Recovery Nation

hey jon, glad to be back and find the new site. I was "integralty" at the old one a few years ago. I plan to refresh what I learned before and then find a place to pick up and go forward to the end...

I don't know the history of the formation of the new site but I am thrilled that you're still here sparking change in people's lives... the old site kept me alive when I was at my darkest hour...

peace, ontrack

A.It has been stated that there are three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery. These are: 1) actively committing yourself to change, 2) not allowing guilt/shame to keep you from being successful in your efforts and 3) allowing yourself time to change. Where do you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? What steps can you take to get to where you need to be?

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another critical factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation for that change. Look deep inside you and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what your future means to you in recognizing your true motivations.[/b]

A:
1. I feel like I am l committed and for the right reasons. My current lifestyle is killing me and I must stop it before it kills me, before I have nothing left to live for.
2. I am able sometimes to let go of the guilt and shame but not always. I am aware that my behaviour over the past five years has severely limited my capacity to grow asa human being and I do feel guilt and shame over this, even though IÂ’ve limited a/o quite dramatically this past year I still feel its effects
3. well, honestly I am impatient. I though I had it beat when I went 6 mos without a/o from Aug to Feb of this year but I opened the door a crack and it came rushing back into my life. I feel like I need to get rid of this NOW as I am at a critical part of my life but this is impractical I know. I need to give myself time and I am commiting to giving myself time to do these exercises as a first step

B:

ten to fifteen reasons why I seek to permanently change your life:

-I am wasting a wonderful life, the time of my life is tick tick ticking away and IÂ’m throwing it away
-I am a damn good artist and IÂ’m unable to realize that potential with this addiction dragging me down
-I am in danger of losing my family forever and breaking the heart of my true love, my wife, and my beautiful daughter, I couldnÂ’t deal with that
-It would be nice to feel good about myself again... like I did even a week ago before the latest round of temptation
-I am a shell of the man I used to be
-I want to set a strong example of what a good man is to my daughter
-My wife deserves someone who is present, someone who can give her back the love she gives
-I hate myself when IÂ’m like this
-I want to soar and fulfill my destiny
-IÂ’m sick of hurting myself, destroying my life over and over
-IÂ’m tired
-IÂ’m feeling awful in my body
-IÂ’m deeply depressed
-I canÂ’t feel anything
-IÂ’m a mess physically
-IÂ’m walking around like a zombie, barely able to do ANYTHING, it took all my strength to come here today rather than somewhere more dangerous
-I AM A LIAR
-I AM A LIAR AND IT DISGUSTS ME
-I feel disconnected from God and Buddha, from anything spiritual
-

re: "ten to fifteen reasons why I seek to permanently change your life..."

Hey, good to hear from you. Not sure why you are starting over with the workshop, unless the 'reasons for change' are how you accurately perceive your current situation. And if so, what in the hell happened? I don't ask that comicly, but more as a means of developing a useful awareness as to what has transpired over the past year. Nothing worse than the perception of having to 'start over'---which in reality is impossible.

So, before you move on, share a bit as to what is going on in your life. Do it privately if you want. Then, let's get an accurate assessment of what went wrong (and what went right)...and we'll go from there.

One final note...actually, I will wait to hear from you...so that I don't read too much into what you have written above. If it is all related to past thoughts/feelings, then what I was going to share is irrelevant.

_________________
Jon Marsh
Recovery Coach
RecoveryNation.com

062205:

withdrawal after a trying couple weeks... the victory I take out of it is not going to the end of the compulsive chain for the first time ever (came as close as humanly possible) ... but perhaps this makes the withdrawal even worse?

pining pining more and more pining.... man oh man... why the need to disappear so much? How about staying the course and just doing the daily tasks of my life joyfully... I have a beautiful life... why do I want to escape it so right now? Like, unbelievable, really... bloody hell... why do I have such a disregard for myself, such a downer image of me? Why? I am in such pain right now... I just want to escape... WHY? WHY? Why do I seek an empty path as opposed to a rich one? Turn it around, brother, turn it around...

