Recovery Nation

010612
3:42pm

This is an old exercise of Jon's and a powerful one – have been struggling and want to post it today…

When I am "in" my addiction these are the emotions I feel --

darkness
self-loathing
scrambled, foggy
self-hatred
lonely
isolated
deep deep sadness
a feeling of "what's the use?)
suicidal
aggressive
tired
my thoughts are filled with "can't"s
hopeless
desolate
pathetic
like hiding
like vulnerability is a bad thing
cursed
stupid
like I'll never get it

When I am "in" values and living the life I value I feel:

Worthy
Special, talented
Blessed
Funny (sense of humour present)
Strong
Balanced
Able to tackle the world
Clean and clear
In my body and able to sense it
Connected to the universe / God
Like a decent, honorable man
I feel responsibility as a good thing
Capable
Confident
Like I'm a good husband and father
I feel my breath
I feel my Duty
Like being out in the open
Like vulnerability is a good thing

_________________
"Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values and fully engage my Action Plans to uphold the Boundaries that keep my Values sacred."

One thing that is a big weakness in my recovery is my role-playing of Action Plans. I remember how Jon stressed that to me in coaching. I have really let it drop lately. I pledge to return to it once a day for the next month. See how that affects my health.

I know I will eventually taste success.

Done,

Ontrack

_________________
"Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values and fully engage my Action Plans to uphold the Boundaries that keep my Values sacred."

060412
2:47pm
Good day. New week. Feel like I am on shaky ground a bit. Very triggered and compulsive. Problematic. Need to regain balance.

How? Review Action Plans. Take action. Commit and proceed.

It is not complicated. I know what to do.

“So do it.”

Go over Values and Action Plans and choose next action with a Value to guide it.

Ontrack

_________________
"Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values and fully engage my Action Plans to uphold the Boundaries that keep my Values sacred."

060512
1:08am

Time for some honesty towards myself and my progress. An assessment.

I have much work to do. I am not progressing currently. I have been doing this recovery work for a number of years and for the most part I live an addiction-free life. For the most part. Because every 3-4 mos. it rises up again and I succumb in some way, sometimes minor, sometimes major. An hour, a few hours, a few days, or two weeks. And then back to a somewhat normal life. But the spectre of my poor behaviour remains in the backdrop, in the shadows. I haven't yet been able to step for good into the Light.

So, what, then? I need to find out what's perpetuating this cycle. I have made progress in the past year in terms of scanning and objectifying women. Big steps actually. But I think what drags me down is a self-identity thing. Like a deep self-loathing that rises up that I have a really hard time quelling. This deep deep self-hatred and sadness. From way back in my life. And I feel it and it feels familiar and I know somehow that I can't shake it. And it's heartbreaking. It's always there underneath and it feels like it'll never go away. That it'll always drag me down no matter what. Like it's a familial thing that's in my DNA. This is the "feeling" that's in my family and has been in my family for hundreds of years. The men have carried it and I continue to carry it. And although I have made some very good steps in the right direction "You're kidding yourself, buddy, if you think you're actually gonna get away from it, you ain't getting off scott-free. This is who you are". This voice assaults me in a vulnerable moment and I'm gone.

It's very sobering to me. Very sobering.

It is a form of self-delusion that I get into after a few months of solid living. Complacency. Cockiness. And then, click, I take an action down a path I know I shouldn’t go down. I care, I care, I care, I care… and then I don’t. I say, from deep down or maybe not that deep, maybe it’s just a shallow thought, “Fuck it, just click here, just call here.” And I do it without a thought. Mechanically. So. It tells me I’m not renewing my commitment consistently enough. I’m not reviewing and implementing my Action Plans consistently enough. I'm not heeding the warning signs that preceed these moments. So. I need a program of doing just those things.

Plan of attack from here:

Create a review program of Values, Commitment, and Action Plans. Implement it and refresh it.

Create an Action Plan for the sadness and despair, a plan for action when it hits.

Create an Action Plan for chatlines and phone cards (have old ones but refresh them).

Create an Action Plan for boredom and complacency.

