Recovery Nation

My SO took a week off work. I'd been going over my values, focusing on improving communication between us and at the end of that week she says to me, "I've really noticed an improvement in the way you behave." She meant that I'd been more attentive, held back criticism, admitted when I was wrong, and even when there was some kind of a conflict, I seemed to be able to get out of it. It was also a week where the stress level was far lower, or at least I perceived it as such. There are still some very important things left on my to-do list which I didn't do last week as I should have - but after the end of each day I felt good. I felt really good because I knew I hadn't wasted it and if I chose to not work as hard then it was my choice and I was okay with it.

I've had euphoric experiences before, but this was different. I was not in happy-happy-joy-joy mode, but things seemed to just glide. If I needed to get something done at home, I'd just do it. For the first time in what has probably been a couple of years I went a week without acting out and all seemed well. This time though, all that time I firmly had a thought in the back of my mind where I was telling myself, "You're on the right track, but you're nowhere. There's still a lot of work ahead of you and you need to keep at it." In the past, euphoria came over me and stayed for a while, made me feel extremely confident, and then disappeared. It's not as if I'd planned to relapse, but I did.

What was really awesome about last week was that when an urge came, I was able to decide not to do it and make it go away. I really don't know how it happened, but I managed to do the same today. I'd say I went into a two-day relapse. And suddenly I noticed I went into blame-mode again, but since I'd told myself I wouldn't say mean things to my SO anymore - I didn't. I just found other ways to irritate her and at one point I intentionally made her angry. It seems that I'm dealing with things internally which I can't control and begin playing the blame game in my head. This of course happens after I'd relapsed. Instead of taking responsibility for things, I start looking for something or someone to blame.

I'm back to reading, thinking, writing. I keep a personal account of what's going on in my head, but I didn't do it for those two days I'd mentioned. I'm back here though, trying to make sense of it all and everyday menial tasks seem to have become difficult again and I wish I could make them easy.

I wish all weeks were like last week, but I know they won't be. A major stressor (finances) has hit, but instead of fighting I seem to just try to avoid reality.

Now I'm going through the lessons on understanding addiction, lesson 17 at the moment to be specific. Maybe someone here has some insight or has had a similar experience as me.

Hi Masked

you have seen enough to recognise your cyclic behaviour, maybe you need to evaluate your reasons to change and your commitment to them




was you really OK with it or was you making an excuse not to work on the recovery?
the result may tell you something - learn from it


has your way of thinking changed because if not you are only on the way to abstinence not recovery


determine why you failed when you know how to succeed and have proven it again ask yourself about your commitment and resolved
you dont need to act out you only believe that you do



typical for we addicts and boy are we good at doing this
accept responsibility and accountability for every consequence for every of your actions positive as well as negative


that could be so as acting out really is simply fantasy and avoidance (well actually perceived avoidance) of real life, but acting out only delays and never resolves the stressor

consider the whys and hows and learn from them
you feel bad now remember it and decide to not feel that way again
throw that excuse card away kick your own arse and the get back on the horse and move forwards

good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

hello:

you've been on here for three years and you're still giving into your sexual compulsions after a week of abstinence? you need a new method because you're banging your head on the same wall and it's not going anywhere.

personally, i don't know why you're still with your girlfriend/wife. i don't know the story but what i do know is that getting your life together means...to focus on you. having someone else in there, especially at this stage of your recovery, makes a permanent change damn near impossible.

i know i haven't followed much of your posts- but gathering from this one- that's my initial reaction.

-lk

Hi Kenzo,



There's actually just one reason - I consider the addiction to be a waste of time. I could use all the lost time in a more productive way. I can hardly finish anything, ever. I have not accomplished most of the goals I've set up for myself, though there have been a couple of successes which required commitment.



When things are going well, there's not much to learn. It's when things get difficult and life, at least in my own view, becomes too difficult to handle is when problems pop up. I suppose the only thing that's come up is that I have to fight the stressors and not cower away.



There were a couple of things on my mind, which are quite urgent but I kept procrastinating on. Instead of just sitting down and doing them, I just gave in to the addiction.



Yeah, this is something I will add to my Daily Monitoring - accepting responsibility and holding myself accountable for my actions.



It never does of course. Time to fight off the stressors, which is what I'll do today.



Thanks, I will do just that.

What can I say? You got me and you're right. I'm definitely doing something wrong. The one thing I definitely haven't been doing is following through and giving up after relapsing. I've been on here for three years, but this has been going on for at least 10.

I'm a bit like the girl that's mentioned in one of the lessons who only had food and education as her top values. I'd always been good at school, not perfect, but up there. And then there was a drastic change in my life and slowly the addiction crept in as I found myself failing more and more despite making a huge effort. I then gave up and quit school and soon became a workaholic, doing nothing special but making money and feeling as if I was stuck on one of those hamster wheels.



Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. When I was single I developed the addiction, then I found a girlfriend and thought that the fact that I'd be having sex would solve my problems. It didn't. Then I was single again, and one of the reasons I decided to break up was because I wasn't getting what I want in bed, and I wasn't getting enough. Being single, I still had the addiction. Then I found another GF and things were much better in the bedroom, but I also got back to my old habits very quickly.

Yes, I fully agree that this is about ME. I need to focus on myself and put my own well being before others. Yet, the workshop clearly states that a big part of recovery has to do with establishing a firm value system. My SO is in there and I love her. As for the fact that I haven't had the willpower, commitment, and enough motivation to change and I always find excuses - there's no doubt about that. In fact, my SO told me that she has the feeling that I don't really want to quit because if I did then I'd just commit to it and do it.

She used to be a smoker and she tells me that when she has a stressful day she'll even dream about smoking and sometimes she feels like just going out to buy a pack of cigarettes. She says it's a constant internal fight, but she doesn't want the addiction to get the best of her so she chooses to make the right choice.

It's easy to have an excuse, I didn't do this or that because of the addiction. I want to get past this, I really do. Internally I'm extremely ambitious and quite often take on too much. I want to remain ambitious but learn to balance things and break things up into smaller tasks.



There's no consistency in my posts. I've been on and off, here and there - nowhere really. But I'm back and very thankful that there are people like you out there who I can reach out to for help, even if the truth is painful.

Hi Masked



these statements provide you with the map



this community is supportive but the work and with it the commitment needs to come from you and you alone

the journey is painful but nowhere near as painful as the recognition that you have a problem and simply accepting it and living with it

make the choice and make it the right one

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

I'd like to clarify something. We in no way advocate abandoning the relationship because you are struggling. That is a cop out. As long as your partner is committed to the relationship or even in a wait and see approach then you are responsible for getting healthy, upholding her boundaries and finally working on the relationship, in that order. Yes you have to recover for yourself but to leave the relationship under that guise is selfish, immature and unrealistic. If every addict left their SO's while recovering, well what kind of world would that be?

What we do recommend is that once you are aware of your addiction and commit to recovery that if you are single, looking for a relationship is not the most productive thing to do because you add in elements to your recovery that don't need to be there and also because until your healthy you can't have a healthy relationship and it's not fair to your partner.

hi Pablo,

your self pity, self loathing for your last decade of stuck in your addiction, should not be accepted.

why are you here Pablo? no, I have a better question. do you want to die alone? because that's the truth. and honestly, you do not have the love for your girlfriend as you think you do as long as you continue your dual identity.

you're disconnected with your emotions and thus from the world around you, fulfilling your prophecy that you're going to be alone forever and that no one really likes you. sure, you may try to fit in and say that you have a girlfriend and love her, but are you sure you're not in love with your delusions versus what actually exists in reality?

and Coach Cheryl's point about being selfish if you leave. true, but don't you see it's selfish that you stay? for example, your past relationships have been guided by selfishness- you left and stayed due to how much pleasure you gained in bed. using up another person to fulfill your own void. your emptiness.

Pablo, I don't know why you're on this website when you are so lost from finding who you are. You're going to continue to be alone forever if you don't try to figure yourself out.

-lk

Hopefully you've pieced this together -- that it was the drastic change in your life that you could not manage that facilitated a progression in your addiction.



Have you considered that your workaholism comes from the same mismanagement of life, lack of consistent values, and emotional immaturity as your porn/MB addiction? It is part of the same addiction and life management system.



As you can (hopefully) see here, this issue goes much deeper within your identity than just your experiences in the bedroom.



Well, this is true...but with the right approach, focusing on your own wellbeing will impact the wellbeing of others. Putting your own wellbeing first doesn't mean to become selfish...if anything, it means to become less selfish overall. There is an important distinction between caring about yourself, and selfishness. This is tough to grasp at the beginning, but eventually you will come to distinguish when you are acting out of pure self-interest or legitimately caring about yourself.



Well, is she right? That's really the most important question to ask yourself, and you really need to go as deep into yourself as possible. If you haven't made the 100% commitment to rid yourself of addiction and sincerely change how you think and live, you won't benefit more than superficially by being here.



It is at the beginning...but fully commit, and you will see as you go through the workshop that it will not be this way forever. Making the right choices becomes easier and easier. Your life will stabilize (far more than it ever has been).



That's excellent. What I'm saying above though is that both the motivation and commitment must be there. You may be incredibly ambitious...but if you in any way internally give yourself an "out"...if in the back of your mind you're still thinking "If things don't go the way I want...I can always fall back on the addiction"...you won't recover permanently no matter how ambitious you are. You'll maintain an emotional connection to that addiction, and you won't be able to fully form a coherent identity.



