*ontrack's recovery thread

newme · **Joined:** Sun Mar 30, 2008 6:24 pm **Posts:** 464

Hey ontrack,

Thought I'd drop in to say hello. Have taken a lot from reading your posts over the years so this is a belated thanks from me, there's great rhythm and life in your writing that I've always enjoyed.

Fantastic to read about your increase in honesty with your wife :g:

Had a vague memory that you'd mentioned a while back that you were withholding some things from your wife in case it might damage your marriage beyond repair. Remember feeling a kind of sadness about that because I could relate to it from my former relationship and also knew how hard it would be to experience further depth and intimacy while such a barrier remained.

That your wife has responded to your honesty and vulnerability so well is wonderful indeed. Especially while you remain an open channel of support as she continues to process it all, what can be a relief to us can be a difficult thing to work through for our partners.

It kind of goes against logic that sharing the weakest parts of our lives can actually make us into stronger people, that opening up about the things we fear might destroy a relationship can end up deepening it exponentially. Such are the mysteries of vulnerability yet time and again it works its magic while logic stamps its feet in the background!

Quote:

I feel like nothing’s holding us back now. No thing whatsoever. And that we are truly on our way

Not sure what led to your opening up as you did but congratulations for having the courage to do so and thanks for the reminder of how essential it is for our growth :w:

Newme

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

070612
10:30am

Hi Newme,

Thanks a lot for the feedback. Much appreciated.

It's true, I was witholding from my wife the depths of my addiction and that it was still affecting me. It came out about 8 years ago and basically she was under the impression that I've had it beaten for the most part ever since. Which is not the case. I've been working at it hard but with slips once / twice a year of varying degrees. I think in looking back now it was my approach, that it lacked the appropriate honesty towards her. I was still committed to "doing it on my own", to having a secret life, even if now it was a recovery life, that I didn't share with her. And my fear was that if I opened it up to her that she would bolt completely and then I would have lost the person most dear to me.

Of course all of this thinking was false, grounded falsely, and impossible to take to fruition. i.e. if I'm still keeping secrets there's no complete recovery, only partial. Which is where I got to, a reasonable level of recovery and awareness but the roots remained of compulsiveness and addiction because 100 % honesty is required to weed them out. I think it's the honesty and lack of secrets and intrigue that dissolves the addictive behaviour. It all takes place in a dark corner of secrecy. No secrecy, no intrigue = no problem.

So I feel like I'm in a new era now. Thanks to her. I did not come here on my own volition, she caught me in a lie by discovering a phone bill for a chatline that I didn't know existed. So my lies finally caught up with me, I tried lying more, and then just got deeper and deeper until I had to come clean. And I did not behave honorably when caught, I lied like a weasel until I couldn't anymore. And now, FINALLY, I see where the truth has brought me. FINALLY I learned this vital lesson. Man oh man. I think this behaviour of secrecy goes real deep in my family, this adds to my difficulty in staying true. But that just means I need to step up more and more. The relief I felt and feel now is incredible, to not be hiding, to not have that secret anymore with her. The fact that she still loves me even though she knows what I did. Even though she knows of my weakness and lying. She has given me the gift of unconditional love that I never thought was possible. What a blessing and a gift. It gives me such hope for the future. I have felt such closeness to her and this incredible hopeful feeling, I think we have both felt that, since. Because she knows I’m not hiding now, that she has nothing to fear, there’s no secret that she must have known about if only on a subconscious level.

And I realized after this and realize now that I NEVER had that unconditional love growing up in my family, the love was always conditional, it had the potential of being withdrawn in any moment if I behaved poorly or didn't measure up to my parent's expectations. THAT LEADS TO SECRECY and not being able to share one's true self, see? This fear that I could lose their love in any moment and there would just be this awful searing disapproval instead. It has really hit me since this has come out. I'm looking deep within myself now, for the reasons for secrecy and covering and not sharing my true self, for not being comfortable with that level of intimacy. Because it scares me deeply. It feels hot and uncomfortable there and I have a real hard time staying in it, staying at that level of intimacy (honesty). Regardless, this is the work I need to do moving forward. Bravery, integrity, and a seeking nature, looking and checking in with myself, am I hiding, am I witholding, am I intriguing, am I being totally honest? This is the way to eliminating fully the last shreds of addictive behaviour I've been holding onto these past few years. In the light of truth, those shreds of addiction cannot exist.

