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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2012 4:29 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2011 1:25 pm
Posts: 184
I'm going through a tough time emotionally and physically at the moment. The last time I acted out with a sex worker 4 weeks ago the condom split. Over the last 7 days I have had flu symptoms but a bit different than I have experienced before with joint pain instead of the usual fatigue and aches and pains.

I went to a website to check the symptoms of HIV and it said that symptoms can appear 4 weeks after exposure. The symptoms are the same as flu and it's been 4 weeks since the episode with the split condom. I am very worried, convincing myself I've caught HIV. I have an appointment at the GUM clinic this afternoon. I feel very down and depressed.

The other issue is witholding. I've read that a lot of people here have disclosed their behaviour to their significant others. I don't have a partner and never have done. I am living with my mother. She knows about my sex addiction as she has attended family meetings at a clinic I attended for sex addiction. However we haven't really discussed it for a number of years. This year I have visited prostitutes and looked at pornography on her laptop whilst living with her.

One of my values is to deepen my relationship with her and yet I can't make a start because of the guilt I feel for this behaviour. And I don't want to tell her about it because of potential consequences. I know only I can decide what to do, just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation with family rather than a significant other. Or maybe it doesn't make any difference because the issue is violation and witholding.


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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2012 11:24 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2011 2:17 pm
Posts: 166
Hi TheDance,
Sorry to see that you're going through a rough period, hope you can turn all that stress into a means to motivate yourself towards a healthier life. Sometimes it takes a period of deep emotional stress to let us know we're not on the right path and dig deeper into the lessons RN has for us. As far a your relationship with your Mother, RN seems to teach that if you have wronged or hurt her in some way with your addictive behaviors, you will need to make amends. Perhaps the best way of making amends is to make changes in your life that have a positive influence on your relationship with her. Being more open, calm and able to tell her about your activities, hopes and feelings. The guilt/shame from past behaviors will always be there but we can let them go and not be dragged down by them in the future if we find our way to healthier life. The only way to do that is to change our decision making based on the values we want to pursue and hold at our core. Being honest an open with ourselves is secondary to being open and honest with our family and friends. Once we're honest with ourselves, we can progress towards being open with our families.
Hope this helps a bit and best wishes for your efforts and work in recovery.
skrelon

_________________
"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway." --Mother Teresa


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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2012 12:25 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2011 1:25 pm
Posts: 184
Thanks Skrelon,

I made a slight amends by getting the computer cleaned of the porn and having it checked for viruses. I know from past experience the most powerful way of making amends is just to come clean and tell the truth about what happened. However as I said, it's not something I'm willing to do at the moment.

The same goes for my work. I have been irresponsible and lazy at work in the past. If I'm honest I haven't always earnt the wages I've been paid because of goofing off or acting out when I should have been working. This makes it difficult for me to assert myself at work because although I see other peoples integrity out of place a lot of the time, it's difficult for me to challenge it effectively because I know my integrity is out of place from past misdemeanours.


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PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 8:14 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 26, 2010 4:15 pm
Posts: 291
Hello TheDance.

It is painful to hear about your situation. Know in your heart that you have people who care about what is going on in your life and I will think about you this week. Part of our problems as addicts, even before we were addicts, are our levels of what John Bradshaw would call "toxic shame". In our hearts we know we are crap therefore we wallow in crap, accept getting treated like crap, and do things that just cause more crap in our lives. The point is that its all BS. We are God's creatures (whomever you think God is) and we are perfectly imperfect. You and I deserve to be happy. DESERVE IT! It does not mean that we will be happy for the world is an unjust place. But we deserve it.

Affirm yourself. "I am a good person". "I am a good son". "I am a good employee". Even if you don't believe it now sometimes you have to "fake it till you make it". The shame that you have was given to you by other people because of their own shame. Let it dip off of you to the ground.

I hope everything works out for the best. We grow the most during the hardest times of our lives. Don't medicate your feelings, even the pain. Feel it and share it with others. Thank you for sharing this personal feeling.


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PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 11:51 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 1:38 am
Posts: 131
Skelron & HoneyCat, thank you for the insights you have been sharing.

