Recovery Nation

I was thinking about making this post today after a feeling I had yesterday. Throughout the year, I have been working at a fairly prominent, but strenuous job. I have been putting in 50-60 hours a week usually. And I have been struggling throughout to manage my life. I actually burnt out last summer while still in the job, because I did not have the coping skills to deal with the new stress I was facing.

Anyways, throughout the entire year, I feel like I've been fighting myself. Every day, I felt like I didn't want this job. But whenever I thought about quitting, it was an instantaneous "NO!" reaction. It confused the hell out of me. Why would I not want a job, but also not want to quit? I was also really driven in the job to do well, but I always felt like I was fighting myself.

I've been on a break this week, and I went yesterday to exercise, and for some reason, when I was coming back, I was thinking how overwhelming the job seemed for the next couple weeks. How it seemed like there'd be an endless number of "stressful" things to do for the next couple weeks and how it seemed "impossible." I literally felt terrible. Like I couldn't do it. Like there was no hope. It was like there was this black weight on my mind that prevented me from getting excited about anything.

Then I was meditating last night and started asking, "Why am I doubting myself? What reason do I have to doubt myself?" I couldn't think of any. Then I thought, "I'm afraid of screwing something up. I'm afraid of being a failure." But, I have got through this year fine. I've actually done, by both my standards and others who have told me, a great job in my position. Nothing has been screwed up. I haven't made any significant mistakes. So why did I still doubt myself?

I couldn't think of any good reason.

It was strange. Coming to this realization, it was like my mind suddenly went through a colossal shift. It was like I could feel this dark cloud breaking up in my mind. Suddenly, I knew that I wanted to really do my job. It was one of my highest values, and I actually felt value from it. Throughout the whole last few months, it was merely my own self-doubt that was holding me down.

I think this self-doubt extended to my ability to recovery as well. I had the inner doubt that I couldn't do it; therefore, the majority of values that I was working on, I wasn't getting any emotional stimulation from them, because at my core, I was still doubting myself. I still wasn't fully committed to recovery, because I didn't think I could do it. With this revelation, and this cloud lifting, I finally felt stimulated by my values-based actions today. Every action I took today that was values-based made me feel great, and it was a great feeling. I felt like nothing could stop me. I was finally confident and felt like I was managing my life and emotion based on values, rather than going through the motions. I think I may have actually worked too hard, as I feel a bit tired and burnt out tonight again. I have to balance relaxation at this time.

But I just wanted to post this because I thought it was an important realization for myself, and if anyone else out there is feeling the same way, just ask yourself "What do I have to doubt myself?" Usually, the answer is pretty minor. I realized that I was fighting myself, but not for the reason I thought. So the lesson learned: don't doubt yourself. Armed with your values, you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. If you don't let yourself get in the way.

FT

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"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha

This is one of the issues I often struggle with. For years I have been caught up in trying to receive external validation for everything I do because of my doubt. It even creeps its way into my life by making me fear change and forward progress, which most people take for granted. It's a very confusing thing. Sometimes the most dangerous thing to do is to take a break when you have momentum. I know it is for me because there are times when I look around and see where I am and suddenly 'know' I don't have what it takes to be successful. On the one hand seeking validation while secretly fearing I am not good enough wears me out.

What I try to remember is that everyone struggles, no matter what the outward appearance might be, and that most of the time my doubts are unfounded because I have succeeded in many things many times before. I have to remind myself to get rid of the tunnel vision of the present and take a look at the big picture. It's a problem many addicts have.

Thank you for sharing.

Hi Forward

A great post. I think where I am on this is doubt is part of life. Recovery won't erase your doubts, uncertainties, low self-esteen. But as Coach J constantly says, it is what we do with those feelings that matters. Do we accept negative emotion or learn how to manage them?

In your case, you took those feelings and weighed them calmly until you realised they didnt define you. It is good to doubt sometimes. It guards against complacency. It puts your life in perspective. The greatest religious poets - George Herbert, gerard Manly Hopkins, Milton - doubted their faith. The trick was how they found the devotion they needed.

I think where I am is trying to accept the negatives in my life, but managing them. Not just fighting them with an emotion that distracts but doesnt address the problem.

Take care

S72

Forwardthinker
brilliant post, so positive and still so simple
thanks very much you have given me something today
isn't life wonderful even in the badtimes, so much better than the alternative

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo

I think for me self doubt causes self hatred or maybe the other way around,I don't know for sure.I haven't found the power that I have yet and I doubt if I will as long as I continue with the self hatred.

DS, for me the first step in being able to change was to love and accept myself just as I am, warts and all. Until I was able to take that step, I could not find the power to start to change. Though this seems strange to some here at the forum, I was hurting so much and felt so awful about myself that only once I just simply accepted who I was, flawed as though I was, I could not find what I needed inside to really get started on recovery. (Pls also see this thread: http://www.recoverynation.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?p=167586#p167586)

Hi
here4health wrote


bang on my friend
Only when we face the truth, come out of denial and see ourselves properly and for the first time in years can we actively fight our demons

I used to carry a note book and wrote down my thoughts and fears as they came to mind and then stripped them to the bone opening up other avenues for examination
I had to get to know me and did not like what I found, but had no choice but to accept the reallity before starting my journey of improvement

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
stay healthy keep safe
Kenzo