Don't know if this makes sense but this is how it all came out today.

Peace,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

070912
10:01am

Good morning. All good, readying for a great, challenging week ahead. Hmm. Got some notes on my work from my boss that I’m unsure about. Took them personally at first then a more healthy business approach came to the fore. So… now just looking at them and aware that I have four days to deliver a new draft. No problem as long as I am good with my time. I can do it. No secrets, no hiding, just the truth.

Still good between my wife and I. No new developments just a nice feeling of closeness and intimacy. And honesty. Thank God. I had a bit of a worry last week when the cell phone bill came in and it was 25 dollars more than usual. I thought, oh no, did I do something else back then a month ago that I wasn’t aware of that is now surfacing. But no, it’s ok. Just a new service charge. Thank God. Trying to share more what’s going on. With her and with the world. Honest, honesty, truth, there’s that inner tightening when there is none, when I am clouding it with secrets or lies. Truth feels much much better, like a clear place that’s easy to live in, where I have everything I need to survive. Everything is available as I need it. Plentiful. Abundant. Love is also there like a waterfall I can step under. Day or night. There are no shadows of darkness because I keep casting light on them. Ferreting them out. Oh, this is where I used to feel like this and those feeling would make me want to xxx. Now I need to just feel that feeling, bring some light and attention to it, and move onwards.

Must start the work week.

Peace,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

Good morning,

Another week begins. Last week, mucho work to do and did it. Really good attention and accomplishment of tasks, including work project fulfilled and handed in on time as well as projects around the house to do with an upcoming house party we are having to celebrate my 50th birthday. This is a big milestone and I've been reflecting on it somewhat and I feel like I'm embracing it well. No crazy thoughts or sad ones even. Some just "feeling it" thoughts, like here I am. 50. Wow. It's an interesting number, a big one that has certain ramifications. A milestone, that's what people keep saying to me. I feel 18 still is my response, and I've titled my party the "How can I be turning 50 when I'm still 18 party" and have encouraged people to dress in 70s 80s clothes to signify it. Am really looking forward to enjoying this night with so many close friends around. Will be challenging, very challenging. But I will step up to it. At its heart it's just a rock n roll house party so that's that.

And work continues, getting more notes shortly on a project I handed in on friday. Thought I was done but of course the producer has more notes. Annoying but I'll just have to handle them like an adult and address them and move on. Annoying though. So I how do I deal with that anger? I need to find a healthy way. It's a challenge and I'm learning to become a better writer, it's that simple. So do it, become better, use it as an opportunity to improve and perfect my craft. Yep.

All for now,

Peace, from a soon to be 50 year old, that's right, half a centurian,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

073012
1:01 pm
Hello, it appears I’ve had a week off from my weekly checkins. My life has been a blur of late. Turned 50, had a huge party at the house, went family camping and it just keeps going. Today back at work and much to do and much resistance to doing it. Just need to calm the nerves and do it. I see lots of troubling thoughts and such if I want to go there and milk them. I don’t. So I will just do what’s right and true. Work steady and strong and keep it keeping on. Yes oh yes. Fun times.

It really feels like a barrage of events and things happening and kind of chaotic and meaningful and all that but nothing really discernible within it. Just a whole bunch of days and nights. Some wonderful family and partner time. I love my wife. I love my kids. I want to just savour that love today and forevermore. And prove my worthiness of it.

I really don’t know if I can talk about being 50 yet, I feel like I knew more about it when I was coming up to it than now. Now I just am 50, then I was processing what it meant . It certainly means more and more and more. Of everything. And what else? Hopefully more love. Today let’s go back to that. Just plain loving. Good ol’ fashioned love.

Ahhh….