Values:

Love
Responsibility
Creativity
Integrity
Communion
Respect
Discipline
Spirituality
Intimacy
Honesty
Commitment
Patience
Accountability

In order:

Spirituality
Accountability
Integrity
Respect
Love
Creativity
Communion
Honesty
Discipline
Responsibility
Patience
Intimacy
Commitment

Just refreshing this list has renewed my commitment and given me much food for thought. It is a question of alignment many times for meÂ… I go off my alignment, lured by promises of the moment or of the future, “what ifÂ…?Ââ€Â

Revised:

Spiritual Fulfillment
Accountability
Integrity
Respect
Love
Creativity
Communion
Honesty
Discipline
Responsibility
Patience
Intimacy
Commitment

Just a couple thoughts... as I come out of the haze I recognize, as you can when letting go of the pain and self-torture of two weeks of poor behaviour...

- I feel clearer
- my self awareness is coming back
- my self-esteem is coming back
- I can feel my breath in my chest
- My breathing is less constricted overall
- I can look at the future without being in pain
- I can look at the past without sliding down totally
- I can look at my present self without loathing
- I feel like I'm in a 6-8 foot hole that I have to dig myself out of... it is one I CAN get out of with effort and commitment
- my urges I recognize as urges before I act on them and I'm able to deflect and disperse their power
- I recognize toxic thoughts BEFORE they take hold
- I feel like THE ADDICT part of me is in the back seat and not the driver's (still in the car)
- I can feel what love feels like in my body on an outbreath without wanting to be sick
- I feel like peace is coming and I commit to stay on this path

Having values, being aware of them, living in accordance to them and the thoughts and observances there-in:

I feel like IÂ’m becoming my own personal science project. Maybe this is the kind of self-awareness I need to stay on course in my life. The highest possible level of awareness and discipline. Because I notice things: like if I stray from my values even for a moment I AM AWARE OF IT and then itÂ’s up to me whether I find some way to justify it and continue or pull back from the activity or just hold still... it is up to me... not some magical power outside of me but ME... and just like no one outside of me will deliver me from my pain and self-loathing, no one outside me will be my referee, telling me what to do... I do believe I can access Universal Wisdom, God if you will, that this wisdom and guidance is there for me to lean on but ultimately itÂ’s a question of small little decisions on my part, decisions based on staying aligned to my values:

- to not go on that website even if the urge is there
- to not visit triggering places either in life or on-line
- to seek out life-affirming activity, not life-damaging or self-damaging
- to be a builder instead of a destroyer
- to stay off the net when I want to go on and intrigue
- to shift my thoughts away from the one I fantasize about BEFORE it takes hold and I go on-line and write emails or hunt for her at various on-line sites

Some of these decisions are microseconds of thought. ThatÂ’s why the awareness must be high. MEDITATION CRUCIAL FOR ME because then I can stay aware of my thought processes and treat them as simply thoughts (impulses) not compulsiuon that I must follow at all cost.

CONSCIENCE is also very big and something IÂ’ve become more aware of. Mainly, how are my actions affecting other people. Sure, for me it means a temporary ride of emotion, a high, a sense of relief (followed by great depths of sorrow and self-loathing) but what about the other person? I am doing, and have done, great damage to other peopleÂ’s lives; their marriages, their self-esteem, in some cases opening up new areas of acting out theyÂ’ve never encountered (if theyÂ’ve never done phone sex before), areas they will be drawn to from now to eternity. Even if I only a/o with them once itÂ’ll have a lasting effect. YOU ARE NOT CLEAN EVEN IF A/O WITH COMPLETE STRANGERS. No oneÂ’s clean in this game. Even those who profess that theyÂ’re fine, this isnÂ’t a problem for them... it will be later and then I am a part of their downfall.

Well, I want to part of peopleÂ’s victories not their failures!!!!! I commit to furthering GROWTH and TRANSFORMATION in the world.

One last thought about the influence of God / Higher Power / Universal Wisdom... this past week I was having problems staying away from a specific website because of someone who visited there. It seemed like I could not stay away from it while at work and working on the computer, I was compelled to go there repeatedly looking for her... and I prayed for help, for strength, for wisdom for anything to stop me from going there. And lo and behold, two days ago my computer was unable to access that website any longer, it was unable to access the chat network... this of course caused great short term frustration and then I just had to accept it as some kind of outside influence and support of my mission to rehabilitate my life... I can still canÂ’t go there on my work computer and thatÂ’s just removed 40 hours a week of self-torture (well, itÂ’s enabled me to get over the hump till IÂ’m able to resist on my own)... and I thank god for that.