I know when the best time for Action Plan review is, just after I post what I did the previous day. Then do one AP, then move on. Can all the sports drek. That also gives me a lot of sadness I think.

Watched Mad Men ep. 12 tonite. Devastating episode because I saw my fate all spelled out. In Layne. That’s what happens to me unless I get clear. Pure and utter devastation. And the crumbling of a man’s life. Of everything he holds dear. Until poof. That will happen to me. I felt his story was my story tonite while watching. That’s my future… unless I raise my commitment level and follow through on my promise.

Just fucking do it. Really. You have grown a great deal. You deserve credit for that. Now take the final steps. Commit to the absolute end. Finish it off.

Ontrack

_________________
"Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values and fully engage my Action Plans to uphold the Boundaries that keep my Values sacred."

Hi ontrack,

I encourage you: face your fear. Clearly, you are stuck on this, and given that it's a rotating pattern with a 3-4 month cycle, it won't end until you get to the bottom of it.



Things like this are far more important to focus on resolving than progress on scanning, at least long term. Why? Well, what do you think leads to things like scanning and objectifying? Low-lying anxiety caused by unhealthy beliefs crammed down in your subconscious. Deal with the underlying patterns, and the behaviours will disappear quite naturally. These underlying patterns are what truly drive addictive behaviours.

So there really needs to be two focuses: the day-to-day focus (of course, still don't scan, compulsively fantasize, etc.)...then the sort of long-term focus where you are delving into the sources of your stress and these patterns. It will be resolving the latter that will eventually eliminate your behaviours in a way that feels natural, rather than mechanical.



Here's how this works: as you say, every few months, this loathing and sadness from your subconscious comes up. This creates negative emotions that feel overwhelming to you, that comes up as that voice you hear. Well, actually, that voice you hear is no different than any other thought except for the emotions you've associated with it over time.

So, you quickly escape the voice by a periodic return to some kind of compulsive behaviour. This manages the emotions from that pattern for a while, until the cycle repeats itself. Most likely, because it's rather spread out, you're not consciously aware of all the elements involved. But that's okay. Deal with the core belief, and the whole pattern will resolve. But as long as you continue to escape and run from this pattern, it will continue to plague you.



It's not that you no longer care...otherwise you wouldn't feel guilt/shame about this. The reason that you do this is simply, this pattern creates overwhelming emotions that you don't feel like you can manage otherwise, so you revert to what managed them in the past. Don't make this out to be anything more than it is...otherwise, you risk starting to think that this is "fate" or something insurmountable.

How do you deal with these beliefs? By confronting them. By confronting the emotions associated. This will probably cause a bit of fear and anxiety in you to think about...and indeed, confrontation like this is not comfortable. But neither is staying in the cycle you're in.

And, don't wait for it to arise again. Attack it yourself. You can't wait for these patterns to affect your life before taking action. Start bringing up these thoughts consciously, and continually ask yourself why you believe these things. When troublesome thoughts and emotions arise, just stay with them and don't try to escape. For me, mindfulness as a practice has helped a lot with this...just follow your thoughts and emotions. But remember, those thoughts and emotions are not "you." This takes effort and perseverance, because you're diving directly into a place that you don't want to go...and staying there until you figure out the problem.

I've dealt with a number of these patterns myself, and to confront them is difficult...there's been a number of times where I can tell something isn't right for literally days and that something is working its way out of my subconscious...and I just stayed with it. There's been times where I've thought "I'm never going to make it" or "I'm never going to figure it out." And you really have to adopt a sort of "don't believe anything you see in this room!" attitude when you're attacking these beliefs, because they are scary sometimes. But, they aren't "you".

It is tough, and it will make you uncomfortable. But, provided you have a good understanding of the finite quality of emotions, you will be fine and you can follow those emotions to the answer. The reward for confronting your beliefs like this is that, once you figure out the core belief involved (and I've found that simply becoming conscious of what that belief is, is usually enough)...the whole pattern resolves and the compulsive behaviour associated will naturally dissipate. It will have lost its emotional value. And, the other reward for working through such beliefs are, they will never bother you again. Their power over you will be gone. And your path to health will get clearer and clearer.

