Recovery Nation

My compulsive ritual is pretty straightforward.

There's fantasy, sensory stimulation, and orgasm...and supposedly, accomplishment.

Lesson Seventeen mentions that

Honestly, I really don't feel this. When I do something really well or exert myself at the gym and comeback home feeling good about it - there's definitely a feeling of accomplishment. But after orgasm? It's a feeling of relief and euphoria but I don't see how I accomplished anything there. Perhaps my subconscious sees it differently, but I just don't see it.

On top of my porn & mb addiction, I've also noticed I eat too much. I am overweight, though it's not that bad and I've started going to the gym to counter that. But going to the gym won't do too much if I keep stuffing myself. I know I do it for comfort, and I've also noticed that after a mb & porn session I tend to go straight to the fridge to stuff myself in order to "finish things off" so to speak. It's really strange.

I have to fight on both ends here, and the key is understanding how I work. I'd be grateful for some insight here.

In the depth of your addiction, when you successfully act out, you feel a sense of accomplishment which allows you to continue in that you have acted out on your terms as an addict. It's Look at me. I am acting out, and I do so without having to change anything about me. I get to self medicate with pornography and masturbation and nobody is the wiser. See how well I am holding my life together? Problem? I don't have a problem.

You see, the addict in you knows, or wants you to believe, you can have it all. You can carry your addiction without having to pay the price. This is what any addict feels---not just the sex addict. The addict believes nobody can tell the difference between healthy and sick when it comes to them. Meth addicts literally cannot see what others see. They believe the meth has done them a service, made them stronger, smarter, a better worker, more attractive. To a similar extent, sex addicts cannot see their own mood swings, their own mania concerning their 'choice' of drug, their own manic behavior when someone or something interferes with their acting out.

You may not 'feel' that booster shot because like any addict, you eventually have to get high just to feel normal. Your brain has been so warped you cannot get high any more. So you feeling normal and relieved is that booster shot.

Coach S wrote



IMHO that simple statement says so much about addiction and we the addicts
our addiction is really only in our minds, but because we deceive ourselves, lie, deny awareness etc we allow it to become reality

that reality further damages us and those around us which further enhances its reality

the addiction may not be able to be touched but it can be heard and it or its consequences / actions can be seen, but its fantasy not real life we can live without it and we will be better people for it
God bless Coach Jon

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

CoachS gave you good advice, just one thing quickly to add:



If you do it consistently, it's probably part of your ritual. You recognize that you do it for comfort, so there's your compulsive element for when you map out your compulsive rituals when you get to those lessons. But first focus on stopping all your overt compulsive rituals...if you no longer engage in your porn/MB rituals, you'll most likely be less compelled to overeat. Remember, all your compulsive behaviours are connected into the same addiction and emotional management system, so don't separate them. Engaging in compulsive overeating will continue to fuel compulsive porn/masturbation (and vice-versa).

B

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Hello Coach Sandalwood and thank you for taking the time to answer.



I'll first try to address the things I either don't understand or consider wrong. Again, this is only my perception. I totally don't feel like I'm on top of things, even before I begin my self medication session. There's always a dilemma, and it comes down a matter of making the right decision. My SO recently said, it's not about NOT doing it, it's about finding strong enough reasons to do something else instead. I do have a problem and I find excuses for not getting out of it.



I'm going to have to disagree there. I am paying a dear price, but obviously the consequences have not been bad enough for me to stop. And this kind of addiction really is a kind of addiction which others cannot see. You mentioned that it's the addict in me that wants me to believe that, so perhaps this is key to understanding it, but at this point I don't.



You're definitely right about this. I do have to say that I've made progress in this regard in the sense that I've noticed a very clear connection between my need to act out and how I treat those who attempt to interfere with it.



Okay, that kind of clear things up. It seems that I will have to face anxiety and pain and learn to deal with it in other ways. Totally don't know how yet.

The thing is Kenzo, when I hit that threshold and I'm supposed to make the decision of whether to act out or not, I'm just so devoid of the awareness of what's going on. I do know it's avoidance, getting away, and doing everything not to face reality.

I would like to mention something funny though. The last serious conversation with my SO went something like this:

Me: You don't even know how much pressure builds up in me, I just have to release it.
SO: No, you don't.
Me: But it takes over my body and just puts so much pressure on me...
SO: And so what? Face it and make the right decision. You think if you don't do it for a month your balls are going to explode?

It's hard for us to see accurately in the midst of acting out. Like CoachSandalwood said, we're similar to a meth addict, in the sense we cannot clearly see the damage we are doing to ourselves and to others. As we become healthier, over a longer period of time, we begin to see things more accurately.

Don't get too bogged down on minutia right now. Just trust us. All have made good comments. Look at incorporating your over-eating as either a part of your ritual, or as a ritual to itself, and begin to make action plans to work around that issue. Focus on urge control, both for acting-out and for over-eating.

I agree with both your SO and with you. To you, it feels like all the pressure of the world builds up and reaches a point YOU HAVE TO release the pressure. On the other hand, your SO is correct, also, but it's hard to believe. Your balls WILL NOT explode if you don't release. You can learn to live with the discomfort. Remember, it's a finite scale of misery, not an infinite level of pain forever. It goes away.

I think, too, it's important to remember that recovery is a process, not an event. As I reflect on my own recovery, I can remember a time when I thought the same things you've written. Now that I'm a little further down the road, I now see how much I've grown, how much I am still growing, and how much I still have to learn in the future. The picture becomes more clear the longer you stick around.

Remember, don't get bogged down in small details. Keep the big picture in focus, and take whatever small steps you can. Trust us, it gets easier and better.

Just might add to the thread, the accomplishment you gain from an orgasm with sex with porn, fantasy, etc does not lead to a long term good affect, IMHO. But sex is not just meant to be some physical release and stress reliever, it is the coupling of physical contact with emotional intimacy. Leading to, during, and after orgasm pheromone are exchanged, your brain connects these feelings with the loved one, and a connection is deepen.

What you are having is sex without true intimacy and that is emptiness.