Recovery Nation

My partner is very intuitive. She has recently (over the past 6 months) begun to have more and more faith in her ‘gut’ feelings. We both visit the same therapist. Our therapist has told her that she has to stop pushing for me to be honest, to open up, to say more, etc. She has started saying that she already has her answers. I think it’s wonderful that she believes in herself so much but I have a difficult time keeping up with her. I am not so easily aware of what is really there and I find myself disagreeing, trying to explain, wishing I could go back on what we have acknowledged so far, insisting that it’s not quite like that. I don’t feel that I am trying to avoid the truth but rather the truth is unclear to me and I don’t want to say something that I am unsure of which will only make things worse. But I find myself eventually agreeing though I feel that it doesn’t quite capture what was or is really inside me and I feel uncomfortable with our conclusions and unsure of their validity. Though she is always sure. I have felt that she already has the story and just wants to ‘hear it from the horses mouth’. But this makes me feel like I’m speaking before I’m ready, like I’m saying things that I don’t even see clearly, that I’m being told what is inside me. As I already said, my partners intuition is uncanny, she is amazingly accurate. However this doesn’t stop me questioning where we’re going with our conversations. Particularly our most recent one.
It has been known for some time now that I thought her best friend was hot, that I had fantasized about her, that I sent her a flirty message when we weren’t together, that when my partner and I were getting close, I flirted with her friend. This had all been put into perspective, satisfactory for me but not especially for my partner; all of it fits normally into my dynamic and would not be different with another girl. Yesterday I opened up and said that it had happened that I masturbated whilst looking at her friends pictures. I didn’t remember when, I didn’t remember how many times, I knew it was years ago and I knew that it was probably a couple of times within a short time frame. I felt as clear as I could be about that but then my partner asked if I thought her friend was more hot than her. When I said no, she disagreed, she feels it whether or not I say it. I took a good look inside me and felt that there was something. I tried to keep it simple and not to blah my explanation about what it was exactly. So I said, I might have felt like that sometimes. Then I get asked – so you thought that she was hotter than me? – and I respond – well no because I never compared you to her or anyone else. It’s more that she’s pretty and with my problems, a pretty girl who’s stylish etc. intensifies my dynamic. I tried to explain that I didn’t think of my g/f while I looked at her friend. “What about when you had us both in front of you at the same time… You didn’t find her hotter than me? You just said that you felt that a minute ago.” – Well I didn’t compare you, I thought you were hot too when I looked at you but my attention went to your friend. You know I rarely objectify you, It’s normal that I would be pulled towards your friend while in my dynamic. “No it’s not that, there’s more.”…
Anyway, you get the point. In the end I get stressed, frustrated, hazy, I don’t agree with where it’s going, I don’t feel like I ever actually thought anyone was hotter but honestly I don’t really know what the hell I thought. I just sort of felt what I felt in the moment looking at a hot girl and rode that wave, just enjoyed it. I didn’t think much at all.

If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it so much, I want to be honest and clear with my partner but when I feel like this I feel a little dragged along and I don’t have confidence in what’s being said. Please help me.

Three

Imho, it sounds like your SO may be venturing out of the realm of healthy or even useful disclosure and into the realm of sadistic indulgence. Our SO suffer a great deal because of our crappy choices, and need to be able to surmise exactly what the damage is And as addicts, who of course have no sense at all and are always wrong about everything , we can be all too willing to spread the pain out as much as possible in the erroneous hope that we will thereby atone in some way for the very real distructuon we have wrought.
However, the fact that we have or do act addictively doesnt mean we have to check our common sense at the door from now on. Your SO may inded have incredible intuition, but what purpose does it serve and what possible good can come of telling her that, yes, there may have been a time in the past when you thought that her friend was hotter than her? Do you feel the need to tell her that about each hotter than her gal you pass on the street? If she askes if she looks fat, does our need to be honest require us to affirm? I think, and i remember John writing, that the answer is no. There is, even for us, such a thing as too much information. I know the power of coming clean. I personally dont think that includes divulging every nasty thought you have ever had. I certainly wouldnt want to have to hear about every negative thought or comparison that my wife has ever made of me.
Just one addicts opinion for what its worth!
Best of luck to you,
Semperfi

I am not sure what your addiction story is or what your recovery story is but this whole reveal really should have been part of a "full disclosure" that is best supervised and helped prepared for with a therapist. The constant bleeding of past information does nether of you any good. She gets the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth all at once. This allows her to process it all in one lump sum and hopefully with support. Once this disclosure is performed, you don't go back to it and talk about details because that is just pouring salt into a wound, again, for both of you. Does not mean she has to forgive you, she just needs to know everything.

