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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 11:06 pm 
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Lesson 1, Exercise A.
Of the motivating factors discussed in the lesson, I am not doing this to please others (I) and I don't want to live this lifestyle anymore (III), but I think my strongest motivation is the negative consequences of my addiction (II). So I'm kind of in the middle of the scale, leaning towards the better end of the spectrum.
But honestly, I don't know how actively committed to change I really am. I genuinely want to stop my behaviour, but I do enjoy it in the moment.
Maybe this isn't the best start to my recovery process :(

Guilt and shame will not sabotage my commitment, they are motivating factors to change, but they have never been a reason for my behaviour so that shouldn't be a problem.

I do understand that it will take a good chunk of time to change. I know there needs to be fundamental changes to my thought and behaviour patterns for my recovery to be successful.


Lesson 1, Exercise B.
I want to please God
I want to be a spiritually complete person
I want the everlasting benefits that come from spiritual completeness

I want to have everything out in the open with my wife
I want to have full, meaningful emotional and physical intimacy with my wife
I want my sexual energy to be spent entirely with my wife

I want the emotional stability and mental clarity that are characteristic of my addiction-free personality
I want to be free from feelings of: hypocrisy, guilt, shame, failure, worthlessness, depression, anxiety, dirtiness
I want to be in control of my whole life
I want to be able to spend my entire mental energy exclusively on worthwhile, productive things

I want to have fun again!
I want to feel proud of my whole self


Lesson 1, Exercise C.
Why did I ruin that child's life :'(


Last edited by shireoak on Tue Jun 13, 2017 6:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 11:28 pm 
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Lesson 1: Points to remember


Recovering from addiction, or any pattern of compulsive behavior, is much like climbing Everest. Simply wanting to climb is not enough. It takes effort. It takes commitment. It takes time to adjust to your new altitude. And, as with Everest, you will fail if not properly trained

Addiction is a pattern of destructive behavior that is rooted in compulsion and emotional immaturity
You will be building a new foundation for perceiving your addiction and your life. One that will allow you to take what you have already learned and apply it with more effectiveness and with greater discrimination


You will change and the direction of that change will be driven by what actions you take
The emotional intensity that comes with the commitment to recover can wane, and you can find yourself, once again, lacking the ability to manage your emotional life
In order to make a true transition to health, the key will be found in your ability to move past the initial stages of recovery and begin to adopt healthy life management skills that will allow you to achieve emotional maturity


The biggest demons you will face will be the personal ones that exist within you

Should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery
You will never recover from addiction without the desire to eliminate it permanently from your life
Your ability to commit to your recovery is relative to your motivation


Choosing an active recovery means more than simply controlling your compulsive thoughts and behaviors; it means making the choice to eliminate addictive patterns from your life forever


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 5:59 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3899
Location: UK
Hello Shireoak
and welcome to RN

Quote:
But honestly, I don't know how actively committed to change I really am. I genuinely want to stop my behaviour, but I do enjoy it in the moment.
Maybe this isn't the best start to my recovery process :(



if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely

you have realised that commitment is the key so without it expect failure

as you noted
Quote:
Should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery
You will never recover from addiction without the desire to eliminate it permanently from your life
Your ability to commit to your recovery is relative to your motivation


work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you, perhaps review both them and you in circa 3 months time as

THE COACH wrote when putting this programme together
Quote:
Motivators
1. A fundamental of early recovery is to establish a list of positive motivators that can be used to sustain one's focus and energy throughout the transition to health. Go back and examine your own motivators (Lesson One)--note those that continue to motivate you today and those that have lost their intensity. You will almost universally conclude that it is the positive motivators that have survived the crisis. Those based on negativity and fear (e.g. I don't want to lose my marriage; I hate who I have become) tend to lose their ability to motivate as the initial crisis wanes.

remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 3:00 pm 
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Thanks Kenzo for your response, I appreciate it.

Lesson 2, Exercise C.

