity could be considered boundless from an individual perspective as almost
everybody can see their emotional intensity level different than other people. But the reality is
that as all human beings alike, we all have the same emotions within a relatively small range of
intensity. That is the reality.

The Addict mindset has skewed our perception about emotions thus also the all other areas of their lives. In short, if the addict experienced an emotional imbalance at some point, say with family, and needed to deal with it, their perception would guide them to turn to porn or MB so that they can relieve themselves of that feeling. Unfortunately, by simply looking at that feeling as beyond control or beyond human capability, they will start to give in without effort and without control. But the healthy individual would see it as a high feeling of intensity in the scale of intensity, but actually within their hands. I think of it as a cup of java or bowl of soup. That range is so small that it could be the drink in your hand. Yet that drink is in YOUR HANDS. That means that if you run into a stimuli with an intense response, you have the CONTROL and power to do anything with that cup. It’s YOUR cup that you’re managing and it’s definitely a small range than you previously thought.

It deals effectively with a range. Because it is focused on a small range just like what has been said over and over again, it only operates within that range; no further. So every freakin emotion that we all experience operates within that small range of intensity. Nothing more. That is all, so it gets me to wonder how I didn’t get this.

Considering that the overall notion of this concept is our perceptions, or should I call it the “addict mindset,” I decided to do something special: Turn Emotional Maturity into a value-based option. A proactive action plan so when I bust out my sheet with the absolute boundaries, I could use it as a proactive guideline whenever I feel something that stirs up urges or experience the urge itself. Even as a guideline for when I encounter any emotion that I might look at as “this doesn’t feel right. Not normal at all.” The plan is right here:

Proactive Action Plan: Emotional Maturity

1. Remember the cup -- It is in your hands. It can never go beyond you. It’s small. It holds a liquid substance that is under YOUR control. The choice is yours in this.

2. Be wary of your emotions from now on whenever you’re engaged in some kind of intense or varied emotional response to a stimuli.

3. Recognize with confidence that we all have the same emotional experiences within a small range of intensity.

4. Always apply your Proactive Action plans to any situation that revolves around emotional influences within a stimulated response.

5. Realize that it’s all in your head; That it’s a perceptual thing. It’s how you look at your own emotional experiences that account to how you respond to the situation.

Plus, it helped me get the full understanding of it when I compared this “more power to ya” idea to the Bible. I don’t know about you, but when it comes to being a Christian, even Christians go through emotional situations that they gotta manage as well. Even learning from the Bible, all the people who it talks about including Jesus Christ met fire with moments of emotional issues/temptations, in such they needed to have guidelines to follow. Proactive action plans to stay in touch with and at most, it was God’s Word that they relied on. In such, the Bible contained the materials needed for all Christians to use whenever they were struggling with any situation, including ones of emotions. The greatest I got between the Bible and this lesson is that as individuals we have the power to do anything including making our own decisions. The Bible teaches me how to live my life as a Christian, how others lived it, how they managed their lives with the Word, and so forth. No emotions can hold us down if we build ourselves up in managing them; plus, changing the way we think about them. So, it’s quite ironic, but also makes sense to strengthen our values, especially the value I have as a Christian, put them to work, and build experience/skills in them so that we perfect ourselves into the healthy lifestyle we desire to live.

Lesson 16 - Understanding Addiction I

I looked closely at each current compulsive ritual I've engaged in thus far and came up with this list of positive roles that they play in managing my life overall:

Pornography

- Stress Management
- Manage Boredom
- Sexual Fulfillment
- Induced Excitement
- Feel Euphoric or sense of euphoria
- Ease of fulfilling curiousity - Finding answers to something
- Solving problems (which to me almost seemed similar to fulfilling curiousity because it's like I'm finding answers to a problem by looking at porn which to me at those times I've acted out, it became more easier to search for porn than to spend time trying to get something I want besides porn)
- Self - esteem
- Develop privacy
- Self-indulgence
- Autonomy

Sexual fantasy

- Escape Problems
- Indulge in Imagination
- Sexual engagement
- Fulfill sexual desires
- manage anxiety and worry

Masturbation by hand

- Reduce Stress
- Relief & Comfort
- A sense of accomplishment
- Fulfill sexual desires for women
- Euphoria