Hope that helps.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Coach Boundless, thank you very much for your response! Very much needed some input. Thank you. Needed that support, feels good. I agree wholeheartedly with your thoughts and suggestions for actions. Right now I need to review my Action Plans so that I'm implementing them properly (immediate need). THEN need to access deeper emotions through meditation, exercise, and as you say, mindfulness. That will be the key to breaking the 3-4 month pattern that I experience. Rigorous honesty and truth, and the courage to follow my thoughts and feelings and not run away from them.

I am up for it. I will jump-start my artist to help me in this challenge as well.

I come here today after creating and reviewing Action Plans, I just did three of them and will post here:

Action Plan: I find myself searching for chat line numbers or dialing a number to a chat line

• HALT and HOLD with an inner “NO!!” before taking the next step – either finding the number or finishing dialing
• RECOGNIZE this is an opportunity to trigger a compulsive ritual that will DESTROY MY FAMILY and trigger weeks of deep suffering and horrible devastating heartbreaking pain
• RECOGNIZE that the ritual can only continue if I decide to continue searching or dialing…
• ASSESS if a Boundary has been broken - RECOGNIZE further action violates the Boundaries I’ve committed to uphold (refrain from anything I have to hide from D., refrain from intrigue, sexual engagement with D. only, refrain from fantasy, refrain from using chatlines, refrain from lying and the harboring of secrets)
• ASSESS what Values have been damaged - RECOGNIZE further action violates my sacred Values (FAMILY first, HONESTY and RESPECT in all situations, COURAGE and INTEGRITY, CULTIVATING LOVE, HEALTHY IDENTITY, ACCOUNTABILITY, EMOTIONAL BALANCE, INTEGRITY, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, DISCIPLINE, ALIGNMENT WITH GOD)
• REFRAIN: Centre breathing, cut down all fantasy, close all browser windows, step away from the computer, put down phone, and engage in quiet, rigorous thought and stillness – DO NOT RETURN TO THE COMPUTER OR TROUBLE SOURCE UNTIL RE-COMMITTED TO HEALTH AND VALUES - review mantra
• ANTICIPATE feeling good about my life, APPRECIATE the reaffirmation of my Healthy Core Identity, APPRECIATE this confirmation that I’m aligned with my Values and God
o REVIEW Values List: choose a Value to guide me in this moment and suggest my next action (journal, tea, chocolate, snack, music, incense, yoga, meditate 5 min, pushups, typing, swim)
o CHOOSE next healthy action and LAUNCH it, RELAX into it, breathe easy, calm, and aware
• REFLECT on what emotion led to this trigger and RESOLVE to address that emotional need ASAP
• RESOLVE to repeat this process the next time I feel a trigger or urge
• If I choose to continue the ritual and continue to find a chatline number or dialing the number HALT again, repeat process immediately, end ritual
• If I follow the ritual further then (1) Accept that I have chosen to decommit myself from both my marriage and my pursuit of health AND (2) Accept the consequences (both subtle and overt) of my decision.

