Recovery Nation

One of my values is health.
my own and that of my ex wife
In that value I state that I want to be supportive of healing
I believe that now I am supportive although I admit that when I was withholding, lying and not opening up I was not being supportive, when I had my slip I was not being supportive in particular when I tried to cover it up
I was supporting her material needs but not her emotional needs

I asked her if she thinks I am now supporting her healing and the response was negative
so I ask what we addicts can actually do to be supportive
I dont want controversy so please dont post about your feeling of your support/ being supported simply give your thoughts on what we addicts can actually do to be supportive, I did think about asking from both from the bright as well as our dark side, but decided against it
thanks in advance

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

I guess the starting point is come clean and stay clean (hard lesson for both of us).

After that, space and time come to mind. I think that our SOs have the right to determine when and if they want us to be supportive; they need their own space and time to deal with their pain in their own way.

I guess it depends a lot on whether or not you are still in the relationship.

If you are, then listening, soliciting information about how she feels, about how she is coping.
Reassure her (honestly; you must see a lot in her to want to be there), she is probably feeling very insecure about just about everything; looks, body, personality. She is probably also feeling very insecure about her life prospects so again honest positive reinforcement is important.

Most important, give her no reason to doubt your commitment to recovery and your relationship.
I learnt during our counselling sessions together just how deep broken trust goes.
It was after an incident (another cover up). She mentioned something about the fear of being alone and homeless; I countered with "You know I would never let that happen".
It turns out she didn't know. Even though I had continued paying the rent after I moved out, and had assured her countless times that I would make sure she was ok financially, the trust deficit was so bad that she just did not, no, she could not, accept that. Trust cannot be partitioned. I takes years to (re)build and can be shattered in moments.

Support is the simple things; being there when she needs you; being emotionally open; sharing.

She doesn't need (or probably want) a crutch, she wants a partner that she can trust and depend on.

If you're not still in the relationship, then giving her her space is even more important. the best way to suppotrt her is to acceed to her wishes, even if you think she is wrong; especially when you think she is wrong. it's her life and her choice.

If she does want to continue having contact, respect her boundaries; ask her is she has not communicated them.

It's a big question Kenzo and I don't think there's a short answer, these are just a few thoughts that spring to mind from my own experience. Hope they help in some way.

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"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Good for you that you are asking.
Wish I could give you advice but I have no clue. For starters, it would be extremely helpful if my partner would apologize so I can believe he really cares about how his SA has affected me. Just acknowledging the harm that has been done, instead of minimizing my feelings or accusing me of making him feel guilty if I ever talk about it. It seems like how he feels is suppose to be my first priority and how I feel should be hidden unless it is something that encourages him. He responds to me as if he believes my pain is my problem because life is so hard for him that hearing about my struggles in the aftermath will just make it worse for him. (I do worry about that but I wish he could be a man, face the truth about how this has hurt me and say he will protect my heart in the future.) So wanting to listen is really important, and wanting to know what to do is a really good step to making it happen.
For me I think one of the worst things about all this is that I don't believe he cared about me or what happened to me.
Maybe your partner felt that way, too.

Hi in his strength
thanks for your comment but can I advise you regarding cross posting
please see the attached link
http://www.recoverynation.com/bulletinb ... =2&t=17952
I would never discourage posting and believe it is a key part of the process of recovery / healing
however we need to be aware of and comply with the forum rules, they are tried and tested and are there to protect the whole RN community
as said thanks for the comment but do please refer to the link

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

I've come to the point where I realize there's nothing more I can do. Well, wait: There's the obvious things: Continue on my own path to health, and to continue on my own journey.

But, there's nothing I can do to heal my wife's wound. If she could tell me what she needed, I'd be glad to help; I've offered her an out-of-town trip to a sanctuary be herself, I've offered her time apart, time together, lots of ideas that come from MY mind.

But, ultimately, I have caused a wound in her that I cannot heal. She has to make her own path to healing. We started this journey to together in college, before we knew I was a porn addict. The pornography addiction ripped our lives apart, and somehow, we stayed together through it all.

The worst part of this is: I think, when she finally makes it down her path of healing, she'll realize that, for her own health, she needs to dissolve our relationship. If that's the case, then I have to live with her decision.

She is on her own path, and she has to find her own way. There's really very little I can do to provide ultimate healing from this addiction.

Does that make sense?

Hi Coach Tim



Absolutely correct with your acceptance that the final decision lies out of your hands but I wonder why you think that she will choose the path of dissalution

could it be low self esteem if not what else?
perhaps there is some evaluation required




IMHO yes you each have individual paths but whilst you are together ( and perhaps beyond) you also have a joint path
I know we cannot provide ultimate healing but I cannot accept that we cannot be very very supportive I just dont know how - YET

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

My apologies. For some reason I thought it was marked as open to both sides. Oops

Hi, I don't have much to offer in this department. But it's a top priority for me right now. It has only been 6 months since my addiction is in the open and I'm only just getting my footing. My partner is still with me though I often wonder why. I need to take some time to really put myself in her shoes and try to feel what she would be feeling. It is difficult because I'm usually overwhelmed with shame and guilt. I don't mean to but I do like strength's SA does. When my partner says things like ­'you have no idea what I'm feeling' then lists off a tonne of things I've done to her. I feel like you don't know what I'm feeling. I'm trying though I'm still a bit reactive. She wants to see my honesty, congruency, asking her how she's feeling, holding back my defenses, evidence that I'm making efforts. Then she knows she's not in this alone.She wants to feel like I'm pulling my weight, that if she stopped pushing, our relationship would still have something holding it together.