Recovery Nation

Hi all

I tend to stay away from posts that are 'Open to both sides'. But there is an interesting discussion on the partners' side about what we addicts say under emotional stress. A partner kept a record, and many of the phrases struck a chord:

viewtopic.php?f=22&t=20050

Here are some examples:


This last struck a particular chord. I think we can all relate to the idea that WE ARE WHO WE ARE, and cannot change. I am an addict - I will always be an addict.

For me, these phrases (most of which I have uttered over the years, and many more) speak from a place of helplessness and self-centredness. They suggest an emotional blockage - that we can't face life and our problems directly, and choose hopelessness over change.

And I mean CHOOSE hopelessness. Addiction is a choice - albeit one that has been repeated so often that it seems like second nature, that it feels like inevitability. And isnt inevitability and predictability part of addiction's appeal - a guaranteed story of pleasure in which we star as a more attractive version of ourselves? A way to fight the chaos of our emotional life?

When my wife read these phrases, she said that most of them needed the phrase 'I fear' in front of them...

I fear I am worthless.

I fear I am a snake, and nothing but a snake.

I fear you don't love me.

I fear I can't change.

RN asks us not only to face those fears, but to define them and replace them with courage, openness and healthy choices.

I know we can do it. It takes time. It takes the desire to see our identities as more than just a set of compulsive rituals and self-centred soothings.

It takes our values, our faith and our hopes for our best selves.

Shaw

Good post Shaw



Well put. Facing difficult emotions and life issues like a responsible adult seemed way too overwhelming so I'd usually choose the pleasure path over emotional pain - seemed like a no-brainer in the short term (what do you mean there's such a thing as long term thinking?!).

Can imagine it's incredibly difficult for partners (let alone ourselves) to find empathy or even understanding of someone who consciously chooses addiction over health. Why would any logical person do that?

Aside from RN I learned a lot on that subject from Gabor Maté's book In the Realm of the Hungry Ghosts

He's a physician specialising in the study and treatment of addiction (mostly drug addicts in Vancouver). The info on his Wikipedia page summarises much of his findings pretty well...



While this doesn't change our responsibility to choose change over hopelessness it can help explain (and perhaps help us understand) why a grown person could be so emotionally stunted and would choose addiction over seemingly obvious healthy decisions.

As your wife rightly points out most issues of the addictive mindset have the phrase 'I fear' in front of them. From an early age most addicts have been running scared from difficult emotions and experiences. When they don't find the comfort they need (from parents, carers, family) they'll latch onto anything that provides it, no matter if the long term consequences are devastating - they want that comfort now - and so a lifelong pattern begins.

We don't have to understand this to get healthy but it can help us gain some compassion for ourselves and addicts in wider society. Understanding the bigger picture makes it's easier to see how lacking and thus how essential it is for the addict to develop such values, faith and hope in their best selves.

newme

I also saw and read this
yes it also struck a chord with me
it stung me into realisation and well done Shaw for bringing it to our dark side



very well put and absolutely correct

this ties in with one of your previous comments regarding that our history our actions

addiction exists because we allow it to
urges and triggers and hooks live only in our heads

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

Hi New and K

It was an interesting discussion. I think I was struck by how my own words reflect my state of mind. ALmost beyond the specific context, the examples used spoke of a stuckness - a refusal to change - that I know all too well. For me, it is not enough to identify my fears, I want to overcome them - not be defined by them.

On a related note, I thought it was interesing that Kenzo used the phrase 'Dark Side'. I said, half jokingly, that the Darth Vader story was a powerful one for addicts - we both take the easy way out, shortcuts to true enlightenment. And of course, it is never too late for redemption.

I never want to forget my time on the dark side - that I have the potential to be an addict - but I dont want to be defined by it any more. I want to move forward without forgetting and without complacency.

Shaw