Masturbation by prone position

- Self-exploration
- Be creative
- Goal fulfillment
- Manage boredom
- Overcome obstacles
- Privacy
- Sexual fulfillment (especially as it is imagined sexual activity but with objects)
- Sense of freedom
- Manage anxiety and worry

Scanning

- Stress Management
- Build excitement and pleasure
- Strengthen longing for attraction towards opposite sex
- Indulge in imagination
- Euphoria
- Autonomy

That is what I got so far. If I uncover more I'll definitely add them. Also, compared these roles with the values I have listed and it looks like at least every value plays a role in these areas listed above. For example, Autonomy is fulfilled by way of making my own decisions, honesty, and living with integrity. But I don't need to have all my prioritized values fulfill one of these roles right? meaning if one 3 values fulfill one role while all of them fulfill another then it should be alright. I mean I checked and it looks like most of my prioritized values actually hit each role. Thinking about that lesson on consistency (Lesson 14 I believe).

6/3/12

I just want to clear about relationships. I had so many love drives lately that it's not funny. There are girls that I actually liked the most, but getting to the know them is the challenge. It is challenging in the sense of getting to know if they are the person that I'm looking for. If they fit my own criteria of that perfect woman in my life that will accept me. That will not reject me because of my past. That has certain qualities that I have faith in. That I have this girl in my heart, but who she is becomes the obstacle. Although I have attempted to get to know some girls, yet I'm still unsure if some of those girls fit who I want to be with in the future. I'm starting to look at those positive roles of sexual fulfillment. It gets me to wonder how such a role can be fulfilled especially through dating. Though I don't want to rush into a relationship for sex and fun. It's more about getting to know the person that I'm interested in. It's getting across myself to this person and confirming if that person is willing to be with someone like me. Not that I'm going to reveal the details of my past at that first meeting or something, but when the time comes after some get togethers, dates, and meetups with that special someone, I'll definitely be open about myself. The things I did, that I'm not proud of, but accepting responsibility for. To me, that makes me a real man than seeking sex in a relationship. Or trying to have sexual relations with someone I don't even know.

I mean I'm not trying to go for a relationship where fulfillment is just sex. See I look back at that role after marking it down only to understand that it is the body of my lover that I desire, but only when acceptable. Meaning, if we're agreed upon this then ok. But it's something that I'm not ready to pursue yet which is why at times I'm a little more cautious when seeking a relationship. I used to be so afraid of having a relationship with a girl because of the things I've done, but now having prayed to God about all this, I'm starting to understand that I'll not have that girl in my life if I am not fulfilling my values by pursuing one. One of my values is to learn to be myself and be brave when it comes to seeking a relationship with the opposite sex. I use that value to be more respectable to women because it doesn't say I should have sex or anything immediately. It instead encourages interpersonal interaction of the self and the woman to understand each other. To understand and accept who she is, if it is characteristics I'm seeking. Though it's not created to judge others because they don't fit the criteria, but rather to want to understand and accept them for who they are. I believe that as I do that, I may find that many others want to do the same for my gracious mercy. In fact, I see that some day I'll meet that special someone who does the same thing. I'm going to hold onto it in faith, but if I'm not strengthening this value, it's just worthless. Or just sitting there with no purpose to serve when not pursued.

Sometimes, I think I would be judged if I tried pursuing dating or anything based on my current situation. I don't drive right now and this comes as an obstacle for me. Of course, I have asked a few girls bravely to go out to eat or something but that was because we were on campus grounds and walking distances apart. When it comes to going other places, I'm not driving. I find that almost like an obstacle to this, but I am considering driving as an opportunity and goal (maybe) to make going places a lot easier. Plus, I get to go where ever I want so hah :). But even so, I'll still take time to have conversations with a girl to get to know them before asking them out then as I get familiar with them and if I really want to give the go ahead, I'll ask them out. To me, it is not my first time asking a girl out on a date, it's just dealing with the emotional issues at the time I did this. It was trying to manage the situations with my values that I didn't know how to handle at all. I look at myself now and wonder if I'm ready. I believe I am, I just need to figure out for myself how to pursue this. Where to begin and what to do about all this. It will help me out on this matter once and for all. :)