Peace and Love to all,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

080712
4:59pm
Good day. A day late because yesterday a holiday here. Doing well, most happy about the recent intimacy with my wife. Challenging of course, esp for me, but I’ve been pretty good about keeping the channel between us open at least on my end. I can feel when it isn’t and I just keep trying to stay present and available. I am becoming aware of all my little tricks – smartphone, sports, computer – the kids sometimes – all of these I use to get away from being present with the people I’m with, to deal with emotions I’m feeling. To just stay on a current of moving haphazardly from one moment to another instead of moving fluidly from one moment to another, with planning, intention, and fulfillment.

It appears that I am capable of much more of this than I thought possible. I sure have done a lot of avoiding it over the years, though. I am a master of avoidance, taught I’m sure by generation after generation in my family. But mostly, it’s just good ol’ me and the way I have been. Made necessary by an incapability to manage my emotional life from moment to moment. I am oh so slowly learning a new way. It’s all a jumble much of the time but there is hope. Just trying to focus on the main thing and the details that naturally follow. Letting the little things that don’t matter just go. Hmm, letting go, also learning what a great challenge that is. Regardless, I progress and will find my may. That’s my commitment really, to progress little by little, stay in values and build a rich rewarding life. One good thing I’ve realized – much of it is already in place. Very thankful of that.

Going away with the family for two days late this week. Resolve to do up an action plan for scanning before our departure as this will surely come up, as it has the past few days when at beaches and swimming pools. Need to be more specific about the management of this reality.

Peace,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

As I believe I mentioned this week, I wanted to make an action plan for scanning for the upcoming trip I am taking with my family to a crowded "holiday spot" starting tomorrow. Here it is...

080812 Action Plan: I find myself scanning a female body (looking for longer than three seconds at body parts and/or having sexual fantasies) somewhere in my line of vision

• HALT scanning with an inner “NO” and AVERT GAZE before taking the next step - locking onto the female with my eyes and my total focus and beginning to fantasize, or feeding the fantasy further if it’s already begun
• RECOGNIZE this is an opportunity to begin a compulsive ritual - by indulging in fantasy and thereby fostering urges for further compulsive acts (furthering a compulsive chain that includes chatlines, dating sites, etc) that will trigger weeks and possibly years of deep suffering and heartbreaking pain – I will be forced because of my Vow of Honesty to my wife to share any rituals indulged in with her and this will almost certainly DESTROY MY MARRIAGE, FAMILY, AND CURRENT LIFE AS IT EXISTS THAT I VALUE ABOVE ALL ELSE
• RECOGNIZE that a compulsive ritual can only begin if I decide to continue to scan the female body in my line of vision
• ASSESS if a Boundary has been broken – has fantasy begun? If no, RECOGNIZE further action will violate the Boundaries I am committed to uphold (refrain from fantasy, refrain from anything I have to hide from D, refrain from intrigue, sexual engagement with D only, refrain from using chatlines, refrain from lying and harboring secrets)
• ASSESS if a Value has been damaged – if no, RECOGNIZE further action will violate the sacred Values I have committed to deepen and strengthen today (FAMILY first, HONESTY and RESPECT in all situations, COURAGE and INTEGRITY, CULTIVATING LOVE, HEALTHY IDENTITY, ACCOUNTABILITY, EMOTIONAL BALANCE, INTEGRITY, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, DISCIPLINE, ALIGNMENT WITH GOD)
• REFRAIN: Centre breathing, drop or cut down all fantasy, do not look back at the female body (if engaged in conversation only look into her eyes or above her shoulder) – remind myself she is someone’s mother, sister, daughter and a PERSON TO BE RESPECTED not an object - if possible remove or excuse myself from the situation and find a place to engage in quiet, rigorous thought and stillness (or just do it in the moment mentally) - review Mantra and commit to making a simple mechanical Values-based decision for the next moment
o ANTICIPATE feeling good about my life after following through on this Values-based decision
o REFLECT on what emotions led to this trigger and RESOLVE to investigate the emotional need further and to address it fully as soon as possible
o REVIEW Values List: choose a Value to guide me in this moment and suggest my next action – if possible record value in Toodledoo - emphasize RESPECT and INTEGRITY and BALANCE as Values to reorient myself
o CHOOSE next healthy action and LAUNCH it, RELAX into it, breathe easy, calm, and aware
o DO NOT RETURN TO THE SITUATION UNTIL RE-COMMITTED TO HEALTH AND VALUES, “Am I committed to Health and Values?”?
o When re-committed, RESOLVE to repeat this process the next time I catch myself scanning and to use the "3 second rule" and "maintain eye contact with females only above the shoulder" rules for the immediate moments ahead
o APPRECIATE the reaffirmation of my Healthy Core Identity, APPRECIATE the confirmation that I’m aligned with my Values and God
• If I choose to continue the ritual and continue scanning HALT and AVERT GAZE again, repeat process immediately, and end ritual
• If I decide to follow the ritual further then (1) Accept that I have chosen to decommit myself from both my marriage and my pursuit of health AND (2) Accept the consequences (both subtle and overt) of my decision.