Clarity and insight winging their way towards meÂ… about reality / fantasyÂ… today another example of how reality is sobering to me. The more I am in reality the more sober I amÂ… and if I drift off into fantasy the best way for me to deal with that is to find some way, anyway, back to realityÂ…

Actions: find ways to cut off avenues that trigger unhealthy fantasyÂ… websites, etc, whether itÂ’s parental controls or whatever, find a way to limit my website travel to healthy websites

Also today another example of how my values are getting stronger and how when I sense them being damaged I am able to change course in that moment rather than days after wasted days laterÂ… this instance one where I could see how IÂ’m not just damaging myself and my family but someone else and their entire family. ITÂ’S NOT WORTH IT!!!!!! I want to be proud of my day to day actions and I am of the ones I just took, actions toward my sobriety and someone elseÂ’s who also suffers Â… so this all goodÂ… now I have to deal with the first impulses betterÂ… in terms of where I go and when, what I look for what I donÂ’tÂ… I have to be aware of when the hunter is hunting for intrigue and moreÂ…

The good thing is that I do have healthy ways of fantasizing in my lifeÂ… my artÂ… go there and Build, forget about DestructionÂ…

later:

almost succumbed again, bloody hell, and wasted another precious 45 min of my life intriguing whne I was supposed to be writing... and my life stays in the same pit instead of growing... it's all very frustrating but still, no a/o. The thing that I have to get through my big thick head is DON"T KEEP GOING BACK TO THAT WEBSITE

why do I go there? ESCAPE. The promise of it anyway... Return to Values and Mission. If I could stay away from that site I could most likely enjoy an a/o free life. It's always the first place I go when I'm sliding and over time a/o is almost guaranteed. Ok. I commit to not going there for the next week. I commit to creating instead. To revering life not chipping away at its veneer.

re: "I feel like IÂ’m becoming my own personal science project."

I say again and again, the real workshop is not on this site. It is you...and the life that you are living day-to-day. And so yes, while here in the developmental stage of that life, you are indeed your own science project, smile.


re: "Maybe this is the kind of self-awareness I need to stay on course in my life. The highest possible level of awareness and discipline. Because I notice things: like if I stray from my values even for a moment I AM AWARE OF IT and then itÂ’s up to me whether I find some way to justify it and continue or pull back from the activity or just hold still... it is up to me... not some magical power outside of me but ME..."

Exactly. Though I caution you on the 'need to stay at the highest possible level of awareness and discipline'. In the short term, this may indeed be necessary. But in the long term, with the proper tools in place, your awareness and discipline will become ingrained with your identity...and much of your life will be managed efficiently and without much effort. It will only be in times of crises that you will need to return to the highest levels of awareness and guidance. The rest of the time, you will be able to invest all of that extra energy into living your life to its fullest.

re: "The thing that I have to get through my big thick head is DON'T KEEP GOING BACK TO THAT WEBSITE"

No, it's not. That website is a mere symptom...and your ability to control going back to it or not will be meaningless to the eventual quality of your life. Instead, what you need to get through your 'big thick head' (lol) is that this process of change will take about six months of active, committed effort before a real change to your foundation will have been made. Everything else will be more of an intellectual awareness...capable of producing temporary results, but not permanent change. Does that mean that it doesn't matter if you act out now or not Of course not. But it does mean that your primary focus should not be on the acting out, but on the personal development.