I want to put God first in my life, to deepen my relationship with Him and knowledge of Him, and rigorously pursue my spirituality to the point that my actions and decisions are guided instinctively from a higher plane: my spirituality. I want people to immediately recognise my spiritual focus when they are with me.
I want to put my wife before myself in all things, to develop a deep connection with her, to put her needs before my own, to allow and encourage her to be the best version of herself, to create the family environment to allow her to flourish like she never could in her own family.
I want to provide for her by excelling in confidence in my career and creating ways of effortlessly generating income (by exploring passive income avenues).
I want to positively impact all who enter my orbit with a calm, positive, nurturing influence. I want people to want to be around me.


I think that encapsulates all I want in life. I would appreciate some feedback as this exercise really is daunting, but as it says in the lesson, any vision is better than no vision.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 3:13 pm 
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Lesson 2: Points to remember

The reason you are struggling is because you have yet to learn how to manage your life in a healthy way. It has been your life skill deficiencies that have fueled the shortcuts you have taken to manage your emotions
When these shortcuts become ingrained as your primary emotional management strategy, you can consider yourself as having an addiction
It was the lack of healthy life management skills that triggered the addiction, that in turn triggered the life crisis

Six months from now, it is entirely realistic that the door to addiction will be closed in your life. By that time, you will need to have the skills, the knowledge and the experience in place to manage your emotions and keep that door closed
Commit to that mastery now because these are skills that you will need for the rest of your life, and upon mastering these skills, you will find you no longer need, nor crave as intensely, the short-lived biochemical shots of emotion that your compulsive behaviors produce

Make your choices and then drive towards those choices with focus and confidence. Should you become aware that you have made the wrong choice somewhere along the line, adjust

Without a vision, the only way to manage one's life is by learning to manage emotions as they are experienced. Everything reactive, as opposed to taking a proactive role in establishing emotions through stability and value competency


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 3:51 pm 
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Location: UK
hello Shire
IMO your vision could be extended
I like to see something of the individual you

Quote:
I want to positively impact all who enter my orbit with a calm, positive, nurturing influence. I want people to want to be around me.



perhaps some how when why might be useful


Quote:
I think that encapsulates all I want in life.

what about love, health security laughtewr ambition fun family friends hobbies I could go on
why not give "coach Mel's how to a read it can be found at the top of this forum

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 5:16 pm 
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Thanks Kenzo, I actually thought it was getting a bit long but if you think it should be longer then I will definitely think about the other areas you mentioned, and extend it.
Thanks again.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 1:17 pm 
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Lesson 2, Exercise C. (revisited)

I want to put God first in my life, to deepen my relationship with Him and knowledge of Him, and rigorously pursue my spirituality to the point that my actions and decisions are guided instinctively from a higher plane: my spirituality. I want people to immediately recognise my spiritual focus when they are with me.
I want to put my wife before myself in all things, to develop a deep connection with her, to put her needs before my own, to allow and encourage her to be the best version of herself, to create the family environment to allow her to flourish like she never could in her own family.
I want to provide for her by excelling in confidence in my career and creating ways of effortlessly generating income (by exploring passive income avenues).
I want to positively impact all who enter my orbit with a calm, positive, nurturing influence. I want people to want to be around me so that I can help them move through their own life journey by offering advice in a perceptive and insightful way.
I want to be always alert and present in every situation, with energy to do anything. I want to have an alert, clear-minded focus about me. A clarity that lets me engage in any activity with ease.
I want to be a dependable person, that people know they can rely on.
I want to be articulate and expressive and speak with fluency. I want to be thought of and remembered as a conversational person, cheerful.
I want to be unflappable under pressure, reacting to things with calmness, composure and balance. But at the same time experiencing life with joy, excitement and optimism, being able to laugh at myself and not take things too seriously.
I will get healthy and fit. I want to enjoy music properly again and start making music again.


It has been a while since my last post. I have been away, but also it has taken me a long time to come up with ideas for my vision. I have hesitated with it because I didn't want it to be too ambitious, and include things that I will never be able to achieve. I hope I have extended it enough?