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

Made some minor changes to my scanning action plan after using while away - many opportunities for it to kick in, while strolling around the vacation spot we were in as well as during a magic show we saw with the kids, which had dancing girls in skimpily clad outfits prancing about and showing off their bodies (celebrating their bodies? depends on how you look at it I guess). Anyway, these were moments to assess how I was doing and to think about healthy ways to experience the circumstances I was in. I am happy with how I responded. I stayed connected with wife and family, stayed in the moment, and was able to react in a "normal" way without either negating what I was seeing (this isn't happening/this doesn't exist) or feeding off of what I was seeing. I learned each circumstance was slightly different and required a slightly different response - the consistent thing was to break or avert gaze when it appeared that fantasy either was beginning or I could sense was about to begin - then 3 things really helped --> 3 second rule - reminding myself she was someone's mother/sister/daughter - and keeping gaze above the shoulder moving forward - also using the Value of Respect.

Happy I could be in these moments without desperation or other negative emotions kicking in.

All for now (revised action plan below),

Ontrack

081112 Action Plan: I find myself scanning a female body (looking for longer than three seconds at body parts and/or having sexual fantasies) somewhere in my line of vision

• HALT scanning with an inner “NO” and AVERT GAZE before taking the next step - locking onto the female with my eyes and my total focus and beginning to fantasize, or feeding the fantasy further if it’s already begun
• RECOGNIZE this is an opportunity to begin a compulsive ritual - by indulging in fantasy and thereby fostering urges for further compulsive acts (furthering a compulsive chain that includes chatlines, dating sites, etc) that will trigger weeks and possibly years of deep suffering and heartbreaking pain –Because of my Vow of Honesty to my wife I will be forced to share any rituals indulged in with her and this will almost certainly DESTROY MY MARRIAGE, FAMILY, AND CURRENT LIFE AS IT EXISTS THAT I VALUE ABOVE ALL ELSE
• RECOGNIZE that a compulsive ritual can only begin if I decide to continue to scan the female body in my line of vision
• ASSESS if a Boundary has been broken – has fantasy begun? If no, RECOGNIZE further action will violate the Boundaries I am committed to uphold (refrain from fantasy, refrain from anything I have to hide from D, refrain from intrigue, sexual engagement with D only, refrain from using chatlines, refrain from lying and harboring secrets)
• ASSESS if a Value has been damaged – if no, RECOGNIZE further action will violate the sacred Values I have committed to deepen and strengthen today (FAMILY first, HONESTY and RESPECT in all situations, COURAGE and INTEGRITY, CULTIVATING LOVE, HEALTHY IDENTITY, ACCOUNTABILITY, EMOTIONAL BALANCE, INTEGRITY, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, DISCIPLINE, ALIGNMENT WITH GOD)
• REFRAIN: Centre breathing, drop or cut down all fantasy, KEEP GAZE AVERTED (if engaged in conversation only look into her eyes or above her shoulder) – remind myself she is someone’s mother, sister, daughter and a PERSON TO BE RESPECTED not an object - if possible remove or excuse myself from the situation and find a place to engage in quiet, rigorous thought and stillness (or just do it in the moment mentally) - review Mantra and commit to making a simple mechanical Values-based decision for the next moment
o ANTICIPATE feeling good about my life after following through on my Values-based decision
o REFLECT on what emotions led to this trigger and RESOLVE to investigate the emotional need further and to address it fully as soon as possible
o REVIEW Values List: choose a Value to guide me in this moment and suggest my next action – if possible record value in Toodledoo - emphasize RESPECT and INTEGRITY and BALANCE
o CHOOSE next healthy action and LAUNCH it, RELAX into it, breathe easy, calm, and aware
o DO NOT RETURN TO THE SITUATION UNTIL RE-COMMITTED TO HEALTH AND VALUES, “Am I committed to Health and Values?”?
o When re-committed, RESOLVE to repeat this process the next time I catch myself scanning and to use the “3 second” and “maintain eye contact only above the shoulder” rules and the “someone’s mother/sister/daughter reminder” for the immediate moments ahead
o APPRECIATE the reaffirmation of my Healthy Core Identity, APPRECIATE the confirmation that I’m aligned with my Values and God
• If I choose to continue the ritual and continue scanning HALT and AVERT GAZE again, repeat process immediately, and end ritual
• If I decide to follow the ritual further then (1) Accept that I have chosen to decommit myself from both my marriage and my pursuit of health AND (2) Accept the consequences (both subtle and overt) of my decision.