Besides, I once had a very great dance with a girl at an anime convention. She looked so beautiful and cute that I was happy to have engaged a dance with her. Wow. Although she may have had a boyfriend as I saw her walking out with some dude, so I don't know about that :( I don't know what would have happened if I asked for her number. I know that I'm finding myself more excited to attend an open event where there are girls so that I may even get the chance to meet one and get to know them. Although I'm being a little more cautious about this because at the same time I want to get to know a girl and start a relationship, but I find myself even more pleased to want to be real close to them. And I mean real CLOSE to them. I'm thinking it is sexual closeness as far as actually sleeping around and stuff. Which is why I'm being cautious because if that is the case, then I'm putting my values in jeopardy here. I don't want sleeping around; I just want to engage in an interpersonal relationship with the opposite sex. Though I do accept sex as a common closeness for most couples, yet I'm just starting to understand sex. I'm just getting myself involved with seeking a relationship with a girl. If I wanted to pursue sex, I'd use a condom. Of course though, if I wanted to get to know the gal than just trying to have sex with them, I'm thinking that is what will make me proud though I may want to engage in the sex itself. So for me, I'm making sure that I step back and think these things through ya know. I'm not going to let my own emotional reactions take the better of me. I'm going to do my best to respond with my values. Besides, I wouldn't mind meeting a lady, but it's more about wanting to strengthen acceptance and close intimacy with a girl that I've never ever dealt with nor pursued before. It is somewhat new to me, but I know I'm going to do my best to strengthen the values I have in this circumstance.

6/4/12

First things first, I just want to say, Guided, if you come by my thread then read this: I’ll take the time to review your posts. There were some things I’d like to say to you in that thread and Kenzo as well. I am going to correct some things that were misunderstood when I wrote my message that were not intended to be as you may have found confusing and what not. As for the post from FT via CoachBoundless, I’ll look over the post on my thread again, but I’ll be assessing my progress and motivation at least to ensure where I’m at before reading. I say this because I found myself at times absorbing information when I “felt like it” which is the thing that has lead me to be on here mislead by my own thinking (irrational thinking and emotional perceptions) from gaining true understanding and meaning from the lessons. So, I’ll be checking out this information tomorrow so that I can provide my answers with a clear conscience and open, sound mind. This isn’t an excuse I’m making to say that I’m not going to gain anything by reviewing it now as it is getting night time for me and I love a good rest, so it is respect to my need to have good sleep while also completing one more to-do list task for today which is writing this journal entry in my thread.

Okay. Now I am going onto something that I know that is not healthy for me. That I am grateful that I have received this response by Guided, I believe that I’m engaging a recovery/relapse cycle. Though I am not sure if this is actually happening as I am not familiar with the different characteristics and practices of a person who acts in recovery/relapse cycle, but I can learn from that lesson on Unhealthy recovery patterns which I looking at its context, addresses the concerns of various thought and behavioral patterns of people who seek recovery. I’m just wondering about the following pattern and breaking it down to understand its problem:

Act out a single compulsive ritual near or at the end of the week.

This single behavior has been happening to me almost each and every week. So right here I’m thinking of breaking this down further to maybe see if there is more to it than meets the eye. Maybe I could connect them to any other possible similar pattern of behavior that is listed in the Unhealthy Recovery Patterns.

Engages in a relapse – or just engages a compulsive ritual/ritual chain close to the end of the week. Constant cycle of engagement almost all the years or mostly after one or two years from joining the workshop.

Often feels and finds guilt/shame in engaging the behavior once they have moved further down the ritual almost to the point of reaching the rituals ending element. Subjected to continuation of the ritual when first becoming aware of engaging it.

Stopped taking out proactive action plan sheet recently even though it was done before especially when an urge trigger occurs to create a break. Mostly presumed to be “memorized” or used when it comes to the mind though urge control is still needing development.

Starts thinking about hiding or covering up something at first when something I did comes back up for someone else to likely stumble by, yet convince myself that it’s not about hiding, but more about changing what I’m doing with my life and going forward without any reminders that could bring about more triggers.