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2017 11:15 pm 
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Ok, I know it's still not personal enough. Reading through it, it just sounds a bit vague. I am going to work on making it more specific.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 26, 2017 10:08 am 
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Lesson 2, Exercise C. (revisited again)

God will be first in my life, I will have a deep relationship with Him and I will speak to Him personally every day, not just when I have a problem. I will read the Bible and other Bible material daily, and I will fulfill my spiritual obligations faithfully, not out of duty, but because I have a spiritual hunger. Because of this I will have a spiritual mindset so that people will recognise my spiritual focus when they are with me. For example, I will be able to apply scriptures and Bible examples to situations and conversations with other people. My thoughts and actions will reflect my spirituality: I will react to things in the way God would want me to, in the way the Bible and my Bible study reveals that humans should; I will treat my wife in the way God wants me to; and I will deal with other people in the way I should.

I will put my wife before myself in all things. I will consider her feelings before I say or do things eg not saying something that I know will knock her confidence, even if it is true. I will create a positive, happy and fun family environment for her so that we grow as friends together, loving life together. For example, our bike rides will be fun, and I will enjoy the places we find, we will laugh at silly things and I will react to her the way I would a friend, not critical of her. I will encourage her so that she can flourish and become the capable and confident woman that she can be. I will compliment, commend her, and tell her I love her every day. I will not hold back from saying lovely things to her because I feel embarrassed or because she might become big headed. (that is a really embarrassing thing for me to type) I will be patient with her, and be the one who diffuses potentially argumentative situations. When I feel the tension rising slightly, I will not respond, or just apologise and take the fall, because it is not worth arguing over. I will not take things that she says as a personal affront. I will especially be mindful of this after she has been with her mum and cut her extra slack because I know the effect she has on her.

I will provide for her by developing confidence in my work skills, and with dealing with other professionals so that I can start making money on my own terms. I will be confident and charming with potential clients. I will work hard to develop some passive income. I will not be anxious about my work, but I will remain calm when trying new things. I will be confident in my abilities to put things right when things go wrong. I will not 'catastrophise' situations, I will realise everyone makes mistakes, nothing ever runs perfectly smoothly, and other people know that and will take that into account. I will be hard working and diligent at work.

I will have a good routine in my daily life. I will meditate when I wake up and before I go to sleep. I will read the Bible daily, I will exercise daily. I will always have good food in the house so I can have three healthy meals a day. I will always plan my days the night before so that I can have a productive day the next day. I will stick to my plans, eg if I am supposed to be working, I will work even if the job at the time isn't very satisfying.

I will be alert and present in every situation. For example, I won't be worrying about other things while I am doing them, I will be focused on what I am doing so that i can enjoy it without worrying how other people think of me, or if what I'm doing is 'really worth it'. I will have energy to do anything. I won't have a foggy mind, instead I will be alert and clear-minded, focused. I will be able to engage in any activity with ease because of my mental clarity. I will not need to go to bed every afternoon because of my low energy levels.
I will be remembered as having a positive impact on everybody I come in contact with. They will feel my genuine warmth and good humour. I will genuinely listen to people and be happy for them when they are happy, but be able to comfort them and offer sound, perceptive and insightful advice, or just a listening ear when they need it. I will be especially nurturing of those younger than me and help them through their life journey. I will have an infectious enthusiasm for things. I will greet everyone with warmth, for example, I will be happy when I say hi to people (simple but effective) I will be full of joy, excitement and optimism about everything, about life. I will be able to laugh at myself and not take things too seriously. When something goes wrong I will be able to see the funny side of it, and not immediately look for somebody to blame.
I will be articulate and expressive, not stumbling over my words. I will always have something to say to keep the conversation going. I want to be thought of and remembered as a conversational person, cheerful, someone who is fun to be around, never a dull moment with him. I will be unflappable under pressure, reacting to things with calmness, composure and balance. I will always know what to say under pressure. I will be someone that people can depend upon, and rely on, but without being someone who can easily be used.

I will get healthy and fit. I will exercise daily, with a good routine, and progressively improve my body. I will enjoy music properly again and start making music again. I will discover new music and enjoy it without judgement. When I sit down to make music, I will not be thinking about what other people will think to it, or how someone else could do it better, I will enjoy the process of making music and not stress over it. I will view each piece as a work in progress, they will never be perfect, it is art.