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

Ok. Still refining this Action Plan for scanning. A couple small changes and I realized this should hold for my other Action Plans as well. I moved the "Reflect on the underlying emotional cause for the trigger" up to the moment of REFRAIN not later after deciding to make a mechanical decision. This makes this moment of REFRAIN more potent for me, it's a moment of holding, pausing, and in that moment I need to assess what I am feeling and why. To really be honest in this moment, before going further. THEN I can go on to reviewing mantra and deciding on mechanical decision. And I also added a later step of reviewing afterwards that emotion and determining what's necessary to address that emotional need. Getting there... it's getting clearer.

081212 Action Plan: I find myself scanning a female body (looking for longer than three seconds at body parts and/or having sexual fantasies) somewhere in my line of vision

• HALT scanning with an inner “NO” and AVERT GAZE before taking the next step - locking onto the female with my eyes and my total focus and beginning to fantasize, or feeding the fantasy further if it’s already begun
• RECOGNIZE this is an opportunity to begin a compulsive ritual - by indulging in fantasy and thereby fostering urges for further compulsive acts (furthering a compulsive chain that includes chatlines, dating sites, etc) that will trigger weeks and possibly years of deep suffering and heartbreaking pain –i.e. because of my Vow of Honesty to my wife I will be forced to share any rituals indulged in with her and this will almost certainly DESTROY MY MARRIAGE, FAMILY, AND CURRENT LIFE AS IT EXISTS THAT I VALUE ABOVE ALL ELSE
• RECOGNIZE that a compulsive ritual can only begin if I decide to continue to scan the female body in my line of vision
• ASSESS if a Boundary has been broken – has fantasy begun? If no, RECOGNIZE further action will violate the Boundaries I am committed to uphold (refrain from fantasy, refrain from anything I have to hide from D, refrain from intrigue, sexual engagement with D only, refrain from using chatlines, refrain from lying and harboring secrets)
• ASSESS if a Value has been damaged – if no, RECOGNIZE further action will violate the sacred Values I have committed to deepen and strengthen today (FAMILY first, HONESTY and RESPECT in all situations, COURAGE and INTEGRITY, CULTIVATING LOVE, HEALTHY IDENTITY, ACCOUNTABILITY, EMOTIONAL BALANCE, INTEGRITY, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, DISCIPLINE, ALIGNMENT WITH GOD)
• REFRAIN: Centre breathing, drop or cut down all fantasy, KEEP GAZE AVERTED (if engaged in conversation only look into her eyes or above her shoulder) – remind myself she is someone’s mother, wife, sister, daughter and a PERSON TO BE RESPECTED not an object - if possible remove or excuse myself from the situation and find a place to engage in quiet, rigorous thought and stillness (or just do it in the moment mentally) - REFLECT on what emotions led to this trigger and RESOLVE to investigate the emotional need and to address it fully as soon as possible
o REVIEW Mantra and commit to making a simple mechanical Values-based decision
o ANTICIPATE feeling good about my life after following through on my Values-based decision
o REVIEW Values List: choose a Value to guide me and suggest my next action – if possible record value in Toodledoo - emphasize RESPECT and INTEGRITY and BALANCE
o CHOOSE next healthy action and LAUNCH it, RELAX into it, breathe easy, calm, and aware
o DO NOT RETURN TO THE SITUATION UNTIL RE-COMMITTED TO HEALTH AND VALUES, “Am I committed to Health and Values?”?
o When re-committed, RESOLVE to repeat this process the next time I catch myself scanning and to use the “3 second” and “maintain eye contact only above the shoulder” rules and the “someone’s mother/wife/sister/daughter reminder” for the immediate moments ahead
o APPRECIATE the reaffirmation of my Healthy Core Identity, APPRECIATE the confirmation that I’m aligned with my Values and God, and REFLECT again on the root emotional cause of the trigger - what is it and what else can I do to alleviate the emotional need?
• If I choose to continue the ritual and continue scanning HALT and AVERT GAZE again, repeat process immediately, and end ritual
• If I decide to follow the ritual further then (1) Accept that I have chosen to decommit myself from both my marriage and my pursuit of health AND (2) Accept the consequences (both subtle and overt) of my decision.

