Recovery Nation

In spite of my last assertion that i would be here daily until i finished the lessons, i promptly left town for two weeks without private internet - both a blessing and a curse - so i have not been on for a couple of weeks.
The reason i am posting is to ask for help and advice. After nearly 5 flawless months of what i have felt was real recovery, i am slowly slipping back to my shady, stupid ways, and i have to stop it NOW. It is the same stupid crap that has killed my so many times in the past. I dont want to be guilty of looking at porn, but i find other ways to get aroused (thinking about it, unnessary "innocent"image searches, looking at or for each newsstand i pass to see what the covers of the magazines are, etc.)
Same with masturbation. I dont want the guilt, so i have started several times, but didnt finish - so i didnt really do it, right? All complete bullcrap.
When i am healthy, i dont even want any of that crap. I am happy with life as it is, come what may. When/if i run across something scintillating, i instinctively get away as fast as i can, its easy. However, in this mode, it is the opposite. I am looking for excitement everywhere. It is not good.
So my question, and perhaps i already know the answer: HOW DO I STOP MID CYCLE?
My ritual is stupid-long. In fact, an actual binge really is so terrible that my cycle truly ends, every time, for weeks or months. In that sense, sometimes i wonder if i would be better off just binging and getting it over with rather than weeks or more sniffing around the edges.
But back to my main problem - i honestly dont know how i planted the seed this time, it could have been as insignificant as a momentary glance at someone weeks ago, but at some point, my gut rumbled and i knew that something had been planted, and it was going to come back with a vengence later, and repeatedly. I just dont know how to end this thing and get back to where i was permanently now, without completing the cycle which i am determined not to do. Its bad enough already.
Btw, i dont give a rip if this is considered a slip or a relapse, i dont even understand why all the talk about the supposed difference, but perhaps that is a discussion for another day.
thanks so much in advance for any insights...
(not-so)semperfi

My first suggestion would be to stop putting yourself down and calling yourself and your actions "stupid". You made choices, followed urges instead of reason, etc. You did, it happened, own it and move on. Shaming yourself is part of the addiction (less then).

Second, my guess is that those months that you were "sober" you did not change your additive nature, only suppressed. Like long term "white knuckling" it, you have not addressed the causes of the urges, just addressed the urges. Acting out is medication to an addict. Why are you medicating? What are the root emotions? What action plans are you using.

Third, I did not hear a lot of lessons, techniques, tools, , action plans, sponsors, or anything in what you are doing regarding your recovery. tI just sounded like you out there soldiering away with the empty toolbox you were born with. As they say in 12-step, "work your recovery"

Hope that helps.