TheDance,

It is with trepidation that I step in here to give advice to you. Therefore I will consider this to be advice to myself. You can take it under consideration.

As Honeycat pointed out, we are all flawed and yet imperfectly perfect. What we need to accept is that each action we take and each decision we make impacts the universe and the people around us. When we act out and feel shame, that shame is reflected in our thoughts and acts towards others. Be it our interactions with significant others, our parents and siblings, our co-workers, the pedestrian we ignore, or the dog we kick when we are down.

Each day can be viewed as a new day, and each moment a new moment to begin living a renewed life of values. The key is to make a decision to really accept that we are flawed and then make a commitment to improve ourselves. We cannot just forget our past, because it is the foundation of who we are. Yet, we can take the opportunity to change. We can make a commitment to break out of the habitual patterns which we have chosen.

I now see that I fell into the trap of “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” The deception of that statement supported my continued choice to do things that would and did hurt her. By deceiving myself and believing that I was not hurting her, or anyone else, I gradually corrupted the foundation of our relationship. Not only did I hurt "K" when the truth was revealed, but when we look back, we can see that I was hurting her, my children, my friends, and myself in real time as I was lying through omission. I wore a mask of integrity. I was even hiding my faults from myself.

Should you reveal who you are and what you have done to your mom? That is a real tough one. I advise that you think long and hard about it before you go there.

If this was your significant other, my advice would be different. I would proclaim, “hell yes!!” tell her everything that you have been hiding from her. Ask her what she wants to know and then reveal the truth with compassion and strength. I took way too long to disclose the details of my addiction to my wife. The harm done by that delay is intense.

However, your relationship with your mom is different (Note: I have not revealed any of my S.A. to my mom).

A mother’s love is almost beyond her personal choice. She did not choose to love you. G*d gave you to her and she will love you in a way that is different from a S.O. A Significant Other chose to love you based on the person you chose to show yourself to be. Therefore, your disclosure to your mom may, and should, be different than a disclosure to a S.O.

I advise that you see your compulsive patterns. If it is not who you want to be, then choose to change. But you must choose that that is what you really want to do.

Regarding work - If you choose to be a dedicated employee from this point forward, and you are truly committed to that, then it is OK for you to speak up; however, I have always found actions to speak louder than words. Lead by example. Do the right thing from this point forward; in your personal life and in your approach to work. It is not your responsibility to manage your peers. But it is your personality to manage yourself
.
I think the above was a bit over the top philosophical. I followed a path that lead me to the Budist teachings of Pema Chodron today. They hit a chord with me and itr came out in my feedback, Good night,

InFlight

Total aside - Just got Joe Bonamassa’s new CD, “Driving towards Daylight”. I enjoyed it on the first pass. If you like hard rock’n blues, you may want to give it a listen.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2012 8:58 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4026
Location: UK
Hi thedance

Quote:
I'm going through a tough time emotionally and physically at the moment. The last time I acted out with a sex worker 4 weeks ago the condom split. Over the last 7 days I have had flu symptoms but a bit different than I have experienced before with joint pain instead of the usual fatigue and aches and pains.


sorry to hear this but going for the check was the right thing to do
I hope that all is well with your results

if the results are good all is still not well with your recovery
here you are 8 months in and still acting out
sorry my friend but you did not visit a sex worker by accident, you made a choice
it is likely that the urge control did not work or was not implemented - why not?

ask and answer yourself with complete honesty, why did you choose to do what you did?
how did you feel then and how do you feel now?
learn from these feelings and awareness
check out you reasons for wanting to recover
check out why you are not where you want to be
peel back those layers and examine your commitment

inflight wrote
Quote:
Each day can be viewed as a new day, and each moment a new moment to begin living a renewed life of values. The key is to make a decision to really accept that we are flawed and then make a commitment to improve ourselves. We cannot just forget our past, because it is the foundation of who we are. Yet, we can take the opportunity to change. We can make a commitment to break out of the habitual patterns which we have chosen.



good advice but be advised that recovery - true recovery need not be measured on a day by day basis

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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