Experience “extreme” emotions/feelings at the pit of my stomach and mind. To an extent, give into it either at the time I experience it or after it subsides to regain feelings experienced by looking at pornographic video/images or masturbating.

Feel as if at the time of experiencing the pit and having experienced the weekly relapse problem, the urge is something to be worried about or even feared. That I could be engaging another relapse situation at any moment especially after having acted out so much each week.

Feel as if I need to experience the highs of ‘addiction’ close to the end of the week or at the time of a “intense” urge especially after not acting out on a compulsive ritual for even more than 5 days.

Sees addiction as a mental problem – a problem of the mind and our perceptions on our everyday life. Not mental health issue, but a problem that is based on how I have been perceiving my life.

Ignored times, not often, but a few or some at least, when I experienced an urge/thought about doing a ritual to recognize/recall absolute boundaries.

Experience a sense of fear when it came to my emotions surrounding a single event. However, I look at the event as a whole as if it is “terrible” when it is my own emotions that actually are the reason that I think of it as “terrible”.

Continue to think in some way that the feelings experienced or the situation itself that comes with the feelings is “inevitable” when the urges are faced. Anxious when dealing with urges.

When I successfully separate myself from an area or place with an reactive action plan that I was about to engage in internet porn/masturbation, I feel inadequate as if I can’t do without those things. As if to think that by even getting myself away from the computer, that I would be denying myself the opportunity to do anything else I planned to do such as work on something on my to-do list that involves the computer which is what I moved away from in the first place to stop myself from engaging internet porn.

Primarily focused on ending the patterns of addiction. (This last part is getting me to think twice about my own motivation).

Repeating patterns of behavior that I want to change every week. Not all patterns, but some like my sleeping habits.

Find times to sneak around or do it at the time of giving myself up to the urge when nobody is around. Finding the trump card and using it as an opportunity.

Believing/Thinking that others are going to get me to do something I don’t want to do. That I’ll be acting as someone else because of others – lack of control/autonomy so to subject decisions based on others especially immediately after getting out of relapse.

After acting out, reluctance to talk about it grows – fear of being ridiculed becomes the perception. Taking away opportunity for honest growth and support.

“In my head” almost a lot throughout the week. Mostly imagining things and/or fantasizing which ends up leading to sexual fantasy.

Work with one tool, but don’t use another or do less with it. Sometimes as a result of laziness/complacency.

Although these are subjective, I’m just trying to figure out what’s been going wrong with me during these times. It’s like I don’t seem to “get it” ya know. I do know that if I look at these based on those Unhealthy Recovery Patterns in the lesson, I may find out more and at least start thinking about what to do with these patterns. I definitely want to change them, but I gotta know where these things lie.

6/7/12

Talk with Mom

I couldn’t believe myself when I had just received a slight headache. That slight headache was caused by thinking and believing that all the things that I have prayed for about Cassie and Trisha were wrong. And now I understand that this is indeed a “lying vanity”. It is simply a distraction from God’s Word. It is something that I realized conflicts with my highest values especially the value of faith. By thinking like this, I’m creating “imaginations” in my head that “she’s still lying” and “she’s not going to get better” or whatnot. What I realized is that I missed the context. I didn’t listen to what my mother was talking about. My mother actually confessed her feelings and thoughts/concerns about the situation with Cassie. That it still bugs her, but she has chosen to give it to God that God will do something about it. This is the last part I had missed.

In my mind, I centered my focus on upholding my faith, but in an effort, my faith “felt” like it was challenged. Or so I thought. It was challenged mainly by my own thinking and perceptions of the situation. In other words, human reasoning. Because I’m getting out of my addictive habits I am learning that this type of perception that has lingered on for so long has indeed affected my thinking about what she said as a “lying vanity”. Though I have caught the lying vanity, it wasn’t her, it had to do with how I looked at what she said. The last part she just said involved that God is going to fix Cassie and Trisha, which is what I’ve been praying about ever since. And because I have God calling me to do my part in passing the message like I did today with Cassie and with bringing the Word into physical manifestation, there is nothing to worry about. So particularly, this thought process was about to influence a headache and influence me to believe that my mother has control over me. As if she is Lording over me, when she isn’t. She is not lording over me actually; it is my own perceptions that have developed after going through problems with life management that has created this perception.