Action Plan: I find myself buying a phone card

• HALT and HOLD with an inner “NO!!” before taking the next step: finding the website and paying
• RECOGNIZE this is an opportunity to trigger a compulsive ritual that will DESTROY MY FAMILY and trigger weeks of deep suffering and horrible devastating heartbreaking pain
• RECOGNIZE that the ritual can only continue if I decide to finish the transaction
• ASSESS if a Boundary has been broken - RECOGNIZE further action violates the Boundaries I’ve committed to uphold (refrain from anything I have to hide from D., refrain from intrigue, sexual engagement with D. only, refrain from fantasy, refrain from using phone cards illicitly, refrain from lying and the harboring of secrets)
• ASSESS what Values have been damaged - RECOGNIZE further action violates my sacred Values (FAMILY first, HONESTY and RESPECT in all situations, COURAGE and INTEGRITY, CULTIVATING LOVE, HEALTHY IDENTITY, ACCOUNTABILITY, EMOTIONAL BALANCE, INTEGRITY, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, DISCIPLINE, ALIGNMENT WITH GOD)
• REFRAIN: Centre breathing, cut down any fantasy I’m engaged in, close all browser windows, step away from the computer, put down phone, and engage in quiet, rigorous thought and stillness – do not return to computer or trouble source until you RE-COMMIT TO HEALTH AND VALUES – review mantra
• ANTICIPATE feeling good about my life, APPRECIATE the reaffirmation of my Healthy Core Identity, APPRECIATE my alignment with my Values and God
o REVIEW Values List: choose a Value to guide me and suggest my next action (journal, tea, chocolate, snack, music, incense, yoga, meditate 5 min, pushups, typing, swim)
o CHOOSE next healthy action and LAUNCH it, RELAX into it, breathe easy, calm, and aware
• REFLECT on what emotion led to this trigger and RESOLVE to address that emotional need ASAP
• RESOLVE to repeat this process the next time I feel a trigger or urge
• If I choose to continue the ritual and continue buying a phone card HALT, repeat process immediately, end ritual
• If I follow the ritual further then (1) Accept that I have chosen to decommit myself from both my marriage and my pursuit of health AND (2) Accept the consequences (both subtle and overt) of my decision.

Action Plan: I find myself feeling deep sadness and/or hopelessness

• Pause all actions, begin a gentle assessment of my state of being…
• RECOGNIZE this is an opportunity to trigger a compulsive ritual that will DESTROY MY FAMILY and trigger weeks of deep suffering and horrible devastating heartbreaking pain – i.e. make sure I’m not about to begin a compulsive ritual
• RECOGNIZE that a ritual can only be triggered if I ignore my feelings instead of manage them with Values
• ASSESS if a Boundary has been broken - RECOGNIZE my Boundaries keep my Values sacred
• ASSESS if any of my Values have been damaged - RECOGNIZE my Values are sacred
• REFRAIN: centre breathing, if I’m engaged in any fantasy weed it out – am I indulging in feelings or just feeling them? Am I starting to fantasize about a/o or am I just in emotional pain? ASSESS the present then REVIEW AND RENEW MY COMMITMENT TO HEALTH AND VALUES
• ANTICIPATE feeling good about my life even though my feelings are uncomfortable, APPRECIATE affirming my Healthy Core Identity, APPRECIATE my alignment with my Values and God even though I’m uncomfortable
o REVIEW Values List: choose a Value to guide me forward and suggest my next action (journal, walk, tea, chocolate, snack, music, incense, yoga, meditate 5 min, pushups, typing, swim)
o CHOOSE next healthy action and LAUNCH it, RELAX into it, breathe easy, calm, and aware
• REFLECT on what emotion(s) led to these emotions and RESOLVE to address that emotional need ASAP
• RESOLVE to repeat this process the next time I feel these emotions
• If I choose to begin a compulsive ritual HALT and engage the specific Action Plan for that ritual, end it
• If I follow the ritual further then (1) Accept that I have chosen to decommit myself from both my marriage and my pursuit of health AND (2) Accept the full consequences (both subtle and overt) of my decision.

Thanks again, Coach Boundless, your input is always welcome,

Ontrack

_________________
"Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values and fully engage my Action Plans to uphold the Boundaries that keep my Values sacred."

Was thinking about the length and bulkiness of my Action Plans, this is fine for when I am reviewing them, the detail of each step - but for in the moment I think a more boiled down version would be better - here it is - short n sweet --

Action Plan Boiled Down:

• HALT and HOLD - “NO!”
• RECOGNIZE the moment - Assess Boundary and Value damage
• REFRAIN – walk away – review Mantra, RE-COMMMIT
• ANTICIPATE feeling better, APPRECIATE Value reaffirmation
• Choose Guiding Value and Next Action
• RESOLVE to address emotional need - REPEAT as necessary

_________________
"Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values and fully engage my Action Plans to uphold the Boundaries that keep my Values sacred."

Just want to report some good Role-playing of Action Plans and implementation of Action Plans in the past couple days. Found a good time to Role-play my AP's daily, just before my morning check-in (well, really as a first step to that check-in). Feels good.

