Telling My Wife

captaindoc2 · **Joined:** Mon Sep 26, 2011 5:26 pm **Posts:** 195

Hi

I've been addicted to pornography for over thirty years. I have come to realize, through everything I've learned on RN, that the only way to heal my relationship with my wife is to tell her everything (she is not aware of my addiction). What is the best way to do this? When is the best time? Where should I be in terms of my own recovery when I reveal this to her? Should I do this on my own? Should I get a counselor or therapist to help us? Marriage counselor?

Thankyou

Lexicographer · **Joined:** Fri Dec 30, 2011 5:54 pm **Posts:** 26

Cap'n,

I'm still pretty new to the recovery process, and I don't know that there's a right way, but I'll tell you how I did it.

My wife first caught me in the act in June 2010, and then assumed I'd quit b/c we never talked about it. I've been doing RN and exploring my addiction for about a month now, and this week she stumbled upon a draft of one of my posts, which laid out some thoughts I had on where I thought my addiction would've progressed to. She confronted me on it, and I told her everything. I made a list of everything I'd kept from her for the past 10 years, then verbally told her.

If I could do it again, I would've mustered up the courage, sat her down and told her on my own terms. It really came down to fear for me. Would telling her cause her to immediately run and file for divorce? Would I see my daughter again? These were scary questions for me, but in the end they're byproducts of honesty, in my opinion. This addiction is all about running away, denial of reality and consequences, etc. Confessing everything up front is hard, but an excellent first step to accountability and recovery, IMO.

Hope this helps a little.

-L

CoachBoundless · **Joined:** Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:49 pm **Posts:** 950

Hi captaindoc,

I don't know much personally about this except from what I've gleaned from reading here. What I would suggest is that first (if you haven't already) finish at least the first 7 lessons of the workshop, as this gives you a foundation for your life and you'll get a little sense of where you're going (which will also allow you to lean on your values and provide some stability to navigate the emotional rollercoaster the disclosure will cause at home for a while).

Then, I'd suggest you read these two lessons. They were originally in the Recovery Workshop, but got moved to the Couple's workshop. These two lessons give tips on how to disclose properly so as to put both you and your wife in the best positions for your own healing, and healing of the relationship, if this is what you both decide you want:

http://recoverynation.com/couples/cc109.htm
http://recoverynation.com/couples/cc110.htm

Boundless

Kenzo · **Posted:** Tue Jan 31, 2012 3:09 pm

Hi captaindoc
I got this completely wrong when I disclosed my acting out, I drip fed and withheld, so please learn from my experience as it caused her more pain than my acting out and this truly cost me my relationship with my best friend

first congratulations in reaching this point
realise that if your marriage is to be as you want it to be, and she deserves it to be, then you have no choice but to tell her, she has every right to make her own decisions about her future and her relationship with you

second what not to do
dont drip feed and dont withhold as withholding is as bad as lying
dont dump it all on her but tell her what you have done and if you know already why

dont admit to that only which is capable of proof, if it has been ten years dont say 5 etc
dont make promises that are not 100 % bankable
dont allocate blame and certainly dont make excuses, take responsibility for your actions as the decisions were yours

now what to do
tell her that you have realised that you have a problem and are taking steps to resolve this, hopefully she will see your voluntary disclosure of partial evidence that you are making the effort, and that you are worth her effort

tell her what you have done how you feel about these things, how you realise that this will cause her pain and that you wish to be supportive of her healing

if she asks for the detail then give her it because believe me her imagination will be more destructive than the truth

finally suggest to her (I said suggest) that she might want to enrol in the partner programme and if she does so request from her that you do the couples section but only when you have completed the individual lessons

good luck but good choice, shows some maturity and hopefully empathy

captaindoc2 · **Joined:** Mon Sep 26, 2011 5:26 pm **Posts:** 195

Thanks for all the posts. I plan on telling in her in 4 wks- after I've been working on my daily monitoring for a while so I come to her from a better place.

This will give me time to list all the things that I've done so that I can come clean. That way there will be nothing to hide anymore

Where would be the best place to tell her? I have a 12 year old daughter so home would not be a great place. My daughter could overhear. And I certainly don't want to do it in a public place like a restaurant. Where would be the best place to do this?

CoachTim · **Joined:** Tue May 27, 2008 10:26 am **Posts:** 818

Somewhere, I heard this suggested: A neutral place. Like a pastor's office, a counselor's office, etc. Someone who can give you un-biased feedback, and not be partial to either party.

captaindoc2 · **Joined:** Mon Sep 26, 2011 5:26 pm **Posts:** 195

Thank you, Coach

HoneyCat · **Joined:** Fri Feb 26, 2010 4:15 pm **Posts:** 276

I would suggest seeing a counselor/therapist that specializes in sexual addiction. They have presided over what is call a "full disclosure" many times and will help prepare you and your partner before it happens.

I would start at the beginning. Mine started with the very first time I discovered MB, all though childhood, young adulthood, and into the marriage. Major events like I picked up a prostitute while I was in the Army in Europe and generalizations like browse porn on average three times a week.

You do not need to mention names or specifics (unless it is someone she knows and needs to know about that relationship). In other words if you go into details about some depraved sex act, she might think she needs to do that to or during intimacy it might be in the back of her mind that is what you really want. Same with body types such as blonds or big butts, etc. She might then see someone fitting that body type and always think you are looking at them even when you are not. This should be discussed with your therapist and they will help you though this.

As others have said, do not trickle, note all that you have done, everything. Once the full disclosure has been performed, if you remember something from your past, keep it there, you partner does not need to know it if it was not major enough to remember it for the full disclosure. Once its done, its done and your partner needs to agree to that before the disclosure starts.

When you slip again, after consulting with your accountability partner and therapist, let your partner know. There are no more accumulated disclosures. Honest with your mistakes is now the cornerstone of your relationship.

Hope that helps.

Robert10 · **Joined:** Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:38 am **Posts:** 182

Like others have mentioned, it's a really good idea to get some lessons under your belt and hopefully stabilize your life as much as possible before full disclosure. Obviously, don't wait too long, as it's extremely important for your recovery to be completely open and honest as soon as possible, but it's also extremely painful for your spouse if you give her a full disclosure and then she's hearing about you relapsing every other day.

Power through your lessons and learn as much as you can because very soon you will no longer have the "luxury" of being able to postpone the pain you cause your wife through your compulsive rituals.

witness · **Joined:** Wed Aug 29, 2007 8:17 am **Posts:** 242

I'd be happy to recommend some good books for both of you.

Telling my wife after 30 years of P was so hard. Yet it was necessary. May God bless you!

captaindoc2 · **Joined:** Mon Sep 26, 2011 5:26 pm **Posts:** 195

Thanks, Witness. That would be great.

witness · **Joined:** Wed Aug 29, 2007 8:17 am **Posts:** 242

The first book is a classic:
NOT JUST FRIENDS by Glass

It will help both of you. The topic is actually betrayal/adultery and for wives P is betrayal.

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