Plus, as I understood this perception, it is one of many leading causes or factors towards engaging in addictive activity. In artificial highs and means. It is in the wrong boat. So I’m going to consider the origins and understandings of my perception so that it is changed once and for all.

Sleeping Patterns

I couldn’t help but wonder about my sleeping patterns again. I realize that I feel much more better staying in bed even after the alarm clock goes off then getting out of it. The feeling of sleep is so euphoric and relaxing that I have this attitude of “who needs to get up when you could rest and do nothing.” Like I don’t need to do anything to get up. I find that as I continue to stay asleep, I don’t even want to get up. So I sleep longer by just the feeling of sleepiness. However, the value in it is meaningless because the true value is peace and through sleep there is peace, but that peace is supposed to be everlasting. Sleep isn’t the only thing to rely on when strengthening and building peace. I also rely on positive self-talk and positive thinking. And calm music and much more. So when I think about it, this act of sleep becomes almost self-centered. It is subconsciously gratified by the emotions themselves. It doesn’t serve peace well if I stay in bed longer because sleep serves peace by resting, but in a fixed manner. By have sleep from a specific time to a specific wake up time, I making life easier for me by strengthening my inner peace and building energy when I wake up in the morning so that I know how to get better at what I do. That way, when I wake up, I’m not disturbed at all.

Now the alarm clock serves not to disrupt sleep nor peace, but to wake me up out of sleep so that my peace prolongs itself with tremendous energy and “excitement”. Excitement is one of the roles that most of my addictive habits tend to play as. That means that if I wake up well-rested from the specific time slots given, I’m actually building my way towards feeling excitement. Then I’m more eager to bust out and create a to-do list to start my day and even brush my teeth and what not. It would help me out greatly so that I know how to derive energy from this single act. Although, I gotta be careful as early as I wake up for I need to implement that excitement into value-based action even after waking up.

This will prevent any possible MB habits in case I don’t have anything else to do. I need to strengthen this area of my life with something else value-based. Maybe operate this like a chain in a ritual, but with a chain of values so that way I have a way to satisfy that role of excitement and build the inner peace I’m talking about.

6/8/12

Although I may feel some depression for hearing what I wanted to hear from CoachBoundless, I accept this discomfort as a means of honesty and personal development. I've living years for so long on RN with a little shread of hope and effort for the first year or two then later to have endlessly fell on my "own side" years later still on RN. I'm not too amazed or shocked as it had been recognized as my failure to pursue my life that is healthy and stabilized. I'm at that stage of questioning my own motivation and commitment thanks to CoachB -- and I mean that with respect not dissent or outrage. I wanted to hear this honesty from someone about my progress because deep down after reading Guided's post I already knew I turned my own life upside down doing this. I'm not sure if I put up a facade or just didn't find my way out. Just entrapped myself in my own web. But who am I fooling? Others and myself. Both sides are fooled and I'm living like a "fool" not turning this addiction around. So, I ain't walked in recovery as I originally thought in my own world and mind that I was. But I am grateful I talked to CoachB. about all this, it helped me get onto reality that this isn't a life of progress when ya continue acting out each week. And I just wonder, what is true progress in recovery anyway? How do you measure it, ya know? That is what ran into my mind for quite some time before receiving CoachB's response, but I learn that it doesn't really matter until I have really identified myself with a true commitment and true understanding of myself. Though I don't say this with a typical smile of "I'll do my best", I'm saying it with no smile and real expression of seriousness.

Though I could sit here and consider myself a burden to every person on RN, but that would be just asking for pity. So, given the response I got, I'll just do what CoachB. says about reviewing my vision again. I don't care anymore about how long it will take for me to invest time in my vision. All I know is that if I invest my time with myself more longer, I'll get something. So CoachB., if you see this message, I'll return with a more clear vision this time and if I just can't seem to get down with writing a clear vision, I'll let you know. I am not going to write down anything that is just meaningless anymore. I need change in my life that is more sincere. And that is why I sent CoachB. that message because I knew after Guided's post that my whole living has been based on the addiction, even though many values were put into practice. I am still practicing those values that have been ingrained and helpful, but I'm still going to do what CoachB. says regardless.