All for now,

Ontrack

_________________
"Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values and fully engage my Action Plans to uphold the Boundaries that keep my Values sacred."

061112
12:14pm

Good day. Last week big stepup in monitoring and role-playing of Action Plans. Found a time and have stuck to it re roleplaying Action Plans. First thing in morning, just before I do my checkin and report of my activities of the previous day. This has been great, getting them engrained in me, and modifying them and updating them as I go. Very encouraged. Also redid my Mantra, changed the beginning from “Today I commit to live within my Values…” to “Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values…” – works better as it’s active as opposed to restrictive, I am doing something instead of just stopping myself from crossing boundaries. Feels good.

Back on solid ground in relationship and with kids. Realized how unavailable I am if I am not following my Values and Mantra. I may be present physically but I am way off in escapeland mentally and psychically. Miles away. So this good, present, clear, and vigilant. Following my heart and values. Yeah.

The feeling within my body is HUGELY different. I am now oozing positivity and growth instead of slowly strangling my strength and inner goodness and wisdom. I am able to love, starting with me and going out to the world. That’s how it works organically… and if I cannot love here, my self, then there’s no love for the world.

Ok, time to get going on the week. Keep it up, perpetuate love and let it grow.

Peace,

Ontrack

_________________
"Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values and fully engage my Action Plans to uphold the Boundaries that keep my Values sacred."

I have been starting my day at the computer by role-playing an Action Plan. Keep editing them to make them more organic and making sense from step to step to step for me... this follows this follows this...

I like this one a lot. I think a key for me to remember is the mechanical nature and operation of them when they are engrained. It will happen quickly and mechanically. It is NOT an emotional process. But simple, mechanical operations. Initialize first, then this then this then this... till completed.

I feel confident with this structure....

Action Plan: I find myself about to join a chat line, searching for chat line numbers or dialing a chat line
• HALT and HOLD with an inner “NO” before taking the next step – either finding the number or finishing dialing
• RECOGNIZE this is an opportunity to trigger a compulsive ritual that will trigger weeks of deep suffering and horrible devastating heartbreaking pain and DESTROY MY FAMILY AND MY LIFE
• RECOGNIZE that that ritual can only continue if I decide to continue searching or dialing…
• ASSESS if a Boundary has been broken – if no, RECOGNIZE further action will violate the Boundaries I have committed to uphold (refrain from anything I have to hide from D, refrain from intrigue, sexual engagement with D only, refrain from fantasy, refrain from using chatlines, refrain from lying and the harboring of secrets)
• ASSESS if a Value has been damaged – if no, RECOGNIZE further action violates my sacred Values (FAMILY first, HONESTY and RESPECT in all situations, COURAGE and INTEGRITY, CULTIVATING LOVE, HEALTHY IDENTITY, ACCOUNTABILITY, EMOTIONAL BALANCE, INTEGRITY, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, DISCIPLINE, ALIGNMENT WITH GOD)
• REFRAIN: Centre breathing, cut through all fantasy, close all browser windows, step away from the computer, put down phone, and engage in quiet, rigorous thought and stillness - review Mantra and contemplate a simple mechanical Values-based decision in this moment
o ANTICIPATE feeling good about my life after this decision
o REFLECT on what emotions led to this trigger and RESOLVE to address the emotional need asap
o REVIEW Values List: choose a Value to guide me in this moment and suggest my next action (journal, tea, chocolate, snack, music, incense, yoga, meditate 5 min, pushups, typing, swim)
o CHOOSE next healthy action and LAUNCH it, RELAX into it, breathe easy, calm, and aware
o DO NOT RETURN TO THE COMPUTER, PHONE, OR TROUBLE SOURCE UNTIL RE-COMMITTED TO HEALTH AND VALUES, “Am I committed to Health and Values?”?
o When re-committed, RESOLVE to repeat this process the next time I feel a trigger or urge
o APPRECIATE the reaffirmation of my Healthy Core Identity, APPRECIATE the confirmation that I’m aligned with my Values and God
• If I choose to continue the ritual and continue to find a chatline number or dialing the number HALT and HOLD again, repeat process immediately, end ritual
• If I decide to follow the ritual further then (1) Accept that I have chosen to decommit myself from both my marriage and my pursuit of health AND (2) Accept the consequences (both subtle and overt) of my decision.