Ok, I would appreciate some feedback on this because I have really put myself into it and I think it reflects me personally a lot better now.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 26, 2017 12:08 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
Hi Shireoak

Quote:
I would appreciate some feedback on this because I have really put myself into it and I think it reflects me personally a lot better now.


much better :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g:


Quote:
I have really put myself into it


this needs to be so for every lesson and more so for what you take from each stage of your recovery path
be consistent and remain committed
change is inevitable but now you know that you do have choice of that direction of change

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 5:19 pm 
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Thanks Kenzo for your response and encouragement.

For the next task, listing my values, are they better if they are expressed in single words, or partial sentences? As I am trying to list them I feel like I am just rewriting my vision, but in shorter sentences. I don't feel like I am 'extracting' anything as the lesson describes it. Am I missing a trick?


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2017 2:14 am 
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Lesson 3, exercise B, C1.

Spirituality
Marriage
Considerate
Positivity
Happiness
Fun
Comaraderie
Laughter
Silliness
Non judgmental
Encouraging
Complimentary
Commending
Love
Honest communication
Expressiveness
Kind speech
Patience
Calming
Humility
Reasonable
Not over sensitive
Discernment
Provider
Confidence
Skilful
Profesional
Making money
Charming
Hard working
Diligence
Routine
Structure
Meditation
Exercise
Healthful
Planning things out
Productive
Sticking to plans
Long suffering
Endurance
Alert
Present
Focused
Energy
Clear-minded
Genuine warmth
Good humour
Listening to people
Empathetic
Comforting
Perceptive
Insightful
Advice
Nurturing
Helpful
Enthusiastic
Joy
Excitement
Optimism
Laugh at myself
Not taking things too seriously
See the funny side of things
Not looking to blame others
Articulate
Conversational
Cheerful
Never a dull moment
Unflappable
Composure
Balance
Dependable
Reliable
Assertive
Healthy
Fit
Music
Progressive
Discovery
Not a perfectionist


Lesson 3, Exercise C2.

Compulsive
Inconsiderate
Short term
Instant gratification
Selfish
Stubborn
Lazy
Negative
Pessimistic
Low self esteem
Poor decision making
Taking the easy way out
Disappointment
Let down
Breaking promises


I didn't think I would be able to find many values in my vision, but I actually found 80! So this was quite a useful exercise for me to see and think about the things I value. They all seem to be universal values though, I don't think there are any practical ones there. Will that be an issue?


Last edited by shireoak on Fri Aug 11, 2017 9:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2017 2:18 am 
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Lesson 3: Points to remember

Your values are those principles in your life that you use to derive meaning and fulfillment. They form the foundation of your identity. If those values are consistent, your identity will reflect consistency. If your values are in conflict with one another, your identity will reflect conflict.
By the end of this workshop, you will be constructing a foundation of practical values from which you will manage the most important aspects of your life. Without this foundation in place, more complex life skills such as prioritization, decision-making, urge control, goal management, emotional management and others simply cannot be mastered. And addiction cannot be overcome.

In a healthy person, values provide the motivation that drives their behavior. They are the impetus for decision-making and provide a stable foundation for feelings and emotions. Without a foundation of values, our lives would lack even the most basic sense of significance or meaning.

Whereas universal values anchor the stability of your identity, practical values make up the movement. Practical values are what you use on a day-to-day basis to affect change in your life. To derive ongoing fulfillment.


Last edited by shireoak on Fri Aug 11, 2017 9:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 12:03 am 
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Thank you for the encouragement that comes from your words . . .may I encourage you in return . . .I am three years into recovery and rebuilding the positive , healthy values that provide a life that is not consumed with secrets and lies . . .I encourage you to be completely honest and truthful in order to restore yourself first and then relationships . . .
Stay strong and brave and continue to go through the process . . .when discouragement comes, hold on tight to the freedom that comes with honesty and truth.


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