Lesson 40

iwillfacethisandgrow · **Joined:** Wed Aug 31, 2011 6:31 am **Posts:** 176

I need some clarity on Lesson 40, understanding the boundaries of others. I intend on interviewing my Dad on his values and boundaries, but in reference to what? His relationship with me? Sex? In general?

Would appreciate the help!

-iwftag

Kenzo · **Posted:** Mon Feb 20, 2012 2:26 pm

Hi Iwillfacethisandgrow
Lesson 40 is all about deepening our understanding and respect for boundaries

Quote:

There is another reason why the mastery of boundaries is important. When you learn to respect the boundaries of others, you gain the ability to add depth to values such as intimacy, respect, equality and compassion. For instance, no matter how good of a partner you feel you have been, unless you can honestly say that you know the boundaries of your partner and hold those boundaries in reverence, you are not a good partner. You are at best a companion.

this applies in every kind of relationship, with a lover or a business partner or a child and and and

Quote:

When healthy boundaries are ingrained as a life management tool, this awareness does not end at the border of one's identity. Instead, it extends to the identities of others--thus allowing things such as intimacy and compassion to be experienced.

The Coach is highlighting that many sex addicts are and act selfishly not giving consideration of consequence to ourselves and in this lesson, others

the emphasis is on being aware that other's boundaries are as important to them as ours should be to us thus their boundaries should be honoured and not violated

Quote:

Choose someone in your life that you feel close to. A spouse. A child. A parent. A friend. Rather than assuming what boundaries they have; or what values they want protected...take some time to step into their lives. Refresh those perceptions that you have. Consider how you can HELP THEM reinforce those boundaries. Post a few thoughts about this in your thread.

I am not sure that the coach intended us to interview someone close just stepping into their shoes is sufficient
however getting it from the horses mouth so to speak could be even more precise and enlightening
however be careful that you dont cross any of your Fathers boundaries by having him participate in the exercise

Boundaries considered dont need to be sexual or about relationships, so open your mind to the horizons
hope this help
good luck and keep up the positive strides

iwillfacethisandgrow · **Joined:** Wed Aug 31, 2011 6:31 am **Posts:** 176

Argh!!! I meant Lesson 41!! :s:

Sorry Kenzo! Still, I gain so much from what you have said. Would you mind giving it another shot?? :ex:

Kenzo · **Posted:** Tue Feb 21, 2012 1:37 pm

Hi Iwillfacethisandgrow
exercise 41 is simply about reflection
Coach Jon stresses the importance of our and those around us boundaries
if we violate boundaries or allow ours to be violated then our values and hence our very core is at risk
addiction need very little opportunity to sneak back in so the previous lessons need to be fully appreciated prior to moving forwards

take the opportunity and the time to ask and answer yourself frankly the questions that CJ poses
for example

Quote:

How you will use your boundaries to assist in decision-making. To protect your value system?
How will your values evolve?

as an example I have quoted my own response to this lesson

Quote:

Being my second time around this programme I have had the opportunity to spend much more than a day thinking through, analysing , checking and developing my boundaries, actually more than that I additionally have modified them as I started to and hopefully will continue to mature and evolve

I remind myself of my absolute boundaries

I will tell the whole truth and ensure I have done or thought or sought nothing that shames ME

I will not hurt any person with whom I have any kind of relationship

I will not undertake any instant immediate gratification without ensuring that it would not affect my continuation into recovery

I believe , no I know, because I recognise that I have been there, that without boundaries my life would be chaos, chaos that looks for control ie immediate gratification = acting out
my boundaries now allow me to live my life , not avoid it by hiding within my addiction as I used to do, followed by avoiding potential triggers , which were everywhere and anything when I was in early recovery and abstinence

I recognise that my boundaries are flexible in that as I grow and evolve so do they, initially I fixed them like immoveable barriers, which helped in early recovery, but is detrimental later as it does stunt growth

I recognise the boundaries of others and have first hand experience of the changes in the boundaries of others

RN has helped me with boundary development and recognition of the boundaries of others, the forums reading and responding has given me many insights into myself and into others
My newly discovered and still evolving spirituality has also helped

I recognise the importance of boundaries and am grateful that I now have them
I will continue to work on them, and on myself

reflect on yourself and where you are
and I hope this has been of help

Recovery Nation

Lesson 40

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