Recovery Nation

It seems as if I'm struggling and have hit a point that a lot of people seem to hit, the dreaded plateau. I have been working on lessons in my notebook and keeping journal entries there, but it is time for me to throw some of my thoughts and questions out there to get feedback.

About a week ago I had a slip. I was sitting on my computer and the boredom crept in. Next thing I knew I was looking at porn. It only went on for about 30 minutes, not that that matters, the worst thing about it is that I lied about it at first when my SO confronted me. This is the part that gets me the most. I have discovered a lot about my addiction in the last few months, the most important thing being that my largest motivator is the danger factor. The thought of doing things that I shouldn't be doing, and obviously that has ingrained in me the need to compulsively lie. I am trying to work through this and live a healthy life, but I find it extremely difficult. I don't even realize that I am lying sometimes, not until it is pointed out to me. I'm not trying to make excuses, I really am looking for insight into this and find a healthy way to manage and deal with this.

I also feel that any time that I don't spend working on my recovery that I am somehow not working on getting better. This is largely a intellectual issue since actively recovering means that I am working on my values and taking the time for myself to do things that I want to do. I am trying to stick to my vision and my values, trying to live them instead of forcing the recovery work to be my life. Somehow I've manage to fall into this hole. How can I live according to my values when it makes me feel guilty for not taking that time to work on my recovery?

It has been a rough few months for me. I've experienced the death of both my SO's Grandfather and my own, been through the holiday season (which I loathe), and dealt with a lot of changes at work, including a schedule change that means that the one night a week that I get off does not coincide with my SO. I'm not sure how to deal with these emotions. I am trying to stay as positive as I can, but it is tough sometimes. I spend all of the time with my SO in a state of unhappiness and all of my time away from her wanting to spend time with her. I know that things will get better in time, but the addict in me wants the instant gratification. I want to come home from work and get a smile that I don't deserve. To go to dinner and smile and be happy like I never did anything wrong. I want to make that gesture that will finally let her know that I'm sorry for the pain me and my addiction have caused. Then when none of that happens I feel like I can't do anything right, like I'm not good enough. I know that some day I will be, but I want that day to come soon and I know it will be awhile.

I'm reposting this from my personal thread in hopes that I can get some feedback. Any insights would be nice, and thank you all in advance.

My suggestion is to attack your addiction issues from the oblique. What I mean by this is that you have leveled off while dealing with the issues of addiction in a straightforward, direct manner. What if you were to read a book which dealt with loss? You stated you have gone through some pretty significant losses recently, so take time to deal with those. I suggest this because I discovered my addiction was interfering with my ability to deal with loss. In truth, I was never able o properly mourn for the loss of my grandfather. By the time I was sentient enough to deal with grief in a healthy way, it was years after the fact. Since then I have been able to go back a little at the time, but I really did miss out on grieving for him and sharing that pain with others.

Another way to work around this plateau, this roadblock, might be to invest some time in your SO's recovery. Change perspective and look at it from another person's point of view. I am not talking about empathy. There is a time for that, but I am talking about looking at your relationship and giving yourself over to the needs of your SO for a few months. Explain that you need something different and you want to revitalize your relationship and make that the primary focus for a few months so you can return to recovery with a fresh point of view. Now this does not excuse you from monitoring or the like, but rather has you working on a different aspect of your recovery so you can come back to the primary issues with renewed energy while avoiding the feeling of stagnation.

In all seriousness, any measures you take for self improvement are part of the recovery model. Recovery is not a one note song.

Great thought coach!

JMHO, nor is it a linear progression. The up's and down's, the trial's and the error's and/or disappointment's and satifaction's are ALL part of the recovery process. Try to remember that nothing is guaranteed in life other than at one point it will end.

So what do we do with the time we do have? One can either use it or abuse it. Just a choice.


......just a thought.

Thanks Coach Sandalwood. I believe that this may be a good idea. The loss of my grandfather is the first close loss that I have had to deal with in my 30+ years, and as someone who has stunted emotional management skills it may be of benefit for me to find something to help me deal with this properly. I do recognize that this is something that I am unable to deal with on my own with my current skill set, and I would be robbing myself of the chance to share that grief.

It has also been comforting to hear that working on self improvement is a part of the recovery process. I hope that this will help to alleviate some of the guilt that I feel for not focusing all of my attention on recovery. I will continue with my monitoring and try to shift some of my focus from my recovery to dealing with my own grief and that of my SO. I also think it may be a good idea to work with her some on her recovery. I don't know that I feel entirely comfortable not working any on my own recovery, nor do I think that is what you meant, but reallocating my "mental funds" as it were for a period of time may help with the stagnation.

