Recovery Nation

hello:

i have a question about the process of redeveloping a healthy sexual life after separating from your addiction.

i know it’s complicated and there is so much to learn (note: i’ve looked at lesson 37 but will continue to revisit it), yet i just wanted to share my experience thus far and would love to hear others’ perspectives.

i’ve achieved abstinence from any sexual activity for well over a year and during that time developed my foundation of meaningful values, weekly therapy, medication for general anxiety, etc. yet only recently, i finally decided to take the leap of faith and to try to relearn how to be sexually healthy.

and the answer was actually a lot easier than expected! i solely focused on myself through masturbation and not on any visually fantasies. the experience has been a quite pleasant one and one that feels so unusual -- considering how many times i’ve fantasized before, yet this feel so much more...alive. yet over the past few weeks, i’ve learned that there’s a battle in my head for -- should i view pornography? should i have sex with a prostitute/make my fantasies into a reality --- i’ve learned to recognize that even though i’ve opened myself up to grow, that doesn’t mean i need to open myself to every opportunity -- for there are some things that are hurtful towards my emotional development.

i do have to be honest and say that when i first started masturbating a few weeks ago, it was initially to pornography, since that was how i learned to treat myself (or punish myself through hate i would say). but since then, i’ve learned that pornography is a means of abusing myself and not developing my soul. and thus i’m adjusting boundaries.

i’m definitely interested in attending a SAA meeting, considering i haven’t taken one. it should also be noted that i am a single young adult in early/mid 20s, thus why it would be healthy to have masturbation in my life, in my opinion, and after speaking with psychologists & psychiatrists.

but how have others relearned how to be sexually healthy again? i know this may be a bit of an advanced posting for people new to RN, but i know there are others who have made the journey to the other side, and would love to hear some feedback :)

thank you and be well!
-lostkid

I think you will find there are some core essentials which will sound pretty familiar while other aspects are going to be quite diverse.

Before going further, deeper, with my answer, I will say I am kind of wary of you talking about healthy masturbation when it's roots this time around were tied to pornography. However, you are the one who has to be the arbiter and keeper of your own healthy sexuality and my concern is just that, a concern.

* * *

For me, it was a constant questioning as to what is healthy and what I am doing in conflict with that. I am still not there one hundred percent (I still get distracted by too much thinking and I can still be oblivious to my wife's need to express herself sexually) but I have learned I need to be open to the fact my ingrained ideas were not a healthy version of sexuality and I have to trust my wife to lead me there.

I also discovered no matter what I do, masturbation will eventually lead to my ritualization of sex and sexual behavior, which is not healthy. I ma certain there might be single occasions when I could masturbate without undoing my entire healthy sexual outlook, but my thought process tells me for now, it isn't a routine I can return to and be healthy. I may never be able to come back to it.

I also have had to jump over my own fears and at times, simply grit my teeth, accepting the experience until it isn't as frightening as it was. I won't be going into detail about what kinds of experiences I am talking about, but I will say the biggest part of my fear is that these experiences were outside my comfort zone built around misguided perceptions about sex and intimacy.

I am sure other people will have different pathways.