_________________
"Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values and fully engage my Action Plans to uphold the Boundaries that keep my Values sacred."

Hi ontrack,

You are doing well with your action plans. I had an idea for you based on your last couple posts.

Since your focus over the last bit has been continued issues hunting for chat lines, what I think would benefit you (other than the action plans) would be to take some time to analyze what role this behaviour is playing in continuing to help you manage you life. Go about this in these 3 ways (and this is kind of my own method of action now for identifying and rooting out compulsive behaviour):

1) Consider what emotions the behaviour is providing you. Go back to the Wheel of Sexual Compulsion if necessary. Power? Danger? Suspense? Control? Anticipation, etc.? Whatever they are, identify what the main emotional elements you get out of this ritual. Write out the ritual in full if it helps.

2) Take some time to consider, at what times do you turn to this behaviour? How are you feeling before you find yourself triggered to start hunting for chatlines? You want to come to understand your emotional state prior to being triggered into the behaviour. Most likely, the emotions you feel prior to the ritual are the opposite of the emotions that the ritual provides you (ie. you feel powerless/hopeless before...the hunt for chat lines makes you feel powerful and in control; you're feeling anxious before...the ritual gives feelings of control and comfort)

3) The hard part -- start hunting for the reason(s) that you were feeling the way you were prior to the ritual's onset. Start hunting for the reason behind those emotions, be they powerlessness, anxiety, loneliness, sadness, etc. This hunt is usually not linear. There may be any number of reasons that have all been connected together from years of struggle with a pattern, like a tangled ball of yarn. At times, it has taken me days of staying with it to eventually figure it out. Some of this stuff is ingrained really deep. But as I said in my last post, it usually comes down to a single belief (at least for one ritual). Sometimes, realizing one belief will eliminate the emotional intensity of several rituals. The point here though is, once you find that reason and become conscious of it, the ritual itself will literally evaporate...and you'll know it. It will lose its emotional intensity rather quickly. This is why I always remind people here that your rituals are always a response to a certain mental state/belief/perception, not the problem itself.

Anyways, I hope that helps. Once you get this...the reactive action plan you built (which is a good one) will only be necessary in times of abject stress. It's still important for you to know in the rare instances those times arise...but you will no longer fear the ritual itself.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Hi Coach Boundless,

I've been mulling over your feedback for the past few days and implementing it, rolling it around it you will, digging for these underlying emotions that exist. GREAT THOUGHTS, thank you! It has given me a sharper focus in terms of searching for something clear. What is underneath all this? What are the emotions below and behind? It's given me a basis for investigation - instead of just dealing with my emotions as they arise, fending them off if you will, I see that the next step is to probe those emotions in a deeper way. I've gotten away from this to more of a management system (managing the emotions I feel, which is not an active mindset) WHY are they here? WHAT are they exactly? And I feel the only way I can do that is to remove any fear I have of these emotions. Perhaps I felt that fear because I didn't have a strong enough structure in place to deal with the deepest of them that come to the surface every few months.

I need to be open and welcome even those deep scary emotions that I've buried so well in my life. Investigate, weigh them, probe them for their greater message and meaning. This is a worthy and exciting enterprise.

As always thanks for the guidance, CB. I like your three pronged system of doing this and will work with it further. Been using portions of it during my meditations the past few days. Watching and sifting through the emotions that come up. Seeing where they take me and what they tell me.

Cheers,

Ontrack

_________________
"Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values and fully engage my Action Plans to uphold the Boundaries that keep my Values sacred."

