Recovery Nation

Help! I thought I had been good about not contacting my ex who threw me out of his house and moved another girl in immediately 6 months ago. I found myself today looking on Facebook (not on his account, of course, because he has me blocked) for any information on him, or pictures of them, anything. I even paid a small fee to do a background check. I have not been able to stop ruminating/obsessing/being compulsive in thought about how I could fix things between us, that it was all my fault, and that I made the biggest mistake of my life. I have been attending therapy, 12-step with a sponser (every day!), and doing dialectical behavioral therapy for coping skills. I know it's up to me to delete him from my life, especially since he was a pot/alcohol addict. I know, classic love addiction. I know I have to be responsible for my life and self care, and for growing up and continuing with my life, But I am stuck in this horrible place. I am so angry and ashamed at myself. Are there any comments,suggestions, do you relate? Any imput is welcomed. Thanks.

Hi Cynthee



why are you angry and ashamed?
is it because of your addiction and acting out or is it because you still feel attached?

you know that you have to let go it is over he has moved on and so must you
you need to put relationships on hold for now and concentrate on your recovery
be selfish, addicts find this easy and look only to you yourself and your recovery
do not let anyone or anything prevent this because if you do you will fail; and in failing will not become part of any future healthy relationship, including the relationship with yourself

you may realise that you have two things which were important and played a big part in your life now removed and missing
acting out and a partner
this leaves a big space that needs to be filled fairly quickly but healthily
let your recovery become a big part of your life and put the past where it belongs, behind you
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

I think that maybe what might be missing in your recovery is the process of grief and mourning. In this process you don't break the ties with what is loss by shunning your emotions or shaming yourself (or others shaming you) for the feelings of loss. You fully accept those feelings, those pains, and grieve. What separates healthy grieving from unhealthy grieving is the letting go of that which is now dead to you and allowing others to share in your mourning. A person who losses a loved one to death, or example, does not go around and burn all the pictures and things of the person they lost. You own your history, both good and bad, it is part of you. But the mourning period is the process of reconciling the past, present, and future. That thread that weaved along yours through your past, in your now, and projected in the future has vectored in another direction.

Accept what was good (and bad) with your shared history, feel the pain and loneliness of the loss in the now, and accept the absents in the future. I would suggest talking this over with your therapist if you have one and if not then at least find a book (there are plenty). What you don't want to do is fill that pain with obsessing over the lost one, that is medicating and avoidance of the pain.

Hope you find peace.

Hi cynthee,

Just to add to what the great responses you already got: I actually relate quite a bit to your experience. I struggle with OCD (not nearly as much now as in the past though), and when I began recovery 3 years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend, then obsessed for months over the decision. So I get where you're coming from. The obsession, the rumination, the checking, the chaos -- I've been there. The love addiction -- been there too.



Simply put, underneath all this obsessing about him and how you think you made a mistake, this is entirely about fear. Fear of the uncertainty of your future; fear of having to face the problems in your life; fear of doing so without a "partner"; fear that "I'm going to be alone for the rest of your life" (even though this is not reality)...so many fears. Those fears drive your obsessive thoughts, and also provide a very convenient distraction from the focus that needs to be placed on yourself. But ask yourself: is fear a good reason to stay in a relationship or trying to get back into one? Will staying with someone out of fear make for a healthy relationship? I think you know the answers.

As someone dealing with love addiction (which I'm assuming from your post this is your main issue), I'm sure the prospect of facing your problems without being in a relationship is terrifying to you; the feelings of loneliness, sadness, worthlessness seem to be overwhelming. And it is very tempting to spend time distracting yourself by obsessing about past relationships, or obsessing about throwing yourself head first into new relationships to avoid having to deal with your compulsive rituals and the beliefs and emotions that underscore them. Tempting, but a mistake.

Given what you said about your previous partner, it sounds like you both have issues to deal with. A relationship where both people are in active addiction is bound to be an unhealthy relationship. What you're thinking right now is, "If I can just get back together with him, it will fix everything, my life will be perfect, and I'll be happy." But it's a fantasy. If you actually got back into the relationship, the same problems would exist as before, because the problems exist within you and him. So unless you work on your individual problems, nothing would change. Similarly, if you got into another relationship (even with someone who was healthy), you would bring your previous problems into that relationship. If you are dealing with love addiction, you have serious issues you must confront regarding your identity, values, understanding of your emotions and decisions, issues with self-esteem and self-worth...many things. And running from these problems only creates more problems down the line. It's scary to confront them, but you must. Every minute you spend obsessing is a minute wasted on your recovery and your life.

There isn't really much anyone here will be able to do to stop you from obsessing, other than saying that you must commit wholly to focusing on yourself and rebuilding your own life. Obsessions usually tend to follow a ritual pattern, so when you get to the lessons on rituals, you will be able to map out the obsession and understand the emotional components, so you understand it better. But, you are still in very early recovery, so the most important thing right now is that you commit to sincerely changing your life and focus on the first 7 lessons of the workshop to lay the foundation for your life. Then, whenever you find yourself obsessing...realize that you are deviating from your values and pull yourself back. Distract yourself by doing something else, if necessary. But, the most important part is that you commit to yourself...and that will include making a commitment to letting him go and concentrating on your own life. You must move forward, and do so with your head held high.

As someone who's struggled with love addiction too, I know how tough it is to face the world and face life seemingly alone. But, you are never alone. There are people here who understand where you've been and can help. But you must define your life and do the work, setting the stage for a brand new identity for yourself. And, once you are confident in that identity, you will be in a much better place to start a healthy relationship.

On that note...one thing I usually suggest to those struggling with love addiction is to commit to not entering any relationships while they are working on their recovery. Think of this as a commitment to yourself. Much like how those struggling with compulsive porn behaviour must abstain from porn (though this abstention should not be the focus of recovery)...those struggling with love addiction must abstain from relationships for a bit. With the distortion (or fundamental misunderstanding) of romantic boundaries that occurs over time, added to the lack of identity, multiplied by the fact that love addiction rituals tend to be mainly internal and contained within your perception...at the beginning of recovery, those struggling with this addiction can't distinguish between what is healthy and what isn't. So, any attempts to get into relationships will usually be met with total confusion, anxiety, and uncertainty, if not outright paralysis. Avoid this problem by abstaining from relationships until you have regained your identity and know what you want in your life. This makes things much easier, as it provides a hard boundary to help you manage your life; any time you find yourself considering getting into a relationship, you know you're off track and can course correct, allowing you to avoid anxiety and concentrate on yourself.

Hope that helps!

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Hi Cynthee

Sorry to hear about your situation.

It's always difficult when one's signifcant other in a relationship doesn't have the same feelings as the other.

But for me at least I decided that time is really the most important factor. Most of us just take it so much for granted not realizing how much of our lives, and the quality of life that we live, gets absorbed and/or wasted by obsessing over things that are unhealthy for ourselves.

It will take time and effort on your part to free yourself of this dark cloud that you feel hangs over you but once you work throught it, and get a better understanding of yourself, you will see an amazing new chapter in your life unfold.

Take care