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

081312
12:02pm
Good day. New week. Last week went well, had a truly wonderful family holiday where we went back to where my wife and I got engaged 14 years ago with the kids. Niagara Falls. Really sweet times as a family were had as well as deep romantic moments felt with my wife. Feels good, like I am able to touch that intimacy more than I have been in the past. That’s how I know right now if I am healthy. Am I withholding emotion or honesty from anyone? Am I being true to myself? Am I avoiding intimacy or emotion? Deal deal deal with it. Feel it. Touch it. Express it. And move onto the next moment.

I know my wife feels it. We are very nicely connected right now and it’s showing in all areas of our relationship. Partnership, cooperation, sexual relationship. It’s a good, strong feeling. I can see and feel how my being more honest has allowed this to happen. It was the catalyst, and the thing that was missing before. My honesty was not at the level it needed to be at. I wasn’t as available or present like I needed to be. I need to commit to that over and over and over, every moment, every day.

Carry it through this week into other relationships. Savour, enjoy, and call on the courage to do so. That’s real courage methinks. Honesty. That’s my word for the week.

Peace,

Ontrack

newme · **Joined:** Sun Mar 30, 2008 6:24 pm **Posts:** 464

Quote:

had a truly wonderful family holiday where we went back to where my wife and I got engaged 14 years ago with the kids. Niagara Falls. Really sweet times as a family were had as well as deep romantic moments felt with my wife

Congrats ontrack, inspiring to hear :g:

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

Thanks, Newme, for stopping by... I do feel growth and it's exciting. There is a new solidity which is expanding a little bit each day. Lots more to work on in terms of overall emotional balance and simple living and simple Truth in all interactions. But there always will be. I just need to stay committed and moving steadily in the right direction. By staying honest and aware, and valuing family / relationship first, I'll be fine.

I hope all is well in your world,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

Very stressful right now at work. Conflict with my boss. Posting today to alleviate stress in healthy manner. Stay true. Stay on values, what do I need to guide me today? Breath. Commitment to truth. Integrity. Courage maybe more than anything perhaps. The reason is I have to finish this particular task in five hours and make a multitude of decisions to do so. I call out for Greater Guidance in this. Please be with me and guide me, God. I am your instrument.

Gotta go,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

082012
11:33am
Good morning. Ok. The beginning of a new week - how I love new beginnings, how I shy away from them. They really scare me for some reason. I really need to massage myself into them. Especially in regards to work. I need to ease into Monday mornings. I do this check in first before I begin my actual “work”. And I have a check in with a friend in the same biz, we review our goals for this week and review the past week. We’ve been doing this for a couple years and it’s good, helpful on many levels.