_________________
Jon Marsh
Recovery Coach
RecoveryNation.com

Thanks for your feedback Jon. You are dead on as alwaysÂ… so here's a step towards growth...

ok, this is my take on the values list exercise. I donÂ’t remember it specifically but I wanted to do it my way to see what I come with:

Values:

Spiritual Fulfillment
Integrity
Respect
Love
Creativity
Communion
Physical Health
Accountability
Honesty
Discipline
Responsibility
Patience
Intimacy
Fun

Value-Building Activities / Values Associated / Emotional Result:

- Talking to family / friends – COMMUNION, LOVE, INTIMACY, INTEGRITY, RESPECT, HONESTY, FUN – self-respect, fulfilled, love, satisfaction

- Swimming – PHYSICAL HEALTH, DISCIPLINE, RESPECT, ACCOUNTABILITY, LOVE, FUN – self-respect, positive vibe, elation, love, capable, confident, creative

- Meditation – PHYSICAL HEALTH, DISCIPLINE, COMMUNION, INTEGRITY, ACCOUNTABILITY, PATIENCE, INTIMACY, LOVE, SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT, HONESTY, CREATIVITY - self-respect, positive vibe, calm, love, capable, confident, creative

- Breathing into my back ribs / chest - PHYSICAL HEALTH, DISCIPLINE, COMMUNION, INTIMACY, RESPECT, LOVE, SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT, ACCOUNTABILITY, CREATIVITY – love, self-awareness, personal strength, confidence

- Yoga - PHYSICAL HEALTH, DISCIPLINE, COMMUNION, INTIMACY, RESPECT, LOVE, SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT, ACCOUNTABILITY, CREATIVITY - - self-respect, positive vibe, calm, love, capable, confident, creative, feeling of potentiality

- Going for a walk - PHYSICAL HEALTH, DISCIPLINE, COMMUNION, INTIMACY, RESPECT, LOVE, SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT, CREATIVITY, FUN – calm, “all is right with the worldÂâ€Â

i wanted to summarize yesterdays work, here it is:


Emotions Elicited From Value Building Activities:

- self-respect, fulfilled, love, satisfaction, a positive vibe, elation, love, capable, confident, creative, high (for real), calm, self-awareness, personal strength, confidence, feeling of potentiality, “all is right with the worldÂâ€Â

I've been working at getting a clearer understanding of my Values and Emotions and their relation to my daily activities... and so I know this may be redundant but I wanted to narrow it down to a page I can quickly review throughout the course of a day... and this is that...

My Values:

Spiritual Fulfillment, Integrity, Respect, Love, Creativity, Communion, Physical Health, Accountability, Honesty, Discipline, Responsibility, Patience, Intimacy, Fun

If I behave in conflict to my Values it is a FACT, it is a REAL guarantee that I will feel some, if not all, of the following emotions:

- closed physically, no breath, despairing, in the dark, weak, cheap, low, dirty, shame, guilt, closed, not worthy, stupid, low self-esteem, a cheat, a liar, low low low, worthless, hopeless, self-hatred, lack of self-trust, lack of spiritual faith, hopelessness, “IÂ’ll never get it rightÂâ€Â

IÂ’ve been living my values these past few days and I have to tell you, itÂ’s like living another life, like being another person... the shedding of the self-torture is like a REVELATION. I am living a different life when I live this way. Every choice to act according to this alignment with values is like sweet sweet wine...

My family life at home... is totally different, the tone, the energy... the conflict between my wife and I dissolves into the air and my daughterÂ’s behaviour suddenly becomes manageable instead of overwhelming... and as we drove in the car yesterday I found myself talking, YES COMMUNICATING, how I felt about life, about us, about me, about IT ALL... very empowering to both myself and my wife... and IÂ’m sure my daughter too... I realize now the responsibility I have to the family unit to be the best I can be, to live with potential as opposed to slavery to addiction... their lives are literally affected in every moment by my behavior (as I am by their behavior)... we are completely INTERDEPENDENT.

Other things: When I behave in conflict to my Values I bring into my life hardship from the external world. Things happen to me, so-called coincidences which are not coincidental at all. My car will break down or there will be some problems with it, IÂ’ve had accidents (two) during bad periods. I will get a computer virus, like the one I discovered last night, a holdover from last weekÂ’s behaviour (thatÂ’s when I got it). My career will go into the dumper, no progress, only backward and horrible spirals downward, a result of poor decision-making and poor relating to the people I have to relate to. Often IÂ’ll get a cold or some sickness, my breathing will be horrible, labored, and IÂ’ll feel old and finished. Also, this disease seems MONEY RELATED. I am never poorer than when IÂ’m going through a bad stretch. Things happen repeatedly to sap my financial resources, things I could not forsee, like my daughter getting sick and the doctorÂ’s bills totaling $500.