Thank you both, Coach Sandalwood and Coach Jim for the input, and please, if I am taking this in the wrong way feel free to slap me back into line. The last thing that I want is to fall off of the wagon because of some tough emotional problems. It is the inefficiency of dealing with emotions that got me here in the first place.

Recovery from any addiction involves not just the things you are abusing but typically all aspects of your life. From your post I detect some codependency issues with your partner. This is a whole another arena of recovery work that can be done in parallel with you sex addiction work. This is one of my own issues as well and deals with self image, boundaries, communication, etc. Pia Mellony has many books and workbooks that you and your partner can work through for this issue.

Hi Crow

As you say, this is a stage shared by many of us. We have taken in information, have changed some parts of our behaviour and expect that this will go on. What the plateau is signalling is we have just started - we have knowledge but dont know how to use it. I often think of Luke Skywalker in Empire thinking he is a Jedi, fighting Darth Vader, chopping his helmet off, only to see his own face.

For me, it was a recognition that recovery was not confined to RN - that it was not just an intellectual pursuit. I could not THINK myself better. I had to change how I acted and approached each day. Those action plans would, in turn, teach me the values I ascribed them. Which would inspire new action plans.

So:



In some ways, there is NO time you are not working on your recovery. Recovery is a way of living - a state of mind. Each decision we make - from the biggest to the smallest- should reflect our values.

This is not said to intimidate - quite the opposite. We can learn about ourselves doing the most mundane activities, and grow stronger. We have to choose them and be aware enough to learn lessons.

So, I would suggest a closer look at your slip:



There is goodness here - your awareness of the devastating affects of lying. Remember this and intensify your commitment to honesty. Being open is not just a way to admit faults and mistakes - though this is good. It is the way you will see yourself clearly - how you are feeling, whether you are feeling vulnerable. If you are honest you can avoid these slips.

Which brings me to the downside:



Dont let yourself off the hook here -Next think I knew. Really invesitgate how you went from sitting - to boredom - to acting out. Familiarise yourself with the chain so next time it happens, you have no excuse but to take alternate action. As you say, that 'only 30 mins' is deadly. Tjhere is no only...I sound like Yoda!!!

I think this is the way out of any plateau - which normally reflects some form of complacency. The know it all moment. Ask more of yourself. Demand more clarity. Revisit you values and see if they still apply. Look at your vision and see if it is clearner now. Demand that you become the person you want to be.

It is a challenge but it si rewarding. Be better than your addiction. And of course feel the force.

Shaw

Hi Crow,

I actually typed up a response to this a couple days ago, but didn't post it, and I'm glad I didn't because the others raised interesting points I would rather comment on instead.

Well, first, the only thing not touched on yet was, I noticed a large amount of all-or-nothing thinking in your post that you'll want to consider. For example:











Remember, ANY time you realize that you are thinking in an all-or-nothing sense...you're deluding yourself. The more I progress with my own health and life, the more I see this for myself. The world does not work in extremes; it's your mind that tries to put it there. All-or-nothing, black and white thinking will always disappoint you, because you are always comparing the world as it is, to how you wish it would be. "If only...things were like this, not that." "What if...things were this way, and not how they are." With each comparison, you instantly make the way things are now into something worse than how you imagine they'll be, so you can't be happy. You are comparing the state of how things are, to how you wish they were in fantasyland. And this is always different than legitimate visualizing of a realistic future for yourself.

This of course doesn't mean things can't be improved upon...they vastly can. But when you see things in extremes, it is only a distraction from how you should focused.

The only other things I wanted to add was that CoachS' point about moving past your plateau by focusing elsewhere is spot-on. My recovery really took off when I started to go past just focusing on my addiction, sexuality, and relationships, and began to look broadly at all aspects of my life. This is because most likely, the causes of your addiction are not as obvious as they may seem on surface level, so you need to investigate all corners of your thinking and your life to find what drives your compulsive patterns. This is the "second phase" of recovery, after you have come to understand the behaviours themselves.

As well, Shaw is right when he says this:



The only thing I would augment there is just to say that "recovery" itself is not just a way of living - it is just life. Recovery is just learning the tools and skills necessary to change yourself into the person who you want to be, to actualize your true potential. It is not a separate period in your life, nor separate from your life in any way. Your life continues the same, whether you perceive yourself to be "in recovery" or not. This is a better way of thinking, in my mind, as it tends to be those who continually think of being "in recovery" who become dependent on recovery and recovery activities, as well as becoming mired in intellectualizations and struggling to practically apply it.

Just my two cents. Everyone goes through points where they get slightly complacent or sluggish. This is just when you need to refocus, or change your perspective again, to keep growing.

Boundless

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