Once you are at that point, then any slips need to be reported to your accountability partner and they will help you relay that to your partner. My agreement with my wife is that I use my accountability partners for my slips and she only needs to know about them if they affect her or the family (something illegal, cost money, etc). But I have to be honest if she asks (she has asked but most of the time she does not) and I have to be honest and check-in about my feelings, if I have urges or feeling triggery, etc.

The reason I mention the above is because I can see what your partner maybe sees. You post seems kinda "weaselly" and you do this grand dance around what you are trying to say or ask. If I was your partner and you talked to me like you did in your post, I would suspect that you are not being 100%. Just my take. You need black and white, not all this blah blah blah. The truth is simple. This is what I did, I am not sure how I feel, yes I lusted after her, no my addiction has very little to do with you or your looks but it all about me and my past conditioning, etc. No dancing, just point blank honest. If you don't know something, say your don't know but you will try and figure it out with your therapist.

Just my honest opinion. If you disagree with it, that is absolutely fine, I have been wrong before and that's too is OK.

I'll answer this from two different perspectives, to try to give as balanced an answer as possible.

From one side, I completely understand the confusion you feel surrounding the topic of honesty. When you actually experience the emptiness that comes with the end of addiction, and recognize how falsely you've been living, the concept of being truly honest ca be really confusing. With the end of your addiction comes the end of your relative bearings for how you perceive the world, and it takes a bit of what I call "fumbling and bumbling" in order to get your bearings back and stabilize your life. So I can sympathize with that; it is no doubt frustrating.

However, I also see in your post what HoneyCat is getting at, in that your post does seem to have a bit of "dancing" in it, there are several holes in your logic, and you seem to have trouble seeing things from your partners' perspective. For example:



Well, here, you did say there was nothing, then you said there was "something," but left it purposefully vague so it was difficult to interpret...before it goes back to being nothing. Can you see how that might be confusing to someone trying to understand the truth, and why she might think you're being less than completely honest?

Here's an equal scenario: your girlfriend tells you she's been masturbating and fantasizing to pictures of one of your friends. You ask, "Do you think he's more attractive than me?" She responds, "Well, not really...I mean, I am attracted to him and masturbating to him is pretty intense...but no, not really." Wouldn't that kind of aggravate and confuse you? In the end, you admitted to masturbating to her pictures...from your girlfriend's perspective, why would you do that if you didn't find her friend attractive? And potentially, more attractive than her? And the phrase "intensifies my dynamic" to me reads like "I got intense emotions from doing this, but I don't want to just come out and say it."

Learning to be totally honest again, and the subtleties of absolute honesty, is something that takes time. As Semperfi said, there is the instance of being "too honest". For example, if someone said "Do I look ugly?" and I replied, "Yes, you look really ugly"...well, it may be honest, but it is honesty without eloquence or purpose. Being absolutely honest with your partner when recovering from this addiction, however, does have purpose. You may mess up occasionally and be "too honest" and get bitten for it...but you must accept that as a consequence of your past and move forward. It is always better to err on the side of honesty than try to get away with dishonesty (and if you know you are being dishonest, not just confused...you are moving backwards. Always.). If you are not sure...err on the side of total honesty and learn from the experience.

Hope that helps.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Thanks so much for the replies. There certainly is some dancing involved when it comes to situations like I explained. Since Im confused about what I felt, I don't like to say its one thing when it's actually another. So I dance around a straightforward response because I simply don't have one. Regarding an intensified dynamic - It is logical to me that since I project on just about any females who are slim and often stylish. My experience will be intensified if they are actually pretty.

Regarding complete disclosure, I didn't know what I was in until we went for couple therapy and the therapist pointed it out. My addiction has been growing for about 20 years and I've been in this relationship for 7 years. Many things that I have done during this relationship have come out over time. I told her everything I could remember when the truth started coming out. Then a few more things when I stopped blocking out of fear of her reaction. Now it's things I become aware of that I don't see until I realize they are there or I remember then because I'm reminded of them.
We don't have any plan like I will share it with the therapist or I'll only tell her the most important things. We've sort of been winging it with some help from the therapist in connecting and staying grounded. I stopped masturbation and porn a few months ago and we just started abstinence in the relationship. We're getting some structure and tools to help now though so we will better organize and manage our progress soon. Thanks again. Three