The Universe responds is what IÂ’m saying. THERE IS NO FOOLING THE UNIVERSE. I can fool myself for a time, can fool people for a time, can hide, can lie, can deceive.... but the universe knows immediately!!!

So for today: I pledge to be aware of the karmic seeds I sow...

You stole my original thunder with summarizing your own values' list...but I'm glad. Every step forward you take on your own...is the equivalent of three steps forward under guidance. And that you have focused so distinctly on your values is about ten steps, smile. I do need to share an assignment with you, but have to change it a bit. So I'll add it to the next post.

re: "IÂ’ve been living my values these past few days and I have to tell you, itÂ’s like living another life, like being another person... the shedding of the self-torture is like a REVELATION."

It is good that you are starting to experience such a thing. Now listen to this. What you are experiencing is just that: an experience. It is something different that, with just the novelty alone you could feel substantial change. This 'experience' is not what you are striving for. It is a good start, but that is about all. Ingraining this value-based focus into a natural way of life...that is what you are striving for. And it is not that hard to do. Just takes time and patience. Continuoulsy refocusing yourself as your thoughts begin to stray. Right now, it will take conscious effort to maintain your focus on your values. Down the road, it will not. It will occur just as naturally as your compulsive behaviors did previously. It will feel just like a natural, normal way of managing your life. And then you will reap the real benefits of living a life without addiction.

_________________
Jon Marsh
Recovery Coach
RecoveryNation.com

Lesson Eleven Assignmnet:

With each significant urge that you experience, read your composite values list to yourself. The one you created on your own. Read it once. Immediately, before acting on the urge. As soon as you recognize that you are experiencing an urge, take it from your wallet, your pocket, your dresser...wherever...and read through it. Again, once is enough.

There are several reasons for doing this...and none of them are to STOP you from acting on the urge. The primary reason for reading through this list EVERY TIME you experience such an urge, is that it fills a critical role in the urge control process that you will be developing. It initiates the process of 'breaking the trance' that sets in as you become engaged in compulsive behavior. Please understand this: it initiates the urge control process. It does not replace it. So, by taking out your list and reading through it upon each significant urge experience, you are laying the foundation for the skill development areas later in the workshop. It should take you several weeks to a month to get this habit of reading through your values list ingrained. Skip this step and you might as well skip the remainder of the workshop...as it is all related.


*******************************

Later in the workshop, we will actually break down your specific compulsive behaviors and their triggers, but until then...you know what they are...and you know when you are faced with acting on them. Your RESPONSIBILITY is to take out this list and review it. Review it EVERY SINGLE TIME that you are faced with acting out. Don't worry about your thoughts...take it out before you are about to actually act on those thoughts. Before you masturbate. Before you view pornography. Before you decide to have (or continue) an affair (or affairs). Before you are about to do anything that you might regret.

And do remember, reading through this list--EVERY TIME--is not intended to stop you from acting out. And it is not meant for you to perform only the healthy behaviors you have documented. It is only meant for you to slow down and really think about the consequences of your behavior. It is only meant for you to consider the different options that you have, and to allow you to make a decision based on those options. This is especially the case when it comes to masturbation and other "sometime healthy, sometimes harmful" behaviors. This simple step in decison-making will be expanded over the next few months into a complex pattern of thinking processes.

_________________
Jon Marsh
Recovery Coach
RecoveryNation.com

wow, withdrawal sure is dark and depressing... WOW... youÂ’d think the reality of it would have been enough for me not to a/o... or maybe the reality of it is strong enough for me to keep avoiding it by staying in the cycle... but we donÂ’t have a clear memory of our pain do we? Man oh man...

anyway... I guess itÂ’s a sign that IÂ’m still very much influenced (enslaved??) by my emotions... the key to healthy living is something else, itÂ’s maintaining balance based on following the path of values and principles... not doing what IÂ’m doing which is surfing wild waves of emotionÂ…

IÂ’m two weeks into sobriety... I am so angry these past few days, just keeps pouring out of me... my birthday yesterday... all I could think of was, “This is where I am after all these years!! HERE?!? STILL??!?Ââ€Â