And then I go from that check in to this check in. Except today I spent some time dealing with the audio files from a concert I went to last week, reviewing them, getting them ready to share with the other people who went as well. All this takes time and tick tick tick, pretty soon an hour goes by and now by the time I get thru here I’ll almost be ready for lunch. This is part of my overall “distraction” problem. I am getting better but still need improvement. So that I will work on this week. Weeding out distractions and staying on topic. I have an action plan for it so I need to implement it more faithfully. I did vow last week to take two weeks off sports talk radio, which I also use as a distraction. I have kept that vow so that’s good. Now I need to stay on topic, what’s the next action? What’s the main thing I’m working on and how do I execute that and only that? On my breaks I can do the music and other stuff I like to do. My hobby things. Because I need to do the work first. Get those tasks done to avoid stress 8-10 days from now. I need to deliver 5 pages per day. Do it.

Ok. Off to begin. First action after posting this: make list for today and start first pomodoro for it.

Peace,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

Been thinking a lot about my struggles with beginnings. It has really almost become a chronic fear as it pertains to my work. Especially because at the moment I have a boss who is very sparing in any kind of encouragement or praise. She easily dispenses her negative views about my work, however. And that only serves to make my fear of beginning the next stage of the project greater.

And so I sit, stare at the blank page, and then look up a fave musical artist, check a sports or news story, then come back. And repeat. And then tend to a family thing, or a house thing, and then come back. And then stare again at the blank page. Over and over it goes. Until the stress of falling behind gets so great that I absolutely have to work on it, knowing all along that now it will be late and now I have to face further judgement from her. And I also now must spend time on it that could have been spent with the family or just relaxing on my own. Or even, God just imagine, resting. Instead of staying up late, getting up early, as I strive to finish the damn thing. Needless to say this process wrings all joy out of what is generally considered a good occupation, writing, and one that many other people dream of doing. Mostly because, I say flippantly, that they don't know the torture that exists within it. Many if not all writers go through some form of what I just described. Procrastination is rampant among us. But yesterday I had some insight.

I need to just SIT IN IT. Stop and just be and stay. Not make the alternative decision to check some internet thing but just stay on the page and do it, one sentence, one word, one keystroke at a time. And of course, that's obvious, but what it really means is face the fear. The fear that I'll be found out, that I'm a shit writer, that I'm a fraud, that my boss is right I really don't know how to write an outline and I really don't know the overall idea of the piece, and with every word I prove her correct. I'll be found out that I've always been shit and that I always will be shit and that I'm wasting my everlasting time at the keyboard, and that this will be my last job ever, and they won't even pay me for this one once they read what crap I've written. They'll tell my kids even and those sweet things that have no idea what I do will think horrible thoughts of me and my wife's fears will be confirmed, she put her money on the wrong horse years ago when she got involved with me. I've wasted not only my life but hers as well.

All this goes through my head as I sit and gape at the empty page and contemplate beginning. Each morning and every day after lunch and then when I return to work after dinner. Over and over I beat down the demons. Or don't. And the days I've wasted pile up. And the urges to act compulsively come more and more to the surface. Over and over...

This is really a call to my inner courage. I need that courage to sit there and experience those feelings of fear. To breathe through them. To do a stretch if need be. Some pushups. Stand and sit. Anything. But don't "go away". Stay with it and be. Stay with it and see what's there. What is my inner self expressing or needing when that fear is present? How can I settle the waves? Or is it just a matter of waiting them out? Because if I "go away" I just return after that wasting-time activity and must still deal with those fears, those fears don't go away. So I need to just sit and sit and sit and sit with it. That fear. The fear that I am not a man and will never be. That I will never measure up.

I have an action plan for this and I pledge today to use it repeatedly and fully. And I vow to use my courage to sit in it. In those horrible, awkward feelings. In those feelings that make me want to scream and cry and curl up in a ball on the floor. To disappear and never return. I need the courage to feel. And feel. And to be gentle with that part of myself that just wants to know that he's loved. That kid, that little boy. That just wants to know that love is constant and forever. And that no matter what happens on the page, that love never goes away.

I resolve to stay in moments of discomfort.

Peace,

Ontrack

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