061812
9:56am

Good morning. Getting a nice early start on the day and week. Under the gun work-wise which means I need to be diligent and structured. And just plow ahead with the script I’m working on. Got behind when my boss changed the attack of the first 15 pgs, so had to go back and rewrite significantly. Hmm. Handled that with anger and acceptance. First anger… then frustration… then acceptance and just doing it. Which is what I’ve been doing. The back of the story is broken, now I need to just keep going and going. Yeah.

So. What else? Been role-playing my action plans and refining them step by step. Enjoying getting really specific, making it very clear, first this, then that, then that… so that when I need them, they will be clean and fresh in my mind. And what I found is that process makes things so clear that I probably won’t even get to the point of referencing my action plans. My thought patterns (at least this is so far what’s happening) break up any rituals about to begin well before my action plan would normally start… so at the First Thought part or Fantasy of an urge or trigger my mind is cutting it down and reorienting myself. This is a welcome thing. There’s been no dangling, no hanging and weighing alternatives, just crisp clear action in a values-based direction. YEAH. Love it and love the feeling. Gaining confidence and confidence can be a huge issue with me.

Will need that confidence this week as I have a pitch meeting and I want to be clean and clear in that room with those people, that I’ll be either meeting or pitching for the first time. Excited and nervous about it. Will rely on concrete action, staying aligned, and calling on courage. And preparation. Always key, prepare and just let that prep out, let it flow.

Also need to just clock pages all week. Da dum, da dum, da dum, that simply. Then make ‘em sing. Do it confidently and with all of the knowledge you’ve gained in the past couple years. It’s there, let it out. Bring it all into play.

All for now,

Ontrack

_________________
"Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values and fully engage my Action Plans to uphold the Boundaries that keep my Values sacred."

062512
10:50am
Good morning. Feeling good about the week ahead. Doing what I love to do, my work, my family, all good. Stepped up my presence last week. Been roleplaying action plans every day as I start the day and report on previous day’s activities. Part of roleplaying them has been redefining them repeatedly, getting them just so, in terms of first this, then this, then this… has been great. Have never spent this much time on them. Feels very good, great grounding over and over in the basics of this work.

A big part of the action plans is one step where I reflect on what emotion(s) have led me to this place of the urge to begin a compulsive ritual – this has esp. been good, becoming more and more of the minute emotional flow that’s going on just under the surface of my daily life. Many times I can trace the urge back to a thought I had 5-10 minutes or even hours previously – for example I was really noticing women in the supermarket, having flash sexual fantasies of them and then I realized that on my way from the car to the store, in the parking lot, I had a thought about a social occasion we were at as a family earlier that day. The thought was along the lines of, “I felt so disconnected at times, I didn’t know who to talk to and felt very alone much of the time”. Then here I am fantasizing sexually at the store – for me that’s an attempt (wrong-minded) to make myself feel better through medicating those emotions in the store with sexual fantasy. This was a very positive realization for me and a key one to make for my path to health. So the emotions I’m feeling and connecting them to the urges I am experiencing, I am sensing growth there and am happy about it.

All for now, this week working on urges to scroll non-sexual internet stuff instead of work when I’m at the computer. Have made an action plan and will work with it this week. Keep moving forward!

Peace,

Ontrack

_________________
"Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values and fully engage my Action Plans to uphold the Boundaries that keep my Values sacred."

070312
5:21pm
Much happening in my world around honesty and letting go of secrets. BIG things. Truthtelling with my wife. Some secrets I’ve kept for the past few years around my sexual compulsivity. Hard stuff. She has been amazing. Truly wonderful. And I am so relieved that these secrets are now out there. I am on the way to real growth now. In a huge way. Very glad, although difficult too. For both of us. A lot of sadness on my part. Worry on hers. And yet we come through it all, day by day. I am so lucky to have this wonderful, sweet woman in my life.

Thank God for her and for this event in my life. I feel like nothing’s holding us back now. No thing whatsoever. And that we are truly on our way, through honesty, to the light.

This week. Keep up the honesty and truth-telling. Keep it real. Keep it right. Keep it ontrack.

And keep the faith ;)

Peace,

Ontrack

_________________
"Today I commit to deepen and strengthen my Values and fully engage my Action Plans to uphold the Boundaries that keep my Values sacred."