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 Post subject: BillN
PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2015 7:18 pm 

Joined: Tue Aug 04, 2015 6:14 pm
Posts: 39
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change

I am actively committed to change. As you say change is inevitable but it is all a matter of what I will change. I do want a positive change. If I am really honest with myself, I am not sure I can really change but I can only take it a day at a time. I do prioritize my time. I have committed certain blocks of time that I will work on my recovery. This particular time is an example. We are going away and if I do not work on this now, I will not have my homework done before our next lesson/time to review. I have made it clear that I have prioritized this time and must do it now or it will not be done as scheduled.

I feel shame for how I treated my wife. She deserved honesty and integrity. She has given me that. There’s nothing I can do that will ‘undo’ what I have done. That is disappointing and probably even more painful to her. However, I can only go forward so I don’t think shame and/or guilt will sabotage my commitment. In reality, it probably fuels my effort as I want my wife to see me as a man of integrity.

It is hard to fanthom change in my inner thoughts. I want to change and I want to have more honorable character. I have struggled with this for so long, it is even hard to believe it can happen so I don’t even have a time table for change.

Also, a note, I grew up with a family that hard work was a moral obligation. I am not afraid to work hard. I can work hard. In general, I do live a discipline life and I can and have a certain amount of abstinence. What I haven’t had a lot of is a change to a healthy life style and desires.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positve. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.

Comment: I have strived to do some, if not all of these. However, my lies and deception have compromised and derailed many if not all. I believe I have to change if I am to attain what I truly want to achieve.

1. I am a very busy person with many goals. I want to strive towards them and not waste my time on pornography.
2. I want my wife to respect me and believe that I am a good person.
3. I want to be a man of integrity. No deception or lies. I am what I am.
4. I want to have better sex. I want to perform better and please my wife more.
5. I want to feel that I have lived a life that has returned something rather than taken something.
6. I want to leave something when I am gone.
7. I want to learn something from my hardships. I don’t want to go through ‘withdrawal’ for nothing.
8. I want my wife and family believes that when there’s differences, they still believe in my unconditional positive regards towards them.
9. I want my wife to trust me.
10. I want my wife to believe that she is fortunate to have a husband such as me.
11. I want my children to believe that they are fortunate to have a dad such as me.
12. I want to live 'life to the full' with 'real' adventures and experiences; not fantasy and artificial ones.

C. (waiting for picture to arrive but will be doing this)

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