Just to answer lostkid's point -- it's not if you're sincerely committed to recovery, and it's what both you and your partner want. If you really commit to becoming the person who you know you are, and you want to work on the relationship...then it's not selfish. However, if you really don't want to commit to recovery, but want to keep your girlfriend around for "comfort"...if you want to have it both ways...well, then lostkid would be right. But, it's up to you to decide.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Thanks for your input CoachSheryl. It's been ages since I managed to talk to so many people :P



I agree. I've been doing the daily monitoring and I've been trying to be more active here. I've also been becoming more aware of what's going on in my head. If there's anything else you can suggest I'd appreciate it.



I'm here because I want to experience life. I want to taste it because it tastes bland at the moment. I've been getting nowhere in many aspects. I don't really think about dying, and if I die alone...well, that could just be life. It's not a scary thought and it may happen even if I do live my life in the right way so it's in no way something that would motivate me to change. It's about how I live my life, not how I die.



Yes, I'm disconnected with my emotions and thus the blandness. No, there's no prophecy and no I don't think that no one likes me, my self-esteem is low, but not that low. Anyway, there's some truth in what you're saying. I have definitely been isolating myself from people. Everyday conversations used to be normal with friends, family, etc. Now it seems like I don't call anyone and no one calls me.



Partly yes, partly no. We're all selfish in one way or another, we have to be. The past relationship broke apart not only because of sex, but that was a large part of it - yes. The other part was that I felt as if I'd been in a relationship with my ex's mother and she was the one guiding her daughter to do whatever she wanted. I don't think anyone goes into a relationship just to give, just as you don't go and work for free. There are expectations and I think they're healthy. What I'm more worried about is that I don't expect enough and I don't set boundaries, especially for the kids.



That's precisely what I'm trying to do - to figure things out. I wouldn't be here otherwise.

Hello CoachBoundless,

I'm horrified after reading your post, literally. You mentioned that leaving the option, the "out" is the way to not conquer the addiction.

So I'm closing, chaining up, and locking that back door, and I'm honestly scared and feel vulnerable - I don't want other addictions to sneak in. There's so much shame in me for not having accomplished some things, I'd sometimes rather just hide somewhere far away from everyone rather than admit that I've really gone nowhere in life.



She's 100% right, as usual

I recently told her that conquering this addiction would be the best thing in my life. For years, as odd as it may seem, not many things have brought me real emotional satisfaction. In the back of my mind I'd held the thought that getting rid of this thing is what I really want, nothing else. If I can do this, I can do anything. She said that maybe I'm afraid of succeeding, but I didn't really understand that. I don't know how one can be afraid of succeeding. Conquering my own limitations would seriously give me that feeling of accomplishment. The state that I've been in is like Nirvana's song: I think I'm dumb

Ah, so I caught you!

Yes, I completely agree...it is scary. And no one here who is being honest will tell you any differently. Casting away that "easy out" and fully committing to success goes for a lot of things though. Think about if you were starting your own business, a risky venture. Yet, at the first sign of hardship...you quit the business, sell it, and go back to your previous job which was "safer" but not nearly as rewarding? How successful would you be? And, full disclosure, I still struggle with this point myself. I still struggle with long-term commitments. But, I'm getting there.

Casting off your addiction permanently is like taking away your safety blanket and facing the world naked (well, hopefully not literally ...but emotionally, at least while you are relearning skills) without anything to "fall back on" if things get stressful or tough. For your life, your addiction has always provided you with a comfort zone that has allowed you to avoid responsibility for reality.

So, prepare to struggle with understanding emotions. Prepare to feel emotionally uncomfortable at times. Prepare to not know how to act in many situations. Prepare to struggle with a lot of things you use to take for granted. But, do all this with the confidence that you are moving forward and re-learning to live your life in a healthy way. And if you sincerely commit, and move forward with pure motivation to live a life you're proud of, you'll make it. And your life will stabilize eventually (actually, it will become far more stable than you'll ever have known).

Just to get your brain working, here is a metaphor I previously used about why any "one foot in, one foot out" recovery attempts will ultimately fail:





Many addicts actually struggle with this, almost as much as we struggle with the fear of failure. For example, if you succeed in recovery and learn to live a healthy life -- then you no longer have your addiction to fall back on. That is no longer an option. That scares a lot of people (including yourself, given your post) who can't yet see any other way of living. So they'd rather act like they want to succeed, even when they know in the back of their head they're maintaining that option of returning to addiction "just in case." But if you maintain that "just in case"...your addiction will win eventually. Always.

So get out of the cave and leave the island.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha