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PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 10:48 pm 

Joined: Fri Jan 27, 2017 9:49 am
Posts: 67
I recently wrote about the terrible relapse I had a few weeks ago. Two weeks ago my wife asked me to leave the house immediately. I spent a week in a hotel and now have moved into a small duplex. I am now alone with only myself to face, only myself to blame. I feel no sense of relief except for now I do not have to compulsively lie to cover anything up, I do not have to sit and wonder if my feelings of loneliness and longing are appropriate or unhealthy-now they are just a cold hard fact of my life. I would have thought my addict self would want to indulge in new online relationships, dating sites, hookups, anything to distract from this loneliness and fill this hole that I apparently can not fix through healthy means. But it is all empty and meaningless. I have no desire to have romantic feelings for anyone. I know I am not capable of healthy love and question whether I would even have anything useful to give of myself to a friendship. Even the idea sex seems pointless and hollow. A few weeks ago all those romantic and sexual things seemed so painfully important and tormenting when they were not coming from my wife. What a sad change.

Infatuation, flirting, compliments, physical affection, sex- now I have wrecked my life and my family’s lives because I could not have them in the timeframe or amount that something in me needed. All the things I liked to do were things she liked to do with me. All the thoughts I have during the day, things I noticed, that get me upset, that are funny or interesting- all things I now have no one to share with in the special way that only we could. A lot of my life goals all included her, now irrelevant. There will be no partner there working toward the good things we planned and dreamed of.
Myself and my family will be at a financial disadvantage for the rest of our lives as we are forced to split our resources. Daily contact with my daughters, love and just being there to be a good parent are now severely curtailed as I have only limited contact with my kids. They came over and stayed the night last night for the first time since this all blew up in my face. They were sweet and supportive. And I cried for a long time after they went to bed. My life is just gone.

My wife wants a divorce. I keep searching for something I could say to give her a reason to wait. Something to show that I could just start telling the damn truth and that maybe there is a way out of this pattern. But when you can’t even trust yourself, how can you expect someone else to? I feel like the only good thing I can do is to stay away so I don’t lie and hurt her again. But its killing me to do that. I want my best friend back. I want my life back.

I realized yet again that love addiction is not like other addictions. The last few months after my prior relapse I was living in our office, there was an understanding that there would be no romantic behavior or expectations, no sex. I was suppose to be doing this program and working on myself and just being a good friend to her. I realized that, although I had moments of clarity and selflessness and appreciation for the other great parts of our relationship, a lot of the time I was white knuckling it. I felt like an alcoholic working in a bar. But when the bar is your best friend and life partner and the one person you want to be intimate with, how do you stay away?

What are you suppose to do when you are a love addict? Just stop loving or being too close to anyone and lock yourself away? I keep trying over and over to find a solution to this. If only I could exist with my wife and have my life with her back, but as a close friend. Where there was no expectations for romance or sex. I would gladly give them up if I could so I could have her and my kids back. I need some help and advice. Is this realistic or possible or healthy? Is this possibly a path back to having a healthy relationship where romantic delusions don't unexpectedly twist your thinking and perception?

PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 7:26 am 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:55 pm
Posts: 1209
You need to learn more about your condition through reading and perhaps even therapy. You need to learn how you adhere to and deviate from the pathology of a love addict and how you developed your issues. You need to learn how you came to your addiction and what parts of learning boundaries and establishing healthy friendships you didn't accomplish while you were growing up. You need to go through recovery for yourself, first and foremost.

Find books about love and sex addiction and do the extra work. RN lessons are good for the pro-active daily assignments for recovery, but you have to do the prep-work. You need to read and you need to find out where and how you came to your addiction.

Seek therapy because having someone ask the tough questions will keep you honest and keep you thinking.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 02, 2017 6:29 am 
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:57 pm
Posts: 317
Hi phoenix,
Many things are possible when you stabilize after your crash. Your wife may or may not let you back in, and if she did, nothing would be the same anyway.
CoachSandalwood wrote:
You need to go through recovery for yourself, first and foremost.
Seek therapy because having someone ask the tough questions will keep you honest and keep you thinking.

Keep in mind, it's a long road, a lot of work ahead. So build a vision for yourself and move forward.

Some words of encouragement, the more you put into it the more you get in return.
Be well,

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