Recovery Nation

This is a really a devastating weekend. I just can't seem to get going with my recovery. I've spent all my time by avoiding everything that could serve as a trigger - TV, people, media, etc. And I know that that isn't the right way to get into recovery. And then I've not been able to stop the lying and deception about if I do see someone or something. And the worst part is that even when not triggering and no reason to lie or omit, I still do. Not too long ago the medication I was on keep me angry all the time, just ready to go off. My marriage was a battle zone and I got off of the medication. That helped get all that anger under control. At least the visible anger as I know that I have a lot of deep down anger still present with my BPD. I've just recently started a new medication to try to get the impulsiveness under control. The stark realization that I wasn't in recovery occurred last weekend when I caught myself objectifying my sister. She was wearing a loose fitting top and two or three times bent over when I was talking to her. I immediately looked away but now know how really sick I am. It's not something that should even come into my mind. That and the compulsive lying was the final straw for my wife. We are separating again - third time. The other two times the separation was with anger on both sides. But this time it's tearing us both apart. We still love each other very much but just can't live together right now. Not until I get into recovery and get myself together. At least right now no divorce is being filed. As hard as this is for both of us we both realize that it's the only way for me to get out of avoidance mode and into "real" recovery. I've deceived myself by pretending that the avoidance was for me instead of her. It's truly sad how addiction has ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.

Oak

Hi Oak

Sorry to hear you're finding things difficult at the moment. However, this might be a great opportunity for you to get your recovery back on track.

I checked out your recovery thread, and it looks like you haven't done anything there since August last year, and even before that you were faltering - as ForwardThinker (aka CoachBoundless) pointed out. I also struggled a bit towards the end of the course and I think that had something to do with not really wanting to finish because then I "should be fixed" and maybe I just wasn't ready to say "I'm healthy" because then I couldn't have any slips and maybe I wanted to keep that in my back pocket as an option? I'm speculating - obviously this wasn't a conscious decision making process I went through.

[EDIT: Ahh, I missed that you started over with the lessons in a 2nd recovery thread and have in fact been doing quite a lot recently. Until 2 weeks ago? ]

Might be a good time for you to look back at your original values and motivation. It sounds like you're back here today because you're in crisis due to the separation.


I think here you may find that - even if you're doing this out of habit - you will have a reason for it, and it might be helpful for you dig down a bit and find out what that reason is. Still hiding? As I see it, because these habits are ingrained, you will lie and omit. What you need to do is - as soon as you realise you've done it - say "I'm sorry, out of habit I covered up there without thinking about it. What I should have said was: X". And then it's out, you feel better and your partner gets some confidence that you're trying to improve. You see, it's only half a lie when you lie, it becomes a whole lie once you realise you've lied and don't fix it - that's where your decision making process has failed.

Also that anger - can you get in touch with it? What does it want to say? How does it want to be expressed?

Good Luck,
Guided.

Guided - thanks for the reply. Some very good questions I need to find some answers to.


Yes, it's true that it's been about two weeks since my last post. But I've been on RN every day reading posts. I've also continued my daily monitoring through journaling that my wife and I would discuss each day. I've also been doing lots of reading that focuses on my BPD. But you're correct, I plan on reviewing my original values and motivation.



One reason for sure is my wanting to avoid conflict. I'm sure that there are other reasons that are much deeper. Like the fact that both of my parents were very controlling and there was physical abuse from my dad.



I've had some memory analysis where there was possibly sexual abuse by a neighbor divorcee that my mom may have known about, did nothing about it, and maybe was part of it. Still not for sure if it really happened or is just some fantasy that developed back then. But I know that there's a lot of repressed anger that I need to address. That's probably what the BPD is all about.

Oak

My wife and the moving van just left the house. And the thing that's so damn sad is that it should not ever have had to happen. But being so self centered and dishonest with her I destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me. Yeah, there's sadness now but a lot of anger at myself for treating her the way I did. No one has ever given me so much and yet I returned nothing but all the hurt an pain that a SA and BPD gives. I've done nothing but destroy her life. The only salvation is that at least we're staying married, at least for the foreseeable future. Now I will be able to make sure that my recovery is for me - not for her. Also gives her the opportunity to not be subjected to the daily hurt and pain that I caused. And so that's why I'm here. To start the journey, finally get honest with myself, and get it right this time.

Oak

Oak - Sorry to hear about your loss. I really am. There is no denying the destructive power of this addiction.

The upside is that your quote, above, really hits the nail on the head. This is the reason you need to be here and to work recovery. Not for her, or them, but for yourself. You can use the realization of this loss to finally get honest with yourself. Without that, there is no foundation for recovery. Be honest with yourself, no matter what.

I hope that you can use this painful event to gain momentum on your recovery.

Keep moving forward,
Tim

Hello - wanted to give an update on what has been going on in my life. This past week and a half have seemed like months. My emotions have been all over the board. I've been unable to retain focus on much of anything for any length of time. I would read some RN posts but just couldn't get to the point of posting a lesson - until just recently. I would read from a self-help book or one for entertainment. Then I would get restless, bored, depressed...you name it. Fortunately, nice spring weather has forced me to get outside to get yard and landscape work done. I've stayed with my value of maintaining a strong spiritual self. Then the first part of this week I got back into doing my exercise workouts. I'm very slowly getting grounded again...well maybe at least with one foot.

One thing I'm very happy about is the fact that I haven't resorted to porn or masturbation to cope with the emotional imbalances I was experiencing. I did however spent way too much time playing solitaire on the computer. I do realize that that was just another way of medicating instead of dealing with my emotions. But at least I don't feel shame about it, just guilty that I wasted so much time playing a game. Yeah, it's been tough sledding for awhile but I'll be getting back to ingraining things from my values list and posting lessons more regularly.

Oak